01x04 - My Three Tons

[bunniefuu]

♪ [music playing on t.v.]

[audience clapping]

[audience whistling]

far out!
i say that's the rockets,
they're the greatest.

you've gotta trust
the old wolfman.
yes, indeed.

they gonna be opening
this saturday in the p.m.

at sidney's on the strip!

that's "the rocket."
5 sh**ting stars

looking for another star
to join them
in their solar system.

that's right,
all you pals and gals,

with a gallon of talents
in your neat feet.

you bring your thing
right down here to the studio

anytime today or tomorrow,

and you can be
the lucky local folkal

the rockets gonna pick
to stick in their act,

and that's a fact!

become a rocket,

and get a little bread
in your pocket.

and now, here they are,
gladys knight and the pips.

[audience clapping]

I love gladys knight
and the pips.

Forget gladys knight
and the pips.

Didn't you hear
what he said?

There's having tryouts
for dancers

To join the rockets.

So what?

So, you can be a rocket, man.

You, a rocket?

Man, there's not enough
outer space for you.

[Laughing]

Yeah, you're
too fat.

I can't help being fat.

It runs in my family.

Nobody runs
in your family.

They all waddle.

Dee, why don't you
get out of here?

No, I agree
with her, rerun.

All the rockets
are skinny.

Now, put on gladys knight
and the pips.

[Rerun]
uh-uh.

You know, if I were
gladys knight,

I'd fire those 3 guys

And hire you
as one huge pip.

Yeah, you could record
for "mo'-ton" records!

There will be no more
fat jokes around this house!

Yeah. I'm getting
sick of them!

Shut up, dee.

Did you hear that,
mama?

I heard it.

Good.

And I agree with it.

Me too. See you later.

Now, I mean it.

I don't want to hear
no more fat jokes
around here.

Nobody wants
to be fat.

That's right.
I hate being fat.

Well, if you did
make it with the rockets

It would be
even better
than a diet.

All that dancing
and rehearsing...

You could take off
10 pounds a week.

There you go.

Then in 12 weeks
you'd lose about, um...

120 Pounds.

Well, at least
that's a start.

Oh, did I say that?

She's right!

I'm going down
to that tryout.

Anybody coming?

Yeah, we'll be
right with you.
Come on, man.

♪ [Music playing]

Would you spell
that for me, please?

S-t-u...
S-t-u...

B-b-s
b-b-s.

Thank you.

Uh, miss! Miss!

Excuse me.
Hi, sweetheart.
Bert frederick!

I'm with
the william morris agency.

Oh, and, uh,
frankie taylor.

Uh, have a seat,
mr. Frederick.

We'll call you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.
You were super.

Uh, super, baby!
Super!

Really?

Super, baby!
I'm telling you,

You were super, baby!

Hey, guys, we just
saw "superbaby"!

[All laughing]

Who was that
other guy?

That was his agent.

All these guys
today had agents,
rerun.

Yeah, I know.

I wish I had one.

Excuse me.

Yes.

Are you his agent?

That's right.

I'm his agent.

Well...

How do you do?
Bert frederick,
william morris.

Oh, roger everett
gerald thomas.

Glad to meet you,
mr. Morris.

You see, I'm not
"mr. Morris."

Oh, I thought
you said--

No, no, frederick,
bert frederick.

I'm with
william morris.

Oh, sorry.

That's all right.

Hi, william,
nice to meet you.

Dwayne, rerun,
this is william morris.

I'm not
william morris!

Who is this clown?

I don't know.

That's
bert frederick,

He's with some guy
named william morris.

Ah, freddy stubbs.

That's him!
That's me!

Please, gentlemen!
I'll do the talking.

That's him!

That's a "him"?

[Guffawing]

Looks more
like a "them"!

Come on!

Gentlemen,
meet freddy stubbs.

Hey, freddy!
How're you doing?

I'm his agent,

Roger everett
gerald thomas.

All right, all right.

Freddy,
where's your music?

Oh, uh...

Uh, what music are you
ref-referring to, exactly?

The music he's going
to dance to.

Oh, that music.

Where is it?

"Where is it?"
Uh, you want it now?

Right now!

Right.

♪ Tiptoe through
the tulips ♪

♪ La, la, la-la,
la, la, de-da... ♪

♪ [Music playing]

[Whistling]

Hey, hey, fellows, fellows!
Lemme see what you
look like with him.

You gotta
be kidding!

No, no, no, no,
try, try, try it once.

[All applauding]

[All]
all right!

Not bad!
Not bad at all.

Yeah. Say, where can I get
a hold of you, uh,

What was your name,
again?

Uh, roger thomas.

Roger thomas.

My card!

My pen!

You're gonna be
at this number
for a while?

Well, we have a lot of
other appointments,

But we should be
at that number till, uh...

November.

I'll call you.

All right!

Thanks a lot,
fellas.

Super, baby,
really super! Super!

Hey, gary,
how are you, baby?

Hi, bert.
How are you doing?

Can you wait
a minute?

Sure.
All right.

Listen, you guys
go ahead.

I forgot my sports magazine.
I'll catch up.

Ok, d.

Uh, excuse me.

What?

That's my own
personal magazine.

So?

So, I hope you enjoy it.

And if you want
to thank me,

I'll be sitting right here
when you get done.

[Gary]
say, bert...

Hey, gary.

Uh, look, uh,
we've been friends,

And I don't want to
give you a runaround.

What are you
talking about?

Well, there's no sense in
your kid here, rehearsing,

Because, well, the guys
liked the little fat guy
that just left here

And we're gonna
going to go with him.

What? Come on, I mean,
you gotta be kidding me.

I mean, you could
have frankie here,

And you guys like
that--that--that
bathtub?

Come on, I mean,
frankie's a dancer.

That kid is dancer, prancer,
donner, and blitzen.

I know. That's why
we want him.

He's funny. He adds
comedy to the act.

We can write some
great fat jokes,
add some insults.

Lets face it,
baby,

Without comedy today,
you're dead.

Yeah, sure, ok.

Come on.

Say,

You're a friend
of the fat kid's,
aren't you?

Uh-huh.

Well, tell him
he's got the job.

I'll tell him.

By the way,
what's his name?

Oh, his nickname is rerun,
but his real name
is freddy stubbs.

Perfect!
Freddy stubby!

No, no, no, stubbs!

I love it!

Fat freddy!
Tell him he got the job, ok?

Uh-huh.

And tell him
to be here tomorrow

At 3:00 for rehearsals.
Got it?

Uh-huh.

And tell him, from now on,
his name is fat freddy stubby!

Uh-uh!

I love it.
5 Rockets and a moon!

They should've
called by now.

Hang up
that phone!

Why?

I told you, we're expecting
an important call.

Well, this is
important, too.

[expl*si*n on t.v.]

Did you see the pig
hit the bell
and blow up the circus?

Hang up that phone, dee!

Who says so?

Me.

And who are you?

The defendant in
your m*rder trial!

I gotta hang up now.

They may have
tried to call.

[Roger]
yeah, probably.

Let's call them
and ask if they
tried to call.

[Knocking on door]

They decided
to come over!

Come in!

Where were you?

You said you gonna get
your magazine
and catch up with us.

Yeah, well,
I was delayed.

Hey, what's that
on your shirt?

Oh, I spilled
some chocolate malt.

You stopped at
the soda shop?

Yeah, I needed a drink.

What's the matter
with you, man?

Don't you know all that
chocolate stuff is fattening?

I mean, I know I'm fat,

But I'm really going
to do something about it.

I'm going on a diet
right now!

That's great, rerun!

I may become a rocket,

And I'm going to
look like a rocket...

Tall, thin,

And with sparks
flying from my bottom.

All right!

The day of the fat joke
is over, man.

[Roger]
amen!

I've got a chance to be
hired by the rockets,

Just for being
a good dancer.

Amen!

I wish
they'd call.

Yeah, me, too.

They won't call.

How do you know?

'Cause when I went back
for my magazine

They told me
what they decided.

So what did
they decide?

Um, they decided
to hire rerun.

[Laughing excitedly]

Is that all
they said?

Uh-uh.

What else did they say?

They said that rerun
should be there tomorrow
for a rehearsal at 3:00.

I'll be there.

Did they say
anything else?

Well--

Did they say anything,
you know, like,
why they hired him,

How good he is, his dancing,
or something special?

Well, did they?

No.

What's the difference?
I got the job!

[Both laughing]

What's with you, dwayne?
This is a big day, man.

I mean, I was a great agent,
and rerun got a great job.

Yeah, why are
you so down?

This is my best shirt.

Let's go.

Where?

Down to denson's and get me
some really bad rags.

You gonna spend money
on new clothes?

Sure. I don't want to look
like a joke out there.

I want to look like
one of the dancers.

Yeah, we're gonna get
some stuff just like
the rockets wear.

They won't have his size.

How do you know?

They don't even have
a dressing room his size.

Oh, be quiet, dee.

Come on, star.

You coming?

No. I think, I'm gonna try
and wash this stuff out.

You go ahead.
I'll see you later.

The only thing
they got at denson's

That'll fit him
is the parking lot.

How d'you like that?

Oh, man...

Hey guys,

I want you to meet
sam persky,

The best joke writer
in the business.

Hi, fellas!
How're you doing?

Let's hear
the fat jokes, sam.

Ok! Now look,
fellows.

Here's how you
bring him out, right?

Ladies and gentlemen,

Here's the newest rocket.

Well, he's not
really a rocket.

He's, uh, more
like a guided mess.

[Laughing]

Fat freddy stubbs,
right?

Now he comes out,
right,

Starts to dance,
right?

Well, while
he dances by

One of you guys
throw some line like,

"He's so fat,
they have to weigh him
on a richter scale."

[Laughing]

[Gary]
I love it.

He loves it!

He loves it!

You missed this.

Ok, that look's better.

Uh-huh.

Well, darling,

I think you have to make
your own decision.

Well, I want to tell rerun
they're just going
to make fun of him,

But he' s so happy
about getting the job.

I don't want
to make him feel bad.

But he'll find out sooner
or later, won't he?

Yeah, but maybe
he won't mind.

I mean,
maybe he doesn't care

If people make
fat jokes about him.

Oh, he cares, honey.
Believe me, he cares.

But he usually laughs.

I used to laugh, too.
But not at first.

Hmm, how
I used to cry.

But when I got older,

I learned to laugh
instead of cry.

And I was so sick
of those people who
made all those jokes.

And I didn't think
too much of myself

For laughing
at them, either.

Well, what should you do
when people make fun of you

For being fat?

Well, I would say,

"That's not very funny."

And then
I'll sit on 'em!

Ladies and gentlemen,

Presenting
the fabulous new star,

Rocket rerun stubbs!

What's happening?

Good lord!

How do I look?

Like someone spilled
liberace all over you.

Did you pay
for all that?

He spent every
penny he had,

And it was
well worth it.

Well, what do
you think, dwayne?

Well, what do
you think, dwayne?

Dwayne?

Rerun, I gotta
tell you something.

I don't want you
to get mad at me.

Why would I get
mad at you?

There's nothing you could
tell me today,

That could get me mad.

Well--

I mean,
today I became a rocket.

Yeah--

Today I became "rocket rerun"
instead of "freaky freddy."

Today I got a job
because of me!

[Laughs]

Yeah,
I'll see you later.

Dwayne, tell him.

Tell me what?

It's about
why they hired you.

They want you to be
a rocket just because
you're fat.

They think
that's funny.

How do you know?

He knows.
He heard them talking.

Now, what are you
gonna do about it?

Would crying help?

I don't think so.

Maybe I'll k*ll myself.

Rerun,

Pull yourself together.

My arms are too short.

I think I have
a better idea.

Yes.

It's about time
we taught people

Who make fun of
fat people a lesson...

And I've got
the perfect lesson.

Come on.

Gary, what's
the hang up?

There's no hang up.
There's no hang up.

One of our guys is just
a little late.

I know one of your guys
is just a little late.

The fat one,
and he's the whole act.
Where is he?

I don't know.
He was here at rehearsal,

And he said he'd be here.
He'll be here.

He'll be here.

Who are you?

Freddy stubbs'
assistant agent.

He said he'd be ready
for his introduction.
You can start at any time.

Where is he?

He's tinkling.

All right,
here we go.

He's what?

Hey! Thank you very much
for waiting,
ladies and gentlemen,

But it's certainly worth
waiting to see.

Now, here they are,
the hottest group
in the country.

Just seen last week
on t.v. And soulstuff,

The rockets!

♪ [Music playing]

[Audience clapping]

Thank you.
Thank you.

And now,
here's our newest rocket,

But, actually,
he's not a rocket,

He's a blimp!

A blimp!

I'm sorry,

Meet big fat freddy stubbs!

[Audience clapping]

[Audience exclaims]

[Clapping continues]

You ain't fat!

No, but your
head is!

[Audience laughing]

Oh, that's a marvelous
tailoring job,

If I must
say so myself.

Yeah.

The fat jokes
won't work!

Yeah, and neither
will you!

What do
we do?

Dance! Dance!

♪ [Music playing]

[Audience clapping]

[Audience clapping]

[Audience clapping]

[Audience laughing]

[All laughing]

Wow, thanks, mrs. Thomas.
That was a great idea.

I can't remember
when I enjoyed
myself more.

But the--the best part
was when the owner
turned the place

Into cape canaveral

And fired every rocket
in sight!

But the worst part
was your dancing!

Raj, you are terrible!

That's because I was
trying to be bad.

The fact is,
I'm a great dancer.

You've seen me
at parties.

You know, I'm very light
on my feet.

Yeah, and very heavy
on everybody else's.

Dee,
we're home.

Fellas,

I got us all a nice, big
chocolate pudding cake.

Mmm, and I will
get it out.

Skip me, raj.

Say what?

You're going to skip
chocolate pudding cake?

Yeah.

Uh, skip mine,
too, raj.

I'll just have
a small piece.

Ok, I'll just have
a big one.

I'm really proud
of you, rerun.

You've got
great will power.

I mean, I know
how hard it must be

To pass up
chocolate pudding cake.

With all that
sweet chocolate pudding,

And that creamy
whipped cream topping,

And that gushy
chocolatey middle.

How would you like me to
"gush" your middle, dwayne?

Hey, mama.

What happened
to the cake?

What do you mean
"what happened to the cake?"
What's wrong with it?

I don't know if there's
anything wrong with it.

Because it's
not here.

Mama,

I don't feel too good.

[Knocking on door]

Come in.

Hi, mrs. Thomas.
Is raj home?

No, darling. He went
to the store.
But he'll be right back.

Come on in
and wait for him.

Thanks.

I'm sure glad
my rocket outfit
didn't go to waste.

Roger's new suit
really looks sharp.

Thank you, rerun.

I bet you had enough material
left over to make curtains

And a tablecloth.

Now, there you go
putting yourself down again.

You're not that fat.

Aw, come on.
You're putting me on.

I'm not putting you on,
rerun.

You're a little plump,
that's all.

As a matter
of fact,

All I had left over
from your suit

Was just
a few pieces of material.

That's all.

[Door opens]

Hi, rerun.
Mama, can I watch t.v.?

Oh, my...

That's a very nice outfit

You have on there, dee.

Thank you.

Wait till you see
my jacket.