03x02 - Opportunity

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
strong language

As part of our rebrand, we're
promoting somebody from your team to

a senior creative position, somebody
who embodies our core ethoses.

People are beginning to ask big
questions about the way we live

and we as a company want to be
asking those questions, too, like...

..what is it all about?

Why are we here on this earth, hey?

Does life have any real meaning?

So let's get back to
the talking toilet.

ECHOING: Liam.

The question for you is what sort
of future you want for yourself.

What ideas have we got?
OK, how about "Go ahead,

"make my day by not throwing
sweet wrappers down me"?

Or maybe "Nobody puts Baby..."

"wipes in a toilet."

Like from Dirty Dancing.

Liam?

Oh, movie quote? Yeah.

Movie quotes.

Um, well, how about...

"We are the hollow men."

"We are the stuffed men
leaning together,"

"headpiece filled
with straw. Alas..."

Is that from a film or...?

Well, it's in Apocalypse Now,

but it's actually a poem
by TS Eliot.

I'm not sure people
are going to know.

Also, it needs to be
to do with toilets.

At the age of 17, my whole future
was hanging in the balance.

Tasked with helping me navigate this
life-defining moment was this guy.

You may remember him from some
of my previous memories

as my English and media studies
teacher, but now...

I've been promoted
to head of sixth form.

Oh, yeah, a key trait of Dreyfus

in these memories is that he
has a tremendous knack of...

..giving important information
at the top of a scene.

So the school wants him to attend

a weekly Oxbridge session with me,

outside of class hours, initially
focusing on his application,

which needs to be completed
by the end of the month.

I hope that's clear, viewers.

There was one other student
identified as being

a potential candidate,
but they've already had

a nervous breakdown
and had to re-sit the year.

So it's all down to Liam.

Have you decided which university
you want to apply to?

Er, Cambridge.

What prompted that decision?

Liam?

Some er...

I was wondering which of
the two unis you prefer,

based on those open days we went to.

Neither. Both seem exactly the same.

Er, I know it seems that way
but actually they're not.

You see, the thing about
Cambridge is it's just down

the A1[M], really,
whereas with Oxford,

yeah, it's M1 but then it's...

A43,

M40...

..A34.

So you're saying that
I should choose Cambridge

because it's less roads
for you to drive?

It's an extra 25 minutes, Liam,

and I did you that favour
persuading your mum

to let you look for a job.

Cambridge just seemed to have

a better intercollegiate
atmosphere, didn't it, Liam?

If it seems like I'm
insufficiently enthusiastic,

it's because this whole thing
seemed to be standing in

the way of what I really wanted.

He keeps saying he wants to get
a part-time job

so he can afford to go out
with his mates

but I just think it'll be
too much for him to take on,

especially now with all
this extra work.

Actually. I'd say he
should be all right.

If anything, it'd help him
in the interview

to have something beyond
the curriculum to talk about.

Well...

I just hope you know what
you're taking on, Liam.

Because I'll be the one
ordering new parts for

the pedal bin
when it all goes wrong.

End of scene.

So the key thing in terms
of tone is, hello?

Hello?

Hello, Horatio?

I'm not called Horatio.

Sorry? I was just saying I'm...
I'm not called Horatio.

Sorry, Liam, just...
I'm just talking to Horatio.

But...
Yeah, I can hear you, Horatio.

Oh. So, guys, talk
amongst yourselves.

Just need to briefly catch up
with Horatio about

the non-alcoholic absinthe launch.
Go on, Hor.

So, as I was saying earlier,
we completed on Tuesday

and we're going to get
the keys next week.

Yeah. I mean, there's still quite
a bit of work needs doing.

Sorry - how did you afford it?

Um, I got a bonus for my work
on the absinthe campaign.

Why?

Well, I came up with
the name Absence

because of the absence
of alcohol in the absinthe.

And now you own a house?

All right, Horatio.

Bye, Horatio, mate. Cheers.

Sorry, guys, just needed
to catch up with Horatio.

He's a really annoying guy.

sh*t, he's still on the call.

Sorry, sorry, Horatio, mate.

OK, so, toilet.

It was all well and good my parents
saying I could have a job

but finding one when I could
only do weekend shifts

was a different matter,
as I explained to my dad.

It's all well and good you saying
I can have a job

but finding one when I can only

do weekend shifts
is a different matter.

Told ya.

You know, I seen an advert
on the side of

the A1/M1 link road the other
day near to junction 47...

Well, closer to junction 46.

What did it say, this advert?

Well, they're opening

a new leisure park,
I suppose in conjunction with

the new business park, you know?

Anyway, this leisure park,

it's going to have a Harvester
and a Travelodge,

a McDonald's,

a Play Land - I assume
that's a sort of soft land,

soft play, you know, for kids...

Right.

And a Pizza Tent - you know,
the famous pizza chain.

Right, and?

And the Pizza Tent's
looking for jobs.

Oh, right.

I think they're going to have
a Frankie & Benny's, as well.

A few days after applying
at Pizza Tent,

I was offered a trial shift.

All right, word maggot?

Well, that's just what I want
from an applicant, innit?

Face like a slapped arse. Lucy?

Craggy's sister.

Are you t'manager? Yeah. Why are
you so surprised, you cheeky get?

I'll have you know I were
t'waitress wi' t'best sales in

Briggate branch last
financial quarter.

Right, let's get started
on your trial shift, then.

f*ck me, where'd you get
them shoes? Clarks?

Yeah.

Now just sprinkle some herbs
on top if you can handle that.

Are you hungover or what?

Have you got the shakes or summat?

No, I'm just nervous, all right?

Did you just get me
in here to humiliate me?

All right, mate, chill out,
I'm only takin' t'piss.

I'm obviously going to give
you t'job. Are you serious?

Yeah, you seem to
understand all t'information

and you didn't piss or sh*t yourself
and that's all I needed to see.

Start on Saturday, yeah?

Lucy was right.
After just a couple of shifts,

I was already feeling at home
in the role.

Yo, homie. Yo, homie.
How's your week been?

I forgot about that -

a bit problematic, but the point
is Lucy suddenly seemed like

a proper adult.

And more than that, the first
person to treat me like

a proper adult,
and I was enjoying myself -

so much so that it merits

a high-energy musical montage
portraying physically demanding

wage labour as actually being fun.

MUSIC: Over And Over by Hot Chip

Wait, did I invent Salt Bae?

£13.20 - how is it so low?

Well, let's look at the maths.

You earn £3.30 an hour and you've
worked four hours and...

Yeah, that's all the maths.

Here's some more maths for you.

£3.30 was minimum wage
for under-18s at that time.

Today it's £4.81

but, to reflect inflation, that
number should be at least £5.05.

Kids, you're getting screwed.

So, coming out in town tonight,
then? Obviously not.

Hi, Toby.

How was your lunch, mate?

Er, fine, yeah, I had the
sushi from downstairs.

Mmmmm...

..sushi.

Um, so I've actually been
working on a few more ideas for

the cinema toilet.

Oh, great -
do you want to email them to me?

Well, I've printed them off for you.

Oh, OK.

May the flush be with you.

I like that.

I don't drink your milkshake.

Oh, like from There Will Be Blood?
Yeah. I like it.

Nice work on all this, bud -
the client's going to be chuffed.

I was actually, er, wondering
if I could arrange

a one-on-one with you,
er, re-um-garding

the, er, senior creative position.

Sure. 10am tomorrow?

Great.

Horatio? Where the F are those PDFs?

Yo, homie. Yo, homie.

Um, I was wondering if

I could take on
a few extra shifts.

Sorry, mate, I just really don't
have any more evenings or weekends.

I've got daytimes, though -

could give you a shift on Wednesday

and, if that goes well,
there'll definitely be more.

This was a cruel offering.

Working the Wednesday shift would've
meant missing my first session

with Dreyfus - a crucial step in

the difficult process
of applying to Cambridge.

Here's to your
first day shift, mate.

Oh, yeah.

You all right, mate? What's up?

Oh, just everything. My parents
want me to study all t'time,

teachers keep getting on my back,

they all want me
to go f*ck' Cambridge.

And what do you want to do?

I just want to live my own f*ck'
life. I'm not surprised, mate.

I'd hate it if a load
of snobby gets were trying

to make me sell out

and go to some posh-a*s uni
I didn't even want to go to.

You should do what you want to do

and, like, I've given
you a good opportunity

with this daytime shift.

There might be more if you want them

and there's a good chance
of progression

for people who are committed.

Opportunities like that
don't come along every day,

that's all I'm saying.

I told Dreyfus
and my mum that I'd missed

the Oxbridge session
out of nervousness,

and it was rearranged
for the following week.

The next few days became a scramble

of trying to balance the
increasing pressure of sixth form

with all the midweek shifts
I'd taken on.

So that's, er, garlic bread,

large stuffed crust
with extra Plotzensee?

No, pepperoni.

What? What did I say? I dunno.

What was the name of

the Berlin prison where around 3,000
people were ex*cuted by the Nazis?

Pepperoni.

What?

Where have you been?

School.

Oh. Funny, that, because I actually
rang school earlier for an update.

And they said you've hardly been
in any of your lessons this week

and now you've got a D
in your history essay

for writing that
the main method of coercion of

the Third Reich was garlic bread.

Look, I've just been going
to the pub a lot, all right?

I've been drinking too much.
I'll get a grip.

What's that smell on you?
Nothing, just booze and f*gs.

It's cheese and tomato...

..and pepperoni.
You've been working.

All right, yes, I have,
and do you know what?

I regret nothing.
Most parents would be proud.

Right. You're banned from working.

Why? Because you need to
focus on sixth form

and, most importantly, you

need to complete that
Cambridge application by Friday.

Why? So you can have a chance
to go to Cambridge.

Why? So you can get a good job!

I have a job. I said a good job.

Not waiting on tables
for the rest of your life.

Lucy's right - you are just
a bunch of snobby gets.

New girlfriend, has he?

Something had to give.

I decided to do the mature
thing and go

and tell lucy I could no longer
do daytime shifts.

Yo, homie. Yo, homie.

I'm glad you're here,

I need to have a word
with you about summat.

Mum, Dad.

I am now deputy manager
of Pizza Tent.

What? Well, I took on board
what you said about getting

a good job so... when t'offer
came up, I couldn't say no.

I don't believe this.

It'll be full time, obviously, but
I think this is more me than school.

I think I've outgrown school,
to be honest.

You tell him, Simon. I don't
have the energy left.

LIAM!

Tell him what?

TELL HIM HE CAN DO
WHAT HE BLOODY WELL WANTS!

Er, your mum says you can do...
Well, you heard her.

Manager already?
That's brilliant, son.

Congratulations.
Let's take you out to celebrate.

Listen, I know what you lot said
about me not staying over no more

but I just...

I can't stay at me mam
and dad's no longer.

Just for a couple of nights
until I get mysen sorted.

I'm not sure that's a good idea,
mate. Oh, why not?

Got to be up early.
You ate all my potato smileys.

And you gave us dog away.
I gave him to a rescue shelter.

The f*ck? Why?

Because you lot weren't looking
after him properly

and the fact he's been gone
for weeks

and you haven't even noticed
kind of proves my point.

Look, I were waiting for
t'right moment to tell yous but...

..I'm deputy manager
of Pizza Tent now.

I've got my first shift in t'morning
so just let me stay here for a bit

and I'll give you all
a totally free meal sometime.

Liam, I've asked Lucy for
a free pizza every single day

for t'past three month and she
ain't never gave me one slice.

Well, she ain't as
generous as me, is she?

Don't you toy with me on this.

Look, lads, come in any time you
want and I'll sort you out.

You know, once I've got
my feet under t'table.

Including Ice Cream Depot?
Of course.

Including a pizza with
every single topping on it?

Sure. Including booze?

Yep, yeah.

That night I slept
the sleep that only

a man who knows
that he's correctly made

a major life-defining decision can.

An example of a time I showed
leadership? Well...

Yo. homie. It's gone half 11.
You're half an hour late.

Sorry, I was...
I don't need to hear it.

Just get some control over t'place.

Here's your till card.

I'm going to be on a call
wi' regional

about this week's
shitty f*ck' sales.

I don't want disturbing.

Oh, f*ck.

It's absurd, the whole system,
an absolute joke.

What's going on?
Do you fancy a cig before?

Look, you don't have
time for a f*ck' cig,

look at all these f*ck' tickets.

I'm not f*ck' joking here, Liam.

Tickets can't just be hanging here
like f*ck' bunting.

More tickets backed up,
more sales backed up.

One thing that matters
is sales at target,

sales at target, sales at target.

Why are you looking at me like

I'm speaking f*ck' Martian
or summat? Sort it out now.

Sort it out now.

Oh, f*ck.

This is absurd,
the whole system, absolute joke.

OK, so, you know, I'm ready
to grow, er, upwards...

..er, vertically because at

the moment, I am only
growing horizontally.

Um, so I might not
be getting taller in

a professional sense,
but I am getting...

..flatter.

Sorry, mate, I am listening,

I'm just firefighting this
alcohol-free absinthe situation.

Turns out the factory have actually
accidentally put quite a lot

of alcohol in it. OK.

These pizzas are
taking ages, man, I can...

Now, then, here he is. Your salad
bar's ran out of croutons.

What you all doing here?
Why are you drinking at midday?

Why ain't you at work?
You said you'd give us

a free meal,
we took t'afternoon off.

Once I've got my feet under
the table, I said.

We didn't really know
what that meant.

Has Lucy seen you? No, why?
Is she here? Can I say hello?

No, she busy, all right?
We're all busy -

in fact, you'll have to leave.

It's too late for that.
We've already ordered,

We've got £90 worth of pizza
on t'way. f*ck's sake.

Right, do not order anything else.

I'll put this food as gratuity
but that is it, no more.

But I ain't had my ice cream yet.

Oh, he's pissed off.

BEEP

BEEP

Um, so ways I add value, well...

I've forgotten. Yeah, I've
forgotten to fill that one in,

I think. Oh.

Sorry.

OK, I think I might need to, er...

..cut the bullshit.

I obviously, er, called this
meeting initially to try

and secure a promotion,
but I suppose in

the process of preparing
for that I've realised...

Sorry, bud, this is all
really interesting

but I think I actually need to
get Horatio on the phone.

Carry on, though.

Oh, really? Because you
might need to listen.

Yeah, I can listen
and talk at the same time.

Horatio. Yeah, go on, Liam.

You were just about to say
you've realised something?

No, not you, Horatio - I'm...

I'm listening to someone else
as I talk to ya. Go on, Liam.

OK, well, I guess I've realised

I just don't really do that much.

Mm.

Like, most of the effort
anybody expends here seems

to mainly go on convincing ourselves
that we're doing anything more than

just cultivating ways

to persuade people
to buy sh*t they don't need.

No, it is a problem...

..Horatio, because we invited
those guests to the launch

and gave them alcohol-free absinthe
that actually had alcohol in it.

I appreciate that I get paid well

for not even doing that much

and I've made this whole
special effort to try

and buy a place in London and
climb out of the renting class

but, in doing that,
am I just endorsing

a system that I know
is an absolute joke?

A guy drank a pint of the stuff,
Horatio. He's now in hospital.

And I'm also
overwhelmingly aware that

the people who have
to work hardest in

the economy have nowhere near
the same financial security as me.

A child drank some!
Well, I don't know either.

And so I'm sorry for...

But it's just, what's
the point in seeking...

..success or wealth...

..without meaning?

Like, what am I even doing
on this earth?

Look, I've got to go, Horatio.

Sorry, what was that
last thing you just said?

What am I even doing
here on this earth?

That's cool man, yeah,
that's... That's definitely

the kind of thing
we want to be hearing,

you know, because people are asking
the big questions now

and, er, yeah,

there's definitely space
for you in the senior team,

especially as now I've
got to fire Horatio.

What's that?

Um, that's an extra large pizza
with every topping on it.

Who the f*ck ordered that? Dunno.

But it's chaos out here.
Why's t'kitchen so backed up?

Don't you shake your
f*ck' head at me.

I could end you in a second.

Get a grip of this f*ck'
restaurant now.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Lucy, I acknowledge

that there may have been

a few teething troubles

with it being my first
deputy-manager shift,

but I've taken stock of things

and I will be ensuring to do
my utmost to rectify

the situation and... and...
to take full advantage of

the opportunity that I have
in front of me.

You'd better do.
Get all this food out, Asap.

What? Because...

Did you hear what I just said?

Yeah!

Yeah, because that's
the whole thing now -

you know, you got to look at the...
the human dimension in all this,

whether that's climates

or LGT... BLM+, you know,

and at the same time...

But I've loved this and I've
loved your work on the toilet.

Well, I've got to talk
to several lawyers now

but we'll send over, er, a salary

and a bonus offer to you next week.

We can discuss numbers, but how does
that sound in principle?

OK. That's... I'm not... I guess...
I'll have to have a think.

But in principle it sounds good.

All right, that's very good,
my mate. Right.

Horatio.

I've got some bad news
for you, buddy.

You having some? You having one?

Has that pizza got anchovies
AND pineapple on it?

It's got everything on it.

The end.

♪ All I know is a 9-5
ain't cuttin' it

♪ Man, I work hard
Do you really think it's luck?

♪ They say it's not what ya know
but who ya know

♪ Shut up, it's how hard ya work
and how good you flow!

♪ I'm ripe, I'm ready,
I'm good to go

♪ I'm focused,
I never been so serious

♪ The hood think I'm signed
They're like, "I swear he is!"

♪ But I'm still on the grind
Writin' lines all day, every night

♪ Writin' rhymes, so serious

♪ I'm never satisfied
until I'm satisfied

♪ It's never-ending,
I just wanna stand out

♪ I don't wanna blend in
No pretendin'... ♪