03x03 - Basketball Brain

[bunniefuu]

But I need more help, raj.

Dwayne, I've got to study
for my finals.

What, I got to help
you study,
help dee study?

Where am I gonna find the time
to make some money
for next semester's books?

Raj, didn't you put an ad
in the newspaper

To tutor foreign students
in english?

Yeah, and 7 people called.

What happened?

I don't know.
I couldn't understand
what they were saying.

[Knocking on door]

I'll get it.

Hi, fellas.
Which one of you
is roger thomas?

[Raj]
oh, I am.
What can I do for you?

[Rerun]
it's snake.

Roger! I'm ed finley.

You've heard
of fair ed finley's
fine cars,

Down on central?

Oh, yeah.

The snake.

I want you to meet one
of the best basketball players

Ever to come down the pike.
Jerry simpson!

Better known as...

[Both]
the snake!

[Laughing]

Hey, glad to meet you,
snake, man.

I saw you
score those 50 points

Against long beach
last week.

Tell me, man,
how'd you do it?

Oh, I guess
I was just lucky--

Oh, lucky?

Why, 10 jump shots,
16 free throws
and 7 lay-ups. Right, snake?

I think
it was more like--
you think?

Hey, what are we all
standing up for?

Well, have a seat, fellas,
make yourselves at home.

Now that
you're all comfortable,
can I get you guys anything?

Not for me.

I'll have an apple.

Later, kid.

Roger, I'll get right down
to the hubcaps,

As we say
in the car business.

I suppose you've heard
of northern university.

Oh, yeah.

Our big blue bombers.

Well, I'm a big
blue b*mber booster.

You see, we've given the snake
an athletic scholarship

To go up and play
for us next season.

Hey.

Oh, wow,
that's great.

Congratulations, snake.

Hey, how does it feel
to be playing
for a big university?

Hey, I can hardly wait.

Oh, hey,
he's really excited about it.
Aren't you, snake?

Sure, and I can't wait
till I get there--

Yeah, but there's
only one problem.

He still has to graduate
from city college
down here.

I've been having
trouble with my english.

Sure, sure, you have.
And that's where
you come in, roger.

We saw your tutoring ad
in the paper.

Yeah, what I
really need--

The snake has
a final exam next week

And he needs some help
with his english.

I can understand that.

He doesn't get much time
to speak it.

You know, snake,
he's got a point there.

That's right, mr. Finley.
Whenever--

Hold that thought, snake.

Roger, the snake wants
to play basketball
and that's his right.

Here in america,
a man should be able
to make his own decisions

And choose
his own career.

Yeah, I'd like
to be an astronaut.

Eh, forget it, kid.

What do you say, roger?

You wanna help the snake
pass that final exam
next monday?

I'd love to.

Oh, great! Great!

I'll just leave you
to get started.

Son, we need the snake
real bad.

With him, we could get
into the playoffs.

You know, national t.v.,
Howard cosell,

The whole bit! Right?

Right! And you can
count on me, sir.

Oh, good,
good, good.

You take care of us,

We'll take care of you.

Ok. Oh, mr. Finley, uh,

One thing, my tutoring fee
is, uh, $3 an hour.

$3 An hour?

Ok, $2.50.

Roger, you're getting
$5 an hour.

And here's 4 hours
in advance.

Well, thank you,
mr. Finley.

Oh, forget it. Remember?

You scratch my back,
I'll scratch yours.

[Chuckles]

Hey, check this out.

A $20 itch.

Ok, raj, here's a math problem
I'll need your help with.

Ok, dee,
but this has to be
the last problem now.

Come on,
give it to me.

Ok.

"Mr. Smith has
one-half acre of lawn

"And his wife
has a rose garden.

"Mr. Jones has
a full acre of lawn

And his wife
grows petunias."

Right, right.

So mr. Smith's wife's name
is rose

And mr. Jones is married
to petunia.

No, raj, you're confused.

You'd be confused, too.

I've been tutoring
so many people
I've forgotten who I am,

Or who I'm talking to.

Maybe you ought
to get some sleep.

I can't. After I get
through with you, I got
to get back to the snake.

You know, I was
with him till 2:00
in the morning?

Oh, yeah?
How's he doing?

Not too well.

I had to begin
with the basics.

Grammar and spelling?

Mmm-mmm.
Clay and finger-paints.

Look, I haven't got
all night.

Now did you, uh,
do your homework

And memorize all
the reproductive parts
of the flower?

Reproductive parts
of a flower?

I didn't even know
flowers messed around.

Oh, wait a minute.

I'm studying botany
and you're studying math.

Raj, you're weird.

Dee, do you want
my help or not?

Ok, try this one.

Lay it on me.

Raj gets paid $5 an hour
to tutor a basketball player

And stays up with him
all night.

Therefore, he has no time
to study for his own finals

And flunks out of school.

How long will mama whip raj?

No, no, no, snake.

Now let me explain it
to you one more time.

A pronoun is not a noun
that takes money.

A pronoun is--

Hey, I don't wanna
disturb you guys--

Then don't disturb us.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Mmm-hmm.
A pronoun is--

But there's
a basketball game on.

Snake.

Dwayne, please,
we're trying to study.

But it's u.c.l.a. And u.s.c.
In the playoffs.

All right!

Snake! Study,
study. Passing.

How you can stay in here
when that's going on in there,

I don't understand.

Dwayne...

Oh, now that you
explain it that way...

Ok, now let's go back
to nouns.

Now, ah, the subject
of a sentence
is usually a noun,

And a noun is a person,
place, or thing.

Right!

Good.

Ok, now,

I want you to find the noun
in this sentence.

The party begins
at 9:00.

Noun. Person, place
or thing.

The party begins
at 9:00.

The thing... The clock!

Wrong. But you're
on the right track,

And I'm sure
you're gonna get there. Ok?

Hey, I'll tell you,
let's skip nouns for a minute

And go straight
to adjectives.
They're much easier.

Right on.
Ok.

All right. Ahem.

Now adjectives
describe a noun.

If a noun is a car,

Then blue
would describe it.

Gotcha.

Ahem, all right,
give me a sentence
using an adjective.

Sentence.

I took my car
to the party.

Blue car.

I don't have a blue car.

Well, what color
is your car?

It's kind of reddish,
but it's a little more rust.

It's got gold racing stripes,
it's got 4 on the floor. Whoo!

Snake. Snake.

Whatever the color is,
use your car at the party.

At the party,
nancy and I sneaked out

And got into the back seat
of my car.

Snake! Snake,
snake, snake.

No, no, no!

That's what she said.

Hey, you guys just missed
the play of the year.

Man, tasha came down
with the ball, right?

And then he
boxed out wilson, spun it,
put it between his legs,

Leavin' wilson
standin' like a fool.

And then he drove
to the base line, spun,

Up with a left-handed
slam-dunk,

2 Points for the bruins.

All right!
All right!

[Dwayne]
raj. Ow!

Back to english.

Uh, let's see. Verbs.

Now a verb is...

[Knocking on door]

Oh, now what?

Oh, mr. Finley.
Hey, roger.

Snake. How's he
treatin' you?

Fine, sir--
great, great.

So, how's he
comin' along?

Uh, coming along,
coming along.

Snake, why don't you
go in the bedroom

And watch t.v.
With dwayne and rerun?

Oh, sure, raj.

Bedroom is a noun,
rerun is a thing.

Snake, that's right,
yeah.

Uh, mr. Finley,
could you have a seat?

Ok.

Ok, mr. Finley,
I'm gonna give it
to you straight.

The snake
has been improving,

But I doubt
if he'll know enough
to pass that test by monday.

Snake? Oh.

[Clicking tongue]

Uh, and then
there's another problem, too.

You see, I've been spending
so much time

Helping the snake
with his exams,

I haven't had time to study
for my own final exams.

I understand.

Look, I don't want
your grades to suffer
because of the snake.

Well, you've worked hard
and I appreciate it.

By the way,
I owe you some money.

Oh, yeah, about that money.
You don't even--

That's 12 hours
at $5 an hour, $60.

Oh, thank you.

And here's an extra $5
as a bonus.

Oh, no, mr. Finley.
You don't have to do this.

Mr. Finley...

$500?

Oh, no, mr. Finley, you--
hey, you made a big mistake.

Oh, no mistake.
It's all yours.

Roger, you're a very smart
and bright kid

And some day
you're gonna be somebody.

Well, thank you.

On the other hand, the snake
is just a ball player

And that's all
he's ever gonna be.

I can't agree
with you there, sir.

Sure you can, kid.

Listen, if you spend
all your time
helping the snake,

You won't be able
to pass your own exams.

I'm lookin' out for you, son.
I like you.

But, what about
this money--

Oh, that, that.

I want you to spend
just one more hour

Helping the snake.

[Laughing]

One more hour?

Mr. Finley, you have
a great sense of humor.

That is really funny.

Imagine me earning
$500 an hour.

Imagine you going down
to that english class

And taking the test
for the snake.

Think about it.
I'll be back in an hour.

Raj, why don't tell finley
right away

That you aren't
gonna take that test?

I don't know. I guess
I was in a state of shock.

If he gave this to me,

I'd be
in the state of hawaii.

Raj, let's end this.

You can't take
that test for $500.

That's cheating.

Now just tell finley
$5000 or nothin'.

Now take me home
because it's late
and I'm getting cranky.

Dee, it's not that simple.

If I don't take the test
for snake,

He'll flunk
out of school.

I agree.

But if I tutor you
and dee and snake,

Then I'll flunk
out of school.

I agree.

But if I just take the test,
then I can have the time

To tutor you and dee
and study myself.

I agree.

Dwayne, all this agreeing
isn't helping anything.

I agree.

I've got the answer!

[Raj]
what?

Get yourself a tutor.

[Knocking on door]

I'll get it.

What's happenin', snake?

Hey, rerun. Dwayne, dee.
[Dwayne]
hi, snake.

Raj, mr. Finley told me
about you takin' the test
for me.

Yeah, I gotta talk to you
about that, snake.

You know, snake,
if you cheat on that exam,

You're gonna
be cheating yourself
out of an education.

I mean,
there is more to life
than a basketball.

Not to me.

Come here,
let me explain it to you.

What's that?

My knee.

Right. Now I want you
to imagine

That I am karim abdul-jabbar.

It's a big game
and in the final seconds,
the score is tied.

So you and I go up
for a rebound.

Yeah, dee. And then
head fake right,

Head fake left.

Sit down, dwayne.

Now in coming down
with the rebound,

I land on your knee.

[Grunting]

And it's injured so bad
that you can't play ball
anymore.

Then where are you?
Get my point?

Yeah.

See, snake, what dee
is trying to say is that

An injury could end
your career in a second,

And without an education,
you might end up
like a lot of those

Ex-athletes
who are janitors

Or ticket takers
at some stadium.

Yeah.

Raj, I have an idea.

Dwayne and I can make out
all right by ourselves,

So you could just drop us
and work with the snake.

Brilliant idea.

Of course.
I'm a brilliant person.

Hey, snake, if you
and I work together,

You could really
learn something,

And then you could
pass that test yourself.

Now what do you say?

All right.

[Knocking on door]

Mr. Finley.

Hi, roger.

Think it over?

Yep. And I've decided
the snake will do all right.

Oh, good.
I knew you'd do it.

You're my kind
of people, roger.

Snake, snake,
did you hear that?

Roger's joined the team.

No, I haven't.

Huh?

There's no way I'm gonna
take that test, mr. Finley.

And what you're
asking me to do
is unethical.

Hey, kid,
this is the real world.

You want ethics,
join the osmond family.

Snake, can you believe him?

Yes, sir, mr. Finley,
I can believe all of them.

They care about me.

Snake, don't make
a mistake.

You need me.

No, I don't, mr. Finley.

You don't care about me
or raj.

You're just trying to buy
yourself a winning team.

I know that now.

I'm gonna get my degree first,
then I'll play basketball.

Listen, kid, by the time
you get your degree,

You might be too old
to play basketball.

Well, mr. Finley,
I'm gonna try.

Here's your money back.

Go buy yourself
another sucker.

Oh, snake!

My friends call me snake.

You can call me
mr. Simpson.

Now I really
gotta pass that test.

Hey, snake, you and I
are gonna lock ourselves

In this room for 2 days
and study.

Now you can do it.

Yeah, and we're all
behind you 100%.

Thanks, dee.

Yeah, snake,

You gotta pass that test.
For me.

For you?

Yeah. Dee just bet me
$5 that snake would flunk.

[Yawning]

All right. All right.

All right, snake,
let's go over
what we learned so far. Ok?

Ok.

Now tell me what is a noun.

A noun is a person,

Place, or, or...

Thing.
Right!

All right, um,

Now remember, an adjective
describes a noun.

So in the sentence,

"The brown banana is spoiled"

Which word is the adjective?

Ok.

"The brown banana
is spoiled."

Come on, which word
is the adjective?

Hey, I'm sorry, raj,
I'll never get this stuff.

Mr. Finley was right.

The only thing
I can do is play basketball.

I'm just a big dumb jock.

Snake.

Look, you are not dumb.

The problem is no one
has ever made you study,
that's all.

I know. Usually,
they put me in classes
like music appreciation.

Music appreciation?

Yeah. They say,
"would you like
to hear some music?"

And I say,
"I'd appreciate that."

And they give me a "a."

Oh, brother.

Hey, I got an idea.

Snake, what is this?

My basketball.

Hey, that's pretty good.

But what is
a basketball?

The person, place,
or thing?

It's a thing.

And that would
make it a noun!

Right. Now what do you
do with your basketball?

Sleep with it.

No, snake,
besides that.

I dribble it.

And dribble is a verb!

Right! Now do you
dribble it slowly

Or quickly?

Are you kidding?
I can make this sucker
lay down,

Roll over and bring me
the morning paper.

All right, that's good.

But do you dribble it
slowly or quickly?

Dribble is a verb,

So quickly would be
an adverb?

You got it, snake!

Hey, I did it!
Didn't i, raj?

Oh, I'm so happy!

Hey, you didn't know
how much I wanted this, raj!

Oh!

Lordy, what's taking the snake
so long?

I mean, he took
that test an hour ago.

Give it to us
straight, raj.

Do you think
he passed that test?

Yes, I do, dwayne.

You know, I crammed 2 years
of english into him in 2 days.

We studied
for 48 hours straight.

48 Hours?

How did you keep him
awake that long?

I used a technique

That only the snake
would understand.

What's that?

[Whistle blowing]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

The next time
you want somethin',

Try raisin' your hand.
Don't do that here.

Oh, no, shirley, this--
I wasn't talkin' to you,

I was talkin'
about, uh, the snake.

Snake? Snake, snake,
snake, snake.

Snake, snake,
snake, snake.

That's all I've been hearin'.
Snake, snake, snake.

When am I
gonna meet this guy?

You know, I could show him
a thing or two
about basketball,

'Cause you know I used to be
all league in high school.

Yes, sir. You wanna see me
pass a bowl of chili
behind my back?

Hi, everybody.

Hey, snake.

Snake, this is shirley.
Shirley, this is snake.

Hi, shirley.

Raj, shake hands
with the happiest guy
in the world.

Congratulations.
Obviously you passed.

No, I flunked.

If you flunked,
why are you so happy?

Hey, I'm happy because
of all of you guys.

For the first time in my life
somebody helped me,

Not because
I was a big shot athlete,

But because you cared
about me as a person.

Yeah, but you flunked
out of school, snake.

Dee, you can't
change a person
into a student overnight.

What you guys did
was to show me that

I don't have sweat socks
for brains.

Maybe I didn't get
all the answers.

But for the first time
I knew all the questions.

Next time
I'll get it all.

Next time?

Yeah.

I really would like
to go to night school.

I know I can
make up my grades.

But with mr. Finley gone,

I don't know where
I'll get the tuition money.

Hey, wait a minute,
snake.

We could use some help
around here.

That's if you want
to work.

Sure, I'll do anything!

Ok, you can get started.
Clear this table for me.

All right.

No, baby, no,
you don't understand
what I'm saying.

Come here, honey.
Nobody scream at him,
he'll get nervous.

We'll--we'll talk.

What I'm talking about
is clear the table,
sweetheart.

Put it back down.

That's the way.

Very good.
That's the way.

Where's the snake?

I don't know.

[Dwayne]
I thought he was
in the kitchen.

[Raj]
hey, man of the hour.
Congratulations.

[Snake]
thanks. Thanks.

Ok, here's your order, rerun.

The rest of your orders
will be up in a minute.

Hey, what's all this
I hear about congratulations?

I made a b minus
on my first night school
english test.

That's great.
That's great.
All right.

Yeah, and mr. Finley said
you were a loser.

You really came through
in the stretch.

[Shirley]
hear, hear.

Yeah, it proves
you got to have faith.

[Shirley]
hear, hear.

You know, that reminds me
of a story my mother
once told me

About my grandfather.

See, he once had faith
in a horse.

He took every penny
that he and my grandmother
had saved

And he bet it
on the horse.

My grandmother told him
not to do it, but he did it
anyway with every penny,

Because he had faith
in the horse.
Yeah.

And then the day
the race came, he went up
to the grass stand

And he watched.

Well, what happened?

Oh, well,
the horse broke its leg,

And my grandmother
shot my grandfather.