01x17 - The Case of the Missing Monkee

[bunniefuu]

So, again, let me thank
you for this banquet.

As a humble man of science,
all I can say is,

um, um, w*r is w*r and,
and peace is peace,

and science is, uh, uh, science.

Bravo!

You know, I don't think I've ever
heard it put quite that way before.

What?

Wonderful, wonderful speech.

Marvelous.

Professor? I certainly enjoyed
your speech, sir.

Thank you, uh, and I have enjoyed
your music very much. Thank you.

Professor, there is someone
who is most anxious to see you.

It's a surprise. Excuse me, please.

Professor, I want you to meet
someone. You'll be surprised.

"They are taking me to
the Remington Clinic."

Hey, a funny thing happened to
me on the way to the bandstand.

We gotta play, babe.

The professor gave me
this sheet of paper.

Yeah, well, read it later.
We gotta play.

Yeah.

Professor Schnitzler?
Professor Schnitzler?

Profe-Professor Schnitzler?
Professor Schnitzler?

Here we come, walkin'
down the street

We get the funniest looks
from every one we meet

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees,
and people say we monkey around

But we're too busy singing
to put anybody down

We're just tryin' to be friendly,
come and watch us sing and play

We're the young generation,
and we've got something to say

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees,
you never know where we'll be found

So you better get ready,
we may be comin' to your town

You know, it's not like Peter
to take off in the middle of a gig.

Man, he sure takes a
lot of looking after.

Oh, I don't know; not any more
than the average aircraft carrier.

Yeah.

Oh, let's go check with
the boss. Um, excuse me.

Don't do that.

Oh, um, listen. We're looking
for a musician friend of ours.

Sandy-haired kind of guy.

Well, I don't know
nothing about musicians,

but, uh, you are musicians, no?

Yeah, well, he's also a musician-

Why are you not playing?
Why don't

you do what you've been hired for?

Huh, that's a big help.

Wait a minute.
I just remembered something.

What?

What's that?

This note, uh, Peter gave me.

What does it say?

"I am being taken to
the Remington Clinic."

Well, it's the only thing
that makes any sense, uh.

I guess, Peter came here looking
for the Professor. Let's go.

I kinda like it meself.
It's a nice little-

Uh, yes, boys.
Can I help you?

- Oh, yes.
- Oh, yeah. We'd like-

- Um, you see, it's, we, we-
- We wanted-

No, no. Listen. Let, let
me do it, will you, please?

We're looking for a friend of ours.

His name's, uh, Peter Tork,
and we have reason to

believe that he came here looking for a,
um, a, Professor Sh, Sh, Shn, Sh...

Um, Snapler. Uh, no, it's, uh-

Sna-

- Schnitzler?
- Right. Right.

I am sorry. We have no
Professor Schnitzler here.

Uh, what does your young
friend look like?

Well, he's about, uh,
you know, he's five ten,

he's got light brown hair and sort of,

uh, gray-green eyes, and, um,
he's got a little button nose.

Yeah, it buttons right
over his lower lip.

He's very emotional.

Yeah, he cries at card tricks.

Aw. And what did you
say his name was?

Tork.

Um, Taylor, Thompson,

Titlebaum, Tinker...

Hey, that's pretty good.
Can you say,

"She sells sea shells
by the seashore"?

I'm sorry; I can't help you.
If your friend is missing,

I suggest you go to the police.

- Yeah.
- Okay. Thank you.

- Okay.
- Thank you very much.

Go see the man.

Nurse. What, uh, did, uh,
those young men want?

They were looking for
a friend of theirs,

doctor, and a man named Schnitzler;
I've never heard of them.

No, neither have I.

This the place I saw him last, officer.

It's sort of like a
French restaurant.

Hey!

Hey, it's changed.

This isn't, uh. These tables
weren't red, these tables were...

Something's wrong here.
Hey, what's going on?

Man, this place is Chinese.

Perhaps humble servant can
be of assistance, please.

These kids say their friend
disappeared from here

this afternoon while they
were playing for a banquet.

Well, he did.

Must be big mistake. Honorable
establishment closed today.

Closed? Today?

Unless honorable officer want food.

I can bring, uh, fried rice, uh,
chicken chow mein, wonton soup.

Never mind that!
Do you have Schnitzler here?

Uh, no. We have, uh, fried rice, uh,
chicken chow mein, wonton soup.

I think you kids
are in the wrong place.

Now, don't bother any more policemen
until you know where you were.

Bye.

Bye.

Oh.

You know, I never did
like Chinese restaurants;

one hour after you eat
there, you disappear.

Ha ha ha ha ha!
I fooled them! I fooled them!

Nurse! Nurse! My friend's been
in a terrible accident.

He has broken bones and loss of blood,
and he's suffering from terrible pain.

Uh!

Uh, name please?

David Jones.

Uh, address?

What?

Fourteen thirty-eight
North Beechwood.

I don't suppose you know
your zip code number?

His zip code? Are you kidding?

He's got broken bones and things,
and we've gotta get him inside!

Please! I have a job to do.
Occupation?

Uh, uh, he's a musician.

A musician?!
Ah! I love the tuba!

Miss, he's been in an accident!

Ohh!

Oh, well, let's see. Um,

I don't suppose you're old
enough to qualify under Medicare.

Well, I wasn't when
I came in here, but, uh.

Alright, sign here.

Okay.

Uh, admitting desk. I have
a young man here with,

uh, multiple fractures
and contusions.

Oh, I'd see a doctor
about that cough.

Uh, he'll probably need
the operating room.

I don't think he'll need
the recovery room.

Alrighty! Uh, we can take you
on the thirteenth.

On the thirteenth?!
But you don't understand!

Uh, he, he's, he needs
immediate help.

Uh, what can you do
in the meantime?

Oh, well, try a cough drop.

Oh, thanks very much.
Come on, fellas.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Hey, hold it. Hold it.
Let me just, um.

Ah! Ahh!

? Way down upon the Swanee River ?

? Far, far away ?

It's a miracle!
It's a miracle! Ha ha ha!

? That's where my heart is yearning ever?
? That's where the old folks stay?

Hurray, hurray.

Hey, hey, hey. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Do you realize this is a crime?
This is breaking and entering.

So what do you want to do?

Do you wanna run home,
where it's safe and,

and, and leave Peter
here in trouble, all alone?

Of course not.

Well, it was just a suggestion.
A ha. The bat hook!

What is this bat hook thing?
We got a ladder.

What, are you gonna use this
thing and break your leg?

Oh!

Ah! Ah!

Shh. Shh. Shh.

Ow!

I guess the first thing we better do is,
uh, try and look like patients.

- Right.
- Come on.

Well, what do we do now?

Well, um, I guess we
start looking for Peter.

We can't.

Shh. Why?

I'm sick.

Hey, look, man.
We gotta search this hospital.

Right.

Mm-hm. Hm-hm-hm. Good.
He's still asleep from the drug.

He was a fool to pass
that note to the boy.

But the banquet was already scheduled.

We had to take him when we could.
But it doesn't matter, Bruno.

What does matter is this.

We are going to transport Professor
Milo Schnitzler out of the country,

and America will lose one of its

greatest scientists.
A ha ha! Brilliant. Ha ha ha ha.

What about him?

Yeah, what about me?

Shut up!

You can't do that to me.
I need love and understanding.

My mother rejected me.
My sister resented me.

I've lost all my confidence.
And now, this operation.

What is that?

Ben Casey, act one.

What are you doing with that?

He knows too much.

Thank you!

But we cannot afford a m*rder here.

Besides, I have a better plan.
Ha ha ha ha.

I told you a million times,
never point the g*n.

Shazam!

Well, another seven years
bad luck for Captain Marvel.

Well, that takes care of this room.

Yeah, there's thirty-nine to go.

Bruno, you had better attend
to the physical therapy room.

Now, you know, maybe some of the
patients may have reported.

But remember this, the affairs of
this rest home must not be disrupted.

Ja, doctor.

Now, listen, you get some-wait!
Somebody's coming.

Go.

So, I see you all here, huh?
Ready for your physical therapy.

Excellent. Well, we begin.
Alright. Now, pull.

Pull? Ha ha.

Pull. Harder. Harder.
Harder. Harder. Harder.

Ah! Good.
Now, arms straight out.

A heh. Wah!

What does this do?

This will get rid of your spare tire.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Ahh! Whoa! Ju-uh, just
a minute. Wuh! Wah!

? Honeysuckle's not as
sweet as you are?

Nah, nah, nah. You'll never
get anywhere that way.

This guy's gotta be kidding.

Hey, Mike. We've got to get out of here.
Peter might be dying.

He might be dying!

This instrument, Mr. Tork,
will cause temporary amnesia.

It will erase your memory, but,
by the time your memory will return,

we will be safely out of this
country with Professor Schnitzler.

How long before I get my memory back?

A normal brain should be out
of commission for three days.

Oh, ha ha.

But, in your case, we are safe
to say until early spring.

I will set the dials. Hm hm.

Alright, you can cool off a bit
now and then return to your rooms.

Oh. Listen, we haven't
got a minute to spare.

We gotta get out there
and find Peter. Hello?

Yeah, Bruno just gave
us physical therapy.

Yeah, Peter's somewhere in hospital.

Yeah, Doctor Schnitzler's still missing.
Okay. Goodbye!

- That was the police?
- No, it was TV Guide. Shh.

I will erase your memory!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Peter, where are you?

Peter, where are you?

Peter, where are you?

Peter, where are you?

It's alright. Well, we looked
everywhere, man. Can't find him.

Man, I'm gonna give up all hope.

I guess we'll never see
old Peter again.

Yeah, well, we might as
well just-hey! Pete!

Peter!

Peter?

Pete!

I've never seen you guys
before in my life.

Peter, I-

Keep your hands off me!
Do you know who I am?

Wait a minute.
Who am I?

You, know, I heard you can induce

temporary amnesia by a shock
to the nervous system.

Well, maybe we could
shock it out of him.

It's worth a try.

Go on. Go on.

Uh, Peter, we're-we're gonna try
to scare you, so don't be scared.

Okay. Go ahead.

Boo!

Nope. That don't make it.
You gotta do it when I'm not ready.

Here. Come here, come here.

What? What?

The whole secret to this scaring
business is to get him off his guard.

Right. Right, right.

So be very casual and then,
you know, let the...

La la la...

Oh, hey, Peter. How's it going, babe?
Long time, no see.

Yeah.

Hey, Pete, saw Harry
Flynn the other day.

Yeah, he sends his best regards.

Boo!

What are you trying to do?
Give me a heart attack?

Look, we're sorry, Peter.
We're just trying to help you, you know.

- That's alright, Micky.
- Micky!

He knows me!
He knows me!

- You're not...
- No, I'm Davy.

Wait. Wait. My memory!
Ah! We don't have any time.

We don't have any time.

We gotta get the
profe-they're gonna smuggle

the professor out of
the country tonight.

How'd the doctor say he's gonna
get him out of the country anyway? Huh?

I forget.

He's having a relapse.
Ah, uh, quick! We gotta hide.

Uh, get in the back of this thing.
Peter, you stay here and play dumb.

Why am I always the one to play dumb?

Why can't I play smart once in a while?

Hello there!

Are they coming to take him away now?

Oh, what a smart question.

Yes, the doctor will be
here in a few moments.

Here. Have a cough drop.
They're wonderful.

Bye-bye.

Okay, guys. She's gone.

That's it! They're gonna smuggle
him out of the country in an ambulance.

What a great idea, man.
Who'd ever stop an ambulance?

You know what? With that
oxygen mask on his face,

you can't tell who's under there.

You're right, man!

Yeah.

Buh-buh, buh.

Okay, he's comfortable back there.

- Groovy.
- Great.

Believe me, Micky;
there's no other way.

Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Besides, Doctor
Marcovich is an evil man.

But what about me?

You're not evil. Is he, Mike?

No, he's not evil. He's crafty
and selfish maybe, but he's not evil.

Come on, guys!

Uh, shh! Here comes somebody.

Oh, great.

Is the operating room ready?

Ja, doctor.

Good. Surgery will provide the only

permanent brainwashing
for Professor Schnitzler.

Everything ready?
Huh?

Ja, doctor.

Eh, gloves, forceps.

Cotton.

Yes, of course, it's cotton, Bruno.

Hurry, hurry.

Who are you?

What do you mean?
What do you-who are we?

I'm a doctor. Who do you think,
I'm a plumber?

I beg your pardon, doctor.

It's alright.

My gloves.

Well, it never hurts
to be sanitary, doctor.

Let's examine the patient.
Uh, let's see, uh, here.

Alright, I am ready, eh?

What do you mean you're ready?
This is my patient.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
He's my patient.

Do you really think I'd leave
him in the hands of a quack?

Quack?!

Oh, these ambulance chasers;
they're everywhere.

Now see here!

Wait a minute.
I'm a reasonable man.

We'll cut cards for him.

Yeah, you lose.

Ha ha ha ha ha.
Now, let's see.

The hip bone's connected
to the ankle bone.

The ankle bone's connected
to the... wait a minute.

If the shoulder bones
connected to the...

Bruno, the oxygen.

Ja, doctor.

Okay. Here goes nothing.

Wait a minute-

Shh!

You look very nervous, doctor.

Nervous? Don't be silly.
Look at how slowly I'm twitching.

Suture.

Suture.

Sponge.

Sponge.

Knife.

Knife.

Oh! Try it again or you'll
never learn. Knife.

Knife.

Peanut butter.

Peanut butter.

No, he is my patient.

What do you mean
your-it's-it's my patient.

Says right here on
the menu: "My patient".

Bruno, enough of this.

I am not leaving without my patient.

No.

Your pa-

It's my patient!
Let go of my patient!

Hey, I'm getting dizzy, man.

Ah! It's those musicians.

I'm Not Your Steppin' Stone

I'm Not Your Steppin' Stone

You're making your mark in society

Using all the tricks that you used on me

All them high fashion magazines

The clothes you're wearin',
girl, are causing public scenes

I'm Not Your Steppin' Stone

I'm Not Your Steppin' Stone

Not your steppin' stone

Not your steppin' stone

I met you, girl, you
didn't have no shoes

Now you're walking
'round like you're front page news

You've been awful,
careful 'bout the friends you choose

But, you won't have my name
in your book of who's who

I'm Not Your Steppin' Stone

I'm Not Your Steppin' Stone

Not your steppin' stone

Not your steppin' stone

Not your steppin' stone

Not your steppin' stone
Not your steppin' stone

Not your steppin' stone

Not your steppin' stone
Not your steppin' stone

Dear boys, you saved my life.
Thank you.

Oh, well, it was nothing.

Well, you know, it was,
it was something.

And as for you, Doctor Marcovich,
for helping America's enemies,

you should undoubtedly get
twenty years from a federal judge.

And not only that,
but-not only that,

but you'll probably get a good
wrist slapping from the AMA.

And thus, will it always
end for men who use

their knowledge of medicine
for evil and badness.

Come, my trusty cohorts.
Let us to the Monkeemobile. Away!

Away!

Doctor, uh, I-I have this tonsil
hanging out, sore throat...

Peter, I said, "Away"!