[ Man whistles tune]
♪ Up on the housetop,
reindeer pause ♪
♪ Out jumps
good 0l' Santa Claus ♪
♪ Down through the chimney
with lots of toys ♪
♪ All for the little ones'
Christmas joys ♪
♪ h*, h*, h*,
who wouldn't go? ♪
♪ h*, h*, h*, who wouldn't go? ♪
♪ Up on the housetop,
click, click, click ♪
♪ Down through the chimney
with good Saint Nick ♪
♪ First comes the stocking
of little Nell ♪
♪ Oh, dear Santa,
fill it well ♪
♪ Give her a dolly
that laughs and cries ♪
♪ One that can open
and shut its eyes ♪
♪ h*, h*, h*,
who wouldn't go? ♪
♪ h*, h*, h* ♪
♪ Who wouldn't go? ♪
♪ Up on the housetop,
click, click, click ♪
♪ Down through the chimney ♪
♪ With good Saint Nick ♪
♪ Look in the stocking
of little Will ♪
♪ Oh, just see
what a glorious fill ♪
♪ Here is a hammer
and lots of tacks ♪
♪ Whistle and ball
and a whip that cracks ♪
♪ h*, h*, h* ♪
- ♪ Who wouldn't go? ♪
- [ Woman screaming]
♪ h*, h*, h*,
who wouldn't go? ♪
- No!
- ♪ Up on the housetop ♪
- ♪ Click, click, click... ♪
- [ Continues screaming ]
♪ Down through the chimney
with good Saint Nick... ♪
[screaming continues]
♪ h*, h*, h*, who wouldn't go? ♪
♪ h*, h*, h*,
who wouldn't go? ♪
♪ Up on the housetop,
click, click, click ♪
♪ Down through the chimney
with good Saint Nick ♪
[singer whistles tune]
Man: Down here!
I'm down here!
Hey!
- [ Door opens]
- [ Stammers ] The basement.
Hello. Hey. Hey.
I'm down here.
[bells jingling]
[switch clicks]
[bulbs clanking]
Just let me go, okay?
Please?
'Cause I... I didn't know
she was married.
What are you... what...
what are you doing?
Just look, it's...
it's a f*cking misunderstanding.
I didn't... I'm sorry, okay?
She was begging for it.
What the f*ck did you...?
I didn't read that...
'cause you're her husband.
L... f*ck, I didn't...
okay, just...
how the f*ck am I supposed to know
that she was married?
'Cause she wasn't even wearing
a f*cking wedding ring, okay?
I swear to God, I'm never...
I'm never gonna touch her again.
I'm gonna get
the f*ck out of here, okay?
Just...
[ stammers ]
[stammering ]
You're... you're not
her husband.
You're... you're
just a sick f*ck.
[stammering ]
Say something!
[ Exhaling ]
- [ switch clicks]
- [ Electricity buzzing ]
[ screaming ]
- [ buzzing stops]
- [ Switch clicks]
- [ water dripping ]
- [ Bells jingling]
[birds chirping]
[distant dog barking ]
[phone ringing]
Hel... [ clears throat]
Hello.
- Man: Up and at 'em, Deputy.
- Sheriff?
Mm, I need you at the station
at 1500 hours.
Wait, why?
Deputy Jordan's got my shift.
Jordan's MIA.
Wait, what?
No one's seen him
since Thursday.
Apparently he's gonzo,
out of here,
got a whiff of something
he couldn't pass up.
Meow!
Sir, I can't work tonight.
It's Christmas Eve.
It's Christmas Eve
for all of us,
the season of giving,
so get off your sorry a*s.
Town hall's expecting
a record number of Santas.
It's gonna be
a real clusterfuck.
With all due respect, sir,
today is a really tough day
for me.
It's my first Christmas
without John.
Okay, well, I'll look forward
to seeing you.
Hmm,
a six-sided item,
nine letters.
Hmm.
[door opens and closes]
Man: I'm home.
I'm innocent, I swear.
I swear.
Police brutality!
Help! Help! Help!
Daddy, I'm sorry I can't be here
tonight, but you understand.
That's okay, darling.
You just write
as many parking tickets as you can
for all those other wannabes
and then look for me
up on that throne.
Oh, well, that would be cheating,
wouldn't it, Mother?
- She's straight as an arrow.
- [ Laughs ]
- I am proud of you, kiddo.
- Thank you.
There's a gift in the mailbox
for you, Hank.
Give it here.
Hey, Daddy,
what's a six-sided item?
Uh, a cube.
Mm, nine letters.
Uh, a hexagon.
Close. That's seven.
[ Sighs ]
I'll figure it out eventually.
Anyways, good luck.
I'm not gonna need it.
This is gonna be my year.
Of course it is.
And in the morning,
we will open up Christmas presents
and we will have leftovers and we'll
spend the whole day together, okay?
- You be careful out there, hon.
- Of course.
- You promise?
- Of course, Mother.
And watch out for those drunken Santas
with the wandering hands, eh?
And no letting them off
with just a smile
and a slap on the wrist,
not my girl.
I won't let you down, Dad.
[bells ringing]
[bells ringing]
♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪
♪ Fa la la la la la la la la ♪
♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪
- ♪ Fa la la la la la la la la
- [ Humming along]
♪ Don we now our g*y apparel ♪
♪ Fa la la la la la la la la ♪
♪ Sing the joyous
Yuletide carol ♪
♪ Fa la la la la
la la la la... ♪
- Nice job, Mr. Mayor.
- Huh? Pardon me?
- The lights... quite a display.
- Pain in the a*s.
But we're entertaining tonight,
and Mrs. Mayor has her standards.
So you're not judging
the Santa contest then?
No, no, no.
It's an election year.
If I choose a Santa, I earn one vote
and lose the other 499.
[ Both laugh ]
- Merry Christmas, Tiffany.
- Hey.
Tiffany, please go put on
something more respectable.
Respectable? What would you know
about respectable?
I have important people
coming over tonight.
You might think it's cool
for you and your important people
to route a road
through protected land.
I don't.
This town will die if we don't
put another road in.
It's already dead.
All right, see you
at the Santa parade.
Yeah. You take care.
♪ Up on the housetop,
reindeer pause ♪
♪ Out jumps
good 0l' Santa Claus ♪
♪ Down through the chimney
with lots of toys... ♪
What are you doing, honey?
Those are Mommy's heart pills.
- I need those.
- You need to take me to the mall.
But I thought
we'd go to church tonight.
f*ck church.
I want my new IV today.
Why don't you wait until tomorrow
and see what Santa brings you?
Do I look like I believe
in Santa Claus?
Go get your purse
and meet me in the car.
- [ Three knocks on door]
- [ Sighs ]
Great.
Salvation f*cking Army.
Got something for me?
- [ Electricity squealing ]
- I didn't ask for that.
[ Buzzing ]
Reverend Madeley.
Do you remember the old days?
Full house every Christmas
Eve, Easter too.
Nothing's the same anymore,
not even the snow.
Well, we've all lost a lot
this year.
John was important
to the community.
It's always hard
when a loved one leaves you,
no matter what
the circumstances,
but I want you to remember
Jesus loves you, Aubrey.
He's always here for you.
And so am I.
If there's anything
I can do to ease your pain,
anything at all...
I'm going to be late.
[door opens, closes]
[door opens, closes]
- [ "Jingle Bells" playing]
- [ Yawns ]
You want me
to pour you a coffee?
No, it's okay.
I got it.
- What are you reading?
- A survey.
It says that Christmas
makes people crazy.
They think it's the short days.
Or maybe it's "Jingle Bells"
- Where is everyone anyway?
- Sheriff's out,
scouting the parade route
for suspicious packages.
And where is Giles?
Late, as always.
So you hear about Jordan disappearing?
He flew the coop.
Yes, that is why
I'm here today.
I mean, he couldn't have waited
until after Christmas?
Rumor is there's a girl.
They're eloping to Milwaukee.
Okay.
Of course they are.
Can you think of a nine-letter word
for a six-sided item?
For my crossword?
Ooh, I'll Google it.
What? No. The whole point is
to figure it out yourself.
[ Sighs ]
So why are you asking me?
It is just so nice of you
to show up, Giles.
Don't tell me... I missed a bank heist
and an alien invasion.
If I can manage to put on my makeup,
blow-dry my hair and get here on time...
The truth is,
I had to stop at the store
and get something
for you ladies.
Christmas presents
from you? Really?
Don't rush me.
Form a line.
Oh, after you've been kissing
the sheriff's as*h*le, you're gonna...
- [ sneezes ]
- Oh, God.
No, thank you.
[phone rings]
Sheriff's Department.
Yes.
Ma'am, which Santa Claus?
Ma'am?
I see.
We'll send someone right over.
You know that traveling Santa,
the one in the square?
- Yeah. What's up?
- Well, seems he's been making kids cry.
- What? How?
- Maybe he got a b*ner.
Ugh.
Kids are squirming
in his lap all day.
It's bound to happen
sooner or later.
Has anyone ever done
a background check on you, seriously?
I'll just take this one
on my own.
What did I say?
[bell ringing]
- Hey.
- Hello.
- Hi there.
- How are you?
Fine, thank you.
- h*, h*, h*, Aubrey, Merry Christmas.
- Hi, Merry Christmas.
Hi.
Looks great. Good job.
Man: Happy holidays.
Merry Christmas.
Man: So what's your name,
partner?
- Boy: It's Timmy.
- Timmy. [chuckles]
Well, to be honest, Timmy,
I don't think you deserve
anything this year.
L.m joking...
You're gonna get everything
on your Christmas list,
but if the presents aren't
under the tree tomorrow,
you know what happened,
right? Hmm?
Well, see, your parents took 'em
and they put 'em on eBay.
That's right.
Never trust your parents.
And that's all I'm gonna say
on the matter,
lest I get in trouble
with the police.
See, they send people
to check on me
to make sure I'm not telling kids
the truth about their parents.
So don't go snitching on me.
Santa's little secret, right?
Shake.
All right, superstar.
Now scoot.
Santa sucks.
h*, h*, h*!
What can I do for you?
- I'm Deputy Bradimore.
- I'm Santa... Santa Claus.
Do you go by any other names?
Yeah, sure.
At Easter, I'm the Easter Bunny.
On Halloween, I'm Halloweener...
an Irish-Jewish ghost.
Days between, I'm Jim Epstein.
And can I call you Jim Epstein?
Well, you could if you wanted to ruin
the childhoods
of all those cute little brats
waiting in line, looking for reassurance
that they're gonna have lots and lots
of toys under the tree come tomorrow.
Oh, a cynical Santa... cute.
Ooh, you're good.
I'm gonna have to keep an eye on you.
You're not from around here,
are you?
No, I'm from up north, a small town...
North Pole actually.
And Colorado.
- You move around a lot?
- What the hell is this?
Why the inquisition?
I have a permit.
Can I see it?
Well, it happens to be
in my journal,
because I'm a bit of
a passionate scrapbooker.
[ Clears throat]
Mind if I take a look?
Knock yourself out.
For 10 bucks
you can sit on my lap too.
And we'll talk about
the first thing that pops up.
So what's the big issue?
We've been getting some complaints
about your behavior towards children.
Well, if you're talking about
that whiny little brat back there,
I stand by what I said.
I speak the truth.
So what do you want Santa
to bring you, huh?
A pony? How about
a big f*cking box of reality?
- How about you tone the f*ck down?
- Oh, yeah? Or what?
You can't revoke my permit.
It was issued by town hall.
It's conditional upon
your adherence to public decency.
Ooh, now I'm scared.
The big cop lady knows
the letter of the law.
So how come
you're not at home tonight,
by the fire with your hubby,
baking cookies?
What did you just say?
- [ Radio crackles]
- Brenda: Base, patrol one.
Deputy Bradimore, come in.
Patrol one, over.
Uh, we got a call
from some carolers
about a bad smell coming from
that abandoned house on Watson.
It's probably a gas leak
or a dead raccoon.
You have to send Giles.
I'm with Santa.
Giles is busy.
Aubrey: Doing what?
Changing his maxi pad?
A missing persons' report for
Alana Roach. Her husband is here.
Something happen to her?
Mm, I think she left him
for Deputy Jordan.
- Where did you get that from?
- Gossip.
From who?
Seriously,
I never reveal my sources.
Brought you a newspaper.
Couldn't finish the sudoku.
Mom and Dad missed the flight,
so it's just me.
I guess it kind of sucks
being in here alone
on Christmas Eve, huh?
Hell, you don't even know
what day it is.
Anyway, I gotta go see Tiffany.
You remember
my groupie Tiffany, right?
I'm boning her
pretty regular now.
- [ 93595 ]
- You'd better watch out, boy.
Christmas Eve is the scariest
damn night of the year.
Gramps, holy sh*t.
You're awake.
Let me go get someone.
You see Santa Claus tonight, boy,
you'd better run.
Run for your life.
[ laughs ]
[ knocks on door]
My grandfather... he's awake.
- Mr. McKenzie?
- I swear. He just said something.
Mm. Mr. McKenzie,
it's time for your bath.
Man: He's catatonic.
He hasn't said anything in over a year.
Do you want to help?
I'm running kind of late.
[ Crows cawing ]
[car approaching ]
Ugh.
[door squeaking ]
[ exhaling ]
It's disgusting.
Jesus.
[ Gasps ]
[ water dripping]
[flies buzzing]
[ exclaims ]
[ retches, coughs]
[ panting ]
- [ radio bleeps]
- Patrol one, over.
Brenda:
Base. What's the problem?
It's Deputy Jordan.
He's... he's dead.
Brenda:
Are you sure?
I'm pretty damn sure.
He's wrapped
in exploded Christmas lights.
Brenda: Oh my God. What do you mean?
Like electrocuted?
Oh, sh*t.
You said Alana Roach was with him,
right? I need to go search the house.
Brenda: That does not sound
like a good idea.
Wait for backup. Whoever did it could
still be there. I'll send Sheriff.
[c*ck g*n]
Ah, sh*t.
[thud ]
[cell phone ringing]
[ringing continues]
[ringing continues]
[ exclaims ]
[rustling, squelching]
[ exclaims ]
[ boards squeak]
Bradimore, whoa, whoa.
Jesus, stand down.
Jesus.
Do you want to go home?
No.
You're shaking.
Shivering. It's cold.
You should have waited
for me to come.
I had to make sure
that she was okay.
Look, I'm gonna say this
for your own good.
You're not equipped to handle
this kind of situation.
I mean, we both know that.
So don't go playing the hero.
That's my job.
Oh, Jesus.
What a bloody mess.
Whew.
Whoa, a big fella.
See, I guess that's what happens
when you try to start a new life.
I told him she was bad news.
I mean, f*ck, she was screwing
half the bloody town.
Where's the husband now?
Oh, waiting for the bars to open
so he can get drunk.
- Should we go talk to him?
- Huh? No, Giles already did.
He was at the auto shop all day.
The boss confirms it.
No, he didn't do this.
Well, then who did?
That level of brutality-
it has to be personal, okay?
A stranger just
doesn't make any sense.
m*rder seldom does.
All right, see what you can get
off those footprints.
I'm gonna set up our own
command HQ.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You realize
with Calumet Road closed,
that we're just completely
on our own?
Good. No state troopers, no FBI,
no "CSl: Miami."
This is payback time
for those parking violations
and stray cats up trees.
And I'll tell you another thing:
This sick f*ck is gonna wish
he never set foot in my town.
Yeah, that's it, that's it.
Work it, work it.
Yeah, that's it, that's it.
Work it, work it.
Oh, yeah, lean back.
Oh, that's awesome.
You look amazing.
Work it, work it.
Oh, that's it, that's it. Okay.
Oh, that's nice, that's nice.
Oh, baby, you're beautiful.
Stretch your neck out.
Stretch your neck out.
That's it. Ow!
Looking like an angel today.
Frank is very very...
feeling it, baby.
- [ Woman laughs ] God, Frank.
- [ Laughs ] That's right.
[ Shorts ]
So your website
can only be seen in Europe?
In Europe and Asia.
Awesome.
Oh, your present's over there,
white envelope.
Goldie:
Girl, you rocked it.
- Merry Christmas.
- Yeah, have a great one, babe.
- Mwah. Whoo!
- Maria: Later, honey.
[bells jingling]
Creep.
Maria, baby!
- Ooh, ooh, that's good, the t*ts.
- You want it off?
- Work the t*ts. Yeah, perfect.
- Yeah, I'll take it off.
Work the t*ts. Work the t*ts.
Work the t*ts.
Oh, God. Yeah, that's it.
That's it. Oh, man.
You're looking great. That's good.
[ Knocks on door]
Tiffany must have
forgotten something.
Or maybe the Snowman's back.
We're running low.
- [ Knocks on door]
- Goldie, get the door.
Okay, okay.
Hey.
What's this?
God, that's amazing.
Look at that. That's unbelievable.
You're looking perfect.
Frank?
Yeah, that's it.
What?
Frank, run!
[ Shrieks ]
No.
[g*nsh*t]
[ panting ]
- [ men grunting]
- [ Objects crashing ]
[man grunts]
Frank?
- [ Bells jingle]
- [ Screams ]
[ coughs ]
[machine whirring]
[ screaming ]
[ muttering ]
Help me. Help me!
No!
b*stard! No. Please.
No! No!
Somebody help me, please!
Anybody!
No, no. No!
Help me!
No, no.
No! No!
[screaming ] No!
[continues screaming ]
[ loud grinding]
Please!
[ "Joy to the World" playing ]
Well, the prints came from
a Cumberland work boot, size 13,
so it's definitely not Jordan.
Brenda: They didn't deserve
what just happened.
- Well, somebody thought differently.
- What do you mean?
What I mean is that this wasn't
like a random,
spontaneous act of violence.
Whoever did this had a plan.
And whoever had a plan
had a reason.
Well, who do you think
could have done this?
Do you remember that article
that you were reading to me
about Christmas making
people crazy?
Holiday murders...
Google that.
[phone rings]
Sheriff's Department.
It's Crazy Betty.
She sounds a little crazy,
something about blood.
Yeah, a Bloody Mary,
most likely.
- [ Phone rings]
- She's been drinking, guaranteed.
Sheriff's Department.
Crazy Betty again?
No, a Mrs. Monuood
over on Euclid.
I'll go check it out.
Wait, no.
I'll go to the Monlvoods'.
I know the family.
Bradimore, you head down to the motel.
Giles, you meet her there.
- Brenda: Yes, ma'am. Right away.
- I really don't feel well enough
to be fighting crime.
I'm probably best sewed
just holding the fort.
No, you are best served protecting
the good citizens of Cryer
instead of your own sorry a*s.
So man up.
[siren wailing]
What happened here?
- She's dead.
- No.
He skewered her
like a little pig.
What?
Did you see him?
I'm really sorry.
I promise you that we'll
catch this maniac
and he will pay
for what he did.
- It's all my fault, Sheriff.
- No.
- She was driving me crazy.
- It's all right.
All I wanted for Christmas
was some relief,
but I was talking about
boarding school.
I didn't mean this.
I didn't want this.
It's all right. It's okay.
I deserve to go to jail.
No, no, no.
- Take me in.
- Stay there.
Wait. Don't go in there.
Once you see it,
you can't unsee it.
- [ Radio bleeps]
- Bradimore, Giles, come in.
We have another homicide
on Euclid.
A 14-year-old girl
appears to be speared.
What do you see?
Aubrey: Two dead here, sir.
There's a woman, Goldie Willis,
and a Frank Forrester.
He runs a website, soft porn.
Sheriff: Porn, drugs...
when did this town become so sleazy?
Ever since the mill closed.
They do what they gotta do
to survive.
Oh, yeah?
You call this survival?
And, sir, we found prints...
work boots.
- They're huge.
- Looks like the same perp.
Aubrey: The woman... Goldie Willis...
she was the first one to die.
There was no sign of forced entry.
Whoever did this...
she must have known him.
I mean, she opened the door.
The last call that Frank made
was to a Mr. Snow.
That doesn't ring a bell.
I know a Mr. Cloud,
but he's Indian.
Native American.
All right, son, listen.
I want you to lock up the crime scene.
Oh, and check out
that rat-infested motel.
Somebody may have heard
or seen something.
Sir, there's a video camera.
Sheriff: Well, bring the damn thing in.
Maybe we'll get lucky.
[ Beeping ]
[harmonizing] ♪ Holy infant ♪
♪ So tender and mild ♪
♪ Sleep ♪
♪ In heavenly peace... ♪
Merry Christmas, brother.
♪ Sleep... ♪
- [ Truck idling]
- ♪ In heavenly ♪
♪ Peace. ♪
[ Applause ]
Girls, I'd like to thank you
for bringing some true
Christmas cheer to the town.
If I could just get one shot
for the parish newsletter?
- [ Truck idling]
- [ Man breathing deeply]
[ women laughing]
Oh, you can do
better than that.
Okay.
Uh, one more for luck.
That's right.
Spread some joy to the world.
Thank you.
Hi, Dennis.
Shouldn't we call in some help?
It's Christmas Eve.
And assuming they could
give a damn,
it would be midnight
before anyone showed up.
No, we're just gonna have to
take this maniac down ourselves.
And that is where
our training kicks in.
- [ Camera beeps]
- [ Music playing]
Hmm.
Who is that?
Yeah. Later.
- Maybe we should fast-forward it
- Hmm? What?
- Fast-fonuard.
- Oh.
I'm just... I'm just making
a mental note to call the mayor.
- About the killings?
- No, about his daughter.
You know, just don't want to scare
people unnecessarily.
But he's gonna find out sooner or later.
I mean, people are gonna be talking.
He'll find out
when I find the k*ller.
Never present to your superiors
a problem.
Always present the solution.
Right, here you go.
- [ Camera beeps]
- [ Music resumes]
Frank.
- [ Maria screams]
- [ Flesh parting ]
[Frank grunts]
- [ Brenda exclaims]
- Oh.
God, you scared me to death.
- Giles.
- I'm on my way in.
Listen, we've got a lead
on our k*ller from the motel.
Yeah, he's wearing a Santa's suit
and a mask.
Well, that narrows it down, man.
The town square is like Santa central.
Listen, this one's big, all right?
Size 13 boots, over 6 feet. Anyone
matching that description... you bring
him in immediately for questioning.
That's cute, Aubrey.
I'm gonna need some help.
[ Door opens ]
We're a little crowded tonight.
[bells jingling]
There might be some room
at the front.
[door closes]
[bells jingling]
I prepared a sermon.
It's just a few words really.
It's about the ugly side
of Christmas,
how we surround ourselves
with colored lights
and decorations,
snow globes and gift wrap,
how we convince ourselves
that everything
is fun and laughter.
Dig a little deeper, friends.
Christmas has a dark side too.
Remember that chilly night
in Bethlehem
when baby Jesus was born
into this cold world
and laid in the filth
of a manger,
when King Herod
massacred infants?
Christmas has
some bad memories too.
To truly appreciate
the beauty of Christmas,
you must understand
its ugliness.
Sin is the beating heart
of Christmas...
pain and w*r, fear and sickness,
death and famine,
"American ldol"
and internet p*rn*graphy!
Thomas Guthrie wrote,
"Who is the murderess
that takes his life?
Sin.
Who is the sorceress
that first deceives,
and then damns his soul?
Sin.
Who is it that brings
old men grey hair
with sorrow to the grave?
Sin!"
Sin is the reason
that our Savior
Jesus Christ was born!
[ Screaming ]
I won't say a word.
I won't tell a soul.
Please don't k*ll me.
["Jingle Bells" playing
over speakers ]
Man over speakers:
One hour till parade time.
[ Heavy metal playing ]
Who's the big fellow
in the corner?
Stein Karsson,
used to be a foreman
at the mill.
Hmm. Haven't seen him
around before.
Man: I think he lives
up at the motel these days.
Crazy Betty's?
No, the Four f*cking Seasons.
Nice.
- [ Dials cell phone]
- Brenda: Base.
Brenda, patch me through
to the sheriff, please.
Um...
- He's a little tied up.
- It will only take a minute.
[ Intercom beeping ]
[ mouths ]
This better be good.
Listen, Sheriff, there's a man here...
Stein Karsson.
He is a former log worker.
He's wearing work boots.
He's huge.
He fits the giant Santa profile.
What's he doing?
Eating a burger.
Well, that doesn't sound like
the kind of thing
a serial k*ller would be partaking of
after five homicides.
He lives up at the motel and
I remember his name from the registry.
Hmm, it could be our guy.
Where are you?
- Jack's Bar.
- All right, I'm on my way.
Just don't do anything stupid.
Gentlemen, h*, h*, h*.
Mr. Karsson?
Stein Karsson?
Mind if I ask you
a few questions?
I was wondering when was
the last time you were at the motel.
This morning.
And did you notice
anything unusual,
any new people around?
It's a motel.
People come and go.
But you live there, correct?
You don't know any residents?
No.
How about a...
a Mr. Snow?
No.
So do you have any plans
for tonight, for Christmas?
[ Chuckles ]
I'm gonna spread as much joy,
as many parcels
of happiness as I can.
Then I'm gonna get
my girlfriend so wasted,
she won't even know
if I f*ck her in the a*s.
You don't seem very happy
about Christmas, do you?
Let me tell you
about Christmas.
It ain't all candy canes
and pretty lights.
Christmas can f*ck you up.
I heard this story.
This fella was pissed
that his wife left him
on account of him being
a dull man.
She took up with
a more exciting fellow.
The husband was distraught.
He went to the party
they were at
dressed as Santa, took
with him a weapon,
one he made with his own hands.
And he set about
k*lling them that was naughty.
[ Screaming ]
The wife's boyfriend ran,
left her behind.
She begged for forgiveness,
pleaded for her life.
He had no mercy for sinners,
burnt 'em to a crisp.
He's still doing it too,
every year a new town.
Everyone knows that story.
It's an urban legend.
It ain't.
Have you been
a naughty girl, Deputy?
[dialing]
[cell phone rings]
Who put you onto me?
Was it Frank, that creep?
That kid Dennis?
Just stay calm.
- [ Radio bleeps]
- Karsson is Mr. Snow.
Hey.
Stop.
I can work this out.
You can't work sh*t out.
[ Screams ]
- [ siren wailing]
- sh*t.
Are you hurt?
No.
- Where do you think he went?
- Wherever he feels safe.
Well, I'm on his tail now.
There's nowhere safe.
[sucks in air]
Ah, sh*t.
[sucks in air]
.[ phone beeps]
- [ Line rings]
- Hello.
- Dad.
Hi, princess.
Let me get your mom.
No.
I really need to speak to you.
What's going on?
You sound upset.
I'm not cut out for this job.
Are you kidding?
I spent 40 years on the force.
I know what makes
a good cop, Aubrey.
I'm not.
I can't do it.
I mean, maybe before
I lost John
I thought that I was brave
and intuitive like you, but...
I'm not.
I choked.
Dad, I choked.
Trust your gut.
When the time comes,
you'll know what to do.
[sighs]
Listen, don't go to the parade
tonight, Dad.
We have a situation
with one of the Santas
and he could be
really dangerous.
But don't tell Mom.
I don't want her to worry.
She doesn't have to worry.
This isn't the first time
a Bradimore had to bring down
a bad Santa.
You'll find him.
You'll catch him.
Good bye.
["O Tannenbaum" playing
on radio ]
Public enemy number one.
- It's double S.
- Is it?
Karsson... it's double S.
Double S...
double screwed.
Listen, the bars will close.
The whole town shuts down.
He can run, but he can't hide.
I want this son of a b*tch
behind bars before dawn,
or my aunt's my uncle.
I'm not so sure, Sheriff.
You're not so sure
about what, Deputy?
About Karsson.
He doesn't stack up.
- To what?
- As a suspect.
Don't put avocado
on the burger.
What?
Simple is always best.
Look, Karsson k*lled
Jordan and Alana,
then those two degenerates
at crazy Betty's motel.
Hell, he even tried to k*ll you,
didn't he? Have you forgotten that?
But Karsson was a coke dealer.
Why would he want to k*ll his clients
and what would be his motive
for k*lling Alana and Jordan
and the Monuood girl?
It doesn't make sense, sir, I'm sorry.
There you go again. Now you're
piling hummus on top of the burger too.
What if he was punishing them?
He knew Alana was cheating
on her husband.
He knew that Frank and Goldie
were making porn.
And who would know all that?
Someone they knew.
Someone they trusted.
You mean, like a drug dealer?
Sir, a drug dealer with morals?
Come on.
All right, I read
Brenda's magazine.
Christmas... the number one holiday
for people going nuts.
That's motive enough for me.
So I want you to get out there
and I want you to search every street.
Come on.
Past homicides around the holidays,
state by state.
Thanks.
Double S, my a*s.
[sighs]
Aubrey.
Joe, hi.
What's this I hear about a dead guy
over on Watson?
Someone said the body was
electrocuted.
I don't know anything
about that.
I didn't believe it either.
- [ Radio bleeps]
- [ Quietly] Karsson's here, close.
I can smell it...
the smell of fear.
Aubrey:
I don't smell it.
No. Well, that's not because
you are not attuned.
A crime fighter's senses
switch to something
almost primeval,
from when we hunted cave bears
and dinosaurs.
Sheriff, listen,
I have an article
from Metesca, Montana,
five years ago,
December 26th,
a multiple homicide.
The journal of the Santa from
"The Real Christmas Show"
puts him in Metesca
at the same time.
So?
We're looking
for the wrong Santa.
Epstein, we're coming in!
Sheriff:
Jesus, what a pigsty.
He lives in here?
Aubrey: No, he travels in it.
He's living at the motel.
What a smell.
See if you can find
any weapons.
We're looking
in the wrong place.
Just who the hell
do you think you are, Deputy?
Don't you tell me
how to suss out a perp,
not when you choked
the one time you had the chance.
I f*cked up.
Okay? I f*cked up, sir.
I have to live with that
for the rest of my life.
You can trust me.
♪ Mama Claus said, "Santa" ♪
♪ Mama Claus said, "Santa" ♪
♪ "Why do you look so down?" ♪
[song continues playing ]
[sighs]
♪ Can't you get on a sleigh,
get on your way? ♪
♪ The boys and girls are waiting
on Christmas Day ♪
♪ What's the matter with you? ♪
♪ Turn that frown around... ♪
- Daddy.
- ♪ Go, go... ♪
- You promised you'd stop smoking.
- ♪ Go, Santa, go, go... ♪
I will, honey
bunch, January 1st.
It'll be my
New Year's resolution.
I love you.
At least one of my girls
is still sweet.
Now you go get ready
for bed, okay?
Only if you say good night.
I will.
[chuckles]
[ laughing ] Come here.
What are you doing out here?
Tiffany says
you finished the guesthouse.
It's a doozy...
two bedrooms and a full bath.
I'm gonna show him.
- Make it snappy.
- Oh, yeah.
I want us all to drive into town
for the parade.
This won't take long.
[ chuckling ]
[distant laughter]
[ buzzes ]
[cell phone rings]
Jesus.
Mayor Revie.
Hi, sir. I just wanted
to wish you a Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Sheriff,
to you and the whole department.
Thanks for another year
of keeping our town safe.
Sheriff: I wanted to talk to you
about that, sir.
We have reason to believe
that we have a serial k*ller
at large in our community.
[straining]
Yes, I know, sir.
It is shocking.
I am doing everything
in my power
to make sure that this maniac
doesn't strike again.
You're breaking up, sir.
I can't...
Hello? Hello?
Hello.
- [ Phone beeps]
- Bloody cell phones.
Tiffany:
Poor Santa Claus,
giving out a million gifts,
never getting anything in return
except stale cookies.
It's true.
Santa gets shafted.
Well...
it's time to give back.
I'm gonna lighten Santa's sack.
h*, h*, h*.
[chuckling]
It looks like Santa's gonna
come early this year.
- [ Door opens]
- sh*t.
Is that my dad?
Don't stop.
I have a surprise for you.
Stay here.
[giggling]
- Have you been bad?
- f*ck, yeah, I have.
I'm ready when you are, k*ller.
[door squeaks]
Okay, I'm not laughing anymore.
You can...
[shouts, laughing]
You d*ck!
You should have seen your face...
classic.
How did you get over here
without me seeing you?
Get over where?
How did you get
from the bathroom
to the other side of the bed
without me seeing you?
I don't know what you're talking about.
I wasn't in the bathroom.
Okay, so the door opened
by itself?
Stop trying to scare me,
as*h*le.
You know what?
I'm over this now.
f*ck. Come on.
Look, there's nothing.
Come on, stop f*cking around
and let's...
[ screaming ]
[Dennis pounding] Tiffany!
Let me out of here!
What the f*ck?
Hey! Open UP!
Tiffany!
[ Screaming ]
[Dennis whimpering]
[bells jingling]
[ "O Come, All Ye Faithful"
playing ]
Santa, you forgot the cookies.
Sheriff: He's a wolf
in sheep's clothing,
hiding in plain sight.
Aubrey: I'll call Brenda,
get a vehicle description
and a license plate
for Jim Epstein.
Sheriff: He's Santa Claus,
remember?
The parade is
the perfect cover.
Nah, he'll be on foot.
- [ Radio bleeps]
- Is there any way
we can call off the parade?
I spoke to the mayor, told him
I had the situation
under control.
Listen, this freak
can't hide forever.
Sooner or later
they all make mistakes.
- [ Band playing "Jingle Bells"]
- [ Crowd cheering ]
Men:
h*, h*, h*!
Men:
Merry Christmas.
Man:
Watch out, man.
Man ♪2:
Watch it, buddy.
Fake-a*s Santas.
sh*t, are you seeing this?
It's Epstein.
Man: Hey, look out, man.
Come here.
sh*t, he's making a run for it.
- [ c*ck g*n ]
- [ Crowd screaming ]
- Is that a g*n?
- Get out of the way.
Man: Merry Christmas!
h*, h*, h*!
Father: Merry Christmas.
Oh.
- Hold still!
- Freeze!
You nasty,
sadistic little prick.
See?
I told you I'd get him.
Cuff him.
Get over here.
Cast your mind back,
Christmas, '08.
Remember where you were?
Probably some herpes-ridden
crotch of a town like this, I suspect.
- Sheriff: Deputy.
- Metesca, Montana.
Does that ring a bell
in that dumb skull of yours yet?
My mind is blissfully bereft
of the effects of campanology.
Yeah, well, four people were
m*rder*d there Christmas Eve.
The cops never found the k*ller.
Judicial ineptness is
a universal curse. I f*cking weep.
Yeah, well, six people
died here tonight.
I ask you,
what are the chances?
I'd say the odds of that
are pretty high.
Because it's that time
of the year, Sheriff.
Yeah, Christmas,
when people
go off the deep end.
Yeah, you know why.
'Cause they spend too much
and they drink too much
and they eat too much
and they think too much.
And they look around at all that
fake fun and happy laughter
and they go, "Where the f*ck
is my cup of joy, huh?
Where is my figgy pudding?
Where's my stocking
full of gifts?
Where's my Calvin Klein underwear,
my cable TV,
my replica Tim Tebow
NFL jersey?
Where's my fancy cologne?
Where's my gift-wrapped
Norman Rockwell wife,
huh, and my beautiful,
happy, smiling children?
Where?
Nowhere.
Where are my friends,
my beaming friends who worship
the f*cking ground I walk on
because I've had an awesome
f*cking year, man?"
And it doesn't take much
to put people over the edge, huh-uh.
Mm-mm, just a dirty look
or a bad word, yeah,
or a TV too loud
or some as*h*le behind you
leaning on his horn.
Ring-ring! It's a telemarketer,
"Give me money for Haiti,"
or the Democrats,
or National Suck-My-d*ck Week.
It's the most wonderful
f*cking time of the year!
But whatever it is
that you guys think I did,
I most certainly did not.
- [ Keys jingling]
- [ Handcuffs click]
Yeah! I'm Santa!
Who the f*ck do you think it is I am?
Charles Manson?
I don't understand
how he did it.
How does he go from
hearing kids' wishes
to going on a k*lling spree?
It just...
it doesn't make sense.
I told you before,
m*rder seldom does.
I want you to go look for
that other girl from the motel
and see if you can find
any more evidence.
You're good at that, yeah.
Giles and I will man the fort.
[ Whispers ] What the f*ck?
Karsson.
Turn around.
Turn around.
Turn around now!
Show me your hands.
Show me your hands, Karsson!
Don't make me laugh.
We both know
you don't have it in you.
[distant dog barking ]
Six-sided item... "snowflake."
Of course.
Oh, my God.
[siren wailing]
[line ringing]
Father: Hi, you've reached
the Bradimores.
- Leave a message.
- sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!
- Leave a message.
- sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!
[ Knocks on door]
Guess I'll be heading home.
Oh, yeah, huh?
Well, Merry Christmas then, eh?
♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪
♪ And a happy new year. ♪
What do you think this is,
"Glee"?
Go home.
Hey, and take the trash
while you're at it.
[sighs]
What is this, garbage day?
[ Heavy metal playing ]
[ coughs ]
[ knocks ]
Hello?
Sheriff:
What now, Deputy?
Listen, the red-and-white gift box
is a marker. He's marking his victims.
Don't be ridiculous.
I've got the k*ller
sitting in my jailhouse.
Listen, we got a box ourselves.
I'm going home to check on my parents.
Sheriff:
Calm down.
A lump of coal?
[ Electricity powers down ]
[click]
Son of a b*tch.
[c*ck g*n]
Oh, big mistake,
bringing a flamethrower
to a gunfight.
[g*nsh*t]
[ screaming ]
Mom! Dad!
Mom! Dad! Mom!
[clock ticking ]
Dad?
No.
[ Screams ]
[ mother sobbing ]
Aubrey!
He tried to stop
him, that monster!
- No!
- Mom, Mom, stop, stop, stop.
Look at me.
Look at me.
I'm going to go get him.
- I'm going to go get him.
- No, no, no.
No, no, Aubrey.
It's not safe!
[whimpering]
[ scraping ]
[scraping continues]
[muffled whimpering]
' [ Squeaks] ' [ Whimpering]
[click]
What's with the f*cking rain?
[ Brenda exclaims]
Hey, you as*h*le,
get me out of here.
Which f*cking dickwad deputy
are you, man?
I just want to get the names right
on the complaint form.
Deaf and dumb, huh?
All right, f*cking ret*rd,
out of my way.
[grunts]
Oh, you want to rumble, huh?
Okay.
f*ck you.
f*ck Christmas.
And f*ck your plastic face.
Not nice.
Oh, not nice?
I'm sorry.
[whimpers]
Brenda!
[ Rustling ]
- Brenda: Help!
- Brenda!
[ Exclaims ]
[g*nsh*t]
You f*cking b*stard!
My father was a good man.
[c*ck g*n]
[ sprays ]
[ sprays ]
[ clicks ]
[ screams ]
- Help!
- Brenda!
Help me!
Brenda.
[ Brenda sobbing ]
You're okay.
Get up. Get up.
[Brenda coughing]
[siren wailing]
Drop your weapon!
Ronald, please,
don't make me do this!
[g*nsh*t]
♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Holy night ♪
♪ All is calm ♪
♪ All is bright... ♪
[ Speed metal playing ]
♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Deadly night ♪
♪ All is calm ♪
♪ But soft, it ain't right ♪
♪ Round up the virgins ♪
♪ Bouncing in chains ♪
♪ Hear them all sobbing ♪
♪ And screaming in vain ♪
♪ Screaming in agony ♪
♪ Screaming ♪
♪ In agony ♪
♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Deadly night ♪
♪ Everyone saw
bloody red tonight ♪
♪ Shut all the toys ♪
♪ Better lock 'em up twice ♪
♪ Dash up the stairs
before losing your life ♪
♪ Cry as loud as you like ♪
♪ Nothing will
save you tonight ♪
♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Deadly night ♪
♪ The chorus is puking ♪
♪ At the sight ♪
♪ Hung by their ankles ♪
♪ And slaughtered with blades ♪
♪ Young little darlings ♪
♪ Just ripped at the seams ♪
♪ Screaming in agony ♪
♪ Screaming in agony ♪
♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Deadly night ♪
♪ Everyone saw
bloody red tonight ♪
♪ Shut all the toys,
better lock 'em up twice ♪
♪ Dash up the stairs
before losing your life ♪
♪ Cry as loud as you like ♪
♪ Nothing will save you tonight ♪
♪ Nothing will save you ♪
♪ Tonight ♪
♪ Nothing will save you tonight ♪
♪ Nothing will save you ♪
♪ Tonight ♪
♪ Nothing will save you tonight ♪
♪ Nothing will save you ♪
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Silent Night (2012)
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