I Sell the Dead (2008)

[bunniefuu]

[Church bell clanging]

- Willie Grimes reprimanded
and ready for the...

- Go on, get out of it.

I thought I'd remain sober
for the day.

[Voices overlapping]

Oh, that's sharp.

That's a very close shave,
indeed.

I've changed my mind.

I'll be off, then.

I've an appointment
with Oswald Mitchells.

I've changed my mind.

Little buggers.

You b*stards.

[All yelling]

- Serve that blade up, mate.

- I don't think it's
quite my size.

It's a little tight
around the neck.

- Lop his bleedin' head off.

- I'll see you in hell,
you bollocks.

- f*ck you, Grimes.

- A's for you.

[Spits]

[All shouting indistinctly]

- In the basket.

In the basket.

- Father.

Thank God.

Ow!

- I didn't do anything.

Get me out of this thing.

- Mr. Blake.

Mr. Arthur Blake.

- Yes.

- Body snatching.

Hmm.

It is my duty to write,
for the purpose of announcement

and later for printing,
your final words.

Eh, so that others drawn
to the wayside may, uh...

take heed in your cries of guilt
and pleas for forgiveness.

It is also my duty to inform you

that you are to be ex*cuted
by way of, uh...

beheading.

For a lifetime spent
in the despicable pursuit

of grave robbing and m*rder...

[murmuring]

Well, all this really means
is that you're a dead man,

and I'm here
to make you say sorry.

- You'd be after
my gallows speech, then.

- By hook or by crook.

- Did you get a speech
out of old Willie

before they
chopped off his head?

- It would have been nice
to have a chat with your friend,

maybe extrapolate a story or two
from him,

but, well, sadly,
that was not to be.

Do you have anything to say
for yourself before they, uh...

[chopping noise]

- Well, I suppose
you wouldn't believe me

if I told you I was innocent.

- Innocent?

- Of m*rder, that is.

The despicable grave robbing
part sounds about right.

- Well, that's a new one.

Why don't I have a chat
with the executioner

and may... maybe get you
a pardon, like?

- All I know is this.

I woke up in the morning,
the coppers were at my door.

And get this.

They followed a fresh trail
of body parts

that led all the way
from the station to my house.

A's if I'd be that stupid.

The same thing happened
to Willie.

Fresh trail of body parts
that led all the way

from the station
to his doorstep.

And then they called us
murderers.

Bollocks.

We were set up.

- Not a m*rder*r, then.

- Nope.

- Grave robber?
- Yep.

Bloody good one too.

- Would you mind shining a light

on what it was
that made you so exceptional?

- I'm not sure I want to
go down that road, Father.

You know, when I look back on it
now, it seems...

Well, I'm not sure
you would believe a word of it.

Besides,
I have a terrible memory.

- Eh, you'd be surprised what a
man of the cloth might believe.

You think this might help
with your memory?

- It... it might.

Here's to the late, great
Willie Grimes.

- Oh, you'll be seeing him very
soon, Mr. Blake, very soon.

- A'ye, that I will.

I suppose we have some time
to k*ll, Father?

- Eh, Francis Duffy.

Father Francis Duffy.

And you have exactly
five hours to k*ll.

- I'll tell you what, Father.

You keep this whiskey
here flowing,

we'll have ourselves
a little chat.

- Well,
that's a fair trade then.

So tell me,

how did you start out
in your life of crime?

- Well, I suppose
I'd have to go back a bit,

back to when I first met Willie.

Willie got me into the trade.

I was his apprentice.

You see, it was body snatching
or the streets for me

and my ma,
my little brother.

- Are you frightened?

Of course you is.

I remember the first job
I pulled.

Nearly sh*t myself, didn't I?

With me old man it was.

Miserable b*stard.

So what brought you down
to the Fortune of w*r, then?

- My mom told me to go there
and talk to Ronnie.

When I got there,
he gave me an ale

and said I was gonna
meet you here tonight.

You might keep me on.

- Who's your Ma, then?

- Mary Blake.

She works down at the food lane.

Selling things.

- Ah, things.

- If I can get a job,

she says she could stay home
with me little brother.

He's only a baby.

- f*cking single grave,
isn't it?

Now, you watch old Willie
and see how the job gets done.

You want that hole narrow.

Don't make it too wide neither.

Now, what I want for you
is to get down there

and smack a hole
in the lid of that box.

- The coffin?

- Yeah, the coffin.

Come on now, boy,
get on with it.

You done yet?

- Me hands are bleeding.

- Oh, give it some.

Don't stop till you
hack through it.

- I'm going to be sick.

- Now stomp on the lid a bit
so's you can reach in.

What you want to do is,
you take this rope,

tie it round to whatever it is
that's down there.

Good lad.

All right, now get out of it
while I take a butchers.

Wow, that's some
tight hold on that.

[Grunting]

Give us a hand with this shroud.

See, that's the one thing
we don't take.

You could be done
for nicking that.

You don't know her, do ya?

Well, do ya?

- It was Mrs. Tulley.

She lives around from me Ma.

- Well, not anymore
she doesn't.

You'll be wanting
a stronger stomach

if you're gonna get into this
line of business, you would.

- Which way now?

- Here, boy.

You deserve a drink.

- What is it?

- It's good stuff...

and you've earned it.

Now take some.

Oop.

Get that for me, will you?

- I found it.

- Why did he not
strike you down?

- He didn't have the heart,
Father.

Like I said,
Willie wasn't a m*rder*r.

You know, underneath
all that dirt and grime,

you'll find more dirt and grime,

and then underneath all that,

you'll find that Willie
has a heart of gold.

- Had, Mr. Blake.

Had a heart of gold.

Your friend
is no longer with us.

- Oh, yeah,
had a heart of gold.

- Mm-hmm.

- So he took me on
as his apprentice,

and for better or worse,

that was the start
of my life of crime.

- And how long did you remain
under his employ?

- On and off over the years.

Sometimes I employed him.

Mainly though we were under the
thumb of one Dr. Vernon Quint.

Quint.

Yeah, he was a fiend.

Had Willie and I
slaving for years,

blackmailing us with the law
if we didn't deliver the goods.

- And he had you ransacking
the graveyards for him, eh?

Were you free to snatch
as you pleased?

- Not really.

I mean, the coppers could be
bought off from time to time,

but the relatives,
they were out for blood.

We had to think on our feet,
look elsewhere for corpses.

- Go on, give her a little poke.

- She had a wooden leg,
hollow in the middle.

She used to tie it with a string
and play it like a fiddle.

She'd fiddle in the hall;
she'd fiddle in the alleyway.

She didn't give a damn,
for she had to fiddle anyway.

- Here you go lads,
get them into you.

- Oh, yeah, very good.

- Thanks, Maisey,
here's to Kathleen.

- Lord have mercy on her soul.

- A' hard life.

Some would say she's off
to a better place.

- Hard life?

Hard living more like.

Ah, but look at the beautiful
corpse she left behind.

It was the pleurisy got her
in the end.

- Expecting many guests, Maisey?

- No, she didn't leave many
friends behind her, Tommy,

and we couldn't afford
the O’Casey mourners.

- Terribly expensive.

[Knocks on door]

- Oh.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Maybe I spoke too soon.

- Friends indeed.

You're only here for the drink.

- Feck off, you.

She was an awful woman.

- An old wh*re, if you ask me.

- Now, lads, this is Arthur.

Kathleen's sister's son.

- Oh.

She was a lovely woman, son.

- A' terrible day, son.

- Me ma sends her love.

- Would you like
a cup of tea, dear?

- Can I see me auntie?

- Go ahead, son.

Sure she's only just asleep.

Asleep with the Lord.

Dead.

She's dead, son.

- Dead.

[Crying]

- Ah, there now, son,
save your tears.

Sure she's at rest now.

Oh, there, there.

I'll make you a nice cup of tea.

- Sure I'll have one
if there is one going, Maisey.

- There's that cake too, Maisey.

- Go on,
go on, son

Let it out of you.

- Can I have a minute alone
with her...

to say good-bye?

I want to whisper her a prayer.

So she'll get
to the Lord sooner.

- Come on.

- Let... let's leave the boy alone
with his aunt.

- You two can help me
in the pantry.

We'll fix you a nice
cup of tea, son.

- I'll only be a minute.

- Open the door, son.

I think he's locked us in.

- The little b*stard's
snuffin' her.

- Willie.

They're on to me!

- Come on, toss it down.

- You feckin' little b*stard.

I wring your bloody neck
when I get a hold of ya.

I'll box your ears in
when I get you,

do you hear me?

- You little toe rag.

Get back here.

- Ha ha.

I'm very proud of you, lad.

- Willie, I think it's time
we talk about my salary.

- Oh, what about it?

- Well, I think it's time
I had one.

- Ha!

We'll take that sentiment
down to the pub.

- Arthur Blake.

When will you be making
an honest woman out of me, then?

- Ah, go on, you old brasser.

- You come back
with your earnings,

and I'll show you a brasser.

- Willie.

I think it's time we talk about
my salary, now.

- [Laughs]

[Animal howling]

- Oh, shut up.

It's not even a full moon.

[Voices overlapping]

- You'll have the mick brigade
after yous now.

- After who?

Nobody saw me, Ronnie.

It was all the young
blackguard's doing.

- Yeah well,
there'd be no Burke

without the little Hare
over here.

You two are getting
a reputation.

You need to lie low for a while.

- Oh, we had to do it.

That ornament Dr. Quint had us
between a rock and a hard place.

And now we can't get near
the cemeteries no more.

- He's threatening the law
if we don't keep up deliveries.

- He's got you
by the bollocks, then.

- b*stard.

- I'll drink to the end of him.

- You know, I hear he plays
each corpse a tune on his fiddle

before he gets stuck in.

- Enough of Quint.

Sever all ties,
that's what I say.

- Speak of the devil.

- Evening, doctor.

- Gentlemen.

A' port, Ronnie,
and two ales for my friends.

- It's very kind of you, boss.

- That's what friends are for,
Willie.

Wonderful catch last night,
boys.

But I must admit I am curious

as to why it was such
a fresh and clean specimen.

- Ah, well,
nothing too untoward boss,

snatched it from a wake,
so we did.

- One must be creative
in these times.

Advancing medicine
is what you two are doing.

History will be very kind,
gentlemen.

A's will I.

But I am afraid
this is not a social visit.

My practice is in dire need,
gentlemen.

- Ah.

Well, the thing is,

things have been
a bit slow lately, boss.

- What kind of weak fool
are you?

There's a perfect specimen
standing right beside you.

- He helps me out.

He's earned his keep
in this world.

- I need more corpses,
and I need them now.

I don't care
where they come from,

and if you two
can't get them for me,

I'll hire Murphy and his men,

and I'll have two fresh corpses
on my table

by the end of the week.

- Swine.

He'll be the death of us.

- Stiffed us with the bill too.

- I have filth on you two,

enough to see you hanged,
drawn, and quartered.

I need them fresher.

Get rid of this stale thing

and bring me
something worthwhile.

I need more corpses,
more corpses

I need more corpses.

The stink of that corpse
is almost as foul

as the two of you.

Get me fresh specimens
immediately,

or there will be trouble.

- That's how it was for years.

Slaving away for Quint,
making sure he was happy.

Meanwhile,
we weren't making a penny.

On the bread line, we were.

- A' hard slog.

- One job though,
one job changed all that.

One job turned us from
body snatchers into ghouls.

- Ghouls?

- Ghouls.

A' body snatcher
will steal the dead,

but a ghoul will steal just
about anything, dead or other.

Time was when a corpse
didn't do much,

just laid there.

Not so anymore.

- Well, I mean, surely to God,

a corpse is a corpse
is a corpse.

What harm is one to anyone?

- Plenty,
if it has a good mind to.

- I see.

- No, you don't.

- I think I do.

- Father, if I've learned
anything over the years,

it's that you never,
ever trust a corpse.

- I had hoped to be hearing
these tales today.

When I first heard that
the snatchers Grimes and Blake

had been reprimanded,
I rushed here to meet with you.

- You've heard of us, then?

- Oh, your reputation
precedes you

in certain circles.

- Occult circles.

You have some knowledge
of the occult, then.

Things that go...

[loud thump]

- In the night, yes.

Yes.

When I first heard the stories,

I thought they were
the stuff of nonsense.

But lately I've come
to accept them,

and I actively pursue
the tellers.

Unfortunately,
my time with them is brief.

In fact, you'd be dead right now
if it wasn't for me.

- Is that so?

- Oh, yeah.

I paid the executioner
for our time together.

- Is this the first time
you've paid someone

to be alone with a man,
Father?

- You're not looking too funny
right now Mr. Blake.

Willie Grimes.

Willie Grimes introduced you

to the underbelly
of the resurrection trade.

- Well, not so much
as introduced me,

more as stumbled upon it
with me.

Ronnie put us onto this job.

Out on the moors, it was,

right in the middle of nowhere.

Took us ages to find it.

But it was worth the effort.

- Right, it's ready.

You can unearth the thing.

I'm wrecked.

- You're getting old.

- I'm getting hungry.

- Me too.

I hate this.

Backbreaking work,
and all we ever are is famished.

- And broke.

If that rotten b*stard Quint
was a little less miserable,

things might be different.

- We should do him in.

- Ah, he's too well connected.

Besides, that's a mug's game.

Still, I'm hungry enough,

I could eat that corpse
over there.

What you got there?

- Sandwich.

- A' what which?

- Sandwich.

It's food.

- Food.

- Two lumps of bread
with something in the middle.

It's genius.

- Ah, it's q*eer.

- No, it's all right.

You can put anything inside.

- What's in it?

- Uh, looks like...

- Like?

- Looks like it tastes better
than it looks.

- How did you afford one?

- I nicked it.
- Arthur.

- What?

I'll pay them back
when I'm flush.

- I fancy a bite.

Give it here.

- I'll tell you what.

I'll share it with you
for a few glugs of your whiskey.

- Done.

- Bloody hell.

You were hungry.

You're not having any of mine.

What I don't get
is why they buried a corpse

outside of a graveyard.

- Suicide most likely.

Idiot clergy probably
excommunicated them,

so there was nowhere else
to bury them.

- Why at a crossroads?

- Gob shite superstition.

So's if the spirit rises,

it'll not know
which way is which

and wander about the place lost.

- Which way is which.

Which sandwich is which.

- Boy, get at it, come on.

- All right,
you moody so and so.

Willie?

- What?

- Look at this.

- What, we don't know her,
do we?

Oh, that's odd.

- Look at its eyes.

- Maybe we should just leave it.

- No.

Have that b*stard Quint
on our tails?

It's a perfectly good piece.

What's that around her neck?

- That's... that's garlic.

Ronnie's got that stuff
all over the Fortune of w*r.

Keep things away from the place.

- Garlic?

It's stinky.

- Don't do that.

That's there for a reason.

- Gob shite superstition,
Willie.

- Who would do a thing
like that?

- I don't know,
but I'm glad they did.

This piece will put us
in good standing with Quint.

Pull it out.

- No way, mate.

- I dare you.

- No way, I say.

You're out of your head.

- Help me.

Come on, help me.

- Come on.

Let's get the corpse
in the cart.

Oh, look at this mess.

What we need is a new cart,
Arthur.

Something roomy.

How are we even gonna
fit the corpse in there?

- Willie.

- Let's get the hell
out of here.

- Maybe she wasn't dead.

- Not exactly alive neither.

- Un...

- Dead.

[Loud crash]

Bollocks, shite.

- What do you like, Grimes?

What do you like?

Hey, do you hear that?

[Woman wheezing]

- No, I do not.

[Wheezing continues]

- Willie.

- Arthur.

- Willie.

Missus?

You all right?

[Wheezing]

- [Shrieking]

- [Screaming]

- [Laughs]

- [Shrieking]

[Metallic clang]

- I think it's gone.

- Why did you have to hit me?

- It was all on you.

What else was I suppose to do?

- Ow.

Look.

- Ah, you're bleeding.

You keep away from me.

You might be inflicted.

- Oh, shut up.

[Laughter]

- What time is it, huh?

- How should I know?

- I think it's getting lighter.

- Yeah.

- I think it might be gone.

- Can we go then?

- Yeah, I think so.

- [Shrieking]

- Willie!

- [Laughing]

- That was mad.

- Get back, get back.

- What?

- Get back, Arthur.

[Chuckles]

- What are you doing?

- Watch this.
- What are you doing?

- [Shrieking]

- Oy, you mad b*stard,
come on let's go.

Leave it.

- [Shrieking]

- [Laughs]
- Don't do that.

Don't, you mad b*stard,
don't do that, don't.

Come on, let's go, Willie.

Let's go;
I wanna go.

- I've got an idea.

[Playing mournful violin music]

% %

- Thank you for your sacrifice,
my child.

[Screaming]

- After that job, we were never
bothered by Quint again,

and we struck gold
with the undead.

We realized that people
would pay ten times as much

for your more unusual corpse.

And the jobs kept finding us.

It was as if we opened the door
to another world

and got a sniff of it,

or it got a sniff of us.

Came across a whole
many of things after that.

- So trafficking the undead
was more lucrative, eh?

- Absolutely.

That's where the real money was.

That's how it was for a while
for me and old Willie Grimes,

making good money snatching all
sorts of things dead, undead.

- And, uh, who paid you?

- A' select few.

Those who realize the potential.

Of course, it didn't always go
according to plan.

There were times when we'd go to
the trouble of unearthing things

only to have them stolen
from us.

Snatched by a rival g*ng.

Sometimes at knifepoint.

- Rival gangs.

- Right bunch of conniving
swines they were.

You see, Willie and I,

we were more your kind of
happy-go-lucky types.

But, you know,
some people took things

a little bit more seriously.

Some of them were real creeps.

- Such as?

- We had run-ins
with a crowd of lunatics

called the House of Murphy.

- Ah, the famed House of Murphy.

I've heard many stories about
Cornelius Murphy and his g*ng.

- Hated us they did.

You see, we'd like to get in
and out the yards unnoticed.

But they would make this
big song and dance out of it.

He made us look like
a right bunch of amateurs.

- You have any recent encounters
with the House of Murphy?

- Yeah, unfortunately, yes.

But let me tell you
about this one time.

Strangest job I ever pulled.

It was most bloody peculiar.

You know, if you were
to drop down dead right now,

I would sling you in that cart
and call it a night.

- You wouldn't get a penny
for my whisky-logged corpse.

- Hey, if I croak before you do,
feel free to make a penny.

- I won't hear of it.

It's not proper.

Would you really try
to sell me off?

- I might.

- The bloody cheek.

Do you like my new cart?

It's quality.

- Very modern.

- Thought I might do a bit
of shite shoveling with it.

You know,
running after the horses,

collecting their shite
to sell for compost.

Well, it's good money,
and it's legal.

Hugo Fortune got me onto it.

Mind you,
I haven't bothered yet.

Are you interested?

I could loan you out the cart.

- No chance.

So what did Ronnie say
about this piece, then?

- He said there's a corpse
out here

that not only won't jump up
and try to k*ll us,

it'll fetch us a small fortune
as well.

- That's a bit curious,
isn't it?

[Loud crash]

- Bollocks.

- Oh, f*ck you, Grimes.

"Quality,"
what a piece of shite.

[Laughs]

- Get the shovels.

- It's frozen.

- What?

- The ground.

It's frozen.

- That's gonna take all night
to dig out.

- Why is it frozen?

Nowhere else is.

- Well, if whatever it is
that's down there is frozen,

then I'm a happy man.

'Cause if it's frozen,

it won't be jumping
about the place

trying to m*rder us.

- I suppose.

It's a bit unusual.

- Ah, yes, Arthur,
it's curious.

All right, I'll start it.

You can finish it.

[Groans]

Bugger.

Ah.

- [Yawning]

[Coughing]

Looks like a child's coffin.

Do they want the box and all?

- Yeah, they said
not to even try to open it.

I'm not carrying
that thing back.

It's freezing.

- Well, we should smash it open.

- Oh, fetch more if we don't.

- Ow.

Oh, that hurt.

Hey, give us your knife.

If I can wedge this in.

- I'm telling you,
be careful.

- Ow, ow, my fingers,
freezing over.

- Let's just kick it back.

- No, no, no, let's wrap it
and carry it.

- Wrap it with what?

Ah, it's heavy.

That's no child in there.

It's heavy.

Look at that.

What do you reckon that is?

- Don't know.

- Never seen anything like it.

It's not moving, is it?

- No.

- Could be from Dotsie's,

you know, the circus?

Could be a little freak
from Dotsie's.

- I don't think so.

I don't think that thing
is from anywhere near Dotsie's.

- Look at the size of its head.

- Well, be easier to move now.

It's not as cold
as it was in the box.

- All right.
All right.

Let's get out of here.

Come on.

- Good evening to you,
gentlemen.

Now, if you don't mind terribly,

you'll be dropping
that corpse off for me now.

- Willie,
do you know this as*h*le?

- [Laughs]

Cornelius, don't mind
the young fellow.

He's a little fresh
around the ears.

- Hand that there over now, boy.

- Arthur meet Cornelius Murphy.

Now, be a pet
and hand him over the whatsit.

- Having a laugh, aren't you?

- I'd listen to your boss if
you want to live past tonight.

- That's a good lad.

Now pass it along.

Don't be stupid, Arthur.

Do as the gentleman says.

I'll explain later.

- On the ground there.

- Do it.

- Afraid I can't do that.

You see, this took us
a few hours to dig up.

Now that we've got it,
I don't want to give it back.

- Drop it and live.

- Drop the corpse.

[All grunting]

[Low pulsing sound]

- What?

- Oh, my head.

- I admire your pluck, lad.

When you're through fumblin'
about cemeteries with this fool,

come and call
on the House of Murphy.

- Somebody snatched
our snatchins.

- I think I'm in the wrong line
of business.

- I'm all light-headed.

How did they manage it?

- Hey, who did you say
that was again?

- That was Cornelius Murphy,
and you're lucky to be alive.

- I think he just offered me
a job.

- What and leave a good thing
like this?

- No.

He seemed a little bit
too intense to me.

So Fortune of w*r?

- Oh, aye.

I'm flat broke though.

- Yeah, me too.

I got this new bird, though.

She might have a couple of quid.

- Ah, good for you, son.

- Some jobs were harder
than others.

We went hungry at times,

but mainly we made off
with whatever we snatched.

- But you, uh...

you took him up on his offer,
Murphy.

- No.

But I considered it.

There were no flies on him,

and if there were,
they were paying rent.

- But you crossed paths again?

- Oh, aye.

Well, Willie and I had it in
for the snobs.

They thought they were
better than us.

- When was... when was
the last time you crossed paths?

- Not too long ago, but here.

Let me tell you about the time
I teamed up with The Whistler.

Hoo.

- Uh, Mr. Blake.

- He was a slippery bollocks.

What about The Wrinkler?

I have a million stories.

I knew all the snatchers.
- Mr. Blake!

If we had the time,

I'd love to hear
all your lovely stories,

but time is of the essence.

Now I would like to hear
about the House of Murphy.

- Why?

They're a g*ng of assholes.

I'm bored talking about them.

Got what they deserved.

- What did they get?

Eh?

Look.

I would love to finish my
chapter on the House of Murphy.

Now, tell me about Cornelius.

- Fair enough.

Let me see.

Mad b*stard from a long line
of mad b*stards,

not much of a sense of humor,

believed to be
in league with Lucifer.

- Was he now?

And what about his g*ng?

- Well, old Cornelius
and his g*ng

had a knack
for snatching the undead.

They took it very personally.

It's a family business
with them.

His father
was the real mastermind,

had Cornelius and his g*ng
doing all his dirty work,

supposed to be
a right evil b*stard.

Anyway, Willie and I were told
to stay clear of them,

and we did mainly.

That's how it was for years.

We kept our head above water.

Ronnie helped us out by
keeping his ear to the ground.

We even took on an apprentice,
Fanny Bryers.

One point, she was a wrecker.

- A' wrecker?

- Oh, she would lure ships
onto the rocks

and scavenge the wreckage.

[People screaming]

But she got bored of that

and had aspirations
of being a snatcher.

Fanny Bryers, hmm.

Lovely, lovely Fanny Bryers.

- Lovely.

Did you here that, Willie?

Arthur says I'm lovely.

- Well, he must be drunk,
you boozy old slapper.

- Oh, shove off, you.

I am lovely.

- You are lovely.

You are.

Don't you even listen to him.

Oh!

- You should be ashamed
of your selves.

- Here it is.

Here it is.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- That's mine.

- Ready? Ready?

Are you ready, Mr. Grimes?

- Right, wait a minute.

When I finish this pint,

I'm gonna put
the empty glass on me head,

and that's when you two
go for it.

Right, then?

Okay, here we go.

[Indistinct muttering[

- It's very sexy.

- % Says my aul wan
to your aul wan%

% will you come
to the Waxies dargle? %

% Says your aul wan
to my aul wan%

% Sure, I haven't got
a farthing%

% Just been down to Monto town%

% to see uncle McArdle%

% But he wouldn't give me
half a crown%

% for to go
to the Waxies dargle%

% What'll you have? %

% I'll have a pint%

% I'll have a pint with you,
sir%

% And if one of us
doesn't order soon%

% We'll get chucked out
of the boozer%

[exuberant Irish music]

% %

% I'll have a pint
with you, sir%

% And if one of us
doesn't order soon%

% We'll get chucked out
of the boozer%

[raucous cheering]

- It's a bleedin' draw.

- Robbed I was.

I was robbed.

- Ha!

- I'm catching up with you,
old man.

I was robbed of that.

Come here.

- You'll have him the next time,
Arthur.

- Yeah, I will.

I'll have you next time.

- Can you two talk business?

- Sober as a judge, mate.

- You remember Maisey O’Connell?

- I'll box your ears in
when I get you.

Do you hear me?

- A' friend of the family.

- Is she still
not talking to you?

- No.

Neither is me family.

- She's in here the other night.

She's got a new job
working at the old mortuary,

you know, the place that handles

a lot of the old
walking stiff trade.

It's her first night on the job,

and no one had told her about
their more unusual shipments.

- What did she come across?

- Well, she wouldn't say,

so I filled the aul wan so full
of booze she couldn't walk.

I called her a carriage.

I closed the place down.

- There's no love nor money

could drag me back
to that place ever again.

- Yes, dear.

Get in.

- And me with me nerves.

- So terrified she was
with what she saw,

she insists I ride with her.

- You had a bad day, Maisey?

- What was that?

- A'-a bad day, Maisey.

- Ah.

Lantern Jesus,
for a moment there

I thought I dreamt up
the whole thing.

Oh, I never want to go back
to that place again.

- You sure you might not feel
different in the morning?

- It's off to the house
of the Lord in the morning.

'Twas pure and simple evil
I met up with.

- Was it something hideous
and awful?

You can talk to me, Maisey.

I'm a good listener.

What did you see today?

- The living dead.

- Bingo.

- Lovely.

- Yeah, the woman was mortified,

said she was expecting
a shipment that morning.

Shipment was to arrive by boat,
but the boat crashed,

somewhere off
of Langols Island.

Only one of three boxes
was recovered.

- What was in the box?

- Took me ages
to prize open the box.

And I'm only an old woman,

and there was nobody
else about.

- Ah, but you got it open.

- Oh, I opened it, all right.

[Screaming]

- Brilliant.

- That's very funny, Ronnie.

- Yous two are terrible.

The poor woman.

- So how'd she get away, Ron?

- Oh, it had the grip on me.

'Twas the unholy grasp of Satan.

I looked into its dead,
black eyes,

and I could see meself
screaming back at meself.

Oh, I thought I was dead
for sure.

- Jesus, Maisey,
you're lucky to be alive.

- It was horrible,

the pale, spidery thing.

- If it hadn't been
for my cross and chain,

he would have had me guts
for garters.

- A' cross, eh?

- A' good thing in
all the rest never arrived.

Expecting two more we were,

but word has it
they got lost at sea.

And now they tell me they got
washed up on Langols Island

and have to be retrieved.

Well, I want nothing more
to do with it.

- It seems a few "surgeons"
believe these things

may be the key
to immortality.

That's why they're so desperate

to get their hands
on these corpses.

- Immortality?

- Well, who's off
to Langols Island, then?

Who's with old Willie?

- Easy pickings.

- Nice little earner, boys.

We'll need
a what you may call it,

a crustafix.

- A' crucifix, love.

- Yeah, well, there's just
one problem, boys and girls.

- Ah, no worries, Ronnie.

Name your percentage.

- Yeah, well,
it is a tiny little slice,

but that's not the problem.

They've, uh, hired somebody
to help them pick up the pieces.

- Who?

- It seems the mortuary has
called on the House of Murphy

to help them out.

- That's that, then.

- Bollocks.

- What's the House of Murphy?

- Not what, who.

- It's a vicious g*ng
of body snatchers

that I don't want to cross.

- We'd be fools to try, Willie.

- Now, they can't be
all that bad.

- Let me tell you something
about the House of Murphy.

First of all,
there's the big wig himself,

Samuel Murphy,
Sam the Spider.

Keeps himself
well out of sight.

They call him the Spider

because he likes to play
with his victims for hours

before k*lling them.

They say once he's ready
to k*ll,

he uses a three-clawed hook
to gauge out the eyes

and the tongues of his victims.

Then there's his son,
Cornelius Murphy.

One of the meanest b*stards
I've ever met, alive or dead.

Rumor has it
he's a corpse grinder,

grinds the bones
from the coffins he's nicked

and sniffs them.

He can smell out the dead
before they're even cold.

Valentine Kelly,
Murphy's right-hand man,

so to speak.

They say she got her name

after she was almost
burned to death

by a lover on Valentine's Day.

Her face is so twisted
and deformed

that she keeps it hidden except
for those she's about to k*ll.

Then there's the Bulger.

You couldn't find
a more loyal servant.

Murphy saved him from
being beaten to death once.

Left with no teeth,

Murphy had a dentist of sorts
graft dog teeth onto his gums.

Bulger owes him everything.

- You're all cowards.

There's money to be made
in Langols Island.

That's enough to keep us all
happy and lovely

for a really long time.

You lot are telling me
you're afraid.

- In a word, yes.

- Yes.

- Yeah, looks like it.

- This lot can't be any worse
than what's in those boxes.

- Fanny, forget it.

- I'm sticking
to the cemeteries.

- Lads.

- Remember,
you are our apprentice,

not our partner.

You got to reign it in a little,
love.

- Thanks, Ronnie,
but no thanks.

- Yeah, well,
maybe it's for the best.

Just thought I'd give you lads
a heads-up.

Murphy and his lot,

they won't be on the island
till tomorrow morning.

- There'll be other jobs, Fanny.

- When?

There won't be other jobs
like this one.

If we're afraid of crossin'
a few knackers

like this Murphy's lot.

This one could've set us up
for a while,

gave us enough money
to enjoy life,

take me down to the
Sinister Duck once in a while,

live it up,

instead of going to that old kip
every night of the week.

What about our dream
of doing better for ourselves?

- You be careful of dreams,
Fanny.

They'll lead you down
a garden path

and into a ditch
before you know it.

The Fortune of w*r,

filled with people
who followed their dreams.

Look what they got to.

Willie's right,

keep chipping away
at the smaller jobs,

everything else
will fall into place.

- Willie Grimes.

- What about him?

- If you had any backbone,
you'd be out on your own

instead of letting
that old drunk lean on you.

He's a drunken old coward,
and he's dragging you down.

- That's not fair.

Willie and I go back a long way.

- You'd be on that island if you
weren't listening to his fears.

We could be on and off
before anyone else.

There'd be no trouble.

- It'll end badly,

and it'll end
with a lot of blood.

You don't know
what these people are like.

This is your first job.

Took me years to get it down.

Willie's right.

You have to earn your keep

before you tackle
a big job like this.

- If we're gonna make it
anywhere in this world,

we got to stand up
for ourselves.

This Cornelius and his dad
can't be all that bad.

No one's that mean.

- When Cornelius was five,

his mother gave him
one of them clockwork toys.

He loved it.

He was always playing with it,
always winding it up.

His father stomped on it.

He just crushed it.

Then there was the time
when little Cornelius

found a baby chick.

Called it Pappy,
fed it,

you know, took a shine to it.

His dad crushed
the life out of it.

Poor little Pappy,

all spread out
on the floor like that.

Then his mother buys him
a rabbit.

This time Cornelius
is determined

not to let his old man
harm the animal.

At age five, he strangles it
and partially devours it,

just so his old man
can't get to it.

He's a born and bred
merciless k*ller

trained not to care
about life or death.

It's a different league.

- Feck this.

I'm off to Langols Island.

I can take care of meself.

And if you and that poxy
Willie Grimes are too scared,

then I'll see you
down at the pub later.

- You can't go on your own.

- Well, then get up out of bed
and come with me.

We need this job, Arthur.

I'm sick of being broke.

- There's good money
coming to us, Fanny.

- There'll be no trouble.

Please, Arthur.

We can do this.

- What are you doing?

- I'll make it worth your while.

- It'll end badly.

Fanny?

- Arthur.

- Fanny.

Forget it.

There's no way I'm going
to the island,

and that's the last word of it.

- Must be out of our
bleeding minds,

out here at this hour
of the night.

Letting a woman
tell you what to do.

- Yeah, well, you'll be
thanking me tonight

when we've made a k*lling
off of this lot.

- A' k*lling.

That's what I'm afraid of.

- Oh, shut up, Willie.

We're out here now.

We may as well
make the most of it.

I can't see a thing in this fog.

How far is the island?

- Ought to be there by morning
if we don't hit rocks or worse.

- Worse?

- There are things
swimming around in this sea

that you don't
want to come across.

- Have you been out here before?

- No.

Only ever heard the stories.

- Me da used to go fishing
out here.

Yeah, my little brother and I

used to watch him
from the summit.

- That's a really nice memory,
Arthur.

- There was this one time

he was coming back in to land.

The water all around him
started bubbling up,

and then we saw it.

A' black mist it was,
surrounding my old man's boat.

Something hidden inside sucked
him down to a watery grave.

- [Chuckles]

Yes, that's a...
that's a lovely memory, Arthur.

- Ah, he was all right, he was.

Never laid a hand on us neither.

A' hard worker too.

- Bloody fool to be fishing
in these waters.

- True.

So we have a few hours
on Murphy and his men, right?

Ronnie said they wouldn't
be here by morning.

Get the crates,
get the hell out of there.

No trouble, right, Willie?

- That's fine by me.

- Did you bring your crucifix?

- Of course.

Whoopsie daisey.

[Low roaring sound]

- Did you hear that?

- Aye.

- What was it?

- Arthur’s old fella coming back
to give him a clatter.

- There's worse things out here
than running into my old dad.

I hate these waters.

- It's eerie.

- I suggest we keep our
mouths closed from here on in.

- Wake me up when we get there.

Must be out of
our bleeding minds.

[Thunder rumbling]

[Roaring]

- Excuse me.

Could you
keep the noise down, please?

Or I'll cut your
bleeding head off.

- What are we gonna do now?

No k*lling, you said,
no trouble.

- We was gonna knock him out
with this.

- And have him get up
and k*ll us?

You must be daft.

- You have no idea
what you've just done.

- They've cornered the market
for too long.

This is our time.

We're going to be rich.

- You stupid cow.

- Willie, just get the crates
side by side.

Just do it now.

- Listen, you,

I've done foolish things
in my life,

but I have never put anyone
in harm's way to make a profit.

And what you've done here...

You.

We go now,
with her or without her.

- We may as well get
what we came here for.

- Arthur,
have you lost your ba*ls?

- No, but look,
it's right here.

- Listen, if we go now,
we can still go unnoticed.

- Yeah, and empty-handed.

- You don't get it at all,
do you?

If we stay here,
we're as good as dead.

- He wasn't so hard, was he?

Come on.

We don't have all day.

- Not everyone
is the boss of me.

- Hey, come on.

Let's just get it over with.

Willie.

Willie!

- What now?

- Get the yokes out of the crate
and into the cage.

- I suppose
they're just gonna line up

and waltz in there
of their own accord.

- Hey, look at this.

- What are we supposed
to do with that?

- Put it in their mouths.

Stop 'em from biting us.

Look, we'll open up the crates.

When they jump out,
we'll shove this in their mouth.

Put 'em in the cage.

We'll fill up the cage,
anchor the cage to the boat,

drag 'em back to the mainland.

- Won't they drown?

[Laughter]

- Come on, boys.

There's nothing to worry about.

- You got it?

- Ready?
Careful.

- All right.

- What's happening?

- It's horrible.

- Arthur?

- There's a foot in here.

- Very bloody odd.

- A' foot.

- That's not gonna fetch
much at market,

is it Willie?

A' foot?

Bloody hell.

- Hmm.

[Loud crash]

- [Snarling]

- Hmph.

- [Roars]

- Get it off me!

- Darling.

- I got it!

- Get him off me!

[Screaming]

- Get him still!

- [Snarling]

- You okay?

- What's it bloody well
look like?

- [Laughs]

- What the bleeding hell
are you laughing at?

That thing nearly k*lled me.

- It called you darling,
did you hear that?

I think you've got a new friend
there, Willie.

- What if I got infected?

What if I'm...
what if I'm infected?

What if I turn into
one of those things?

- Come on, calm down.

It's just... let's have a look.

- Looky there.

- [Laughs]

- Oh, go on, laugh it up.

- Well, you know, it's pretty...

[wet thud]

- One, two, three,
four, and five.

I reckon that's five dead
I'm selling tonight.

- Go on, get out of it.

I blame all of this
on you, Arthur.

- Me?

No one dragged you here.

- You and that Fanny
have ruined me.

That bite has me all peculiar.

- Don't bring
poor old Fanny into it.

- What are we gonna do now?

- I have a backup plan.

- No.

No.

- Ha.

- Bugger this.

Excuse me, Mr. Murphy.

Perhaps we can come to
some sort of arrangement?

- I like the arrangement
we have now, Arthur Blake.

You tied to that cage,

as I strap it to me boat
and drag you along the seabed

for the journey home.

- I just thought you might need
an extra man

now that you're down Mr. Bulger
and all.

- I'd rather
sell your wet corpse.

- Arthur, you weasel.

- Just go along with me.

- A' rat leaving a sinking ship,
is it?

- That's the one.

- Very honorable.

Now, where was the honor
in trying to rob me of me loot

and going and k*lling
my good mate Bulger?

- Oh, well, it wasn't really the
intention, you see, Cornelius.

We was just trying
to make a few quid is all.

- Tell me, Mr. Blake,
do you like your trade?

- I suppose so.

It's a bit messy, isn't it?

- Well, let me tell you.

I love this trade, Mr. Blake.

And I come from
a very long line of ghouls.

So you see, I take a great deal
of pride in what I do.

So when a sleveen like yourself
comes along

and thinks he can cross me,

well, then,

that's when
I get angry, Mr. Blake.

And Grimes...

you should have known better.

- Whoa, now, Cornelius,
don't be like that.

I was just along
for the salt air.

- Valentine.

Why don't you show
'em your face.

[All screaming]

- Oh, Willie!

- [Roaring]

- [Screaming]

Willie! Willie!

- [Screaming]

- Let's go, let's go.

- [Screaming]

- Are you two gonna kiss
and make up?

'Cause I don't want
a ruckus in here,

not before midnight.

- What're you looking at?

- You was gonna turn your back
on old Willie.

- No, I was just saying that.

I had a plan.

- A' plan.

You was all set to join
the House of Murphy

and forget about me.

Me, who taught you everything.

- Well, I had to say something.

What do you want from me?

- Very, very disappointed
in you, Arthur.

- Oh, you're disappointed?

- Yeah.
- Well, likewise.

And what about poor old Fanny?

- Hmph, Fanny.

[Chuckles]

That daft cow.

She got what she deserved.

- Is that all you can say?

- Well, it was all her idea.

Or was it?

- You know, she always said
you were a coward.

She said I should go it alone.

- Well, you are
going it alone, mate.

Enough is enough.

- Fine.

- Great, good riddance.

- Fine, then.

You know, I'll probably do a lot
better on my own, I think.

- Fine.
- Get out!

- Fine.
- Get out.

- Fine.

- Good night, sir.

- Get the f*ck out of my bar.

- And that's how me and Willie
left it,

arguing like a pair
of old women.

What a way to end
one of the great friendships.

A' week went by, here I am.

- But you k*lled
Cornelius Murphy?

- Not my style, Father.

- Well, then it was Grimes
that struck him down.

- It was Fanny
that did the k*lling.

We just left Cornelius
and Valentine to it.

- So you just left him to die?

- Oh, aye.

Now here I am, an innocent man
waiting for the guillotine.

- Oh, none of us is innocent,
Mr. Blake.

And I've listened to your tales,
and you're...

you're far from innocent.

In fact, I think the guillotine
is too good for you.

Grimes was lucky
to have avoided me.

- Well...

it's very nice to make your
acquaintance, Mr. Murphy.

You must be a little
disappointed in your son.

All that training,

and he gets struck down
by two commoners

like Grimes and myself.

- You're not common, Mr. Blake.

In fact, you're quite rare.

It's not every day
you meet someone

who's about to spend
the rest of their days in agony.

- You best hurry up so.

I'll be under the blade
in a few minutes.

- No.

You won't be seeing
the guillotine.

You're not as lucky
as your friend.

I've made other arrangements
for you.

You little b*stard.

You do not disrespect
the House of Murphy.

Do you hear me?

You little b*stard!

This is how it ends,
Arthur Blake.

You pup.

You little pup.

This is how it ends for you.

I'll open you!

- Do it, then.

Do it!

Your son was an awful prick.

A' prick.

- You little b*stard.

You little b*stard!

- Oy!

- Willie.
- Arthur.

- You're undead.

- That bite on the island
has me all supernatural.

It took me ages to find me head.

It's a...
it's a bit disconcerting.

- Well, I thought
he had me there.

- Oh, he cut you up
something horrible.

- Well, it's great to see you.

I thought you were
sick of the sight of me.

- Ah, no bother.

- You look like shite, Willie.

- Oh.

Well, it's a good thing
I went first,

or else you'd be a dead man.

- There you go.

- Ah, here we are.

- Oh, that's one I owe you.

- [Laughing]

Fancy him, coming after us.

- Yeah, I know.

Said he was a priest.

Had me going there for a while.

Mad b*stard.

- Well, he'd fetch us
a few quid, you reckon?

- Let's get out of here.

Ooh.

Hey, that's mad,
you being undead.

- Oh, uh, are you any good
at sewing?

Ha.

- So you're like a cat, then?

Nine lives.

- Oh, I figure it will
keep on happening.

But here's what we should do.

We should go down
to Langols Island

and find one of them yokes

and have it take a little nibble
out of you.

- No, thanks.

- Oh, it's the best thing
that ever happened...

- Whoa.

- You okay?

I tell you what,
I'll think about it.

Hey, you're not gonna get all
cannibalistic on me, are you?

- Ah, no.

It's the best thing
that ever happened to me.

Mind you...

I am feeling a bit peckish.

- I'll take you down
to The Fortune,

get you some supper.

- Oh, it's a different kind
of hunger, Arthur.

- Oh, aye?

- I'm ravenous, Arthur.

- Me?

- Give us a nibble.

- No, no,
get away from me.

Don't come near me.

- [Laughing]

- [Screams]

{{{ the end }}}