01x12 - I've Got a Little Song Here

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, get the door.
- I'll get it.

- Hi, Mike.
- Hey, Bobby, how's it going, buddy?

Alright.

Hey, there's a free
booklet to Mr. Peter Tork

from Hercules Bodybuilding School.

Bodybuilding?
Who needs that?

Ooh!

Heh heh.

This looks important.

It says, "Congratulations,

because of your unusual
taste and achievements,

you have been selected
for this exclusive offer."

That's for you, Mike?

Well, yeah, it's "Dear occupant".

Huh.

"Bring us your songs, and let us start
you off on a profitable new career.

High Class Music Publishers."

That sound like a bad idea.
I may bring 'em my song.

Hey, you wrote a song, Mike?

Well, you know, yeah, kinda.

Hey! Mike's a songwriter!

Oh, baby! Through the years,
my partner and I have

written many of the songs that
kept America tapping its feet.

In nineteen fifty-two, all America was
humming this never-to-be-forgotten hit...

what was the name of that hit?

Oh, never mind, it doesn't matter!
And then, our three most recent favorites,

"I'll Never Stop Loving Louisa",

"I'll Never Stop Kissing Lucille",
and "I'm All Turned On About Tina".

And then, our most recent hit,

"I've Got that Rundown Feeling".

Okay, you guys go ahead and laugh.

Songwriting is a million dollar
business; you'll see.

Oh, Mike, I forgot to tell ya,
there's six cents due on that letter.

Here we come, walkin'
down the street

We get the funniest looks
from every one we meet

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees,
and people say we monkey around

But we're too busy singing
to put anybody down

We're just tryin' to be friendly,
come and watch us sing and play

We're the young generation,
and we've got something to say

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees,
you never know where we'll be found

So you better get ready,
we may be comin' to your town

I call my song "My Funny
Valentine". Heh heh!

Hey, well, I think there already
is a song called "My Funny Valentine".

Shh! Do you want to ruin everything?!

You're next.

You didn't come here to exchange
pleasantries, Nipsmouth.

Nesmith.

What can High Class Music do for you?

Uh, well, uh, mister, uh-

Class.

Oh, you're High Class?

No, no, no, I'm Bernie. My brother's
the one who started the business.

Oh, he's High Class.

No, his name is Irving.

Irving? Well, then how come it's called
High Class Music Publishing Company?

Would you come to an Irving
Class Music Publishing Company?

Oh. Well, I have this song here.
It's called "I'm Gonna Buy Me a Dog".

Oh, a ballad.

No, not exactly.

"I'm gonna buy me a dog 'cause
I need a friend now.

I'm gonna buy me a dog 'cause
I need a friend now.

I tried... I'm gonna buy me a...?"

You don't like it.

No, I don't like it...
I love it!

You do?!

And you know what else, Nesbin?
I'm gonna see that your

song gets the Joannie Jans!
It's beautiful, beautiful!

I'm gonna buy me a song-
I'm gonna buy me a dog!?

No...?
I'm gonna buy me a dog-?

Joannie Jans?!
She's the hottest thing in show business!

Joannie Jans, in my opinion, is the finest
living or dead singer alive today.

You really think she'd dig it?

Do I think she'd-do I think she'd-?
You just get me a hundred

dollars for legal fees and incidentals,
and you got it made, sweetheart!

Oh, a hundred dollars, man,
I'm, I'm sorry...

Nestleroad, you've gotta have
some ambition! How old are you?

Twenty-one.

When I was your age,
I was twenty-two!

Okay, look, I'll get the money somehow.

Good, and remember, someday,
you'll be passing a theater marquee,

and there you'll see it, in neon letters,
ten feet high, your name: Mike Nashburt!

Nesmith!

Hello, Micky? It's Mike. Yeah, listen,
I'm at the music publishers.

He said it's great, man,
he's gonna send it to Joannie Jans.

I can't talk now, goodbye.

Hello, Ma? This is Mike.

Yeah, look, I'm at a music publishers,
and he said that my song was great,

and he's gonna give it to a big star.

Look, I can't talk now, goodbye.

Hello, Mr. Conway?

This is Mike Nesmith... ah, no,
Mike Nesmith... Nesmith... yeah.

Well, you probably don't remember,
we, we met on a bus about five years ago.

Yeah, well, look, I'm at
a music publishers,

and he just heard a song I wrote,

and he says it's the greatest
thing he ever heard in his life,

and he's gonna give it to
Joannie Jans and...

Well, if your song's gonna be in a

Joannie Jans movie,
it's gonna make you rich.

Hey, man, will you remember
us when you're rich and famous?

- Aw, you know I will, Danny.
- Davy!

Hm, Mike's gonna be rich! Ah!

You know my girl...
Now? No?

You know my girl
just called me up

And she woke me from my sleep

You should have heard
the things she said

You know she hurt
my feelings deep

- I'm gonna buy me a dog
- A dog? A dog

- Why? Why?
- 'Cause I need a friend now

Babe, you need all the friends
You can get, I'm tellin' you

I'm gonna buy me a dog

My girl, my girl,
don't love me no how

Don't ruin my song man
It's the only song I have

It was ruined when it was wrote Uh,
where's the verse?

She used to bring me
my, my newspaper

- You don't even know where it's at
- 'Cause she knew where it was at

She used to keep me so contented

But I can teach a dog to do that

I'm gonna buy me a dog

You couldn't teach a dog to do that
You can only train elephants

- 'Cause I need a friend now
- I need a friend now, now, yeah

- I'm gonna buy me a dog
- A dog, here Rover, Fido, Spot!

My girl, my girl,
don't love me no how

One, two, three, four

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, hike!

- Eight, nine
- I'm gonna buy me a dog

- A dog? A dog?
- 'Cause I need a friend now

Yeah, yeah!
Boop, boop, sh-bop, bop, ramalama

I'm gonna buy me a dog
Want my girl?

My girl, don't love me no how, how

Now, now brown cow

I think I'm gonna buy me a dog, yes sir
I'm gonna buy me a dog

If I was looking for a word to
describe what I'm gonna buy

I think 'dog' would be the word
Would it? Would it be dog?

It would come springing
from my lips, Dog

- Springing from!
- Let's get out of here

Springing from my...

It's alright Tony, can
you turn it off please

Can somebody open the
door and let us out?

They are coming to take us away!

It's all there, Mr. Class.

Ninety-eight, ninety-nine...
seventy-five,

eighty-five, ninety-five.
You're a nickel short.

Well, that's all the money I got.

Look, I even had to pawn
my guitar to get that.

You're a nice kid, right?
Let's call it an even hundred;

you can owe me the rest.

Wait a minute. How do
I know for sure that

Joannie Jans is really gonna
do my tune in her movie?

How do you know for sure?
Well, I'd bet your life on it.

Better still, I'll call
her and prove it to ya.

Hello?

Hello, Joannie, baby?
Bernie, baby.

No, there ain't no Joannie here.

How's everything down at the studio?

Yeah, I know, baby. Are you ready to
talk turkey about the Nesbaum tune?

- Nesmith!
- Shh!

Harry, who is it?

Listen, buddy, there
ain't no Joannie here.

Yeah, I know, baby,
it gets me right there too.

Give me the phone,
Harry, I'll get rid of 'im.

Max, I told you never
to call me here!

You bet, baby.

Man, he gave that guy a hundred bucks.
I tell ya, Mike's been had.

Let's go up to this Bernie Class's
office and get the goods on him.

Yeah, but what can we do?

This looks like a job for...

Monkee Men! Up, up, and away!

Now, remember, we've got to get
the goods on these guys, Pete.

Pete? Peter?

No, Peter. his, Peter.

That's-no, no, Peter.

We've come to tune
the piano, Charlie.

Three guys to tune one piano?

Yeah, well, he does the
black keys, and, uh,

he does the white keys,
and I do the cracks, ha ha.

It's a very tough union.

It's over there.

Thanks a lot, Charlie!
? Duh duh-duh duh, duh-duh duh...?

What you think?

It's a little sharp.

Uh, pardon me, sir, can you
tell me where Joannie Jans is?

Huh? Oh, uh, uh, she's
right over there.

- Thank you.
- Eh, eh-

He looks like a crook, alright.

But we gotta get some proof
he's defrauding songwriters.

- Dear sir.
- Shh!

Thank you so much for your
check for one hundred dollars.

I found your song to be the best
I've ever heard since "Hello Dolly".

Sincerely, Bernard Class.

Put that in mimeo and print
me five hundred copies.

Maybe he'd like one of my songs.

We've gotta tell Mike.

Man, I hate to tell him that Joannie
Jans isn't going to record his song.

At least he'll be hearing it from friends.

Um, pardon me, Miss Jans?

Ohh! One of the little people!

I'm proud and just
a little bit 'umbled

to be able to give you my autograph.

There, little person.

Uh, thank you very much, but no,
no, you don't understand.

I came to tell ya that how I appreciate
you doing my song in your new show.

Well, I'm proud and just a
little bit 'umbled to say...

I don't know what the devil
you're talking about.

Aw, sure you do, you know,
it's kind of a bouncy tune.

You're doing it in your new flick.

Oh, a bouncy tune!

In The Wolf Girl Meets the
Vampire in the Old West?

Alright, alright, Joannie, baby.
It's time for the biting on the next scene.

I say, pussycat, do you think
the next time you could

ask the vampire not to get
so emotionally involved?

Oh, yes. Well, Joannie, baby,
you leave everything me. Uh, excuse us.

No, hold-wait, wait a minute,
no, no, um, Miss Jans,

listen this is really important to me.

Does the name Mike Nesmith
mean anything to you?

Uh, no, it's only a rumor.

We're just good friends.

Yes, excuse us.

Man, I wish we could have told him.
What a crummy way to find out.

He's sure taking it hard.

Hey Mike. D'you wanna go bowling?

No.

Hey Mike, wanna go swimming?

No.

Hey Mike, would you like
to go to the movies?

Eh, what's playing?

With a Song in My Heart.

Well, what do you want to do?

Well, I dunno, I thought I'd just
sorta sit around the house and fail.

Man, you didn't fail; he tricked you!

Well, maybe I tricked myself, Davy.
Maybe that song just wasn't that groovy.

Man, that was a great song!
And if that had've

ever got in a movie, it would
have a been a smash hit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey Mike! You wanna see my impression
of the inimitable James Cagney?

No.

Okay, you dirty rat.
I'm gonna get you, you dirty rat.

Wanna see my impression
of Fred Astaire doing

his impression of the
inimitable James Cagney?

Really, Micky, I'd rather
just skip it.

Okay, you dirty rat.
I'm gonna get you, you dirty rat.

Hey, come on, Micky;
I'm just not in the mood, man.

Hey Mike?

What?

Mike?

What, Peter?

My mother says that you have
the best posture of anyone she knows.

Thank you, good buddy.

Mike, we've decided we're not
gonna let you take this lying down.

We've got a plan.

Before we're through, we're gonna
have Bernie Class patting for your song.

Hello, Mammoth Studios calling
Bernie Class. This is M.D. himself.

M.D.?

Yes.

Yes, M.D. Certainly, M.D.

Meet me at the studio in one hour.

Hey, you guys!

You can't park here!

- Ready, fellas?
- Mm-hm.

- Yeah.
- Lights, camera, action!

However, hold it, no, you're not
allowed here, hold it, hold it.

Oh, he's quite a k*ller, eh, M.D.?
Trying to keep you off your own lot.

Uh, could you step aside please, for M.D.?
Thank you very much.

Ah, just a second.
I have to phone the front office.

No one can tie up the line!

M.D.'s expecting a very special call from
Rome about his latest production.

Oh, baby, it's gonna be my biggest one yet!
Three years in the making...

seven hundred and forty cast members,
three hundred and fifty crew members,

and twenty-two thousand extras.

What was your greatest expense?

Coffee and donuts.

Cut! Cut!

Hm, good angle, good angle, my boy.

You was looking through the wrong end!

Just checking to see if you're on your toes;
I want him in my next movie.

Alright, alright, off the set.

Did I hear what I thought I heard?
Is it possible he doesn't know who you are?

Please, no names; it will only
embarrass him,

and actually, it will make an
amusing anecdote for my book.

Your book?

Hrumph! My book! I'm writing
an exposion of Hollywood:

the false values,
the phoniness, the fakery.

Is it taking you long to write?

I don't know;
I'm having it ghost written.

What?! Who is that?

I don't know, but it could be...
you know who.

Not the you know who!

I don't like it; paint it red.

Take a memo! Going into

production for my new film,
The First Ten Days of Pompeii.

Have the ads read, "You've read
the book, now see the movie!"

M.D.!

Take another memo! Have somebody write
a book called The First Ten Days of Pompeii.

Sir, it was very kind of you-

Please, no fawning. Why must
they always fawn? Class,

I called you here 'cause I want
a song for Joannie's new movie.

It's starring Joannie, Gregory Peck,

Elizabeth Taylor, Doris
Day, and Sonny Tufts.

Sonny T-? What a production!

It's M.D.'s first low budget picture.

The title of the song
has to have a dog in it.

A dog sir, but why a dog?

You, a Bernie, ask me,
an M.D., why a dog?

I only meant that-

Because Joannie plays the part of
an animal lover. That's why a dog.

How about...
"I'm Gonna Buy Me a Dog".

That'll have to do.

Who wrote it?

Some kid called Nishwash.

Nesmith.

Never heard of him. I like the title
of that song! Class, get me that song!

Yes, M.D. Certainly, M.D.
May I call you M?

No! Get me Nishwash first.

I'll be back with
him in ten minutes.

Class. Make it eight. Class.
What are you waiting for?

Gentlemen, in a short time,
your fortunes will be made.

You have a song under exclusive
contract, of course?

Sure, M.D., sure.

Sign here, kiddo.

I ain't signing nothing for
less than two hundred dollars.

Two hundred dollars?!

Shh!

Any trouble there, gentlemen?

No, no trouble at all, M.D.
Two hundred dollars? Here. Here.

You're a dollar short.

Well, can't I owe it to ya?

Look, you're a nice guy, right?
You can owe it to me.

Here you are, M.D. I gotta go and arrange
for some promotion. I'll see ya later.

Bye, Bernie.

- Good work, Nishwash.
- Nesmith!

Nismoth? Hee hee hee hee.

Mary, Mary, where you goin' to?

Mary, Mary, can I go too?

This one thing I will vow ya

I'd rather die than to live without ya

Mary, Mary, where you goin' to?

Mary, Mary, tell me truly

What did I do to make you leave me?

Whatever it was
I didn't mean to

You know I never
would try and hurt ya

Mary, Mary, where you goin' to?

What more, Mary, can I do

To prove that my love is truly yours?

I've done more now than
a clear-thinkin' man would do

Mary, Mary, it's not over

Where you go, I will follow

Till I win your love again

And walk beside you, but until then

Mary, Mary,
where you goin' to?

Mary, Mary, where you goin' to?

Mary, where you goin' to?

Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary,
Mary, where you goin' to?

What is this for?

Well, you see, sir, we were both, uh,
taken in by a pretty classy fella,

and, um, well, I'd feel better
if you just kept it.

That's very nice of you, old boy.

Okay, good luck.

Thank you, same to you.
Oh, uh, if you are around any time

when that new song of mine is
being played, give me a call.

Sure. Uh, what's the title of it?

"I Want to Buy Me a Dog".

Well, that's that. Huh, Pete.

Pete?

Pete? Pete? Where's Peter?

Hey. He can fly.

Who, Peter?

No.

A speeding b*llet's much
faster than that