01x09 - The Chaperone

[bunniefuu]

Is that her?

Uh-huh. Davy, you mooned
over that girl long enough.

It's time you took the initiative.

Go to it, David.

- Are you sure?
- Uh-huh.

Yeah. We're with you, baby.

Wail, Davy.

Uh, pardon me, miss, uh.
I'm from the TV poll taking service.

I was wondering, uh,
what TV program are you watching?

Well, I'm not watching any TV program.

- You're not?
- No.

I don't watch television until the evening.

Uh, okay. Uh, I'll be back later.

Will you tell your mother I like
roast beef and Yorkshire pudding?

Leslie, we're waiting for you.

I-I'll be right in. My father.
He's very authoritarian.

Well, nobody's perfect.

Uh, heh. That's cute.
Come on!

How'd you make out?
Did the, uh, poll TV thing work?

She's divine, lovely, beautiful,
devoon, marvelous.

Come on, Davy, quit fooling around;
what TV show was she watching?

Ours, I hope.

Here we come, walkin'
down the street

We get the funniest looks
from every one we meet

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees,
and people say we monkey around

But we're too busy singing
to put anybody down

We're just tryin' to be friendly,
come and watch us sing and play

We're the young generation,
and we've got something to say

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees,
you never know where we'll be found

So you better get ready,
we may be comin' to your town

The Monkees brought
to you by Kellogg's

K-E double L, O double good,

Kellogg's best to you

Well, I didn't know she's so little.

Oh.

Yes?

Oh, hello. Um, I'm selling
magazine subscriptions.

Oh, working your way through college, eh?

No, I'm working my way down the block, uh.
Is your daughter home?

I buy the magazines in this house,
and I'm not interested in any new ones.

Oh! Well, that's different,
cause these aren't new ones.

Mmm?

These are old issues.
Now, look. Popular Machines.

Now, this magazine shows you how
to invent the wheel, right here. See this?

Uh, excuse me.
Oh, thank you.

Yes?

Uh, we've come to inspect
your b*mb shelter.

W-what b*mb shelter?
I don't have any b*mb shelter.

Oh, you don't want to share
with your neighbors, huh?

Young man, I'll have you know
I was a general in the last w*r.

You were?

Well, it was a long time ago.

I've put all that military
nonsense behind me now.

Oh, I see.

Stand at attention when
you're addressing me!

Hm. Dismissed!

Wonder which side he was on.

Hi! I'm Cynthia. I'm staying with
Leslie while we're home on vacation.

I envy you.

And I admire your persistence,
but you're wasting your time;

Mr. Vandenberg runs this
place like an army camp.

Sure, but could you tell me one thing?

I have to go; I'm late for mess.

Surely Leslie goes out sometimes.

Only to chaperoned parties.

Chaperoned parties.
Chaperoned parties!

Hello? General Vandenberg? Colonel
Dolenz here. How are you?

Dolenz?

Dodo Dolenz, you remember?
We fought at...

...Normandy, Salerno...

...and the Battle of the Bulge.
What do you mean, you don't remember?

Everyone remembers the Battle of the Bulge!
Oh, it's me you don't remember.

Dolenz? Oh, yes.
Well, uh, how are you, Dodo, old man?

Fine, fine, fine.

Listen, Vandy, old boy. My son, Micky,
is grown up now, giving sort of a bash.

You know, twisting, frugging, cha-cha-cha,
all that sort of rot. Ah ha ha.

Yes, and, uh, all the military
families will be represented.

I remember you had a daughter, Hettie.

Leslie.

Oh, yes, Le-Leslie.
Why don't you send Tessie...

...along?

Leslie!

Yes, Leslie, I know. Um, the party will be
chaperoned, of course. And, uh... what?

She has a friend staying with her.

Her friend.
Well, uh, is she of military family?

Custer's grandniece?

Well, I suppose that'll be alright, heh.

There won't be any Indians here,
a-ha ha ha ha.

Ta-ta, old man.

We're gonna have a party.
Let's get the place decorated!

I guess I should have stayed in bed
My pillow wrapped around my head

Instead of waking up to find
A nightmare of a different kind

She went away
This just doesn't seem to be my day

She didn't have to say a lot
Her pretty eyes revealed the plot

For someone else she wanted more
And so I walked her to the door

What can I say?
This just doesn't seem to be my day

My, oh my,

how sad am I

How I wish she would have stayed

This just doesn't seem to be my day

My whole world is upside down
She turned my smile into a frown

It's such a pity the shape I'm in
I must get on my feet again

Can't stay this way
This just doesn't seem to be my day

My, oh my,

how sad am I

How I wish she would have stayed

This just doesn't seem to be my day

I guess I should have stayed in bed
My pillow wrapped around my head

Instead of waking up to find
A nightmare of a different kind

She went away
This just doesn't seem to be my day

Blah, blah, blah!

Mmm, up balloons.

Up balloons.
Go, go! Sky high.

There we go.

Now, this is all very well,
but what about a chaperone?

Will you please relax?
There he is now.

Our landlord?

Alright.
What do you want?

Well, um, Mr. Babbit, we're having a party,

uh, tonight, and, um,
and what we needed was a chaperone.

Why, of course. You boys know your
landlord understands problems of youth.

- Oh, Mr. Babbit!
- Thank you, Mr. Babbit.

Oh, of course. Now, how long do you
figure this party's gonna last?

- Four hours?
- About four hours?

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Let me see, now.

Four hours. That's, uh, four hours,
two dollars an hour.

What?

And then there's time
and a half for overtime.

That's natural, you understand?

Two dollar checking charge for coats
and hats, all kinds of things.

And I'll bring the pretzels,
'cause that's part of it.

- Yeah. Okay, bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

Right. Yeah.

What we gonna do about a chaperone?

Hello, boys.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Weefers.
Is this your day to clean?

Of course, you remember. Second Tuesday
of every month with an R in it.

That's right.

Of course, I'd been here earlier, only I had
to clean up after a c*ck party.

Oh, was there a lot to clean up?

Only about half a quart.
Dear, you look blue.

We need a chaperone.

The dance in France is
mainly in the stance.

Oh, Davy, I don't know how to
behave at them fancy parties.

I tell you, Peter,
give me six months,

and I could pass her off as a
duchess at an embassy ball.

Uh, how about at the party, tonight?

Well, that'd be a little harder.

First thing you do is you
put your fingers like that,

and then you stick out your pinky.
Innit that nice?

Okay, so now you do it. Oh, yeah, right.
Mm-hm. Put your pinky's.

Ooh! Look what
Peter's doing over there!

Where? What? What?
Where? Where? What are you're.

That's what I call fruit punch.

Now, for diction.
The idea is to put as many of these

marbles in your mouth as you
can and still be clearly...

What's that?

- ...understood.
- Are you getting through to her?

- [mumbles]
- Ah, good.

Huntington Hartford hates pickled herrings.
Now, you try it.

Huntington Hartford hates
pickled herrings.

Most of the guys are here. We're gonna get
you in your clothes now. Mrs. Weefers?

Mrs. Weefers!
Wake up, come on.

Mrs. Weefers?
Please! She's stoned.

Drunk.

What are we going to do about the chaperone?
Vandenberg'll be here any minute!

Well, let's get her on the bed or something.
That's it, hang her over the edge. Careful.

Mrs. Weefers?
Mrs. Weefers?

Mrs. Weefers, please, hurry up.
Come on!

Uh, the door! Uh, get-answer it.
I'll try to revive her.

Or something. Miss Weefers?

Oh, hello there, General Vandenberg.
It's nice that you

could bring the, uh, ladies by,
and we'll take their coats, and you...

Just a moment. These girls aren't staying
at this party without a chaperone.

Well, you see, um...

Well, actually...

Where is the chaperone?

Um, we, we planned a, uh...

- Who's that?
- Micky!

Shh!

Good evening, General Vandenberg.
How nice of you to come.

Pete, why don't you take the girls and show
them where you're going to put the sweaters?

Uh, General Vandenberg,
we'd like you to meet our chaperone.

This is Mrs... Arcadian.

Uh, she's one of the first
families of Philadelphia.

Oh-h*?

As you go into town, my house is
the first house on the right.

That's very good.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

As you're leaving town, it's
the last house on the left.

Ha ha!

Well, I guess you'll have to be going now.

Yeah!

What's the hurry?
The evening is young.

Uh, well, uh, in that case, why don't you
two just sit over there in the loveseat?

Oh, good.

We'll get you some punch.

Uh, just a moment, I'll help the boys pour.

You, uh,
go over there and wait in the loveseat.

Alright.

I thought he'd see the
chaperone and leave.

Eh, so he stays a few minutes;
he'll be gone in a minute.

A few minutes? Man,
he's starting to get serious.

Look, Micky, will you calm down?

Calm down?
How can I calm down?

He'll be gone any minute.
Hey, Micky. You're lovely.

Heh heh.

Heh heh.

You know, I can't help thinking
I know you from some place.

Have you ever been to Palm Beach?

- Yes!
- Is it nice?

Heh heh.

Why so glum?
This is a party.

Look at them. They're all children!
I want a real man.

Someone who will sweep me off my feet.

Ahh!

Ahh!

He gets more girls that way.

Well, I'm sure I've seen
you somewhere before.

Have you ever been to jail?

He's a good sport.

Excuse me a minute.

Mr. Schneider, do you think
that teenagers should neck?

No, I do not.

I agree with you, but my husband's
getting very impatient.

Why don't we all dance?
After all, the boys play so poorly.

Come on, boys, and play poorly.
Be right back.

Though you've played at love and lost
And sorrow's turned your heart to frost

I will melt your heart again.

Remember the feeling as a child

When you woke up and morning smiled

It's time you felt like you did then.

There's just no percentage
in remembering the past

It's time you learned to
live again at last.

Come with me, leave
yesterday behind

And take a giant step
outside your mind.

You stare at me in disbelief

You say for you there's no relieve

But I swear I'll
prove you wrong.

Don't stay in your lonely room

Just staring back in silent gloom.

That's not where you belong

Come with me I'll take you
where the tast of life is green

And everyday holds
wonders to be seen.

Come with me, leave
yesterday behind

And take a giant step
outside your mind.

Come with me I'll take you
where the tast of life is green

And everyday holds
wonders to be seen.

Come with me, leave
yesterday behind

And take a giant step
outside your mind.

Thank you, my dear.

Oh! Heh heh. My late husband won a ribbon

like this for doing something
to help shorten the w*r.

Oh? What did he do?

He deserted.

I've had it. I'm through!

Oh, man, keep your dress on.
What's the matter?

He's getting fresh!

Okay, so he's getting fresh.
It's for a pal, anyway.

Davy's in love with his daughter.

Yeah, and I'm gonna be
his mother-in-law.

If you play your cards right.

Oh, here he comes.

Excuse me.

Uh, where's she going?

I give up, where?

- Come on, Mike.
- What?

We've got to get him out of there.

Okay.

Come on.

Excuse me.

Hm?

- Come on, Micky.
- He's still out there.

Ah, there you are, ha ha ha.

Oh, the door. Must answer the door.

Can't keep someone standing
at the door, heh heh. Ah.

Who was that?

Uh, nobody, nobody.

I brought my own pretzels, and... hi,

I'm the boys' landlord.
The name is Babbit.

Uh, Harley Vandenberg.
This is Mrs. Arcadian, the chaperone.

- Uh-huh.
- Charmed.

Would you mind getting us
both some drinks?

Tell me, ha ha ha,
how much you getting for this?

You know, if I knew you were coming,
I'd have paid them.

Oh, you sweet man.

Say, tell me, uh, how do you,
how do you like this apartment?

You know, I could kick the boys out.

Oh, I couldn't stand living
in a place like this, heh.

And you really wouldn't want
to do that to the boys.

Why, they think the world of you.

Well, they were just talking
about you before you came in.

Really?

Yes. What's a bloodsucker?

Mrs. Arcadian sounds like
a really strange woman.

She ought to be;
she's my roommate, Micky.

What?

Yeah. Our regular chaperone conked out,
so Micky had to take her place.

All night long, my father's been...

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

You. Ten-hut. Right face.
Your other right, knucklehead.

Forward march. Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, halt, one, two.
Ten-hut.

You two, fall in.

Unscramble... march.

Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.

Halt, one, two.
Parade rest. And stay there.

What's going on?
What's happening?

Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.

Hey.

Hup, two, three, four. Hup, two,
three, four. Hup, two, three, four.

Hey.

- Hup, two, three, four.
- I think something is wrong.

Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

You don't have to go.

Hup, two, three, four.

Bye.

Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Uh, is anything the
matter, Mr. Vandenberg?

Oh, no, no.
There's nothing the matter.

On the contrary, everything's wonderful.

I want you to be the first to know Mrs.
Arcadian has just consented to be my wife.

Oh.

Huh? Oh, Harley, heh.
I think we can be good friends.

Oh, we'll honeymoon in Madrid,
then fly to Rome, then on to Venice.

Hey, Micky, will you please tell him?

Did you say Venice?

O sole mio!

Micky!

General Vandenberg, look, uh,
you don't understand, I, uh, we...

Micky, will you please explain to
him and get off the Venice thing?

O sole mio!

Micky!

There's nothing to explain.
It's perfectly obvious.

You've been laughing at me behind my back.

There can be no excuse
for this kind of deceit.

There is an excuse! You're the excuse!
You and your medieval attitudes!

Look what you made these boys go through
just because Davy wanted to date me!

How nice of you to come.

What is this?

Huntington Hartford hates pickled herring.

I think she's got it.

By George, she's got it.

Tell me when the party begins.

If you weren't so over-protective,
Davy wouldn't have

had to go to such
extremes to see me!

I went back to my apartment,
but I couldn't eat,

I couldn't sleep, I couldn't get you
out of my mind. Did you dye your hair?

Get outta here.

Oh, I don't understand any of this.

It's just that I wanted
to see your daughter.

W-why didn't you say so?
I'm not an unreasonable man.

Well, I guess all's well that ends well.

There's only one thing
that bothers me, though.

What?

Do I gotta... give back the ring?

Daddy really learned his lesson.
He said no more chaperones, ever!

Swell.

Well, that shows he has a lot of
confidence in me, don't you think?

Sure. A lot of confidence.

Ha ha ha ha.

We'll see you guys later.

- Yeah, later.
- Bye.

All men must have someone,
have someone

Who would never take advantage
Of a love bright as the sun.

Someone to understand them,
And you just may be the one.

All men must have someone,
have someone

Who would never take for granted
All the pleasures and the fun.

Someone to stand beside them
And you just may be the one.

I saw when you walked by

The lovelight in your eye

And I knew I must try To win

you more than just a friend,

I'm starting near the end,

And I go again.

All men must have someone,
have someone

Who would never take advantage
Of a love bright as the sun.

Someone to stand beside them
And you just may be the one.

Someone to understand them,
And you just may be the one.