03x19 - The Last Page

[bunniefuu]

[Knocking on door]

[Raj]
dwayne.

[Knocking continues]

Dwayne, will you get the door
I'm not finished dressing yet.

Well, I'm glad
to hear that, raj.

Because I don't think

The world is ready
for those legs.

Dee and shirley.

Hi, dwayne.

What's happenin'?

Oh, where's raj and rerun?

Rerun should be here
any minute.

Raj is dressing his legs.

His legs?

I've seen them dwayne.
Those aren't legs.

Those are 2 skinny pencils

With the erasers
in the middle.

Yeah, well,
they'd better hurry up

Or we won't make it
to the t.v. Studio

In time for the show.

Hey, don't worry.

Rerun will make sure
that we get in.

Hey, well, you know,
that's the advantage

Of living with
a t.v. Executive.

[Shirley]
hey, rerun.

[Dwayne]
hey, man of the hour.

All right, man. Let's go.
We're all ready.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Great.

You don't sound so excited.

Well, why should he be?

I mean this is just another
show for you, right, pal?

No, it's not
just another show, raj.

It's my last show.

What's he talkin' about?

What are you talkin' about?

I've decided to quit.

Quit?

Why?

Well, I thought that being
a page would help me
get into acting.

But so far, the only lines
I've gotten to say are:

"Step this way."

"No smoking please."

And the ever popular,

"Ladies room to the left,
men's room to the right."

It's dull, boring.

Hey, rerun, why don't you
switch and say,

"Ladies room to the right,
men's room to the left."

I mean,
it would liven things up, huh?

I've had it!
I'm through with that job.

Now, wait a minute, rerun.

Have you really
thought this over?

Yeah, I'm trapped
in this uniform.

Inside there's an actor
struggling to get out.

Well, maybe
if you let him out,

That uniform
would fit better.

Rerun, I thought
you were happy being a page.

Yeah, but becomin' an actor
is a full-time job.

As long as I was a page,
they never took me seriously.

For 6 months I went to
that castin' office every day,

Asking them, begging them.

They've been turning me down.

Maybe that's part of being
a page, gettin' turned down.

[Laughs]

Oh, come on, rerun, listen,
we'll forget about the show

And just go out and have
something good to eat.

No, no, no! That's been
one of my problems, too.

Every time things get tough,
I eat.

It's time I grew up!

[All]
hey.

[All cheering]

We made a date
to see that show

And I'm sticking to it.

[Raj]
all right!

Hey, as a matter of fact,

I'm gonna take you
on that backstage tour

I've been promising you.

Hey!

Oh, wow, man, that's tough.

I mean, it's your last show
and your last tour.

I mean, even though
you're down and out,

You still have time
for your friends.

That's right.

I mean, even though tomorrow
you'll be out of work,

No job, no money, no rent,

Finished, washed up,
a loser--

Knock it off, dwayne.

Come on, guys, let's go.

[Rerun]
now step this way.
Careful. Watch those tables.

Watch those tables.

Hey, that was great, rerun.

Yeah.

Hey, wait, wait a minute,
come on, come on, come on,
come this way.

Rerun, I never laughed
so hard in my life, man.

Yeah. The gong show
is always terrific.

You know, my favorite

Was that dancing goldfish
that sang.

[Laughs]

I felt kind of bad
when he drowned though.

Yeah. But if that fish had
been a good swimmer,

He wouldn't have been
on the gong show.

Hey, man, this is all
so exciting, rerun.

Did you see
those dressing rooms?

Uh, cindy williams,
penny marshall,

And ron howard?

Yeah.

Rerun, how could
you leave all this?

[Dwayne]
yeah, man.

It's the only way they'll be

A dressing room
marked fredrick stubbs.

Hey, let's get going.

Now come on, step this way,
step this way.

Fredrick stubbs. I like that,
I like that, rerun.

Ok, watch that light.

[Shirley]
ok.

[Rerun]
ok. Let--let me through.
Let me in the front.

I need to be in the front.

Ok, let me be
in the front.

Ok, for the first stop
on our tour,

I'll show you
the wardrobe room.

Oh, ok.

Just let me get
the lights, ok?

I know.

Ok, come on,
step right in.

Oh, wow!

Oh, my.
Fantastic stuff.

You know, this is where
they keep all the clothes

For all the a.b.c. Shows.

[Shirley]
yeah?

Oh, here's the scripts
they use.

Hey, look at those racks
over there.

barney miller,
laverne and shirley,

starsky & hutch.

Raj, psst, look, look.
Look right here.

Ooh! charlie's angels!

Uh, looky here.
happy days.

Well, and of course, you know
who this belongs to.

Oh, sure bet man,
the fonz. He's great.

You know, it's all
in the breaks you get.

If only they'd given
this leather jacket to me

Instead of henry winkler,

I bet I could've been
the fonz.

[Dwayne]
yeah.

You sure could.

Oh, yeah, right.
Sure you could.

You could've been
the fonz, rerun.

Yeah, yeah.

If only I had a chance,

A chance at the fonz.

Hi, potsie.

H-hi, richie.

The fonz. Where's the fonz?

I gotta talk
to the fonz, potsie.

Oh, gee willikers, richie,

He--he's not here yet.
Is it important?

Yeah, it's about a girl.

That's important.

[Motorcycle approaching]

Hey, that must be the fonz.

[Exclaims]

Hey.

Hi, fonz.

Who said you
could speak, nerd?

Here, park this.

Try not to smudge
the chrome.

Gosh, oh, golly, fonzie,

Can I have permission
to talk to you?

It's very important.

Hey, watch the leather,
cunningham.

I'm sorry, fonz.

What seems to be
the problem?

Fonz, it's--it's about a girl,
fonz. I need a girl, fonz.

No problem, cunningham.

Come over monday night.

That's when I put out
the leftovers. Hey!

I can't. I can't wait
till monday, fonz.

The prom is
tomorrow night, fonz.

I gotta get a date, fonz.

It's a matter
of life or death.

Life or death?

Yeah. If i-- if I don't get
a date, I'll just die.

Can I watch?

Potsie?

Yeah?

Sit on it.

Sure thing, fonz.

Where's my chair?
Get me a chair, cunningham.

Quick, quick, quick,
get me a chair!

All right, we gotta get
cunningham here a date.

Maybe you got a spare, fonz?

A spare fonz?
Impossible.

There's only one fonz.

When they made me,
they broke the mold. Yeah!

Richie, richie, mother says

You have to come home
right now.

But why?

It's almost 7:30.
Time for bed.

Ah, gee!

Gosh golly, gosh golly
gosh, gosh, golly, gosh,
gosh, gosh--

Cool it!

But I've 3 more left, fonz.
Gosh, golly, gosh.

Sit.

Fonz, what am I gonna do now?

Well, I just noticed

A beautiful young lady
sitting over there by herself

Drinkin' a soda.

Oh, oh,
jumping grasshoppers, fonz!

Oh, she is--
she is beautiful, fonz.

She's a teenage dream.

Why don't you ask her
for a date, rich?

I don't even know her.

I know her.

You do?

Would you introduce me
to her?

You're my brother.

Of course I'll introduce you
to her.

Oh, thanks, sis.

For 5 bucks.

Once you've seen one sister,
you've seen 'em all.

It's all right, cunningham.
The fonz'll handle it for you.

Absolutely gratis.

What does that mean, fonz?

I don't know,
but it sounds classy.

Now watch this.

You're about to see
a master ladies man do

What he was put
on this earth to do.

I'm watching, fonz,
I'm watching.

Excuse me,
my beautiful, exquisite gem.

I couldn't help but notice

Your shiny face
across this crowded room.

I was drawn to it
like a moth to a flame.

And I know you feel
the same way, right?

Hey!

Wrong. Hey!

Oh, tell me, who's your
good-lookin' friend over here?

Hi, handsome.

Hi, beautiful.

Hey, I'm the fonz.
Hey, don't you remember me?

I'm the fonz.
I'm the fonz!

Hey! Hey!

[Rerun]
hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Yeah, you're right.
You'd make a great fonz.

Yeah, that's a part I could
really get into.

Well, first, you gotta find
a jacket you can get into.

I better put this back.

Yeah, you better.

I feel like that goldfish
on the gong show.

Wow! Hey, hey, hey.
three's company.

Maybe that's a show
I could've done.

Rerun, you already ripped
the leather jacket.

Will you guys be careful?

You're liable to ruin

Suzanne somer's
entire wardrobe.

I could really do something
with that part.

Imagine sharin' an apartment
with 2 beautiful girls.

Oh, janet? Janet?

Jack, what is it?

Can I have a kiss?

Please.
What would chrissy say?

Well, I asked her last night,
and she said no.

The answer is still no.

Is this three's company
or nothing's happening?

Well, I guess you girls
will loosen up on the cruise.

What cruise?

I booked us on

A swinging singles cruise
to acapulco.

I can see it now.

The warm glistening sands,

The swaying palm trees,

The moonlight shinin'
on the rippling water.

And our rent money
drifting out to sea.

But what a way to go. Wow!

Jack, don't tell me
you spent

Our rent money
on those cruise tickets.

Janet, this is
my shuffleboard arm.

But mr. Roper said

He's coming up in 5 minutes
to collect the rent money.

Maybe chrissy
has some money.

Chrissy? Oh, chrissy.

Chrissy, come out here.

[Sighs]

Yes, jack?

You look so beautiful,
I forgot what I was gonna say.

The rent money?

Oh, yeah. Chrissy, do you know
where I can get $250?

Search me.

I'd love to.

[Exclaims]

[Knocking on door]

That must be mr. Roper.

I'll get it
no, no, no, no.

He-- I think he wants
the rent and we don't have it.

Well, it might
not be him, jack.

See? You're wrong.

It's not mr. Roper,
it's mrs. Roper.

And her husband.

Hi, mr. Roper.

Yeah, hi, kids.

We're here.
The redhead and the deadhead.

Oh, mrs. Roper, your hair
looks wonderful. Who does it?

Earl schibe.
It's not bad for $39.95, huh?

At that price,

You should have gotten some
body work thrown in.

Never mind.

I mean, your hair
looks lovely, too.

Thank you. I do it myself.
I tease it every morning.

Girl, how do you do that?

Well, I stand in front
of the mirror and I go,

♪ Na-na-na-na-na,
na-na-na-na-na ♪

[Giggling]

[Clearing throat]

Look, I come for the rent.
250 Smackaroos, please.

We don't have it.

Oh, too bad.

Well, I'm afraid I got
to throw the 3 of yous out.

Please let us stay.
Please let us stay.

Out!

Mr. Roper, please.

[Raj]
out you go! Out!

out you go! Out! Out!

Out you go. Come on, you guys
don't belong here.

Now let's move it,
let's get out of here.

Please let me explain.

You, get out
of that page's uniform.

Now hold on there, officer.
This is mine.

I just happen to be employed
by this network.

Oh yeah?

Prove it.

All right.

Step this way.

No smoking, please.

Ladies room to the left,
men's room to the right.

Yeah. You're a page.

Hey, ok, stubbs,

But, uh, finish up fast
and get your friends
out of here, ok?

Right. Thanks.

Thank you.

Sorry, guys.
I guess the tour is over.

Yeah, well,
we really had a great time.

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, we sure did.

And the next time
we come backstage,

It'll be to visit
fredrick stubbs, the actor.

Really.

Hey, let's get out of here.

Is everything back where
it belongs?

Wait a minute.

Hey, wait a minute.

Who does this belong to?

Who has 2 legs,
comes from another planet,

And says "na-nu, na-nu"?

[All]
mork!

Hey, that wasn't
too bad, rerun.

Yeah.

Hey, maybe if you'd gotten
a break,

That's who you could've been.

Me? Mork.

Hi, mork.

Hi, mindy.

I just got a hot flash
from planet ork,

Sizzle, sizzle.

Shh-shh.

Thanks. I needed that.

Now, what are you
talkin' about?

Have a seat.
Ok.

Some close relatives
are coming to visit.

All the way from ork?

I guess you could call them
distant close relatives.

[Rooster crowing]

Hark! I think
their egg is arriving.

It's taking them
a long time to get here.

No. It was a 3-minute egg.

Ark, ark, ark, ark, ark.

But why are they coming?

To make sure I'm living
with the right earth person.

To observe and to report
on these things

You earthlings call emotions.

Oh, they're coming here
to check me out?

But I'm not prepared.

I wouldn't know what
to say or to do, mork.

Don't worry, mindy.

I'll have time to brief you
before they get here

So that you
don't embarrass yourself.

[Knocking on door]

Sorry, mindy,
you're on your own.

Come in.

Mindy, I'd like you to meet
my relatives from ork.

This is cousin stork
and cousin gork.

Hi, stork. Hi, gork.

[Both]
hi.

[Smashing]

Was it something I said?

Of course not, mindy.

What they're trying to say is,
may our friendship last
for as many years

As there are pieces
on the floor.

Oh, yeah? Well, we have
a saying here on earth.

When a turkey breaks a dish,
he cleans it up.

[Beeping]

You must be tired
from your long journey.

Would you like
a refreshment?

[Beeping]

Do you have any cork, mork?

Coming right up.

Mindy, some cork
for gork and stork.

I don't think
we have any cork, mork.

Sure we do.

Red or white?

[Beeping]

I'll have
a little of both.

Na-nu, na-nu.

[Smashing]

Chablis 77.

Beaujolais 78.

Close game.

Ark, ark, ark, ark, ark.

Cork, stork?

No, thanks. I'm driving.

Here's looking at you.

[Bubbling]

Light bouquet,
smooth and delicious.

We have come for the show
of emotions.

Let us begin.

Begin what?

This is very important, mindy.

You must give gork and stork
all the emotions they ask for.

Where's our list, gork?

Our list?

Where's our
list of emotions?

Oh.

[Bleeping]

"Laughter."
"Anger."

"Fear."

"Passion and..."
"Sorrow."

I can't turn my emotions
on and off

Just like that, pork.

That's mork.

Sorry.

You have to try, mindy.

Laughter.

That should be
an easy one for you.

You mean just laugh?

Sure. Tell yourself
a funny story.

Got one.

Ok, I got one.

A man came up to me
on the street

And he said
he hadn't had a bite all day,

So I bit him.

[Laughing]

[Exploding]

[Electricity buzzing]

Sorry, mindy.
I have to go.

Go?

It looks like
the end for us.

They say all of your emotions
are phony.

Heavy sigh.
Heavy, heavy sigh.

Oh, I'm gonna
miss you, mork.

I'm going to
miss you, too, mindy.

Heavy, heavy sobs. Heavy.

Heavy, heavy.

Heavy, heavy.

Heavy, heavy.

Wait a minute.

Who are you
calling heavy, fool?

I'm sorry, shirley.

For a minute I thought
I was mork and you were mindy.

Mindy?

Rerun, come on, pal.

Pull yourself together.
You'll get your break yet.

Oh, rerun, don't worry,
you'll get a break.

Thanks for the tour, rerun.
It was great.

Yeah, man,
we had fun.

All right, guys, we better put
everything back.

All right. Put everything
back, everybody.

Yeah, let's get out of here.
Boy, we had a lot of fun.

I enjoyed it.

Step out this way.
It's not a bad job.

Fantastic, wasn't it?

And I had a good time.

Nice place.

[All chattering]

Hey, rerun, I bet you someday
they'll have your name up here
on these walls.

You bet.

Yeah, all I need
is one break. One break.

[All chattering]

I've been looking
all over for you.
I'm glad I caught you here.

What is this?
A summons?

No, no, no,
it's a phone message

From the
studio casting office.

It's marked urgent.

Studio casting office? Urgent?

Oh, yeah. That's what it says.
Look at that.

[All chattering]

The envelope, please!

Read it. What does it say?

It happened!
It finally happened!

What is it?

I got a job as an actor!

Rerun.

[All exclaiming]

Hey, it--it says I start
first thing in the morning.

I finally got my break.

Follow the star!

[All chattering]

Rerun, what a terrific show.

Mmm-hmm.

And what a great idea
for a t.v. Movie.

the network murders.

When do you come in, rerun?

Soon, soon.

Hey, well, I hope so.

We rented this color t.v.
In your honor.

Oh, I just can't wait.

Just think,
your first acting job.

Yeah. Look!
There's the k*ller.

[g*nshots on t.v.]

Oh, he's getting away
from the cops.

And he's breaking into
the t.v. Studio.
Look, look, look.

Where are you, rerun?

Soon, soon.

That's a mean dude.
Look at him topple
those people.

Look.

hey! Hey, you!

i'm looking for the boss
of the network.

don't look at me.
i'm--i'm just a page.

uh, step this way.
no smoking please.

men's room to the right,
ladies room...