01x04 - Hear No Bonkers, See No Bonkers

[bunniefuu]

♪ Once upon a time in Toontown ♪

♪ There was a cat that had it all ♪

♪ Fortune and fame, top of the game ♪

♪ Up until he hit the wall ♪

♪ Now he makes a livin' downtown ♪

♪ Walkin' on a brand new beat ♪

♪ Slippin' through the new day
Trippin' on a two-way ♪

♪ Ticket down a one way street
Beep beep beep ♪

♪ Who's that cat ♪

[siren]

♪ Crackin' up crime? ♪

♪ Stoppin' the clock ♪

[clock ticking]

♪ Hope he gets here on time ♪

[old car horn]

-♪ Let's go--
-Bonkers ♪

♪ Yeah! Totally nuts ♪

-♪ Bonkers
-No ifs, ands or but buts ♪

- ♪ Bonkers
-Someone's stealin' the show ♪

♪ Can't stay, I gotta go, go! Oh, no! ♪

-♪ Bonkers
-Things gettin' outta control ♪

♪ Now you're caught in a trap
Ready to snap ♪

♪ Snappin' the cap
And you're takin' the rap ♪

♪ But ya can't hold back ♪
♪ That wacky attack ♪

♪ That's why you're still a star ♪

-♪ 'Cause you're--
-Bonkers ♪

-♪ Bonkers
-Bonkers ♪

♪ Bonkers ♪

♪ Wherever you-- wherever you--
♪ Wherever you-- ♪

♪ Wherever you are ♪

♪ Bonkers ♪

[police siren]

Turn left! Turn left!

If I turn left, he'll go straight.

He's a crook. He'll go crooked! Trust me.

Every time I listen to you,
the bad guy gets away. Watch!

-[crash]
-[siren fading]

[Bonkers] I told ya.

Now bust him!

Nah. This is too easy.
Somethin's gotta go wrong.

[Bonkers] I think he's under arrest.

You mean... I finally caught one?

I caught one. I caught one!

Oh, partner, I am never gonna
not listen to you again.

You know, what this means?

Stand back, world.
Here comes detective Lucky Piquel.

Soon to be lieutenant Piquel.

-Captain Piquel.
-General Issimo Piquel.

This time, I don't ask for a promotion,
I demand!

-Today's my day. I'm lookin' good.
-Spit on and polished!

Unlike last time,
when ya' lost by a whisker

for not havin' a regulation shave.

Aha!

[boing]

Thanks. That should do it.

Or the time your promotion
fell through the creases

'cause of a wrinkle in your pants.

[Lucky] You're overdoing it.

Or the time before when your chances
were blemished

by a spot of rust on your badge.

[Bonkers clicks tongue]

Whatever you're gonna do, don't do it!

You're gonna have a badge so
bright he'll see his face in it.

[Bonkers rambles indistinctly]

Nice do big guy, but...

cops with fright wigs,
don't get equal employment opportunities.

Oh, let me take care of that.

It's not worth the trouble.

Little on the sides, little on the top.

Little on the chin.

Oh Lucky, didn't we wash our
face this morning?

-Of course I washed my--
-This is the chief you're meeting.

[Lucky] Get off of my shoes!

[Bonkers] They're scuffed!

[Lucky] They're fine!

[Bonkers] I'll shine 'em up
as bright as your future.

-Don't bother!
-[gulps]

-Loosen your tie. It pitches your voice.
-Let go of my--

-Stand up straight! Don't mumble.
-I never mumble.

This time, make him remember your name!

As senior officer, I'm ordering you to--

march in there and slap down
your business card!

I don't have a business c--

You do now! You're gonna be great!

Now get in there and sell Piquel!

Ahh, that's my partner.

[fishing reel spins]

Yes?

Oh! Oh, uh... excuse me, sir.

I... I... I...

Pickle? No. I ordered cole slaw.

That's Piquel.

French, huh? Then make that
cole slaw and French fries.

But snap it up. I've got an appointment
with some detective from toon division.

[muffled] [Bonkers] Lucky, what happened?

There was a little language problem.
I think he wants to talk more over lunch.

Oh, come on.

He thought you were the sandwich guy.

-[elevator dings]
-It's like the real you was invisible.

[elevator dings]

[Bonkers] Ah, stupid me.
You are invisible.

Look at your clothes. They're like
vanishing cream on a pimple.

You look just like every other
pimple asking for a promotion.

Later. I promised my wife
I'd do the laundry.

Lucky, Lucky. You wanna get
recognized, you gotta stand out.

And with Ernie here, you'll stand out
like a sore thumb.

Ernie, my buddy here's workin'
a hard room tonight.

-Just kinda, soften 'em up, huh?
-You got it, kid.

-[intercom buzzes]
-[chief] Where is that detective?

If he's not here in five minutes,
I'm going fishing.

That's your cue! You're on!

[chief] Can't put the whole
ocean on hold for him.

[crash]

Oh, eh, 'scuse me, sir.

-I just--
-No, no kid. Like this.

Hiya hiya, ladies 'n' germs.

Just flew in from Newport
and are my arms tired!

Ya hear what the big horn said
to the little horn?

What?

-[tuba blares]
-[chief giggles]

-Uh, sir, excuse me.
-[Ernie] Got a million of 'em.

Why'd the chicken cross the busy road?

She wanted some scrambled eggs!

-[chief laughs uproriously]
-Scrambled eggs! No yolk. I'm serious.

Okay, okay, okay.
I got another one. Knock, knock.

[chief] Who's there?

-[Ernie] G.I.
-[cheif] G.I. Who?

Gee, I dunno, either.

[Ernie and the chief laugh uproariously]

[chief laughing continues]

Excuse me, sir, uh...

that's very funny.

Sir? Sir?

Don't you know why I'm here?

Of course I do.

Police talent show, third floor,
second door on the left.

You'll be a hit!

[Bonkers yelps]

[chief] I'll give that detective
three more minutes to show up,

then I'm casting off.

Yes! You got him in such a great mood,

he's gonna promote you
to head of the F.B.I.!

Let go, Ernie.

-But I got an audition!
-Forget it, Ernie!

My first break in years!

Hey, what did the pot roast
say to the knife?

-Cut, Ernie!
-That's right!

[crash]

Oh, Lucky, Lucky, Lucky,
where is your sense of haberdashery?

We need to talk.

You can't see the chief in your undies.

Step in my office.

Hey, I know the just
the guy to fix you up.

[Lucky] Hold still. This won't hurt much.

[Bonkers] Now, where's
that emergency down button?

-[Bonkers] Ah. Yeeeow!
-[crash]

[whistles]

[car horn honks]


All right, people, take 47, and, please,
let's get it right this time.

This commercial goes on
the air in two minutes.

And... action.

Toons in the know use bubble glow

for that extra squeaky clean that says--

[Bonkers]
There he is. An old buddy of mine

-from my show biz days.
-[director] Uh, cut. Cut!

[Bonkers] Arnie, baby, bubbie, love you!

Bonkers, baby!

Listen, arnmeister, my pal here's gotta
be on stage in two and a half minutes.

Can ya help us out with a little minor
image upgrade? Somethin' like that?

[Arnie] Piece of cake.

I'm gonna throw those bums out on th--

Cool it, that's a cop.

[Arnie] Simple, yet chic.

Jiminy wore it in "gemini cricket,"
hides a multitude of fat folds.

Mmm... too... spacey.

Spacey? Hmm,I can see that.

-Listen, I'm not--
-Bold but casual.

You saw it on Mickey in Jailmouse Rock.

Sets off his eyebrows.

[Bonkers]
Mmm... I dunno. It's too... Stripey.

Too... uh... I see, stripey.

Look, we could do this another time--

[Arnie] The... ultimate!

Donald wore it in
Knights of the Duck Hunt.

And it's him!

Matches his gums alright,

but it's gonna clash with his
wife's lipstick.

Oh, my wife! She wanted me
to reflock the roof tiles.

And I'm already late, bye.

[Arnie] Come on! Gimme a chance!
I got just the thing.

Whoa!

This will be brilliant.
Quick! Roll camera.

Action. Action!

Whoa, nellie! I hooked me a whopper!

Hoo! This here's why ya'
always wanna wear your...

Where is that detective?

I'm only gonna keep the sea bass
waiting ten more seconds.

[Bonkers] Come on, lucky.
We gotta get to the chief!

Now while I wrassle this big'un,

here's another word from our sponsor.

Today's remedial fishing tip is brought
to you by bubble glow bubble bath.

Toons love bubble glow--

the only bubble bath recommended
by your police department!

Who is that cop?

-You're on!
-Ooh!

No, no, no, no! Oh no! Whoa!

-[clown nose honks]
-You?

No! I mean, yes.

I mean, this isn't the real me.
It's been a big mistake, sir.

And you made it!

What's your name, officer?

-Uh, Pique-- Jones?
-Doesn't matter!

For conduct mortally
embarrassing to the department,

endorsing a commercial product

in violation of section

you are hereby...

fired!

[Lucky sighs] Ten years...

all those days on the beat,

all those nights studying Columbo.

Nothin' left to do now but...

...just go quietly into that--

[Bonkers] It's all my fault you got fired.

With those shoes I should've never let you
wear that red nose! What was I thinking?!

Oh, there's gotta be a way
to get your job back.

Aha! It says right here,

it's a felony to put words in a police
officer's mouth without his permission,

especially while he's immersed
in bubble bath.

So all's you gotta do is arrest

those two camera creeps
and you're back in.

-Wait a minute! You can't arrest 'em.
-Right.

You couldn't bust a boy scout
for jaywalking a gerbil across the street.

Yup.

-You're not a cop anymore.
-Nope.

-You don't even have a badge.
-Gone.

-Desk.
-None.

-Phone.
-Turned off.

-Not even an official police pen!
-Nada.

-How you gonna pay the rent?
-Beats me.

-Support your family?
-Good question.

You're gonna be hangin' by
a thread of dental floss.

And when that's gone, your teeth'll rot,

and you'll starve
and waste away to nothing!

It already feels like part
of you is missin'!

[crying heavily]

Well so far, just the ankle bone
connected to the thigh bone.

Arnie, ya gotta start using a milder
dishwashing detergent.

This problem's more than skin deep.

Aww, ya musta got splattered
with invisible ink.

A little soap'll take it off.

How about this bubble bath?

That director gave us all free
samples instead of paychecks.

What a crook. The shame of it.
Crooks running amok.

They should slow down
and stay outta the muck.

Yah!

Don't look at me like that.

Those invisibility stains are
more stubborn than I thought.

B-b-but you're disappearing, too!

Whatever you got, I got!

I see you. Can you see me?

It's this stuff!

So tryin' to rub us out, eh?

Why, if this wasn't a free sample,
I'd ask for my money back.

Gasp! Ooh no. Lucky got dumped in it, too!

I gotta save him!

And you!

And me!

This calls for a group discount.

Stay right here, Arnie.
You won't be gone for long.

Goodbye, old girl.

[car starts]

[Lucky] A cop has his dreams,

cop dreams, of cleaning up a city.

I could've been up there with
Sherlock Holmes, d*ck Tracy,

larger than life, a household face.

Good thing about getting canned is

I'll never have to see
or hear that Bonkers again.

[Bonkers] Lucky!

I've been around toons too long.

You've been around bubble glow.

It's as plain as the nose
that's gonna vanish from your face.

First it got Arnie, now me!

Read my lips! You could go at any time!

[crashing]

Okay. I'll just get a good night's sleep,

and when I wake up, he'll be gone.

[Bonkers] I'm gone now!

But how's come you're not?

We both took the same bath.

Toons! Here's your chance
to clean up dirt cheap.

Bubble glow, the bubble bath recommended
by this famous policeman

is only five cents a bottle!

On sale tomorrow wherever
finer toon products are sold.

[Bonkers] Now I see it!

That stuff doesn't rub
out humans, just toons.

If we don't grab those guys,

when they put this stuff on sale, you'll
never see me or any other toons again!

Guaranteed or my money back?

How about your job back?

You're gonna crack the biggest missing
toon case in history before it happens!

The chief will notice you for sure.

No, please, don't do me any favors.

Bonkers, no. Come on.

Hiya, toons.

It's Officer Pickle.

Y'say you're feelin' thin in the skin,

hollow in the leg, empty in the head?

Buy a bottle of anti-erase...

guaranteed to reverse
that pesky invisibility

and save your show biz careers.

Anti-erase, so, it costs a lot.
Hey, it's worth it!

Cut! That's a take!

Wait'll this one goes in the air.

No toon can get a job in
the movies if they're invisible.

At 100 bucks a bottle, we'll clean up!

Thanks to good old officer Pickle.

He's gonna set us up for life.

[Lucky thinking]
You mean send you up for life.

Uh, Lucky...

Never interrupt a senior officer
in the middle of a bust.

[Bonkers] Lucky! No!

Police! Freeze frame!

You're under arrest!

No! You're not a cop!

[gulp]

Uh... heh heh. Don't move.
I'll be right back.

-[Lucky] What was that?
-[Bonkers] You're fired!

[Lucky] You can't fire me.
I'm the senior officer.

[Bonkers] No, the chief.

[Lucky] Him, either he's the boss.

[Bonkers] Fired you!
You can't arrest anybody.

[Lucky] Oh, sorry. Old habits die hard.

Well then you bust him. You're a cop.

[Bonkers] I'm two hands,
two feet, and a hat!

How's that gonna look in court?

Well... this is silly.

It looks like we can't do this.

I'm sorry, fellas. Proceed.

Seems my... hands are tied.

Not yet, but they will be. Get him!

[gasps]

[smashing and crashing]

[seagulls cawing]

[reel spins]

Aha!

This... is... the big one!

Come to... papa!

Ooh, must need a different lure.

Well, that's all of 'em.

Don't go away. I'll be back to
take care of you in a minute.

Then we're gonna make a clean getaway!

[laughing]

Yeah, right.

If I were a cop again, you wouldn't
get away clean or dirty!

[Bonkers] You can be a cop again.

I just gotta deputize you!
Raise your right hand.

Do you solemnly swear to--
just your right.

-I'm tryin'!
-not legal with both!

-They come as a pair.
-Well, then where's the key?

-He got it.
-I'll get it.

Good.

Hey, boss, what are we gonna do
with ex-officer Piq--

[laughing]

Hey, what the...

What's so funny?

Something was itchin' me.

If you would take a bath, it wouldn't.

But I... [stammering]

It's a g-ghost!

[stammering] It's a ghost!

What are you doing?

-Hurry!
-Please hold still.

But they're gettin' away!

There!

Okay. Now raise your right hand.

Now how's that nutty oath go again?

Oh, yeah! Ahem.

Do you solemnly promise to love, cherish,
uphold your honor, your pants--

So runnin' a red light, eh?

Exceeding the speed limit, huh?

All right, buddy, pull it over!

[Bonkers] That's what I like!

A guy with gung in his h*. But you're
not a cop, yet. Raise your right hand.

Oh... yeah.

Oof!

[screaming]

[Bonkers] Yipes!

Whoa!

[truck horn]

Help!

You is under arrest.

[screaming]

[snoring]

Huh? Aha!

[grunting]

Quick! Do you solemnly swear,
state your name,

to pledge allegiance to the region
and foreign and uphold the law of the land

-till death do you part?
-I do.

Then by the power invested
in me by people of government,

you're officially deputized!

Aah!

[grunting]

That's one powerful fish.

The biggest one of my life,

and he got away.

The ghost!

[director] That's no ghost!

It's that toon we made disappear.

[Bonkers] Bust them big boy.
Nothing could stop you now!

Except the last bottle of anti-erase.

Let us go, or I'll drop it.

And your pal will be invisible forever!

Lucky, this is your only chance
to get your job back.

You can't stop just because...

you'll never be able to see me again.

-Not even a little bit?
-Nada.

You're sure?

Guys listen, could I have
the night to think this over?

Promised the missus I'd resod
the planter box, before bed time and...

No deal! Get 'em!

No. Let me get 'em.

Hey! Why, you...

No!

I'll take the rest for Arnie.

Hiya, Lucky. I'm back!

For that, I'm gonna personally see
you get an extra five years.

[splashing]

[muttering]

Two crooks, single-handed!

When a guy even without a badge,
you're twice the cop at half the price.

If the chief could see you now!

[gasping]

Hey!

Hey!

Hey, chief!

If you don't shut up...

I'm gonna... hi.

Fish and Game department, eh?

Wait I gonna show you
my fishing license is in order.

I am the chief of pol--

you found it!

Yours?

-Detective work of the first order.
-No I wouldn't say.

Sherlock Holmes couldn't have done better.

How can I ever thank you?

Make him a cop!

Would that my own officers
showed such great such determination,

such... joy duh veevra--
you're not French, are you?

-No sir.
-Make him a cop!

For boy with talent like yours,
you should consider moving out of

Fish and Game into real police work.

Make him a cop!

In fact, a position opened up just today.

Oh, but sir--

You'd have to start
at the bottom, of course,

but with your spirit in a few years,
you might make detective.

Now what would you say to...

the toon division?

Bound to be better than the clown
I just fired, whatever his name was.

Good night.

You did it. Let me shake the hand
attached to that long arm of the law.

So, what you wanna do next?

Bust baddies in Burbank?

Corner crooks in Covina?

You know...

I think it's a nice night...

for a swimmy.

I gotcha! I gotcha! I gotcha!

Little R 'n' R, huh? Huh?

[bonk]

[screaming]

[theme music playing]