01x01 - Archie's New Partner: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

Operator, why did you
cut me off?

My party had me on hold.

Oh...

I'm telling you,
Archie don't know

what he's letting
himself in for.

Does he ever?

He's gonna go broke

but he ain't taking me with him.

What would you do if he goes
through with it, Harry?

Who knows?
Maybe retire.

Harry, you got a dime?

The operator wants
another dime. I ran out.

Right with you, Mr. Klein.

He's a man who wants
to take this whole thing
off my hands.

Like I said to my lawyer,
Levy the hold,

when your partner
wants to go off the deep end,

there's no living with them.

And if you go along with them,

there's no living with yourself.

- Murray: Harry, Harry, come on.
- - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Make sure you talk only
to Levy, Mr. Klein.

He knows all the ins and outs.

Well, I had him on the phone
but he put me on hold.

That's why they call him
Levy the hold.

Archie:
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

great news, great news.

I'd just come from talking
to Swanson, the contractor.

The Norwegian?

Yeah, boozer, I know,

but, uh, what the hell?

The more he drinks,
the lower his estimates.

And look at old pepper
face here.

Geez. Hey, he's gonna give
us bargain rates

and all the work we're gonna
have done here, you know?

I told him how we're gonna
break through that wall

into the rest
of it next door and...

No, Mr. Van Ranseleer,

that wall over there.

And how we're gonna cut
a family entrance down there,

you know,
so the innocent women
and children

don't have to be exposed

to the "flonsom"
and "jonsom" at the bar.

I keep telling you, if you go
through with this, I'm out.

Archie:
What are you talking about?

- Harry, it's gonna be terrific here.
- - I can't hear you.

- There's a lot
of noise going on.
- I got to go get our papers

- and permits.
- What? What?

Oh, there you are.

Listen, Levy, I tell you what.

You get the things together
and I'll be right over.

Okay with you?

Good. Thank you. Bye-bye.

Ah.

Hello?

Yes, operator,
I completed my call.

Yes, I got my dime back.

Thank you very much.

What? Oh, no.

I'm sorry.

- I can't return it.
- Tell you what,

if you give me your name
and your address,

I'll be happy to mail it to you.

You, too.

I got him.

Barney:
I'd like to shake
your hand, sir.

Anybody that can give the shaft
to the phone company

is my kind of guy.

- Klein, Murray Klein.
- Yeah.

I've seen you around
but we've never met.

Murray is an old
neighborhood boy.

I know your father
and your grandfather.

- That's right.
- Barney Hefner is the name.

Oh, you any relation
to Hugh Hefner?

No, but we share some
of the same interests.

What do you do, Mr. Klein?

Well, I've been
in nearly everything.

I've been in car rentals

and I've been in insurance.

I've been in restaurant supply.

And now, I'm gonna be
in the john.

Hey, not bad.

He left me a buck tip.

Listen.

Big deal.

How come you never
leave me nothing?

Mr. Van Ranseleer,
how much is a buck worth today?

About a dime.

Oh, okay.

Here's your buck tip.

Put my drinks on the tab,
will you, Harry?

I'm running a little late.

I'm sorry, Arch.

Run into a person.

Don't you know that you could

raise a growth there, huh?

I told you I was sorry,
didn't I?

Where did I hurt you? There?

No, don't touch it.

Come on, you could raise all
over "pantosians" or something.

Here's where you touch me.

Will you get out of the way?

- I'm in a hurry.
- Oh, he's in a hurry.

Hey, free drinks for everybody.

Oh, well, I got a little time.

Come, hurry.

Big deal, free drinks
for everybody.

We only got two customers.

That's the best time to holler
"free drinks for everybody."

Van:
Arch, last time
you bought me

a drink was when Nixon
got elected.

Archie:
Well, I always like to buy

free drinks on happy
occasions like that.

My God. Is he running again?

Nah, never no more.

Well, hey,

we all turned on the poor man.

You're out of paper towels.

Hey, watch what
you're doing, buddy,

huh, you're dripping
all over the joint.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Well, when you can plainly see

there ain't no more
paper towels,

don't wash.

There isn't any toilet
paper either.

Well.

I'm going over to see Levy.

Thanks for putting me
on to this.

Hey, don't run off,
Mr. Klein.

Archie's offering a free drink.

Hey, hey, hey, Harry.

Don't be... don't be yelling that

to the world, uh, will you?

Free drinks is for regulars.

You've seen me around
here before, Archie.

Yeah, yeah, I know that

but, uh, I mean,
you got to admit

that you people are...

Youse ain't famous
for big spending over a bar.

And where the hell
is youse all going, huh?

What's the matter?
Did I say something?

Oh, God, you can't open
your mouth nowadays.

Listen, buddy,
no intents offended there.

Wait a minute.

My intents is very offended.

Now just what were you saying,

that Jews are cheap?

Hmm?

Well, let me put it this way.

Careful, Arch.

I can remember when Murray
was in the Golden Gloves.

No kidding?

No kidding.

Did you win?

Uh, yeah. Well, um,

what I mean is, uh...

Hey, Scotchman is much worse.

That's for the drink.

That's for you.

What was that?

Nothing, nothing,

I'm looking at the wall here.

I think you can take him, Arch.

All you need
is a little road work.

Oh, cut it out there.

Always the right ways
at the right time.

Oh, come on, come on.

Shut up and drink up there, huh?

What are we drinking to, Arch?

We are drinking to

that we just took an option
on a restaurant

"premeseries" next door.

We?

We.

If we includes you and me,

include me out.

I don't wanna own a restaurant.

You ain't gonna own
a restaurant.

You're gonna own
half a restaurant.

I said no over and over

but you don't hear me.

What do we know
about running a restaurant?

What the hell is there to know?

You'll hire a cook for in there.

A waiter for out here,

a Puerto Rican for all over,

and the money starts rolling in.

Yeah. Eighty percent
of restaurants die.

How come nothing's ever
made it next door?

The Kosherama Chinese Deli
didn't make it.

Flo's Falafel folded,

Suzy's Sashimi Shack
didn't last a month.

That is because
none of them people

serve nothing unusual.

What food's unusual nowadays?

American.

Hi, Uncle Archie.

Archie:
Come on. What are you
doing in here?

Every time
she comes in here,
you say that.

Why do you always yell at her?

I'm raising her.

I'm supposed
to show an interest.

- Hello, Harry.
- Hello, Stephanie.

Aunt Edith told me to ask

if I can have a pair
of roller skates.

Sure you can.

What are you asking him for?

I like to hear a yes
from someone

before I hear a no from you.

Don't be so smart.

Maybe you wasn't gonna hear
no "no" from me.

Was I gonna hear "yes yes"?

Well, how are you gonna know
unless you ask me?

Well, Jess's is having
a skate sale.

- When?
- It started yesterday and it...

Oh, well, all right, that was
yesterday so you missed it.

Hey, hey, put that down.

Now, don't be a disgrace.

Now, get out of here.
If you ain't out of here

by the time I count to three...

What?

I'll hit you with a left hook
and a right cross.

One, two,

three, four...

I passed three.

If I had skates,
I would've be out by three.

Bye, Harry. Bye, Barney.

Bye, Mr. Van Ranseleer.

Goodbye, little sweetheart.

See what kids pick up
in school today?

They brighten up
everybody's day, Arch.

Yeah, especially mine.

Oh, come on, come on, Harry.

The restaurant
is gonna be beautiful.

I don't wanna hear about it.

Well, you're gonna
hear about it.

This ain't for you, Barney.

Now, come over here.
Come over here.

Now, let me tell you
something here in private.

Now, listen.

Listen to me.

I already signed the papers.

You already signed the papers?

Signed the papers, yes.

Okay, Arch.

If that's the way it's gonna be,

I'm getting out.

I'm selling my half.

Wait, wait. Wait!

What do you mean
you're selling your half?

What do you... to who?

- Well, not to you.
- You ain't got 25,000 bucks.

How the hell do you know
that I ain't got $25,000?

You ain't supposed to hear this.

Is that why you're whispering?

Let me tell you something.
I happen to be in very
good standing

with a certain fine lady
down at the bank.

And what are you talking
about, 25,000 bucks?

You only put in 20.

Well, I want five more.

What? Twenty-five grand?

That's out of question.

I tell you what, we'll
split the difference, 24.

Since when is 24

the difference
between 20 and 25?

Since I raised my price to 28.

Oh.

Oh, well...
Well that's different.

Then we got a deal.

Arch, you drive a hard bargain.

Oh.

This guy thinks
I'm some kind of a dope.

Yeah.

Be

Beca

becaus

because

because of

because of t

because of the

because of the r

because of the rec

because of the recen

because of the recent

because of the recent re

because of the recent reap

because of the recent reappr

because of the recent reapprai

because of the recent reappraisa

because
of the recent reappraisals

of the said properties,

we can consider increasing
the loans in question

but only at seventy percent
of the amounts applied for

and at a one and a half percent
additional interest.

Margaret Watson, Vice President
in loan department,

copies to Mr. Deneen
and Mr. Folk.

Wow.

Sit down, Mr. Bunker.

Yeah. Thank you very much.

You know there's nothing
I enjoy more than, uh,

listening to an intelligent
woman talk.

Uh, you know, I mean,

if I didn't know
you're the miss...

What do you call them?

I would think that
you was Barbara Walters,

uh, you were sitting behind
a curtain or something.

Uh, so, you're still the...

Yes, I'm still the loan officer.

I hope you approve.

Oh, hey, I love it.

I love it.

Hey, it's high time you people

started getting inside work.

Enough pleasantries,
Mr. Bunker.

What can I do for you?

Oh, well, uh, first, uh,

let me spread out
my documentaries

in front of you here. Ey?

Now, uh, I wanna expand

into the restaurant business.

I've got to bust into
the store next door,

by which, I mean
the adjacent store.

I'm gonna make a fortune.

Uh, do you mind if I smoke?

No.

You wouldn't have a cigar,
would you?

Sorry.

Nothing by the other one?

No. What else
can I do for you?

Well, uh, I need a loan.

See, but my partner
is a problem.

He's scared to go along with me.

Oh. So you wanna borrow
the buying-out money?

Yeah. Ey, like old

JP Rockefeller once said,

"When opportunity knocks, son,

you better not be in the can."

I never heard that.

Well, only the Arabs
ever listen to that old man.

Anyway, I only need
about 24,000.

Let's see.

In October of 1977,

you borrowed $20,000

using your residence
for collateral.

And now you owe us $19,724.50.

Yeah, I seen that.

You know, God,

after paying off so much money

over the last two years

and still to owe that much...

I can't quite grasp that.

Well, most of it has gone
towards the interest.

That's robbery.

That's business.

You knocked on our door,
Mr. Bunker,

and we were not in the can.

Now, well, uh...

Do we have to talk
about that loan?

Because... I mean,
what I want is a new loan.

Fine. Have you any collateral?

My liquor license.

According to the alcoholic
beverage control law,

section 114, article 3,

no license shall be pledged

or deposited
as collateral security

for any loan.

Mr. Bunker, I'm afraid
a new loan is not possible.

Geez.

Why the hell is it
in this country,

when you got to borrow money,

you first got to prove
you don't need none.

I supposed we got the Democrats
to thank for that too.

Well, what the hell
am I gonna do?

Why don't you go to your partner

and ask him to sell you
his share,

on say, a five year note.

Pay him a little
more than bank interest,

maybe he'll accommodate you.

Try and be nice about it.

Oh, hey, if you knew me,
you'd know

I always try to be nice
about everything.

But it's this partner
of mine, you know,

I can't do business with him

because he's like a child.

Oh, oh, it's my bad.

- It's all right.
- I'll take it.

Okay. Oh.

Uh, I didn't touch
nothing, did I?

Well, uh,

thank you very much, there,

uh, miss so and so.

You're a very nice lady
and a very smart lady.

And, uh, whilst I was with you,

I sincerely hope
I didn't say nothing
to offend you.

Now, why would that worry you?

Oh, it don't. That's just
something my old man told me

to say whenever taking
leave of "minorority" people.

He didn't want you to be rude.

No, never.

And he didn't want me
to get hit in the back

in the head
with a brick neither.

God...

Oh, hi, Arch.

Oh, hi there,
Mr. Van Ranseleer.

- Hey, Harry.
- Harry, you know.

I started out for the bank

but then, you know,
I had to stop.

I had to think it all over.

I said to myself,
"This ain't fair to Harry,"

you know, busting up
your career like this.

But it ain't fair to myself

because the last two years
of our partnership,

they've been the happiest
two years of my life.

So I say to myself,
"Why throw two years
of friendship

right down the toilet?"

They wouldn't give you
the money, huh?

What are you doing now?

I'm calling Levy.

- Your lawyer?
- Yeah.

I sent him a buyer.

I wanna tell him
he can close the deal.

Oh, no.

You ain't gonna
tell him nothing.

I can tell him anything I wanna.

It's my half and I'm dumping it.

Hello, Levy.
Yeah, I'll hold.

You can't sell without
my legal approval.

- Says who?
- Says me.

Look at our contract.

It says either one
of us can sell out.

Oh, you rat.

You wrote that
in to the fine print, huh?

No. You wrote it in yourself

in great big print.

When I first see it, I thought
my granddaughter put it in.

Hello, Levy.

Harry from the bar.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Are you sure, Harry?

Okay, if you say so.

All right. Goodbye.

Deal?

Levy:
Yes. It's settled.

Harry definitely
wants to sell it to you.

That's terrific.

Oh, boy.

But my advice, Mr. Klein,

is for you
to buy out Bunker too.

Look, you don't
understand, Levy.

In the first place,
I can't handle this alone,

and in the second place,
this business is good

because of him.

Listen, Klein, I admit

that Archie's place
is making money.

- Right.
- And when it includes

a little restaurant,
it'll make more.

And I also think that Harry
is a jerk to sell.

That's why I am smart to buy.

Now, I tell you
what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna get my bank book.

We are going
to the First National

and pick up
a certified check. Hmm?

But Klein,
what do you know
about Bunker?

- What's to know?
- The man needs a partner,

that's good enough for me.

But you, he doesn't need.

Klein, listen.

Bunker is an anti-Semite.

So is the manager
of my supermarket,

so is my mechanic.

I still have to eat
and I still have to drive.

Yeah, but a partnership,
it's like a marriage.

Would you marry someone
who looked down on you?

I did.

You married an anti-Semite?

No, she was Jewish

but she looked down
on me anyway.

Thank you, Mr. Levy.

I get it, Klein.

You're one of those kinky types

who insists on looking for pain.

No, Levy. I'm one
of those kinky types

who refuses to look for pain.

Oh, God.

That was Harry,
Mr. Van Ranseleer.

Oh.

What do you think
of this guy, huh?

Ain't he a lulu, huh?

At the years of friendliness,

and fondlyness, and camaraderie

and he turns on me there.

Sells me out.

He's a traitor there.
He's the worst... Hey.

Who was the worst
traitors in history?

Brutus, Judas,

Iago, Quisling.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Them, them, them,

I remember them.

Hey, you.

Remember Brutus, Judas,
Iago, and Quisling?

Your lawyers?

No...

you dumb man.

So who the hell are they?

They was traitors,

but you're worse than them.

And they was the Chicago infield

who threw the 1919 World Series.