01x20 - Nice Guys Finish Last

[bunniefuu]

Man, I'm telling you,
we could make a fortune
selling this stuff.

It's new
and it's exciting.

Dwayne, there's nothing new
or exciting about soap.

It isn't just soap, it's blam,
the most powerful soap
in the universe,

Yet kind to your hands.

Shouldn't we be
discussing this
in the kitchen, raj?

Who told you it's
the most powerful soap
in the universe?

Mike johnson's mother.

When?

When she sold it to me.

Well, you'd better
use that soap to
wash your face.

Why?

It's got sucker
written all over.

Let's get to the
kitchen, raj.

Well, there must be
a lot of other suckers
out there, then,

Because mike's mother
sold enough soap
in one week

To make $50 down payment
on a color t.v.

$50!

Uh-huh, and she sold
a whole case to one person.

What would one person do
with a whole case of soap?

Wash you twice.

Quiet, dee.

Ok, well, c'mon--
how do we get in
on the blam scam?

Ok.

"To become an official
blam representative
in your neighborhood,

Just write, blam,
post office box 749,
blam, oklahoma."

What d'you say?

Count me in, dwayne.

Me, too.

It's a deal.

Hey!

Hey, now let's
make it official.
Let's eat to it.

Hey, man, maybe we can start
taking orders tomorrow

Before we become official
blam representatives.

Oh, no, I've got soccer
practice tomorrow.

[Phone ringing]

I'll get it.

Hello.

Yes, this is dee thomas.
Who wants to know?

Judy?

Oh, hi, judy.

You did?

Great. Where are you
gonna stay?

Uh-huh.

Ok, 'bye.

Who was that?

Judy crane,
a friend of mine.

Judy crane.
I guess I've never met her.

You haven't.
She's one of my pen pals.

Oh!

Which one?
The one from nebraska
or the one from new jersey?

The one from jail.

Jail?

Yeah, jail.

I didn't know you
had a pen pal in jail.

I don't anymore.

She just got out.
She's on her way over.

Why is she
on her way
over here?

Beats me.
Maybe it was something
I said in my letters.

Like what?

Like, after you
get out of jail,

You can come
live with us.

What? Are you crazy?
Have you gone nuts?

What's happening?

Oh, nothing. Dee just
invited an ex-convict
to come live with us.

Wow, dee knows
an ex-con?

Yeah, one of her
closest friends.

Boy, those 5th graders
are getting tougher
every year.

She's not in the 5th grade.

Then why is she
writing to you?

She's my pen pal.

I found her name
on the back of a magazine.

I thought it would be nice
to write to a shut-in.

Dee, there's a big difference
between a shut-in
and a locked-in.

What did she do, anyway?

She took some money
that didn't belong to her.

Wow, this is exciting!

Raj, wait till you tell
everybody you got
a criminal living here.

Oh, yeah.
You think that's exciting.

Wait till I tell my mama
we've got a criminal
living here.

Mama will understand.

Have you lost
your mind, child?

But, mama,
judy needs a place to stay.

And so will you,
pulling a stunt
like this.

I'm surprised at you, mama.

I bet coretta king
would take her in.

Well, then there's
no problem.

Just call mrs. King,
and tell her to get
an extra bed ready.

But, mama, she's got
nowhere else to go.

And besides, she only wants
to sleep over one night.

A night? A ni--
me spend a night in this house
with an ex-convict?

Over my dead body!

Uh, just a figure of speech.

She was only arrested
for robbery,
and she paid for it.

Uh-huh, yeah.
But with whose money?

Raj.
Yes.

You're getting
on my nerves.

And you're getting
on my nerves,

Bringing ex-convicts
in here to live.
And you don't know what--

Well, if you don't like it,
you get out.
I'm bringing her over--

Will you 2 stop it!

Mama, please let her
stay over one night.

I promised her.

Well, since you gave
your word. All right.

Our boarder's away,
so she can stay in his room,

But for only one night.

Thanks, mama.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go and hide
my valuables.

I advise you to do
the same.

Raj, if I'm not afraid of her,
why should you be?

You can't blame roger
for being concerned, dee.

We really don't know
anything about this judy.

There's nothing to know.
She committed a tiny crime,

Went to jail,
and is a good, nice,
normal person now.

[Knocking on door]

Oh, that's probably her now.

I'd better answer it
before she breaks in.

What?

Dee?

Judy!

Hi, pen pal!

Aw, you're even cuter
than I thought you'd be.

Everybody,
this is my friend
judy crane.

Hi.

This is my brother, raj.

Hello, raj,
it's nice to meet you.

Yes, it is.

And this is
my mama.

Hello, judy.
Hello, mrs. Thomas.

Listen, thanks
for letting me sleep over.

Dee told me
you were special.

This is true.

Well...
Are you hungry?

I'm starved.

Well, then go in the kitchen,
and help yourself.

Uh, just to the food.

That boy is tacky.

Judy, I am gonna fix you
some good food
to put in your stomach.

Thank you.
Mama...

Hmm?

You're the best mama
in the whole world.

Oh, stop.

[Judy]
oh...

That's nice.

You have a real
tight family, don't you?

Yeah, we do.

You still
kiss your mama?

Sure.

But only because
she's a close relative.

Well, I understand.

I mean, you see,

I don't just go around...

Kissin' folks.

Of course not.

You see, basically, I'm
a man of the streets.

Yeah, I see.

See. I know the streets.

And the streets know me.

Yeah, it's rough
out there.

Worse than that.
It's rough out there.

It's a jungle.
Hard and tough.

As a matter of fact,
that's what they call me:
"hard and tough."

Oh, god!

Are you all right,
hard and tough?

I'm all right.

Well, then help judy
upstairs with her bags.

Hello, lew?
Hey, baby, it's me.

Yeah, safe and sound.

Now, I'm at the thomas' house
with my little pen pal.

Everything worked perfectly.

Listen, c-can you
pick me up tomorrow?

10:00 Is good.

Really, baby, I'm fine.
No problems at all.

The warden
probably doesn't even know
I've escaped, yet.

Yeah, 'bye.

Good morning.
What?

Oh, it's--it's...

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was only trying
to say good morning.

In prison people
aren't often walking
into your room

Without clanging keys,
you know what I mean?

No.

Are you ready
for breakfast?

Um, you don't have to bother,
mrs. Thomas.

I mean, you've been
too nice already.

Well, it's no bother.

Hi, judy.

Hi, dee.

Are you going
to work today, mama?

You want to eat tomorrow?

Yeah.

Well...

I just wanted
to make sure

That you leave me money
for the movies
before you go.

Well, how much do you need?

$2.

$2 For a movie?

No, it's a dollar
for the movie,

50 Cents for
the candy bar

And 50 cents
for the large soda.

Mmm-hmm. Well, you can get
the 50 cent bar candy

On the way to the movies
for a dime,

And then you can drink water
if you get thirsty,
and here's a dollar...

And a half,
and bring me change!

Do you want to go
to the movies with me, judy?

Oh, no thanks, dee.
I'll be leaving this morning.

[Yawns]

Good morning.

What are you wearing, raj?

My soccer uniform.
What does it look like?

It looks like somebody
tried to dress a chair.

Hello, roger.

Good morning, judy.

What's the matter
with you?

Oh, uh,
nothing, mama.

Why?

You look you're half asleep.

I had a bad night.

Couldn't keep
my eyes closed.

Know what I mean,
mama?

I couldn't shut my eyes
one minute last night.

Something wrong
with your eye, raj?

No.

Well, then there's something
wrong with your neck,

And your knees
aren't so hot, either.

Dee, come on.
Let's get the rest
of the food.

[Muttering]
...big mouth.

Oh, hi.

Uh, you know,
I just realized
how rude it was of me

To leave you here all alone
in a room with my things.

I mean, uh,

I mean, by yourself.

[Laughs]

[Sighs]

I mean, in a room
with no one to talk to.

So, how are you?

Roger, if you want to go
in the kitchen,

I promise you
I won't take anything
out of your living room.

Is that why you...
You thought I
came in here to check?

Gee!

[Laughing]

Judy.

Huh?

I told you twice,
and I'm only gonna
tell you once more.

Go fish.

Dee...

You know, I really feel guilty
about you staying home
for me.

Why don't you go over
to your friend's house

Like you do
every saturday morning?

You remembered
that from my letters?

Sure. Look, I remember
everything you wrote me.

Your letters were the only
bright spot of my day.

[Knocking at door]

Oh, I'll get it,
it's probably nobody.

Hey, baby.

Well, look how friendly
nobody is.

Uh...

Dee, this is
my boyfriend lew.

Well, how come
you didn't tell us
he was coming over?

I didn't know
how your mother would feel

About me entertaining
my friends here.

Besides, I thought
I'd be alone
this morning.

Yeah, you know how it is
when a boyfriend
and a girlfriend

Haven't seen each
other for
a long time, huh?

Yeah, I know.
You can kiss,
but don't get crazy.

Uh, I think
we've kissed enough
for the time being.

Yeah.

Well, hey,
we'd better
get going, judy.

It's a long way
to arizona.

Where're your things?

Oh, they're upstairs.

Uh, judy, that suitcase
of yours is broken,

But you could borrow
roger's and he won't mind.

I don't need it.

Why not?
Since yours is broken,
it will come in handy.

Where is it, honey?

Upstairs.
Come on.

Oh, man.

Do you think
it's broken?

No, I just twisted it.

Man, you looked like you
were half asleep out there.

I was. I couldn't
sleep all night,

Worrying about judy
floating around this house.

All right, kids,
up against the wall!
Frisk 'em!

[Rerun whimpering]

Listen, officer,
I live here
and I can prove it.

What's going on?

You know this girl?

Yeah, that's judy crane,
she's staying with us.

That was easy.

So, you admit
you're harboring
an escaped criminal?

Escaped? She escaped?

That's right, she escaped
and we followed
her boyfriend here.

Well, there's no one
here now.

[Groaning]

Ah!

Who's there?

Hold it!
Hold it!

Who's that?

It's raj.

And who's the other guy?

I don't know.

Shh!

I'll find out.

Oh, gee!

It's the cops.

Oh, no!

The cops?

Why would it be
the cops?

Why would the cops be here?

Unless you...

Or judy...

Or you and judy...

Anybody want a sandwich?

Shh. Stay where
you are!

Staying.

Dee, can you hear me?
Are you all right?

I'm ok, but I'm unhappy
with my present company.

Hey, we have
this kid up here.

So--so, you cops
don't do anything stupid.

All right.
All right, bonner,
all right.

Just calm down.
Relax.

Look, you take the back door,
and you cover the front.

Well, who is this
bonner anyway?

He's also an ex-convict
and judy crane's boyfriend.

Well, get him
out of my house.

I'm trying.

Judy, will you tell me
what's happening?

Because I'm getting fed up
with the whole thing.

Dee, look,
I wasn't released
from that prison farm,

I escaped.

Not nice.

I know.

But I only came
to your house

Because I thought nobody
would look for me here.

The police were probably
watching me the whole time.

That's not easy.
You don't look
all that wonderful.

Now, you watch
your mouth.

Oh, please.

Maybe they'd let dee go
if we gave them
another hostage.

Ask them if they'll take
a teenage boy, instead.

Well, that's awful
brave of you, son.

Thank you, sir.
Good luck, dwayne.

Uh-uh!

Oh, look, officer,
it's my sister.
I'll go up there.

No, please.

[Lew]
all right, we're ready.
I've got my list of demands.

Ok, look,
this may be it.

Ok, bonner.
What do you want?

All right,
first, I want you
to fill up

The gas tank of
my getaway car.

What getaway car?

The one I rented.

It's-- it's across the street.

You rented a getaway car?

Yeah.

It's a bright red convertible
with--with mag wheels,

And those little
cotton dice that hang

From the rearview mirrors,
you know?

It's something else.

That's our getaway car...

A bright red convertible?

It's a beauty, judy.

And it's easy to spot, dummy.

Oh, yeah.

It's not gonna be
so easy to spot.

What do you mean?

Go look.

It's gone.

He parked it in
a tow-away zone.

How could I do that?

You're stupid.

I'll get a ticket, too.

I've never gotten
a ticket before.

Darn!

You're not very good
at this, are you?

Will you leave me alone?

Don't yell at her.

Let him yell.
He needs the outlet.

Ok, sir. I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna run out back,
climb up the telephone pole,

And jump onto the roof.

And be back down
here in one second

With the roof
and the second floor.

All right, bonner.

Let's hear it.

All right, I'm gonna need
another getaway car.

Something in a dark red,
doesn't have to be brand new.

What about food?

Oh, yeah,
we're gonna need enough food
to last a couple of days.

Hamburgers would be good.

Yeah, make it
about 10 hamburgers.

Hold the ketchup,
heavy on the relish.

Hold the ketchup
on 2 of them.

3 Of them.

Uh, make it


And a grape soda.

And a grape soda.

Oh, and better get
some napkins.

Will you let me
handle this?

Then we're gonna need
some napkins, too.

And about $10,000 in cash.

Now, how long do you think
that will last?

You better make that $20,000.

Small bills.

Wait a minute!

Wait.

Dee, are you planning
on going with us?

Heck, no. I just hate to see
anything done dumb.

Who are you
calling dumb?

You.

Oh!

And you're dumb
too, judy.

Uh, wait a second,
young lady.

Why did you escape?

In your letter you said
you only had 6 more months

To go on that honor farm,
and then you'd be done.

Oh, dee, 6 months
is a long time.

And I couldn't stand it.

Well, you should have
stood it.

You did something wrong
and you had to pay for it.

Now you're even
in more trouble,

And you'll have to spend
more time there.

[Cop]
come on down now, bonner.

Will you be quiet,
I'm talking?

Did you hear that?

I think she got
the situation
under control.

Are--are you kidding?

She's up there
alone with 2 convicts.

Oh, they'll be all right.

Now, if I understand it,
lew...

As long as you're not
holding me up here
against my will,

The cops won't want you
for anything.

And if you go back
to the honor farm, judy,

You'd be out of there
in a year or so.

Yeah, but I'd really
miss her.

I mean, gee whiz.

Listen, dee, I couldn't stand
being cooped up
for another year.

Well, that's too bad.

It's better to be cooped up
for a year,

Than messed up
for the rest of your life.

We're coming down now.

It was only a joke.
I'm fine.

Hey, dee...

Listen, girl,
you still gonna write me?

Sure, look at all
I've got to tell you about.

Hey, it was all a joke.

Just a big joke.

You're the joke.

Last one down
is a rotten egg.

Hello, roger.

Oh, hi, mama.

Hey!

What happened?

You mean to my knee.

Of course, I mean to
your knee, what else?

What else?

Uh, well, what happened
to my knee is I injured it
during soccer.

Uh, what happened else,
is judy's friend came over,

And I think you better
sit down for this one.

I don't have to sit down
for nothing.

Now, tell me
about judy's friend.

And the police?

The police?

Police.

I think I'd better
sit down for this.

But, first of all, look,
I want you to know
that everything is all right,

And dee is all right.

Dee?

Well, he didn't really
hold her hostage.

Hostage!

Well, I mean,
you know I wouldn't
let any harm come to her.

Harm!

I'll get her.

I think you better.

Hi, mrs. Thomas.

Oh, rerun.

Did you hear about me
risking my life for dee?

Risking your what?

Yeah, I was going
to throw myself
through the roof,

But it wasn't necessary.
Don't bother with
any thanks, though.

Dee's my friend. 'Bye.

But, rerun, what are you--

Hi, mrs. Thomas.
Did raj tell you

How I was going
to give myself up
for dee with the kidnappers?

Kidnappers?

Yeah, luckily
it all worked out

Without even one shot
being fired.

Shot fired?

It's all cool now,
mrs. Thomas.
Bye-bye.

No, wait.
Come back here,
dwayne.

What in the world
is going on around here?

Here she is, mama.
Hi, mama.

Oh, baby,
are you all right?

Sure, nothing
happened, really.

Just that judy's boyfriend
showed up and they kept me
up in roger's room,

And they threatened
to kidnap me

If the police didn't
give them $20,000,

10 Hamburgers, 3 no ketchup,
heavy on the relish.

But they gave up,
and judy went back to jail,

Because she was never
released, she escaped.

And they let her
boyfriend go

Because he never
really meant to take me
to arizona anyway.

Arizona?

Yeah.

How'd your day go?

But, mama,
he was just making
a lot of noise.

He wasn't
a bad guy at all.

Dee, if you ever
ask anyone--

I know. I know.
I know.

No more invitations
to strangers
to sleep over or visit.

Anything good
on t.v. Tonight?

Oh yeah, mama.
This is lew.

Lew, who?

Uh, lew bonner.

He--he lives a 100 miles away
and he doesn't have a car.

I didn't think you'd mind.

He parked his car
in a tow-away zone.

Can you imagine parking
a getaway car
in a tow-away zone?

[Stuttering]
that's--
kidnapping-- uh...

Police. g*n.
What a--

Kidnappin' my baby.

Get out of here!
Get out of my house!

Out!