Vampire Happening, The (1971)

[bunniefuu]

(light jazz music)

- [Man] Right, I got it.

What about International Oil?

- [Woman] Darling.

Is business more important than me?

- [Man] Mhmm.

Just buy a thousand
shares of Mountain Copper

and sell all the National Steel.

- [Woman] Now that's enough.

Hang up, sweetheart.

(both moaning)

- I wanna bite you.

(woman moaning)

- [Girl] Gee, mommy, my first adult movie!

- [Man] I'm sure I got the
right plane to New York.

(woman moaning)

- [Attendant] Here's your martini, sir.

- [Man] Gracie.

- [Attendant] You're very welcome.

Your c*ck, Madam.

Oh!

Don't do that!

b*tch.

(plane whooshing)

- [Announcer] All
passengers for flight 777

are requested to board
immediately at gate 13.

Transylvania Airlines
announcing a 30 minute delay

of Flight 814 to Lower Slobovia.

- Hey!
(attendant giggling)

- Hi, baby.

- Hi.

How was the trip?

- [Woman] Oh Miss Williams,

your car is ready.

- [Announcer] All
passengers for flight 777

are requested to board
immediately at gate 13.

- I hope you enjoy your visit, Madam.

- Thank you.

- [Valet] All set.

- Thank you.

- Thank you, Madam.

Would you let me have
your autograph, please?

- But of course.

(suspenseful music)

(eerie choir music)

(chill music)

(eerie choir music)

(chill music)

(eerie vocal music)

(car revving)

(eerie vocal music)

(crashing)

(eerie vocal music)

(car revving)

(eerie vocal music)

(lightly tense music)

(creaking)

(knocking)

(crows cawing)
(eerie music)

(door creaking)

- No.

Clarimonde, no!

- Hello, Joseph.

- How did you?

The sun is up already.

- [Betty] What about the sun?

- And the heavy locks on your coffin.

- [Betty] What coffin?

- That's far enough!

Don't come any closer, Clarimonde Catani.

- But Joseph, what are you saying?

- I'm not Joseph.

I mean how would you know my name

if you're not Clarimonde Catani?

- I've come over from the other side.

- The other side?

- Yes, from the United States.

- [Joseph] United States?

- In the movies I'm
known as Betty Williams

but my real name is
Elizabeth Von Rabenstein.

- Baroness Elizabeth?

- Mhmm.

- What a pleasure, the niece and heiress

of our dear master who
left us 15 years ago.

(gasping)
- Yes.

- But how do you know my name?

- Oh, Uncle wrote me about everything.

All about you, Joseph.

How about a tour of the castle?

(clanking)

- I'm afraid we're not too civilized here.

And we have no electricity.

- No matter, I'll probably
be leaving here very soon.

- You want to leave again so soon?

- Mmm, yes, I just wanted to see the place

before I sold it.

- Hmm.

I shall prepare the royal
suite for you, Baroness.

- Joseph.

Why were you so startled
when you first saw me?

- Hmm.

Follow me.

(door creaking)

Eh.

That's why.

This is Clarimonde Catani.

- It really could be me.

- Your great grandfather

brought her over from Italy

where she was a Neapolitan dancer.

He married her in spite
of family objections.

She was a witch.

- [Betty] A witch?

- Yes, a witch, that's right.

Yes, she was uncanny, unnatural.

She devoured men.

- You mean with a knife and fork?

- No, no, she used various other tools.

The painter of this
portrait was her lover.

When she tired of him,

he threw himself off the bell tower.

She even seduced novices.

- [Betty] Right on, grandma.

- Well, she died as she had lived.

One morning, she was found dead

among her tumbled sheets, naked.

- Naked?

- With two marks of teeth
in the side of the neck,

needle sharp teeth.

It was said that she was bitten by a fox,

a rabid fox.

But some say it was a vampire.

This room, Madam, is the t*rture chamber.

That is a cat of nine tails.

Over here is the infamous rack

where the enemies of your
family were stretched

until their limbs and
sinews were torn apart.

(woman moaning)

(machine creaking)

And now, Madam,

those are the thumb screws.

Very effective for extracting confessions.

(eerie music)

- Don't do that!

- And here we have the
piece de resistance,

the hanging chains.

(chains clinking)

This is where the criminals
were hung upside down

for days on end.

(eerie music)

And now Madam, since you insisted,

the family vault.

Your esteemed uncle, Baroness.

- [Betty] Open it up.

- Huh?

- Open it.

- But that'll be sacrilegious!
- Look, I never met him.

(eerie music)

(mouse squeaking)

What a quaint custom.

Burying the pets with their owner, hmm.

I always heard he was a tidy sort.

And great uncle Wilhelm,

and great aunt Tudaisy,

all neatly put in a line. (chuckling)

Hmm, here's Clarimonde.

Joseph, give me the keys to the vault.

- Whatever for?

- I want to visit my relatives.

Joseph, please give me the keys!

- As you wish.

Though I'd have that coffin dropped

in the deepest part of
the lake, if I were you.

- The keys, Joseph.

(keys clinking)

- You should let the dead rest.

Remember what I told you about Clarimonde.

- Yes, I'll remember.

- [Reporter] At the tone,
it will be 12 midnight.

(woman screaming)

This is Radio Transylvania.

A late bulletin.

The local blood bank is low.

Would all donors report to the clinic

of Dr. Franklin Stein?

Now our music continues as we hear

Full Moon and Empty Veins.

(light music)

(moaning)

- [Woman] Come with us.

Come to your party.

Come with us.

Come to your party.

(festive music)
(crowd chattering)

- You!

- Help yourself.

- Oh you gorgeous thing you!

- What's the matter?

Don't you like the taste of breasts?

(crowd laughing)

- Pardon me, Baroness,

I didn't mean to wake you.

- It's cool, Joseph.

Oh Joseph, it's nice to
be back among the living.

Oh, what a nice morning, hmm.

What's that over there?

- Hmm?

That's the Monastery of Eripmav,

a priest seminary.

- So that's where my
man-eating great grandmother

used to get her meals.

Oh, you know, I'm in the
mood for some excitement.

(man gasping)

Now that particular novice
is rather cute, hmm.

Joseph, I want a bath.

Will you build me one in the next room?

- [Joseph] A bath?

- Yes, a bath.

I think I'll stay on a bit.

I have a feeling I'm
going to enjoy it here.

- A bath?

In the castle?

Are you sure you wouldn't
like a sauna as well?

- Yes.

Joseph, what a wonderful idea.

(birds chirping)

(gasping)

(creaking)

(whimpering)

(groaning)

- No.

Hm?

It's nothing.

Nothing but evil hallucinations, Martin!

Sent by the lord of hell
to corrupt your innocence!

Oh, Saint Celibacious!

Saint Celibacious help me.

(light music)

(exclaiming)

- Come on.

- St. Celibacious, help me
from this most dangerous kind!

- What are you saying?

- You must leave me alone.

- Why should I leave you alone?

I think you're cute.

- Really?

- Yes, you're something special.

- It is written, if thine eyes offend me

then pluck it out!

- Oh, your languid.

What do you find so offensive?

- All this, I think.

- I really never had
anyone complain like you.

- You're not real,

I will make sure that you shall melt away

for you're just a vision
sent by the dark lord...

What am I grasping?

- You're grasping my left offensive.

- Yes, but...

But you're real.

You're flesh and blood!

- Your grasp is getting to me.

- Oh, what sin is before
me, flux and away!

You and I, alone in the woods,

what will the abbot say?

No, I could be thrown out of the seminary!

- You could always say
that I'm a hallucination.

But I want you to know me for sure,

me as flesh and blood,

as Baroness Rabenstein.

- I'm sorry Baroness.

What can I do for you?

- Care for my soul.

Pleasure what is covered.

- What pleasures can I give?

- I'll tell you.

I'll expect you tonight in the castle.

We'll sit side by side
in one of the old pews

in the chapel.

- Oh, but I can't leave the
seminary except secretly!

- I promise you won't regret coming.

And bring a red rose.

(light music)

(bird chirping)

- Well, Father.

Adam ate of the apple too.

(clanging)

- What are you doing?

- Just digging here.

It's for your new bath, okay?

- Yes.

Make it plenty deep.

- Yes, ma'am.

- You're big and strong.

- [Worker] Yes, ma'am.

- Are you the handyman from around here?

- [Worker] I do odd jobs
for Joseph now and then.

- I may have you do something odd for me.

- [Worker] Anytime, ma'am.

- Don't forget, you are
to fix the sauna as well.

- Mhmm.

(wind whooshing)

(locks clattering)

(eerie voices droning)

(gasping)

(lightly tense music)

(chanting in foreign language)

- Oh dear.

(grunting)

(clock hooting)

(suspenseful music)

- [Clarimonde] Hmm, I like
the see through styles.

(tense music)

(gulping)

(lightly tense music)

(knocking)

- Beg your pardon, I was...

- Yes, come in.

The Baroness is expecting you.

- Thank you.

- I'm upstairs.

- [Clarimonde] Buona Sera, seniores.

- [Martin] Oh, hello, hello.

- My favorite type.

- Hello, Baroness.

Oh, you already have a rose.

You promised to show me
the chapel, Baroness.

- I did?

- Yeah.

- Then come along.

The perfect place for what I have in mind.

- Just a moment, Joseph.

Did he arrive?

- Yes, I saw you take the young man away.

- Oh come on, Joseph.

I haven't budged from the
drawing room for 20 minutes.

- But just a moment ago, you yourself...

Lord have mercy.

- You lost your mind, Joseph?

- Black hair, oh black, mercy oh.

Did you open the locks
on Clarimonde's coffin?

- It's very warm in here, Baroness.

I didn't forget the rose though, Baroness.

(light music)

You don't like my rose?

(suspenseful music)

I thought we were going to
sit in the chapel, Baroness.

- Never mind the stupid chapel.

I'll show you something more precious.

(music intensifying)

I need you, understand?

- Yes, yes I do.

Only the pope, he won't understand.

Eh?

- [Joseph] If her coffin is open,

I'll drive a stake through her heart.

- [Betty] Just silly superstitions.

- If you had lived here,

you wouldn't think that
vampires were superstition.

Someday you'll discover the truth actually

and know the need
- Joseph.

It's the 20th century.
- for driving stakes in.

- Vampires and driving
stakes through their hearts,

it's just stupid old tales
to frighten children.

- In these parts, Madam,
we know the best way

to deal with vampires.

Now you open the lid and I'll strike her.

Oh dear.

Empty.

That means she is out hunting.

Now all that can help us

is a silver cross and plenty of garlic.

You can't have too much garlic, let's go.

- Oh, Joseph, you sound
more like an Italian cook

than a butler.

There's an explanation for all this.

The next thing you'll tell me

is that Dracula will be joining us.

- Silly girl.

My old flame will be joining us soon.

Oh, am I going to sleep tonight.

Mmm, just like the dead.

Ouch, those damn amateur vampire hunters.

- [Betty] Maybe he's wandered down here.

- Look.

Look there.

Dead.

Well, what about your explanation now?

We must get him out of the castle at once

or we'll be accused of his m*rder.

Or do you want to tell
the police of your theory

on nonexisting vampires?

- I refuse to believe in vampires.

(somber music)
(truck revving)

- Hmm.

(bell tolling)

- Only yesterday Brother
Martin was with us.

Young Brother Martin with a pure soul

burning with zeal,

striving for perfection in
virtue, obedience and chastity.

And now, we are paying
him our last respects.

We are deeply moved

and are joined in our moment of sorrow

by the young ladies of
the adjoining seminary.

How bravely he resisted
temptations of the world,

the great harlot, in spite
of all her seductive wiles,

he was staunch and rigid in his resistance

of the low urges

and temptations of the flesh

as the rest of our faithful
brothers and novices.

How deep is the meaning of the candles

in the innocent hands
of these virginal girls?

How significant, yes.

They are like flickers.

Like the pulse of mourning hearts.

How transparent.

I mean, how very brief is our skirt,

I mean...

I mean our life.

How very strange indeed

that the life of our dear Brother Martin

should have been snuffed out by the teeth

of a rabid fox!

And thus, dear departed one,

rest in peace.

(rain pattering)
(crowd chattering)

- Here, may I?

You're gonna get wet.

- Thank you.

- Mr. Larsen, are you coming?

- No, I have no more classes today.

- If you like, I can give you a lift.

- Oh, thank you.

(thunder rumbling)

(clears throat) Is your place far?

- [Betty] No, it won't take us long.

I hope I don't frighten
you with my fast driving.

- No.

I don't frighten easily.

You handle a car very well, Baroness.

You must have had lots of experience.

- So have you if I'm not mistaken.

- Oh.

You mean driving?

- Aren't you a teacher in a girls' school?

- I see what you mean, yeah.

I suppose so.

- Can I offer you some tea at my house?

And maybe we can dry your coat also.

- Thank you.

(thunder rumbling)

- Here we are.

- Very nice.

- Hang your coat up by the fire.

I want to run up and change.

- Okay.

Oh, as you Hollywood people say,

slip into something comfortable.

- Right.

Just make yourself at home.

- [Mr. Larsen] Oh, thanks.

- Oh, and Joseph will bring us some tea.

- Oh, thank you, Baroness.

That's very kind of you.

Which way'd she go?

(tense music)

- [Betty] Hello.

- [Mr. Larsen] Sure look comfortable

- I am, I really am.

I always feel better
without all the female gear.

(screaming)

(cups shattering)

- Joseph, what are you doing?

- Excuse me.

I'm sorry.
- Oh, look Joseph.

I'll take care of Mr. Larsen.

Never mind.
- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Never mind.

- You should take off your trousers.

- What?

Oh.

If you say so.

- I've seen men before.

So don't be shy.

Besides, it looks as though

you're going to have to stay anyway.

It's pouring outside.

- Well I-
- It's no trouble.

- Now I'm sure it's good
for crops or something.

- [Betty] Yes.

And it's good for other things too.

- [Mr. Larsen] Oh, Betty.

- [Betty] You're quite strong.

- Betty, you're heavy.

- Oh, why you!

- Oh!

Oh, oh!

- It is her!

I am sure of it, it's
her all right, I saw her.

I know it!

I better make sure.

- [Betty] I'll show you how heavy I am.

- What, just because I said
you were heavy, I mean,

don't hold it against me.

- [Betty] Funny, but that's
just what I plan to do.

- [Mr. Larsen] Oh, Betty.

(gentle music)

- I thought you were the teacher.

- But Betty, I'd rather learn from you.

- Oh dear, I'll be.

Well, I'm getting really mixed up.

I'll bet you are too.

Ah, well.

No more of that wooden stake business.

I'm gonna make you a
permanent resting place.

You're going for a swim, Clarimonde.

- Your resemblance to that old portrait

is absolutely amazing.

Your smile, mmm.

That insolent shape of yours,

and of course your sexiness, head to toe.

(growling)

- [Betty] Uh huh, and you
said I was heavy. (laughing)

- Now my dear Clarimonde,

there'll be no more vamping
for you, sweetheart.

(banging)

(tense music)

(man whistling)

(thudding)

(man whistling)

- The dead in their graves,

chewing and smacking their lips.

My god, what a taste in
literature your uncle had.

Unique!

Aha, werewolves and vampires.

The vampires rise from their tombs

in order to suck the blood of the living.

This gives the vampire the strength

to walk the earth again.

However, the demon must be back
in his tomb before sunrise.

- A man who has been bitten

also turns into a vampire after his death.

He can be released from his possession

only by having a sharp wooden stake

driven in his heart.

- What a lot of slop.

- And what if I turned
out to be a vampire?

- Hmm.

Then I'd drive my stake into ya,

you little devil.

- Thank you Joseph,
that's all for tonight.

And lock up.

We're not home to anybody.

Don't open the door to a living soul.

- No, madam.

Not to a living soul.

And now, Clarimonde,

how would you like to go for
that swim I promised you?

(box creaking)

(somber music)

(splashing)

(water gurgling)

Bon voyage, Clarimonde.

(light music)

(owl hooting)

(wolves howling in distance)

(birds chirping)

- [Betty] Bye darling, see you tonight!

- [Mr. Larsen] Bye, sweetheart.

- Bye bye.
- Bye.

(car starting)

(car revving)

(student whispering indistinctly)

- Come on.

- Of course he slept with her, you bet.

Didn't you see the way she
devoured him with her eyes, huh?

What a dirty trick coming here

and seducing Herr Larsen, do you know?

- Gabrielle, Kirsten,
will you stop chattering?

Don't you realize you're over
20 and still in this school?

What do you intend to do

if you don't get promoted again this year?

You've already been passed over twice.

- You on the other hand, have
only been passed over once.

- But in your case, for good.

- How dare you.

Gabrielle, Kirsten, go to
your rooms immediately!

I will deal with you both later.

- That's what they wanted, really.

- Well, girls.

Now that we're rid of the rowdy element,

let's get on with our biology studies.

The sage plant has a top root

as you can see for yourselves.

Almost two feet in length,

it is the reservoir of
the necessary life fluid.

A built in male for each flowering female.

- You're my builder, lover boy.

- The flower resembles a wide open mouth.

And the lips on the pollen bearing leaves,

it forms a barrier,

making the bees and butterflies
toil for their honey.

And about this time of year,

we find the insects helping already.

Continue reading, girls.

Oh, Mr. Larsen?

(students giggling)

We missed you at dinner last night.

- Yes, I was-

- And also at breakfast this morning.

It's bad for the students.

(students laughing)

- Your girls are getting
out of hand, Miss Niessen.

- I am not surprised.

With a teaching staff as
morally lax as you are.

I must really tell the
headmaster about this.

- Yours?

- [Ms. Niessen] Quiet, girls!

(shattering in distance)

- We gotta get out of here!

- Come on, come on, come on, keep going.

(kooky music)

- Ooh!

I shouldn't be doing this. (giggling)

Ooh.

Agh, they ought to ship
that d*ke back to Holland.

- And so the young novice
must have lost his way

and wound up in the t*rture chamber.

Might have got a shock and heart failure.

That's all.

- And what about those bites, Baroness?

- Well you've got rats in this part

like I've never seen before in my life.

And now you're going
to find my great granny

resting peacefully in her coffin,

not at the bottom of the lake.

- You see, it's just like
I told you, Baroness.

- What the hell happened?

I've looked everywhere.

A thing like that just doesn't disappear!

- What on earth are you raving about?

- What do you mean what?

I'm talking about the sauna
bath you folks ordered.

I left it in a box in the barn.

- Joseph.

You have thrown my sauna into the lake.

The deepest part.

- I'm going out of my mind!

- Yes, Joseph.

Of course you are.

- Oh dear.

- Your bed was always
very uncomfortable, Luigi.

(tense music)

(Joseph snoring)

- Go away!

Damn you to hell!

Go back to your coffin!

Go!

- [Mr. Larsen] If that old b*tch Niessen

keeps making it tough for me at school,

I may have to find a new position.

- I'm happy with the one we have.

- [Mr. Larsen] Oh, you.

- Maybe I need somebody to protect me.

Joseph's trying to convince me

that this place is absolutely
swarming with vampires.

- Joseph is mad.

Look, Betty, the only
blood draining vampire

around here is you.

- Perhaps.

(lightly tense music)

(snarling)

(dog barking in distance)

(Gabrielle giggling)

- You look beautiful.

(tense music)

- Good night, lover boy.

Sleep tight.

Goodnight, see you tomorrow.

- [Man] You forgot something.

- Ah.

- St. Eripmav, St. Eripmav

Take away my unchaste
thoughts, St. Eripmav.

Oh, St. Eripmav, for heaven's sake.

Eripmav is vampire spelled backwards!

(grunting)

- Freezing my tuckus!

Ah, what I have to do to get dinner!

(tense music)

- [Gabrielle] Mmm, Billy, again so soon?

- Hmm?

(growling)

(snarling)

- Oh well.

I think one bite a night is enough.

Better save this for breakfast. (laughing)

(lightly tense music)

- [Clarimonde] No, that's not right.

Black's better for work.

(bell tolling)

- Merciful heavens, Baroness!

What, what?

At this hour?

In my cell!?

- I've come for confession.

- But, but, but not now.

Tomorrow!

- No, now.

As it is your duty, Abbot,

to hear me at any hour I choose.

So listen to what I have to say.

(snarling)

(ominous music)

(Martin giggling)

- Hmm, there it is.

My pretty home. (giggling)

Yahoo!

- [Clarimonde] Oooh, oh.

(banging)

(yawning)

- I'm sorry I'm so late, Joseph.

- Quite all right, Baroness.

Good night.

(car revving)

- Look, Betty.

Fun is fun, I agree.

But we really must get some sleep.

- I'll think it over.

- Look, Betty, I've gotta be bright eyed

and bushy tailed in the morning.

- Good evening, Joseph.

Sorry we're so late.

- It's quite

all right, madam.
- Good evening.

- After all, it is my job.

(tense music)

- [Mr. Larsen] Come on,
Betty, please be reasonable.

(Joseph's body thudding)

- (laughing) Fix yourself a drink, John.

I'll be down in a minute.

(lightly suspenseful music)

- Now let me see, steel doesn't work.

What can I use?

Ah ha.

- [DJ] This week's radio special,

blood sausages at Arthur's Butcher Shop.

Real blood, no preservatives.

Now back to haunting news.

(eerie kooky music)

(sloshing)

(cork popping)

- [Clarimonde] Oh, there you are.

- You never run out of changes.

That's a lovely necklace.

Is the rose real?

- [Clarimonde] Of course.

- I love everything about you.

Your eyes, your lips,
your teeth, everything.

Huh?

You never looked at me like this before.

So mysterious.

Almost, almost...

Cruel.

(music intensifying)

(gentle sultry music)

(Clarimonde moaning)

- That must be the Baroness.

Clarimonde would be sucking by now.

That means the one in
the bath is the vampire.

(humming)

- Maybe you are some sort of vampire.

- [Clarimonde] Think so?

Maybe I'd like to bite you all over.

- Go on, do it!

- Not today.

I'd like to have plain sex for now.

- [John] You've got a hex on me, darling.

- You've got something on me.

(both moaning)

It's been a hundred years. (moaning)

- What do you mean, it's
been a hundred years?

- Joseph, aren't you ashamed of yourself?

Act your age.

- [Joseph] Madam, I just
thought if I put this,

then she couldn't, I mean the neck.

- Anyway Joseph, you can't
fight your vampires that way.

- [Clarimonde] Be right back.

- [John] I'm not going anywhere.

- That Joseph, he's
some sort of character.

- Uh huh.

Yeah let's talk about it tomorrow, okay?

Wait a minute, Betty.

- You're not sleeping now.

- Hey, hey, hey, wait.

Remember the pause.

Remember the pause?

- Enough talk.

- Just one more minute.

(romantic music)

(eerie music)

(Clarimonde snarling)

- Now I'll pierce your
black heart, Clarimonde!

- Surely.

(clanging)

(creaking)

(Joseph screaming)

Not a bad day, Luigi.

Not a bad score.

(door creaking)

- [Joseph] Help, help!

Help, somebody please!

Oh, help me somebody!

Help!

Help, help!

Somebody help, please!

Oh, oh!

- Hello!

- [Joseph] Hello?

- [John] Who's there?

- [Joseph] It's me, Joseph!

- Joseph, what are you doing down there?

You'll get soaked.

- [Joseph] No, no I won't.

I'm sitting on a ledge.

- Oh.

Well then I'll send the
bucket down for you.

(grunting)

- [Joseph] Well done.

Well done, Mr. Larsen.

- Now we've got it.

My god, Joseph, how did you get in there?

- Clarimonde Catani pushed me.

Pushed me right down the shaft

when I tried to k*ll her.

I must try again, yes.

- You're okay now.

Just pull yourself together, eh?

- You can take me straight
to the lunatic asylum, sir,

but I swear it's true.

And you were with her last night,

yes you were, I saw you.

- Oh Joseph, what are you smoking?

- The lady with the rose,

that was not the Baroness.

- Now, Joseph.

- Well why don't you ask her yourself?

She'll remember last night.

For her, it's been a
long time between lovers.

A long time, more than a
hundred years, I would say.

Dammit man, believe me!

- Wait a minute!

Betty was different last night!

All of a sudden, she was...

Wearing the rose.

- That wasn't Betty.

Oh well, you should know the difference.

That is...

- Take me down to the vault.

Right now.

All right, Joseph.
- I should

drive the stake through her black heart.

That's the only way we can
get rid of the vampire.

- Joseph, Joseph!

That sort of thing is impossible!

- There are more things in
heaven and earth, Horatio,

- They are supposedly
only able to move about

after sunset, right?

- When the sun strikes
them, they fall into dust.

- And anyone they bite

- [Both] Becomes a vampire himself!

- He is buried, and the next
night rises up to the hunt.

- But that's pure superstition!

- Sir, it's the rules

that you can only release a vampire

by driving a wooden
stake through his heart.

Then there's nothing
left but a little bit of

dust and ashes.

Now.

Now you must do it.

- But she's breathing!

- Ah, you see it at last.

Strike sir, strike now!

Now!

- I can't do it.

Possibly somebody else.

- She bewitched you too, sir!

Just like the others!

She's got you in her clutches!

- All right, Joseph,
I've got a plan, okay?

I'll be here at sundown tonight.

And when she wakes, if she wakes,

I'll talk to her.

- Talk to her?!

She'll k*ll you without mercy!

- If it's as you say,

then why didn't she
k*ll me last night, hmm?

No!

I'll do it my way.

I will lock myself in this room

so that no one can come in or out.

We'll see what happens at sundown.

Now Joseph, tell Betty that
I can't see her tonight.

And that's all.

Not a word about this, do you understand?

You understand?!

- A nightmare of danger, I tell you.

All right, sir.

May the Lord help us.

- Standing me up?

Me, Betty Williams?

The nerve of him.

And I had a surprise for him tonight too.

Very well, I'll go by myself.

- Go, Madam?

Go where?

- To the party.

The invitation arrived by
messenger this morning.

- (clears throat) The Count and Countess

Van Ochsenstein, take great
pleasure in inviting you,

dear Baroness Von Rabenstein

to attend the annual reception
of Ochsenstein castle.

PS, proper costumes will be
provided for those without.

- I'll teach that school teacher.

While he's standing me up,

I'll be dining with blooded
and social aristocracy.

- But are you sure it's
safe to go alone, Madam?-

- Now don't you worry.

I'm a big girl, Joseph.

Anyway, run along now

and let me prepare for the ball.

- [Joseph] Ah yes, you better.

(light music)

- What to wear?

Mhmm.

(clock hooting)

- You silly humans, you're
really no match for us.

Sorry to leave you.

But I've been invited
to Castle Ochsenstein.

It's our annual convention.

What should I wear?

- He stood me up.

- Well, well, just like my coffin.

- Maybe there'll be someone there

who appreciates what I've got to offer.

(car starting)

- Mr. Larsen, oh dear.

Mr. Larsen!

Wake up!

Mr. Larsen, this is no time for sleep!

Mr. Larsen!

- She's gone.

We'll have a very naked vampire now.

- If Betty's at the reception

out at the Ochstenstein castle,

that means that Clarimonde,

- That Betty's in danger, grave danger.

Let's go, Joseph.

- Too bad.

- What?

- That those high celluloid collars

aren't fashionable anymore.

- Do you have any idea where
this Ochstenstein castle is?

- [Joseph] Yes, but I'd much rather go

during the daytime.
- Come along, Joseph.

- [Joseph] No you can't.

(chill organ music)
(wolf howling)

(hooves clopping)

(laughing)

- Come on, Martin!

You must behave tonight, you hear me?

(guests chattering)

- Come on girls, I
wanna dress both of you.

- Martin!

Although our standing may have changed,

but remember I retain authority, hmm?

(Martin laughing)

- Ooh, come in late.

- Oh.

Madam, yes.

Your grace.

- My dear Abbot, now that you're one of us

you must visit us more often.

You're just in time
for the guest of honor.

Do mingle.
- Okay.

Good evening.

- Good evening.

(giggling)

- Hey, none of that.

- Oh, mother! (laughing)

(laughing)

Oh.

Excuse me.

Really, are you one too?

Oooh.

(drums banging)

- Hang on, Joseph.

Betty's in danger, we'll
ride like the wind!

(helicopter whirring)

(crowd cheering)

- [Pilot] We're here, Chief.

(regal music)

- [Girl] A bloody bouquet, Dracula.

- Rosemary's baby!

Ooh!

- [Girl] My permanent set, Dracula.

- You bite well for one so young.

(upbeat music)

(crowd chattering)

(crowd applauding)

- Ladies and gentlemen,

may I present our guest
of honor, Count Dracula.

(crowd applauding)

- Dearly beloved brothers and sisters,

I thank you for your warm reception.

(crowd applauding)

The shorter my speech, the
longer our celebration.

Our motto, "Death to
the living!" (laughing)

Joy of living to the dead.

(crowd applauding)

I wish you now

an increased blood count!

And now let us start our festivities

in deathly earnest.

(crowd chattering)

- We are indeed honored by
your presence, Count Dracula.

- My dear Ochsenstein, why so formal?

Call me Christopher.

I'm sure you won't mind.

- Ah!

(both laughing)

Ah!

- Oh, my sizzling pussycat!

- Come along, my lovelies.

We don't need men.

I'll take care of you.
- But...

you wouldn't be here except for me.

Oh, Drac...

Beg your pardon, Count.

Bye.

- Such a lady.

(laughing and snarling)

(wolves howling in distance)

- Oh, ooh.

I think I prefer the coffin.

(motorcycle revving)

- [John] You okay?

- Hardly, I may have sprained my ulna

after that ride.
- Oh come on,

you can't be hurt.

There's her car, Betty's here.

- Oh dear, I wish I was
home in bed in one piece.

- Shh, we'll get to that
after we find Betty.

(horse braying)

Come on, Joseph.

Come on.

Come along, just quit stalling.

Come on.

Hurry.

- [Joseph] Look, I never,
you can't, I won't.

You have no idea, it's not safe!

(crowd chattering)

- (giggling) Look!

Clarimonde, yoohoo!

Honey, where you been all night?

I want you for me, you champ of vamps.

- You're drunk, you fool.

- That's not vampire talk.

You look like Clarimonde.

Well, that's easily settled.

One bite and I know. (snarling)

(tense music)

- You (speaks in foreign language) you!

(Martin screaming)

- What can I offer you, dear Count?

Ox blood or perhaps a Bloody Mary?

- See anything you might like?

- Rosemary's baby's blood.

A large one.

- Oh, there you are.

- Delighted that you
accepted our invitation.

And you're so lovely as a blonde tonight.

- Didn't I see you a
minute ago with black hair?

- No, it wasn't me.

- You two look as though

you might like to be alone.

Darling, shall we?

- So glad to have the
opportunity to be alone with you.

But something's come up.

I must have you.

- Oh come on, don't start that with me.

- There's something more serious.

Word has reached me that
you've been indulging in sex.

The worst kind of sex.

Human sex.

What do you say about that?

- Well, it's a hell of a lot
better than blood sucking.

- [Joseph] I guess I'm ready, Mr. Larsen.

This costume seems adequate.

- These might come in very handy.

- I'm sure they will, yeah.

- Come on, let's find Betty.

(crowd moaning)

See Betty here?

- No.

- Oh boy, a dentist would make
a small fortune around here.

Excuse me, excuse me.

- I don't.

- Wait a minute.

Joseph, I think I've got an idea.

But I'll need your help.
- A what?

- Come on over here.

Think about it, Joseph.

At six in the morning,

these things'll be
sucking their fangs out.

You go upstairs, in the tower,

stop the clock to set the
time back, and we got 'em.

- Yes.

I wonder why nobody's
thought of that before?

Now.

- As soon as it's done, get back to me.

Go.

(woman laughing)

- Hmm?

Hmm.

(crowd chattering)

- Mr. Larsen!

He must have smuggled
himself in here, get him!

Get him!

Get him!

(vampires growling)

(spray hissing)

- Get back now!

Get back, you dirty dead dogs!

Do you hear what I told you?

Back in your coffins!

(laughing)
- Hey, he's one of us!

(crowd chattering)

(laughing)

- And now, my dear Count,

we prepared a very tasty dessert for you.

- My dear Ochstenstein,

how very kind of you.

Please, accept this special award.

Now to the goodies! (laughing)

- See?

- My dear Ochstenstein, you
always remember my birthday.

- Oh, so cute, verily strong.

- Ladies.

Let us play!

(horn blowing)

(woman giggling)

- [Man] Let's get to the party!

- Betty, Betty!

Betty, Betty!

At last!

Look, we've got to get out-

- Oh John, you shouldn't be here.

It's too dangerous for you.

Come in here with me.
- But, but!

- [Clarimonde] Now, you are safe in here,

but I'm not Betty.

You should remember me after last night.

Oh, poor darling.

Oh, my sweetheart, do
I affect you like that?

- It's her.

- Hi, Clari, it's not like you to be late.

Come on, join the fun with us, come on.

(Abbot laughing)

You know, we should get
together more often, Clari.

I'm sure we'd get along just beautifully.

Actually, these green kids aren't my type.

I prefer experience.

In sexual matters, I mean.

- Stop it, I won't have it!

- You won't have it?

Why are you so uppity, Clarimonde?

Thought you used to like girls,

or am I not good enough for you?

If I recall your record you used to like

anything that moves!

Wait a minute!

Hey!

You know she hasn't got a single
vampire tooth in her head.

Not even one!

Get her!

- Yeah!
- Get her!

(crowd shouting)

(door banging)

- Oh my god.

- Nothing has happened to him

and nothing will happen to you.

Now change clothes with me quick.

- [Betty] But I don't understand.

- The only thing you can do
is listen to me and I'll help.

- But why are you helping?

Aren't you one of them?

- Yes, but you're family.

And he's some kind of lover.

Well, great grandma, just
how do you know that?

Well my child, don't forget,

seduction's my middle name.

- [Betty] Look, you stick with your group

and keep your hands off my man.

- Hmm.

As you wish.

Got to leave, I must
get back to the party.

They're expecting me.

- Thank you, great grandma.

- b*tch.

(crowd shouting)

- Why are you all leaving the party?

- Because you are the Baroness!

- Me?

- What, my friend you are
seeing things tonight.

You are getting out of line!

And I think you ought to be drummed

out of the association!

- But she ran out and cried help!

- Well, I did run out
because I mislaid my rose.

And if I yelled for help,

it was because of you, Miss Niessen.

I like to pick my own friends,

boyfriends and girlfriends,
according to my taste.

(snarling)

- Thank god I found you, Baroness.

Have you seen Larsen?

- Yes, he's somewhere about.

- Why are you wearing
this ridiculous attire?

It might have gotten you
into a lot of trouble.

Come, I'll take you to your car

then I must find Larsen.

- Whew!

You're always surprising me.

I'll find Joseph.

You stay here.

Stay here and I'll lock the door.

- [Betty] But John!

John, wait!

- You can thank your lucky stars

I found you just in time.

Now get in and you wait here.

I'll be right back.

That's it.

It's going to be very cold.

Now I'm going back to the castle

to rescue Mr. Larsen.

Thank heaven I found you.

We should be making our getaway.

- Did you stop the clock?

- Of course!

- It's almost five o'clock now.

Sunrise is at six.

Hmm, we'd better get going.

- Yes, I've already put
the Baroness in the car.

- Hello, Mr. Larsen!

Leaving already?

- Yes, the Baroness
isn't feeling too well.

- Could you give me a lift
as far as the monastery?

- I think we have room, don't we, Joseph?

Yes we do.

- Mr. Larsen, look.

It's Martin, he's trying
to delay the departures.

(snarling)

- Takes care of that. (spitting)

- But that's a great idea.

Martin!

Martin, come along,
there's room for all of us.

Come on, let's go.

- That's very nice, Mr. Larsen!

God! (laughing)

(bird chirping)

(car revving)

- Come on.

(Abbot laughing)

Straight ahead.

Help me get Martin out.

Drunken vampires, I've
seen everything now.

- [Martin] Nice party, eh fellas?

(mumbling)

(knocking)

- Open up!

(groaning)

Hey, are you all dead in there?

Open up, open up!

(Abbot laughing)

(monk gasping)

I'm very tired.

Too much ringing.

(snarling)

- Oh no you don't.

Come on.

Come on!

Come on, Joseph!

Betty's leaving in the car!

- [Martin] Hey, what you doin, fellas?

Bye!

(car revving)

- [John] Hey, Betty!

Now why in the devil did she do that?

- [Joseph] She was quite
angry with you, sir.

- [John] Come on, porter.

- Which one?

That's not my house.

Bah!

Hey what's the matter,
everybody dead around here?

(woman moaning)

- [Woman] Hey, where you going?

- [Pilot] Jeez.

- [Woman] What's the matter honey?

- [Pilot] I gotta get the chief!

(women giggling)

(Dracula laughing)

- Come on, Dracula.

Don't be shy.

(women giggling)

- Chief!

The sun's coming up!

- What?

The night has barely started.

- The clock in the tower stopped!

Come on!

- [Dracula] What?

I'm coming!

(crowd laughing)

- Stop, stop the music!

Everybody, the sun is coming up!

(crowd screaming)

- Hey chief, your pants are falling off!

- Damn the zipper!

Full speed ahead!

- Right, chief!

(crowd shouting)

(helicopter whirring)

- Hurry, little time left!

- Run for your lives!

- [Pilot] Come on, get in!

- [Dracula] Away!

(regal music)

- My sweet, sweet Betty, now a vampire.

Well if we have to do it,
let's get it over with.

- Yes Mr. Larsen, we have to do it.

It's the rules, you know, go on.

Go on!

Go on!

- I can't do it.

- What else can we do?

- This flawless body
must not fall into ashes.

(snapping) I've got it.

We'll ship her back home.

To Hollywood.

(wind whooshing)

(crows cawing)

In Hollywood, they will enshrine her

and love her forever.

- [Joseph] Oh Mr. Larsen,
what a fine man you are.

- [Announcer] Modern Air Europe

announcing final call for flight 347

nonstop to Los Angeles.

(speaks in foreign language)

(Joseph whimpering)

- [John] I understand
how you feel, Joseph.

- [Joseph] Yes, Mr. Larsen.

- [Announcer] Modern Air
Europe announcing final call

for flight 347 nonstop to Los Angeles.

(speaks in foreign language)

(somber music)

- Whoah!

You're supposed to be up!
- Clarimonde?

- What?
- You're not supposed

to be here.
- But I'm here.

- Are you, my god?
- Back to Hollywood.

- Oh what's happened?

- You're Betty.

- Right.
- You're Betty!

Betty!

Oh!

Oh, I love you!

- [Betty] I love you too.

(light music)

(plane whooshing)

(crowd cheering)

- A big movie star!

(crowd cheering)

(eerie music)

(light jazzy music)