01x03 - When Daddy Comes Marching Home

[bunniefuu]

[Humming]

What's happenin'?

Hey, what's happenin', man?
How's the paper route?

Aah!

[Humming]

How much money you got now?

Between here and
what I got at home,

I've got a grand total
of $174.75.

Wow! $175.

If I had $175,
you know what I'd get?

Mugged.

By me!

No, I'm not spendin'
a penny of this money.

$25 More and

My screenwriter's course
is paid for.

What do you
all want?

I think I'll have a scoop
of chocolate ice cream.

I'll have
a scoop, too.

Ok, here's a scoop:
you're fat!

Go ahead and laugh,

But I think
you all should know,

This is just
baby fat.

[Spluttering]

Baby fat?

Then how come you
haven't lost it yet?

'Cause he hasn't had
the baby yet.

What are you
goin' to have, raj?

Nothing.

Nothin'?
Uh-huh.

I heard you got more
money than muhammad ali.

I'm savin' what I got
and I need $25 more.

And where you gonna get
$25 more?

I don't know yet.

How soon do you
need this money?

In a week. That's when
the application is due.

I can talk to my brothers.
They make a lot of money,

Between convictions.

Skip it,
if you don't mind.

Hey, they're lookin' for
an usher at the movie house
on central.

Oh, really?

I saw the sign
there yesterday.
It might be taken by now.

But maybe not.
I'll see you later.

Thanks, shirley.

Oh, wow,

Now he's gotta get
his lips condemned.

It's open.

Sometimes, it's locked.

Roger thomas.
How are you?

Fine, thank you.

What do you want, kid?

I am here in pertinence
to the offer of employment

For the hireage
of an usher.

Yeah,
you got any experience?

More than
you would imagine.

Immediate seating
behind the desk!

Where did you work?

Radio city music hall.

You don't say!

That's in new york city.

Yeah, I know where it is.

One of the largest theaters
in the world.

I was lieutenant
usher in charge
of all the balconies.

Oh, you must have
a lot of marvelous stories.

As a matter of fact,
I do.

You know,
there are over--

[Coughs]

3,000 Seats
in radio city music hall,

And every seat
has its own story.

[Coughs]

But it's hard to talk
with someone sitting on you.

I'll give you $25 a week.
Take it or leave it!

$25 A week?

That's ridiculous.
In this day and age....

[Laughs]

You've got
to be kidding!

Ha!

I'll take it!

$190...

$200!

♪ Hollywood
ta-ta ta-ta ♪

What're you doin'
standing there?

I can stand wherever I want.

This is my house,

And my floor,
and my hallway.

And this is my hand

And it's goin' to say
hello to your butt!

[Phone ringing]

I'll get it!

[Phone ringing]

Hi, mama.

Hello, darlin'.

Hello.

This is dee,
who's that?

Yeah? Well, your mama!

Dee, who was you
talkin' to like that?

Probably one of
roger's fresh friends.

I said, "hello,"
very nicely.

"Hello,"
just like that.

And I was
standin' right here,
when you said it,

And I know
how you said it.

"Hello," just like that.
I said, "hello--"

Never mind what you said.

What did they say?

And he said, "who's that?"

And I said,
"this is dee, who's that?"

And he said, "your papa."

So I said,
"yeah? Well, your mama."

He said, "your papa"?
Is that all he said?

That's all.

See, I was upstairs

Watchin' roger hide
his writing school money,

Behind the picture.

Then the phone rang,

And I said, "hello,"
very nicely.

"Hello--"

[Phone ringing]

I'll get it.

[Phone continues ringing]

I said,
I'll get it.

It doesn't work
unless you pick it up, mama.

This is true.

Hello?

Oh, hello.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, you know
the address.

Mmm-hmm.

Who was it?

That was your daddy.

Did I ever see him,
mama?

Not so
you'd remember him.

He left home about a month
after you were born.

Tsk. You see how rotten
you are, dee?

You scared off
your own father at
the age of 4 weeks.

No, I didn't.
Tell him, I didn't, mama.

Oh, of course
you didn't, honey.

What's he want now,
anyway?

Well, he says he wants
to come by tomorrow
and see his children.

And you know,
I believe this is true.

But you can bet your life,
he's up to somethin' else.

Why?
Why?

'Cause that's your daddy.

He can charm
the cherries off the trees

And have them burnin'
in a flaming jubilee
before they hit the ground.

[Coughing]

[Gasping]

He'd better come quick.

My tie is
startin' to attack.

Why couldn't mama
quit work just one day

And be here for him?

[Knocking at door]

Oh!

Gee, I wish
he wasn't comin'.

Well then
just be yourself,

And he'll
leave immediately.

What's happenin'!

What'd you
do that for?

We thought
you were our father.

Dwayne's too young
to be your father.

That's funny.

Of course!

I mean the way your body
shakes, when you laugh.

[Knocking at door]

[Laughing]

Roger!

You're just as
I pictured you, huh?

The spittin' image
of your mama.

Um, he's not roger.

He's just
a friend.

Oh! That's a relief.

How you doin',
son?

I'm fine,
but I'm not "son".

That's "son,"
she's "daughter,"
and I'm dwayne.

Dwayne. Yeah,
it's a great name, dwayne.

Does seem a shame
that a father doesn't
know his own kids, huh?

How're you, son?

Hello, dad.

[Laughing]

Oh, dee!

Come on, dee.
Go to dad.

[Laughs]

Ahem.

Well...

Yeah, is your, uh--
is your mother home?

No. She's workin'.
She's always workin'.

Well, she's a great woman,
your mother.

Oh, roger.
These are your
friends, huh?

Yes sir. The one
that looks like mama
is called rerun.

Rerun, rerun...

Need to lose
a little weight there.

Now wait a minute--

No, no. Just kidding you.

Now we'll fix him up,
won't we, son?

We will?
Sure we will.

See, I'll be here
for a few days,
and we can, uh,

Start a good exercise
program for him.

Maybe, I can throw in some of
my old karate training.

Would you like that?

I sure would.

Can you sign me up, too?

You?

You look like
you're tough enough
as it is, dwayne.

Ah, no.

Well, he looks
tough to me.

But if you want
a karate lesson,
you got it.

Shake on it!

[Groaning]

Ooh, the pain,
dwayne.

[Screaming]

See there?
I told you, you was tough.

[Laughing]

Oh, hello, darlin'.

Don't get up.

[Rerun]
well, we'll see
you all later.

Yeah. Thanks again,
mr. Thomas.

All right!

Well, don't you
have a kiss for me?

If you want somethin' cold,
go look in the freezer.

Now, you kids
go wash up.

I'll have dinner ready
in a little while.

We're having turkey.

Hey!

Does that
include me?

You're the turkey!

[Laughing]

Stop, stop.

[Sighs]

I'd forgotten how much work
it was doing dishes for 4.

Yeah. Well, you sure didn't
forget how to cook.

Uh-hmm
[laughing]

Uh-oh.

What does
"uh-oh" mean?

"Uh-oh" means,
livin' in southern california,

I don't have
the proper clothing

For the snow job
I'm about to get.

And as long as I'm
givin' language lessons,

"Ta-ta."

That means, there's
a pillow in the closet.

Night-night.

My make-up's in here.

You don't need any make-up.

[Laughing]

[Phone dialing]

Hey, charlie?
It's bill.

Go ahead with the plans.

I'll have $100
by monday.

[Chuckling]

Yeah!

Ah, don't worry about it.
I'll get it.

[Sighs]

Oh, just checkin'
the weather.

Is it still there?

Hey! Hey!

1, 2, And stop.

All right.
Shake it out.
Shake it out.

Good. Good.

[Giggling]

What're you
laughin' at?

Rerun. He looks like
that plate of jello
durin' that earthquake.

Hey, why don't you go
outside and catch a bus...

With your teeth!

You're gonna let him talk
to me like that, daddy?

Of course not,
baby.

Come on, you guys!
I'll take you on
with one hand.

Oh!

[Chuckles]

Yow!

Ooh! You're gonna
get it!

[Dee]
when mama sees that
you're gonna get it!

And when is mama
gonna see this?

Right after I tell her!

Well, uh, ahem...

As commander
of this outfit,

I think it's time
for us to make
a strategic retreat.

Yes, now...

Where is the
nearest retreat

That sells sodas?

They also sell
sandwiches, too.

Follow me.

Follow him.
Son...

Is this yours?

Oh, yeah, thanks.
This is money--

My money I'm saving
for my writing course.

Writer-- you want
to be a writer, huh?

Yeah.
A movie writer, mainly.

And this is for that
famous movie writers
school in new york.

Uh-huh.

Send them $200,
and they send you
a 6 month course.

I see.
You got $200 in there?

Yeah, I'm sendin'
it in monday.

Oh, yeah, well, good.
Good for you.

You better put it in
a safe place, though.

Ok.

[Raj]
hey dad,
I wanna talk to you--

Oh! I forgot
my handkerchief.

Be right out. All right.

[Sneezing]

[Coughing]

One tuna, one chicken salad.
Who gets the tuna?

Me!

What's the matter?

I can't tell
which is which.

That's tuna.

That's chicken salad.

So why'd you
have to bite it?

If you knew that was the tuna,
then this has to be
chicken salad.

It does?

You're right.

You guys go ahead.
I'll be right back.

[Raj]
ok, daddy.

Raj, your dad
is the greatest!

Yeah, I guess he is ok.

Listen, I gotta go
to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.

Hey, wait up!

[Humming]

Rerun left his food here?

No.
He's coming back.

Well, I'll just
neaten it up for him.

[Toilet flushing]

Right, right.

I'll have a $100, maybe $200
in a couple of days.

Where do I
get it from?

[Chuckling]

From my wife, yeah.

No, she's still
crazy about me.

Now listen, charlie,

Once you have the magic,
you never lose it, huh?

[Laughing]
no.

Now, I'm gonna put the touch
on her for it tonight.

Did you hear that?

Uh-uh!

Yes, you did!

He's gonna rip off
roger's mama.

Yeah.

We got to tell roger.

Uh-uh.

What's the matter with you,
dwayne?

He has to know, so he can
look after his mama.

He's not goin' to hear
that his father is
out to cheat his mother.

Well, he has to know,
doesn't he?

Well, yeah.
But I'm scared to tell him.

All right, then come on.
I'll tell him.

Yeah, uh-huh...

Raj,

If I found out someone
was out to hurt your mama,

Wouldn't you want
me to tell you?

Or course, man.

And no matter who
it was tryin to hurt her,

You wouldn't get mad at me
for tellin' you, would you?

Of course not!

I knew it.

Well, someone's tryin'
to rip off your mama!

Who?
Tell him, dwayne.

Huh?

Who's tryin'
to rip my mama off?

Uh, someone.

Come on, man,
tell me!

Ok.

And then,
I'll tell my daddy!

Uh-oh!

Well, bill,

Time seems to have
finally done you some good.

You've been just wonderful
to the children.

Well, they're
great kids.

Nice, honest,
good lookin'.

Just like their mama,

[Chuckling]

Now you just save
all that sweet talk
for your lady friends.

Oh, come on, don't say that.
You know you are my #1.

Hey, wait a minute.

Remember this
picture of you?

Oh, that picture!

Oh, I was heavy then.

Well, I've been carryin'
it around with me
all these years.

Hey. And I never married
anybody else, either,
you know.

You didn't have to.

Why buy the chicken
when they're givin'
away the eggs?

I can't put anything
over on you!
Can i, baby?

You never could!

But I sure had fun tryin'.

Cut it out, bill.
Not now bill, stop.

Stop it, bill!

Bill, stop--

Hi mama.

Oh, yes, darling.

Hi, dad.

How're you doing, son?
Hey, where'd you guys
disappear to?

Oh, we had to take off
all of a sudden.

Oh, you sure did.

You want to eat
something now, darlin'?

No, I'll grab
a hot dog at the game.

Ok.

Hey, mabel,

Remember that little bar
we used to go to?

Let's go there tonight
before I leave.

We can have a few drinks,
get a little tipsy,

Then we can...

Talk! Talk!

About what?

Oh, this and that.

[Laughs]

Hey, dad, I've gotta
talk to you.

Right now?

Yeah, it's really
important.

And it's private, mama,
man to man.
C-c-could you step outside?

No, no, wait a minute.

You men stay here.
I'll go check on dinner.

Talk to your daddy,
honey.

You got a problem, son?

No, but I heard you do.

What?

Uh...

Do you know what
this envelope is?

Sure, sure...

That's where you keep $200
for your writing course.

Well, I want you
to have it.

What are you
talkin' about?

Listen, dad,
rerun and dwayne

Overhead your phone
conversation

With charlie
at the soda place.

Oh, yeah, well, that was--
that was business.

Dad, come on.

Hey, come on, son, listen.
It's a good deal.

Hey, you got to believe me.
I am your father.

I know,
so please, take this.

See, I don't want you
asking mama for any money.

Because if you do,
then she'll think

You didn't mean all that
kissin' and sweet talk.

Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

I do care about her.

Oh, I know.
And I care about you.

That's why I want you
to have this.

It's ok.

Well, all right,

But it's only temporary.

You'll get this money back
before you know it.

Oh, I know.

Cold drinks, anybody?

Ahem. Uh...

Mabel, I'm gonna have to

Take a raincheck
on our date this evenin'.

Oh? Is that right?

Yes, well,
you see i--

I was checking
my old bus schedule here,

And, well, if I don't
catch that 7:30,

That means I'll have
to hang around here
for another day, you know.

And, well, I just have so many
things to do and I can't.

Well, I guess you better
get goin' then, right?

Bill.

Goodbye, baby.

Goodbye, bill.

Goodbye, son.
Goodbye, dad.

Don't forget to say goodbye
to dee for me, too.

I will.

You know somethin', roger,

I think your daddy is
finally improvin' with age.

I really thought he was
gonna put the bite on me

For some cash,
but he didn't.

No, mama. Daddy is
gonna be just fine!

I think so, too!

[Humming]

♪ Bill, bill, bill, bill

Hey raj, you ready?

We just saw
your dad leavin'.

He sure looked happy.

Yeah, man,

He was smilin'
from east to west.

Did he hit on
your mother
for that money?

Not a penny.

So you were all wrong.
He must have been kiddin'.

I told you that,
dwayne!

Huh?

Come let's-let's go,
we might be late
for the game. Let's go.

[Mabel]
roger!

You all go ahead,
I'll catch up with you!

What is this $200 doin'
lyin' all over your bed?

Oh, this is the money

I was saving for my
writing school course.

But where's the envelope
you keep it in?

Uh, I threw it out.

Threw it out, huh?

Yes, ma'am.

And what was you and your
daddy talking about, huh?

Oh, this and that!

"This and that," huh?

Well, somethin' tells me
"this and that"

Has a lot to do with
this money in my hand

And that "bus schedule"
in your father's pocket!

[Squeals]

[Laughing]

Mama?

Yes, baby.

I can't breathe!

[Laughing]

Hi, mama.

Hello, darlin'.

Oh, roger, you got
a letter from your dad.

I did?

Well, don't sound
so surprised.

He can write, you know.

I got one, too.

Still filled
with the same lines, hmm...

But he sure
says somethin' nice
about you kids, though.

[bill]
dear son,

i'm really proud of you.

it takes a great con man

to con me.

here's $10 for you and
give your sister a kiss.

love, dad.

What's that
dumb letter say?

Oh, nothing much.

How come he didn't
write me a letter?

He mentioned you in mine.

He sends you money
and "mentions" me.

It just so happens
the "mention" says

"Give your sister
half the money."

Oh, boy!

Wow!

Thank you,
daddy!

[Dee]
now, I'm gonna hide this
in my secret place.

"Here's $10 for you
and give your sister a kiss.

Love, dad."

Well, it's worth at least $5
not to kiss her!