03x01 - Rat

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
strong language

Oh, for f...

PHONE BUZZES

PHONE VIBRATES

Hello?

Liam, I'm on my way round.
Are you there?

Er...

I believe as a landlord
you're legally supposed to

give me 24 hours' notice
before you come round.

Oh, I ain't got time
for all that - I'm 52,

I'll be there in ten.

F-f-f-f...

sh*t.

HE SIGHS


of my wage paying off the mortgage

of a lazy 50-something
who can turn up at any moment

and tell me off for not being clean!

It's like having a parent who
you have to pay to be your parent.

And not even in a fun kink
kind of way.

This isn't how
it was meant to turn out.

HE PUFFS

♪ What became
of the dreams we had? ♪

Cheers, love.

You not order owt, no?

No...

Addy, are you gonna want
that bacon?

Obviously not.

Nice one.

Craggy, can I...?

Yes. You can have my mushroom.

Thank you.

Ralph... Take me tomato
and be done with it.

ADULT LIAM: I think this image says
a lot about where I was at here.

A sixth form student, still too
feckless to get a part-time job

and so completely dependent
on my parents and friends.

Ralph, meanwhile, was now
a door-to-door salesman,

selling solar panels
for an associate

of his girlfriend Rachel's dad.

Buoyed by the arrival of TV shows
such as The Apprentice

and Dragons' Den, he saw himself
as quite the fat cat.

I made 300 quid this week, me.
G'd up, mate.

Makes up for last week,
when you made minus 200

after reversing into
your boss's car, don't it?

THEY LAUGH

Oh. Stop it.

Craggy was now full-time
at the garden centre,

absolutely loving life,

always going on
about brands of compost.

Anyway, what were I saying before?

Oh, yeah. You definitely
want John Innes No.3

cos of the sandy loam.

Even when it wasn't relevant.

I just asked you who you think's
gonna win Premiership this season.

Addy was still at sixth form with me
but had been doing loads of shifts

at his parents' business,

which, true to stereotype,
was the local fish tank shop.

This, coupled with the fact
he didn't drink,

meant that he was relatively loaded.

Might buy some alloy wheels
next week.

But you ain't even got a car yet.

Well, it'll be nice
to have some anyway, won't it?

On top of my chronic skint-ness,

it had been a tense summer
with my parents -

those malicious,
unreasonable b*stards.

MUSIC: Hip Hop by Dead Prez

There'd been a momentary
easing of tensions.

I got four As in my AS levels.

What?

Oh, well done, love!

Oh!

Oh, isn't that brilliant, Simon?!

What's that?
Four As in his AS levels.

Oh, well, maybe you can help me
with this sudoku then.

Look at this guy.

Can't even look his own son
in the eye

cos he's completely addicted
to sudokus.

The greatest victims of the 2000s?
The children of suburban dads

obsessed with Japanese
combinatorial number puzzles.

I was sure that was a five.

But this easy atmosphere
didn't last long.

Going to clean all that up,
aren't you, love?

I got four As in my AS levels.

I don't need this.

Liam?

It's not even lunchtime!

I got four As in my AS levels,
didn't I? I think I deserve it.

And just that morning,
things had really come to a head.

Liam, what are you doing?

I just got four As in my AS levels.
I've a right to enjoy mysen.

Right, that's it.
No pocket money this week.

Oh, why can't you just treat me
like an adult?

Liam!

What?!

Here, lads, let's move in together.

Eh? What?

That's an outlandish idea.

I'm serious.
Look, we're all gonna turn 18 soon.

I wanna be able to smoke weed inside

and stay up until 5am
rewatching my Family Guy boxset.

Like a proper adult. Yeah,
I wouldn't mind living out, me.

Then I won't have to go down to
Rachel's as much and have her dad

ask me if I'm still driving
without insurance. Yeah.

And it means I wouldn't have
to put up with our Lucy

blowing me extension cord up
with her hair straighteners again.

Weren't it surge protected? No!

We're talking about
moving in together.

How are you gonna afford it,
though?

Well, I'll just get a job.
Evenings and weekends.

But the point is I'm not having
someone tell me what to do

for one second longer.

You can't hang pictures
without my written permission.

Right.

Actually, while you're here,
the washing machine doesn't work.

Oh, and there's black mould
in the bedroom.

And I think there's a dead rat
under the kitchen unit

which is being eaten
by the live ones.

Yeah, I'll make a note.

Hey, is that Blu-Tack on that wall?

So what do we do next?

We go to an estate agent.

I thought we were having a few jars?

Yeah. Yeah, definitely,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

Celebrate our independence.

Here, will someone get us a pint in?
I'll get you back when I get a job.

So I'm putting your rent up
by 200 quid a month - er, no, 300.

Why so much? Well, basically,
you've been paying under market rate

for your whole tenancy cos I
more or less forgot about the flat,

to be honest.

Oh, and I'm doing me kitchen up,
so...

You forgot about it?

Well, it's not the only flat I own,
you know. I have five.

I've got a lot on me plate.
I'm so sorry.

So an extra 350 a month.

What? You just said 300.

Oh, it's a volatile market.

I'm just not sure
I can afford that.

Well, you can move out.

It's up to you.

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on, hang on.
We've all had a few beers,

Addy's had a few
dandelion and burdocks.

We've gotta make sure that
we act responsible and mature,

so just let me take...

Good afternoon, sirs and madams.

We have a very careful policy
about letting to groups of lads.

Oh, well we're not a group of lads.
Er, we're brothers.

Brothers? Yeah.

All of you?

Like, different...

Mums. Dads.

It's complicated.

But you're all brothers?

Yeah, Christian brothers.

You're all...

..Christian?

Yes, very much so, yes.

Amen to you.

Well, the main thing is
that if you can't prove

a regular source of income
then you'll need a guarantor -

someone to be legally responsible
for your tenancy,

especially as you haven't
all turned 18 just yet.

Basically your mam or dad.

Well, I actually have a property
we could go and see right now.

Oh, wonderful.

God bless you, sir. Let's go.

I think that's everything.
So it's 260 per month each.

f*ck me.

Yeah, we'll take it.

Don't you think
we'd better discuss that?

All right, let's discuss it, then.
Shall we take it?

Yeah. Yeah, why not? OK.

Great. Great.

Are you sure this is sensible?

Oh, Addy, chill out.

Graham, baby, let's talk utilities.

At last, the prospect
of independence.

There was still the issue
of getting my parents on board,

but given the fact I'd got
four f*cking As in my AS levels,

I think I'd bought enough merit.

Life was good,
and nothing could threaten that

unless a surprise happened.

You're going to Oxbridge. What?

Oh, I shouldn't get ahead of myself.
You're going to apply for Oxbridge.

What are you on about?

This letter came from school,
saying you've been chosen

to be part of their
Oxbridge Application Programme.

So it means you'll have
a student check-in every week

to make sure you're on track.

And then obviously it's open days,
interview prep,

extra-curricular reading,
mock tests...

f*ck's sake. What's that, love?

No, nowt, just...

..nice one.

In one fell swoop, my entire fantasy
of what university life would be

had come crashing down...

MUSIC: Hey Scenesters!
By The Cribs

..to be replaced by
a much less enticing prospect.

- CHAMBER MUSIC
- Do you like The Cribs?

Nescio eos.

We're really proud of you.
Aren't we, Simon?

Yeah.

Well, I've got some more
good news actually.

Ooh! What's that, love?

I'm moving out. What?

Yeah. Me and the lads
are moving in together.

It's a really nice place.
It ain't far from here,

so I'll be able
to come visit you a lot.

Liam, you're 17
and you're still at school.

How would you even afford the rent?

Well, I'm getting a job.
Good idea.

No, it isn't! Not a good idea, Liam.

Well, will you give me the money
to move out, then,

and be my guarantors?

Now he looks up.

No.

You need to completely focus
on your A levels.

That means no job and no living
in some dive with your mates!

I still need to have a life.

You'll have a much better life
if you get into Oxbridge.

I haven't even said
I wanna go to Oxbridge!

Of course you wanna go to Oxbridge!

Just when it looked like everything
was dropping into place,

everything did not...
It d-did not drop into place.

I felt like I had no control.

Didn't I deserve
to be treated like an adult?

f*ck you!

f*ck have you been? You were
supposed to have signed contract

and paid deposit 20 minutes ago.
We've all done it. Now you hurry up,

so we can get keys
before shop closes.

I can't move in. What?

I want to, but my parents...

Basically this letter
came from school.

Spare us sob story!
I'm off to get my money back.

Me too.

What do you mean we can't get us
deposit back?

Well, Lord Sugar wouldn't stand
for this and neither will I!

Sorry, lads. You signed individual
contracts. Can't waive 'em now.

All your fault, this, Liam.

Is there nowt we can do?

Not much. Sorry.

Unless you take another flat
wi' us today

and then I could
transfer the deposit.

Do you have any three-beds
we can see?

I think I do have... one.

Here's keys.

Oh, one plus side for you lot

is that there is a church
just round the corner.

Right, yeah.

It's not that bad.

Get f*cked.

So here are all the flats I found
in your preferred area,

within your price range.

One. One flat.

Mm-hm. I mean, there are
a lot of pluses about this property.

It's spacious, lovely location.

But?

I wasn't going to say "but".

Oh. However...

Uh-huh... it was a, um...

..a serial k*ller's house.

What?! Mm.

I mean, did he...?
I assume it was a he.

Oh, yeah.

Did he k*ll anyone in the flat?

In every room.
It's kind of like his thing.

His nickname was
the Room-to-Room Ripper.

This was a long time ago, right?

Mm, he was actually the last tenant.

Has it been cleaned?

Oh, yeah, he was very thorough.

He's actually the cleanest tenant
we've ever had,

I mean, it was just one molecule
of faeces that revealed he...

I don't need to know.

Hang on.

Look, I... I'll take it. f*ck it.

Really?

OK, amazing.

Let me just...

Hmm...

..it's actually just gone
to another tenant. Oh, what?

In the notes it says
it's gone to some... podcasters.

I guess that makes sense.

I was soon sick with envy

once the lads had realised
the flat's potential -

ie, filled it up with consumer goods
purchased on credit.

Here, Liam, let's give you a tour.
Here, imagine it's like Cribs.

Oh, yeah, mate!

Sick idea.

Pool table.

CLATTERING

f*ck.

We've got the fridge
and then we've got the...

..beer fridge.

Beer fridge.

Beer fridge in every room, G.

AIR HORNS BLARE

Beer fridge.

Beer fridge.

Dandelion and burdock fridge.

g*nshots AND AIR HORNS

Prize possession -
top-of-the-range flatscreen TV.

Nintendo Wii.

Dog.

You got a dog?

Of course, mate.

What's it called?

Charizard. Viduka. Ralph.

What? Charizard. Viduka. Ralph.

Well, his collar says Ben.

But my envy of the lads
soon subsided

once I realised I could basically
go round and stay on the sofa

whenever I wanted.
I could escape from my mum's nagging

and still get all my washing
and meals at home,

all without having
to pay a penny in rent.

You know,
I think I'm going to buy a place.

OK.

Yeah. I think the issue is that
I'm just too old to be renting.

I've done the house shares,
I'm done with renting,

it's time to buy somewhere.
What can I buy today?

Well, we do offer
some basic mortgage advice,

so if you fill in a few details
we can give you a sense

of what you might be able to afford.

SHE CHUCKLES

Sorry, I... I shouldn't laugh. Um...

Where'd you get them chips from?

Freezer.
What, so they're not yours, then?

They're only chips.

Chips what we paid for.

And it ain't only chips, is it?
It's squash as well.

Oh, I'm so sorry
I had a glass of squash.

Biscuits, crisps. Yeah, and just
being round here every day

and falling asleep
on the sofa all night.

f*ck' 'ell,
you're worse than me mam, you lot.

Look, mate, it just basically
feels like you're living here

but you're not contributing nothing.

Actually you mean
I'm not contributing anything.

Yeah, it took me a few years
to realise you don't tend

to win an argument
on the basis of grammar.

To be honest, the amount you're
here you should be paying rent

or at least contributing summat.

Yeah, what happened
to getting a job?

My parents wouldn't let me.
They said...

School have said that
I should be applying to Oxbridge.

Ain't you got to be a proper geek
to go there? He IS a geek.

And ain't you got to be
a f*cking posh twat as well?

Mind you, I wouldn't put it past you

to sell us out
to become a southerner.

I don't even want to go to Oxbridge.

It's actually "Ox-ford".

That's...

Look, I'm the one who feeds Ben
and walks Ben most, right?

No-one else seems to think
about his needs at all.

Don't you bring Viduka into this!
You mean Charizard.

Ralph, call him Ralph... Ralph!

His name's Ben.

How the hell do people afford
mortgage deposits in London?

Well...

I need to ask a favour.

Ain't there any tea?

Well, you were out, weren't you?

Barely see you in this house
these days.

I can make you some pasta
if you want.

I need more pocket money.

Oh, well we were actually talking

and maybe we could
give you a bit extra.

Dad's done some calculations,
and it can't be much

cos we had to get
the car fixed, didn't we?

And we bought you those
new clothes not long back.

And there's the holiday.

You can have an extra £8.23 a week.
Roughly.

Well, that ain't f*cking enough.
I can't live like this any more.

Like a middle-class western adult

whose basic comforts
are taken care of

so that he can focus
entirely on his education

and personal development.

Liam, will you just calm down,
please?

No, you're the one
who needs to calm down!

Don't tell me how to be.
Don't tell ME how to be.

Bloody hell! Bloody hell!

BEDROOM DOOR SLAMS Wow.

It does actually pain me
to see my parents under such strain.

You want to borrow £60,000?

Or just whatever you can spare.

We can't really spare anything,
Liam.

Do you not have any savings?

Not savings as such.
I mean, I do have a Boots card.

I've got quite a few points on that,
although... Do they expire?

LADS LAUGH AND JOKE

Yes, at that moment,
I effectively stole Ben the dog.

Because it was at that moment
that I became...

..homeless...

..for two hours.

WHISPERING: Come on, Ben.
Come on, come on.

Look, I'm not asking you to just,
like, give me the whole deposit.

Just lend it to me...
for several years.

No, Liam, we just can't afford to.

All right, don't worry.
It was just an idea.

Unless you were buying round here.

What? I just mean
it's much less expensive up here.

They're literally a third of
the price of a London property,

I read the other day.
London's absurd.

London is absurd, but...

Yeah, why don't we look into whether
we could lend you something

towards a deposit
for somewhere around here?

It would be really nice
to have you nearby.

Yeah, but my life
is in London, isn't it?

What about my social life, my job?

You never talk about
your social life down there.

You've still got mates up here,
haven't you?

What's the point
in working in London

if it doesn't pay you enough
to have a proper life there?

It's just a thriving place
to be, you know?

What about the... the museums,
the big whale?

Look...

..I do really appreciate it.
It's really generous and, um...

..I'll think about it.
Yeah, just think about it, love.

WHISPERING: Lie down, Ben.

Ben. Ben, lie down.

- Ben.
- BARKING

Ben! Shut up, Ben.

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

BARKING CONTINUES

FOOTSTEPS

Who's that?

Oh.

What's that? A dog?

Yeah.

Oh.

You'd better get yourself up,
then, Liam.

Look I... I've been meaning
to say to you,

like, sort of... you know?

You might need to explain
a bit more.

Right, well, the thing is,
if you do go to uni,

then this is the last year
we all live together

and it might be nice for all of us

if you and your mum
don't argue too much

cos I think, in the end,

it's going to make your life easier
and my life easier if...

..if you just...

..do what your mum says.

And maybe, if you agree to that,

I can have a word with her
about you getting a part-time job.

Really?

Thanks.
I mean... yeah. Yeah, all right.

Good.

These are the best days
of your life, you know?

Really?

Um... dunno.
Can't really remember, but, er...

That dog's not coming
in the house, is it?

Can't he just say in t'kitchen?

I'll take him back
to t'lads' house in t'morning.

You can take him back now.

f*ck's sake.

CLATTERING

Liam!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ON TV

RAT SQUEAKS

♪ You've got a nerve
to be asking a favour

♪ You've got a nerve
to be calling my number

♪ I know we've been
through this before

♪ Can't you hear me?
I'm calling out your name. ♪