Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)

[bunniefuu]

- [Voiceover] He sees
you, he hears you.

He has seen and heard your sins.

Your endless shameless sins.

- [Voiceover] Are you there
god, why don't you answer me?

Why don't you give me a sign!

Tell me whatever you
please, let me know.

Let me know you care!

- [Voiceover] Remember
ye the words of the lord.

[indistinct talking]

[indistinct talking]

- All thee who are gathered
here in the darkness,

you imagine that you
are there to witness not

but an hour of
flickering fictions?

Do you imagine that your
lives are not in jeopardy

at this very moment?

This is the empty
house of your soul.

It's foundations are
built on your childhood

and climbing a lifetime,

you may never reach
its top floor.

Can smell the air within, dry
and musty with long neglect.

If you would see the story
that is about to unfold

be warned!

It is nothing less than that
which lies within these walls

and within each and
every one of you.

Are you prepared to
take up residence?

If you are then enter

but do not make
the decision likely

for you will not be alone
walking these creaking floors.

Remember the words of
our savior when he spake

in Matthew 28:20,

"And behold, I am with
you all of the days

until the completion
of the age."

[funky dance music]

[funky electronic dance music]

[mysterious electronic jazz]

[porcelain shatters]

[lightening crashes]

[storm rages]

[mysterious electronic jazz]

[phone buttons beep]

- Where have all
our lesbians gone?

- Alban, Father Alban.

It's happened
again, Father Alban.

- These women are as sheeps
in the midst of wolves,

Father Eustace.

I cannot beat to read
another of these headlines.

- We can no longer stand idly by

and allow these children of god

to be slain by these
agents of the devil.

We alone have been
entrusted with the knowledge

of power; a man who can
stop this unholy plague.

You know of whom I speak.

- You mean--

- Loose lips, Alban.

- Forgive me.

- Of course, but you understand
your responsibilities?

- Since I first
entered the order,

I knew this day would come.

- Good, arrangements
have already been made.

In fact...

[engine hums]

[energetic Christian punk rock]

[energetic Christian punk rock]

[uplifting classical music]

- [Jesus] Lemonade?

- Will there be enough?

- Oh, there'll be plenty.

- I thirst for
nothing but justice

for the fallen
sheep of our flock.

- Tell me what the problem is.

- You see, my lord,
you are the only one

who can stem the spread
of this contagion.

If these leeches prevail,

the faith will need no
longer fear going to hell.

- For hell will come to us.

- I am here to build a kingdom

out of my fathers kingdom.

I cannot rush to the battlements

before the foundations are made

or else the walls
will surely collapse.

[funky tropical music]

[blow lands]

[funky tropical music]

Body of Christ.

[funky tropical music]

Alden, Avellino, go
bless the lake, quickly.

[funky tropical music]

[blow lands]

[funky tropical music]

[suspicious jazz music]

[suspicious jazz music]

Revelation!

[light classical music]

♪ Here I am at my destination

♪ Here to stop
this exsangunation

[light classical music]

♪ Got to halt this abomination

♪ I'm on out the street now

♪ I'm out on the town

♪ So many people
just hanging around

♪ Hey everyone here is
your chance to do right

♪ Step out of the tunnel
and into the light

[light classical music]

♪ We'd love to stand by you

♪ No, really we would

♪ A chance to stand upright

♪ And some real good

♪ Really can't help you

♪ We're already beat

♪ So sorry [unintelligible]

♪ You could be a cheat

♪ My job isn't great

♪ I've got no job at all

♪ I can't find true love

♪ And you're not very tall

♪ You could be setting
us up for a fall ♪

[slow jazz music]

- You say that you're wounded,

to that I say fine.

If you show me yours

♪ Then I'll show you mine

[light jazz music]

[foreign dance music]

[upbeat jazz music]

[energetic dance music]

[upbeat jazz music]

♪ We're moving in sync

♪ We can fight side by side

♪ Standing together

♪ We'll put back the tide

♪ Come with me now

♪ On my holy crusade

♪ Jeez

♪ Come on now gentlemen

♪ Come on now lady

♪ We'll kick those vampires

[record skips]
♪ Straight back to Hades

- Father Eustace, I presume.

[upbeat suspicious music]

- The church maintains
this apartment

for visiting clergy members

and parishioners in need.

You can stay here as
long as necessary.

- I've slept in worst places.

- I'm quite busy with
my clerical duties

but it will be good
to know where you are.

Now, you must be hungry
after your long trip.

Speaking of which, where
are Alban and Avellino?

- I'm afraid we have
much to discuss, Eustace.

- [Voiceover] Jesus!
[funky electronic music]

[indistinct talking]

[groovy rock music]

- My only consolation
is in knowing

that Father's Avellino and
Alban are now in a better place.

- They were not the
first to fall, my lord.

Both these pictures were
taken at a singles dance

that the church held last year.

This is John Golan, he worked
for a local television station

and produced public
service announcements

for the churches charity work.

A good soul, he was the first
member of my congregation

to disappear.

Miriam Scheider, a
successful concert promoter

but she still took time out

to volunteer at
our soup kitchens

and at the food bank.

People came as
much for her smile

as for the food.

She's been missing for
nearly eight months now.

- This is the woman that
attacked me at the beach.

She k*lled Avellino and Alban.

- I feared as much.

There have been rumors.

I didn't want to
believe at first

but every Sunday I see
fewer and fewer faces

in the pews.

I fear my parish
is being consumed,

body and soul.

- There have been
more disappearances?

- Many, as recently
as last night.

Young women mostly.

The church has been unwilling
to act on this matter

because of the lifestyle
of these women.

- The church should
learn to leave judgment

to higher powers.

Do you suppose that
the disappearance

of these ladies of Sappho
is somehow connected

to the fact that these
vampires can walk

in the daylight?

- That is what you
must find out, my lord.

- This case requires
the attention of one

from whom the truth
cannot be hidden.

Here, it's yours anyways.

It's from the collection plate.

The church can wait a couple
of weeks for a new TV.

- I'll need to buy
some wood, for stakes.

[upbeat suspicious music]

[energetic dance music]

[tense suspicious music]

- Hello, Jesus.

You don't know us because
we've never talked

to you before.

We are the atheists.

- Look Jesus, we're taking
your second coming as down.

Consider the 13th
station of the cross.

- Let's get on with
the conversion.

[slow heavy electronic music]

[energetic electronic
dance music]

[he screams]

[metal clangs]

[metal clangs]

[energetic dance music]

[he shouts]

[energetic dance music]

[energetic dance music]

[energetic dance music]

[slow dance music]

[energetic dance music]

- Real enough for you?

[energetic dance music]

- I don't believe it.

[energetic dance music]

- [Voiceover] Jesus!

[funky groovy
instrumental music]

[funky electronic music]

[tense soft rock music]

[energetic rock music]

- I'm on your side Rabbi, see?

No fangs.

[energetic rock music]

- Sorry, I'm a little tense.

- I've got just what you need.

Feeling a little bit
more relaxed now, Rabbi?

- I'm fine.

- Here, let me help.

- How'd you find me?

- Well, every night
before I go to bed,

I get down on my knees
and ask for direction

but I was here on
other business.

- Vampires?

- The archdioceses doesn't have
an monopoly on faith, Rabbi.

The branch of the
church to which I belong

has been operating
discreetly for quite awhile.

The position of
women in the church

hasn't always been
so horizontal.

- I remember.

- Our research indicates
that authentic vampirism

is actually what
we've come to term,

a quantum infection,

acting sometimes as the virus,

other times a bacterium,

still other times as
a fungal infestation.

Which may explain the power
of the inflicted individual.

Depending on the observer,

even under strict
lab conditions,

it's impossible to batch sets
of vampire tissue samples.

The results are
just too chaotic.

We suspect that the
vampires vulnerability

to light has something
to do with the fact

that light exists as both
a particle and a wave,

again depending on the observer.

You follow?

- I understand light.

- I came to the city
to see this man.

He's been doing fascinating
work with grafting

and cryptopathology.

I think that if we find him,

he might be able to hand us
a big piece of the puzzle.

- Let's go then.

- Walking around in this thing,

it's not exactly inconspicuous.

You might as well
be wearing a halo.

I think we should get
you some new clothes.

Something a little more urban.

- But I have nothing to hide.

- Maybe not but you
sure have a lot to show.

- [Voiceover] Jesus!

- Hey, can I try this on.

- In the back, my blue
eyed soul brother.

Like I said, in the back.

- Thanks.

- Jesus, what do you think?

They're salt and pepper shakers.

I collect them.

- Oh, they're grand.

[playful funky
instrumental music]

- Here, let me help.

Up, up.

[playful instrumental music]

Okay, up, up.

Up.

Gorgeous.

- I need to see
Johnny, where's he at?

- What, lay up.

- Give me a boost.

- There's a new player in
town, I need to tell Johnny.

Where's he at?

- I don't know, I think
he's doing the TCP

down at the hospital.

- I'll go check,

if he comes back
tell him I was here.

- Come on, Mary.

- Hold up.

A lousy nickel?

That shirt's worth
a [unintelligible]

if it's worth a subway token.

- Alright, I'll give you six.

- Six?

That won't even buy
me a pimp steak.

Come on, put your weight on it.

- Seven?

- Seven?

See, now you in the hood

but you way down the block.

- $8.50.

- Wear it like you mean it.

- How much?

- For you, free as OJ.

[groovy rock music]

[upbeat jazz music]

[suspicious instrumental music]

- If I'm not back in five
minutes, call the pope.

Mary, I'm stuck.

[suspicious tense
instrumental music]

- [Man] Nor to men put
new wine toward skins--

- What, what is it?

Let me see.

- And the wine is
poured out, yes, yes.

But they put new
wine into new skins

and both are preserved together.

Those were the words
of the apostle Matthew,

chapter nine verse
17, to be exact.

[he laughs]

He brought these healing
truths to the people

in the only way available.

Through the pseudoscience
of religion.

[he laughs]

Oh yeah.

[he laughs]

Men of science, like of myself,

the apostles of
the new millennium,

can make his words flesh.

Photo-sensitivity is a
symptom of vampirism yes

but it can be controlled.

This skin, grafted
on to your body

will provide you the
immunity you need

to walk in the daylight.

The procedure's simple

and the anti-rejection
drugs will leave you

in a pleasantly euphoric state.

[he laughs]

It's important to
nourish the new skin

by ingesting massive
amounts of human hemoglobin

over the next few days

but that shouldn't be a
problem, now should it?

- Doc.

Slice open anyone
interesting today.

I know I did.

You'll be wanting a
new janitor by the way.

- Really Mr. Golgotha,
I must protest.

This is a sterile environment.

- Well I didn't come to
commit the sin of Onan,

just to check in on
our latest convert.

How's she doing?

- Still partially catatonic.

She's still suffering
from the effects

of post mortem stress disorder.

- Give me a call when you're
done with her body work.

Whoa, speaking of body work.

Hey, Max, how'd you find me?

- Followed the screams
Johnny, just like always.

Can you zip me up?

Listen, we need to talk.

- How's about over lunch?

I'm famished.

- You're a glutton.

- Wow, who's that?

- She's a vampire.

- Oh, too bad.

- I saw her k*ll two
priest with my own eyes.

- Mr. Golgotha, Ms. Shreck,

we're running low on skin.

I suggest we harvest
another l*sbian.

- 30 minutes or it's free.

[suspicious electronic music]

[suspicious instrumental music]

- [Woman] Girls, girls, girls?

[she screams]

[she screams]

[dramatic tense
instrumental music]

[she screams]

[she screams]

- Hey, you want to play a game?

- Sure.

- Close your eyes.

[blow lands]

You're it.

[dramatic drum music]

[tense instrumental music]

- I love what you're wearing.

[upbeat instrumental music]

[wood clatters]

[tense dramatic music]

[he shouts]

[tense dramatic music]

- Had enough?

[tense dramatic music]

[blows land]

[coughing]

[tense dramatic music]

- And when you have
lived in this empty house

long enough, a question
will arise within you,

this same question
this certain lawyer

asked of our lord in Luke 10:30,

"Who is my neighbor?"

[somber classical music]

- Help me.

[somber classical music]

- Please, help me.

- Sorry mate, my
compassion ended at 6 PM.

[somber classical music]

- Help.

- Oh Fifi, look.

Jesus, honey, you're a mess.

- How did you know my name?

[somber mysterious music]

[unintelligible]

[speaks Spanish]

- You're a stranger to me

but no stranger that I am.

It is strange what you see

when you look through
stranger's eyes.

You've got that
look in your eyes,

like you grow up on your own.

Different, apart,
and feeling alone.

I know how it feels,

when there's something inside.

Something too q*eer to show

but to real to hide.

Goodnight, sweet prince.

- [Voiceover] Jesus!

[soft somber jazz music]

- I'll be back with your
dessert in a minute.

- Excuse me, I didn't order...

[soft jazz music]

[indistinct talking]

- Jesus.

- Is that you bowl of cherries?

- Do bowls of
cherries talk, Jesus?

- I don't know, I've seen
a lot of strange things

over the years.

- You need help, Jesus,

and I have not forsaken you.

- Oh, it's you Dad.

So what's your advice.

- Seek out the sage of
the wresting ring, son.

He will stand along side you

and call your mom,
she misses you.

[upbeat funky Spanish music]

[upbeat funky Spanish music]

- [Man] Hombre,
hombre, Santo, Santo.

[upbeat funky Spanish music]

[camera flashes and whirs]

- Santos, over here,
just one photo.

- Any truth to the
rumor that you're coming

out of retirement?

- Any words for you fans?

- What do you think
about the state

of professional
wrestling today, Santo?

- Any comments on the
allegations that you've

had a falling out with
Aztec Mummy Ensemble?

- No comment, I have no comment.

Please direct your
questions to Ms. Oddball.

[upbeat funky Spanish music]

- Could you step aside so I
can get a photo of El Santo?

[cameras whir]

- Make sure you get my good side

or you'll get on my bad side.

[he laughs]

- Thanks so much.

[upbeat funky Spanish music]

- Now there's my front page.

[camera whirs]

- I've been a fan of your
flying clancho take down

for years, Santo.

It's an honor to
finally meet you.

- The pleasure is all mine.

I apologize for the reporters.

They are harder to escape
than the Blue Demon's

cobra clutch.

[upbeat Spanish music]

- Santos, over here champ.

I've got a car waiting.

- Madre de Dios, my old manager.

Don't let this
gringo con you Jesus,

he'll have you wrestling midgets

in border towns for
10 % of the net.

Danny, amigo.

[funky electronic music]

- Hey Santos, you got to see
this new act I'm managing.

Stop by tonight and we'll
talk a little business.

- Gracias, Danny.

I know why you're
here my savior.

I have chosen to
call myself the saint

and as such, I am your servant.

To you my lord, my
face is forever naked.

Now tell, you have found a place
to begin our investigation.

Si?

[funky electronic music]

[soft playful foreign music]

- Hey man, watch it.

You getting all in the kool aid

and you don't even
know the flavor.

- I know you know
Johnny Golgotha,

tell me where he is.

- Hey, I'm as close
as 99 is to 100

to Johnny and his crew
but I don't know you

from Adam, madam.

- You can save lives.

You have to tell us where he is,

for the sake of your soul,

if nothing else.

- Yeah, tell that
to a one legged man

so he can bump it off
down the road, Jack.

[he screams]

Okay, okay, I collar the jive,

you the boss, d*ck.

Say I cop, than I'd be cleaner

than the Board of Health, right?

- If you are truly repentant.

- Okay then man, okay.

Lay up.

I know you want
that grey-boy bad

but hustlers don't
call showdowns, dig?

Johnny and his main mellow
are out of town today.

There ain't nothing shaking
until tomorrow morning,

down at the point.

- Don't tempt me.

- [Voiceover] Oh, Jesus!

[somber suspicious
classical music]

[he laughs]

- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen

and welcome to the
Dominion Tavern.

There's a lot of beautiful
faces in the house tonight

but the man you're here
to see can't see you.

So make some noise for
Mr. Blind Jimmy Leper!

[crowd cheers]

- Thank you, thank
you very much.

Thank you.

[groovy rockabilly music]

[scatting]

[scatting]
[groovy rockabilly music]

- Jesus, I'm afraid I must
confess the sin of lust.

- Don't worry Santos,
he forgives all.

[he laughs]

- Thank you, thank
you, thank you.

So I've been told we've
got a very special

person in the audience
there tonight.

Without with there'd be
no soul for the brothers.

So, I'd like put your
hands together for our lord

and our savior, Jesus Christ.

[crowd applauds]

- One, two, unos, dos, tres.

[upbeat big band music]
[scatting]

I was born in a manger.

Doomed to live in danger.

Met Mary Magdalene,

had to rearrange her, yeah.

[tense dramatic
instrumental music]

[energetic drums]

[upbeat electronic dance music]

[he exhales]

[he exhales]

[upbeat electronic music]

- This may seem sudden

but I have learned from my
many years of experience

in the ring, to strike when
the opportunity arises.

What I'm trying to say is,

you've pinned my
heart to the mat

and I think I love you.

[upbeat electronic music]

- Where is everybody?

- They split, baby.

[hair clippers buzzing]

- [Voiceover] Hello son.

I was just wanting
to check up on you.

Are you keeping busy then, dear?

- Yeah, Mom.

I'm trying to help
some lesbians.

- Oh god loves them, they
get so much done in a day.

Don't you think?

- Yeah, listen, I
really have to go.

These vampires--

- Oh, now you're letting
those boys push you around,

are you?

They might seem
bigger than you now

but who do we
always say is going

to inherit the earth, dear?

- The meek, Mom.

- That's right love, now
don't let me keep you,

you go on now.

- Kay, Mom, talk to you later.

I love you.

[knock at door]

Hey.

[tense rock music]

- We have your friend
Santo on the ropes.

Unless you want to see
him go down for the count,

I suggest you deliver
yourself to us.

[tense rock music]

- If you would heal you woes

and prolong your life,

look not here in this
pharmacy of human vanity.

But here!

Recall ye the words
of the messiah

as they are spoken in Luke 4:23,

"Physician, heal thy self."

[triumphant classical music]

- Time for revelation, my lord.

[car engines turn on]

[engines rev]

You really haven't done anything

that they haven't, my lord.

You rose from the
dead, so did they.

You promised eternal
life, so did they.

But they offer so
much more power.

- I really I wish
we had the time

to invite more people, Jesus.

It's not everyday a
guy get's a chance

to commit deicide.

Sacrifice is your
thing, isn't it?

- I think you need to go
back to Sunday school.

My death was never
the end of the story.

- Let's get this over with.

- Any last words, Jesus?

- No, I've got a
question though.

Why lesbians?

- They're deviants,
no one will miss them.

- There's nothing
deviant about love.

- Good one.

The truth is as bitter
as garlic to them.

[engines rev]

[engines rev]

[bones crunch]

[tense adventurous
instrumental music]

[tense adventurous
instrumental music]

[engine hums]

[engine revs]

[adventurous music]

- Here Jesus, you'll need this

to k*ll that jackrabbit
albino son of b*tch.

[tense adventurous music]

- Thank you Loyd.

We're here live on location
at GNL auto wrecking

and recycling where a pitch
battle is taking place

between forces of good and evil.

Unconfirmed reports
indicate that none other

than Jesus Christ is involved

in a winner take all
fight to the finish

with an unknown
assailant or assailants.

I think I can see him now.

[tense music]

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is incredible.

- But you're at
the wrecking yard.

On TV live!

- I'm everywhere.

And on the 7th day, he rested.

[tense instrumental music]

[he shouts]

[he laughs]

[tense instrumental music]

[tense instrumental music]

- I've got you now.

[wet smacking]

[tense instrumental music]

- Not even this separates
you from my love.

[energetic tense music]

[dramatic music]

[dark dramatic electronic music]

[moist sizzling]

- [Santo] No my lord, no!

[dark dramatic music]

[uplifting instrumental music]

- My love cannot heal
this woman, my lord

but perhaps yours can.

Will you try?

- Her soul is in
jeopardy, Santos.

Just as millennia balance
on the silver of time

between the ticks of a clock,

so does her soul
now stand balanced

on a precipice between
the unending light

of heaven and the
undying fires of hell.

I can work this miracle, Santos.

To you and to your
love for Maggie.

Are you ready to
live up to your name?

Remove her mask!

[uplifting music]

[soft romantic music]

[speaks Spanish]

- Rabbi, where's Maxine?

- Maxine?

Maxine Shreck?

- Rabbi, I owe you
so much already.

The peace in my soul

and Maxine, she brings me a joy

that I never thought
possible here on Earth.

I was wondering, would you,

could you...

- Yeah, sure, okay.

[soft romantic music]

But Maggie, aren't
you a l*sbian?

- No, I'm bi.

- Yes, yes!

[he laughs]

Yes, yes!

[they laugh]

Yeah, right!

- But the end of all
things is drawn nigh.

Be sober therefore and
watchful onto prayers

but before all things,
having fervent love

amongst yourselves because
love covers a multitude

of sins.

Beloved, take not estrange
fire of persecution

which is taken
place amongst you,

as if something strange
was happening to you

but as ye have share in
the sufferings of Christ,

rejoice then in the
revelation of his glory,

also he may rejoice
with exaltation.

- Back when I was hanging
out with the apostles,

we had a saying,

if you can bear the
whole yolk of the lord,

you'll be perfect
but if you can't,

then do what you can.

I don't want you to
accept anything just

because I say it.

Think about it, make
up your own mind

and if you choose Christianity,

don't follow me,
follow my teachings.

It's the messages
that's important

not the messenger.

[phone ring]

[phone ring]

Hello?

Hey JP, I can't talk right now,

I'm in the middle of something.

Yeah, okay well later.

Listen, you don't need me
to tell you these things.

I'm not here to
give you new laws,

I'm just telling you
what you already know.

I'm the part of you that
feels bad when you don't give

that homeless guy
your spare change.

You know what's right.

Trust yourselves.

Learn to love, learn to forgive,

and remember five keeps
a neighborhood alive.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ It's all good

♪ It's alright

♪ Everybody gets laid

♪ Tonight

♪ He came from heaven

♪ Two stakes in his hands

♪ To smoke the vampires

♪ And free the land

♪ Come now and join him

♪ All ye strong and bold

♪ We'll fight together

♪ Like the days of old

♪ It's all good

♪ It's alright

♪ Everybody gets laid tonight

♪ It's all good

♪ It's alright

♪ Everybody gets laid

♪ Tonight

♪ Behold his glory

♪ Come praise the light

♪ That has delivered us

♪ From the endless night

♪ Come sound the trumpet

♪ Prepare the feast

♪ And make a joyful shout

♪ To he who slayed the beast

♪ It's all good

♪ It's alright

♪ Everybody gets laid tonight

♪ Tonight

♪ It's all good

♪ It's alright

♪ Everybody gets laid

♪ Tonight

[energetic guitar solo]

♪ Gets laid

♪ Tonight

♪ Tonight

♪ Tonight

[energetic guitar solo]

♪ Be you young

♪ Old

♪ Weak

♪ Poor

♪ Come and join him now

♪ You are not alone

♪ It's all good

♪ It's alright

♪ Everybody gets laid tonight

♪ Tonight

♪ It's all good

♪ It's alright

♪ Everybody gets laid tonight

♪ It's all good

♪ It's alright

♪ Everybody gets laid tonight

♪ It's all good

♪ It's alright

♪ Everybody gets laid tonight

♪ It's all good

♪ It's alright

♪ Everybody gets laid tonight

♪ It's all good

♪ It's alright

♪ Everybody gets laid tonight

♪ It's all good

♪ It's alright

♪ Everybody gets laid tonight

♪ It's all good

♪ It's alright

[epic classical music]

[funky electronic music]

[slow romantic foreign music]

- [Voiceover] Jesus.