Corona Zombies (2020)

[bunniefuu]

Ugh.

[bags rustling]

Ooh.

Hey Kendra, what's up?

[Kendra] Barbie, I've
been trying to get ahold

of you all morning.

Where were you?

At the store.

The place was a full-on crazy house.

They were out of like, everything.

Sanitizer, disinfectant wipes, bleach.

Ugh.

Not a good time to be a germophobe.

[Kendra] Damn straight.

Girl, this chick straight
up tried to karate chop me

for the last pack of toilet paper.

I was like, if you need it
that bad, take it, hooker.

[Kendra] Barbie.

You need to turn on the news.

News?

Ooze.

[Kendra] Just try it for once.

Mmm.

[Man On TV] Symptoms of
the Coronavirus include

sore throat, headaches, fever, dry cough,

shortness of breath and fatigue.

Coronavirus?

Is it a holiday?

[Kendra] Holiday?

Yeah, why is everybody drinking beer?

[Man On TV] The Coronavirus or COVID-19

is an unprecedented and deadly strain

originating in Wuhan, China.

Wuhan?

But I love that rap group.

[Man On TV] Citizens
are asked to immediately

quarantine themselves and have
as little physical contact

with one another as possible.

Complete isolation is the key

in stopping the spread of this virus.

So like, a typical Saturday night, then?

[Man On TV] We repeat,
signs that you may be infected

are sudden fever, chills,
sore throat, aching joints,

lack of energy and in some cases,

moderate to severe death.

Death?

[Man On TV] Ladies and gentlemen,

we have some disturbing breaking news.

That sounds bad.

[Man On TV] We are
receiving confirmed reports

that the infected are somehow transforming

into violent and ravenous flesh eaters.

For lack of a better word, Corona zombies.

Corona zombies?

[Man On TV] Yes, Corona zombies.

[Kendra] Why can't they
be like, Heineken zombies.

That stuff is skunky!

Or like, chardonnay zombies.

I'll call you back.

[Kendra] Okay, be safe, girl.

[Man On TV] Breaking
news, we have just received

shocking video of what is believed

to be ground zero of the virus.

This was taken moments
ago at the Wuhan, China

Scrambell's Soup factory,
where they were testing

their newest flavor, bat soup.

Warning, this footage is disturbing.

[Chef Donahue] Hurry!

Shut down the goddamned soup pots now!

[Derek] Yes, Chef Donahue!

Clam chowder, check.

[Man] Something's wrong, Chief, look.

The kettles in sector
nine are overpressurized.

[Chef Donahue] Keep pushing that button!

[Derek] It's no use, sir.

The seals on the bat soup
kettles have already burst!

[Chef Donahue] Push it!

Is it soup yet?

We've got to cool off the
kettles or they're gonna blow.

[Derek] The cream of
mushroom is scalding.

[Woman] The minestrone
is reaching meltdown.

Attention all emergency personnel.

Chef Donahue, here.

Meet me up on sector nine.

We've got to turn the heat off manually

and don't forget your gas masks.

Oh yeah, I'll see you there.

My God, we're too late.

Just look at this place.

[Derek] Haven't seen this much smoke

since the Snoop Dogg concert.

[Chef Donahue] Give it a rest, Derek.

Everyone look for the
manual shutoff valve.

It's metal and it's got like, a little,

what's it called?

The dial with the numbers.

Ah, there it is.

The only way to end this madness

is to turn the, oh, what the...

My God.

It's Jerry, the prep cook's apron.

But where is he?

[screaming]

Bad Jerry!

[Derek] Ow, what the hell, Jerry?

[Chef Donahue] Jerry, [stammering],
knock it off, man.

Stop it!

[Derek] Do something, Donahue.

Jerry, no!

This isn't the Jerry I know.

What have you become?

[Zombie] Corona.

Well, I hate to say I told you so, but,

I never thought bat soup was a good idea.

I'd better cancel that two
o'clock potato soup meeting.

They've all been transformed

into flesh eating zombies.

They're all dead, but, but, they're alive.

They're all...

Attention all Scrambell's employees,

Chef Donahue speaking.

Just a few quick announcements.

First of all, the company
picnic on Saturday

has been canceled.

Bowling night will be
rescheduled until further notice

and oh yeah, one more
thing, run for your lives.

Flesh eating Corona
zombies have been unleashed

and are currently taking over the world.

If you're healthy, you will probably

go through a process and you'll be fine.

[Zombie] Corona.

Oh my God.

I never should have given that woman

the last roll of toilet paper.

The stuff is like rolled gold.

[Kendra] Hey.

Hi.

[Kendra] What are we gonna do?

The Corona zombies are
like, doubling by the hour.

This is like, so not [mumbling].

Girl, it's worse than I thought.

[Kendra] Have you seen one?

Worse, I don't have any toilet paper.

[Kendra] People are
literally k*lling each other

for a roll on TV.

I think my garden hose might
reach my bathroom window.

[Kendra] Ew, you have paper towels.

Yeah, but then I would
have to use Vaseline.

That stuff is rough, and
I have sensitive skin.

Damn.

Wait.

Ugh, I'm out of coffee filters, too.

[Kendra] But do you
have enough food and water

to last you three years?

I just have some pizza pockets,

some popcorn and some Skittles.

Ooh!

[Kendra] Oh, girl.

[Man On TV] We repeat,
please quarantine yourself

as the number of Corona zombies continues

to multiply by the hour.

Oh my God, are you seeing this?

[Kendra] What's happening now?

All the nail salons must be shut down.

Everyone's in need of a serious mani.

Yuck.

[Man On TV] The President has declared

a nation-wide lockdown
and a special task force,

the Corona Squad, has been assembled

to help protect America
from the increasing amount

of hoarders and pirates, all of whom

are trying to capitalize
on this catastrophe.

Authorities warn that if
you're one of the idiotic

people who are still
gathering in large crowds,

immediately take a long, hot soapy shower

and stop touching your face.

[gasping]

Just fascinating.

[Kendra] Oh my God, Barbie.

Oh my God, what?

[Kendra] You were just
at the grocery store.

All of those people, they
could have infected you

with their filthy hands and virals.

You should take a shower.

Ooh, no.

Okay, later.

We cut to breaking news
as we are receiving word

that the immediate toilet
paper shortage was,

in fact, caused by a hijacked cargo ship.

We take you now live to the scene

as the Corona Squad have
cornered the hijacker

and are preparing to move in.

Not now!

First of all, I wanna
make one thing very clear.

The President wants us
to take this guy alive,

[speaking foreign language]

which means he and I...

Catch him as they go get a massage?

Let me try this again, Argento.

The thug's the only one who
knows where the stash is.

[Randy] So we locate the rolls.

Gut him like a fish.

Just get him alive.

If we capture him, we'll be heroes.

[chuckling]

I can finally get laid.

You got that right.

Every night.

A ha!

I'd love to bang a Chinese m*dget.

[chuckling]

You listen to me, you b*stards.

Either my demands are met, or you can kiss

wiping your butt goodbye
for a very long time.

Do you hear me?

If I don't get five
million jillion dollars,

a Russian hooker and a gift certificate

to P.F. Chang's, it's over.

You have 10 minutes or my hostages die.

Who is that?

That is the Corona Squad, man.

The identity of the
toilet paper hijacker

has been uncovered.

He's Claude Francois, a
failed French-Canadian

gymnast, who turned to a life of crime

after not winning a Matt
Dillon lookalike contest.

Yes.

Good.

We've just received word
that satellite photography

has revealed that Francois' mother's home

may be the location where
the shipping containers

of T.P. are hidden.

The Corona Squad are
taking their positions

and hopefully bringing
this harrowing moment

in history to an end.

We now return to Real
Housewives of Quebec,

already in progress.

[Francois] Get in the corner.

[coughing]

[Chad] Remember, whatever
you do, take them alive.

sh**t the son of a b*tch!

sh*t, wrong guy.

They are storming the building.

Quick, out the window.

Thanks to Corona Squad, you
will all meet your maker.

[Woman] Oh, no!

[Argento] Watch your step.

He's runnin' a smoke machine.

[Chad] That's our
grenade smoke, you asshat.

Oops, we shot some of the hostages.

[Argento] They all made
the ultimate sacrifice

in the name of bathroom tissue.

These shot up people are all heroes.

Where did you stash the
toilet paper, Francois?

You'll never find it,
but you won't be needing

toiletries where you're headed.

The zombies are coming for you

and no amount of social
distancing in the world

can save you from their ravenous grasp.

Oh, oh sh*t.

Peace out.

[Chad] You know, he really
does look like Matt Dillon.

We interrupt this broadcast
for more breaking news

as the number of Corona zombies continue

to spiral out of control.

Just moments ago,
hoardes of Corona zombies

converged at the t*ts-N-Giggles strip club

in Cherry Hill, New
Jersey, just as headliner

Miss Anne Howe and her


Dozens of patrons were
injured and or eaten

as the undead flooded into the business.

Authorities say the death
toll would have been

significantly lower had
many of the customers

not insisted on staying to try and catch

part of Miss Howe's bodacious act.

One victim was quoted as saying,

"Yes, there were Corona
zombies everywhere,

"but did you get a load of that a*s?"

Please let this footage be a reminder

to everyone watching, social distancing,

washing your hands and most certainly

steering very clear of bat soup

is the new norm in our world.

If I get Corona, I get Corona.

At the end of the day, I'm not gonna

let it stop me from partying.

I think they're blowing
it way out of proportion.

I think it's doin' way too much.

So, we're just hangin' out with them

and tryin' to get junk
before everything closes.

According to our satellite,
dozens of semi trucks

have been making drop offs
to a house not far from here.

I predict we find that
T.P. stash before nightfall.

Let's hope so, but Francis was right.

We'd better move fast,
before we're outnumbered

by Corona zombies.

Corona Squad to headquarters.

We're moving in.

[Man On Radio] 10-4, Corona Squad.

Good luck out there.

The world is counting on you.

[Shemp] At your service, Commander.

Buckle up, let's do this.

[Chad] Ah, let's make it quick.

I'm starting to get a
bad feeling about this.

Let's roll.

[Shemp] Hold on, sorry.

I'm not used to a stick shift.

I got it, I got it.

[Woman] Careful, he's
picking at it again.

[groaning]

Dammit, I told you we
should have enrolled him

in private school.

There's too much biting in
the public school system.

I can't believe you insisted
he come to work with you.

Bring your kid to work day my a*s.

Excuse me, driver.

Is this gonna be long?

You just shut up back there.

You want full service, you
should have called an Uber.

Supplemented income, my a*s.

I should've listened to my mother

and never married a wannabe rock star.

Dumb broad!

I'm telling you, White
Thunder is about to break.

Why can't you just support
my goals and dreams

for once in your pathetic goddamned life?

Oh, no, it would be too much to ask

to have you encouraging
and cheering me on.

Doesn't matter that I've
supported you all these years.

I want a goddamned divorce.

Driver, let's get moving, please.

Oh, sure lady, pile on.

Naturally, the famous
Barbara Jenson lady reporter

has no sympathy for a struggling musician.

No, you're too busy
living in your own bubble

of fame with your investigative reporting

and sucking up to politicians.

That's it, I'm calling Uber.

Do yourself a favor and dump him.

[child whimpering]

[Janni] Smile, Barbara, say cheese.

We have to call a car.

Just a little pre-roll before you help

find a cure for the Corona zombies.

Now, smile for me, baby.

[humming]

I need a moment to myself.

Yes, of course you do.

Go ahead, gimme my son.

I'll hold him.

[child whimpering]

I'll be right back, sweet baby.

[Child] Mama.

Mama.

[child whimpering]

Excuse me, are you okay?

[child growling]

Father?

Father.

[woman screaming]

[child growling]

[child groaning]

[Janni] All right, sexy ace reporter.

Tell us how you're gonna try and help end

all this Corona madness.

If anybody can do it, you can.

Are you hitting on me in the workplace?

[chuckling]

Yeah, I suppose I am.

You're not gonna get all
me too on me now, are you?

[laughing]

[Zombie] Corona.

[woman whimpering]

[Woman] Start the car.

I take it all back.

I love your band.

[Barbara] The Corona
zombies have already

spread to the countryside.

My God, they're hideous.

Listen to them.

They sound like monsters.

Are you sure they're Corona?

They look like they're
drugged out of their minds.

Maybe Charlie Sheen has a
summer home around here.

I don't know.

I couldn't say.

Francois' mother's house is
right over those mountains.

We'll take that road up there.

Let's do this.

[spitting]

What if the old broad is armed?

What do we do?

We'll take her out
just like we did her son.

Now, let's hit the road.

And stop grinding those gears.

[Shemp] I got it, I got it.

What are we gonna do?

[Janni] Don't make any sudden moves.

We have to be very careful about this.

You're right.

[Janni] Right down the middle.

[Zombie] Corona.

[Randy] This isn't her house.

Must be further down the road.

[Chad] Let's check those
empty buildings for any clues.

[Barbara] Start the car, start the car.

[Randy] Isn't that Barbara
Jenson, from the news?

Hey, what's wrong?

The Corona zombies have migrated north.

They're just around the corner.

They were comin' right for us.

Argento, Shemp, go check it out.

[Argento] Yes, Commander.

[Shemp] I got it, I got it.

[Chad] What's wrong, man?

Spit it out.

[Janni] The kid, he's, he's...

[child growling]

[gasping]

[Barbara] Oh no, oh no, oh, oh!

[child growling]

[Argento] Let's go.

[Shemp] Psst, there's someone there.

[Chad] Come on, kid.

You're due for a serious time out.

[child growling]

Corona Squad, freeze!

Get down on your knees, now!

No, hold it.

We've got to test him first.

Test reads positive.

Ah!

That'll teach ya to not wash your hands.

[Chad] Back off!

Haven't you heard of social distancing?

Six feet, kid, six feet.

[Barbara] He's a zombie.

[Shemp] These mothers
have more lives than a cat.

[Argento] I'll never
lick another doorknob

as long as I live.

[child growling]

[Chad] I'm very sorry, kid.

Miss?

Miss?

Miss?

[Chad] Your turn.

You sure the quarantine
is over by the end of April?

Madam?

You've got to get some
hydrogen peroxide on that.

[Argento] My turn!

Halt.

I think we should have some masks on.

Or, some hand gel at the very least.

[Chad] All right,
squad, here's the plan.

We go to Francois' mother's house

to see if that's where the
toilet paper is stashed.

[Barbara] I've gotta
get to the native village.

The Shaman there might hold
the key to curing this.

[Chad] Then we'll stop by on the way.

Who knew there was one
last remaining village

in the middle of Baltimore?

It's a tribe, not unlike the Amish.

They're holding on to
their ancient customs.

And this reporter woman?

She thinks she holds the key.

[Chad] We're certainly gonna find out.

We've gotta stop this
Corona-tastrophe one way or the other.

Where the hell did they come from?

[Barbara] That's my ex-boyfriend, Carl.

He has come to greet us.

All right, I say we
break up into two groups

and escort her in.

Let's do this, no time to waste.

[Chad] We've got to make a plan.

Those drumbeats sound hostile.

One wrong move and they
could capture us, or worse.

God, what if they tie me and beat me?

Come on, how dangerous
can they possibly be?

If they decided you were their enemy,

they could easily take all of you out.

These indigenous people are very advanced

despite their culture.

There's good reason they've survived

the wilds of Baltimore
for all these years.

You seem quite infatuated lady.

I don't like your tone,
Mr. Stupid Blue Hat.

What the hell are you suggesting?

You tell me.

Enough now.

How should we get you in there?

I'm going in alone.

I know what they'll respond to.

[Argento] You really know
how to start a conversation.

Whoa, this broad really knows
how to commit to a cause.

We're sending a naked woman
into the jungles of Baltimore.

What could possibly go wrong?

[Shemp] Are you sure
this is a good idea?

[Argento] I hope she's wearing sunblock.

I'm going to meet them.

Come back in an hour, and no peeking.

[Native] Hey, what up, girl?

I wish I had a swing like
that on my front porch.

[Native] Whoo, baby,
where'd you get all that?

[Native] Your bed work, honey.

Breaking news as the m*rder and mayhem

unfolds at the t*ts-N-Giggles strip club

in Cherry Hill, New Jersey as hoardes

of Corona zombies continue to attack

the horny b*stards that continue

to ignore the quarantine order.

This footage should be reason enough

for you to please, stay at home

and help flatten the curve,

no matter how desperate you
are to see a naked woman.

[water pattering]

Hello?

Is anybody there?

I don't have anything you want,

nothing of value, anyway.

No money, no jewelry.

Oh.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

[Zombie] Corona.

Corona.

[growling]

[Man On TV] We return now
to our live remote cameras

as the Corona Squad has launched a search

for our star reporter, Barbara Jenson.

Where the hell is she?

She should have been back by now.

She's gotta be gettin' cold.

Maybe she's on her way back.

It's either that or dead.

Let's go back.

Maybe she's waitin' for us at the convoy.

[Argento] Mother of God, look at that.

You don't suppose this belongs to her?

Who's that?

Hey buddy, come down
from there or I'll sh**t.

[Chad] He's dead, you moron.

Is that one of the Corona zombies?

We're not staying around to find out.

Let's haul a*s.

Let's roll.

This place is crawling with those things.

They're throwing bodies into the trees.

[Zombie] Corona.

Corona.

My God.

You led them right for us.

This is a perfect
opportunity to get that B roll

I was hoping for.

Get in the car.

Hey, unhand me, you brute.

This is my shot at the big time.

It's worth losing a limb or two.

Janni, Janni!

Come back!

Janni, Janni!

Come back!

No promotion is worth this.

[Janni] That's it boys.

Work the camera.

Lick your lips, steady.

Show me what you got.

Make love to the lens
like your stepdaughter's

mom just passed away.

Start the car.

[Barbara] We're not leaving here.

I said start the car, Shemp.

Janni, this is suicide.

[Janni] Now, let's lose
those shirts, fellas.

Work it.

No!

Christ!

All right buddy, the
fashion sh**t is over.

Get your a*s back to the van.

Damn, forgot to load it.

It's the head, dammit.

Aim for the head.

I got it.

Then do it, now.

I got it, I got it.

If you're not man enough,

then I am.

You just stay right here and learn

from the hand of the master.

How's that sound?

[groaning]

Stop!

Haven't you seen any George Romero?

It's the head.

You gotta sh**t 'em in the head, yah!

[Randy] Oh my God, he's a total idiot.

[Argento laughing hysterically]

[Janni] I need this one's close up.

[Chad] That's a wrap on the phot sh**t.

Now.

[Argento laughing hysterically]

Bring it on.

I bet your mom is real proud of you.

Speaking of your mama, she's so ugly,

she tried to join an ugly contest once,

and they said sorry, no professionals.

[laughing]

Your mama is so fat her
belly button gets home



Enough schtick, Argento.

Wrap it up.

Get over here.

Come at me, bro, come at me.

Enjoy living while you can.

You heard the President.

You'll only be around
for another three weeks.

Go ahead, try and eat me.

Just try.

What are you waiting for?

Let's go.

Let's roll, Argento!

Come on!

Hey you.

[Chad] Move!

Look at me.

No mask, no gloves.

Oh, I get it.

You want a little bite outta me, huh?

He's crackin' up.

We have to bail.

Do I look delicious to you?

I bet I do.

Dinner is served.

Wow.

Ah, not before you have your first course!

[Chad] Did you get any
information from the Shaman?

[Barbara] He told me this pandemic

is the Earth's way of telling
us to be kinder to her.

[Chad] Got that right.

[Man On Radio] Corona
zombies were just seen

walking north to the wooded
area outside the city.

All citizens are advised
to arm themselves.

[Chad] All right, the mother's house

is just a few miles ahead.

Start loading the weapons.

We'll hide the vehicles and
sneak up on the old broad.

Be alert.

I need total professionalism
from you guys.

[Argento] Baby ready
to fall down and go boom?

Whee!

[chuckling]

Dammit, I wanted to go down myself.

Anybody else starting to get hungry?

My God, they're hideous.

All right, let's go check out the house.

[Janni] Ow, you know what?

Here, I don't even know
how to sh**t this thing.

[Chad] All clear.

Everyone keep your eyes
peeled for anything

out of the ordinary.

Be ready for danger where
you least expect it.

Hey, smells worse than old lady in here.

Shemp.

Huh?

Go take a look out there.

Yeah, okay.

Let's split up and look for signs

of that toilet paper.

Check outside for shipping containers.

I'll go up there.

Randy, Argento, look for the old broad.

Look, she's wears lederhosen.

Maybe she's a hot German cougar.

[Chad] Knock knock.

Singing telegram.

Postmates!

Jehovah's Witness.

[laughing]

[Shemp] There's always
time for cross-dressin'.

Yeah.

No heels?

Yeah.

Mmm.

[Chad] Ma'am, I'm from
Publisher's Clearing House.

I'm here to tell you you're a winner!

Watch where you're goin', fruitcake.

[chuckling]

Bump bump ba bump ba bump.

[Chad] Hey lady, wake up.

Someone sent you a stripper gram.

Let's get naked.

Let's see those goat t*tties.

My bad.

Ugh, not getting information out of you.

[Randy] This place is a dump.

t*rror1st or not, this
woman lives like a lazy,

filthy lady pig.

Smells like a smoky bedspread in here.

[Shemp] Ba ba dump dee dump.

Da da da dada.

[chanting]

[chuckling]

[screaming]

That was Shemp.

Come on.

[Argento] Stay here.

[Chad] Back off, meemaw.

I barely know you.

[gasping]

My God, Shemp, no.

Eaten alive.

In a dress, no less.

This time he really did it.

Goddamned Corona zombies.

Ah!

[screaming]

Barbara!

What's wrong?

Damn you, get back.

Up yours, you bat soup
eating b*stards from hell.

Let go of her.

[Argento] Die, die
Corona scum, die, die!

Die, I say!

[groaning]

Unhand her!

She's a journalist, for God's sake.

Close your eyes, Barbara.

[Randy] We have to bail.

[Chad] Let's split.

[Argento] We've got
to get back to the car!

[Randy] Keep your eyes
peeled for the others.

Let's go.

Christ, they're everywhere!

[Randy] This one makes a bigger hole.

Incoming Corona.

[Argento] Adios, tubby.

Get my camera.

Someone sh**t this.

This is great B role.

[screaming]

[Randy] Where's Chad and Barbara?

Let's trash this place!

Yah.

I'll handle this.

These flesh eaters are
ready for their close up.

[Janni] Okay, never mind the camera.

[screaming]

Get back.

Get outta here, get out!

[Argento] Yee haw!

Yah, come at me, bro.

Come at me, whoo hoo!

[laughing]

Who's hungry?

Bring it on.

Who's ready for the first course, huh?

Come on, get outta here, yah!

Yah!

[laughing hysterically]

Yah, get back, get back,
do what you're told.

Do as you're told, whoo hoo!

Yah, yah.

[laughing]

Whoo hoo!

Look at you.

How could you possibly think you could

make a meal outta me, huh?

[growling]

Whoo hoo!

Yah, yah, yah.

[Chad] Abort mission.

Get in the car.

[Randy] f*ck him.

He's all cracked up.

Yah, come on.

Just do it.

I can't take any more cable news anyway.

k*ll me!

[growling]

Just kidding.

See ya meatloaf.

[laughing]

In hell!

[Janni] Just leave him.

He's a loose cannon.

He's Corona Squad, man.

Back off.

On second thought, maybe you're right.

Randy, pull him inside.

[Randy] Argento, pull
your head outta your a*s.

It's over.

It's no use, just leave him.

[Argento] That's it,
hold perfectly still.

My work is done.

Let's blow this popsicle stand.

[Barbara] Get back!

He's leaking all over me!

Cap the son of a b*tch!

Step on it, they're closing in.

[Randy] Help me!

[Barbara] Please start the car.

Keep them out!

There are Corona everywhere!

Blast the radio, honk the horn, anything!

Corona Squad, my a*s.

You can't even get the car started.

[Barbara] Call the auto club.

Use On-Star.

[Argento] Adios, Corona scum.

See you in hell!

[Zombie] Corona.

[Man On TV] Breaking news
as the mayor has called off

all attempts to save the horny b*stards

that continue to show
up at the t*ts-N-Giggles

strip club in Cherry Hill, New Jersey.

As one by one, both
strippers and customers

are transformed into
ravenous Corona zombies.

City officials are designating Martial Law

as the government continues
to try and contain

the virus, at the same
time trying to resolve

our terrifying toilet paper shortage.

[Man] It's the end of the world.

It's the end of the world!

So, I would love to have the country

opened up and just raring to go by Easter.

[Kendra] Hey girl, are you sure

it was just a hallucination?

I mean, I think so.

I'm not in the belly of a
Corona zombie, so, I guess.

[Kendra] Be thankful
it wasn't one of those

dumb nightmares that ends with a shock,

only to realize one more time that you're

actually still in the nightmare.

Ugh, I hate those.

[Kendra] Yeah, me, too.

Wouldn't it be weird if
our conversation right now

were like actually part of a nightmare?

Like, like a triple.

Like, look, you wake up twice
and then I finally wake up

and we realize that I'm
the one who's actually

having the nightmare.

Mmm hmm.

This lockdown sucks.

It's been like, two hours,
and I'm already bored.

[Kendra] I know, right?

And it's Taco Tuesday, too.

Mmm, how long do you
think this is gonna last?

[Kendra] They're saying we
may be stuck home for months.

This is serious.

Ugh!

Whose stupid idea was this, anyway?

This is so not fun.

[Kendra] Global warming,
biological warfare,

oh, oh, wait, the contestants
from The Bachelor.

Wait, that was prison herpes outbreak.

Who knows?

Wait a second.

[Kendra] What now?

Jim Bob.

[Kendra] What about that moron?

I can't believe you dated that loser.

He was hot the night I met him.

[Kendra] You were way drunk
and he was, like, never hot.

Anyway, he was a survivalist.

He left a ton of supplies here.

[Kendra] Where?

In the garage.

I have earthquake and get
your hands off my sh*t,

you smelly democrat supplies out there.

[Kendra] And?

And, there's toilet paper!

[Kendra] Girl.

You're one rich b*tch.

Mmm hmm.

I'm a rich b*tch, I'm a rich b*tch.

[Kendra] You're a b*tch, b*tch.

You're a b*tch, b*tch.

You're a b*tch, b*tch.

[both whooping]

Breaking news is the
Corona Squad have aborted

their missions to locate
the missing toilet paper

and are heading for the
location of the initial

Corona zombie outbreak,
the Scrambell Soup Company.

Officials hope the squad
can find clues there

that may help bring this all to an end.

[groaning]

[Argento] Great, now what?

Washed out road.

Yeah, it figures.

Just another day in the
life of the Corona Squad.

Now, what in the hell do we do?

We could ditch the car and go by boat.

Either that, or disguise
ourselves as Corona zombies.

Where'd you say that boat was?

In the back of the van.

Hopefully, we have room for everyone.

If we don't, that
photographer's dead meat.

We'd better get moving.

It'll be dark soon.

Let's roll.

[Chad] Everyone stay together.

If Corona show up, start
drooling and act like a zombie.

It works on The Walking Dead.

Huh, they sure don't make

inflatable boats like they used to, huh?

[Chad] Says the guy who
wouldn't help load up.

All right, let's work together and push.

That's it, we got it.

[Randy] Okay, let me just get the oar.

Uh, I've done this before.

[Chad] Okay, okay, wait, wait.

Wrong way, wrong way.

[Randy] Okay, now, here...

[Barbara] Corona coming!

[Randy stammering]

[Zombie] Corona.

[Chad] Quick, everyone
lay down, act like a stiff.

[Zombie] Corona.

[Chad] My God, they're waving goodbye.

These things are gaining intelligence...

[Zombie] Corona.

[Chad] At an astonishing rate.

[Argento] Bon voyage, mother f*ck!

[laughing]
[whooping]

There it is.

[Barbara] It's beautiful.

[Chad] The plan is to
get to the ninth floor

and take samples of the soup that caused

all of this mess.

Be aware of your surroundings.

There still may be a Corona zombie or two

still in the building.

Hey, Chad, how do we
get to the ninth floor?

I don't know.

But first I really need to take a leak.

Up there.

When this hell ends, this
would be a great location

to sh**t a music video.

[Randy] You're right.

It's very steampunk.

Come on.

I want to go to the
scene of the meltdown.

Elevator, go call the others.

[Janni] They found the
elevator to soups and gravies.

It's this way.

[Chad] Stay close.

Corona Squad.

What is it?

I heard something in
the creamed corn room.

Stand near the elevator.

Back up.

[screaming]

The horror!

[groaning]

Die, Corona scum!

I can't take it!

This is for the victims!

This is for closing movie theaters

and this is for getting
Burning Man canceled.

Thanks to you, I can't even
hook up on Tinder anymore.

Plenty of Fish, Grindr, all of it.

I'll never bang a random ever again!

Wait.

Stay back.

I take it all back!

[whimpering]

I'm just a little tired.

I have low blood sugar, oh!

What a world!

What a world!

[screaming]

I'm starting to think
that this was a bad idea.

[Barbara] Oh, the tomato
soup is overheating!

That's not tomato soup.

[screaming]

It's what's left of Argento.

Abort mission!

[Randy] My God.

Just look at 'em.

They're dead.

They're all messed up.

To think they're all gonna miss out

on the stimulus package benefits.

Barbara, I know this probably isn't

the best time for this.

I haven't been with a
woman for a very long time.

So, since this is probably it,

I get one last look at those
tremendous knockers of yours,

one last sacrifice for what's
left of the Corona Squad.

I'll be dead, but let me die a hero.

[Zombie] Corona.

[Chad] Who just saw a
terrific set of boobies.

Then I guess this is it.

I'll never find the cure.

Just think, I'll never go to brunch

ever again.

Oh, Chad.

No.

[screaming]

Argento!

What have you done to your hair?

[Randy] Commander
Chad, it's not too late.

Fight it, man!

Argento, no, we're friends.

[Argento] Corona!

[Randy] Set you up with my cousin.

[Argento] Corona!

[screaming]

[gurgling]

Professor, how long can we expect

the Corona zombie outbreak to continue?

Can we expect the plague of the undead

to end anytime soon?

How would I know?

What am I, a mindreader?

All I can say is the world
should let this be a lesson

from this moment in
history, we should try to be

kinder, gentler, a better
person than we were yesterday.

After all, all we are is dust in the wind.

The takeaway, wash your hands,

and get your sh*t together!

Come on, toilet paper.

I know you're in here.

[gasping]

Yes!

The mother f*ck' mother lode!

[Zombie] Corona.

[screaming]

[screaming continues]

Corona.

[Kendra] Are you sure it was just a

hallucinate, elation?

[chuckling]