01x06 - The Burger Queen

[bunniefuu]

You better
pin him.

Come on,
come on, rerun!

Honey,
get that boy.

Come on, rerun!

Dwayne, you're losing.
You better win.

C'mon win,
man.

[Yelps]

Right on, man.
You pay for the sodas.

Yeah.

Next, next.

Anybody want to play
for hamburgers?

Let's go.

I'll wrestle you
for my tip-o, hippo.

You gotta
be kidding, shirley.

Kidding?

Does this look
like a smile?

No, it looks like
a garbage disposal.

[Scoffing]

Let's go.

All right.

If you win,
I'll tip you a quarter.

Ok.

If I win,
I don't tip you anything,

O-- you never tip me anyway.

That's because
I never had any money.

I'm about to be rich
and famous.

Oh, hmm-mmm?

What, are you gonna be
the centerfold

For this month's
"fat boy" magazine?

No, I'm going to be on t.v.
Doing commercials.

I'm trying out
tomorrow.

That's right, shirley.
He's doing one of those
hamburger commercials.

Ok, star!
Pick up your arm.

And don't cheat,
either.

Let me get my elbow
straight here, first.

Watch it, fool.
That's my thumb, sucker!

Hold still!

Come on.

You say "go," dwayne.
Go!

[Gasping]

I wasn't ready!

Hand it over, rover!

[Cook]
shirley! Pick-up!

Ok.

Hey, hey, hey!

What's happening?

Shirley just beat rerun,
arm wrestlin'.

Who asked you,
dwayne?

Oh, well--well,
raj did, see...

He just walked in
and said,

"Hey, hey, hey,
what's happening?"

And you see, I said,

"Shirley just beat rerun,
arm wrestling."

Why don't you
shut up, dwayne?

Did dee get here, yet?

I haven't seen her.
How's your uncle?

Oh, he's better.
My mama called
from phoenix last night.

Your mama
coming home soon?

I hope so.

Man, taking care of dee
is like taking care
of poison ivy.

It's worse, man.

You can cure poison ivy.

There you go,
rerun.

Ooh!

Shirley!

Oh, I took my winnings
in meat.

Hey, shirley!

Shirley, bring me
an orange soda.

Where have you been?

School. Buy me a soda.

I don't have any money
to buy you a soda.

You got money.

You had a dollar
on your dresser this morning.

That's my money.

It was for lunch
and I spent it.

If I don't get
an orange soda fast,

I'm gonna have
one of my throat attacks

And pass away.

Uh-huh.

Uh-oh,
here it comes.

[Bellowing]

[Clearing throat]

Help, orange.

Here, here, girl,
you drink this fast!

Here!

[Slurping]

Thank you. I believe
I'm coming around.

Hey, well, finish that
and let's get going.

I got a lot of homework.

You said you were
gonna help me

Rehearse
my commercial tonight.

I will.
Come over around 8.

Oh, you really think
you got a chance

For that part in the
bridgeburger commercial?

Chance?

You've heard me sing,
haven't you?

Uh-huh.

And you've seen me
dance, right?

Uh-huh.

Well, then,
do I have a chance?

Uh-uh!

Do have to sing and dance
on that commercial?

Yeah, they want someone
who can sing and dance.

Eating burgers
on 50 bridges,

In 50 states.

Oh, man, you'd be traveling
all over the country.

And make a fortune.

Can you see me
dancing on t.v.,

Across the
golden gate bridge,

Into san francisco?

Yeah.

Yeah, and starting
another earthquake.

Are you making fun of me
being fat, again?

You're not fat again,
you were always fat.

Mmm!

Mmm, ladies
and gentlemen,

That's
scrum-deliumptious!

Get yourself a bridgeburger
and cross over to pleasure.

That's a joke, dwayne.

What else are you gonna do
on your auditions, rerun?

Well, after
my big crossover joke,

Uh, I'm going to
give 'em my big number.

What're you
going to do?

Raj, put on that record.

Dwayne, you just
sit there and watch.

Now, just imagine
this on television,

Getting people to
buy a bridgeburger.

♪ [Music playing]

♪ First you take
a piece of meat ♪

♪ Then you broil it
in some heat ♪

♪ Then you shove it
in a bun ♪

♪ But you've
just begun the fun ♪

[Roger]
yeah.

♪ 'Cause you gotta
get tomatoes ♪

♪ And a few
french-fried potatoes ♪

♪ And you add them
to our spice ♪

♪ With our special
sauce that's nice ♪

Yeah!

Right!

♪ Then you add
a piece of lettuce ♪

♪ It's the best
that they can get us ♪

Go ahead, rerun.

♪ Hey! Yeah! Yeah!

♪ Then you eat.
And then you eat
and then you eat ♪

♪ Yeah!

Right on!

John, put that down,
and get over here!

Don't do that.
You have to be good
when you go in there

And you're not
paying attention.

Look at your hair.

Why didn't you comb her hair
before she came?

He is not a she!

He is a he.

Well, she looks
like a she to me.

Are you, uh,
all together?

Are you?

Why couldn't you have
left dee at home, raj?

Because I promised my mama
I'd take her everyplace.

She won't get in the way.

She better not ruin my chance
of getting this job.

She won't.
Don't worry.

Are you an actor?

Certainly.
Are you?.

Uh, no, I'm with rerun.
He's the actor.

[John]
oh, is he?

How do you do.
John stevens.

I just want to wish you
all the luck in the world.

I know we're both up
for the same part.

You want to
arm wrestle for it?

How droll.

Have you ever done
little theatre?

He can't fit into
a little theatre.

Uh, have you ever taken
any acting classes?

Uh, no, I act by ear.

I've studied "the method"
under strasberg.

He's taught me to hide
behind the character.

My favorite role is
stanley kowalski in streetcar.

Stella! Stella!

What's your favorite role?

tootsie.

Uh, john stevens!

Oh, oh yes!
Here we are, sir.

Come along, john.
This is your turn.

Oh, yes.

Well, I see that john has been
in all in the family,

happy days,
laverne and shirley,

Had a bit part
in the omen,

And has done
3 commercials.

Yes, that's right.

Well, your credits
are very impressive,

But you've been
seen too much.

We're looking for a new face
for television.

Then, I'm your man.

He said "new,"
not ugly.

Thank you very much.

But, wait!

He--he can work
without his glasses.

I--i could put
my hair back.

I'm awfully sorry...

[Laughs]

You should be!

Now, who's next?

Me! I'm--i'm
freddy stubbs.

Oh? Oh, yes, yes.

We got an application on you
in the mail yesterday.

Let's see, uh,
stubbs, fred.

Uh, oh,
you know what,

You--you didn't list
your, uh, experience.

Uh...
Of course not!

We understood that
you wanted someone

Who hasn't had
too much exposure.

Well, mr. Stubbs has
limited his experience

To the broadway stage.

My favorite role
is stanley kowalski,

In streetcar.

Stella!

Ooh, ooh stella, you,
oh, you dirty rat!

Oh, stella. Ooh!
Oh, stel--

You've done
no film work at all?

Well, he did
a little thing called jaws.

What part did you play
in jaws?

I was his main meal.

Well, you see, the actor
that we're going to hire

For this commercial
will get to do the eating.

You'll enjoy that.

If he enjoys this junk,

He's a better actor
than I thought.

Dee!

Raj!

What's in here, anyway?

[Laughs nervously]

You have to excuse, uh,
my little sister, uh,

She speaks but knows not
what she says.

No!

No, no, no,
that's quite all right.

Tell me, little girl,

What do you think
is in there?

Something that's
supposed to be meat.

Mr. Reynolds, could you
come out here, please?

Suppose I were
to tell you,

That that is all meat,



So?

So...

That means
that it's very good.

Oh, yeah?

A jackass is
a 100 percent meat,

But I don't see anybody
standing in line to eat one.

Maybe we should
go now.

I'll take my
little sister home,

Then you can
interview mr. Stubbs.

Buy a bridgeburger
and cross over to pleasure.

Cross over to your chair
and sit down, please.

Did you call me,
mr. Claxton?

Yes, yes. Uh,

I--i--i want this little girl
to meet mr. Reynolds.

Uh, who--who is
mr. Reynolds?

Who is mr. Reynolds?
Oh, who is mr. Reynolds?

Why, he--he is the president
of bridgeburger incorporated.

The president!

♪ First you take
a piece of meat ♪

♪ Then you broil it
in some heat ♪

♪ Then you shove it
in a bun ♪

"Shove it?"
Yeah.

"Then you shove it"?

No, we don't "shove" it.

We never "shove" it.

We--we place it
carefully in a bun.

Is this why you
called me in here?

No, no, no, no.

Look at her face.

It is an advertising
man's dream.

That face
could sell anything.

I think that
we should make

That little girl,
miss bridgeburger.

Make her
miss bridgeburger?

You're right.
It's a terrible idea.

I love it!

Oh, so do i.

Little girl,

[Stuttering]
what is her name?

Oh, dee.
Dee thomas.

Dee dee thomas.
Isn't that cute?

Lovely.

Little girl, how about it,
little dee dee?

My name is not dee dee,
it's dee!

And I don't want to be
any miss bridgeburger.

But why not?

You'll be as famous
as ronald mcdonald,

And rodney allen rippey.

What's wrong with that?

They don't have to eat
jackass meat.

Jackass meat?

No, no, no.

It--it--it is not
jackass meat!
It is beef! Beef!

100 Per cent pure beef
that we shove into those--

"Shove"?

Of course not,
i--i...

Young man,

Contingent upon
a successful screen test,

We are prepared to offer
your little sister here,

A substantial
amount of money.

Uh, oh, well, then, uh,
as her business manager

Of this highly talented
young actress,

I'm prepared to accept it.

Now, bear in mind,
she will have to leave school,

Travel with the tutor
to all 50 states

In order to do
commercials

On 50 bridges
across the nation.

Oh, that's fine.

And if you'd want her
to jump off one or 2,

We can work
that out, too.

B-but what about rerun?

Who?

Me! I'm the actor.

I'm the one
she came with.

Unfortunately,
that's the problem.

You see, you're an actor,
we want a personality.

Now, could--could
you get--

Could you get a hold
of little dee dee's
mommy or daddy,

So that we can
sign the contracts?

Sure.

My mama is away

And she ain't going to sign
any contracts

To let me
go out of school,

And travel around
the country.

And I don't
want to anyway!

[Coughs]

Look, claxton, if the child
doesn't want to--

The child will want to.

And the child's mother
will be here

With the child
this afternoon.

But by the time
she gets home from phoenix--

♪ She'll be rising

Sings and
everything.

My mother will be here
this afternoon.

Now, what else?

Well...

Good, dee.

Really, really good.

And if you want
to stay that way,

You better eat every hamburger
they give you.

They said mama
had to come.

Hey, I'm handling your career.
Let me worry about that.

By the time mama
finds out about this,

You're gonna be
in big trouble.

Hmm, by the time mama
finds out about this,

We're going to be
in big money.

And mama will be glad
we did this.

Well, if she's gonna be
so glad we did this,

Why don't you pick up
the phone and call her?

Because I'm so positive
she'll say it's ok,

I don't want to waste
the money on the call.

Well, if we're gonna be
so rich, we can afford it.

I'll look her up
and call her.

You do and my knuckles
will do the walking.

[Knocking on door]

Hey!
Hey there, raj!

What's happening?

Come on,
or we're gonna be late.

Hey, I'm sorry, man.

If dee wasn't there, you might
have gotten the job.

No. You heard
what the man said.

He wanted personality,
not a real actor.

Stella!

Yeah, ok.

Ooh, stella. Oh, you,
I'm gonna get you.

Ooh--

Uh, hey, hurry up,
we're late!

She's getting
all dressed up?
Yeah.

You got the money?

Yeah, I got
$10.

You promised her $15.

She'll do it for $10,
then I'll owe her $5.

You promised me 2.

Here she comes.

This isn't going to work.

She ain't gonna
look like my mama,

And we're all going to jail.

You look great, mama.

"Mama" me
my money, sucker.

What is you
looking at?

Looks like an oak tree.

I can't tell you
what a wonderful
daughter you have.

I know you can't.

Uh, yes...

Exactly how old is she?

Around 10.

Around 10?

Is she 10 already?

Yes, she's 10!

And when is she
going to be 11?

Next year, fool.

Yes, yes, yes.

Mama certainly has
a delightful sense of humor,

Does she not?

Yeah, dee will be 11
on september 17.

That's perfect.

All right. Are you ready,
little darling?

I guess so.

Here we go.

[Cameraman]
all right! Tape's rolling.

Quiet everyone, now,

We're going
to try one.

All right,

And...

Action!

Action!

Action, dee, action.

I don't know
about any action.

The man just told me
to stand here,

And say the dumb words.

That's what "action" means.

Just say the dumb words.

Dumb words?

There are
no dumb words, claxton.

I know, I know, uh,
of course not.

All right, now, uh--uh,
go ahead, please.

Hi! I'm standing here
on the golden gate bridge

In san francisco,

And I can't think
of a bridge

Without thinking
of a bridgeburger.

But you don't think
of bridgeburgers,

You eat them.

Needs ketchup!

Cut! Cut!
Stop it! Stop it!

No, no, no, no, no.

You--you--you shouldn't say
that it needs ketchup.

Well, it does.

I can't eat jackass meat
without ketchup.

It is not
jackass meat.

It is beef.


Now, if you want
more ketchup,

We'll get you
more ketchup.

Ketchup!

Oh, here it is.

All right, uh, now,
let's just pick it up

From where she raises
the bridgeburger.

Ok.

Dee dee, ok.

[Claxton]
go, dee-dee, go!

You didn't say, "action."

All right, action!

But you don't think
of bridgeburgers,

You eat them.

Cut! Cut!

Stop! Stop! Stop!

What'd I do wrong?

No, no, no,
you--

You dripped your gush
out of the jackass burger.

[Inaudible]

[Claxton]
burgey-wurger.

[Chuckling]

Bridgeburger!

Oh, I'm sorry,

But it was better, though,
with the ketchup.

Really?
You like ketchup?

Uh-huh!

All right, let's get her
a fresh bridgeburger

With extra ketchup
on it.

Get things moving,
claxton.

Uh, all right.

And action!

But you don't think
of bridgeburgers,

You eat them.

I'm sick.

Cut! Cut!
Stop! Stop!

You're sick?

Yeah.

From what?

Ketchup.

I always get sick
from ketchup.

Then why did you want ketchup
on your little hamburger?

Because I love ketchup,
it just makes me sick.

Mrs. Thomas.

Mrs. Thomas!

Mom!

Mama!

Mama!
Huh, huh?

Go and see
about your daughter.

Daughter?
Oh, yes, yes!

Dee!

Now this situation is--

Hey, will you back off
of me-- give me room.

Hey, let me taste
that sucker.

"Sucker!"

Hey, these aren't
bad at all.

They're lousy.

No, they're not.
They're good.

Now, see, the reason
why they taste so bad to you

Is 'cause you're always
eating those bad hamburgers

In cheap places.
I already told you about that.

Let me have
another one of these.

I guess,
I'll try one.

Hey!
Huh?

Get one of your own.
Those are mine.

Cut! Cut!

That's a wrap.

That was wonderful.

I love it!
I love it!

And I love it!
And I love you!

Back off, turkey!

Would you excuse us
for a moment, please?

Mr. Reynolds,
yeah?

I have
a wonderful idea.

[Whispering]

Uh, what are you
talking about?

Uh, tell them,
claxton.

The--the scene between
your mother and daughter
was superb.

Oh, thank you.

If you have the
contracts handy now--

So what we want
to do is,

We want to build
a whole campaign

On a series of commercials
with a mother and a daughter.

Oh, great idea!

Pen?
Who has a pen?

This way we appeal
to both age groups.

Hey, love it!
I love it!

We're ready to travel
at any time.

Unfortunately,

Your mother and sister
don't really look
enough alike.

Oh, we can
work it out!

Uh, no, we have
to search for

A mother and daughter
who look more alike.

[Roger]
oh, come on, now.
But that's silly.

Then you'll have to
pay 2 people.

Tell you what, use dee
and I'll take half the price.

I assure you

That we're not worried
about the $20,000.

Huh?

$20,000!

♪ First you take
a piece of meat ♪

♪ Then you broil
it in some heat ♪

♪ Then you shove it
in a bun ♪

$ 20,000?

Thank you
very much.

It was nice of you
to come down. Goodbye, now.

Am I to understand
that you're going

To pay the mother
and the daughter
$20,000 each?

Thank you very much.

Each?

Bye-bye. Thank you
very much.

Oh, mr. Reynolds,
I am so excited.

I mean, the whole idea
of a mother and daughter
look-alike,

Eat-alike campaign.
I love it!

[Laughing]
excuse me.

What do you
want now?

Since you're looking for
a mother and daughter
that look alike,

Maybe you would like
my older sister.

She's the image
of my older mother.

Not really.

Oh, older sister!

Yes, brother.

Oh, good grief.

She's the image
of her mother.

Amazing!

Gimme my
$20,000, fool!

She's perfect! She's perfect!
Quick, go get the mother.

[Both]
what?

Your mother. Get her!

I've got to see
the 2 of them together.
Don't you understand?

You got it.
You got it.

Go get mom.
Go get mom.

[Claxton]
what a stroke
of luck.

Mom will be right back here,
with her eye glasses,

Her gray hair
and her coat.

Here's mom and sis.

Hold it,
hold it!

We're gonna have
all the money we need.

I'm back in business.

What are you reading?

Listen: "new,
unknown face wanted

As spokesman."

For what?

One of those
tire companies.

You could be the blimp.

Shut up, dee.

Go ahead, rerun,
what else does the ad say?

[Phone ringing]

I'll get it.

Hello?

Oh, hi.

I was out
this afternoon.

Oh, nothing much.

Some company wants to hire

A miss bridgeburger
and raj was a genius.

You said it!
Who is that?

And he dressed rerun up
in some old glasses,

A funny wig and an old dress
to look just like you, mama.

Mama?

Hey, give me that phone!

Hang on, mama.

Raj probably wants to brag
about it himself.

[Chuckling]

Isn't dee cute, the way
she makes up stories, mama?

Of course
she was making it up!

Oh, ok.

Uh, dee, tell mama
you were making it up.

[Inaudible]

He's right.
I was just making it up.

Rerun didn't look
like you at all.

Shirley did, though.