01x29 - Monkees Get Out More Dirt

[bunniefuu]

Hey, somebody get the phone!
Will somebody please-

Hello? Oh.

Hey guys, that could have
been a very important call;

somebody might have been
calling up to give us a job.

Look guys, we got to talk
about this whole thing.

What's up, Mike?

Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye, and
everything else that goes with it.

Whereas we have not had a job in
three or four weeks, right?

- Right.
- Right.

And whereas, uh,
there's got to be somebody

in this world that wants the
use of our talents, right?

Right.

And whereas nobody answers the phone,

and nobody's ever here even if
somebody did call for a job,

we should get an answering
service, right?

Right.

Okay, fine. I got the number for

this answering service
out of the phone book,

and we'll just call 'em up.

I mean, you never know how many
new things are going to open up

for you when there's somebody
always there to answer your phone.

You can get jobs and millions of things.
There's always somebody there.

Morning, noon, and night.
Twenty-four hours a day.

They're right there on
the job and never fail.

Well?

Well, there's, there's no answer.

Here we come
Walkin' down the street

We get the funniest looks from
Ev'ry one we meet

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
And people say we monkey around

But we're too busy singing
To put anybody down

We're just tryin' to be friendly
Come and watch us sing and play

We're the young generation
And we've got something to say

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
You never know where we'll be found

So you better get ready,

We may be comin' to your town

The Monkees brought
to you by Kellogg's

K-E double L, O double good,

Kellogg's best to you

Well, um, that's our problem, you see.

We'd like to use your answering
service, except, uh-

Well, we're a little short of cash.

Yeah, about that short.

Could you possibly give us a,
a cut rate or something?

See because, as soon as we get a job,
w-we'll pay you the full amount.

Did you boys say you
was looking for a job?

Well, why didn't you say so? You!
You know how to work a telephone?

Yes, yes, I do. Hello? Hello?
This one's broken.

Boys, I'll make you a deal.
You stay here and take care of my phones,

I'll pay you the regular salary,

and I'll throw in the service free.

What do you say?
Do you want to take the job?

No, thank you.

Wait a minute,
will you please? Huh.

No, we can't, you see,
because we're musicians.

Great! You can listen
to the dial tone. Ha!

She's crazy.
Let's get out of here.

Hey, wait a minute.
Where you going?

Uh, well, we're going
to talk it over. Huh.

Talk, talk.
What's to talk about?

Don't you realize the
chance I'm giving you?

You can be the warm heart
of this cruel world.

In the cold world, there are men-

whose very existence depends on us in

the answering service and
you can be part of it.

This city will be in your fingers.

Come, answer their phones.

How can we turn that down?

I don't want to be a m*rder*r.

We'll do it.
We'll do it. Anything!

Good! Oh, I forgot to mention.

In bringing all this warmth
and happiness to the world,

don't get involved with the clients.

Well, which one of you
is on the first shift?

- Me!
- I'll do it! I'll do it!

Hold it! Wait a minute.
Let's, uh, decide this democratically.

We'll choose fingers.

Yes, I choose that one.
Ooh, I won! I won.

That means that I've got
the city in my fingertips.

How come Mike always wins?

He has six fingers on that hand.

Hey, Mike. We'll relieve you
in a couple of hours, alright?

- Goodbye, Mrs. Drehdal.
- Bye-bye.

- Bye.
- Bye, boys.

Well, so I go to work.
Oh, this is gonna be fun.

Walls and ceilings and
everything and phones,

a veritable sea of telephones,
just multi-colored communicators...

Oh, you'll love it here. Oh yeah.

I mean, just keep in touch and
work and, and love your job. I-

You'll have a swell time here.

It's a wonderful place
you've got here.

Well, now that you boys
are joining the firm,

I can go to Jamaica with a free mind.

Jamaica?!

That's right, honey.

W-w-w-wait a minute! You haven't told
me how to handle any of this stuff.

Why, nothing could be easier!
The phone rings,

ding-a-ling-a-ling, you plug
it in the hole, you answer it,

you write down the message,
when the client calls in,

you give him the message.
What could be easier?

Going to Jamaica.

Wuh, huh, hold it!

Yeah?

I just noticed this red button
here on the wall,

the button here that is on
the wall, that is red.

What's it for?

Push it if you get tired.
Bye-bye, honey.

Bye.

Well, Monkees are notoriously curious;
I'll just push it now.

Hold it, Mrs.
D-there's a bed in the wall.

Oh, I see, if you get tired,
there's a little bed there.

Oh, that's very funny.
Push it and...

there it goes.
Oh, that's clever.

Huh.

Hello? Hello? Hello? Hold it. Hello?

How do you tell which one's
ringing? Hello? Hello?

Hello there. How do you-hello?
Hello? Hello?

Yes. Oh. Urgent
Answering Service.

I had to speak to someone;
I just can't go on.

I'm so terribly alone.

Uh, alone? Um, hold on just
a second. Hello?

Yes, this is Mr. Farfel's-yes,
this is. Mm-hm.

No, he's not in right now.
Can I take a message?

What do you mean
it's none of my business?

Now then, w-what were
you saying, honey?

I just can't go on.
I had to speak to someone.

I'm so terribly alone,
so completely alone.

Wait, w-wait a minute.
Who is this message for?

Who is it for? It's for
the whole rotten world.

The whole rotten world?
No, I'm sorry;

they are not listed-uh,
hold on a second. Hello?

Hello?

No, I'm sorry. You must have a wrong number;
we don't have a telephone. Hello?

Where'd you go? Hello?

Yeah, now wait a minute.
What were you saying?

I just can't go on.

Well-

I'm going to end it all and
don't try and stop me.

No, don't do it, don't do it.
Don't, don't do it, please!

Don't do-wait, wait, wait, stop!

- Hello?
- Hello, where are-

- Where are you?
- Please, can you hear me?

Hello?

- What's with all this ringing?
- Are you there?

Don't do it. Are you there?
Don't do it. Don't. Don't do it.

Ah, he's a sick man.
Sick boy. Yes.

Rub his wrists.

See if you can hear his heartbeat.

I don't hear anything.

Conference, doctors. I'm afraid we're
going to have to take drastic measures.

- Not!
- Yes.

Ah!

Don't do that.

Congratulations, doctors.
A successful operation.

Urgent Answering Service, don't do it.

Oh, alright. We won't do it.
What's he talking about?

That girl.
She's going to end it all.

- What girl?
- On the phone.

I don't see any girl on
the phone. Do you see any-

We've got to get to
her before it's too late.

What's her name?
What's her name?

I don't know her, uh, yellow phone
wire to the... in there. She's in there!

She must be awful skinny.

That's number one forty-six.

One forty-six?
Quick, let's check the files.

Which one?

One forty-seven.

It's not here, Mike!

- We can't find it, Mike.
- I know it's not there; it's here.

Oh.

Ellen Farnsby, four-five-five-four
Blimp Street.

Ha, that's it! Let's go, Micky.
I hope we're not too late.

Hey, wait a minute.

Hey, fellas, maybe you'd
better stick around here.

Yeah, you're not supposed to
get involved with the clients.

Wuh, that-no time for that.
It's a matter of life and death.

Yeah.

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Where's my hat?

It was-can I have my hat, please?
Hat, please. Come on. Thank you, babe.

Where'd you get that?

From the wardrobe. Come on, let's go.
It's a matter of life and death.

Hey, you know, this is gonna
be great, staying around here.

It's quiet and everything.
Fancy getting paid for nothing.

Ha ha ha ha.

Hey. Hey, what's this?
"Mr. Smith, call Zelda Baby.

Love, love, love. Urgent."
Did Smith call in for this message?

No, why?

I'd better deliver it;
it might be urgent.

Oh. Hey, wait, wait.
Don't-Davy.

- Uh, hello. Are you Mr. Smith?
- Yeah. What do you want?

I've got a message here
for you. It says here,

"Call Zelda Baby.
Love, love, love. Urgent."

But I don't know any Zelda Baby;
it must be a mistake.

A mistake, huh?
I'll "Zelda Baby"-

- Miss Farnsby?
- Ellen?

- Miss Farnsby?
- Ellen Farnsby?

Ellen Farnsby?
Ellen Farn-oh!

Miss Farnsby?

Ooh-woo! Would you
look at this stuff?

Boy, it's nice to see
a girl with a hobby.

I hope we're not too late.

She's not here!

Look at this note. It says,
"It's no use going on. It's all over."

You think that's something?
Look at this note.

It says, "It's no use going on.
It's all over."

I think she's trying
to tell us something.

Her datebook. She says she's
supposed to be at the theater today.

I had to speak to someone.
I can't take any more of this cold city.

Oh, Ellen, that was great,
great, great!

You must have been
rehearsing an awful lot.

Well, I've been living the part;

I've been rehearsing with
my answering service.

Yes, yes, yes! Now, remember:
this is a woman about to give it all up.

Suffer, suffer, suffer. Keep rehearsing.
Live the part. Live, live, live!

I shall, I shall, I shall!

Hello? Urgent An-answering Fer, uh,
serv, uh, ferven, uh, fervor is our,

uh, service is our bi-uh, business is our,
fingers in the city, uh... hello?

This is Manny Spink,
the theatrical booking agent. Yeah.

I've got a little act to place.
Uh-huh. Tell Freddy when

he calls that I've got a
booking for The Popsicles.

The Popsicles?

That's right;
they're a vocal group.

Okay.

Tell 'em they go on the third.

Go on third.

And I can get them
ten thousand dollars.

Pay them ten thousand dollars.

Got that?

I'll give 'em the message.

- Good.
- Good.

Thank you very much.

Gee, Manny, you must be some kind of
genius to have figured out this scheme.

Imagine, placing
gambling bets through

an answering service
without their knowing it.

Mmm, that's right, Arnold.
All I do is pretend that

the horses are vocal groups,
and I'm a booking agent.

With all the crazy names
singing groups have these days,

who'd ever suspect? Ha ha!

It's a cruel world.
I can't stand it anymore. I can't-

Pardon me, please, sir!
Pardon me, sir, uh-

Yes, yes, yes?

Well, we're looking for
a Miss Ellen Farnsby.

We have reason to
believe that she's here.

Yes, yes, yes.
She just departed.

What?!

For her apartment.

Oh. Well, uh, how was
she acting, you know?

How was she acting?

Yeah, was she-

She was nervous,
tense, depressed,

like she wanted to end it all.
Good, good, good, good!

Oh, nervous, tense, depressed.
Ha, she's okay.

Sure. We'd better get
to her apartment fast.

Hey, wait, wait;
I've gotta relieve Peter.

Oh, Peter can wait, man.

Uh, on second thought,
maybe you better go relieve Peter.

Right.

A-ha. Bye.

Yes?

Are you Ellen Farnsby?

Jeffrey!

Oh, I'm not Jeffrey. Uh, I'm, uh,
I'm the Urgent Answering Service,

you see, and, uh, well, you hadn't
called to pick up any of your messages,

so I thought that I'd come
over and see if maybe your phone

was out of order or
something like that.

My phone's alright.
There's never any messages for me;

no one cares if I live or die.

No-no messages? Are you kidding?
Of course there's messages.

They're all over the office.
I have them here.

There are millions of messages
all for Ellen Farnsby just piled up.

Here's one right here.
It says, "Stop on the way home and pick up

some pickles and lettuce
and peanut butter-"

Oh!

Uh, no, wait a minute,
I mean, it says, uh, yeah, it says,

"Dear Ellen. We need you,
we love you. The city wants you.

Don't be depressed.
Don't be unhappy."

Um, but they, they didn't leave a name.

Stop, stop, stop.
It's too late for all that.

There's nothing left.

But, wait a minute, wait a minute.

No! Uh, we, uh, don't want
any condors flying in here.

What are they?

Well, it's a, it's a California state bird.
You know, woo, wah!

Ah!

- Wait, wait.
- Farewell!

- No!
- Give me the knife!

- Um, no, well, I need it.
- What for?

- I want to use it on the condors.
- The what?

The condors. Big bird,
you know, big beak and wak wak.

- Poison is faster.
- Wait!

- Wait, Jeffrey!
- I'm not Jeffrey!

Wait! Oh, Jeffrey.
I'm done all my fighting,

and it's time to act.
It's time to end it all. Farewell!

Oh!

Hello? It's for you.

Hello?

How's the girl?

Oh, she's fine. I, uh, kept her
from jumping out the window,

and stabbing herself,
and, uh, taking poison.

Well, as long as it's not serious-

- you'd better get down here.
- Why? What's wrong?

- Peter's missing.
- Missing?

- Did you look on the piano?
- What did he say?

He said, "Did you look on the piano?"

- There's no piano here.
- There's no piano here.

Oh, well, then that's
why he's missing.

- He said th-
- Piano?

It's for you.

Oh. Hello?

For my last wish, will you help me?

Oh, sure. You mean, you're going
to tie this to the chandelier,

and then you're gonna
stand on the chair,

and then you're gonna, pwop,
kick the chair out from under you.

How'd you guess?

Well, I read a lot. Oh look,
Ellen, let's talk about this.

- Peter?
- Peter?

- Peter? Peter?
- Peter?

Peter?

Ah!

Peter? Come out, come out,
wherever you are.

Hey, do you think
there's been foul play?

I don't know; I didn't even
see the game, a-ha ha. Peter? Peter?

- Peter?
- Peter?

- Hey, Peter?
- Peter? Hey!

- What?
- A red button.

- Shall I push it?
- Push it! Push it!

- Is he alive?
- Was he ever? Huh.

- Peter?
- Peter?

Hm? Where am I?

- You're right here.
- Where's here?

The answering service.

Urgent Answering Service.
Who's calling?

Peter, it's Micky and David.

Davy and Micky? They're not here.
Can I take a message?

Peter, Peter! Wake up!

Huh? Oh, hi guys.
Hey, there was just a call for you.

Thanks.

Peter, what happened?

I don't know; I just
pushed this red button.

- Which red button?
- That one in there.

The little one?

That red button over here? Woo!
This red button over here?

That's right.

Peter? Peter?

Now, look. I know things
get kinda bleak sometimes,

a-and it looks like the whole world
is just running around in circles.

It's no use! People are cruel,
and people are heartless.

Oh, cruel world!
Heartless world!

Alright now, keep your hands up high.
Now, let's talk turkey.

Gobble, gobble, gobble,
gobble, gobble.

What's this all about?

What's this all about?
Did you hear that, Arnold?

Bright boy wants to know
what this is all about.

Yeah, I heard.

It's all about the ten G's
that was supposed to

be placed on Popsicle in
the third race at Belmont.

You mean you've been using this
answering service for placing bets?

Oh, there's another bright boy.
This place is full of bright boys.

Thank you!

You're welcome.

What's the beef? Didn't the
message get delivered?

Sure it did.
But somehow or other,

the ten thousand buck
bet was switched from

Popsicle to Pelican,
and Popsicle won!

That's the most ridiculous thing
I've ever heard in me life.

Why would anybody want to
change a bet like that?

Well, I thought, I didn't know
it was a, a racehorse,

I thought it was a
booking for a gig, and,

and I gave it to The Pelicans
'cause I knew they needed the work.

You have a good heart, Pete.

Yeah? And I may stop it.

Promise me one thing.

Anything, as long as it hurts.

Promise me you won't
do anything 'til tomorrow.

I promise, I promise, I promise!

Okay, you promise,
you promise, you promise.

Oh, cruel world!

Because of you, bright boy, instead
of me winning a hundred grand,

I lose ten thousand. So, somebody
in this room owes me ninety thousand bucks.

Oh!

Is that all you're worried about?
Oh, see that? We have money right here.

- Sure, here, wait a minute.
- ...got here...

Seventy-seven. Uh, I figure about
eight dollars and twelve cents.

Two buttons; that ought
to be worth a nickel.

Yeah, you'll have to wait for the rest.

Keep your hands up high!
And no monkey business,

if you'll excuse the expression.

Ha ha, huh.

Excuse me, I have to get to the phone.
Phone's ringing. Excuse me.

If you'll just let me right through
here between your two shoulders,

I can just get right to the phone.

Excuse me, please.
Pardon me. Come on.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

The phone is ringing, guys.
Can't you hear?

Urgent Answering Ser-oh,
we missed her!

Popsicle, Belmont,
ninety thousand dollars.

Well, you win some and you lose some.
I guess I'll just-

- Hold it, buddy.
- Huh?

Where do you think you're going?

Well, as a matter of fact,
I was going to the dentist.

I have this molar with a
cavity at the very back.

If you look close, you can see it.

It's the old dentist bit.

- Oh.
- Get back there.

Okay, you. I want to talk
to you. Come over here.

Explain to my wife that
that was a mistake;

you gave me the wrong message.

No, it wasn't;
it was the right message.

Oh, it's true?
Why you-

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait.

These men here, they're gamblers,

and they've been using this
place to place their bets.

- Gamblers?
- No, no, no.

Look out, here comes tomorrow

That's when I'll have to choose

How I wish I could borrow

Someone else's shoes

Mary, oh what a sweet girl

Lips like strawberry pie

Sandra, the long
hair and pig tails

Can't make up my mind

I see all kinds of sorrow

Wish I only loved one

Look out, here comes tomorrow

Oh, how I wish tomorrow
would never come

Told them both
that I loved them

Said it, and it was true

But I can't have both of them

Don't know what to do

I see all kinds of sorrow

Wish I only loved one

Look out, here comes tomorrow

Oh, how I wish tomorrow
would never come

Mary
I love you

Sandra
I love you

Well, I see all kinds of sorrow

Wish I only loved one

Look out, here comes tomorrow

Oh, how I wish tomorrow
would never come

I love you

Darling

I love you

Uh, Mrs. Smith?

Yes?

I really don't think that
message was for your husband;

I think it was for another
Mr. Smith on our service.

You sure?

I'm positive.

I always knew you were
innocent, poopsie.

Officer.

Thanks, boys.

It's our pleasure, Mr. Poopsie.

Mr. Poopsie?

It was the man. Congratulations
for a job well done.

Hey, what happened to that girl?

Oh, well, through my clever
manipulation of her heartstrings and,

uh, my masculinity and
my persuasiveness, she-

Jumped out the window?

No, she promised she wouldn't
do anything until tomorrow.

Then she jumps out the window.

You know, Mike? I think you were
kind of hooked on that girl.

Well, how could I help it?

I mean, she was so sad and weak
and depressed and pathetic and poor.

Oh, she was very, very poor.

Darling!

Miss Farnsby!

Oh, darling. Darling,
darling, darling.

I just had to come to thank you;
I owe you so much.

Oh, well, you know,
I don't need anything really.

I save girls' lives every day.

Just jump in the morning,
do calisthenics, and save girls' lives.

- That's a part of my ritual.
- Saving my life? No, darling.

I mean, helping me
rehearse my part.

Your, your part?

Yes, darling. A part in the play.
I was brilliant.

When my name is in lights,
I'll send you a free picture. Ta ta-ta.

Well, thank you.

Hey, hey, do you believe that?
She was acting all the time.

Well, you know what I always say.

What?

Behind every dark cloud,
there's usually rain.

Well, we got something
to be thankful for anyway.

What's that?

Well, imagine what
would have happened if

we'd gotten involved
with any of the clients.