02x10 - Mama, the School Girl

[bunniefuu]

[Mama muttering]

Roger, don't you think
it's time we left
for night school?

Oh, we got
a few minutes.

[Muttering]
a few minutes.

But roger, it's been 20 years
since I've been
in a classroom.

All you have to remember is
listen for the bell.

The first time the bell rings,
you sit down.

The 2nd time the bell rings,
you stand up.

In between,
that's the teacher's problem.

Oh, my goodness.
But I'm gonna be
the oldest one there.

You know, they're gonna
laugh at me.

Look, you're
the oldest one here,

And you don't see us laughing.

Dee!

Roger,
are you ready to go?

Yeah, just about, mama.

Will you get all the credits
you need for your diploma
by the end of this year?

I hope so.

Hey, can't you
just see it?

Graduation day.

There we are,
mama and i,

Marching down
the aisle together.

Single file.

Dee.

Those are narrow aisles.

Sorry.

Well, I think it's time
for us to go, mama.

So long, dee.
So long.

And d-don't forget
to do your homework.

I won't. And don't worry
about school.

All right.

I mean, the teachers
act tough sometimes.

They yell and scream,
but they're really harmless.

The fact is, they aren't
that much smarter
than the students.

They think they are,
but they're really not.

They're a lot like parents.

Now let me
tell you something--

Mama, we're gonna
be late.

Oh, all right.

So this is it, roger, huh?

"History 201."

Oh, you've got
miss collins, my teacher.

Is that good
or bad?

And I am
the oldest one here.

No, you're not.
You just look it.

Sorry, mama, sorry.

Hello, roger.

And this is your mother,
isn't it?

Yes, ma'am. She's taking
your class in night school.

Wonderful.
Welcome to my class.

Thank you.

If you'll excuse me,
I have some paperwork to do.
I'll be with you in a moment.

Miss collins again?

Hello, rerun.

Roger told me you had
to take this course again.

Yeah. I flunked it
twice already.

Because of her.

Hey, don't be gettin'
my mother upset, rerun.

Mama, she's a good teacher.

No, she's not.
And I'm gonna fail again.

All she ever puts
on her tests are questions.

Oh, roger,
are you sure?

Mama, it's fine.
Mama, you're smart.

I just didn't...

You can do it.

Mama, you can do it.

Roger, I think
I'm all right now.

You can go home.

You can go home, doll.
And thanks for
helping me register.

It was my pleasure.

Oh, mama, why don't you
take my seat. That way
you can see the board better.

Excuse me.

Uh, wa-wait a minute.
I got a better idea, mama.

Miss collins?

Thank you, darling.

Can you see now?

Oh, fine.

Thank you.

[Raj sighs]

So...

You...

You got--
you got paper?

Oh, I have
plenty of paper.

And I'll be home
early.

All right.

Goodbye, roger.

How about pencils?

I've got pencils here
and one right here.

Mama, remember
to raise your hand
if you have a question.

Uh, and if you have to
go to you-know-where.

All right, roger.
Goodbye, now, ya hear?

Mama, I want you to have
the best first day
at school ever,

'Cause you're my mother
and I love you.

Oh.

That's nice, honey.

Now, goodbye.

This is my son.

Miss collins,
would you keep an eye
on my mother.

Go easy on her
'cause she hasn't
studied in years.

Oh, then she and rerun
have a lot in common.

Miss collins has
a great sense of humor.
You'll love her, mama.

[Bell ringing]

Good evening, class.

My name is miss collins.

And this is history 201.
And this is history 201.

Frederick!

Sorry. But it's
the only thing I remember
from the last semester.

Now, a lot of you think
you know history.

Well, nobody knows history.

And this evening we're going
to find out just how much
we don't know history.

I'd like a volunteer.

Uh, mr. Miller,
I believe I saw your hand.

No, no, I didn't
raise my hand.

You didn't raise your hand?

Well, I saw it.

Would you stand up?

Now, you think
you know history.

Well, I'm going to
ask you a few questions.

What was the first permanent
english settlement in america?

I'm afraid I don't know.

Can anybody help mr. Miller?
Yes, mrs. Thomas.

Um,

Jamestown.
Jamestown, virginia.

Right.
And who was its leader?

Um, captain john smith.

Good! And, uh, the indian
that saved his life?

Pocahontas.

[Miss collins]
not bad.

What year?

I believe it was 1607.

That's very good,
mrs. Thomas.

Very good.

How--how did you learn
all this history?

I don't know.
I just read some
of my son's schoolbooks.

Well, with your knowledge,
you hardly don't even
need a teacher.

What year
was the stamp act?

I don't know.

Neither do i.

[Rerun laughing]

Frederick.

Raj, can you help me
with my math?

Sure, what's the problem?

I don't understand
these fractions.

You see, it says here
4 quarters make one whole.

That's right.

But here it says that
2 halves make one whole.

But they do.
You see 2 halves make one...

Well, I'll show you.

Ok.

Now you got
4 quarters.

4.

Oh, I understand now.

Thank you.

Hi.

Oh, hi, mama.
How was school?

Oh, fine, roger.

Did you make friends?
A few.

Did you get homework?
A little.

And one of my new friends
is coming over now
to help me with it.

So would you
clean up that mess?

Well, helping is all right,
but I don't want anyone else
doing your homework for you.

Hmm. Yes, sir.

Now, would you kindly
go to bed?

Good night, mama.

Good night.

Good night.

Night.

[Knocking on door]

[Whispering]
chairs.

Go to bed!

Hello, mabel.

Oh, how nice of you
to come over, todd.
Come on in.

Thank you.
Very nice of you
to invite me.

Hey, it's my pleasure.
Come on, sit down.

Thank you.

I'll fix you some coffee.

Oh, don't go
to any trouble, now.

[Chuckling]

Oh, no trouble at all.

This book
seems really hard.

Really hard.

Ah, here's a sample quiz.

Sample quiz.

Ready?

I'm ready, todd.

Now, this one,

This should be
really easy for you.

In 1620, who landed
at plymouth rock?

[Sighing]
the plymouths.

The plymouths. No!

The pilgrims.
Now, come on.

Oh, of course,
the pilgrims.

Of course,
the pilgrims.

Well, you know,
there's an awful lot here
to learn by december 1.

Well, I figure I'd do it
little by little,

And then by the time
thanksgiving weekend is there,

I'll just write
my term paper then.

Hey, that sounds
good to me.

I can come over
a couple of nights a week,

And we can spend
thanksgiving weekend together,
writing our papers.

You know what?
That sounds wonderful.

We can help each other.

Exactly.

Oh.

[Car horn blaring]

Oh, there's my sister.

She's come to pick me up.
She dropped me off, you know.

I see. Todd,

Why don't you
ask her to come in?

Oh, no, it's late.

Some other time, mabel.
Thanks, mabel.

Bye-bye.

Ok, todd. Goodbye.

What a man.

Hi, baby.

Hiya, sweet stuff.

How'd it go?

Terrific. I think I'm finally
gonna get that diploma.

You know what that means!
A raise at work,
and we get married.

Oh, honey!

No, no, no, no, not here.
Let's go, let's go.

[Knocking on door]

Come in.

Hey, hey, hey!

Don't you see me studying?

Why can't you come in
like a gentleman?

Hey, hey, hey!

Dwayne.

Hey, hey, hey, raj.
What's up, man?

Knock it off,
will you?

Oh, hi, dwayne.

How you doin',
mrs. Thomas?

Mama, what's with
all the food?

Thanksgiving
is next week.

Yeah, but this is
for our cram session.

Hey, we have
a big test tomorrow,

And we've got
to study tonight.

Is that guy coming
over here again?

What's his name,
dud or something?

It's todd.

Yes, he is.
And what have you
got against him?

He's dumb!

Oh, dee.

Well, he is. He comes
over here twice a week,

And he still
doesn't know anything.

You're doing all the work.

Well, it seems that way.
But he really pitches in.

I wouldn't want to get hit
by what he's pitching.

[Knocking on door]

Wait, wait, wait.
I'll get it.

What's happening?

Oh, it's you, rerun.

What's the matter?

Mama was hoping
it was someone else.

Who?

Anybody else.

[Knocking on door]

Now that's todd.

Hello.

Oh, thank you.

Hi, fellas.

[All]
hello, mr. Miller.

Hello, dee.
Hi.

Well, what are we
waiting for? Let's cram.

There he goes,
cramming his face again.

Cut it out, dee.
I need food to feed my brain.

With the size of your brain,
you could go a month
on an olive.

Oh, yeah?

And another week
on the pit.

Good night, dee.

Good night.

Good night.

Well.

Well, mabel, I think
I'd better be going, too.

Well, ok, todd.

I really want to thank you
for the cram session,

And all the help you have been
these past weeks.

Oh, the pleasure
was all mine.

Oh, and I really want
to thank you for offering
to write my term paper.

I offered to write
your term paper?

Thanks again.

Oh, oh, wait,
todd, um...

Gee, i--i can't
write your paper.

Why not?

You're the smartest kid
in the class.

Well, todd,

You flatter me,
but that would be cheating.

Oh, no.

No, you see, we'd be
helping each other.

We can learn
from each other.

And I'll be able
to get my diploma.

Come on,
what do you say?

Well, ok, todd.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, and don't forget,
you and your sister

Are coming over here thursday
for thanksgiving dinner.

Er, no, no.
I forgot to mention,
you see,

My sister is never free
on thanksgiving.

Oh!

No, she helps out
downtown at the mission.

Oh, that's nice.

Yes. My sister gives
an awful lot of herself.

You have no idea how much.

Well then, I'll see you
thursday at 3:00, right?

You got it.

Bye.

You got it, too.

Bye.

Good morning,
everybody.

And isn't it
a beautiful morning?

Mama, raj has been dreaming
about lola falana again.

For your information,
I'm happy because
tomorrow's thanksgiving.

But today is school.

I'm on my way.

Yeah, me, too.

Oh, wait a minute,
roger.

Um, todd left
his history books here
last night.

Dumb, dumb, dumb!

Will you stop it?

Now, his name and address
is inside,

And if you
drop it off for me,
I'd appreciate it.

Oh, sure, mama.

What's he bothering
going to school for anyway?

Well, he has
a civil service job,

And he will get a raise
if he gets a diploma.

And you know what?

He's gonna have
thanksgiving dinner with us.

Oh, that's nice,
mama.

It'll be nice to have him
carve the turkey.

I can see him now,
at the head of the table
just passing the food around.

Well, when it comes
to dishing it out,
toad's your man.

Young lady,

It's todd!

And you respect
your elders, you hear?

Ok. Bye.

Bye now,
and how about my sugar?

Ok.

Bye, mama.

Bye, honey.

Uh, mama, you're really
falling for this guy,
aren't you?

Now, why would
you say that?

Because you always
iron my handkerchiefs.

Oh, yeah. But I'm a little
behind in ironing now.

Then why did you
iron my homework?

Oh, stop!

Oh!

I mean it, raj.
You better tell your mama.

Be quiet.

Dee!

Mama!

They're not home.

You've got to tell her
that guy's a phony.

He can't do that.
She'd be hurt.

Better now than later.

Well, but maybe mr. Miller
really does like raj's mama.

Then why is he hanging out
with that woman?

Maybe that's his sister.

And maybe I'm cinderella.

Maybe you're the pumpkin.

Look, just hold it,
hold it.

I'm sorry, raj.
What do you have to say?

I have to say that
I don't know what to say

To you or to mama.

When she sees him,
she's going to ask him
if he got his books from me.

And he's gonna say "no."
Then she'll ask me why.

I and either have to tell
a lie, or the truth.

And I can't lie to my mama.

All right,
out with the big lie.

Dee, why didn't you answer me
when I called you?

Because that way
I wouldn't be able

To charge you $1
for me to be quiet,

So mama doesn't
find out what you
don't want her to know.

See you later, guys.

Ok.

Now, young lady--

You don't have to give me $1.
50 Cents is fine.

Look, dee.

If you lay one hand on me,
I'll tell mama,

And report you
to the child abuse center.

And they'll put
your picture on 60 minutes,

And mike wallace
will hate you until you die.

I'm not gonna
hit you,

And I'm not going to
give you $1.

I need your help.

What's wrong?

When I went over to that dude
todd miller's house
to deliver his books,

I saw him coming down
the block,

Carrying on
with this foxy chick.

Carrying on?

Mmm-hmm. Carrying on.

Like what?

Like, uh, you know,
hugging, kissing,

Giggling, touching.

Are you talking about
getting it on?

Yeah.

Well, maybe they were
just good friends.

Mmm-mmm.

Good friends don't whisper,

"I love you, baby."

[Mimicking girl]
"I love you, toddsy."

How'd you hear them?

I ducked behind this car
and they were
leaning against it.

That dude is using mama.

You mean just to get
his high school diploma?

Mmm-hmm.

Now what are we
gonna do?

Let me think.

Well, think fast.

Got it. Mama must have
his number somewhere.

Uh, whose number?

You know that guy,
todd miller.
It must be under "m."

What do you gonna
call him for?

Just trust me.

Dee.

Raj, believe me.
I know what I'm doing.

Here you go.
It's ringing.

No.

No.

Forks on the left,
knives on the right.

Don't you know anything?

Oh, dinner will be ready
in just a few minutes.

Well, looks like
we're all set. Thanks, kids.

You're welcome, mama.
You're welcome.

[Knocking on door]

That must be toddsy.

[Whispering]
dee!

Ah, mr. Miller.
Come in, come in.

Hello, roger.
Hello, dee.

Hi.

Uh, come on in,
come in.

He's in, roger.

Ah, so he is.
He sure follows directions,
doesn't he?

[Laughs]

Well, mabel.
I brought you some
cookies for dessert.

Oh, how nice.

Oh, todd,
you're so thoughtful.

Thank you.

[Gasping]
oh, you're welcome.

Thanks for the cookies,
mr--mr. Miller. Thank you.

It's ok.

Why don't you
sit over here?

Oh, and we got something
for you, too.

[Todd]
oh, really?
What's that?

Your term paper
for history.

Raj and mama wrote it
for you, mr. Miller.

Oh, fantastic.
How nice.

"George washington,
before and after
the revolution." Wow!

Well, dee will hang on
to this until after
thanksgiving dinner.

Oh, no, it's all right.
I'll take it now.

Don't be silly.

You'll get stains on it.

Eat your dinner first
and after you've eaten
everything on your plate,

And then
you can have the paper.

Well, that's--
that's ok with me.

You, uh,
shall I carve the turkey?

Turkey? We never have
turkey for thanksgiving.

We always have
our favorite meal.

Oh, really,
what's that?

Cow's brains,
chicken gizzards
and fish heads.

Happy thanksgiving.

I hope you enjoy it.

I worked hard on it.

Oh, it just happens
that it's my favorite, too!

Oh, that's great,
because we'd really be hurt

If mama was disappointed
after fixing this,

And doing your term paper
for you.

Disappointed? Dis-- me?
Disappoint your mother?

No way.
I can hardly wait.

Just give me my share.

Great. You get it all.

We get steaks.

Hmm, smells good.

But aren't you lucky!

[Sighs]
now.

Todd, will you
lead the grace?

[Mama]
todd.

Huh?

Grace.

Good lord.

So he ate every last drop
of that stuff, huh?

He sure did,
thanks to rerun.

Thanks to me?
Why thanks to me?

Well, he didn't want
to insult mama after she
prepared the paper for him.

So what's that got
to do with me?

It was called,
"george washington, before
and after the revolution."

That's the same title
of the paper I wrote

The first time
I flunked history.

Right, and where is
that paper now, rerun?

I gave it to you
as an example

Of the first f-minus
ever received
in miss collins' class.

Wait a minute.

You gave it to mr. Miller?

Uh-huh.

So he'll flunk, too.

Uh-huh.

And you won't feel bad
about that?

[Both]
uh-uh.

All right.

Did he eat
all the cow's brains,

Fish heads
and gizzards?

Yeah.

What a lucky guy.