k*ll List (2011)

[bunniefuu]

It is all gone!

Well, how can it possibly
be f*cking gone?

There was 40 grand in there.

Yeah, eight months ago
there was 40 grand in there.

Eight months! How many
f*cking scatter cushions do you need?

Don't talk to me like I'm a c**t!

Baby? Are you all right?

It doesn't make sense.

I know!

You haven't worked
a single day for eight months.

Take the money for the Jacuzzi
out of the holiday dough.

I can't have it out of action
cos it's for my back.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

Wake up, Jay!
There's no f*cking holiday money!

And there is nothing wrong
with your back!

It's all in your f*cking head.

f*ck. f*cking...

Jay!

Jay!

Jay!

Jay!

24 tins of tuna?

Yeah, they were doing a deal.

Can you stop spinning?
You're doing my head in.

You should've
done me a list then.

I did! It was on the fridge,
you left it!

10 bottles of wine?

You invited 'em.

What do you want to drink, Shel?
Herbal tea?

Oh, look, it says toilet roll
and it's underlined twice.

Oh, 197 pounds. And, no, you didn't
get any toilet roll, did you,

Just, you know,
loads of bottles of wine.

- That's good, Jay.
- I'll pop round the newsagents.

They'll have it, won't they?

You're in serious danger of
turning into a miserable cow, Shel.

I'm not going to sit here and have you
glaring at me for another half hour.

Sam? Sammy?

Babe, he's got loads of stuff.

- He doesn't need any more.
- It was four and a half quid, you wally.

He's got loads.

- En guard!
- Cool.

Daddy's promised
to do bedtime stories tonight.

Yeah, we can do that, mate.

Get him! Come on, Sam!

There were once these two brave
and honourable soldiers,

and they were in charge
of guarding a man in a car.

I want a story about king Arthur.

- My story is better.
- No, it isn't.

Are you listening, cos you can go
straight to sleep without one?

What kind of car?

A b*llet-proof one.

They were driving around this city,
you see.

What city?

Bagdadistan.

So there were these insurgents
and they made a b*mb

and it blew up the Humvee
in front of the column.

It's not real though, is it?

No, not any more, no.

You shouldn't shout at Mummy.

Well, she started it, mate.

You are a bit lazy though.

- Who says?
- Mummy.

Does she now?

And me.

Do it, Daddy.

OK.

One, two, three...

Abracadabra.

Hi, how're you doing?

You're looking gorgeous as usual...
Ahh... please God

It's so good to see you. Hi.

- Fiona.
- Come on in.

- You?
- Yeah.

Canny wee tipple... your favourite?

Is that you?

Swedish National service.

I didn't know they
made girls do that!

Oh, they don't!
They don't, I wanted to do it.

Why should the boys
get to have all the fun, eh?

Here you both are...

- What uniform is that?
- Security assignment.

Is it dangerous?

In danger of getting your knickers
ripped off later, big girl.

The money's good.

The money's really good, Jay.

I can't.

Here.

Try one of these.
Blow your f*cking head off.

I'm not eating anything red
at the moment.

Does Shel know?

What, about the diet?

No, about the job.

Might have mentioned
something in passing.

No wonder she's been on my
f*cking back. Don't do that, Gal.

I wish someone would f*cking clarify
the chain of command here.

Who's wagging the dog?

Jay! Jay!

Coming.

That's cleared that up.

f*ck off.

We are done. Bon Appetit.
Tuck in, everyone.

- Well done.
- Thank you.

This is beautiful.

Thank you. It's not my worst.

Army and Navy.

Gravy?

Your track record's good.

Dig in.

And now... Cheers and welcome.

Yeah, cheers. Here's to you.

- Lots of love.
- Cheers.

Thank you, thank you...

Is there anything here
that you want, Fiona?

- I'm really happy.
- You sure?

What are these
little chef's hats about?

I just thought... you could
pick them up with your fingers.

They're little Swedish chefs.

Who is gonna say Grace,
are you going to say Grace?

Oh, Stop.

- Not at my table.
- No?

No, no.

I could do it in Irish for you.

So what-what sort of...

Do you just sell anything?
I don't...

No, it's kind of...

No, it's mainly...
sort of IT stuff and, you know.

It's commercial sales.

It's not like knocking
on doors and, you know.

With a suitcase.

Yeah, it's not flannels and tea towels.

I know you would assume that
from Gal's accent, but...

It was all right, kinda,
when I was younger and stuff

and when we first
come out of the army.

But it's not, you know...
As Sam is getting older and stuff.

It's sort of difficult for him.

He wants his dad, you know.

So, you have to deal with that
while I am away, don't you?

I think it's hard on us.

Three months starts pushing it
we used to say.

- Three months?
- Sometimes, yeah.

- Wow.
- Bit like being a single mum.

- Can I just nip to the loo please?
- Course.

- It's just round the corner.
- OK, thanks.

The lock's not great,
but we know you are in there,

so I don't think Sam will get
the shock of his life.

- Top up?
- Oh, yeah.

I'll get it. I'll get
it sit down, sit down.

Sure?

- Old world, new world?
- Whatever you fancy, darling.

Whatever, mate.

Christ. You need a circular saw
to get through this meat.

Because you took the entire rack.

- I thought...
- I'd cut them all up, hadn't I?

I thought there was three big ones.

You could've said to me, darling.

Do you know what, unlike you,

I didn't want to embarrass you
in front of everyone.

As for this, what's all this game?

We've got every dinner set
and bit of cutlery known to man.

You've served the gravy
in a f*cking Pyrex.

What's that about?
It's like a chemistry set.

Is that all right?

Yeah, that's my favourite.

So, what do you do, Fiona?

Human resources

Hatchet man.

Sorry. Hatchet person.

What is it?
I mean what does that entail?

If there is a department
that is under-performing then...

I go in and assess
the extraneous manpower

and de-force accordingly...
I'm waiting for a comment!

I know there is one coming.

You sort of sack people?

It's not personal.

It is probably personal to them...

and their families.

When was the last time you cared
about the welfare of a family?

Oh, yeah I know, eight months ago.

There's a bigger picture
in the business world.

Your picture doesn't stretch any further
than your front door, does it mate?

You mean the Jacuzzi.

I think the 80's recession
was a lot more glamorous.

No this is, this is much worse.
There's a lot of dirty work to be done.

I'll tell you one lot
who had no time for extraneous.

The Nazis.

Here we go.

I just wish
I could have had a go at them.

Difficult for a man to know
where he stands these days.

You should've had a crack
at the Mick, mate.

A tour of duty in Belfast
would've done you the world of good.

I've never understood
the whole Irish thing.

Cos, I mean,
it's all the same religion, so...

Not really, love.

They're all Christian.

That's true.

That's debatable.

What do I get? f*cking Iraq!

Iraq's over. What
about now, eh?

Yeah?

I've finished.

Abracadabra!

That's my f*cking pal,
in front of my f*cking pal.

That's not just
your f*cking pal.

It's not just your f*cking pal.

It's not just your
f*cking house, Jay!

Come on, mate,
let's get you to bed.

Don't you pay any attention to them,
they're just over excited.

Why?

Because they've been drinking,
all right?

Don't you ever drink, do you hear me?

- Promise?
- Not even water?

Especially not that sh*t.

Do you know the government puts
stuff in it that shrinks your ba*ls!

But you fall out
with people, don't you?

You fall out with your mates, but then
you become friends again, don't you?

That's just what mummys
and daddys do sometimes.

That's why they're mummys and daddys
because they're best friends, you know?

Sometimes they fight,
sometimes they argue.

You know...

But it doesn't mean anything.

So, don't be worrying, all right?

Good lad.

Sorry.

No. Don't be silly.

How old's your boy?

Sammy is seven.

You?

No. I never wanted any.

You'll change your mind.

No, I don't think so.

I love kids though...

He was the one, you know?

The love of your life?

No. The one who started it.

Knock. Knock.

Where?

Local, UK.

How many on the list?

Three. Not too strenuous.

How much?

Don't ask. Shel got it.

It's nice.

What do you think of Fiona?

Is she the one
you met at your sister's?

No, Boxercise

What?

Hey man, I tell ya,
a lot of fit women.

It relieves your sexual
tension as well.

f*ck's sake.

Hey, don't knock it
till you've tried, you.

She likes it rough then?

Wouldn't you like
to f*cking know?

I'm too old for that sh*t,
so are you.

Yeah? Speak for yourself, granddad.

- Kiev was...
- Yeah, yeah... I know.

Listen man,
that was eight months ago.

You've got to get back on the horse
again. Do you know what I mean?

It's all right, it's all right.

The old team back together again.
The two musketeers!

We gonna do it?

f*cking get rid of that.

Come on sweetheart.
Come on.

Are you OK? All right?

They'll never find that body!

You could put
almost anything in front of it.

It doesn't matter
how disgusting it is

as long as you put that after it,
you're safe...

Fritzl could have got away with it.

It's OK, cos I don't
have my gloves on.

Who'd have thunk it?

I was very sad last night

You came by, I was so glad

Though sadness covered
the smile I kept for you

I was waiting
for the cloud to pass over

Then I could show my love...

I'm really sorry.

You could have made me laugh
if you'd stayed

But you left

I was more confused
than I was before you came

I was frightened

Cheers! I'll call you, all right?

You're not driving, mate.

I am once I find
my f*cking keys.

Shel, call a cab.

I'm all right man,
dry your eyes for f*ck's sake.

I'll drop the car for you
in the morning.

The f*ck you will.

Why do you have
such a problem following orders?

Get your f*cking hands off.

Listen, don't go behind
my back to her again!

Get the f*ck off me, man!

You ripped my f*cking jeans,
you c**t!

That's that shirt f*cked.

Wha-hey, come on!

Thank f*ck that's over.

Babe?

Baby, come on back in,
it's getting cold.

Yeah, I'll be up in a minute.

Wake up.

Wake up.

Wake up.

Wake up.

Wake up.

Wake up.

No.

Not now!

Come here, I ain't gonna tickle you.

I got you now. There is no escaping!

I'm sorry about last night.

I was being an idiot.

Shel!

Shel!

Yep. No, that's no problem.
They'll be there.

Shel!

What?

Come out here!

What is it?

Come out here and I'll show you.

No, you come in here.

Shel. Come out here, you lazy bugger.

That's the last time.

It's an offering, not an insult.

No. She's taking the piss.

It's a cat, it can't take the piss.

What is it?

Oh no, Jay!

It's a rabbit.

Put it in the outside bin.

f*ck am I. I'll cook it up
with some onion and garlic.

Not in my kitchen!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, just get rid of it, babe.

Smell of that.

What's Daddy doing?

Daddy's showing off.

What's he eating?

He's eating a rabbit.

Where from?

From the cat.

Daddy thinks the cat
brings us little presents.

The cat thinks we don't
eat enough in this house.

I just think the cat
likes k*lling rabbits.

- Hey!
- Who goes there?

You all right?

It was a good one
last night, weren't it?

Eh?

A good one last night.

You reckon?

Yeah.

Nice food and all that.

It had its moments.

Where's Fiona? Off de-forcing?

f*ck knows.

What?

I think I was
a bit of a bad boy last night.

I woke up this morning
with a 'Dear John' taped to my c*ck.

You're joking.

No.

Oh, mate.

Get your sh*t together,
the client's expecting us.

I like this car.

Looks nice but it's a dog on corners.

Here - better safe than sorry.

It's a bit over the top
for a meeting, innit?

Do you know who's in there?

Cos I f*cking don't.

You come with recommendations.

They're well earned.

Good.

Necessary.

f*ck!

It's all right.

No, it's not.

I hear Kiev was stormy.

I'm in the process of rewriting it.

Good.

It's important to learn
from one's mistakes, I always find.

f*ck, that was dramatic.

I'm bleeding on the carpet.

None of them ever say
please or thank you.

That's what really f*ck me off.

I mean, good manners
cost nothing, sure it doesn't.

How did he know about Kiev?

He was just
letting you know that he knows.

What does that mean?

Psychology, isn't it.

f*cking hell.
Is that your w*nk*ng hand?

No.

Well, you know...

every cloud...

One of each?

Take 'em yeah.

They say that's quite good.

I need to stop
and get a bandage or something.

Got to get through reception
without them noticing.

It's f*cking swollen.

I'll walk on that side.

You stay on the left
and I'll walk on the right.

OK.

I could do with
clearing up the sink a little bit.

Leave that to me, I'll do it.

OK.

Did you take one of those
this morning, babe?

Yeah, that's all right,
it's like six a day or something.

Handsome.

You going to be all right?

See you soon.

Back in the house -
you'll get wet feet.

Go.

Bye.

I love this bit.

We're not going
to the f*cking seaside, Gal.

Thank you.

Can you put your PIN
in there, please?

Here on business?

- Crackers.
- Excuse me?

Novelty key rings. Paper hats.

Plastic fingernails. Doggy charms.

- They're my speciality.
- Sorry?

You wouldn't be, love, honestly.

You don't look like sales.

Have the rooms got free Wi-Fi?

No.

I'm afraid that card's been declined.
Let me just try that one more time.

Yeah, do.

I'll just ring for authorisation.

It's OK, I'll get it.

Don't worry about it,
I'll get it.

Hello, Shel?

Yeah, they just declined
my card at the hotel.

Yeah, they declined it.
No, there's no money in it.

One I look like a right mug, and two
it draws attention to me and Gal.

Straight away - who are these people
who can't afford to pay for the room.

- My name is Richard.
- Nice to meet you.

Friends call me d*ck.

I can't believe you haven't had
ten minutes to do it.

You could have done it on your phone.

The soap's nice.

Is it still in the wrapper?

Yeah.

Nice. I f*cking hate dirty soap.

So, what do you reckon?

Do the usual,
follow this guy around;

see what he gets up,
who he hangs out with?

What, do it properly, you mean?

Not just mow him down in a hail of
b*ll*ts like some Hackney crack head.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's 45 and lives
in 14 Coldwater Road.

If he's got a dog,
do we sh**t the dog too?

Yeah, well...

Dogs are ten a penny,
aren't they?

I just wanted to say 'thank you'
to Justin.

His teachings have helped me put
everything in perspective.

I haven't had an anxiety attack
in three weeks.

Don't listen to them.

It's like a f*cking worm
boring through my skull.

It's like a graveyard and they still
f*cking plod up next to us.

You could intersect
with the group

when I saw you having trouble
rationalizing your emotional response

to Duncan's departure.

I can't wait to see him rationalise
your emotional response.

Don't.

- I'm gonna k*ll 'em, Gal.
- Don't k*ll 'em, mate.

I am, I'm gonna m*ssacre
that table of people now.

In a hotel.

I ain't gonna sh**t 'em, Gal.

I'm going to do 'em one at a time
and do 'em slow.

- With a butter knife?
- Yeah.

We should have a song.
We should have a song.

A song...
OK, shall I get the old guitar?

Yeah, go on then.

Oh f*ck, here we go.

You're expecting Jeremy Beadle,
aren't you?

But he's dead,
he can't help you!

He's not going to
play that guitar, is he?

Onward, Christian soldiers

Marching as to w*r

With the cross of Jesus

Going on before...

even know this one.

At the sign of triumph...

Look at 'em,
f*cking happy b*stards.

On then, Christian soldiers,
on to...

You're giving me indigestion.

Oh, sorry.

Apology accepted.

Sometimes God's love
can be hard to swallow.

Not as hard as a dinner plate.

God loves you.

Does he?
Well, tell God from me...

If you're the kind of people he
hangs about with, stay out of my way.

No more guitar mate,
not in restaurants.

There is a time and a place.

And your time and place
is in a very isolated location

where no one is likely to be
for about a f*cking hundred years.

OK?

Cos Jimmy Hendrix you ain't.

Very sorry about my friend, please
accept my most humble apologies.

And if you are speaking to the big man,
put a word in for us, will you?

Get them all a drink, love.

Double orange juices all round.

It don't look like the house
of a major villain, does it?

Oh, for f*ck's sake,
a f*cking priest! Brilliant!

You'll enjoy this one, Gal.

Yeah well, at least
it's not a toddler.

What's he got there?

Oh, a new brief case.

You're worried.

Maybe.

He's probably shagging kids.

Might get you a pass on all the other
terrible sh*t you've done.

It's complicated.

As a parent I'd do them all,
even if I weren't getting paid.

Just for the record,
I've hardly done any terrible sh*t.

Turn round.

Thank you.

Why do you think he had that smile
on his face?

Probably at peace, you know.

Don't know how much at peace I'd feel

if I was getting a b*llet
in the back of my head.

Can you see me, yeah?

Yeah, sorry I just woke up.

- Sorry.
- No, it's fine!

It's just...
Sam was up in the night!

- Is he all right?
- Oh yeah, he's fine.

Bad dreams about the cat.

How's your room?
I couldn't tell when I booked.

Yeah, it's all right.

- On schedule?
- One down.

- Clean?
- Yeah, course.

Don't worry, I'm all right.

Babe, Fiona came round.

With a present for Sam.

That's a bit weird.

I didn't like her at first,
but I don't mind her now.

What do you think?

You could do with the company.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Don't let her
anywhere near the garage.

I'm not an idiot.

I've got to go.
Sam's calling, all right?

- Do you miss me?
- Of course I do.

Always.

Love you.

Looks like nothing this bloke.

They all look
like nothing, Gal.

He does look like my
uncle Terry though.

Uncle Terry, that's a new one.

He wasn't a special uncle,
he actually was my uncle.

Right.

Yeah, he was a c**t.

He wasn't one of the people
your old man took money off of

to be your special uncle?

Oh, come on now.
It's a family do.

Have you spoken to Fiona?

No.

She's been round at the house,
talking to Shel.

Really? That's interesting.

Yeah...

Says she's waiting.

What, for me?

Well yeah, I'd imagine so.

I'll leave her dangling a bit longer.

Do you know what I mean,
keep 'em keen, eh?

Gal, give her a ring.
I don't want some...

glary eyed phantom kipping
in my front room when I get home.

Don't you dare
talk about my Fiona like that.

She's a good looking girl.

She's a bit of a f*cking demon
in bed as well, I tell you.

- Yeah?
- Oh!

f*cking hell!

- Details?
- You know...

Put it this way, I had to shave
my pubes afterwards.

Gal?

What, are we off?

Right, we'll go and see
what is in that lock-up first.

Really?

I thought we were
just going to observe?

No, we are going to go
and have a look, mate.

Lovely... it's a wank den.

You don't get shot
for having a wank den.

Porn business?

There's not enough of it.

No, you're right.

f*ck.

- Uh.
- What?

You don't want to f*cking look
at that boy, I'll tell you.

Well, I've got to now, haven't I?

f*cking hell, mate.

Help. Help!

There's been a mistake.

Oh, yeah?

Mistaken identity.

Just remembered we're your burglars?

Really?

If you are, take what you want.

I could do with some reassurance

that the world's
not full of murdering perverts.

We saw the lock-up.

- Christ.
- Yeah.

It's game on, big lad.

Yeah, don't bother. f*cking freak!

Listen mate...

I've seen your wee film.

I'm just the librarian.

Who for?

This is not fair.

I'll show you "not fair".

Please.

Don't. Because it makes me
hate you more, yeah?

Who films it?

I can't tell you that.

He lives at Greenwold Street.

15 Greenwold Street.

Where do you keep your money?

- In the safe.
- Which room?

Top of the stairs on the right.

Does he know?

What?

Who you are.

He doesn't, does he?

What the f*ck are you talking about?

Before he comes back...

I just want to say...

thank you.

For what?

I'm glad to have met you.

Nice.

I understand.

You have to do
what you have to do.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You crazy f*cking b*stard.

Oh, f*ck!

You can clean this f*cking mess
up yourself, you know that?

Fine.

I'm getting a f*cking bag.

Let's nip round to that house
on Greenwold Street.

f*ck that, you need
a long lie down, big lad.

I'm going to Greenwold Street
right f*cking now.

What the f*ck is Shel gonna say?

Then don't f*cking tell her then.

f*ck!

You're well off list here, man.

Right! Don't hang about.

If I'm not back in twenty minutes,
come and get me.

Don't you worry, I will.

f*cking first job in months and he's
gone off again, for f*ck's sake.

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

Jesus Christ.

Was that twenty minutes?

Let's get the f*ck out of here.

What the f*ck are we
going to do with him now?

Brilliant. f*cking brilliant.

You're covered in blood.

I'll burn 'em.

They say the sign of a
good painter and decorator?

What?

Clean overalls. No bodging.

Point taken.

It doesn't feel wrong.

They were bad people.

They should suffer.

I used to love looking at
tires when I was a kid.

Hi babe, I wasn't
expecting you back...

- We haven't got any food.
- That's all right we'll go out.

Erm, it's a school night.

I just want to see Sammy, yeah?

No, he's on a play date, babe.
Can we talk about this later?

Hi Jay, you back?

We've just had a glass of wine.

Yeah, and a moan.

- Do you want to join us?
- Er...

Yeah... I should get me...
all my bits and bobs.

I should go.

Oh no, don't be silly.
You were here first.

No, stay. It's all right isn't it?

Yeah.

Shel!

Jesus, Jay!

Oh, God!

It's infected, babe.
You've got to go see a doctor.

I'm not going.

No...

I'll get some cream or something.

Would you say
you were suffering from stress?

Yes.

Do you experience fatigue? Nausea?

Erm... Yes. No.

Why do you think that is?

Any particular reason?

No.

Professionally...

Some financial stuff.

I've got a family.

Now what about your sex life,
how's that?

Normal?

Listen, my wife said I had to come,
so you could look at my hand and...

You're fine!

Yeah, but my hand isn't.
Do you want to have a look at it?

Better still, I can
give you some advice.

What happened to Dr Bapkin?

The past is gone.

The future

is not yet here.

There is only ever this moment.

Jay!

Jay!

Jay!

Bloody...

Kids maybe?

Maybe gypsies.

You all right, sweetheart?

Someone's m*rder*d the cat.

f*cking loved that cat.

Didn't know.

No, neither did I till it happened.

- Look...
- What?

It's a message, isn't it?

Yeah, received loud and clear.

We lifted enough money the other night,
we could sack half this job off, man.

What?

There's pictures of us
outside the priest's house, Jay.

They've got a file on f*cking Kiev.

Where the f*ck
did they get that from?

So f*cking what?

Listen man,
let's just knock it on the head.

It's not doing your head any good and it's
f*cking not doing mine any good either.

Yeah, I think you are right,
we should just give up.

We should let things like this happen
and not do f*ck all about it.

We're doing a f*cking job, man.
It's not a crusade, all right?

Right! Then you don't bother,

but when I start something,
I f*cking finish it, Gal.

Yeah I know, I know.

I've been standing around watching
how you f*cking finish it.

You're arsehole's gone, mate.

Listen man.

I can't f*cking work
with you any more

if you're going to go
f*cking over the top

every time you get a f*cking
lump hammer in your hand.

Oh, I'm sorry, Gal.

I'm really sorry, mate.
I'm so sorry.

I'm really sorry.

- More?
- Listen, man!

You're going in there
like a f*cking psycho on crack,

what the f*ck's going on?

Wait until you see me
after this sh*t.

Brilliant!

I'm going to go and bury my f*cking cat
and you f*ck off out of my gaff.

- There, that's me done.
- What?

- Listen, I can't do this any more.
- No, no, Gal please? Please.

He needs to get help.

- I know.
- All right, listen. Don't cry.

- Don't cry.
- Thank you.

Don't cry, please don't cry.

I'll call you.

We'll chat your mum up.

Get a puppy.

- OK.
- Yeah?

Has she gone to heaven?

I dunno, mate. Maybe.

Cat heaven.

You wanna talk to your uncle Gal
really about that side of things.

Come here.

Where have you been?

We went for a walk to look for foxes,
didn't we, mate?

- Dad said I could have a puppy.
- Did he?

Yeah, we're going to call it Arthur.

What if it's a girl?

Gwinny.

Hey you, young man, why don't you go
upstairs, get out of those dirties,

and we'll have a bath
in a minute, yeah?

OK.

I don't want to talk about it.

Really? He's ready to walk.

Good! He's gone soft.

Wake up.
You wake up, f*cking wake up!

Do you think if you get replacements
they'll let you go free of the contract?

Is that what you want?

It doesn't look good,
but if we're compromised here...

We can get you top draw replacements.
They even look like us.

- It is your job.
- What if we say...

f*ck you very much and good night?

Then you die.
And your families, they die.

No wriggle room on that then?

No.

How long have we been working for you?

Please, don't embarrass yourself.

I'm asking you a straight question.

I see you, what you are.

What are we?

You're cogs.
What?

What the f*ck is this?

Reconstruction.

So, keep turning.

What do you mean by f*cking
reconstruction?

f*ck off man...
Get your hands off me.

- What's this?
- I'm leaving.

What?

I'm taking Sam to the cottage,
just until the job's over.

You know you're in serious danger
of losing this.

Is that what you want?

No.

- Be good for mummy yeah?
- Yes.

OK, watch your head, watch your head.

Turns out he's an MP.

Is that more acceptable
than a priest?

I can't say I'm not relieved.

Well, his name's on the list.

- That's all that matters.
- OK.

You sure?

You don't want to go and have
a little cry about it to Shel?

I might do if I could find her.

She's gone on holiday.

That's funny, she never
mentioned anything to me.

That's funny. I don't really understand
why you're calling my f*cking wife, mate,

I'll be honest with you.

Right, you're her husband, aren't you?

Yeah, leave this now, Gal.

No.

You shouldn't f*cking treat
your wife like a doormat.

- All right. Thanks.
- Know what I mean?

She's a lovely wee woman,
and you treat her like a f*cking mug.

All your relationships
have been so very successful, Gal,

so thanks very much for your advice,
you c**t.

Oi! What the f*ck was that?
f*cking...

Not in the face, f*ck!

Not in the f*cking face.

I'm telling Shel you started it.

She thinks I'm a saint.

She doesn't know you.

I'll go get a new one.
She won't even notice.

She notices everything.

I can't get that Fiona
out of my head, you know.

Really?

Yeah, I think it might be love.

You don't really know her, Gal.

Yeah well, you know.

These things happen
like that some times.

She gaffer-taped your c*ck.

I'm putting that down
as an erotic cry for help.

I can't remember
what I was like before Shel.

Probably a lonely f*ck, like me.

They say there's someone
for everyone, mate.

Yeah, it's not much to ask, is it?

Right, let's go and k*ll this MP then.

Yeah.

- Got it?
- Yeah.

- Did you hear that?
- What?

- Chopper?
- Don't know.

The air's good.

Yeah, we should do this more often.

What, k*ll rich people?

No, get out in the fresh air.

Dinner's on me.

Do you want a cup of tea?

Yeah, lovely.

We'll go down and have a look
at his gaff tomorrow.

What's the plan?

I can't be bothered
with anything flash.

So we're not just gonna
drag him down to the village square

and chop his head off
with a f*cking axe?

Eh?

Leave it till two or three, then.

Let's go down and get an idea
of the layout of the house.

You look right at home.

The two musketeers, eh?

Oh Mr Bunny, it's gonna get cold

I'm taking your coat off your back

Hey Mr Bunny, what do you think?

What do you think about that?

That's not right.

What?

One man living in all that.

None of it's right, Gal.

That's why we're here.

Come on, let's bed down.

He's probably f*cking the
scullery maid anyway.

Gal.

Gal.

You awake?

Well, I wasn't, but I am now.

What?

I'm...

really sorry about that stuff.

Yeah, I know.

I don't know where it comes from.

Listen, you're a f*cking madman,

but you're my best mate
and I love you, so...

Let's just leave it at that, eh?

Cheers.

Gal?

- Gal?
- What?

What the f*ck? What?

Get your sh*t together - lively.

There's too many of them, man. Don't!

f*ck this.

Jay!

f*ck it, come on.

Are you sure
you know where we are?

Yeah, yeah, I am.

What's wrong?

Come on.

f*ck! It's been bricked up.

It wasn't supposed to be here...

I thought you'd
f*cking scouted!

It wasn't supposed to be here, man.

They are coming
from the other way, Gal.

Jay!

Jesus Christ.

Jay?

Jay?

Gal?

Gal?

C'mon mate. Jesus,
let's get you out of here mate.

I can't move mate,
they've slashed...

They've slashed my f*cking legs.

We've got to go.

Come on, please get up.

I'm done, mate.

f*ck.

Gal, we've got to, mate.

Tell Shel I'm sorry, will you?

Just do it, do it.

I'm sorry.

Thanks.

It's all over.

Can we go home now?

Is he sick?

Tired, very tired.

Shall we take you back to bed?

Get down.

Make sure Sam is all right
and turn the lights off upstairs.

- Let's leave, babe.
- No, we can't go anywhere.

They've slashed the f*cking tyres.

What the f*ck is that?

It's too noisy!

Just fireworks.

I don't think there are many of them...

Listen, I'm going out there
to find them, yeah? Take that.

I love you, yeah.

Come here, you devils.