02x21 - Shirley Is A Mother

[bunniefuu]

Ah, there are 100 senators

And 435 representatives
in congress, ha, ha.

Is he right, raj?

Hey, he sure is. All right.

Hey.

Man, I'm gonna
pass that test

And finally graduate
from high school.

Well, how many years
have you been
in high school, rerun?

Well, let's see, uh,
freshman, sophomore, junior,

Sophomore, junior,

Senior, senior. 7 Years.

Well, how old are you?

19.

You see, I started
when I was only 13

And, uh, knocked off
one of my senior years
goin' at night.

Hey, that must be rough.

Not if you're bright.

Hey, what are you
doing tonight, dwayne?

Uh, we're goin' out
for dinner, why?

Well, my mama's visiting
her sister in phoenix,

And I can't find
a sitter for dee.

Where are you goin'?

I'm goin' to the library
with rerun so we can study
for our history finals.

Why don't you take
dee along?

I can't. She has to be in bed
by 9:00.

Ok, guys,
what can I get you?

Can I see the menu?

You can't, it was banned
by the board of health.

I'll have a hamburger.

Yeah, me, too, shirley.

All right. Uh,
what can I get you, raj?

A babysitter.

Ah, man, we just sold
the last one.

Oh, no kidding, shirley.
I really need someone
to sit with dee tonight,

So I can get to the library.

Well, where's your mother?

Visiting my aunt.

All right, what time
you want me to be there?

Uh, you'll do it for me?

Mmm-hmm. For the right price.

What's the right price?

Well, see my apartment
needs painting.

So I was wonderin'
if you'd come over

And help me do it
this weekend.

Oh, yeah, we'll
all come over. Right?

Yeah, sure.
That's great.

You know, if rerun comes,
it won't take long at all.

[Laughing]

See, what we'll do.
We'll soak him in the paint,

And then
we'll roll him through,

And we knock off all 4 walls
in one shot.

Excuse me.

Why don't you just go?

Because I have to wait
for shirley.

I don't need a sitter.
I can take care of myself.

If I went out
and left you alone,
even for one minute,

Mama would k*ll me.

I know, but who would tell?

You.

How true.

[Knocking on door]

Hey, shirley, come on in.
Hi, raj.

Hi, dee.

Hi, shirley.

Oh, shirley,
thanks for coming.

Oh, you don't have
to thank me.
You're paintin' my place.

Remember?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, shirley,
we got a delicious
piece of custard pie

For you in the refrigerator.

Yes, I'll go get it,
shirley, and come back
so we could talk.

All right.
Uh, so long, raj.

Thanks a lot,
oh, shirley.
Yeah.

Don't open the door
for any strangers.

No, no.

If someone says
they had an accident
and wants to call for help,

Uh-uh.
Uh-uh.

You ask them for the number
through the door
through the door.

And call for them.
Uh-huh.

All right. Oh,
but call the police first.

Ok.

All right. Oh, shirley.
Yes.

When the police come,
check their badges
through the window.

You got it.
All right.

Uh, shirley.

Yes, raj.

This is the phone that you use
to call the police.

Is that the telephone?

Oh, I didn't know that.

Uh, bye, now.

Bye.

Oh, uh, I better
check those locks.

[Locks rattling]

♪ [Humming]

♪ [Continues humming]

Oops.

I locked myself in.

Well, good night.

Good night.

Huh, I think he really
worries about you, dee.

Yeah, deep down,
he really loves me.

Yeah, you're lucky.

Did you finish
your homework?

Uh-huh.
Hmm.

I bet you did great
in all your schools, shirley.

All my schools?
Oh, yeah, I did very well
in high school.

Yeah, had an "a" average
in college.

Mmm-hmm.

You know I graduated
from medical school
in the top half of my class.

In fact,
I was in the middle of this
heart transplant operation

When I decided
to be a waitress at rob's.

Did you finish high school?

Yeah. Yeah.

But you couldn't afford
to go to college, right?

Uh, right, right. Hey,
isn't it your bedtime soon?

Uh-huh. Ok, tell me one.

Tell you one what?

A bedtime story.
I need it to unwind.

You do, huh?

Yeah, I go through
a lot of heartache
in the course of a day.

Is that right?

Oh, yeah.

Tsk, let's see, school,
homework, raj.

Life isn't all
an amusement park, you know.

It's not, huh?

No.

So every night, before
I go to bed, mama tells me
some kind of a story

To take my mind off my day.

Get down here,
and w-we'll try to think
of some kind of story.

Story. What can i...

Hand me that pillow.

Oh, yeah.
You want this pillow.
Let me see a story.

What can I do
for my story?

Are you, uh, settled?

Yeah.

See, a story now.
Lets see, well.

Oh, I got one, ok.

Once upon a time,
there was this chick,
little red ridin' hood.

You know this? She was named
after her clothes, you see?

Yeah.

Uh, did you hear
this one?

I'm not sure.

Oh. Well, anyhow, it seems

Little red ridin' hood
was going to visit
her grandmom who was sick.

What was wrong with her?

I don't know.

But they kept her
in the woods alone, you know,

It must have been
somethin' contagious.

I've heard this one before.
Tell me a story about you.

About me?

Yeah. I wanna hear
your whole life story.

No. No way, no way.

Why not?

Because it's boring.

Well, I am tryin'
to go to sleep.

I was born october 16, 19...

[Clearing throat]

And, you know, the doctor
said I looked just like
my father from the back.

[Whispering]
dee, go to bed.

Hi, mama.

[Sighing]

Shirley.

I done told you
about botherin' me. I--

[Yelling]

Leave me alone.

[Mumbling]

Come on, dee.

Hurry up.
We got to get breakfast.

[Raj]
oh.

Did you, uh, set this up
already?

No.

Let's go, let's go.
You'll both be late
for school.

Ah. Good morning, shirley.

Good morning.

I tried
to wake you last night,
but you were really out.

[Shirley]
yeah.

You slept on the couch
all night?

Yeah.

Was it comfortable?

You don't hear it
complainin'.

Now.

What do you want
on your cereal?

Sliced fruit.

Uh, just milk.

Just milk.

Raj.

What?

Can we keep shirley?

What?

Can we keep shirley
until mama comes back?

Dee.

We're going to need a sitter
every night,

So you can go to the library
and study with rerun.

Yeah, but shirley
can't stay here.

We can't afford
a live-in sitter.

I think we can.

How do you know?

Because I think shirley's
lonely where she is,

And she'd like
to stay with us.

Hmm. I never thought of that.

[Knocking on door]

Come in.

Hey, hey, hey.

What's happenin'?

Can't you two walk into a room
like gentlemen?

Certainly.
Shall we show her, rerun?

We most certainly shall.

[Dwayne]
ding-dong.

Enter.

Announcing the arrival
of frederick stubbs.

On runways 2, 3, and 4.

What is happening?

Or shall I put it,
hey, hey, and hey.

All right.

All right, man.

Hey, well,
we got a few minutes.
Do you want somethin' to eat?

Yeah, I'll see what
you have in the kitchen.

Rerun.

Shh.

Raj, raj!
What?

I just went into your kitchen

And had a close encounter
of the worst kind.

Oh, sit down,
and be quiet, fool.

Hey, shirley.

Hi.

What're you doin' here?

She babysat last night
and slept over.

Oh, yeah, that's right.
Well, come on, raj,
let's go.

He'll come
when he's finished eating.

Now if you're ready to go,
you go.

Well, I'm ready to go now
and I am going.
Come on, rerun.

Yeah, we'll see you
at school, raj.

Later.

Going to school.

Uh, by the way,
how's that fool doin'
in his school work?

[Raj]
uh...

Is he going to graduate?

I don't know, shirley,
it's going to be close.

He really needs a good mark
on his final exam in history.

Oh.

Are you gonna have to go
to the library again,
raj, tonight?

Oh, yeah, shirley.
Dee had a great idea.

Yeah?

Why don't you stay here
till my mama comes back?

Or at least until I have
the finals, friday?

Live here?

[Raj]
yeah.

Please, shirley.

Oh, i--i can't live her.
Mmm-mmm.

I have to be at home.
I got too many things to do.

Like what?

Like what?

Well, I have, um,
uh, uh, like what?

Well, now I've got lots of,

You know,
then I have to, huh?

Uh, i--i--i got--
I got a lot, uh,
sweepin' and dustin'.

Oh, I got a lot of dustin',
mmm-mmm-mmm.

Then I got to do the dishes
and buy the cat food.

You don't have a cat.

Then the cat food can wait.

Shirley.

I can't stay here.
I cannot simply stay here.

Who would be the boss?

[Both]
you.

Then get to school,
both of you. Let's move it.

Well--well, come on,
get your books and let's go.

Later.

Um, you fellows want
some dessert with us?

No, thanks, shirley.

No, I've had dinner already,
and I don't wish
to make a pig of myself.

Hey, when does raj come home
from work, anyway?

He'll be here
in a few minutes.

Um, dee, go on up
and start your homework.

But I have--

Go start your homework.

Well, rerun.
It's just about over.

What?

High school.

Oh, yeah.
Hard to believe.

You know,
I've really enjoyed it.

It's really been so much fun
watching teachers come and go.

Yeah. I wish I was a senior.

You'll be a senior next year.

Yeah. But you and raj
will be gone.

I'll never
see you guys anymore.

[Rerun]
sure you will.
I'll be around.

Yeah,
but you'll have new friends.
And raj will be in college.

But, uh, he's goin'
right here in town.

Yeah, but he'll make
new friends, too.
You know, smart friends.

College juniors and seniors.

He won't have much time
for me.

Yeah. Or maybe me, huh?

Maybe.

I mean, you'll be workin',
and he'll be in school.

Your schedules
won't be the same.

Yeah. You're right.
He probably won't get
to see much of you, either.

But you and I will see
each other a lot, right?

How, rerun? How are we
goin' to see each other?

Look, when you come home
from work,

Man, I'll have either school
or homework to do. So...

But weekends?

Weekends will be pretty good.

I'll probably see raj
on saturdays.

Not you, though.
You'll be workin'.

Work! Work! Work!
That's all I do!

I can't stand it.
I'm quitting.

I don't get see my friends.
I don't hang around.

And why?

All because of that rotten,
stinkin' job.

Rerun, you don't even
have a job.

You see how tough it is?

Rerun.

Hey.

Can't you knock?

Oh, dwayne, this is my house.

Yeah. Sorry, raj.

All right, let's go, rerun.

Where?

To the library.

You didn't eat yet.

I had a bite at work.
Now come on, let's go.

Come on. Look, we got
to finish the papers

And go over a few questions
for the final tomorrow.

I've studied enough.
Let's skip it.

No, you didn't. Now come on!

What's the matter with you?
This is the last night.

Now, you've almost made it.

Sit down and eat, raj.

Uh, surely, I'll get a bite
when I get back
from the library.

No, eat now.
Let's skip the library.

No, no. He can eat
when he gets back.

The library
is more important.

Now get goin'
so you can get back
and get your work done.

Ok.

You gonna let her talk
to you like that, raj?

She's not your mother.
Who made her boss?

You don't have to do
what she says.

Hey, suppose we don't go
to the library,

And suppose we just
stay right here.

Now suppose you walk over
here to the couch.

Why?

Because when you hit it,

It'll be easy
for the paramedics

To put you
on the stretcher.

Suppose we just mosey
on down

To the library.

Later, shirley.
Later, shirley.

Hey, shirley.

Chico, what are you
gonna have?

Buttered toast, please.

All right. You know,
you're lucky.

We got one order left
from this mornin'.
Shouldn't take a second.

[Phone ringing]

You're doing
that karate, huh?

Everyday.

You're lookin' good.
Yes, you are.

Hello, rob's place.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, i...

That's right. I--i guess.
I am his guardian, I guess.

Raj's mother's away.

He what?

No, no, no, no, not raj.

Mmm-mmm. Raj?

You got to be kiddin'.
He would never do
anything like that.

I don't care
if you're the principal
of yale university.

Roger thomas would not cheat
on some exam.

All right, all right,
all right. I'll be down there.

Huh? Well, just don't
expel him so fast.

Chico,
they just won't let me be.
They'll worry me to death.

Hey, rob, I'll be back!

Hey, where's my toast?

To your health.

All right.
What's goin' on here?

Hi, shirley. Sorry.

Uh, miss wilson?

That's right.
Uh, who are you?

Miss collins,
I was roger's teacher
in this class.

What's this all about?

Well, it seems that roger
was caught cheating on
the final history examination.

Why would he cheat?
He knows more history
than anyone.

I know that,
too, miss wilson.

He was my favorite pupil.

So why did you
squeal on him?

I didn't squeal on him.

The principal himself
was monitoring
that examination.

He was the fool
that squealed on him.

He caught roger cheating,
and he called me in,
and I had no choice.

So who did the principal
see him cheating from?

He wasn't cheating
from anyone, miss wilson.
He was cheating to.

Wait a minute,
I don't understand.
What--what?

Roger was giving his answers
to frederick.

Is that right, raj?

Yeah.

So where's
frederick's family?

Well, there's no point
in calling them in.
Frederick wasn't cheating.

As a matter of fact,
he apparently didn't even
want the answers.

Roger was trying
to force them on him.

Is that right?

Yeah.

Why, rerun? Why?

Shirley, he knew
all the answers.
I know he did.

We worked on 'em
all week long.

But, look, he wouldn't write
one thing down.

His paper is blank.
It's like he was trying
to flunk.

Uh, miss collins, can i, uh,
talk to these two alone
for a minute please?

Of course.
Thank you.

I'll be right outside.

What is it, shirley?

He's trying to flunk.
He's afraid of leaving
high school.

Afraid?
Why would I be afraid?

I'm not afraid
of anything.

Yes, you are. You're afraid
of startin' a new life,

Of not seein' raj
and dwayne like you used to,

Of not having the same places
to go to every day.

Rerun, you're afraid
of growin' up.

I'm afraid!
I'm afraid!

I'm afraid. You're right.

Why?

I've been here so long,
I wouldn't know what to do
any place else, raj.

High school is nice.

Everybody here knows me.
It's free.

And dwayne is here.

But for only
one more year, rerun.

And then what are you
gonna do?

Fall in love
with miss collins,
and stay here forever?

Miss collins
does have nice legs.

That was really nice of you
to let rerun take the exam
again, miss collins.

And what about her
gettin' the principal
to let you off the hook.

Thank her for that, too.

Oh, he doesn't
have to thank me.

Was I talkin' to you?

Thank her, raj.

Thank you, miss collins,
I mean, a lot.

See, did that hurt?

No.

I'm going to miss you, roger.

That's it, that's it!
I'm finished!

Don't you want to check it?

No, ma'am.
I know this stuff.
I had a great teacher.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Well, fredrick,
I might as well grade this
for you now.

You will? All right.
I bet you I got
everything right.

How much
do you want to bet?

You name it. I studied
everything on that test.

I'll bet you $5 that
there is not one mistake
on that paper.

Will you make it $1?

You got it.

How many e's in history?

Just one.

H-i-s-t-e-r-y.

[Guffawing]

I bet you thought I was goin'
to say h-e-s-t-e-r-y.

I'm wrong?

An "a" in history.

No kidding?

You mean,
it's h-a-s-t-e-r-e?

I give up.
Just take the money. Here.

No, frederick, you take it.
It's my graduation gift.

Congratulations.

An "a." An "a."

After 7 years, I got an "a."

Miss collins,
I could kiss you.

Carry on.

Oh, shirley, this is great.
What is it?

Well, at rob's,
we call it tuna surprise.

It sure doesn't taste
like tuna.

Surprise.

Shirley.

Yeah.

Uh, are you free
next saturday night?

Isn't your mother
goin' to be back by then?

Yeah, she'll be back.

Is she goin' out?

Uh-uh, she'll be home.

So what do you want
from me?

I want you to go with me
to my senior prom.

Why?

So he won't look like a fool
dancing by himself.

Didn't anybody else
want to go with you?

I didn't ask anybody else.

Look, just because
I made tuna surprise

And argue with your teacher,
you don't have to take me
to no dance.

I--i--i know.

I want you to go with me
because you're about
the nicest girl I know.

I don't do the hustle,

And any sucker tries
to cut in on us,

If you don't tell him,
"get lost," I'll walk out
of there.

All right. All right.

And I want
one of those pretty, uh,
corsages. Wrist corsages.

Wrist corsage.

And pick me up 8:00.
8:00.

8:00.
Ah, 8:00.

What did I say?
8:00.

8:00.

Shirley.
Huh?

If the band plays
a fast dance,

Get out of there.
He'll cut your legs
to ribbons.

Are you kidding?

Hey, I'm a great dancer.
Check this out, shirley.

All right.

You can
pick me up at 9:30.