c*ck vs Zombies (2012)

[bunniefuu]

Davvers! Davvers! Stop! Cut it!

Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!

What is it? Roman stuff?

Can't be Roman. They didn't have kings.
They had emperors and sh*t.

My mate was on a site last year,

said they found a load of Roman
coins that was worth tons.

It's not f*cking Roman, you muppet!(dummy)

It might have other stuff.

- Yeah, like what?
- Gold and stuff.

Ugh... Stinks down here.

- [FARTS] Does now.
- Argh... Davvers!

- Whoa...
- Bloody hell.

It's a graveyard.

It's a plague pit, more like!

We can't nick stuff from a graveyard.

- Can we?
- I don't care.

They dead already, ain't they?

What was that?

Probably just wind or summat.(something)

Jesus! Don't do that!

That was classic. Your face...

We better go...
tell the boss what we found.

What? What's the matter?
You scared of a few skeletons?

Wooah! Wooo! I'm a ghost. Wooooo!
God, you're such a p*nsy!

Piss off!

- Um, be... behind ja...
- Yeah, ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

- Like I'm gonna fall for that one.
- No, seriously. Mate! Behind ja!

Get it off me!

- You paid cash?
- Yeah

Used a false name?

Yes, just like you said.

Where the f*ck did you get it, mate?
A b*mb site?

Why can't we use our car anyway?

'Cause they'll trace it
back to us, won't they?

This is clean.

If this even starts at all.
Have you tried it?

No.

Okay, Andy, two problems here, uh...
One, it doesn't start.

And two, there's a dirty,
filthy, cummy sock... in there.

Say, let's see what happens.

Oh, yeah!

Come on, let's go and magic
us a full breakfast, yeah?

Look, I'm just saying,

I don't want the van to conk out on us
in the middle of a job, that's all.

Relax, we'll be fine.

Yeah, you say that 'cause
you're a jammy git.

If you fell off that
building right there,

and landed into a thin
bull full of sh*t,

you'd come out smelling of roses,
with three birds on your arms.

Yeah, that's 'cause I'm a g*y Jamaican.(?)
That's talent, ace.

A talent for getting us into trouble.

When have I ever got us into trouble?

Yeah, I'll take you all on! And so will
my f*cking brother! You dirty pikeys!(Gipseys)

You do not want to mess with
me and my f*cking brother!

- f*cking what?!
- Terry!

Yeah, well, they were asking for it.
I had to stick up for meself.

Look, all I'm saying is that you've
got to be really careful about...

Jesus Christ!

- All right, Mickey?
- Hello, mate.

Why wouldn't I be all right, huh?

You saying I'm some sorta
nutter or something?

No... just saying...

- He's joking.
- Your face...

So, we still on for 2 o'clock or what?

Yeah, that we are.
We are still on for 2 o'clock.

I mean, you've heard what happens
when people mess me about.

f*cking mug! You... f*cking mug!

We heard about that, yeah, yeah.

Good.

So, don't mess me about.

Beautiful motor this is, gents.

Oh, cheers, mate, yeah.
It's a nice one, yeah, yeah...

Top of the range, this is, right? Yeah.

RIGHT!

Be lucky, yeah?

Right.

He's just dented my
f*cking car with his head.

He's got a steel plate in there.
Iraq w*r injury.

Buried in there to remove part
of his brain or something.

The part that stops him from
being a f*cking psychopath?

"Be lucky".

Mate, he's the man for the job.

- Yeah, you sure?
- He's the man.

Eddie, I told you not to call
this number. It'll leave a record.

They're on to us.
I'll need to move the cash.

Can you get it ready?
I'll send someone over to pick it up.

What? All of it?
But there's two and a ha...

Listen! They're sending inspectors.
I want it all out the away.

You have the forms ready?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Davvers! Greg! Got a job for ya!

Davvers! Greg!
Where are you, you pair of t*ts?

Oi! Get the f*ck out of it!
You two-bob toe rags(low-life).

I told you! You come 'round here again,
I'm gonna slap the sh*t out of ya!

Well, now it's time to pay the piper.

Hey, listen, old man.
You behave yourself,

before me and my boys f*ck
you up, ja understand?

Leave it out, Ray.
You're driving away all my customers!

You're supposed to take your pills!
Not sell'em to these mugs!

Well, I've got to earn a crust, don't I?

Here you are, lads, gather 'round.

I've got it in here, look.
I've got sleeping pills...

Here they are, slower than the army!

All right, granddad?

Don't call me granddad!
I told you, it makes me sound old!

But you are old.

Yes? How's that for old, eh?

You're late again! The Macguire
genes must have passed youse two by.

Your mum and dad will be spinning in
their graves, God rest their souls.

Yeah, they were cremated though,
weren't they, granddad?

Don't give me none of your back-sass!

All right.

Now, come on! There's people in
there waiting for their dinners!

All right.

- Hello...
- All right, how're you doing?

It's high time youse
two got a proper job.

This is a proper job.

When I was 15, I lied about my age,
so's I could sign up,

and fight the f*ck' Nazis.

Argh! Come on you n*zi mugs!
Let's f*cking have it!

What are youse two fighting? Traffic?

We do okay.

Okay? Let me mark your card, sunshine.(correct you)

Delivering 'Meals on Wheels' to old-age
pensioners ain't a lifetime profession.

Look atcha! You're about as much use,
as an ashtray on a motorbike!

Leave 'em alone, Ray! They're doing
the best they can. Aren't you, boys?

Yes, Doreen.

Um, I was wondering,
my window, the catch keeps slipping,

and I was wondering if one of you
big, strong boys could come and...

ooh... force it open?

I think Andy is big and strong. He's up
for fixing a window, aren't you, Andy?

Oh, Andy. Dunno what I'd do without-cha!

Oh... See you later.

See you later, Doreen. Say "bye," Andy.

Bye, Doreen.

- Yeah, mate, mate,
- Mate, mate, mate...

you're gonna get lucky tonight,
I tell you what.

Bit of experience mate, that'll be, won't it?

Every time. Every f*cking time.

I know you're gonna be knocking
this place down in a few weeks time,

but do you feel the need to rub it in?

There's people here about to have
their dinner. You yuppie twat!

Look, I really need to get
these measurements, okay?

If you don't sling your
hook(leave) in 5 seconds time,

I'm gonna ram that f*cking
clipboard so far up your arris,(arse)

you're gonna have to shove your
pen up your nose to write on it!

- 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!
- All right... All right! All right!

There you go.

All right, Ray?
Is it okay if I sit with you?

You sit where you like, sweetheart.

So, where they sending you
when this place closes?

Oh, some place up north.
Bradford, I suppose.

Somewhere full of northern monkeys.

- It's nice up north.
- I wouldn't know.

I've never been further north
than Walthamstow dog track,

and that's far enough for me.

Do you want this one,
or do you want that one?

Oh, you take that one.
You help yourself.

Are you going to the concert today?

What else am I gonna
do while I'm in here?

Sit around, waiting for the
Grim Reaper to come, and...

put us all out of our misery?

Got any fillet steak?

Just what you see, mate.

Mate? Are you being disrespectful, son?

No, Darryl.

Mr. Cooper is what you call me.

You want to be careful what you say,
I could have you k*lled.

All your gangster mates are dead.
How're you gonna get someone k*lled?

Advertise in 'Exchange and Mart'?

I could have you done and all.
I know people, I do.

But go on, hurry up! Me stomach thinks
me "apples and pears" being cut.

Your "stairs" are being cut?

No, me "apples and pears"; me "throat".

"Apples and pears" means "stairs".

Take no notice of him,
he gets everything boxed up.

Apples and pears; cares.
Cares and woes; nose.

Nose in me boat
(boat=boat race=face);
throat.

Don't you talk English?

Makes sense to me, Eric. There you are.

They don't get better than never.

Lunch, Hamish.

- Come on!
- Oh, all right.

I'd rather have a nap...

- with you.
- Oi! You cheeky bugger.

Yeah, I wouldn't worry.

They're gonna tear the place
down in a couple of weeks.

Yeah. Okay. Speak to them. Bye.

You really think we can do this?

Ain't got a choice, mate.
I mean, look at this idiot.

We don't do anything, this guy is
gonna knock down granddad's care home.

What would mum and dad have done?

Life's gonna throw a lot at you, 'cause
of who you are, where you're from.

See, some people don't respect us,
the working class.

Don't you dare, ever,
let anyone put you down, all right?

You can be anything you want,

long as you work hard,
stick together as a family.

Always stand up for what's right, yeah?

Now, look, we've gotta
pop out for a minute,

so you two behave yourselves, all right?

Here you go.

- You ready, Shirl?
- Ready.

Come on, you f*cking pigs!

Come on! You'll never take us alive!

Probably not the best role models
for the current situation, Andrew.

I think they'd be all right with it.

An East London building
site has been shut down,

after several workers were
injured, earlier today.

Police have not revealed
the details of the accident,

but a Department of
Health spokesperson...

Right, let's get the van
and pick up the others.

I think maybe we should have picked
something easier than a bank.

Nah, we'll be fine.
Davey will look after us.

You getting in, then?

Yeah, yeah, just keeping a low profile.

We ain't done anything yet, mate.

Yeah, well, it's just,
tricks of the trade and all that.

All right, now, my guy on the inside,

he said that they were
upgrading their security.

So, today, there's no security shots.
But the alarms are on and they all work.

Did you get the outfits?

Yeah, blagged(stole) them
from the building site.

Sweet.

You're late, as usual.

Yeah, nice to see you too.

- All right, Kate?
- Katy, not Kate, Katy.

- All right, Kate Grand lives on.
- Oh...

Excuse me for expecting someone in my
own family to remember my f*cking name.

- They let you out then?
- Yeah.
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:52,917
Lost your virginity, yet?

Davey Tuppence? You having a laugh?

He's our expert.

Expert?
What sort of an expert gets caught?

Now, you've got to be really
tough to do this sort of work.

- Really?
- Yeah, double tough.

Do you, uh, wanna see some of my scars?

- Yeah, yeah, I'd love to.
- Of course you do, babe.

Oh, bollocks.

It's the best we can do at
short notice, all right?

You said, it'll just be the three of us.
In and out, no complications.

Yes, no complications.

But, we need as much help as possible
to make sure things go smoothly.

That's why I'm here.

- Which one is Mickey's?
- Mental Mickey?

Oh, this just gets better and better.

He's the only person that we knew
that had access to g*ns, all right?

You said no sh**ting.
We can't afford to get caught with g*ns.

They're just for show. All right?

He' not mental. He's just got a few...
anger management issues, that's all.

Issues? He's a f*cking psycho!

I heard he pulled a geezer's
spine out and wore it as a belt.

Great, I feel much better now.

All right, mate.

Here he comes.

Oi! Princess, move.

See you brought me a bird, then?

Who the f*ck you calling
a bird, you prick?!

f*ck you calling a prick, you shitter?

- Whoa! Easy... easy...
- Katy is our cousin. She's a locksmith.

And this is Davey Tuppence.

Yeah, I've heard of him.

Got a bit of a reputation, don't I?

I heard you're a bit of a muppet, bruv(bro).

It's a good job I'm sorting
out of shaving his head.
00:18:49,275 --> 00:18:52,000
Gimme your opinion about these.

Ah, beautiful.

Now this... is my baby.

It's a Remington 870 Express
12-gauge pump-action shotgun...

with a tactical p*stol grip.

Takes eight 3-inch magnum shells.

Her name's Tracy.

She's pretty.

f*cking hell.

Now, let's go f*ck up
some f*ck, yeah?

Ooh, there's something funny
going on at the building site.

Katy, don't look at me
like that, for f*ck's sake.

Yes, I should have told you
about the g*ns, all right?

But I'll drop you off, if you want.

No chance. I ain't leaving you
two alone with these divs.

Someone's got to keep you alive.

sh*t!

Rats.

Lots of rats.

I wonder where they're going.

Down a pub for a pint.
Who gives a f*ck? Just drive through.

Mate, they're just gonna clog up
the wheels. There's no point.

We've got plenty of time, all right?
Now, listen,

you do know what you're doing, yeah?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Right, perfect, listen to this.
This is the most important part, Mickey.

No sh**ting.

If it takes longer than 3 minutes,
then we just get out of there.

Shouldn't we be wearing disguises?

Aha!.. Sorted! Right?

- What's that?
- Well, it's a moustache.

I can see it's a f*cking moustache.
Are you expecting me to wear one?

Well, why not?

Put your glasses on, pull your hat down.
No one will know the difference.

I've got t*ts, you teat!

Well, no offense, they're not... that
big, so, it'll probably be all right.

Last chance to call it off.

Nah, come on, let's go.

Now, when we get in there,
I'll make the announcement, right?

And then, you'll make as much
f*cking noise as possible, you know.

Really put a frightness on.

Yeah, that's music to my ears, Tuppence.

Come on.

You need your own deposit slips.
It's bank policy.

Look, I just... You know me.
You know my account.

Why're you making this difficult, Clive?

I wish I could help,
but my hands are tied.

I suggest you go back to your...
bedsit, r*fle through your drawers...

How dare you? How dare you?

Come on, Davey, say something.

Let's just f*cking sh**t everyone.

Let's start with you, eh?

Are you here for the money, then?

Yes, we are here about the money, um...

And we don't want any
trouble, all right?

Oh, no, no, it's no trouble at all.
I assure you.

Would you like to come this way?

- What's going on?
- I have no f*cking idea.

I wasn't expecting so many of you,
but, um, a couple of you can sit down.

Now, if I could just see your forms,
we can get you that money.

- Forms?
- The C114 and 27B/6.

You are from Heartman
Construction, aren't you?

Yep.

Right, it's just that Eddie
said you'd have the forms.

He said he'd bring them later.

Okay, well, I can't release
the money without the forms.

All right, stop the Lilly Law, will ya?

We ain't got your
f*cking forms, all right?

But, I've got this, you soppy* b*tch.
Now, where's the f*cking money?
*(moist w/vaginal emissions)

I'll give you the money,
just please don't hurt me.

- Get up!
- Not you, Davey.

Look for about ten grey security bags,

should be a couple of hundred
grand in there easy.

Move.

Right, so, if we take two
bags each, then, uh...

What's all this?

Two and a half million. All of Heartman
Construction's payroll and profit.

- f*ck me.
- Granddad's gonna k*ll us.

That's too much.
Old Bill will never stop chasing us.

Too much? You having a f*cking
jill-off? (masturbate)
We can retire right now.

Retire? You don't even
have a f*cking job.

This is my f*cking job!

I mean... we're here, you know,
might as well take it.

Let's do it.

Andy.

Jesus!

We're gonna go down in history.
Easiest armed robbery ever.

Drop your weapons,
and get down on the ground!

On the ground! Now!

Come on, you f*cking sluts!

Get down!

Stop sh**ting, Mickey!

They were gonna f*cking nick us, right!
We ain't got time for a p*ssy fallback!

Can't we just say, it was a mistake and
we didn't mean it. No hard feelings.

Well, it doesn't f*cking work
like that, does it, Andy?!

Ain't there a back door?!

sh*t, we're trapped.

No, we ain't marked off yet.

Everybody, get down! This is a robbery!

Shut up!

Fill up them security bags,
before I blow your f*cking head off!

You want more?! There's two and
a half million quid outside!

This is easier to carry.
We gotta run now!

- Terry.
- What?! Mickey! what?!

I'm gonna get us out of here!

f*cking hell, mate!
I don't f*cking think so!

You lost you f*cking marbles?
Give that back!

f*ck off, mate! You let this off,
we're all f*cking dead!

Just back off and let
me think for a second!

Come out with your hands on your head,
and you won't be harmed!

Suck my f*cking chocolate d*ck!

f*cking hell!

Are you all right? Oh, my God!

What's going on?

Everybody out the front door!
Everybody out!

What are you doing?!

Outside! Outside!

Have some of this, twinkle toes.

Peggy! Peggy! Come on!

Tuppence, you're the expert,
go and have a look.

I'm not looking. You look.

- Andy, go and have a look.
- What?

I can't see through this glass, mate.

Out of the way, wankers, move.
I'll sort this out.

Ow! Ow! Get off me, you big dickbag!

Don't try any funny sh*t.

What the f*ck are you doing?!
We're not taking any hostages!

No, it's a bad idea.

Maybe you ain't,

- but I am. Up!
- Oh, no.

I'm no use as a hostage.
I have a heart condition.

I can drop dead if I get stressed.

Stay calm then, you muppet.

Right! We're coming out!
And we've got hostages! Move!

Might as well follow him now.

1, 2, 3, wait, 4!

And that can f*ck right off!

- Mickey!
- What's going on?

- Zombies.
- Are you sure?

Pretty sure.

He's eating a foot!

It's f*cking disgusting.

f*ck this. All right, grab the money.
Grab the money!

All right, let's get into the van!

Andy, come on, hurry up!
Put the bags in the back!

Come on.

Please! Don't leave me
here with these things!

- Andy, get in the van!
- Andy, get in here!

What're you doing?!
Jesus f*cking Christ!

I couldn't just
leave her, could I?!

- Drive!
- I can't start the f*cking van!

Unbelievable.

How are you?

She's dead!

What's going on?! What's going on?!

- She's dead!
- f*cking get rid of her then!

Hands off me, you mental b*tch!

Mental, do something!

Say "hello" to Tracy, you shitbag!

Yes!

Sorry, Terry, I put her in.
That's my bad.

Mickey, don't ever fire
that g*n indoors again!

You see that, Tuppence?! Told you, mate!
Nobody messes with my Tracy. Mwah.

What the f*ck was that?!

Why didn't you check to make sure
they didn't put a dye pack in?

What's a dye pack?!

The thing that just exploded.
That's a dye pack!

Calm down! We'll be there in a minute!

Let's lock the bleeding doors!

Where do we go now? Upstairs?

- No, we'll be f*cked, up there! Um...
- Oh... Where?

- Back door!
- Back door, right.

Come on, let's go.

We can't go that way either.

Peggy, kick him.

The b*stards are everywhere.

Eric, shut that door!
Darryl, drum those shut!

Doreen, lock that back door!
Close everything!

All right, Tuppence, here you go.
Close the gate. Go on, son.

All right, Andy, Katy, grab the bags!
You two muppets, in there!

Aah! I've got a g*n.

A little slow.

Is that as fast as they go?

I thought they run really quick.

Mate, they're dead. They're not
exactly gonna sprint, are they?

Fine, come on then, you f*cking muppet!

Oh yeah, hard guy, are ya?
Have some of this then, you prick!

That's how you do it.

Owww! He f*cking bit me!

You've gotta get them in the head.

Shut up. How'd you even know that?

Everyone knows that.

Come here.

Is that even actually possible?

You've pulled my f*cking skin off.

Can't exactly leave it there, can ya?

- Oh...
- What? Whoa, there's another one!

What the f*ck?

- Oh!
- Oh, rot!

Come here, little fella.

Easy, mate, come on.

Is it all right? Awww...

Oi! You little sh*t.

No, too much! Too f*cking
much in one day, surely!

Never liked kids anyway.

Okay, get in!

Right, Andy, Tuppence,
put the bags there and there!

Katy! Get on the phone and try and
get a hold of anyone, all right?

- Get in the chair!
- Sit down.

Don't move.

Mickey, you all right, mate?
Your arm looks a little bit dodgy.

Yeah, bruv. f*cking good as gold, bruv.

So, no sh**ting and no hostages.
Job well done, boys.

Don't blame me, trick, oh yeah?!
The pigs come! I improvised!

- And f*cked your ear, eh?
- Easy.

- f*ck you.
- Relax.

So... shall we jump in
the car and head off then?

No, no, no, we can't just go running off
until we know exactly what's happened,

all right? This...
wasn't exactly part of the plan.

Nothing... sh*t reception.
Worse than New Year's eve.

- sh*t!
- Have you tried the radio?

- What?
- The radio.

We ain't got a radio.

Yeah, you have a radio in the van.

No, she's right.
You was listening to Dido.

Yeah, all right,
I'll go check it out, um...

- I'll come with ya.
- Yeah.

You, keep an eye on them.
Watch Mr. Bean, all right?

Mental's been bitten. He's gonna
turn into one of those things.

Yeah, he's still alive though.

Doesn't matter. His arm's
going grey. He's gonna turn.

He's a f*cking liability.

- What're you saying?
- He needs to be shot.

f*cking hell, Katy!
You're a bit eager to sh**t people.

Look, I don't want to sh**t people,

but I'll happily sh**t
somebody who's already dead.

He's not f*cking dead!

Fine! Don't say I didn't
warn you when he turns.

This is an emergency broadcast.

There is a viral infection concentrated
on the East End of London,

and spreading fast through the capital.

The army have sealed off the East
End to try and contain the virus...

- What are you up to later?
- What?

Well, you fancy maybe coming to
get a drink with me or something.

Are you out of your mind?
You just kidnapped me.

You threatened me with g*ns.
You've put me in danger.

Yeah, sorry about that. I mean some
girls are into that sort of thing.

Not you, obviously. Uh, I just mean...

- Some girls.
- No!

- Davey, probably not.
- Sorry.

Cheers, mate.

I'm keeping track of all this,
so I can write a report for the police.

I'm memorising your faces.

Put a sock in it, you little cretin!

Hey, I'm doing this for
your benefit too, you know?

Why don't we just let them go.

Shut it, Davey!

Davey, is that your name? Right.
I made a note of that.

Oh, great. Thanks, Mickey.

Mickey. Right. Another name.

Remembering everything,
are ya?

Yes, every tiny detail.

Well, don't forget this then.
Keep your f*cking airhole shut!

- Well, what is it?
- Yeah, zombies.

Shitloads of 'em.

Yeah, some kind of
mutated virus or something.

I dunno when it started,
but it's spreading fast.

Maybe... it's something in the water.

- Christ, Andy!
- It's not f*cking water.

They're gonna seal off the East
End to see if they can contain it.

Told everyone to just stay indoors.

Yes, and whatever you do, do not
let 'em f*cking bite you, all right?

That's where it starts.

We've got a problem.

We've come this far 'cause we've got
g*ns and we're strong, all right?

But what about granddad?

He can handle anything.
He was in the w*r.

I know that, mate. But this is a little
bit different. You know what I mean?

I think... I think even granddad's
gonna have a tough time with this one.

We have to go there. Keep him
safe till all of this get sorted.

Yep.

Okay, they can't get in.
But, we can't get out.

Now, we just gonna have to stay here,
until we figure summat.

Or the b*stards bash
the bloody doors down.

Don't say that.
We'll work something out.

Look, what the bloody hell are they?

It's obvious, innit? They're vampires!

Then what we need is crucifixes, silver,

garlic, holy water, and Chrisopher Lee.

Oh, shut up! You soppy tart. Those
things out there... are f*cking zombies!

It's probably not as bad as it looks.

I think it probably is, mate.

We are going to be all
right, aren't we, Ray?

Yeah, of course we are, sweetheart.

Listen. If one of 'em bites me,
you will sort me out, won't you?

Yeah, I'll promise, really.
But, uh... it won't come to that.

Thanks, Ray.

Same goes for me.
If one of them f*ck bites me...

you finish me off.

You joking?
I'll k*ll you stone f*cking dead.

Eh?

We're in enough trouble without you
turning into one of them as well.

Yeah.

Don't worry about it.
Just a little scratch.

Won't k*ll me, bruv.

Honestly, Mickey.
Maybe you need to get to a hospital.

Maybe you should shut your
f*cking mouth. How about that?

Please, we've done everything you
asked us. You don't need us any more.

She's right. We should let them go.

f*ck off!
We just half-inched(pinched)
2 million quid.

As soon as we let them go,
they'll snitch on us.

Oh, no, we won't say a word.

I will. I'll tell 'em everything.

Jesus, Clive! Shut up! Christ!

Fine, just me then. I won't say a word.

Look, the world is
clearly going to sh*t.

Do you think I care about
your poxy little robbery?

My sister's ill, I need
to check up on her.

I don't expect you lot to understand.

You clearly don't care about
anything other than yourselves.

Why'd you say that for?
Have we said anything nasty to you?

You kidnapped me!

Do you know why we're doing this?

No, and I don't care.

They're closing down our
granddad's old people's home.

He's lived in the East End all his life.

We're doing this so he can
stay here with his friends.

I, uh... All I just need
is to clear me debts.

Lost all me rent money on a racehorse.

What? I thought we were sharing.

I know it's hard to believe. But we've
actually never robbed anything before.

Huh, no sh*t.

When we was young,
our mum and dad died and...

granddad raised us so...
you know... we owe him.

Why didn't you just save up?

We did, for six months.

And then someone broke into
our flat and nicked it.

You think that's funny, do ya?

It's pathetic.

Sorry to break up you
lot's f*cking little orgy.

You're getting too pally
pally for my liking.

You are telling them too much about us.

All right, Andy, I want you to light up
the car, all right? What you doing?

- Gimme my keys.
- Nah.

Gimme my f*cking keys!

Think I'll hang on to these, in case
you try to run off with my money.

But it's not that I
don't trust you, Ter.

It's that I don't f*cking trust you.

Yeah, think Imma shove him over there.

Don't make us go with him.

- Get up now!
- I'm up, I'm up.

- Guys, come on.
- Move!

- Moving.
- Take it easy.

You can't just let him take 'em.

What the f*ck are we gonna do?

He ain't got much longer,
you know that, right?

He's f*cking lost his mind.

So what are we gonna do?
He's gonna turn any minute, right?

Wait.

In there.

f*cking mag mug!(vomitous)

- Now, get in.
- Yup, okay.

You should be safe in there now...
probably...

I can't believe they got Hamish.
He's only 83.

Oh, I'm so glad I didn't see it.

Did anyone actually see Hamish
in the room when it happened?

He went out in the garden
to have a kip (nap), but
I never saw him come back in.

f*ck! He must have
slept right through it.

There's zombies everywhere.

Yeah, but they ain't bite him yet.

Hamish! Wake up!

Wake up! You silly old f*ck!

What are you all doing in there?

Don't talk, they'll hear you.

I'm sorry, I... I can't hear.
You'll have to speak up!

Shut up! Come to the back door.
We'll let you in.

Pardon?

There's zombies everywhere. Come to
the back door, and we'll let you in.

Run! Now!

Oh, it doesnt' work. I can't hear you.

You'll have to... hold on.
I'll... I'll come over there.

He's Mutt 'n Jeff,
deaf as a f*cking post!

He'd move a bit quicker
if it was dinner time.

Hamish, there's a zombie right
behind you! Move! Right now!

Zombie, eh? Zombie?
What are you going on about?

Oh, my, oh. Oh, it's a zombie, oh.

RUUUUUN!

Why're you going so fast? Ey-oh!

f*ck!

Zombies, oh, no, oh, oh, oh, eh, eh.

You don't look very well.

- Me?
- No, Clive. Him.

Why don't I come over
there and untie you.

I'll show you how f*cking well I am.

Look, I'm serious, um...

Why don't you untie us, and...
and we'll take you to a hospital, huh?

Ain't going nowhere.

I said I'm fine.

Get it out of it!

He's not gonna make it.

We've got to help him, somehow.

Summat's gotta be done!
I'm gonna go and get him!

Eric, gonna have to
borrow your wheels, mate.

Oh, be careful! You're gonna break
me "trouble-and-strife" (wife)!

Shall I come with you?

Peggy, youse guys kick the back
door clear. I'll bring him back in.

Come on, Eric.

Take care of this one, Peggy!

Hamish!

And you can f*ck off and all.

Hamish, get in.

Bring your friend with ya.

- Yeah, I'll cover you from here.
- Come with me, mate.

- I'll cover you from here.
- Andy?

- Take your time, mate.
- Sorry, mate.

I've been waiting for bloody...

f*ck! Get off! Get off!

Here, I'll sh**t it! I'll sh**t it!

Terry! Quick!

You all right, mate? Did he bite ya?

No, mate, I swear to ya.

All right, let's close this.

Oh, great, another one.

f*cking hell, that is mingin'.

Use your g*n.

Nah, I'm gonna take a g*n in it's face.

Might be just better to sh**t it.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

How'd you f*cking turn it on?!

Safety catch!

- Where?!
- Oh, for f*ck's sake, there!

- Otherwise it ain't gonna work.
- Thanks.

Can you get free, Clive?

- No, it's too tight.
- Oh, great.

Hang on, I can get loose.

Oh, oh, great, let me see, let me see.

- I'm doing a knot.
- Twizzle, twizzle.

Let me have a look. Let me have a look.

- Oh, that's it, that's it.
- Chew the knot.

Oh, okay, let me try and bite it.

- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
- Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

- Okay, a little bit to the left.
- Yeah.

Oh... you can do it. You can do...

Oh, sh*t! He's turned! Oh, sh*t!

Uh... Clive...

- Help us! For God's sake!
- Help!

Oh, f*ck. The hostages.

Quick! Get back in here!

We're tied up, you f*cking idiots!

Right, in that case, Tuppence, block
that door. You two, come with me.

- Right! Untie 'em!
- He's turned! sh**t him!

Right, you're with me, sunshine!
Come here!

Sit down!

- sh**t him!
- I did!

sh**t him again then!

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
There's a metal plate in his head!

Well, think of something else!

Grab it! Grab it!

Right, you can have this back, mate!

Go on! Go on!

Sorry, mate. Go on!

- Ter! You all right?
- Yeah.

I am! I blocked the window.
They can't get through.

Great.

Oh, bollocks!

Get back! Put your hands up!

Oh, leave it out, mate.

Shut up! I'm in charge now.
And we're all going to the police.

Don't be stupid.
We've got bigger problems now.

I don't care!
They're all going to prison!

Mate, you might want to turn around.

There's a couple of zombies
creeping up behind ya.

Oh, really? Do you...
honestly think I'm that stupid?

Well... yeah.

Davey!

Please! Get it off me!
I have a heart condition!

sh*t!

You're all right, mate.
We'll get you to a hospital.

- This way!
- Clive!

I'm f*cked up, admit it.

No, no, don't be daft. You're good as
gold, mate. Good as gold. Good as gold.

Was it... Was it all right
the way we did the robbery?

Yeah, no, yeah, yeah, no, textbook.

At least... At least, it looks that way.

Yeah, mate. As soon as we get all this
sorted, we'll be down at a pub, mate.

We'll be alright, innit?

Davey...

Davey...

I'm sorry, Andy.

He's gone.

We're going to the old folks' home now.

We're gonna save granddad
and his pals, all right?

Sweetheart.

Go on, take it. Go on.

Now, you can either come with us, or we
can drop you off on the way, all right?

Well, my sister's in Marland.
Could you get me there?

All right.

Rest in peace, Tuppence.

Giddy up.

Piss off!

We'll be okay, Ray. We'll make it.

Yeah, no thanks to me. Look at me,
I'm bloody useless. I can't do anything.

Oh, don't, Ray. You've got to see it.
You rescued Hamish.

We wouldn't have been here but for you.

I didn't rescue Hamish. I just got him
stuck in here with the rest of us.

And now we're surrounded on all sides!

If these f*cking things get in!...

Then we'll give 'em as good as we get!

I've got the one with the specs.

Hey! No! No! Easy, easy,
take this, take this, all right?

- Get in the car!
- I'm coming. I'm coming.

Mental's got the f*cking keys! sh*t!

I'll go get 'em.

- No, Andy, you don't need to!
- Andy, don't! It's too dangerous!

I'll be fine!

Hello... Uh... Okay...

Eww... Go away... You q*eer thing.

- You all right?
- Yeah...

What are you doing here?

Saving your arse as per f*cking usual,
mate. D'you think I'm gonna let you die?

Oh, piss off, you muppets! I'll take you
all on and so will my f*cking brother!

f*cking stop saying that. Come on.

You better take to save your b*ll*ts.

Yeah, but you've already
done a few, mate.

It's not a competition, Andy!

You can't just go running
in there on your own, bruv.

Well, it worked out fine, didn't it?

Yeah, this time, eh?

- f*ck off.
- f*ck off!

Ta-da! We've got the keys.

I don't need keys.

That's why you brought
me along, remember?

Oi! Get off my car! It's a 5 series!

What are we gonna do?
They're gonna break in.

Well, lets get tooled up,

open the doors and take some
of these b*stards down with us!

Are you seriously suggesting
that we let 'em all in,

and fight 'em off with a few packs of
corn flakes, and a dodgy egg whisk?

Yeah! And this.

Yeah, but there's only one of them, and
there's a lot of Trafalgars out there!

Eric, Eric, what is a Trafalgar?

Trafalgar is a zombie.
It's rhyming slang innit?

How is it?

Well, Trafalgar Square; fox and hare;
hairy Greek; five-day week;

weak and feeble; pins and needles;
needle and stitch; Abercrombie and Fitch

Abercrombie... Zombie!

- Innit?
- Oh, Lord.

All right, well, how about it?

Why don't we go out there and face them?
Go down fighting? What do you think?

But, somebody might come.
Somebody might rescue us.

Nobody cares. We're on our own.

We're old-age pensioners!
We gotta take care of ourselves!

Looks like we already
sealed off the East End.

We'll be fine.

So, this is how it will end, eh?
The army?

Yeah, 'course they will...
Yeah, maybe.

Maybe.

Wait! Be careful! sh*t!

Everyone's been evacuated
to the Hinzman RAF base.

- So if she's alive, she'll be there.
- Right.

- I'll check inside.
- Wait, I'll go with ya.

- Going in?
- Yeah.

Jen.

Maybe she got out okay.

Okay.

- You ready?
- Yeah.

Jen. Oh, no.

Look, let me take care of it.

No, no, um, they might find a cure, so...

Well? Did you find her?

- Uh, no, no, she wasn't, um...
- She, uh, she wasn't there, mate.

She wasn't there.

- f*ck!
- What?

Leprechauns! What do you think?

Can't believe this. Even when they're
zombies, they can't stand each other.

This is just the
weirdest day of my life.

Quick.

Hit the road, Ter.

It's pointless.

If they've already taken over this area,

they're bound to have gotten
to the old folks' home by now.

You can't give up.

If we're hunky-dory, so will granddad.

Oh, yeah?!

And where is that gonna happen exactly,
Andy? Lucky f*cking Andy world?!

Grow up! This place is going to sh*t!

Can we just go?

I can't do this.

Yes, you can. Of course, you can.

You know, I would've died about ten
times today if it wasn't for you.

I'm only lucky 'cause you're
always there to sort me out.

We can do this... together.

Yeah, you... you helped me get to my
sister's house, just like you promised.

The least I can do is help
you get to your granddad.

I mean, we haven't even got
any b*ll*ts left. How...

We're gonna pass Mental's
lock-up, don't we?

Yeah, I guess so.

His lock-up, where all his g*ns are.

What in ...!

f*ck me!

Right.

- Right, Ter, tool up!
- What about this?

How about something a little
easier to handle, eh, Andy?

- Fair enough.
- Come on then.

- Put that in.
- b*ll*ts.

Sick.

Nice.

Go! Go! Come on!

Guys... Are you sure we've got enough?

Yes, come on.

- sh*t!
- What?

The old folks. We're never gonna
fit 'em all in the car! sh*t!

We need another van.

- Katy.
- Yeah.

- Can you hot-wire anything?
- 'Course. Why?

f*cking hell! Ha ha ha! Yes! Hah! Wooo!

- Why have we stopped?
- There's a red light.

There's no other f*cking
traffic, you plum.

Just drive!

Just be a rebel for once in
your life, Terrence, please.

Well, for f*ck's sake!
Excuse me for obeying highway code!

Get off our bus, you f*cking mug!

No ticket.

- Sorry.
- It's okay.

Yep, all right.

Look, they might be alright.

They probably locked themselves
in the basement or sumthink.

I don't think there is a basement, mate.

We need to make a diversion.

Well, leave that to me.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah. Okay.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- There's loads... There's loads...

Now, take this, if we're
longer than ten minutes...

- Then f*cking wait longer.
- Will do.

Hey, guys! Come here, you big losers!

Woo-oo! Come on!

Go, go, go, go!

Let's go!

Come on! Over here!

There are too many of 'em.
Ain't there a safer way in?

Skylight.

- Yeah, go, go, go!
- Okay.

- I'll do it.
- Right, work your magic, girl.

- You see out?
- No.

- Think you got twisted, luv.
- Yeah, f*ck off.

Done.

Careful.

Go f*ck yourselves, you zombie b*stards!

Jesus Christ!

Terry, what are you doing here?

We came to to save you, then you try
and use my face as a chopping board.

Well, I thought you was a
f*cking zombie, didn't I?

Hello, sweetheart. Well, they
dragged you along with them too?

I volunteered.

Yeah, all right. Let's get reacquainted
later. We need all of youse...

to climb up here so we can go down
the fire escape. All right, let's go.

You're having a
"tin bath" (laugh), aintcha?

Eric is a "Raspberry Ripple" (cr*pple),
Darryl's got his bad leg,

and Hamish is on his
third hip replacement.

Okay, is there anyone down there
that has not had a hip replacement?

I ain't. Now come down here,
and we'll talk about it.

All right.

- Oh, Andy! Andy!
- All right, Doreen?

All right, all right.
Where do we go from here?

- Out the front door.
- Yep.

Oh, f*ck's sake, we've
been saved, everyone.

Laurel and f*cking Hardy
here's come to rescue us.

You haven't seen out in the lawn yet.
There's hundreds of zombies out there.

Well, outside we've got
a double-decker bus.

so if we can all get there,
we're laughing, all right?

Yeah, well, we got a knife,
we got a few forks,

and a f*cking Alligator
Lopper over there.

And... we got this.

Boys, boys, now you're
talking my language.

Right, who wants this?

U*i 9 millimetre.

Remember, finger off the trigger,
till you're ready to sh**t.

- Thank you, thank you very much.
- No problem.

Peggy, would you fancy something
like this? I mean, is it...

Wow!

All right, so you know
what to do with this, yeah?

Of course I do.

- Sorry.
- Just be f*cking careful, will ya?

- Eric!
- Sorry.

And voila, I call her "The b*tch".

- You ready?
- Yep.

Let's do this.

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

You gotta sh**t them in the head.

- We know where to f*cking sh**t 'em!
- All right.

That was it?!

Oh, well d... Marvellous!

Darryl, where're you going?
What're you doing? Come on.

Ey! Ey, look!

Wrong leg, silly b*llet.

b*stard! Had enough, have ya?

Yeah, well, I think he's dead. Come on.

- Could I put me leg on?
- All right.

Hello, Natasha.

Sorry, lover.
I don't really fancy you anymore.

- That was really sad.
- Yeah.

Push me, somebody.
This b*stard is mine.

I've got your back, bro!

Eat lead, zombie!

Come on.

"Gordon Bennett" (gorblimey)!
There's tons of the b*stards.

- Yes! Yes!
- I'm coming!

Now, you're gonna get it!

Come and get the door, boy.

Your time has come, mister. Yeah!

Come on, Doreen. Get in.

God! They are just... unbelievable!

Here you go, Hamish.

Go! Go! Go! Get in the bus!
Get in the bus!

Andy, do we need all these bags?
What, are these g*ns too?

Hello. Are you a friend of the boys?

Oh, um, I'm Emma. Um, no, I just met the
boys at the robbery this morning, so...

Robbery?

Funny story, actually. Um, we found out
that the care home is closing down,

and, you know, we...
we didn't want you to go up north...

And?

Well, we wanted to look after you so...

we sort of, uhm... robbed the bank.

You robbed the bank?!

After all I've tried to teach
you about working for a living?

After what happened to your mum
and dad, God rest their souls?

How much did you get?

Two and a half million.

Well, that was really stupid.

Two and a half million.

It was irresponsible and wrong. But you
definitely got the Maguire genes in you.

You're not angry?

Look, you risked prison to make sure
me and this lot were taken care of.

You risked your lives
to come and save us.

I'm impressed.

Cheers.

But if you ever do it again,

I shall knock seven shades
of sh*t out of the pair of ya!

We won't, granddad.

And don't f*cking call me granddad!

Terry, come on! Get your toe down!
Let's get out of here!

f*ck! I broke the gearbox.

Jesus Christ! I take it back!
You're a pair of idiots!

We're near the river.
Maybe you can find a boat.

Good idea! Let's get to the docks.

Go! Go! Go!

You can't have some at all!

- Come on, Hamish!
- Oh, for f*ck's sake!

Doing well... Doing brilliant...

Keep up!

Go! Get on the boat!

Hamish, come on, mate, hurry!

Not much further.

f*cking die!

Come on, Hamish!

Just got to get over there, okay?

- Get the boat started!
- Take the bag!

Hamish, you're nearly there, bruv!

Where's the key?

Come on, Hamish, sprint!
Stay!... Down!

Come on, Hammy.

- You all right, guys?
- Yes, come on!

Get on the boat! Get on the boat!

Oh, there it is!

We can't go! We're still chained!

f*ck.

Oh, f*cking hell! You want summink
done, do it your f*cking self!

Youse two! Look after Katy... and Peggy!

And get a f*cking job, or I'll
come back and f*cking haunt ya!

- What're you doing?!
- Granddad!

- Granddad!
- Go, granddad!

- Granddad!
- Granddad!

Go away! f*ck off!

- f*ck off! f*ck off!
- Don't f*cking sh**t him!

You're free! You're free! You're free!

Right.

- Andy!
- Andy!

Oi! I'll take the f*cking lot of ya!

And so will his brother!

And so will their cousin!

This is for our granddad, you shits!

Come on!

I told you not to call me granddad!

Come on!

- Katy, I'm out!
- Here!

Katy!

Oh, for f*ck's sake! Not you again?

Oh, Ray!

Oh, that's disgusting.

All right, granddad.
All right, that'll do.

- Oh, Andy. Oh, my baby. Oh...
- Oh, cheers. Cheers, Doreen, yeah.

Do you think they will sort this out?

They can't just leave it. I mean, we
grew up here. It's part of our history.

East End's been through far worse, Katy.

It'll bounce back. Always has.

You know why? 'Cause we're strong.

Well said! And if it comes to it,
I shall round up every nutter,

from Bermondsey to Canning Town,

and we'll f*cking sort this out,
the way we have done for centuries,

through the ages.

We will look them in the eye.
We'll face them square on.

We'll fight them, and we'll win.
We shall prevail!

Hurray! Yeah!

Oi! Zombies!

Get the f*ck out of my East End!