02x03 - Pancakes and Prayer

[bunniefuu]

Good morning!

I'm Maureen Maclntyre,
and we have got a...

Dog outside, please.

How do I connect my
phone to this speaker?

I want some
ambience, not this...

Well, what is this? What on
earth are you listening to?

Golden Waves Radio.

That's Maureen's
Magical Mornings.

Use salt instead of sugar.

Could you imagine that?
I mean, imagine that!

Or maybe, like me, you've tried to
chop a tomato with a blunt knife.

Good Lord, how banal. We'd
like to hear your anecdote.

Give us a call. I've
got an anecdote.

Remember when I ran
out of soy sauce?

Oh, I remember that,
Dad. Classic story.

You should definitely phone in.

No, I don't think so, Tony.

There you go.

There's your whale noises.

Now you can crack on with this
strenuous yoga you're doing.

Dear? Mmm?

Do you think it's odd
that Helen never goes out?

All she seems to do is
work and walk the dog.

Well, maybe we should
introduce her to some people.

Who do we know?

Well, it's hard, isn't it?

She's a tricky one to match up.

Ooh, what about the
Men's Shed on the corner?

That place we thought
was a g*y bar?

Turned out to be full of straight
men, drinking instant coffee

and building bird houses.

What do you think?

Helen, hurry up, please. I
need to make an announcement.

Good morning. Reporting in
for the big announcement.

Finally.

Well, today is the official opening
of Conch Mediation Services.

New signage happening
as we speak.

Well done, Roz. Thank you.

To mark the occasion, we're
upgrading a few things around here.

Raymond?

Alrighty, team, what's better
than dollar-brew coffee?

Pondwater? Loving the jokes.

I'll tell you what's better.

45-cent coffee, brewed
right here on the premises.

Oh, nice one. Guess we won't
be needing this any more.

Or this. No, don't be silly.

We're gonna need that
for tea. Yeah, sorry.

Mind you, who's gonna need tea

now that we've got George
Clooney-grade expresso?

Yeah!

Come on, mate, don't
be silly. OK. Rules.

These pods are for
client use only.

Please buy your own
pods for personal use.

What? We have to buy pods if we
want to drink coffee at the office?

Oh, come on. Are you
serious? Yes, McEnroe.

We're running a
business, not a cafe.

Correct. BYO pods if you want
to enjoy the espresso machine.

Careful, Roz. Doing accents
like that is a bit r*cist.

What? No, it isn't.
I'm speaking Italian.

Parlo Italiano.

Well, scusa. Back-a to work-a.

Ooh, that is a little
bit r*cist, Roz.

Helen, what are
you doing? Hey.

I work long hours, I don't get paid
overtime and I'm not a partner.

The least they can do is
provide a bloody espresso.

Can you make me one
too, please? Yep, sure.

What do you want, double
podder? Yeah, double podder.

Very sorry for your
loss. Thank you.

Come on through. I'm Helen.
Can I get you both a coffee?

Roz!

Roz? Mm?

Where are the coffee
pods? I had to move them.

The honour system didn't
seem to be working.

Well, I need some.
I've got clients here.

I need four. Two for
each coffee. Two each?

Good Lord, they'll be
spinning like tops.

You did tell them it's
very strong espresso?

Yes, they're
prepared to risk it.

Can you see it? Is it on
the roof?

Can't see it. I can hear it.

I think it's in the
wall. In the wall?

God, it's driving me nuts.

I find it quite relaxing.

Sounds like a phone
ringing.

No, that is the phone ringing.

You should probably
answer that. Yeah.

Mmm.

Mm, naughty.

We'll just wait till our
probate clerk gets in.

Sorry, Helen. Yep.

Ah, just to catch you up.

Morrie and Gordon's mother
passed away recently.

Sorry for your loss.
Yeah, we did that bit.

I'm just stepping them
through the will now.

Yeah. I've been left
out. I'm getting nothing.

Sorry for your loss.

That's what you get
for joining a cult.

It's not a cult.

My wife and I belong to the
Church of Barnabus the Believer.

That's exactly what I said.

It's a fundamentalist
Christian cult.

Yeah. Church of Barnabus? I
don't think I know that one.

Well, do you know Jesus Christ?

I know of him.

Well, why don't you
come down and meet him?

We do Pancakes and Prayer
every Saturday morning.

Well, you know I'm
tempted by the pancakes,

but I was brought up Catholic,
so I don't really do God.

Well, without God, there
would be no pancakes.

Yeah,
you got me there.

George, can you go and
see what that banging is?

What's going on?

You were right. It's
definitely in the wall cavity.

I'm trying to drive it out.

Sorry. Can... can you excuse
me for just one minute?

There seems to be a document
missing from your mother's file.

I won't be a sec.

Hang on, hang on.

It's over there. Further down.

I reckon it's further.

Yeah? Got it? Yep, got it.

What have you done there?

Sorry.

Go on! Get out of there.

Mary and I are both
concerned about you, Gordon.

We don't want you going to hell.

I'm all good, mate.

Mum's down there,
which is a real shame.

But that's where you go if
you worship false idols.

False idols?

She worshipped nature.

Yes, but who made
nature, Gordon?

God did. Hey!

Ah, they get it.

Roz. God.

That's your lot.

Rude.

I have the Lowry brothers
in the meeting room.

I think their mother
was a client of yours?

Ah, Gabrielle. Has
she passed away?

Yes, I'm afraid so, and there
seems to be a document missing

from the file.

Yes, a letter of wishes.

I put it aside, because this needs
to be handled very sensitively.

Well, I will be sensitive.

I think it's best I do it.

But Roz, you don't
work here any more.

Did you forget? You left
to follow your passion.

You're Conch Mediation
now... Hello. I'm Roz Gruber.

I prepared your mother's
will, God rest her soul.

Oh, no rest for Mum's
soul, I'm afraid.

She's downstairs.

Do you know Jesus, Mrs Gruber?

No-one knows him, mate. Shut up.

Sorry. Go on, Mrs Gruber.

Actually, I can take it
from here, Mrs Gruber.

Did Helen explain to you
what a letter of wishes is?

No. Oh, Helen.

You took... How was I...

A letter of wishes is like the
emotional explanation of the will.

Basically, it's Mum's way of
speaking to you from the grave.

Oh, I don't think we need
to imagine Mum in her grave.

OK, sorry.

"My darling boys.

"If you are hearing
this, it means I am dead.

"I died of a broken heart, and
complications from syphilis."

Wow, Mum's an open book.

"My dying wish is that you boys
should get the band back together."

We had a Bon Jovi cover band.

Oh, I love Bon Jovi!

Sorry.

"Morrie, when you left the band,

"you left Gordon with
no source of income.

"That is why I'm
leaving him everything."

OK. Thank you, Roz.

Can she do that?
Just cut me out?

She can, however, you would be
entitled to contest the will.

But what I tell
people... Helen...

Yes, I've got this,
thank you, Roz.

It's often better to sort
things out in the room

rather than let it go to court.

Helen...

So what I suggest is we reconvene
next week when you've had a chance

to consider your options.

Helen? Yes, Roz?

There's a second page.
Great, let's hear it.

"Look for me in the skies.

"I am the bird you see soaring.

"Watch for me in the rivers, I
am the fish you see swimming.

"Listen for me in the trees, I
am the wind you hear blowing."

Yep, look out. Mum's everywhere.

"Blessings from your
Mother, and Mother Earth."

Lovely. Mm.

Is that it? Yes.

Good. Let's get
together next week...

Oh, hang on. There's
a PS. Oh, good.

"If you do get the
band back together,

"I think you should try and
get on Australia's Got Talent."

That's a great idea. Mmm!

That was certainly
worth waiting for.

Good advice from Mum. Alright.

Hey... Hey, Ray? Yeah?

Can... can I have
a word about Roz?

About Roz? Yeah. Shh.

Make it quick.

George got it out of the wall,
but it's still lurking out there.

Can you talk to her about
staying out of my business?

She's been removing
documents from files.

She's been making me look like
an idiot in front of clients.

Look at it, trying to
find a way back in.

Did you hear what I said about Roz?
She's annoying. Is that the gist?

Yes. Noted.

Any idea how to get rid
of pigeons? Pigeon sack?

What?

I don't know, like
Ratsak, but for pigeons?

Jesus Christ, Fisk, we
don't want to k*ll it.

Yeah, we just want to
encourage it to move on.

OK, sorry. Spikes?

Helen, that's barbaric.

Oh, I'm not saying you
stick its head on a spike.

Flashing lights?

What about an owl, Georgie?

Yeah, owls are a
natural deterrent.

That's a good idea,
Ray. I'll get onto it.

So will you talk to Roz? Yep.

Thank you. About what?

Yes, Tony used to
have two of them.

But would you say birdhouses
are your most popular project?

Definitely, without a doubt.

Oh, Helen! Come in! Join us!

This is Howard
Muzzin. Hello, Howard.

Hi. Howard runs
the Men's Shed.

Oh, the g*y bar on the corner?

Oh, it's not a g*y bar. It's...

What is it again, Howard?

It's a place where gents can
socialise and get on the tools.

Oh, sounds exactly
like a g*y bar.

It's very nice to
meet you, Helen.

Nice to meet you.
Sit down, Hels.

Oh, I can't. I've gotta
take the dog to the park...

Oh, come on. What are you drinking?
Anything you want. I'll make it.

Ooh, OK. I will have a pina
colada, please, Viktor.

Oh, God, I'm not making sick in
a glass. I'll do you a negroni.

Oh, no, Viktor, I
don't like negronis.

They taste like Actifed CC.

Oh, don't be silly,
they're delicious.

Go and talk to Howard.
He's recently widowed.

Oh, OK.

Yes.

Hi, Howard. Hi.

Viktor said your wife
passed away recently.

I'm very sorry for your
loss. Oh, thank you.

Yeah, if you ever need any help
with probate or anything like that,

I'm a wills and estate specialist,
so feel free to get in touch.

Helen, please don't
solicit in my living room.

What? Viktor just said...

No, no, no, you've ruined
it. Go and walk your dog.

But I was... touting
for business. Thank you.

So what's the tool with
the very sharp blade

that you use to
chisel away at wood?

An auger? I think
it's an auger.

Well, well, well, we meet again.

Oh, hey! Men's Shed man.

Howard. Howard Muzzin.

Thought I might run into you.

I've been here since six.

Have you? Have you got a dog?

No, but you do.

Yes.

Look, Mr Muzzin, about last
night. I'm really sorry.

I thought you wanted
some legal advice.

No, I was simply looking
for some companionship.

Yeah, well, I don't
think Dad and Viktor

are really Men's Shed
material, you know.

Neither one of them
any good on the tools.

I was actually hoping
we could go to dinner.

Oh, you and Dad?
No, you and I.

What? Why? Companionship.

Look, it gets a bit lonely
down there at the Men's Shed,

sipping Nescafe and banging
away at another birdhouse.

Uh-huh.

Maybe I could make
Fluffy here a doghouse?

Well, it's Artie. What
do you think, Fluff?

A doghouse?

Yeah.

And don't worry, Helen,
I am not after sex.

Oh, good to know, yep...

No, the sex will come,
if there's a frisson.

Will it...

Yeah, I've got a good feeling
about this. What do you say?

Well, I actually...

I'm actually running late,
Howard, so I'm gonna...

..I'm gonna skip the coffee
this morning and, come on.

OK. Let's go.

Bye. Let's go. Hustle, hustle.

See ya, Fluff!

It just gets
earlier and earlier.

Viktor, were you trying to set
me up on a date last night?

Yes, your father and I thought
you could use some company.

Are we talking about Howard?

What'd you think, Hels? He
seemed quite taken with you.

Yes, he's stalking me now.

Oh, that's wonderful. I really
thought you'd blown it last night.

Oh, come on! I'm not going
out with Howard Muzzin.

If you don't like Howard,
why don't you pop down

to the Men's Shed
and take your pick?

Yes, Helen, it's like a
widower's warehouse down there.

Oh, stop it, the pair of you.

Just be open to new people.
You can't keep the world out.

I'm not trying to keep
the world out, Dad.

Just old men
looking for frisson.

Hey, web master, is Roz in yet?

No. Great.

I'm gonna go get some
pods. Do you want some?

Are you stealing pods
from Roz's office?

Shh! It's not stealing.

An employer is obliged to provide
us with everything we need

to do our job, and that
includes hot beverages.

You know, she's locked
up the biscuits now, too.

Oh, so disrespectful.

It's like we're criminals.

So are you in? Yeah. Do it.

Get me a pod and a
biscuit. I'll keep lookout.

You're on.

Biscuits, and I wasn't
sure which ones you liked,

so I got you a selection.

My God, Helen, how
stupid, are you?

What? It's too many.

Roz is gonna notice.
God, you're right.

OK, well, take what you want.

How many do you want? Two.

OK, I'll put the rest back.

And a biscuit.

Come on through.

I'm really excited
about this new chapter.

Mediation is such a
rewarding profession.

Hello, Roz!

Heading back to your
office with a client?

Please don't yell at me, George.

This is Larry, from the Australian
Mediation Standards Board.

Let me take you
through to the space.

Alright! Hi, Larry!

Roz'll take you through
to her office now!

Kokaw! Rowr!

Now, we do share kitchen
and bathroom facilities,

but this door allows me
to close the space off,

and now we have a
lovely private bubble.

Just us.

Oh, hi, Roz.

Ah, I was just borrowing
your... stapler.

Did you need to do any
stapling before I go?

No. OK.

Well, I'm off... to
do some stapling.

And here is your private bubble.

Just you.

She's part of a
charity intern scheme.

She has a very low IQ.

And the chap at the reception?

Oh, him too.

Go on! Get out of there!

Don't... stare at me. Go!

Oh, she's annoying.

Oh! Please! Close this window!

Ray's convinced the pigeon's trying
to get back into the building.

Oh, OK. Do you have
something for me?

A stapler, perhaps?

Yes. Mmm.

A stapler.

There it is.

Sorry, just needed to do
some important stapling.

But it's done now. You
can have that back.

Mm-hm.

Gordon! Did you want to see me?

So I've decided I will split
the inheritance with Morrie.

Oh, good on you. That
is really sensible.

It's gonnasave you a
lot of time and money.

But only if he rejoins the band.

Oh, OK. Do you think
he's going to do that?

No. He thinks Bon Jovi's
godless heavy metal.

Heavy metal?

See, I always had them down
as more of an '80s hair band.

c*ck rock, that kind
of thing. Either way.

I was hoping that you'd
be able to convince him.

Convince... Oh, convince Morrie?

Yeah. Yeah.

Or I could... I
could call Mrs G.

Mrs G? Who's...? Oh, God, no, we
don't need to call Mrs Gruber.

No, I'll do it.

I'll sort it out.
You leave it with me.

In safe hands.

I'm onto this. I'll
give you a call, Gordon.

Don't need that.

What's that?

It's a scare owl.

Did you make that yourself,
George? My Grandma did.

She's really crafty.

As in good at
craft, not devious.

Looks like Giggle and
Hoot had a love child.

Yeah, I tried to
make it friendly.

See, it's suggesting that it would
be better to roost over there.

Very, very nice.

Yep, that's a beauty.

George!

Sorry, mate. I'm
turning the heat up.

I'm going with Fisk's
idea of flashing lights.

Good morning!

Coming up later this morning,

I talk to the Reverend
Donald Ledbetter

about the rise and
rise of Christian rock.

Forget about rocking
in the pubs and clubs,

it's all happening
in the church halls.

And there's a pretty
penny to be made, too.

Hallelujah, praise
his name. Let's go.

Come on! Attaboy.

Morning, Helen. Whoa! Hey.

Good morning. Where
were you? In the bushes?

I missed you at
the park yesterday,

so I thought today, I'll
catch you at the source.

Would you like to, ah,
stroll? Hello, Fluff.

Yeah, OK. Well, we
walk pretty fast, so.

I'm surprisingly spry.

Well, you'll have to keep up,
'cause we are in a hurry today.

So, yep. Ahh.

That's a bit fast
for me, I'm afraid.

Yep, I hoped it might be.

Well, maybe we could catch
up later for a pina colada

and we can chat about
Fluffy's doghouse design?

Sorry, can't hear you!

No problem.

You're a modern business lady.

Yeah, I like that.

I like it a lot.

And that was Praise To The
Lord by the Seventh Day Avengers.

Reverend, tell me, are these
bands all writing original tunes?

Some do, others do covers.
g*ns and Rosaries, for example.

It's basically rock and roll
without the sex and drugs.

Oh, well, good-o. I do not
like either of those things.

How does that song go?

Oh, mama.

Hey, web master, what
happened to Blinky?

I didn't see him out there.
Had to take him down.

The shopkeeper across
the road had a fit.

I know Roz and Ray
say that all the time,

but you shouldn't
use that expression.

No, Helen, they literally had a
fit 'cause of the flashing lights.

Oh, sh*t.

So the good news is

Gordon has very
sensibly, and generously,

decided to share
the inheritance.

I prayed that he would.

But only on the proviso that
you get the band back together,

as per your mother's dying wish.

Now, I understand that's...

How's it going in here?
Have we found a solution?

Almost. I was just
about to propose...

No, we have not. I will
not be rejoining the band.

OK. No deal, no money
for you, then. Great.

Ooh, looks like my services
are required here after all.

No. Mediation is a
wonderful process.

I think you'll get
a lot out of it.

Yeah, Roz, could I have a
word with you, out here?

Won't be a minute.

In your office, please?

Why is it...? Someone
was stealing staplers.

Firstly, please don't tout
for business in my meetings.

It's highly unethical. Oh!
Says the thief of staplers.

Secondly, I have
this under control,

and you barging in like
that is not helping.

You need to watch
your tone, Helen.

Yeah, well, you better
watch yours too, Roz.

Your tone. You watch it.
Because it's... rude.

God gave you those sweet pipes,

and I think that he would
want you to use them.

No, no, he doesn't. He
speaks to me regularly.

Never mentioned it. Well, OK.

Well, he's speaking to me
right now. What's that, God?

Wow, he's saying that he wants
Morrie to rejoin the band.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

I mean, I tried to tell him
that, but he doesn't believe me.

Stop it. God is not speaking
to you. How do you know?

Because he just spoke to me then

and he said, "That's not
me speaking to Gordon."

OK, maybe if God could just shoosh
for a bit, I might have a solution.

Have either of you heard of the
radio station Golden Waves Radio?

What about the Christian Rock Hour
with Reverend Donald Ledbetter?

No? OK, what about the
band, The Last Supper Club?

The Seventh Day Avengers?

The Burning Bush Singers?

Yeah, so we've got no pubs or
clubs, remove any explicit lyrics,

make them more Jesus-y.

That's a great idea!

And you'd only perform
at church halls.

Yeah, great. Alright.

Well, I think we have a deal.

The Lowry brothers are about
to become the first ever

Fundamentalist Christian Bon Jovi
cover band, Living On A Prayer.

Ah...

Yep?

God says it's OK.

Good. Loves it.

Great. Good stuff.

Hey, Howard! Ahh!

Helen, so glad you called.

Rustled up a little
something. Voila.

Wow. That is absolutely perfect.

Thank you so much.

Still a hard no on the frisson.

Well, time takes
care of everything.

Not enough time in the world for
that, but I do appreciate this.

Come on, Artie, let's go.
Oh, wait. Wait a minute.

Before you go, I have a distinct
recollection of you saying that

you loved nothing more
than a cheeky pina colada.

Yeah, not necessarily
at seven in the morning.

Argh.

You know what? It's
mostly juice. Why not?

You want a humane solution?

Well, this is how you encourage
a pigeon to roost elsewhere.

Nice one, Helen.

Just put it as far away
from my office as possible.

I don't want to
hear it. You got it.

Oh!

Raymond, can I have a word with
you in my office about Helen?

About Fisk?

Close the door.
Close the door.

Absolutely.

She's developing quite the
attitude. I don't like it.

I think you might need
to back off a bit.

Me? I meant we. Both of us.

She's turned out to be a
pretty good probate lawyer.

Well, I was her
mentor. Exactly.

And the mentee is now mented.

That is not a word.

Munted?

Point is, I think
you and I - we -

need to give Fisk a
little more respect.

She knows what she's
doing.

Hi, guys.

I'm locked out.

Gruber & Associates,
George speaking.

Hello?

Pigeons.

Some people have called
them the rats of the sky,

and other cultures worship them.

What do I think?

Well, I think they're just nice.

Thanks for watching Fisk.