03x02 - Shirley's Boyfriend

[bunniefuu]

♪[Jukebox music playing]

Hey, what's happening?

[All chattering]

Hey, rerun and joan
I want you to meet marilyn

[Girls]
hi.

And this is linda.
Hi, linda.

Hey, but let's get going.

Hold it.

Give us a few minutes
to get it together.

[Chuckling]
well, get it together.

Hey, hey,
check this out.

Did you borrow
your father's car yet?

Yeah ,man, we're gonna
go see jaws 2.

No, we're not.
We're going to see
benji goes to hawaii.

benji goes to hawaii?
man, I saw that.

And jaws 2 is playing
at the drive-in, rerun.

You know, drive-in?
With girls? Get it?

benji is also
at a drive-in.

Everybody's seen benji,
rerun.

Right! And that's why
the entire drive-in
is going to be empty!

Hey, right on.
Empty, ha.

Yeah.

Ah, I see you got
some women.
Big night, huh?

Very big night.

Raj set me and dwayne up
with a couple of young ladies
from his psychology class.

He told them we were both
in college.

Ha, no kiddin'.

Well, tell me, dwayne,

How do you expect
to convince a girl
that you're in college?

Well, I'll tell her
I'm in a fraternity.

Alpha kappa do.

Ok, uh, what are you
gonna have?

Oh, nothing.
We just came in
to make our plans.

Good. 'Cause I gotta
get out of here.

I got to be home by 8:00.

Oh, big date, too?

Oh, sure,
with jack morris.

Jack... Wait, you met
a new guy, shirley?

Jack morris? No, no, no,
see, he's the host
of my favorite show,

bowlin' for furniture.

bowling for furniture?

You mean to tell me
that's all you got
goin' on a saturday night?

Of course not.
Sometimes I do
other exciting things,

Like stare out the window
and look for a purple car.

Or, you see,
I can take this toaster

And I turn it up like this
and just bang
the crumbs out, you know?

Oh, fun stuff like that.
Yeah.

Well, I guess
I better be goin'.

Uh, you know,
I don't wanna miss
any of the bowlin'.

Oh, you know, uh, last week
a 90-year-old man
won a love seat.

Rerun. Rerun, come here.

Do you know shirley
watches t.v.
Every saturday night?

Now I wonder how often
she really gets out.

Well, I never heard her
talk about any guy.

Me, either.

I kind of feel sorry
for her.

Yeah, me, too.

Hey, why don't you
fix her up, raj?

Yeah. With one
of your professors, man.

One of them might be
right for her.

Oh, come on, dwayne,
I don't know any of them
well enough.

[Clicking tongue]

But I might have
somebody in mind.

Who?

Oh, there's this guy
my father knows.
I met him once.

What guy?

Ed. Ed roberts.
He's perfect.

He comes to town
every weekend.

We can invite him over
to our place tomorrow

And tell him
all about shirley.

Hey, all right!

Then it's settled.
Let's get goin', y'all.

Yeah.
Dwayne?

Stay cool. Remember,
you're a college man,
be cool.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I got it.

Cool, right?

I said be...

No, never mind, I'll...
Just follow me.

All right.

Ok, ladies, shall we
venture forth?

[Dwayne]
yes. Follow me.
I shall venture first.

Where are we goin'?

To the movies.

I don't wanna see a movie.

Don't worry.
You won't.

Raj, are you sure shirley
will like this guy?

I don't know.
I sure hope so.

[Knocking on door]

Oh, that's him.
Just a minute! Just...

Dwayne, help rerun
get this stuff
off the table.

What about this?
Pick those clothes up.

Just a minute,
be right there! Coming!

Hey!
Hey, raj.

[Chuckling]
oh. Ooh, ed.

This is rerun.

How's it goin', ed?
Hey, rerun.

[Yells]

And that's dwayne.
Dwayne.

Hey, what's happening?

Hey, raj,
good to see you.

Hey, good
seeing you, too.

Make yourself comfortable.
Thank you.

Hey, you want
something to drink?

Yeah, I'd like--
I could use a drink.
What do you got?

Well, we got kool-aid,
lemonade, gatorade,

And a jello
that didn't make it.

Give me some of that
lemonade, ok?

Ok.

Say, raj, you got
a nice little spot here.

Thank you,
thank you, ed.

It would look a lot better
if rerun would pick up
his laundry!

My laundry?

And who's funky shirt
is this?

It's mine.

I used it to cover
your funky socks!

Ooh.

I'm sorry, I'll put 'em away.

Say, fellas, look,
I got my truck
parked downstairs.

Now what can I
do for you, huh?

Oh, no, it's not
what you can do for us,

It's what we can do
for you.

Oh, yeah?
Well, uh, how's that?

Well, since you're
such a good friend
of my father's,

We thought we'd
introduce you

To a very special
friend of ours.

Very special.

She's very special.

All right. Now you tell me
what's so special about her.

Today I think
it's the goulash.

She-she's a waitress.

Not just a waitress.

She's the best waitress
in the world

And one of the nicest people
you ever wanna meet.

Yeah, and she's kinda cute.

And she's got
a lot of personality

And a whole bunch
of interests, too.

A lot of interests?
Well, like what?

Uh-uh-uh, like cooking.

And--and sewing.

And--and--and hand gliding.

I'll tell you what, fellas,
I'd like to meet her.

She sounds like
a well-rounded woman
to me.

Oh, she's well-rounded.
She is.

Oh, come on, shirley.
At least--
no, no, no.

No, that's it.
I mean, no, sir.

You know,
the last blind date I had

Took me out for dinner
and bowling.

Well, what's wrong
with that?

They were both
at the same place.

Dinner was a beer,

'Cause I had a glass
and he had 2 6-packs.

Oh, wow.

And then after that,
he just kept throwing the ball
in one gutter

And himself into another.

I don't need that. No.

Yeah, but, shirley,
this guy is not like that
at all.

He's a worldly guy.
A man with class.

He's the king
of the road

And he has
a lot of interests.

Come on, shirley,
he's a great guy.

Listen, there are no
great blind dates.
That's it.

Oh, come on, shirley,
it couldn't hurt
to meet him.

You never know,
he might like you.

Thanks a lot, rerun.

Hey, look--look,
I tell you what.

Why don't we ask him over,

Just to drop by
and you meet casually?

Yeah, and then
you can see
what he's like.

What do you say, shirley?
Is it worth a try?

No.

But, shirley, he's already
on his way over here.

What? Well, who said--
well, raj did.

He was just trying
to do you a favor.

Well, do me another favor
and stay out
of my business.

[Door bangs shut]

I think we
made a mistake.

Yeah, but what are we
gonna do about ed?

He's already
on his way over here.

Hmm, no, he's not.
He's here.

Hey, fellas,
how's it goin'?

Not so good.
Looks like you started off
on the wrong foot.

On the wrong foot?

Yeah. I--i think we made
a slight tactical error.

How's that?
[Dwayne]
we blew it.

All right, what happened?

Well, let us
put it this way.
Shirley is a bit antisocial.

Yeah, it seems like
she's gonna need

A little more
softening up, you know?

I think you better forget
about meetin' her for a while.

That's good by me.

Now there's a lady
I'd like to meet.

That's shirley!

♪[Humming]

It is?
Uh, shirley, come here.

What do you want?

I'd like you to meet
a very good friend of mine,
ed roberts.

Pleasure's all mine.

Uh, all right,
what are you buyin'?

I'll have
a cheeseburger.

[Dwayne]
milk shake.

[Raj]
french fries.

[Rerun]
hey, shirley,
did you get that?

Oh, yeah, that's
a cheeseburger,
a milkshake,

And big shoulders.

Hey, dee?

What?

Are you sure mom's ad
is in here?
I can't find it.

It's there,
for all the good it does

We've been tryin'
to rent your room
for 2 months

And that ad
hasn't helped a bit.

Oh, here it is.
Well, no wonder.

I think she should
add a few words.

At $3 a word,
she's not gonna
add a thing.

Well, let's hear it.

Ok, I'll read it.

"Room."

Yeah, it is
kinda skimpy.

[Knocking on door]

[Dee]
hi, shirley.

Hi, dee. Hi, raj.

Hi.
Hey, shirl.

Yeah.

Here's the suitcase.
Hey, while you're here,

Why don't you
take another look
at the room?

Another look?
Are you gonna
rent my room, shirley?

Well, I was thinkin' about it,
since they went up on my rent.

Hey, but thanks to you,
I may not need
an apartment now.

You are looking at
one in-love person.

You're in love with him?

How gross!

No, no. See,
he introduced me
to my new main man.

You and ed are
workin' out?

Me and ed are
workin' way out.

Oh, that's
a wonderful man

You introduced me to,
raj.

Who is this man
anyway, raj?

Oh, he's a friend
of daddy's, ed roberts.

I don't think
I've ever met him.

No, you haven't.

Well, everyone will be
meetin' him real soon.

You know, this thing's
getting' pretty serious.

Gosh, shirley, that's great.

I'm really glad
to see you feelin'
so happy.

Thanks. Uh, I'm gonna
get this, uh, suitcase here

'Cause ed wants to take me
to las vegas for the weekend.

Ooh...

Ooh...

Oh, I'm gonna tell mama.

She is not my mama.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, but that
sounds great, shirley.

Oh, it is.
See, it's their
bargain weekend.

[Both]
mmm-hmm.

See, you get 3 days
and 2 nights

Of fun filled frolic,
you know.
Mmm.

Which includes
a roll of nickels,

Strawberry daiquiris
for two. Huh?

Uh-oh.
Huh? Huh?

And then a ham
and egg breakfast,

Mmm.

Includin' hash browns.

Mmm.

And an optional visit
to the little chapel
in the desert.

What do you do there?
Pray for luck?

No, but I have
a sneaky suspicion

Ed is going to
propose to me
this weekend.

Propose?

[All clamoring]

So I just wanted
to get this,
so I could pack--

Ok, right on.
Yeah, ok.

Have fun!

[Phone ringing]
and congratulations.

Hey, hey, hey.

That's my girl.
Oh, hi, daddy.

[Rerun]
♪ las vegas

Will you guys
hold it down?

Oh, the noise?

Everyone's excited
'cause shirley finally
got a boyfriend.

You know him, ed roberts.

Ok, I'll see you this weekend.
Bye, daddy.

Isn't that good news
about shirley and ed?

And, dee, they may
really get married.

No, they won't.

How do you know?

[Clicking tongue]

Because daddy told me
that ed roberts
already is married.

Dummy.

Now how could you guys
do this to shirley?

What do you mean
"us guys"?

You were there, too.

And didn't you agree
to fix her up with ed?

Uh-huh.
And didn't you think

He was a nice guy?

Uh-huh.

And didn't you think
shirley would like him?

Uh-huh.

Then you tell shirley
ed's married.

Uh-uh!

[Sighing]
well,

I guess we'll all
have to tell her.

But the question is
how we gonna tell her?

Well, I think we should
tell her the truth.

Yeah, but there are 2 ways
of telling the truth.

Now sometimes
the truth is hard
to swallow all at once.

Like, uh,
brussel sprouts.

Brussel sprouts?

Yeah. When I was a kid
I used to hate
brussel sprouts,

So I would eat
one leaf at a time,

But my mama taught me

They would go easier
if I swallowed them whole.

Fool!

Mmm-hmm, that may work
for little brussel sprouts,

But we're dealing with
a cabbage.

You know, I think
we ought to break the news

That ed's married
very gently.

Yeah, but how do we begin?

Well, we start
by telling her
he's engaged.

Well, you know,
this is not gonna be easy.

I got it! Did you see
saturday night fever?

They had a similar situation
in that movie.

John travolta had to
tell this girl

That her boyfriend
was married.

That wasn't
saturday night fever.

That was
the buddy holly story,

And it wasn't john travolta,
it was gary busey.

No, no, no,
it wasn't gary busey.

It was warren beatty
in heaven can wait.

And he falls in love
with this beautiful
english girl.

No, no, no, no,
you're thinkin'
about tatum o'neal

In international velvet.

A-a-and she didn't
fall in love with the girl,

She fell in love
with the horse,

And then they had to
tell her that the horse
had a broken leg.

Well, what did they do
with the horse?

They shot it.

Let's sh**t shirley.

Only if she has
a broken leg.

No, no, look,
we can't sugarcoat it.

I mean,
the kindest thing to do

Is just to come right out
and tell her the truth.

Shirley, we got some
bad news for you,

But you're a mature
adult person,

So I know you can take it.

Ed roberts has a wife
in pittsburgh.

Now, I think that is
the kindest way
to tell her.

How do you think
she'll take it?

It will k*ll her.

♪[Humming]

[Knocking on door]

Oh, hi, guys. Come on in.

Hey, shirl,
are you alone?

Uh...sure, no one is here.

Good. Um, we just, uh,
stopped by to visit you
before you left.

Oh, I'm glad you did.
Look, I can't
thank you guys enough

For introducin' me to ed.

I-it was our pleasure,
shirley.

Yeah, that was the easy part.

Hey, shirley, are you sure
you wanna go to las vegas?

Oh, yeah, I'm dyin' to go.
You know, I never been there.

Shirley, do you like
brussel sprouts?

What?

I mean, do you eat 'em whole
or--or one leaf at a time?

I eat them whole.

[Sobbing]
hit her with it, raj.

Hey, what is this?
What's goin' on?

[Sighing]

Shirley, sit down.

I am sitting down.

Oh, yeah. Ok, shirley,
I'm just gonna
give it to you straight.

Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.

You see, due to certain facts
that have recently
come to our attention,

We have reason
to believe,

I mean, that is,
we are reasonably sure,

I'm giving this
to you straight now,
mmm-hmm.

That there's
a possibility that,

Well, it just may be
that being in the situation
that you're in,

That you don't even
know about it--
raj, raj, raj, raj,

Raj, what are you
trying to say?

Ed roberts

[Mumbling]
has a wife in pittsburgh.

What?

Ed roberts has a wife
in pittsburgh.

Oh, oh, oh, that.
Oh, yeah, well,

A wife? Oh, I know.

Is that what this is all...
Oh, oh, I know
about that, yeah.

Shirley, you knew?
We didn't know that you knew.

Oh, sure, sure. Um,

They're going to
get a divorce.

Uh, he doesn't barely
see her anymore.

Oh, so you really are
the only woman his life?

Of course. Uh,
why else would I be going
to las vegas with him?

Well, look here,
I gotta pack so you all
gotta leave, you know,

'Cause I gotta
get out of here.

Sure, shirl,
say no more

[All chattering]

Sorry to bother you.
[Shirley]
thanks, guys.

Ok, bye.
Bye-bye.

Oh, why me?

[Knocking on door]

[Sniffing]
huh. Ok.

[Breathing deeply]

Hey, baby.

Hello, sweetheart.

Mmm! Look.

Hmm?

I got the plane tickets
and the reservations.
We're all set to go.

Great!

Say, let me
take a look at you.

Huh? Huh?

I can hardly wait
till we get there.

Ooh.

A little
night club dancing,
yeah.

And a little
entertainment.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, hey, come on, ed,
let's quit playing games.

Now how's that?

Well, you know
why you're taking me,

And I know
why you're taking me.

Ohhh, now
you're talking, baby.

And if a man and woman
care about each other,

They should do
something about it.

Right.

And you and I
obviously care
about each other,

So I think we should do
something about it.

And what do you
have in mind?

Seeing the ring.

Ring?

Yeah, yeah,
the wedding ring.
You know.

Oh, I'm just dyin'
to see what you got me.
Where--where is it?

[Clicking tongue]
hey, I don't get it, baby.

Where did you
get the idea
of a wedding?

Well, naturally,
we're gonna get married,
aren't we?

I mean, we're going
to las vegas together.

Yeah, we're goin'
to las vegas,

But I didn't say anything
about gettin' married.

Oh, then we're gonna have
2 different rooms?

Well, no.
I mean, not exactly.

Look, I'm a truck driver.

I could barely afford
one room.

One room, huh?

Well, you better enjoy
sleepin' in the truck.

Look, baby,
we're--we're grown people
here now.

All right, you know,
I'm all for having fun.

Good.
And it's just
for laughs, huh?

Just for a few laughs.

Let's get ready
to go, but...

Yes.
Just let me make
one phone call.

I promised
'em people.

[Both]
make it short.

Yes, I will, baby.

Yeah, hi. It's me again.

Mmm. The vegas trip is on.

Mmm? Yeah,
we're leavin' tonight.

Y-yeah, well, ed and I
will be staying at the, uh...
Wait just a minute.

W-w-what's the hotel,
honey?

The desert sun.

The desert sun.
Yes.

Yes. Uh-huh, the desert sun.

Child, we'll be there
for 3 fun days.

And 2 star filled nights.

Oh, cut that out.
Did you hear that?

Mmm-hmm. Yeah,
we'll be back sunday.

Or maybe monday,
you never know.

Oh.

Uh-huh? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, ok, ok, ok. Wait.

Well wait a minute,
wait a minute.

She--she wants
to say goodbye to you.

Just say goodbye
to her.

Do me a favor,
just say goodbye.

Well, uh, who is it?

Your wife.

Say goodbye to her.

Turkey!

Hey, dee.

[Dee]
hi.

Oh, by the way,
did anyone come
to see the room?

Well, we had a few calls,
but the only person that came
was a wino.

A wino?

Well, did you
show it to him?

No. We showed him
the front door.

What did he say?

He looked outside,

And he said,

"Huge room, I'll take it."

Then he moved in.

Well, I gotta find someone
to take this room fast.

What's the rush?

Well, mama keeps
hinting to me
about moving back in,

And I'm not gonna move back
in here.

Thank goodness.

[Knocking on door]

Hey, shirley.

Hey, raj and dee.

Well, here's the suitcase
I borrowed.

Hey, thank your mother.

You can take it anytime.

Well, maybe the next time
it'll make it to the airport.

You sure you won't
change your mind

About takin' the room?
Please?

No, no.

Oh, but I
don't understand why.

I mean, you've been
complaining for months

That they raised
your rent up too high.

Well, I know why
you're asking me,

And--and believe me,
I appreciate it.

See, you think I'm
feeling lonely now.

No way.

Pure business.

We got a room for rent
and we need the money,

So come on and take it.

Pure business.

Pure business.

No sentiment.

No sentiment.

And you'll treat me
just like a total stranger?

Who is this chick, raj?

Beats me.

Then you got a deal.

All right!

Shirley?
Hmm?

That'll be
2 months rent
in advance.

Put it here.

Hello?

Oh, hi, james.

Sure, that sounds good.

Right. Well, listen,
shirley is in charge here
tonight.

So I have to check with her.

Shirley, can I go out
with james tomorrow?

Where to?

The movies.

Well, what time is he
bringing you back home?

4:00.

Hmm.

How old is he?

14.

Oh, yeah?

That sounds good
to me.

Oh, ask him one more thing.

What's that?

Is he married?

Divorced.

Yeah, james? It's all right.
I'll see you tomorrow.

All right. Bye.

Well, it's about 8:00,
we better decide, dee.

Ok, I hope
I win this time.

Ok, wait, call it now.

Heads.

Tails. You lose.

[male announcer]
ladies and gentlemen,
it's time to play

Bowling for furniture.

See, that's jack morris.
See there he is.

and now,
for our first contestant.

♪[music playing]

That's the wino.

He's cute. Is he married?