Barney:
♪ K
Barney:
♪ Kee
Barney:
♪ Keep
Barney:
♪ Keep yo
Barney:
♪ Keep your
Barney:
♪ Keep your s
Barney:
♪ Keep your sun
Barney:
♪ Keep your sunny
Barney:
♪ Keep your sunny s
Barney:
♪ Keep your sunny sid
Barney:
♪ Keep your sunny side
Barney:
♪ Keep your sunny side up
Hey, Barney.
Hey. Hey, Arch.
Hey, I'm glad I caught you, kid.
Listen, this is your lucky day.
I'm gonna make you rich.
- Could you make me rich tonight?
- I'm a little late for work.
No, wait a minute.
Cut that out a minute.
- Come here, sit down.
- All right.
I wanna talk to you.
When you hear the offer
I'm gonna make you
you'll wanna
kiss your job goodbye.
What the hell are you doing?
Drinking beer for breakfast?
Uh-hmm.
Coffee keeps me awake
on the job.
What's on your mind?
Barney,
I want you to take
Harry's place at the bar,
I want you to be my partner.
Why me?
Because I need a partner.
I don't want some creep
I don't know, I want you.
Ha! I'm very flattered, Arch.
But I think you better call
somebody else.
I already called everybody else.
Come in with me, Barney.
A half interest
will only cost you 24 thou.
Hey, that sounds like
a pretty good deal.
Yeah!
But I don't think
I have quite that much
in my savings
and checking account.
Well, how much you got, kid?
A hundred and twelve dollars.
What the hell did you do
with all your money?
I've told you a hundred times...
- Blanche blew it.
- Blanche blew it.
You know that.
- But wait a minute.
- Wait a minute.
All ain't lost, Barney.
Why don't you just
mortgage this dump?
- What?
- -Your home, beautiful home.
No, it's a dump,
but Blanche loves it.
If Blanche loves it so much,
why the hell does she always
run away from it?
Because she loves
the TV repairman more.
Look out.
Put that out of your mind,
huh, Barney?
All we could do now
is wish them both well.
I do,
I do.
I just wish he'd
straightened out the TV picture
before they left.
Oh, God,
didn't he even
do that for you?
No.
And now every time
I see a horizontal roll,
I think of Blanche.
Barney, come on, please,
I ain't got no time here.
Give me an answer.
No. And that's final.
- What kind of a pal are you?
- Hmm.
And I thought you and me
was tight.
I thought we was close
like Abercrombie and Fritz or...
Come on, Arch.
- Don't be sore.
- Oh, gee.
Hey, how about some bacon
and beer, huh?
Oh, God.
Yeah, give me some.
There you go, pal.
Help yourself.
There you go.
I'm gonna give you
the recipe for this.
It's very good.
Goodbye, Tante Gussie.
And goodbye, my mama.
- Where are you running?
- I got an appointment, Ma.
Did I hear you packing
a bag inside, huh?
No, no, no, nothing.
- I'm not leaving.
- You're not leaving?
- No.
- Good. Come, sit down.
All right.
Just a minute.
Oh.
No, I'm not leaving today.
The painters
are leaving my house Tuesday.
Did I hear you looking
for something inside?
Yes, and I found it.
Stamps?
No, Mama.
- Check?
- No, Mama.
- Cash?
- No.
Your bankbook, huh?
Mama, I am about to make
a big move.
Don't get married.
No, no, no, not that.
I am going back into business.
- Thanks God.
- Uh-hmm.
What kind of business?
Well,
Mama,
you remember when I was
a little kid, don't you?
Hmm? Remember when I gave up
that paper route
and I went out onto the beach
and I was selling
fudgesicles and popsicles
and Dixie Cups, you know,
- you remember that?
- Uh-hmm.
I used to like to be
around people, you know,
made them happy, made me happy.
I just loved selling
that ice cream.
You're gonna sell
ice cream again?
No, Mama.
Booze.
Booze?
- I heard that.
- Tante Gussie,
now, don't you think
that's a good idea?
Booze?
Easy...
it's just a neighborhood
bar and grill.
We're gonna have
a nice little restaurant.
Booze?
Booze is for bums.
What are you talking about?
There was always booze
in this house.
Don't you talk about
your father like that.
Your father, God bless him,
he had an enlarged heart.
My father, God bless him,
had a five-foot liver.
Mama, this is gonna be
a wonderful business,
and the best part is that
I can walk to work
from my house.
You hear? I can walk.
I taught him to walk.
He's telling me he can walk.
I heard that.
I heard that.
You can also walk to the river.
Do you have to jump in?
Mama, a man is waiting for me.
Bye-bye.
Is that the way
for a son to leave a mother?
Ma.
Tante Gussie is a stranger?
Tante.
Goodbye, girls. I don't wanna
be late for this appointment.
Don't wait up for me, Ma, okay?
Okay, okay,
so the outside
could stand a little paint,
otherwise, the joint looks
in pretty good shape.
Levy, come here.
Over there
is where Bunker
wants a breakthrough
- for the new restaurant.
- Uh-huh.
- Hiya, gents.
- Ah, how are you?
I still don't understand
why you're giving up
such a good thing.
Because I don't know food,
I know booze.
So what's the big difference?
Did you ever try ordering
a turkey sandwich?
Sit down, Levy.
No point delaying this.
If Harry's ready to sign,
I am ready to pay.
- I'm ready to sign.
- Good.
Just show me where.
I had to be
perfectly honest
with this man, Harry.
I told him Bunker's
a very hard man
to get along with.
Listen,
I get along with everybody.
You wouldn't believe
my last partner.
He though that Nixon
should still be president.
After a guy like that,
Archie Bunker's got to be
a breath of fresh air.
If not fresh,
at least familiar.
Sign?
And, Harry,
here's the check.
Twenty-four thousand bucks, huh?
Hey.
Drinks for everybody.
- Man 1: Yay.
- Man 2: Hey.
- h*-h*.
- Congratulations.
Well, Klein,
what can I say,
but mazel tov.
Come on, have a drink with us.
No, not just now, thanks.
I left a client on hold.
Oh.
- Thank you.
- Goodbye, Klein.
So long Harry, good luck.
Hey, goodbye,
Mr. Levy, thanks.
And here's a nice
little martini for you,
Mr. Klein.
- Thank you.
- Well, here's good luck.
Well, cheers to our future, huh?
Here's looking at you.
Mmm...
Harry, you know that you are
the finest bartender in Queens.
I try.
You know, I think
that you ought to stay on
and work for us.
Sorry, Mr. Klein,
there's nothing in this world
could keep me from retiring,
nothing.
How much salary
did you take for yourself?
Tips aside, I took 200 a week.
You got three.
I just came back
out of retirement.
Well, I'm here to tell you
that after the events of today,
I can only call myself a dope,
a real dope.
- Yeah.
- Hey! Hey!
Shut up.
Instead of cultivating
the finer people in this world,
I spent my whole life
surrounding myself
with dead beats.
Oh, I don't mean you,
Mr. Van Ranseleer.
Listen,
is there any money
in your family?
Was.
I drank it.
Look at you,
dirty ashtrays on the bar,
puddles all over here,
and you stand there
chewing the fat
with Rocky III here.
I wasn't chewing the fat.
I was conducting some business.
Archie:
Ah!
Harry:
This here gentleman
is your new partner.
My what?
He just bought
my half of the business.
Klein,
Murray Klein.
Well, this here is worser
than Pearl Harbor.
This, Harry, is a day
that will live
in infancy.
I said the name is Klein.
Oh, I'll get to you in a minute.
Selling out to this guy
behind me behind my back.
What a lousy trick
to pull on me.
If you think I pulled
a lousy trick on you,
think of what I'd done to him.
Yeah.
Drink your drink there
and converse amongst yourself.
All right now, we better just
sit down and straighten
this whole thing out, Cone.
Klein.
Whatever.
- Partners?
- Yes, partners.
But what the hell do you know
about running a saloon?
- It's a business.
- I can handle it.
But you don't know nothing
about it.
You don't know
the kind of work we do here.
Why, the hours alone there
could wreck a marriage.
I'm not married.
Oh, you're not married.
Not anymore and never again.
Oh, well, do you...
Are you living with somebody?
Right now
with my mother and my aunt.
Ah, whoop-de-do.
You got a girlfriend?
No.
But now, uh,
not that it matters to me,
you know.
I'm one of them
live and let live guys,
but would you,
by any chance,
be a f*g?
Would you believe a simple no?
That wasn't no simple no.
Well, there's only one way
to find out.
How?
Kiss me.
If I like it,
you have your answer.
If you like it,
I know why you asked.
What the hell
are you still doing here?
Shouldn't you be checking in
on some unemployment line?
I'm staying on as bartender.
Who says so?
Your new partner.
You took him on
without consulting with me?
Harry's got a big following.
Do you feel crowded in here?
Archie, I have seen
this place at nights,
I've seen it on weekends.
Harry is good.
And if the restaurant is good,
we'll be crowded all the time.
I got to get some bottles, Arch.
Would you hop behind the bar?
Why don't you hop
behind a nervous horse?
Don't be telling me what to do.
I'm a boss, you're a worker.
What do you want from in there?
Two rye, two vodka.
Well then I'll get it for you
and you get back
where you belong.
Now, I ain't got no time to...
What do you call it...
Bandage words with you
because I got my work to do.
- Now what do you want in here?
- I wanna see the stock.
You stay the hell away
from the stock.
Now, listen partner,
half of it's mine.
You ain't my partner.
I'm afraid I am.
And I've got some paper
right here to prove it.
Paper don't make a partnership,
a partner's in here.
Well, why don't you start
using what's in there?
Listen to me, Bunker,
I'm the only one
who believes in you.
I am the only one
who wants to do
what you wanna do.
I am the only one
who is willing to bet
his bankroll on you.
Now you need me.
You need me, Bunker.
Without me, you're nothing.
You'll never have a restaurant,
you'll never be able to get one.
And if you don't see that,
brother,
you are one
prize-winning meathead.
Where did you ever
hear that word?
It's what my old man
used to call me when
I didn't make any sense.
Sit down, will you, huh?
Just a minute here.
Now what?
Well,
okay.
Maybe to you,
I seem like...
a meathead,
but I think I make sense.
Now...
I don't want you for a partner.
But what's more important,
you ain't never
gonna want me for a partner.
What are you talking about?
I'm only trying to tell you,
you heard what Harry said
out there.
I, uh,
I seem to bother people.
Oh. I haven't noticed.
Well,
neither have I,
but that's what people tell me
so there must be
a little truth in it.
All right. How?
Well, it's other people, Murray.
See,
they... they're doing
the wrong things
or they're thinking
the wrong things,
and I try to straighten them out
and that bothers them.
Wouldn't bother me.
Oh, oh, Murray,
jeez, in your case,
it'd be much worse than them
because you're Jewish.
- Ah.
- -Don't go reaching for the Golden Gloves again.
I'm only trying to say that,
that you'd go nuts with me
because you could never learn
nothing from me.
And if I try
to straighten you out
on any of the major problems
of life,
I mean, we are so different
you probably wouldn't know
what I was talking about.
And I know that I wouldn't know
what I was talking about.
Hmm.
But that's the way
it's always been
down through the ages, you see?
As between Gentile and Jew...
Uh... Jew and...
Whatever, you know what I mean.
Yeah.
I just mean it's always been...
some guy like me...
making no sense at all
to a guy like you.
Sad history.
Oh, very sad, but very true.
And that's why
even today everywhere,
you see Jews
walking away from Gentiles,
and shaking their heads,
looking sad,
saying, "Oy vey ist mir."
That means,
"What the hell did I just hear?"
But you know that.
So...
so what you're saying
is that we don't have
a chance, right?
Oh, a Jew and a Gentile
ain't got a Chinaman's chance.
Oh, thanks.
I know, believe me.
I know there's a wall
between us.
I'm not saying that
we put it there,
but you don't think...
that between us
we should try to knock it down?
I don't know, Murray.
I can't... I can't...
I can't do it.
I mean, it's... that there is...
That's work for the angels.
And there ain't no more
angels down here.
Hmm.
Okay.
Okay.
I'll try to get ahold of Levy
and work out
a deal for us, okay?
I guess there must be
some way that you can,
you know, buy me out.
Oh, oh, jeez, Murray, I hope so.
I hope so.
Yeah, you asked me
if we could work on that,
and, oh, jeez,
look at this over here
behind you,
will you look at this?
Now, hey,
there's Harry
for you, huh?
There's the guy
that you hired back
for me, see?
This is his job,
take all these empties
down to the alley
and put it way out there
by the street, you know?
- He does nothing.
- He leaves me to do the whole thing.
Come on, I'll give you a hand.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- Hey, no, no.
You don't touch that.
Hey, you ain't a partner.
This here is my work.
Why don't you call Levy
right now
on the phone there, Murray, huh?
You go call him,
right from there.
Do that.
Huh.
Oh. Hey.
Little girl.
It's a saloon.
No minors allowed.
- I'm not a minor.
- I'm Archie Bunker's niece.
Oh.
He just stepped outside.
He'll be right back.
Just tell him I got the skates.
- Aunt Edith bought them.
- Okay, I'll tell him.
Tell him they were $80.
Eighty dollars
for roller skates?
- It's okay.
- We charged them. Bye.
Hey, wait, wait, wait.
Now, let me ask you something.
That.
Why are you wearing
the Star of David?
I'm Jewish.
You are his niece?
It's a long story.
But you know what he had to do?
Join the temple
so I could go
to Sunday school.
He's still steaming about that
because it costs a lot more
than roller skates.
Did he buy you that?
Sure.
Well, I've got one, too.
There it is.
I bet he didn't buy you yours.
No, I got that
from my grandmother
a long time ago.
- It's pretty.
- Uh-hmm.
- I got to go.
- Tell uncle Archie I couldn't wait.
Okay. Listen,
hey, come here.
Roll back.
- What's your name?
- Stephanie. What's yours?
Murray.
I'm Archie's new partner.
Uh-oh.
What do you mean?
I can give you some good advice.
I'm ready.
Don't ever show him your star.
Bye.
Jeez, my back is broke
carrying that box.
Did you call up Levy?
- Yeah.
- Oh, jeez, he put you on hold?
- Oh, no.
- We had a nice talk.
- Yeah?
- Well, what'd he say?
Well, he said he'd be able
to work something out, you know.
Take a little while
to draw up a note
for the time, terms,
you know, things like that.
Oh, yeah.
But the sooner the better, huh?
- Sooner the better.
- Yeah.
Well, I got to heft out
the other box here, huh?
Well, look,
let me give you a hand
as long as I'm not busy.
Take Levy a little time
to fix up some papers there,
might as well
make myself useful.
Oh, what do you mean by that?
Well, I'm a partner
until I'm not a partner.
Hold it, hold it, hold it,
hold it just a minute.
Uh, you're, uh, um, uh...
- No, no, no, no.
- No, no.
Let's just put it this way, huh?
Until you ain't a partner,
you're only a partner.
Fine.
Well, in that case
you can help me out.
- Grab one end there.
- There you go.
This is the best thing,
Murray, because you and me,
we couldn't be friends
in a million years,
you know?
Murray:
Oh, two million.
- Archie: Oh, a billion.
-Murray: Yeah.
Split the difference.
Archie:
We'll split
the difference then.
Two and a half million, huh?
Easy, Murray,
don't drive me
into the wall, huh?
Murray:
Watch out for the cat. Oh!
Archie: What cat? -
Archie: Ohh! -
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