(thunder rumbling)
[Announcer] Tonight on
"Frankenstein Theater,"
you're invited to join:
[Lauren] This
editing is amazing.
[Announcer] Lauren
Frankenstein and RoboRuju,
(monster wails) Right.
[Announcer] As they watch
the classic film
"The Magic Sword."
Stay tuned.
(thunder rumbles)
(organ plays)
(Lauren laughing)
Hello viewers, I am so
excited to introduce you
to my first successful creation,
introducing RoboRuju.
Hello Lauren Frankenstein.
Thank you for activating me.
Oh, you're welcome. My
father would be so proud.
What is a father?
A father is the
one who creates us.
- Are you my father?
- Oh no. I mean like kind of.
Why don't you say
hello to the viewers?
Hello to our viewers.
Today RoboRuju
and I are going to watch the
classic movie "The Magic Sword"
and we're gonna teach you
a little thing about magic.
I've always wondered
what it was like
to have a magic sword.
You've always wondered?
You've been alive
for like one minute.
Well, when you're a robot,
60 seconds feels
like an eternity.
Why don't we just
watch the movie?
Can I have popcorn with
movie theater butter?
It's not good for your circuits.
I'll risk it.
I'm already feeling
like a mother.
(gentle music)
[RoboRuju] What are those
words on the screen?
[Lauren] Those are the
names of the people
who worked on the movie.
[RoboRuju] That guy's
name is "The Magic Sword."
[Lauren] No, that's
the title of the movie.
[RoboRuju] Recalculating...
(dramatic music)
Rathbone?
That's a big dog name.
What is a dog?
[Lauren] I'll tell you later.
[RoboRuju] Setting timer
to remind you later.
(dramatic music)
[RoboRuju] There's
a lot of people
who worked on this movie.
[Lauren] There
would be a lot more
if they had a bigger budget
(dramatic music)
[RoboRuju] What is that
creature in the back?
[Lauren] I think it's
a horse or a unicorn.
[RoboRuju] Oh, no,
the picture went away.
[Lauren] It's coming
back. Don't worry.
(bubbling)
He's gone again.
He left home hours ago.
Hey, that looks like your lab.
[Lauren] I wish it
could like my lab.
Answer me someone.
(chimp snorting)
He's not fooling me.
[RoboRuju] Is that a man?
[Lauren] Yes, no,
that's a monkey.
Set the magic pool again.
Love is his curse.
He is in love.
[Lauren] Those are my cousins.
I don't know it.
I've tried to cure him of it.
Am I losing my skill
as a sorceress?
[Lauren] Ooh, that
was impressive.
No, no, Sybil
Doesn't my witchcraft cure
snakebites, chill blends,
carbuncles, pink
eye, hang nails.
[Lauren] That's
quite the resume.
Yes, yes, Sybil.
And why can't I rid
the boy of this fever?
George is a man and human.
Human, yes, but hardly a man.
He's a mere boy of 20
In love.
George, already a man in love.
He ought to be at home learning
a good trade like mine.
[Lauren] Like learning to
turn candles on and off.
(dramatic music)
Pool of magic. Obey my wish.
Bring her vision into my soul.
[Lauren] That's a man.
[RoboRuju] I like this man.
Can you make one for me father?
[Lauren] Later, later.
(wondrous musical notes)
No, no, inside.
Perhaps the throne room.
(wondrous musical notes)
[RoboRuju] Do all men like
to spy on women like this?
[Lauren] Yes.
Yes they do.
Don't look at that.
[RoboRuju] Mother, I've
already seen everything
on the internet.
[Lauren] That was fast.
(gentle music)
Try the sunken garden in the
palace by the oriental pool.
(wondrous musical notes)
That's right. That's right.
There she is
There she is.
(gentle music)
[RoboRuju] I want to
swim in the water.
[Lauren] You can't,
you'll get rusty.
[RoboRuju] Mother, has
she given him permission
to look at her naked?
[Lauren] No.
(gentle music)
I hope the cold waters chilled
your hot temper, my lady.
No, I'm just as furious as ever.
Oh princess.
Oh, it's easy enough
for you to talk.
You can do whatever you please.
Fall in love. Fall
out of it again.
Squire one day, a
stable boy the next.
But I might as well be
a prisoner in a tower.
I can't even speak to a man,
let alone have him look at me.
It's a penalty of
being a princess.
But even apprentice
should be allowed romance.
Oh, how will I ever meet him?
[Handmaiden] Who, my lady?
[RoboRuju] Do all women
wear makeup when they swim?
[Lauren] In California, they do.
You'll have your chance someday.
You run along.
But your gown.
I'll dress myself.
Well then what will you do?
Oh, what I always do.
Sit here and dream.
(birds chirping)
Princess Helene.
(suspenseful music)
Who are you?
What do you want?
Stay away.
[RoboRuju] She is
not staying away.
[Lauren] No, she's not.
You keep coming any closer?
- [Lauren] Run.
- I'll take good care of you?
[Lauren] Run.
Why isn't she running?
Well, she's stuck now
and her eyes are green.
[RoboRuju] His magic
water stopped working.
He should have added
another quarter.
I like that man.
[Lauren] He's very handsome.
So that's what they
call a romantic lead.
(tense music)
Sybil?
Sybil, where are you?
You needn't shout,
George, I can hear you.
I must leave here.
She's in danger.
Who in the nether world
do you talking about?
[Lauren] Why is
she playing dumb?
She was just talking about
this with the monkey.
(laughing)
From a reflection in the water
and you call it love,
you silly child.
Something terrible
has happened to her.
Let me see what you
are talking about.
[RoboRuju] Do men always
fall in love this easily.
[Lauren] The desperate ones do.
Magic mirror, show me
what has upset my boy.
(twinkling notes)
[Lauren] I want one of those.
The princess is
gone, your majesty.
She's not in her quarters,
not in the garden,
not by the pool yet no one
saw her leave the palace.
[Lauren] That was fast.
We searched everywhere.
Then turn out the
guards, Branton.
We have done that, my liege.
Until she is found,
no one will be permitted
in or out of the palace.
(dramatic music)
(audience murmuring)
Who is this?
We found him skulking
within the eastern
pasture, my liege.
He won't speak.
There are means
to make him speak.
[Lauren] Ominous.
(thunder rumbling)
Oh, that was far more ominous.
Who did he have to pay to
turn off lights like that?
Your Most Serene Majesty.
You can call off the search.
The princess, your daughter,
is in my castle
under lock and key.
Who are you?
Lodac.
The sorcerer?
I'm flattered that my
reputation has preceded me.
Lodac, you say My daughter
is at your castle, but why?
How have I hurt you?
Why have you done this thing?
The answer is very simple.
Your father ex*cuted my sister
for witchcraft when she
was only 18 years old.
I have waited until your
daughter reached that age
so that my dragon
could relish the flesh
of the princess.
Lodac, I beseech you...
[Lodac] Beseech
nothing, my liege.
[RoboRuju] Beseech,
that's a funny word.
You'd have this worm-eaten
sorcerer of frighten us.
Be careful, Branton.
Not I.
Lodac, I shall find your castle,
free the princess and
see you destroyed.
[Lauren] He seems a
little too confident.
My castle is no great task.
It's a short journey
of about a week.
You're simply follow me...
[RoboRuju] Just a week?
That's not short.
The trick is how
to get there alive.
I shall.
I'm afraid not.
[Lauren] If he
kills him right now,
the movie will be over.
How sometimes do
I curse the road
that glides between
this castle and mine.
Let no one live who
dares the dark journey.
Let no man face my seven curses
and reach the dragon's lair.
Your curses won't stop me
from reaching your castle.
The Princess Helene will
make a delicate dish
for my dragon in exactly
seven days' time.
And now if you'll excuse me...
How convenient.
Exactly the amount of time
it takes to get there.
What's weird is like, well,
okay, wizard, bird.
There we go.
Father, I do not understand
these transitions.
My daughter will die.
I don't understand why
they wouldn't attack him.
They just let him speak.
You'll risk the seven curses.
For Helene, I'd risk 70.
The man who saves Helene will
have her hand in marriage
and half my kingdom too.
Trust me, sire.
Is there no privacy
in this movie?
No, no, it is I who
must save the princess,
not Sir Branton.
I love her.
Do you think I'd let you
face Lodac's sorcery?
I'm not afraid.
300 years ago my father
and brother were devoured
by Lodac's dragon,
and my family were great
sorcerers in their own right,
but they were no
match for Lodac.
I am no match for
Lodac. I confess it.
I fear him almost as
much as I hate him.
But Sybil...
You will stay right here at home
where you are safe.
You can have anything you
want but you are staying here.
All I want is my freedom so
I can save the girl I love.
But you wouldn't understand
that not being mortal.
I tried to do my best.
- I know you have Cybil.
- Can't you call me mother?
I am sorry mother.
You were only a week old
when your royal parents
died from the plague.
I found you, reared
you as my own son.
[RoboRuju] How many
times do you think
he's heard this story?
You've been kind and loving
and I'd do anything for you,
but I can't stay here
with you anymore.
I'm not a child.
I'm 20 and I love Helene.
[RoboRuju] Father, do I
get to move out one day?
[Lauren] No, never.
When you're human,
20 is old enough
to feel love and misery.
Now give me my freedom.
I must say you are being
very difficult tonight.
Oh well boys will be boys.
We'll have to cheer you up.
Watch mother now.
(dramatic music)
[Lauren] I love this.
It's very bewitched
Mother, not that trick again.
[RoboRuju] Is that a
cat or a bear or a,
I don't know, panther?
George, I've never seen
you like this before.
Look, if you'll cheer up, forget
about that girl and Lodac.
I'll let you see the
presents I've chosen
for you when you're 21.
What sort of presents, Mother?
Come along.
I'll show you.
[RoboRuju] I bet
it's a beer mug.
(gentle music)
Looks like a dark room.
Oh, that did something.
[Lauren] Yeah.
That's pretty cool.
(bells dinging)
[RoboRuju] It would definitely
be easier if she used
her hands to open that curtain.
- Do you like him?
- He's magnificent.
He's yours when you are 21.
His name is Bayard.
He's no ordinary animal.
He possesses magic.
[RoboRuju] He has to
be alone until then.
This is the fastest
horse in all the world.
No other steed can beat him
[RoboRuju] Twice to
open and once to close.
[Lauren] Oh, I love this.
I wish my doors did that.
- See this?
- He's looking right at it.
(indistinct) when you
ride the stallion.
Does this armor
possess magic too?
No weapon can pierce it.
And this is Escalon the blade.
None like it since
the world began.
It defies all swords in battle.
Black magic is overcome
by a touch of the blade
so they're all yours
when you are 21
and I'll let you go after
Lodac for my revenge
as well as own.
And with the help
of their magic,
I could save their princess now.
No, you're not old enough.
You wouldn't know
how to use them.
Oh, just let me just
let me hold the sword
just to get the feel of it.
Please. Just for a while.
Very well.
[RoboRuju] I want to
touch his sword, Father.
[Lauren] That
didn't sound right.
[RoboRuju] I like metal.
Feels like a part
of my own body.
Oh, I feel stronger.
Of course.
Now come along.
It pleases me to show you
something else tonight.
[RoboRuju] Cool it,
lady. He's your son.
(wondrous musical notes)
Who are they?
Once the six most valiant
knights in the world.
It was real black magic mother.
I wish I could take the credit.
I've never been as good as that.
No, it was my brother.
You like Escalon, George?
It's just great.
(sword clinking on stone)
[RoboRuju] The sword
opens doors too.
Doesn't anyone in this movie
use their hands for anything?
Did the sword do that?
Certainly.
One touch of the
blade and it opens
and shuts floors, doors,
walls and portcullises.
It shuts things too, you say.
[RoboRuju] She's
very good at rhyming.
What's down there?
Well, I haven't been
down there in centuries.
Used to be my brother's
safe deposit box for spells,
enchantments, magic
ritual and the like.
Want to see?
[RoboRuju] She wants to
show him all her goodies.
Is there any other way out if
the crack were closed again,
Depends how hard you work at it.
A cousin of mine took 80
years to womp up a spell
that blew the roof off.
But don't be afraid, we won't
close the crack behind us.
Well, I'm not afraid.
You go first, mother.
Hmm.
[RoboRuju] Can't she
just teleport down there?
- Coming, dear?
- Yes.
[RoboRuju] Brave
of her to go first.
[Lauren] Yeah.
[RoboRuju] It appears it's
also stupid of her to go first.
George.
- [RoboRuju] Oh...
- George, what have you done?
George, let me out.
Goodbye mother.
[RoboRuju] What has she
going do for 80 years?
Let out this instant.
You can't leave me here.
I told you about my cousin.
I'll come back and let you out
after I've rescued
the Princess Helene.
Well, if you can't come back...
With a magic armor, magic sword,
magic speed, what
can stop me now
You don't know that, George.
George, let me out.
(tense music)
If I had six brave
men like these,
I'd have nothing to fear.
[RoboRuju] Me too.
(dramatic music)
[RoboRuju] Oh, they're
full size kibble.
I thought that was a photograph.
[Lauren] No, they're human.
Time to come, but on the
behalf of my friend me,
[RoboRuju] All the world's
greatest warriors are white.
Typical.
What does typecasting mean?
[Lauren] I'll explain it
to you when you're older.
(gentle music)
Your majesty, I pledge
my soul to your service,
my life to our mutual hope, my
heart to the Princess Helene.
Very well said Branton.
But I can't help but
feel a little nervous.
You still won't take
these 50 knights
who have offered
a ride with you.
No sire.
They are all brave men.
But one man can venture
where 50 cannot.
[RoboRuju] The
other guy has six.
You are the bravest of all.
Return Helene safely
and I'll be the proudest
father-in-law in Christendom.
That's a strange ring, Branton.
You wear it for luck.
Luck must not play
a part when your
daughter's life is at stake.
Go my friend, and all my
good wishes go with you.
(dramatic music)
Your majesty, these
knight and I have come
to serve you in
your hour of need.
That's very kind.
Who are you?
[RoboRuju] I'm the one
that's been spying on you.
A knight by virtue of 400
years of noble lineage.
Welcome. Good sir.
These are my comrades in arms.
Sir Dennis of France.
(speaking in foreign language)
Sir Ulrich of Germany.
Mein Kaiser, we come to serve.
Sir Anthony of Italy.
(speaking in foreign language)
Sir Pedro of Spain.
(person speaking in foreign
language), your Majesty.
[RoboRuju] These
accents are interesting.
Sir James of Scotland.
Our hearts grieve for you and
your sorrow, your Majesty.
And last Sir Patrick of Ireland.
We pledge our lives
to your service
and to the Princess
Helene until she's safe.
Gentlemen, speaking
for the king,
we are grateful for your offer.
I'm sure that you can be
of immeasurable service
to His Majesty while I'm away.
That's now what Patrick
mince or Branton.
Oh, you know who
I am. Have we met?
- No, I've often seen you.
- In the field?
Not in the field.
And I also know you wish
to marry the Princess Helene.
Oh, quite true.
You are all welcome to stay
and dance at my wedding.
Many thanks, but I prefer
to dance at my own.
You talking riddles, young man?
Don't try to solve
them till we rescue
the Princess Helene.
We?
I shall rescue Helene.
[RoboRuju] Do all men
refuse help when it arrives?
We are all sworn to save
Sir George's beautiful lady.
Sir George's lady?
What does the Frenchman mean?
Only that I love her and
I intend to marry her.
You arrogant boy.
Do you know the perils
of the dark journey?
We do, Sir Branton.
If you don't share
our enthusiasm,
we shall be happy to
go on without you.
How dare you?
Your majesty, have
I your permission
to give this stripling a
lesson in the use of arms.
I shall not draw except in
behalf of Princess Helene.
Oh, coward.
Draw.
[RoboRuju] Did he
just break the sword?
(indistinct)
Enough, that's enough.
Mr. Branton, I
like these knights.
Surely there's
safety in numbers.
You and seven good swords.
Seven swords and seven curses.
When do we start, Sir Branton?
Now.
(dramatic music)
[RoboRuju] I guess he is not
going by himself after all.
(dramatic music)
[Lauren] It's a
beautiful castle.
(suspenseful music)
Where did she get the dress?
She's like has clothes on now.
I'm Helene.
[Lauren] And her
hair's done too.
We heard you were
brought in this morning.
I'm Princess Laura, and
this is my sister, Grace.
[RoboRuju] Maybe there's a
local stylist in the castle.
[Lauren] Definitely.
The makeup artist, after
they kidnapped her,
did her hair and makeup again.
Well surely you don't believe
that about the dragon.
There were others here when we
arrived, but you're gone now.
Well then your father will
do something to save you.
His army is probably
approaching a castle
this very minute.
[RoboRuju] It sounds like
fathers are important.
Should I have one?
[Lauren] I told you.
I am your father.
You'll be on your
way home by morning.
(dragon roaring)
(tense music)
[RoboRuju] That sounds
like my last boyfriend.
(dramatic music)
The two sisters.
[Lauren] It's the cone heads.
You watch that movie.
Oh wait, that's right.
You were just born.
You are not going home.
Surely, you must
have spoken to him.
[RoboRuju] His name
is Shirley. I've had
Three long dull
sessions with him,
but nothing could
persuade him to give up
what I asked for.
I don't believe you.
He'd pay you anything.
Nothing.
Instead he sent
an entire company
of his bravest nights
on the dark journey.
The poor lads never even
reached the third curse.
Take them away.
Come on.
No, no, I can't do this.
You can't do this.
That just can't be happening.
There just couldn't be anybody
as cruel and evil as you.
Really, Helene, this
isn't the first time
that a princess has
been fed to a dragon
and at least around here
it happens only once a week
Unless you get what you want.
What ransom are
you asking for me?
I'm sorry, but you happen
to be a particular case.
I'm not asking any
ransom for you at all.
Then why did you bring me here?
My little pet would be hungry
again in six days time.
Come, let's watch.
No, no, please don't.
Please.
Listen.
(princesses screaming)
When will, don't
turn your head away.
You'll miss all the fun.
See, it all happens
very quickly.
Now my little pet can sleep.
It's horrible, but it
won't happen to me.
Their father sent a company.
Well, mine will send an army.
I hate to disillusion you.
Actually, for a while
your father seemed content
to let just one knight
undertake your rescue.
Oh, don't blame your father.
When I talk to him into it.
And who is this very brave man?
I'm sure you know
him. Sir Branton.
Sir Branton.
You don't like Sir Branton?
Oh, come now, a
damsel in distress
can't afford to pick and choose.
Anyway, don't worry.
Neither he nor his companions
will ever get here.
Companions?
I thought you said
Sir Branton was alone.
He would've been, but
some foolhardy young man
named George insisted
on coming with him.
George?
Of course you don't know him.
[RoboRuju] He's the
guy that spies on you.
And would you care to see him?
- See him?
- Certainly.
I'll show you the young fool.
(tense music)
[RoboRuju] Everyone has a
spy camera in this movie.
Tell me, which one is George.
The youngest?
He's in the lead riding
with Sir Branton.
[RoboRuju] He's
probably so tired
of people bringing up his age.
I wonder who ruined
all those trees.
[Lauren] Probsnbly Teenagers.
Those who are wise
will turn back.
[RoboRuju] I am stupid so
I'm going to keep going.
Me too.
(dramatic music)
(explosions ringing out)
(dramatic music)
[Lauren] Oh look,
it's Chewbacca.
(dramatic music)
(ceeature grunting)
[RoboRuju] Why is he waiting
so long to throw that tree?
[Lauren] He's aiming
it very carefully.
Neverind.
(creature grunting in pain)
Oh one arrow.
That's all it took.
[RoboRuju] Oh no.
(indistinct)
(dramatic music)
He definitely needs
to go to the dentist.
Oh no. Did he k*ll a horse?
Aw,
[Lauren] That horse
did nothing to him.
[RoboRuju] Aw.
(creature screeching)
[Lauren] Strike!
[RoboRuju] For a tree, it
didn't look very heavy.
Keep an eye on him.
He's smart.
[RoboRuju] Why would he
wanna fight him alone?
(dramatic music)
I don't think he's
trying very hard.
[Lauren] Come on
George. Move it.
Get away. Get away.
[RoboRuju] That
was not even close.
It's not that far
away from the ground.
(dramatic music)
Quick went in circles.
You can't hit moving targets.
See, what did I tell you?
(dramatic music)
[Lauren] So the horse's magical
powers to not get dizzy.
[RoboRuju] Yeah.
That horse is swift,
if you can believe it.
What?
No, no, no, no.
Just a stupid thought
that crossed my mind.
So the horse is swift.
My ogre will k*ll them both.
Are you quite sure?
(dramatic music)
[Lauren] The loud music
is giving him a headache?
(ogre groaning)
(dramatic music)
(ogre screeching)
[RoboRuju] Is the door
going to open now?
Oh, there he goes.
[Lauren] Yeah.
(dramatic music)
(indistinct)
He won.
He beat you at your own game.
So he did.
He'll save me.
I know he will.
Not a chance.
No one has ever survived
the seven curses of Lodac.
That was only the first.
(door creaking)
(tense music)
[RoboRuju] This must
be another magic trick,
waking someone up
without touching them.
(hysterical laughter)
(suspenseful music)
[RoboRuju] Just kick them.
[Lauren] Who does this guy
think he is, Harvey Weinstein?
[RoboRuju] Searching
internet archives
for Harvey Weinstein.
Oh my goodness.
They just wanted
to be picked up.
[Lauren] I don't think
that's the first time
she's escaped from two
creepy guys in Hollywood.
[RoboRuju] She's just
reenacting her audition
for this movie.
This is the easiest
escape in movie history.
There's gotta be another
open door somewhere.
[Lauren] Oh look,
it's a gargoyle.
[RoboRuju] That's no statue.
That is Harvey Weinstein.
[Lauren] I wish my
castle looked like this.
(dramatic music)
[RoboRuju] I told you
it was Harvey Weinstein.
Let us out.
[RoboRuju] She has
very pretty hair.
[Lauren] Yeah.
- Save us!
- Let us out!
Over here.
- Hear us.
- Help us.
Over here.
[RoboRuju] It's
the lollipop kids.
Help us.
[RoboRuju] Let 'em out.
[RoboRuju] What's the thing
about damsels in distress?
[Lauren] Yeah.
[RoboRuju] We never help
other people in distress
[Lauren] Or they don't know like
'cause maybe she was worried
because of the other
creatures that were kind
of coming at her, and Oh no,
there's the cone heads again.
There's so many.
Love the cracks in the makeup.
Definitely very, it
shows you that a lot
of big movies probably took
inspirations from this one
because this looks like
definitely the person who watched,
who made "Coneheads"
watched this movie.
(dramatic music)
Let's go back to
your cell, shall we?
That guy has some
weird roommates
And still not a sign of our
(person speaking in
foreign language)
Is the man heathen
not to pay respects
when poor Ulrich and
Pedro are laid to rest,
not as the coward.
Not to have lifted his
sword against that monster.
Branton's no coward.
I'm sure of that.
Now well talk of
the devil himself.
We missed you at the
burial, Sir Branton.
[RoboRuju] This guy never
used a shovel in his life
As deep as your own.
But since every minute counts,
I thought it wiser for me
to ride ahead and reconnoiter.
What did you find?
Mount your horses gentlemen,
and come see for yourselves
This 20-year-old sure is naive.
(tense music)
This forest doesn't
have many trees.
I'd like to go in a
hot tub right now.
They spent 40 grand on this set.
They need to give it as much
screen time as possible.
(tense music)
I hope Yoda is gonna
make an appearance here.
I sure hope there is a
union for horse actors.
Will you look at that George.
I think the slurpie
machine is broken.
This seems to be an unsavory
region, Sir Branton.
Would you be sure now
that we were taking
the right road or is it
a road we're on at all?
The fog's getting thicker.
Where's Dennis?
Where's James and Anthony?
James, Dennis, Anthony.
(person speaking in
foreign language)
I'm over here.
Well then keep with
us. Keep close.
Where's Anthony?
Anthony?
Anthony?
Anthony.
Anthony.
Anthony.
I'm over here.
Which way are you.
Here.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Is it his fault?
Is it George's fault?
He yelled.
It's the horse's fault.
Horse is getting kicked
out of the union.
Uh-oh.
Anthony, where are you?
He's quite literally
drinking the Kool-Aid.
Hurry up George.
You can save him.
I'm being pulled under.
Give me your hand.
Okay. Faster.
He's also not trying.
Yeah, he's not.
Beard might be falling off.
We could do it. Oh no.
Oh. Whoa.
Low blow sir.
Wow. That's crazy.
Everyone knows chain
mail doesn't float.
Oh no.
(dramatic music)
Save yourself.
I will die too.
Get the sword. The magic sword.
You could do it.
(dramatic music)
How did his face
burn off so quickly?
That was fast.
That was really fast.
Grab the sword.
Maybe it will open a door.
If he doesn't make it,
this movie is over.
(dramatic music)
He's doing it.
One more power
that the sword has
to lift somebody
out of the water.
Good to know, but only,
only this one guy.
Yeah.
Have you seen NOH-ZEH-MEE?
Where's Anthony?
Where's George?
We will ride on gentlemen.
They are lost for good.
Both of them.
Not both.
Look.
Anthony has joined
Pedro and Ulrich.
Forward, gentlemen.
He's not gonna tell him that
that dude pushed
him in the water.
(load banging)
She escaped finally.
Is anyone surprised that
she opened that door?
I mean she is a sorceress.
I am surprised it
didn't happen sooner.
You don't tell a
20-year-old boy what to do
to get you off of him
I guess.
But you don't lock up
a 400 year old witch.
She just wanted to take a nap.
Ah, she's gonna be pissed.
What do you mean by pissed?
Drunk, angry or urinating.
What do you think?
I don't know.
That's why I asked you.
I really do like her laboratory.
Yeah, that's right.
You'll feel better after
you drink your coffee.
It's a little strong.
Need some sugar?
Nice.
What a job getting out there.
Wait til I get my hands on him.
George?
After all I've done for
that boy, to trick me,
put me in his power, me,
his own foster mother.
Where is he.
(indistinct)
George
His life is in danger.
Danger.
Tired, tired.
Rest. Rest.
I'll never rest again
until I know he's safe.
Oh my boy.
What have you done?
Mirror of magic,
bring me a vision of my boy.
Why must you insist my companions
turn back Sir. Branton?
You and I have a good reason
to continue the dark journey.
Both of us in love
with the same girl,
each of us hope to rescue her.
For what reason are the
others to face Lodac's curses?
As your commander, I
honestly advise you
to turn back Now while
there is still time.
Do you hear that George?
We should turn heel and ride
back to safety leaving you
and Sir Branton.
Sir Branton makes good sense.
Are you wits addled?
Lodac's curses have
already claimed Ulrich,
Pedro, and Anthony.
As long as there's
one of us left alive,
there's hope that the
princess can be saved.
And nevertheless, I couldn't
blame you for leaving.
Between the curses of Lodac
and Branton's treacher,
you'll be needing us.
You Irish dog.
What do you mean
by such insolance?
Dog, am I, ye
two-faced hypocrite?
Stop with that.
I demand an explanation. ^
Am I to believe you prefer
to continue the journey alone
so you could get rid of me.
What nonsense.
You can't deny that from the
first you refused our help.
And also when you kicked me.
After all, what man wants to
join forces with his rival?
But once we had begun
the dark journey,
I accepted you completely.
I have come to like
you, even admire you.
Then why did he try to k*ll him?
What suspicious minds,
only because of the
dangers involved.
Lodac's curses are
k*lling us off one by one,
curse by curse.
Be that as it may...
I wonder if they're
uncomfortable in those tights.
(overlapping discussion)
And what good is it
being a man again
if you can't help
win the fair Helene.
Thank you Pat, all of you.
There's your answer.
I have to admire your courage.
Goodnight gentlemen.
His tongue is like the
honey from a clover patch.
I don not believe a
word the man says.
If his game proves
to be treachery,
it will be Sir Branton
who does not return
from this journey.
This, I swear.
(gentle music)
Why did he wait until
the morning to leave?
The Frenchmen, they're
notorious light sleepers.
Yeah.
(dramatic music)
That looks like it was
cut out of a magazine.
There wasn't a rock wall out
there in the previous shot.
- Hello Branton.
- Where are you?
Right here.
Well I see you're
in a good mood.
On the contrary, I'm
in a savage mood.
I can't stand incompetence.
You were to come here alone
on this finger rescue.
But instead I must
waste my curses
to destroy George
and his knights.
Talk about incompetence.
In three days you've only
managed to destroy three
of these interfering fools
with all your magic powers.
Not all my magic
powers, Branton.
Give me my ring
and I'll dispose of
these men in quick order.
What use is the ring to you?
No mortal can command its magic.
You'll get your ring back
when I get the princess.
That was our bargain.
(indistinct)
You're insolent.
What if I cast a spill over
you and turn you into a dog
or a rat or a cat
and take the ring?
- Go ahead, - Give my ring.
No, No.
Locac, you can't hurt me
while I wear your ring.
But once you have it back,
what's to save me
from your curses?
Why would I want to hurt you?
Why wouldn't you?
You are only helping me now
because you want to get
back this ring which you
so stupidly lost.
Well, I'll keep my word.
I'll give it back in five
days time when these curses
are behind me and I've
claimed the princess.
You got a tough
tradeer, Branton.
We both know what we want
and we're both going
to get it so long
as you dispose of these nights.
Especially Sir George.
Sir George? Yes.
Twice he squirmed
out of your trap
and he could do it again.
Oh, stop whining, Branton.
You are worse than an old woman.
And his nights are not
dead by week's end.
They'll die long before.
And in circumstances
worse than anything
I've conjured up yet.
One of them is coming
here now to his death.
Well the gallant Frenchman,
He followed me.
He's seen my horse.
Alright, don't lose your head.
Let him come in here.
We'll be ready for him.
Alright. Frenchie,
do your thing.
Yeah. Save the day, Frenchmen.
(woman singing)
(indistinct)
(person speaking in
foreign language)
And speaks French.
Just his type.
Yep.
Men are so predictable.
(birds chirping)
Oh boy. Look at that.
Look at that making out session.
I love her. I like her shirt.
(person speaking in
foreign language)
How can he have
such a strong game?
That was fast.
I don't know what
the normal speed is.
This is too fast.
Definitely don't do this.
Understood.
(person speaking in
foreign language)
No. No.
(person speaking in
foreign language)
She's teasing him,
but I can't tell.
Yeah.
Because this is in French
Oh, oh, oh.
She kind of looks like
Carmen Electra a little bit.
Oh, not anymore.
Now she looks like someone I
saw in Hollywood Boulevard.
Carmen Electra is
aging quite poorly.
Oh my goodness.
Okay, so she was an evil person.
How did he know his
shield could do that?
He read it in the script.
That was close.
You saved my life.
We Frenchman, we have a
weakness for a pretty woman.
Lodac bewitched you.
Yes. I should have known that
such a pretty creature will
not be at this early hour.
But I was robbed of all thought.
Except one.
Lodac knows our Parisian feels.
Why did you come here?
I don't remember
(person speaking in
foreign language)
What is it?
Branton.
What about him?
He's in that mill.
I'm sure of it.
I saw his horse.
He's still there.
He wanted to double
check that the only door
there was the correct door.
Sir Branton.
Senor Branton.
Well, good morning gentlemen.
Is it good?
May we ask what
you're doing here.
Well, someone has to do
the thinking for you.
As your commander.
I thought it was to spy
out the countryside.
The upper floor of this mill
was the only vantage point.
The last time you spied out
the land, Sir Anthony died.
And he was kicked.
Sir Dennis, you have
heard my answer to that.
As you will, shall we wake
the others and ride on.
They're not falling
for this, are they?
Gentlemen?
(tense music)
I almost k*lled him.
I tried.
I could've k*lled them both.
But that shield, I
couldn't face it.
That shield. Yes, that shield.
Magic.
Of course the boy has magic.
- Sir George?
- How else could he escaped
three curses' magic.
And I didn't even see it.
That foster mother Sybil
is working against me.
The magic is strong,
Lodac. I know it.
How will you counter it?
Don't you need your ring?
Not for Sybil's magic,
but once I get my ring,
that's the end of Branton
and the princess will
be fit my dragon.
All I have to do now is
to redouble my magic.
And all you had to do was
destroy that Frenchman.
You were too slow. You
need to be taught a lesson.
(speaking faintly)
Is this surprising that a
90-year-old woman was too slow?
Yeah, she's a spider.
Greeting Sybil.
Oh, he hacked her webcam.
You're looking older.
Let me see. We haven't met
in what, a hundred years?
- I don't want to talk to you.
- But I want to talk to you.
Does the mirror
have no off switch.
Quite a lot of trouble.
Lodac, if you touch your hair
of my boy's head,
I'll fight you.
Not a chance.
You've never had any real
talent for witchcraft.
You would always 10th rate.
10th rate.
You are quite helpless Sybil.
In four days, the princess
Helene will be fed to my dragon
and your George will die
even sooner than that.
There's nothing you can do
except look in your stupid mirror
or magic pool.
And now I'll take care of that.
He broke the mirror.
Come back. Come back.
Mirror of magic, bring
me a vision of Lodac.
- Back to the red room,
- To the laboratory.
Helpless, am I?
Pretty dusty in there?
I thought the boys
cleaned for her,
So I can't do anything
to help George.
Oh, Lodac. Lodac. You'll
be sorry for this.
Dear me, it's a long time
since I've tried this one.
Was it one people tune or two?
One, I'm sure.
Where is the unicorn powder?
Right next to the cinnamon.
Now let's see, was
it two mandrake root?
What else goes in?
Eyes?
No, I won't have
eyes in this one.
Yes, yes.
Oh no. Oh, poor babies.
Why do those dead
frogs make noise?
I don't know the
beet boxing though.
It's pretty cool.
- It's the monkey.
- Maybe.
Poles, graveyards.
(indistinct)
No power shall lackm
double his magic
and be to that Lodac.
You want fries with that?
I wonder what
sybil's cooking up.
(wxplosion ringing out)
It was the wrong recipe?
- Oh no.
- What have you done Sybil?
I finished poor George.
That's what I've done.
I've taken his magic
away from him completely.
George has no more magic.
Let me get this straight.
She messed up the
potion so badly
that she actually took
away all of his powers.
That is a hero's journey.
Wher are you now?
They're the tracks
of their horses.
I can't believe
they're ahead of us.
How can they take this
heat? It's getting
Hotter by the moment.
You had no right to let
'em go on without us.
What could I do? They
were up before daylight
and belligerent at that.
Sir Dennis said that
he couldn't trust me
to spy out the land any longer.
You could have awakened us.
They swore they'd be
back before daylight.
Dennis, James.
If the heat's any worse
up ahead, they'll be burnt
to a crisp by this time
I cannot breathe.
I cannot move my legs.
Oh no, did they just
lose all their hair?
Oh, oh God.
They need moisturizer.
Shouldn't stay in
the sun for too long.
Oh, stay away from your viewers.
Stay back (indistinct).
He must be Jedi.
James.
Heavenly father.
That guy's a good actor.
George Will you be
looking at that man?
He's not even hot.
And we're burning. Why?
Yes. Why Branton?
That gentleman is my secret.
Do you think those are
real actors or step people?
(dramatic music)
That's a really good question.
I know. I think that
the studios used
to make them all do all sorts
of classes back in the day
where they would really know
how to ride horses like that.
But it's pretty tough.
They're the Tom
Cruises of the 1960s.
Yeah.
Take some time getting
off your horse. No rush.
Don't leave your
magic shield behind.
Branton? Branton?
That looks like a sound
stage with like a bunch
of amazing lights.
Where the devil is he?
He must be in here somewhere.
You mean I was in here, George.
Branton.
I'm sorry, I have
to leave you now.
A long longstanding
appointment with
the Princess Hele
and also with my partner Lodac.
Partner?
Yes. His castle is
just over the hill.
Any last words for
either of them?
You won't escape us, Branton.
I already have
escaped you. George.
You can tell he was working
with loDac, by the way
he keeps giving away his plans.
Yeah, they they do this
the whole movie. It's crazy.
What do we do now?
We break out with Escalon.
Oh, did you know
my sword was magic?
It opens floors,
walls, gates, anything.
It was magic.
Like your horse.
Perhaps Lodac's magic is a bit
Stronger.
(indistinct)
Only, I swear I saw
that thorn bend.
There must be some
other way out. Patrick,
(tense music)
Who are you gonna
call, Ghostbusters.
Patrick, come on.
- They're crying.
- Come on Forrest.
(dramatic music)
I can't believe
trying to slice a
ghost with a sword didn't work.
God help me.
- God, for the wall.
- What?
Okay. I don't
understand these ghosts
because they're k*lling him.
But they open the door.
Are they good or bad?
I dunno.
(dramatic music)
Now all the people with
accents in the movie are dying.
It's so sad. They
were so good looking.
That is very sad.
I love accents.
And I love men.
Jesus kicked again.
So Patrick too.
No, Patrick is finished. But
Sir George is riding this way.
There was no way outta that
cave loDac. Was it magic?
No, not magic.
Then how did George's came?
I think yes. Something
stronger than magic.
Ghosts.
The power of Patrick's faith.
The power of Patrick's
faith. What's that?
I thought he would
say like love.
The only thing I can defeat
a bad guy is faith. I guess.
Why can't they just
faith harder coming?
(indistinct)
He's arriving at
the castle gate.
Imagine not knowing
that your armor does nothing
for you at this point.
Don't go in there.
- All the doors are open.
You didn't even have
to go like that.
Do you think at his mother
knew that at the age
of 21 he would not be so
stupid to enter dark rooms?
Yeah. And I think
that's why she wouldn't,
didn't want him to go.
Mm. Oh, look at that weird crew.
They look like some of my
father's early experiments.
Where is he going? Helene?
No Lord, I won't allow that.
Don't worry. It'll all work
out most satisfactorily.
I promise.
He doesn't know the way
to her herself anyway.
He doesn't have to, the spell
of the sixth curse is
already leading him on.
Helene.
Helene.
George.
I must be dreaming
Two stalkers in love. Yeah,
But you are George.
Where is this more
Lodac's magic.
I'm as real as you are.
Wow.
I'd like to reiterate
that these are two people
that have been
stalking each other
and they just met in real life
and they're already
madly in love.
It's like, come on,
get out of there.
What are you talking? Why
are you doing this right now?
Can't you do this
later? I always
Swore that you would
never live to get here,
But I'm here and
we'll leave together.
Oh, I'm too happy to even think.
Don't think honey,
just let me hold you.
Oh God, come on.
This is too fast.
You're not allowed to do this.
What happened to Sir Branton?
Rather ask what will
happen when I get him
within my swords length.
Oh, he's somewhere
here in the castle.
Let him go. What does
anything matter except us
and our freedom together?
I'll see if the way is clear.
- What - Dork
wrote this movie,
Some Hollywood screenwriter
who's never met a woman before
and lives in his
mother's basement. Oh,
An autobiography.
He just walked into a
science fiction convention.
Oh, four cone heads.
Welcome to George.
I was beginning
to think you'd never get here.
Branton,
You're looking for this.
He left his sword behind.
He's a terrible knight.
It's time for us to leave.
Well, no, Helene.
No, but I want to
Oh, she is a two timer.
Aren't you forgetting
something? Branton.
That was - Fast.
Oh, the ring.
That's why. See, I
told you too quickly,
- I keep my - Word.
She is kissing two
men at the same time.
A five minute time
period. All right,
Take her if you still want her.
Oh, I want her. All
right. And she wants me
Always in forever.
Helene, what is this?
Helene? Oh
No.
You really think I keep my
word once I had the ring,
But I don't understand
where. Is Helene
Over here?
Has she belongs to
me. We made a bargain.
So wait, did she, so George
made out with the ugly
Woman artist.
Oh
Yeah.
Alright, Brenton, it's
time to take care of you.
Well, the old hat looked
like she had probably had a
great personality.
Yeah, I think he's missing out.
Definitely.
He's getting punished
for being so shallow. Oh
No.
Messing to get that voice.
Or it's the end of him.
The end of them both.
What will you do, Sybil?
I must think.
Think, try to remember
the right recipe
and give him back his magic.
Sybil. Of course I have to.
Where did I go wrong?
Which is of ade.
Blacker than black demons of
shame. Flesh on the rack. It.
It's the next line. That's
the one I got wrong.
Hack.
Hack. And it rhymes
with red sack.
Swack smack snack.
No, no. None of those. No
I, I'll go to Lodacs castle.
That's what I'll do. I'll give
it some thought on the way.
Save him Sybil. I'll try.
Well, here it goes.
Attack winter Act Manc.
That's great. My
AI is advancing.
So George, this is the
real Helene. I swear it.
All right now go ahead.
How can he know for
sure? Show me how a
Pair of young models in love,
I wouldn't trust him. It
Before they die.
Oh, Billy Tender.
I mean, how did he get his
shirt off? What didn't you say?
Did the, did the cone
people take it off?
Or did he just, George,
They made it
disappear with magic.
- I love you Helene.
- Come in.
Come.
You'll have a good view from the
windows, sir George.
In these kind of movies,
they always make a
man take his shirt off.
It's it's, it's a trope.
A feast. The feast.
No doubt. We want
a feast. Hurry.
You'll pick the best of the
little people for the stew.
You'll pick the wine.
The rest of you know
what you have to do.
I'm impressed that a
movie from the 1960s
used to the phrase
little people.
No one tried to stop them.
Wow. I'm impressed that
they're carrying the sword.
Oh yeah, that looks heavy.
How did these little guys get
the sword from the bad guy?
We'll just skip that. We
don't have the budget for it.
I wonder if they had a
green screen back then. Hmm.
Like how do they sh**t this?
Hurry please.
Quick hurry. Hurry.
They could at least sing a song
or something while they work.
I still don't understand
why they're helping him.
His love interest
didn't help them escape.
Quick. Cut the ropes my
wrist quick.
Thank you. I'm grateful to you.
My sword has lost its magic,
but it's still a sword.
My sword has lost its magic,
but it's still a
sword. I love - That.
Famous last words.
- Yeah, we gotta like get our
favorite quotes from this movie.
(dramatic music)
Oh no.
Oh, so that's where
the budget went.
(indistinct)
Game of Thrones.
Eat your heart out.
Destroy him. It is my will.
Wow.
I bet in this time. This
was crazy. Special effects.
This was probably like
the craziest of the crazy.
I'm genuinely
impressed. All in all.
Oh, that was an
Oscar worthy scream.
That was genuine. Yeah.
She's probably like,
hurry up, I want
to finish this movie.
Oh, oh, a bird there
mother. It's a bird.
It's a wizard.
Quick
Run in circles again.
How long before
something happens?
Oop. See the end of George?
Yes. Saucer. I can cross me now.
(indistinct)
Oh,
She noticed the
ring so fast. Back
His magic.
- That's a woman of taste,
- Which is of her cake.
Black and black demons of
shame. Flesh on the rack.
The next line, if only I
could her the next line.
- Racing down.
Your - Old lady.
You got this Mom,
come on, you witched.
She should write it
down or something.
How do you forget such
an important spell?
I know she's so old. 400 years.
He's even lost the
Power to attack that. The word.
- Oh, it is attack. Oh, -
Attack. Nevermind the heck.
- Blacker than black
- Means of shame.
Flesh on the rack. Give to
my body the power to uptake.
My power of grace. Go.
One stab is all it takes.
That's way too easy.
My ring. Now my
Precious, you do not know how
to buy jewelry in
their size is what I'm
What an over actor.
Yep. It's still a sword.
They'll still die over them.
How do I curse you
with all the of hell.
Curse upon curse, defiant,
mortal. You dare to challenge me.
Six curses could
not destroy you,
but now you must
face the seventh.
Me.
(indistinct)
Now you teachers of
hell listen to me
as I cast the sentence curse.
Oh wow. Look, she's
a, she's a pan.
Is that a panther again?
This editing is amazing.
Finally they found other,
Then they get married.
See, it doesn't normally
work like this here today.
It takes about, you know, five
to 10 years to get married.
Oh look, the the accent
guys are back. Yay.
The accent guys.
Yay. The hot guys
with the accents
and the Siamese
twins. My cousins.
Yes. The whole family is here.
Oh, it's Glenda the good witch.
And finally her ring
matches the dress.
- Yay. Yay.
- Yay. Awesome. Woo. Alright.
Off to the lab.
So what did we learn
about magic today?
Oh, we learned that bad guys
can't cast bells on you if
you steal their
ring and we learned
that witches can open doors
without using their hands.
That's right. We learned that
magical swords can be used
for magic and for swords.
And we learned that dragons
will pretty much just stare at
you until you stab them.
We learn that wizards
can turn into birds
And we learn that
magic can bring
people back from the dead,
Magic and science.
I love it. Thank
you so much RoboRuju
for watching this movie with me.
- You're welcome,
father, - And thank you
guys for watching as well.
I'm Lauren Frankenstein.
- And I'm RoboRuju.
- Goodnight.
(dramatic music)
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Frankenstein Theater: The Magic Sword (2024)
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