01x02 - Mortal Vibes Only

[bunniefuu]

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

[♪ music concludes]

Okay, Woogle,
send a message to Alex.

- [wand chimes]
- Hey, Alex.

Don't worry, I'm not in trouble.

Actually, I've been
at your brother's house for 12 hours

and I haven't screwed up
bad enough to get kicked out yet.

Granted, nine of those hours
I was sleeping,

but still, a win's a win.

[sighs] I really wanna stay here,

so I'm gonna be
the best guest ever.

I'm gonna do nice stuff
and pitch in.

I don't wanna jinx it,

but I think this is
gonna work out.

Then again,
I did fail my jinx final,

so scratch that last part.

And send.

Let's see. Nice stuff.

What's nice?

Ooh! I got it. A houseplant.

Mm. No one notices a houseplant.

Ooh! I know.

Too nice.
That'll get him arrested.

[sighs]

I'm overthinking.
I'll just keep it simple.

Make him a nice breakfast.

[eggs sizzling]

[whispering] Billie!

Aw! Are you making me eggs?

Well, they certainly don't
make themselves.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

[knock on door]

[Billie gasps]

An egg was scrambling itself
on my stove.

Did you want sunny side up?

You, lair, now.

You were using magic.

Isn't that why Alex
brought me here?

So you could train me
to control my magic?

Yeah, in the lair.
Giada almost saw.

My wife,
she's an investigative reporter.

She asks questions for a living.

And I do not want her knowing
about my wizard past.

Okay, so, so, so
in here, wizard.

Out there, mortal. Do we got it?

No problem, I can act
like a mortal teenager.

I'm literally starving.
Get out of my room.

Where even is my charger?

Wow, you nailed that.

[♪ theme song playing]

♪ Everything is not
what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have
what you want ♪

♪ By the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess
with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything
is not what it seems ♪

♪ You might run into trouble
if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything
is not what it seems ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

- ♪ What it seems ♪
- [♪ theme song ends]

- Morning, Giada.
- Hey, Billie. How'd you sleep?

Great.
Comfy mattress, cozy blanket,

no dragon screeching
at 6:00 a.m.

Dragon?

She's joking.
[chuckles nervously] It's a joke.

Right, a joke. [chuckles]

I was joking.

Hey, Dad,
so it's new comic book day,

and Milo and I were taking stock
of our finances.

Turns out we don't have any.

Dad, it occurred to us,

we haven't been paid allowance
in two weeks.

Oh. Is that right?
Hey, Giada, question for you.

When's the last time the boys
washed the dishes?

You know,
I think it was two weeks ago.

Which, if I'm not mistaken,

is also the last time
they cleaned their bathroom.

[spits]

That bathroom
hasn't been cleaned in two weeks?

I don't wear shoes in there.

Whoa, hold on.

You guys aren't
paying us allowance

because we didn't do chores?

Yeah, that's how allowance works.

Grandma gives me money
for being cute. Just saying.

If you want your allowance,
you have to do your chores.

Okay, but that's gonna take forever.

- I can help.
- Really?

Yeah, I live here now.
I can pitch in.

Billie, that is so sweet.
She's been here two days, boys.

Two days and she's already my favorite.

- But I'm the favorite!
- But I'm the favorite!

- Wait a minute.
- Wait a minute.

All right,
let's do these chores.

How can I help?

Let's see, how could a wizard help
with chores?

Oh, here's an idea.

You could cast a spell
that does our chores for us.

I thought you didn't like her doing magic.

Milo, we have two weeks
of chores to do.

I'd let her conjure another floogie

if it would clean our room for us.

Sorry, I can't use magic.

What? Why?
Did you lose your wand?

No, I still have my wand.

Then use it.

I'm not cleaning that bathroom.
Milo has terrible aim.

What can I say?
It's my one flaw.

I told you, I can't use magic.

- I get it, she doesn't know how.
- I know how!

Yesterday you were all,
"I'm a powerful wizard!"

- I am a powerful wizard!
- And today you're like,

-"I don't know the spells to do chores."
- I know the spells.

I just promised your dad
I wouldn't use magic, okay?

Our dad?

Not because he's a wizard,

if that's what you were thinking.

- I wasn't. But I am now!
- Dad's a wizard?

We gotta go talk to him about this!

No, you can't!

- I wasn't supposed to tell you.
- Dad!

End whisper chant
with pure devotion,

bound by magic trapped
in slow motion.

- [distorted] Don't...
- I gotta find a way to fix this.

Hurry up, spit it out!

I'm just playing, I know you
in slow motion. I'll be right back.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing,
concluding]

Hey, Justin,
I've been thinking about Billie.

What about Billie? Like about
how she's such a neat kid

for offering to do chores?
What a superstar, am I right?

It's just, she's...
she's living with us now,

and I really don't know
anything about her.

I'm gonna go talk to her,
ask her some follow-up questions.

Follow-up questions? No, wait!

She's in there doing chores,
don't bother her, you know?

Maybe ask me, maybe...
maybe I know.

Okay, um, where's she from?

Oh, she's from Wiz... consin.

Wisconsin!

Okay, and what's she into?
Is she into music? Sports?

Sports. Yep, sports.

- Yeah. So what's her favorite team?
- Uh...

You know, probably, uh... the Wizards.

- That's weird.
- Is it? Why?

Well, she's from Wisconsin.
You'd think it'd be the Bucks.

You'd think that, yeah, right?
You'd totally think that.

Well, nothing I can do about it now.

So, basketball,
that... that can't be all.

You know, look,
I'm just gonna go talk to her.

Of course that's not all, Giada.

She also loves to do spell...

...ing bees. Spelling bees.

And... And...
And the musical, The Wiz.

And she loves her wand--

...a Sykes.

Yep, big fan of Wanda Sykes.

Sports, comedy, arts,
and academics.

Sounds like a well-rounded,
interesting character to me.

So, does that answer
all your questions?

I guess?

[sighs in relief]

I cannot believe I made up
that whole backstory

like right off the top of my head.

[exhales deeply]

Should I do improv?
No, that's ridiculous.

I should teach improv.

[sighs] Gotta find a way

to make the boys forget
what I told them.

Oh! They got Wizardpedia.

Welcome to Wizardpedia,

the all-knowing
wizard encyclopedia.

I need an erasing spell,
not because I messed up,

but I will be clearing
the search history.

I've got an erasing potion!

- Perfect!
- Section one, history. [clears throat]

The first recorded use
of an erasing potion was--

No time.

- In many cultures--
- No time!

Well, I do have a formula,

but I don't suppose
you have the time for that.

Quit playing, Wizardpedia.

[chuckles] Very well.

Two parts moonlight,
one part dragon scale,

and a pinch of shadow mist.

Now, gently,
very gently mix the--

Oh! Oh!

Or just do that. What do I know?

I'm only
the collective knowledge

of thousands
of years of wizardry.

Now, all I gotta do is splash the guys
and their memories will be erased.

Wait, you want to erase their memory?

Oh, boy.

[♪ upbeat instrumental music playing]

[♪ music concludes]

Hey, Billie.
You settling in okay?

Me? Yup. Settling in great.
Well, good talking to you.

Hold on a second.

I think we should talk
about this whole Wizards thing.

What? How do you know about that?

Justin told me.

Justin told you about wizards?

Yeah. And, you know,
it's not a big deal.

But I just-- I wouldn't
go around telling everybody.

I wouldn't. I would never.

'Cause, you know,
you're living in Staten Island now,

so your choices
are really only the Knicks or the Nets.

The what and the heh?

Basketball? Justin said the Wizards
are your favorite team.

Right! The Wizards.
Go basketball! See ya.

"Go basketball"?

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

- [distorted] Don't...
- [♪ music concludes]

Slow no more, swift restored,
back to full speed, I implore!

...you dare cast a spell on us,

is what I was gonna say
before you cast a spell on us.

I can't believe Dad's
a wizard! Dad!

You can't tell him
that I told you.

This isn't the kind of information
you just, like, forget.

It is now. In a second,
you'll forget everything.

Why'd you do that?

- What is this?
- Erasing potion.

- Give me that.
- [crashes]

Please tell me you know a spell
for a new pair of chinos.

[Milo] It didn't work.
I still know Dad's a wizard.

Something got erased.
Milo, your top half is gone.

[Milo] Roman, your bottom half is gone.

Billie, you didn't erase
our memories, you erased us!

Any chance I erased me?

- No!
- Dang it!

[♪ upbeat rock music playing,
concluding]

[Milo] This is a nightmare,
Monday's picture day!

- I can fix this.
- Are you crazy?

You're the one who did it!

In my defense, I was looking
for an erasing potion,

not an erasing potion!

Oh, I see where the mix-up happened.

Dad's a wizard,
he can fix this.

No, please,
don't tell your dad.

Why not?

Come on, Milo.

I don't wanna
get kicked out, okay?

[Milo] Kicked out?

It's happened
at every other place I live.

I mess up, and I get kicked out.

- My dad wouldn't do that.
- Really?

What would you do if the kid you took in
blew your biggest secret

and turned your sons
half invisible?

[Milo] If it makes you feel any better,

I like to think of us
as half visible.

Please, you can't tell.

I have nowhere else to go,
just let me fix this.

Okay, fine, but you owe me.

In addition to the legs
you already owe me.

- Thank you.
- [Giada] Hey, guys.

It's your mom. Hide!

Hey, Giada, nothing to see here.

I mean everything to see here

because it's all here,
and you can see it.

Good to know.

Roman, if you see your father,
tell him I'm in the garage.

And don't forget
to do the dishes.

[Milo] I'm on it, Mom.

Was that Milo?

Uh, yeah, you just missed him.

He ran upstairs
to go clean the... shower.

[scoffs] Clean the shower?

Billie, you are such
a good influence.

[scoffs] You might wanna wait

till you get all the facts
on that one, Mom.

[Milo] Phew!
Thought we were busted for sure.

- [Justin] Giada?
- We still might be.

Hey, Justin, Giada wanted us
to tell you she's in the garage.

The garage?

Okay, I'll be back.

And Milo, how many times
do I gotta tell you?

Figure out what you want
before you open up the fridge.

[Milo] I did, string cheese.

That's what my fully visible
top half is looking for.

Well, save some for me,

'cause my fully visible top half
will want some later.

- [door opens, closes]
- [sighs] Okay.

Time to un-disappear you.

Where's my wand?

It was in my hand
when you spilled the--

Oh, no. My wand's invisible!

Okay, well, we have to find it!

- [Milo] I found it!
- My wand?

[Milo] No. The string cheese.

Now, I just gotta find my mouth.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

[♪ music concludes]

Giada? You in here?

Hello, Justin.
Please, have a seat.

After our earlier conversation
about Billie,

I couldn't help feeling
like something's up.

Oh, no.

That's bright.

So, I'd like to ask you
some follow-up questions.

Follow-up questions.

So, let me get this straight.

You're saying
that Alex met Billie

at a dog-walking conference,

and took her under her wing
because, and I quote,

"Billie is the most
powerful dog-walker ever"?

Is that what I said?

I mean, if you said I said it,
then I must have said it, so...

Is it hot in here?

Yeah, the thing is,
I did a search

and there hasn't been
a dog-walking conference in Wisconsin

since 1962.

Are you sure about that?

Did you check the whole internet?

You're not making sense.

I mean, this girl
is living in our house,

and I don't know
anything about her.

Well, Billie and I are both wizards.

I just want to know
what color pillows she likes.

- Did you say "pillows"?
- Did you say "wizards"?

I said lizards.
Green. Lizard green.

Yeah, that's a color.

Tell me more
about these pillows.

Well, no, you know,
I just want to know what she likes

because I want to be able
to redecorate her room

so she'll feel more at home.

That's why you're interrogating me?

Interrogating you?

Oh, honey, if I were interrogating you,
you'd be crying.

Exactly. And I'm not crying
at all, so... [sniffles]

Why don't we go check out
these pillows?

Okay, I'll go grab my keys.

Good, yeah, you drive, 'cause...

I got something in my eye.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

[♪ music concludes]

Where's my wand?

[Milo] It'd be so much easier
to find if we could see it.

- [grunts]
- [object clatters]

God, Milo,
I tripped on your dumb legs.

How'd you do that?

They're the one part
of him you can see.

[Milo] Uh, guys? The bottle!

The potion
must've made it disappear

when you guys were fighting.

But the flour made it visible.

That's it.
That's how we find my wand!

Do you guys have anything else
powdery around here?

A pouch of nibble warts?
Some ground shibble sticks?

A card to the Wally Gog?
No Wally Gog?

There's baking soda in the fridge.

[chuckles] Baking soda,
that's a funny word.

[Justin] Boys, can you give me a hand?

Somebody's gotta stall him.

- [Milo] Coming, Daddy!
- What? Not you, Milo!

- [Milo] Hey, Dad!
- Hey, Dad!

[Justin] Hey, guys.

Do some shopping, did we?

Are you wearing Milo's pants?

I suppose in this instance,
it would appear that I am.

Come on, wand, where are you?

There you are.

[Justin] Hey, can you boys
give me a hand with these bags?

[chuckles] Sure thing, Dad.

Okay, we have to move
in perfect unison.

On three, step left.
One, two, three.

Why didn't you go left?

[Milo] It's not my fault.
I can't see my hands.

I don't know
which one makes the L.

Roman? Milo?

Dad, it's not what it looks like!

Found my wand! [gasps]
Justin, it's not what it looks like!

Giada is right outside.

Quick, give me your wand!
Revealus!

- Justin?
- Giada!

It's not what it looks like!

You just did magic!

Okay, it is what it looks like.

Justin, what is going on?

Look,

there's something
that I should have told you

a long time ago.

I'm a wizard.

[softly scoffs] A wizard?

I know. It sounds crazy.

Yes, it does.

But it's true.

I don't even...
I don't even know what this is.

Giada. Giada, wait. I...

- Justin, I'm sorry. I didn't--
- What were you thinking?

This is exactly the kind
of behavior

that got you kicked out
of WizTech.

- Dad.
- Guys, just...

Just go upstairs, okay?
Please. Go.

I told you not to use magic
outside of the lair.

How am I supposed to train you
if you won't listen?

I'll talk to Giada. I can fix this.

No, I will talk to Giada.
You just... just go.

- But I--
- Go.

[♪ somber instrumental music playing]

Guess I did jinx it.

[♪ music concludes]

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

[♪ music concludes]

Hey. What are you doing?

I want to make sure
Billie's okay.

Get back in here.

Hey, we're not in trouble,
and I'd like to keep it that way.

Billie! Billie!

She won't come out.

I'll get her to come out.

Billie, the Magical Association
of Screw Ups just called.

They want to give you an award!

Yeah, she didn't zap me.
Maybe she's not in there.

She's gone.

You expect me to believe
there is a wizard world

that exists outside of our own?

Like Harry Potter?

Well, not close enough
that they could sue. [chuckles nervously]

Right? But yeah.

It's not funny, Justin.

I feel like I don't even
know you.

No. You do know me, okay?

I am the same man
that you married.

Except also a wizard.

I just don't understand
why you didn't tell me.

[stammers] Because that part
of my life... [sighs]

it didn't go the way
that I planned.

So, I left it in the past.
Or at least I thought I did,

but then Alex
showed up with Billie,

and she asked me
to train her--

- Wait, Alex is a wizard?
- I know, it's shocking.

No, that's the first thing
you said that makes any sense.

She's way too cool
to be a dog-walker.

Look, I'm very sorry
that I kept this from you.

I have so many questions.

And I promise I will
answer them all, all right?

No more secrets. I promise.

Dad, did you kick Billie out?

What? Why would you ask that?

She said she's been kicked out
of everywhere she's ever lived.

And she's not in the house.

Where would she go?

She's probably just in the lair.

- We have a lair?
- We have a lair?

I promise you I'll explain
as soon as I'm back.

[♪ dramatic rock musical sting]

Billie? Billie!

Oh, no.

[♪ tense instrumental music playing]

[♪ mysterious instrumental music playing]

You know, the nice thing
about having nowhere to go

is you can go anywhere you want.

Bummer is I actually liked where I was.

[bus approaching]

- [♪ music concludes]
- [bus brakes hiss]

[Justin] Billie! Billie!

Why'd you run away?

I know how this goes.
I mess up, and I get kicked out.

Just like at WizTech.
I'm just saving you the trouble.

- No, no, no, no, no. This isn't WizTech.
- [bus departing]

But I ruined everything.

I did the one thing
you told me not to.

- You made a mistake.
- I make lots of mistakes.

[sighs]

You're supposed to.
It's a part of growing up.

But it doesn't mean
that I'm not going to forgive you.

- I really did try to keep your secret.
- [♪ gentle instrumental music playing]

I should have never asked you to do that.

That was my mistake.

Also the not telling
your wife and kids.

Also the not telling
my wife and kids, yeah.

[sighs]

But look, you're not just a guest.

You live with us,
and in our family,

you don't get kicked out
for making a mistake.

Now, let's get home.

I was hoping you'd say that,

'cause I really like
living with you guys.

Well, I was hoping
you'd say that

because we really like
having you live with us.

So, since I'm not kicked out,

who do I talk to
about getting an allowance?

That'd be Giada,
but I'd wait a few days.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

- [♪ music concludes]
- Look who I found.

Oh, thank goodness.
We were so worried.

Oh!

I don't love a group hug,
but I am glad you're back.

Me too.

Now, Billie, we wanted
to do something special for you,

but I just need you to know
I did not have

accurate information
when I was shopping.

Yeah, that's on me.

Sorry I wasn't honest
about who Billie really is.

[clears throat]

Right, or about who I really am.

Since we're confessing things,

when I was invisible,
I tried out a rude hand gesture.

I didn't point it at anyone,
but I tried it.

Okay, let's go see the room.

I don't know what any of this stuff is,
but I love it.

- Thank you.
- Oh!

[sighs] Never had my own room before.

- Yeah! Me neither.
- Yeah! Me neither.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

[♪ music concludes]

[bus brakes hiss]

[♪ mysterious instrumental music playing]

[Phantomus] A young wizard was here.

I will not stop
until I find them.

Soon, their power will be mine!

- [laughs maniacally]
- [lightening crashes]

[♪ music concludes]