02x02 - Faithful Friends are Hard to Find

[bunniefuu]

Ginsing-a-ling for Freya.

Thank you.

Morning. Hello.

Welcome to Blendology.

Do you know how a blended
beverage bar works?

Yeah, Melcome, it's me, Helen.

Remember, I was in
here the other day?

We had the whole
Melcome/Malcolm thing.

No? Whatever. Gee, it's
really going off in here.

Oh, we're doing a pay
it forward special.

You buy one today, we
give you one next time.

Oh, I was hoping you'd
got a coffee machine.

No caffeine, I'm afraid,

but you could try a
Chicory Kickory Shock.

That'll give you a real
punch in the awareness.

Yeah, alright. And what
base would you like?

Nut mylk, oat... Dealer's
choice. Surprise me.

Rice mylk.

That'll be $16.

Wow! Is that the punch
in the awareness?

Your name?

Still Helen.

Nup.

Hey, Melcome? Hello.

Welcome to Blendology.
We're a blended beverage...

Yeah. I know. It's me. Still
Helen. I was just in here.

Oh, yes! How's the beverage?

I don't know, it's too thick.

I can't suck it through
the paper straw.

Look, it's all crushed. Do
you have any plastic straws?

Boo!

Sorry, are you booing
me? Turtle k*ller.

I'm not gonna shove the
straw up a turtle's nose.

I just want to drink my
beverage. Jeez, relax, people.

We do have reusable metal
straws available for purchase.

Boo.

Seriously, stop booing
me, man. Come on.

That'll be $25. 25 bucks?!

Boo!

Boo!

Sid, stop it.

Helen?

Oh, finally you're here.

Finally? It... It's 9:02, Roz.

I need you in reception.
I've got a big announcement.

I'm actually quite
busy, so I'll have to...

You're not busy! You're
slurping... What is that?

Ooh. I call it breakfast soup.

I've taken my beverage, 'cause
it was too thick to drink...

Come on, I need you
now. This is important.

This is important.

Breakfast. Most important
meal of the day.

Come on!

I'm coming!

I'm afraid I have
some rather sad news.

Oh, no, is Ray dying?

What? No! He's fine.

Oh, thank God.

Are you dying?

No!

Oh, thank God.

I have decided it's time for me
to hang up my probate law hat.

Last week, I discovered
my true calling.

I'm leaving to pursue
a career in mediation.

Is this your last day?

No, I still have to complete
the mediation course.

Ray must be a bit upset.

Well, I mean, I
think we all are.

It's the end of an era. Mmm.

But let's not dwell on what
the world of probate is losing.

Let's think about what the
world of mediation is gaining.

What about me? Could
I gain your office?

No. Car space?

No! Toilet key?

No.

Want me, Ray?
Yep. In you come.

I just want to walk you
through a couple of things...

No, no, no, mate.
Not the couch?

Never the couch.

Come on. This is for you.

That is our most prestigious,
high-profile client.

Oh, God, don't give it to me...

Is that Sergei Bennett's
file? Sergei Bennett?

Not the playwright?

I was looking after it, but as
I am no longer with the firm...

Please, don't talk about it,
Rozzie. It makes me too sad.

This was our dream.
What can I do?

The world of mediation
needs me more.

Sorry, isn't this the guy
who's famous for hating women

and not letting them
perform his plays?

Relax. He doesn't
hate women any more.

Since when? Since he died.

His son, Nikolai,
inherited everything,

including ownership of the classic
Bennett play, Death of Man.

Don't know it. Oh,
it's wonderful.

I'm not really a theatre person.

I usually leave at half time.

Do you mean interval?
I don't know, do I?

You got the flyer
there, Rozzie? Yes.

Nikolai Bennett owns the
copyright for Death of Man,

and this local theatre company
is putting on a show...

Mounting. We say mounting
a production, Ray.

No, I'm not saying that.

Yeah, hang on, this says Death
of Woman, not Death of Man.

As you can see, they're playing it
a bit fast and loose with the words.

Text. It's the text,
Ray. Rozalind, please.

Nikolai wants to shut them down.
He's coming in to get some advice.

OK. Well, I'm off.

I've got conflict resolution
training for the rest of the day.

Exciting. Fun.

I'm really gonna
miss her. Are you?

Yeah, me too. We should get
her one of those big cards.

Can I have her office?
Bit insensitive, Fisk.

I'm clearly grieving.

I did say we should
get her a card.

Yeah, you did say that.

Fisk? Yes.

You're up. Bennett's
here. Let's go.

Ah, here he is. The
man of the hour.

Ah, words are easy,
like the wind.

Faithful friends are hard
to find. Yes, they are.

Who said that?

Fisk, you wanna jump in?

Ah, is that a line from Beaches?

Beaches?

With Bette Midler and the
lady with the big lips...

I think she's just having
fun. Good one, Fisk.

Ahh.

Of course we all know
it 'twas the Bard.

Yes. That's what
I was gonna guess!

No you weren't, mate.

How're you holding up, chief?

Ah, to weep is to make
less the depth of grief.

I was gonna say the same.

Yeah, it's very sad. Oui.

Fisk. Yep?

Do you wanna...?

Yes, Mr Bennett, would you
like to come with me, please?

Of course. Thank you.

Exit stage left.
Oh, that one I know.

That's Snagglepuss. No.

The Pink Panther? Who's that?

Are they the same? No.

My advice? Ignore it. Let
them do their little show.

Don't give them
any free publicity.

Honestly, no-one's
buying a ticket to this.

They're a small suburban
clown theatre company.

Ah, yes, but what type
of clown, are they?

Unfunny, I imagine.

Women. They are women.

Yeah. I'd be more concerned about
the fact that they're clowns.

My father banned women
from performing this play.

Yeah, but you own the copyright
now. You can remove that ban.

Why would I do that?

Well, because banning
women from doing stuff

feels a little bit Talibanny.

If I may quote Portia
from Merchant of Venice?

Oh, please.

So is the will of a living daughter,
curbed by the will of a dead father.

Yeah, and see the word that
jumps out at me there is 'dead'.

Your father's dead.
He's not gonna know.

So you wouldn't respect
your dead father's wishes?

Oh, mate, I barely respect
my living father's wishes.

I'm a constant disappointment.

Look at me.

Mmm.

Thank you.

Ooh, hello, George.
What's this, then?

I've got quite a following
on Rubble Runner,

so I've been sponsored
by Luxolab gaming chairs.

They've sent me a Camelot Caboose
Double G Pedestal Edition.

Very, very nice.

May I? Please.

Thank you.

Have you read the play?

I have not, sir.

It's an absurdist comedy.

Don't you see the problem? No.

What could be more absurd
than two women performing it?

Why are you not getting this?

The play is supposed
to be funny.

Oh, mate, a lot of theatre's
supposed to be funny.

I assume we have attorney-client
privilege in this room?

Ah, yeah, sure, OK.

OK, then the problem is
thus - women aren't funny.

Oh. Oh, OK.

And you said as much
yourself earlier.

No. No, I didn't.

I said clowns aren't funny.
That's very different.

You know, I reckon they're gonna
accuse you of gender discrimination.

And I will accuse them
of breaching copyright.

They have altered the text.

Seriously, you want me to send
the Clown Car Theatre Company

a cease and desist letter?

I do indeed.

If I may quote
Henry the Fifth...

Oh, would you?

..he which hath no stomach to
this fight, let him depart.

His passport shall be made.

Your next client is here, Helen.

Oh, can you put them in
the meeting room, George?

I could be a while. We're getting
passports made, apparently.

Yeah.

What do you think about getting
an air fryer for the office?

We could do chicken
legs, wedges.

It's all fat free. Air
fryers are pretty big.

I reckon Roz would sh*t.

Yeah, well, Roz isn't part
of this firm any more, so...

Ooh, look out.

Alright, so I will let you know as
soon as I've spoken to the clowns.

It is not in the stars
to hold our destiny,

but in ourselves.

Mm, yes. We will fight them on
the beaches and in the theatres...

What? ..and, yep.

My God, that guy.

Oh. How'd it go in there?

Ah, not great.

How's things out
here, Captain Kirk?

Excellent. All
good on the bridge?

Absolutely.

OK, me. Who, am I?
I'm an influencer.

You probably know my
Insta - KweenMareen?

Ah, no, I'm not on Instagram.

Oh, sad.

Well, my brand, it sits mostly
within the lifestyle space.

Oh, OK, so you studied lifestyle?
No. I've got a Bachelor of Science.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.
Beg your pardon.

I used to be a
medical researcher,

but I think I can help more
people as an influencer.

Really? OK. So
influencing is a job?

Yeah. Sponning is a big
part of how you make money.

Yes, and sponning is...?

Sponsorship. Yeah, of course.

I also get paid to attend
events, add a bit of glamour.

Just because normal people,
they tend to be a bit, like...

Mm, normal?

Plain? Yeah, exactly.

I mean, they're really nice,

they're just a little
bit plain in the face.

So what can this plain-faced
lawyer do for you today?

Oh, stop it!

I love your brown
suit. Oh, thank you.

It's very coastal grandma.

OK, me. What do I want? I
want to make a video will.

Oh, OK, well,
that's not a thing.

Exactly. I'll be the first.

I've even thought of a
hashtag - #willennial.

'Cause it's like a will,
but for a millennial.

Yeah, Mareena, listen...

OK, there's no such
thing as a video will.

Yet. No, ever.

That's quite bright.
Can you put that down?

Yeah, now, let me explain
a few things to you

about wills and estates.

I mean, basically, that's why a will
needs to be a physical document.

Oh, hey! Hey, hey, are you OK?

My God. I'm sorry.

I'm just really bored!

This was supposed to be fun!

Well, yeah, making
a will can be fun.

Fun and responsible.

You know, responsible fun,

like ordering two entrees
instead of a main,

or popping an ice
cube in your rose,

or sprinkling a little bit of
salt on your bread and butter.

Wearing a sensible
block-heeled shoe,

so you're comfortable all day,
but you still look good...

What? All I wanted was to
start a trending hashtag.

Yeah, I don't know
what that is, so.

It's like #ToastTuesday, where
everyone posts recipes of toast.

Why do you need a
recipe for toast?

I have just wasted
my whole day on this,

and I haven't got
anything to post.

Well, maybe you could... could
you post about blended beverages?

That could be fun. Like, what
about #MilkshakeMonday hashtag?

Well, it is on brand for
me, but it's not Monday.

OK, give me it. I still
want the free beverage.

OK, well you take that.

But how are we feeling about doing
a good old-fashioned paper will?

You know, we get a
photograph of you signing it.

You know, we could really
have fun some with it.

No. What's the point?

It's not like I'm gonna
die any time soon.

We don't know that. You
know, life is random.

You could walk out of here
and get hit by a tram.

Why would you say that?
Yeah, I don't know.

That was terrible. Honestly.

Tea.

OK.

Hey, webmaster. I've got
a bit of reading to do.

Any chance I could use
the Caboose? Occupied.

Eh.

OK.

Dad was off sugar by then.
He was using saccharine.

Oh, look out. Rozzie's on deck.

Hey, Roz. Ray.

I'm sorry, what am I looking
at? It's my new gaming chair.

Gaming chair? Aren't
they dangerous?

Didn't one of them
explode and k*ll someone?

No, that's a myth.

I mean, it happened one time
in China, but no-one died,

and another time in America.

But otherwise, total myth.

Why is it here... And
maybe one time in Romania.

It needs to go immediately.

It looks like we're
doing pedicures in here.

That's a shame, mate.

Seriously, though, it's
not gonna explode, is it?

Only with comfort.

Good. Very good.

Fisk! No.

What is it with
you and that couch?

You're like a
disobedient Labrador.

I won't... I wasn't
doing anything.

You right? Yep.

Hey, guys, it's
your Kween, Mareena.

OK, so there's a new
moon in Sagittarius.

Oh, hey. This is
Sid. Say hi, Sid.

Hi. She's so cute.

Is that your truck over
there? No, that way.

Thanks so much for doing
this. No, a pleasure, mate.

I am actually in North Melbourne,
very exciting, and there's a...

Helen? Yes, Roz?

What's the latest on the
clowns? I'm working on it.

I just don't think I've
got a very good argument.

Nikolai's well within his
rights to demand they shut down.

Is he, though?

It really feels like gender
discrimination and as women,

I don't think we should
be supporting that.

Do not lecture me
on women's rights.

I marched for Hillary. I wore
a pink p*ssy hat, did you?

No. I don't love marching
or the word 'p*ssy'.

The play is an
existential discussion

on what it means to be men.

Ohh, I'm bored already, Roz.

When they change the
gender of the characters,

they're breaching copyright!

Yeah, I know that.
But the problem is...

What's Ray got?

What's in that box, please, Raymond?
Not your business, Rozalind.

You don't work here
any more, remember?

Ohh.

It's the sulking I can't stand.

Alright, I'd better head
up. Yeah, beautiful.

Thanks so much for
your help. No worries.

And say hi to Sid
while you're here.

She's awesome.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Get
down! Everyone, get down!

Melcome, get down, you idiot!

That'll do, and then up.

You're not happy with that
pos... I think it's fine.

Like, it's... Like,
you can see it there.

Do you wanna go on to 28?

Ah, hi. I'm looking for
Clown Car Theatre Company.

I'm guessing you're it. Yeah.

OK, so I hate to be the
bearer of bad news, ladies,

but I am here to...

Yeah?

Oh, sorry, do you mind
not calling us ladies?

Oh, sure. Beg your pardon.

Um, hate to be the bearer
of bad news, clowns,

but I'm here to shut you down.

That's gender
discrimination. Mmm.

Technically what we've got going
on here is breach of copyright.

And hey, you can
talk to me directly.

Patch doesn't speak.

That's her truth, and
she likes to stay in it.

Do you think maybe we
could lose the noses?

It's a bit hard to talk to you
with... ..going on.

Great. What about if you
just did another play?

Come on, there's heaps of plays.

You could do The Odd
Couple. That's a fun one.

Or something by Shakespeare.
He's got a million of 'em.

Miracle Worker. You'd
be great in that, Patch.

Oh, here we go.

Yeah, yeah, we want to be the first
women ever to perform this play.

Come on, don't make me
issue an injunction.

That is a lot of paperwork.

Yeah, but we're on a mission
to smash the patriarchy.

Well, then you're gonna need a
lawyer. Have you got a lawyer?

No.

Yeah. I kinda got that
one already, Gwen, thanks.

You know what?

I'm on board with
smashing the patriarchy,

especially in this instance.

So I'm gonna give you
some free legal advice,

help you put on your little
play without getting sued.

I said, "I'm gonna give you
some free legal advice...

Oh, we're... No, we're listening.
Yeah, that means we're listening.

We're listening. Got it.

I will need assurance that no-one
finds out this was my idea.

Agreed. It's simple.

Don't change the gender
of the characters.

Don't change the text,
don't change the title.

Perform it as Death of
Man. Dress up as men.

Pretend to be men.

Like a reverse Footy
Show type thing.

Exactly. I think.

Point is, you still get
to be the first women ever

to perform the play.

We're whispering.

And we completely subvert the
paradigm in the third act.

Yes!

I'm not familiar
with the third act,

'cause I can't get past
the first page, but whoo!

Let's subvert the paradigm
in it, that'd be great,

and let's smash the patriarchy and
let's eat the rich and... girl power!

Clown power!

Anyway, noses on.

Back to it.

Better not be coming in
here to sit on my couch.

No, I was actually coming in
to talk about Roz leaving.

Oh, come on Fisk. I don't want to
talk about that. It's still too raw.

Yeah, I actually wanted to ask about
what's happening with her office?

Might make it into a shrine.

Oh, come on. Really?
I'm joking, Fisk.

Gallows humour. I'm
really gonna miss her.

Yeah, me too. Seriously,
though, about her office.

Can I have it? I'll
think about it.

OK. Hey, I'm off to see Death of Man
tonight with Nikolai. Any interest?

Zero.

I thought we shut that down.

We shut down Death of Woman.
Death of Man, however...

You don't want to be late, Fisk.
No, it doesn't start till seven.

But if you want...
Off you go, mate.

OK, well if you wanted a ticket,
I think there's still plenty.

I'm sure there are. Yep.

Mareena!

You're back.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

Oh, am I being boring again?

I'm sorry. I'm just totes emosh.

I nearly died
yesterday.

Oh, my God, what happened?

Somebody shot up the
beverage bar downstairs.

George is a victim too.

Look what happened to
his beautiful chair.

Oh, my God, are you OK?

My gaming chair exploded.

sh*t.

You were right, Helen.
Everyone should make a will.

Oh, hey, that hasn't changed. You
still can't make a video will.

I know. I just
wanna tell my story.

Let everyone know that you
could die at any minute,

and everyone should make a will,
even though it's really boring.

Hey, right on.

Everyone should know that life
is precious, and so's your stuff.

Yes, that is what I tell people.

Stuff is precious. Exactly.

I want to tag you guys.

Is Grubbers on Insta? Yes.

Grubbers is on Insta.

Yep. Gotcha.

Yeah, there we are.
There's Roz. OK.

Hey, I don't want to overstep,

but I've actually had an
idea for a hashtag for you.

Oh. Breakfast soup.

Is that even a thing? Not yet.

But I know soup, I know breakfast,
and I know breakfast soup.

Nikolai! Got you a flyer.

Wonderful.

So explain what's
happening here?

Well, as I understand it, the play
is going to be performed as written,

just two men, on a
bench, talking rubbish.

I beg your pardon?

Just two men, on a bench,

having an existential
crisis about being men.

But they're women.

Well, they have assured me we're
gonna see two men up there.

That's the power of
theatre, I guess.

Now, should I expect it to be funny
ha-ha, or more dinner party funny?

You know...

When done authentically,
by men... Mmm.

..it's a laugh riot.

But also, intensely provocative.

I'm sorry, how do they intend
to tackle the defining moment

of truth in the third act?

Yes.

I am really looking
forward to that.

It's a nude scene.

Is it?

My suit, it feels like chains.

Perhaps it is the weight of
society's expectation that you feel.

Methinks you speak
the truth, sir.

Mm, is it true
and quite funny...

Shh. Not funny.

Shh. Last night,
I had a dream.

I see no escape.

The world, it
bears down upon us.

Is that annoying? Shh.

Quiet, my friend.

I'll stop.

Let us sit again.

In silence.

What's that?

A leaf, Pinto.

Just a leaf!

Is that the funny
bit? Usually, yeah.

I'm nervous. I don't
know what is happening.

Are you sure you want
to do this, Testavium?

I am, Pinto.

I want to reject society
and all its restrictions.

Death to man.

Ohh. Oh, no. Ohh.

Ohh.

I am reborn!

My rage, Pinto.

My rage is gone. Oh, no.

Uh-oh.

Keep going. Just keep going.

Behold!

The tree! It is bare!

It is done.

Death... of... man.

Blackout.

I don't think anyone noticed.

Well, I loved it.

I want to stab
myself in the face.

Ah, here we go.

So, what'd we think?

I will be proceeding
with legal action.

What? Oh, no. Come on.

Hold on, you said if we dressed
like men, then he couldn't stop us.

You... suggested this
farce? I never said that.

What? No. Shut up, Patch.
Why are you even talking?

Get back in your truth.
You don't speak, remember?

You told a lie.

A damn odious lie, upon my soul.

A lie, a wicked lie.

Oh, hey, that's from
Othello. Oh, shut up Gwen.

Stop showing off 'cause
you know the quotes.

And as for you... Oh! Oh,
now we're not talking?

Great, you're back
in your truth.

Well, I could have used
you there 30 seconds ago,

before you dropped me in it.

To be fair, you did tell us
that's how we'd get around

the copyright issues.

Yeah, and to be fair, do you
remember what else I said

about not saying it was my idea?

Yep. Yeah.

I remember that now.

I think not, my liege.

Come on, mate, we
can sort this out.

Yeah, come on, mate.

Mine eyes will never unsee the
blasphemies I saw last night.

Nor can I ever
forgive the treachery.

OK, so I'm not
great at the quotes.

Do we think that means
he's coming back, or...?

Of course he's not coming back.

He said 'treachery'.

What if we look at it this way?

With Roz, leaving we're
gonna be one lawyer down,

so maybe it's a good thing to
streamline our client base.

Oh, so you did us a favour by
losing our most prestigious client?

Yeah? No.

No. Helen, our
Instagram is blowing up.

We're getting a ton of messages

from people who want to
get their wills done.

How many? 30 so far.

sh*t!

Yeah, it's KweenMarren's
willennial post.

What's that?

It's a post telling
millennials to come in here

and get their wills done.

It's on Insta. Insta.
That's a good one, Helen.

Is it not called Insta?

It is Insta, it's just
funny when you say it.

Oh, right.

So, anyway, looks like
I lost one client,

but I gained 30, so
hashtag "Well done, Helen.

"You really turned
things around."

That's a bit long
for a hashtag. Is it?

That's some serious
lolly, Fisk. Nice work.

Thank you.

Is it nice enough to maybe get
Roz's office when she leaves?

Well, if you can convert even half
of those enquiries into clients,

that office is yours.

Excellent. And what
about couch privileges?

No, mate. Stay off my couch.

OK, well, don't even care,

'cause there's a nice couch in my
new office, and I will sit on that.

Do I have couch privileges?

'Course. All the time.

Oh, God.

Raymond?

Yes, Rozalind?

I've been thinking about
my mediation business.

Is there any reason why I couldn't
operate out of my existing office?

No, none at all. We
could share the space.

Gruber & Associates and
Conch Mediation Services.

It's a match made in heaven.

And that way, I could
stay on as office manager

for both companies.

Yes, please, Rozalind.

That was hot. Is that hot?

Yeah. Do you need a bandaid?

I do need a bandaid.
Or an ointment?

I'd love an ointment, if
there's an ointment there.

I mean, really, Ray,
what is all this?

It's a cry for
help, Rozzie. Mm.

Morning. Exciting day.

If anyone needs me, I
will be in my new office.

Who's gonna tell Fisk?

I'll do it.

I'll break it to her gently.

Helen, I've got a lovely
breakfast soup here for you.

Oh, thank you, Roz.

How lovely.

I wouldn't mind a
coffee, as well,

if you're getting things.