01x04 - Archie and the Oldest Profession

[bunniefuu]

- Here's your pretzels.
- Oh.

Hit us again with two more
scotches, will you?

I'll hit you with pleasure.

Only don't hit me too hard
because I get weak in the knees

and when I get weak
in the knees,

I get too generous.

That is so cute, Dotty.

You know, Harry,

she's in and out of here a lot.

Every day.

More.

Hey, what could be more
than every day?

Three or four times a day.

So then he says to her,

let's get out of
the wheat fields,
sweetheart.

We're going against the grain.

She's a got a nice way with her.

- She makes guys feel good.
- Murray: I can see that.

- So he says to her...
- She brightens up the place.

She's good for business.

Ours or hers?

Ours is all I'm supposed
to worry about.

Hey, hey, hey, everybody.
How are you?

Oh, how are you,
Mrs. What Do You Call It?

Hi, Harry.

- Murray: Nice day, Arch.
- Hi ya, Murray.

How do you say there,
Mr. Van Ranseleer?

- Hi, Arch.
- - Here, I brought you "The Inquirer" to read.

It's the only paper
nowadays that tells you
the truth about anything.

It says Fidel Castro
made a secret visit

to a hospital in Miami.

- What's the matter with him?
- Exclusive interview.

He wants a sex change
so he can dance in nightclubs.

Oh, who's next?

Well, well, well,
it ain't bad here
for so early in the evening.

I count two, four, six,

seven first-string boozers
on the premises.

Plus one beer drinker.

Oh, no, you finally went wrong,
Mr. Van R.

There ain't a beer drinker
here in sight.

Oh, he's in there, huh?

You're a wonder, you know that?

You would've become
our third blind president.

Who were the first two?

Any two democrats
you care to mention.

Hey, Harry, you can
take your dinner break
whenever you want.

- Well, thanks, Arch.
- I'll take it now.

Everybody's paid up except
Dotty Wertz and her friend.

Check. Uh-huh.

Hey, welcome back.

You got room
for another one now, huh?

Fill her up.

How are you doing
over there, Dotty?

Just looking at you, Archie.

And right back at you, kiddo.

That's a real cute kid
over there, Dotty.

- Listen, Arch.
- Yeah, what?

Tell me about Dotty.

Dotty? Dotty's one of
our celebrities in here.

Celebrity? How?

Oh, hey.

Third runner-up Ms. Ronkonkoma
in 1960s summer.

That's a real high-class lady.

Well, I don't mean, uh,
upper high-class,

but I'd certainly say

lower upper high-class.

I mean, nothing lower than that,

if you know what I mean.

You mean a hooker? -

- Here, Murray.
- This should take care of it.

- Thank you. Some change.
- Archie, it's not good-bye,

it's only...

- au revoir.
- Arrivederci.

Hey, Dotty, why didn't
you drink your drinks?

Oh, well, Walter here
decided he can't wait.

What the hell is he, a savage?

I hope not.

Well, so long for now, everyone.

Till we meet again.

Yeah, uh, have a good time.

- I'm sure they will.
- Hey.

That's some cute kid there.

That cute kid
is in business, Arch.

- No. No.
- Yes. Yes.

- No.
- You wanna bet?

No.

Archie, you gotta face it.

- What do you mean "face it"?
- Why?

Because we are the owners
of this establishment.

That's why.

All right, she comes in,
she meets a guy,

she sits down and to
have a couple of drinks,

couple of smiles,
a little chitter-chatter,

pay the bill, and get up,
and they go home.

Whose home, his or hers?

Who cares?

Does that make any difference?

- Mr. Van Ranseleer,
can you hear me?
- Uh-huh.

Does that make
any difference whose home?

Atmosphere changes technique,

but results remain the same.

Ain't he an intelligent guy?

Pleasure to listen to him.

Every time he opens his mouth,
out pops a fortune cookie.

Archie, listen to me.

Stop running away from me.

I think maybe we ought
to keep her out of here.

She could give the place
a bad name.

What about the guys
who pick her up?

Gonna keep them out, too?

Maybe we should.

Maybe you got holes
in your head.

It's the dame that's
in business, not the guys.

Ahh.

So, now, you finally
admitted it, huh?

Dotty is in business, right?

Murray, Murray,
let me tell you something.

Her business
ain't no business of ours.

Right. And our business
is the only business

that should be going on here.

Gee, you'd never caught wise

if you haven't been
watching her all the time.

Why are you watching her
all the time?

I knew, I knew from the first,
first glance, I knew.

Oh, what are you,
some kind of expert on hookers?

- Look, I know what I know.
- So do you.

Don't tell me what I know.

Didn't you tell me that when
you were overseas in Italy...

Hold it, hold it.
Now, hold it.

Now don't pretend to know

on soldiers serving overseas.

God will forgive
a soldier for doing that

in defense of his country.

You know what people
will start saying

if they haven't started
saying it already.

What?

If these two guys let a hooker

operate from their place,

they must be getting
something from it.

Oh, come on, people ain't
never gonna think...

Look, Archie.

I am not a reformer.

I don't wanna give the lady
any problems.

But we got a lot invested
in this place.

And I personally
want people to call me

"saloonkeeper."

I want people to call me

"restaurateur."

I don't want them
to call me "madam."

How about you?

Oh, gee, you know, she's, uh...

she's an awful nice lady,

even if she is a hooker.

Huh, she's been
very pleasant to me.

Helps me cross the street
now and then.

She's even a seeing-eye hooker.

Well...

it's your problem, Arch.

I'm your partner.

But the sign on that window says

"Archie Bunker's Place."

You ever think of that?

What the hell
are you doing in here?

I like it when
Aunt Edith works late,

I get to eat here.

Well, you want me to send out
for another hamburger?

How about pepperoni pizza?

No.

Pepperoni holds back pubescence.

- Drink your milk.
- Here's mud in your eye.

That is so unclassy.

You've been hanging around
the saloon too much.

Now, finish up,

I'll have Harry walk you home.

You promised to help me
with my homework.

- Oh, God, did I?
- Yes.

All right. All right.
Come on.

You have to hurry it up, though.

I got an awful lot of work
to do here.

Put your face in your book.

- Don't be looking.
- Don't be looking.

Let's get started here.

- Multiple choice.
- So hard.

- The capital of California is?
- I forgot that.

Wait a minute.
You have three choices.

- All right.
- Go ahead. Go ahead.

A, San Francisco, B, Sacramento,

or C, Los Angeles.

Well, write down "yes" there.

Yes, what?

Yes means that you are sure

it's definitely one of them.

But which one?

San Francisco, Sacramento,

or Los Angeles?

Sacramento.

Are you sure?

When you're stuck,
you always pick the middle one.

Go ahead, write it down.

- Is that it?
- No.

Well, what else?

Which is the smallest state
in the union?

A, Vermont, B, Texas,

or C, Rhode Island.

Uh-huh, now, that's an easy one.

I'll show you a way
that you'll never forget

the answer to that one

by this lovely little poem.

Rhode Island
is the smallest state

in all our noble 48.

That poem's no good anymore.

What's the matter with it?

We have 50 states now
with Hawaii and Alaska.

Well, all right,
but Rhode Island is still

- littler than them last two, ain't it?
- -Yeah.

Then why do you wanna junk
a beautiful poem for?

Excuse me.
I got to get something.

- Yeah. Go ahead, Murray.
- Oh, go on.

Answer the next one
by yourself, huh?

Even if you get it wrong.

Hey, Archie.

You know, I've been
thinking a lot about

what we said about that cutie...

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

- About that certain party.
- Better, better.

And I have decided to let it go.

I don't wanna put myself
in the position of telling
people what to do.

What cutie?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Write "Rhode Island" there.

I already wrote it.

Well, write it twice.

You get a higher mark.

Go outside now.

I don't know why the hell
they give girls so much
homework anyway.

No guy is ever gonna ask you
to show them that.

What's this I just heard?

Oh, last night, I was
turning Dotty over in my mind.

Boy, you got a dirty mind.

It sounds to me like you're
the one with the dirty mind.

You're the one
who was turning her over.

I didn't touch her.

Wait a minute.

What are you talking about?

I changed my mind.

I don't think
we should throw her out.

I'm with you.

No, you ain't with me.

I changed my mind.

And we're gonna throw her out.

I wanna drop it.

I wanna pick it up.

I don't wanna play God.

- You don't have to.
- I'll do that.

I don't want you
telling me what to do.

I'm a partner.
I'm telling you.

I'm telling you!

The sign on that
front window there says

"Archie Bunker's Place."

Did you ever think of that?

You know something, Arch.

You got a hell of a nerve
worrying about your reputation.

Hey, if I don't worry about it,
who the hell is gonna?

Where do you come up
putting your reputation

over somebody else's
right to live?

Listen to this right to live.

I only wanna kick her out.
I don't wanna bump her off.

Hi, everybody.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Hey.-

Well, I'm gonna do
what I got to do.

Wait, you were right
in the first place, Arch.

She's a very nice girl.

Oh, no.

You was right
in the first place.

She ain't a very nice girl,

because if she was a nice girl,

she wouldn't be, what you
call selling her flavors.

She'd be giving them away.

Well...

giving away is legal.

The Supreme Court allows that

so long as neither party
don't make a fire in the room.

I'll tell you
who the phony is, you.

You wanna kick her out
but you let Ace Washington

the Fence come in here.

Peace and love there, Ace.

Nobody ever pin nothing on Ace.

That's why even the cops

call him Ace.

Now, don't ever call
a man a fence.

What do you call someone
who deals in hot stuff?

Until the cops snap
the bracelets on the man,

I will personally refer to him

as a wholesaler.

Arch.

Don't bother us, huh.

I've even seen Mario Nardone

standing right here at this bar.

He's one lad,

a nice man, a nice way with him,

nice smile.

He's a nice mafia button man.

I don't care.

I like the guy.

Hey, Arch.

What the hell do you want?

Look.

Dotty: Oh, Stephanie,
I know the answer

to this question, it's simple.

The seventh wonder
of the world is...

- Stephanie.
- What?

Finish your homework
in the backroom.

It stinks back there.

She's right.

Listen, honey, why don't you hop
up in a box and open the window?

- It's worse when the window's open.
- -Why?

That's how the cat gets in.

All right.

I hope you'll pardon
my, uh, back here

and, uh, you pardon
the rest of me.

Uh, Stephanie, uh,

I would like to have
a moment alone with Dotty here.

Would, uh, would you do me
that favor, little darling?

- No.
- Get in there!

Get in there!

And don't come out no more.

You got to yell at them
when they're little

or when they grow up,
they won't come to visit you.

Oh.

Uh, did anybody
take your drink order?

No, and I'd like
a tall scotch with water.

Oh, you got it, you got it.

Uh, Harry, a tall scotch
with water over here, huh.

Yeah.

And a double bourbon for me.

Double bourbon?

Do what you're told.

Uh, Dotty, seeing as this chair

ain't as spoke for as yet, uh,

- would you mind if I sat down?
- I wish you would, Archie.

Oh, yeah.
Thanks very much.

Uh, what I wanted to do is, uh,

the, uh...

Well, uh...

Something on your mind, Archie?

Uh, on my mind, don't be silly.

Uh, I mean,
there's something up there,

all right, but it ain't much.

Uh, what I mean is that

I got something to tell you...

and it ain't gonna be easy...

because you're gonna feel
awful about it...

but I, uh...

I want you to meet my partner.

- Oh, Archie.
- Why didn't you say so?

- Bring him over.
- I'd like to meet him.

- He's kind of cute.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, he's very intelligent.

- He's a Jewish guy.
- Oh.

Uh, Murray.

Hey, Murray.

Over here a minute, please, huh?

Uh, Dotty Wertz, Murray Klein.

- Hello. Hello.
- Hello.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.

Yeah.

- All right.
- That's enough for that.

- You all right, Murray?
- You look worried.

Oh, that's normal with him.

That's another thing
with Jewish guys.

Oh.

You look just like
a friend of mine.

He was over
at my apartment last night.

He had that same look
on his face...

Swallowed a button of mine.

I once swallowed a button.

Hey, hey, hey!

Will you get out of here?!

I wanna stay and listen.

You are gonna listen
to the sound of that

and you know what.

I got to help the child
with the homework.

Well, is it, um,
Ms. or Mrs.?

- It's Dotty.
- Why don't you sit down?

Thank you.

- You married?
- Uh, not at the moment.

- No. Kids?
- Uh, girl. She's married.

Oh, that's nice.

- Tall scotch and water.
- Oh.

I guess Archie
don't need this double...

I do.

Oh, please, please.
This is on the house.

Oh, thank you very much.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Uh, Dotty, I...

Dotty, I, um,

- I wonder if I could...
- Shh.

What? -

Uh, no.

I wanna discuss
something with you.

- Oh.
- It's a problem.

Oh, well, listen.

- I hear problems all the time.
- Uh-huh.

- This is a business problem.
- Good. I hear a lot
of those, too.

Mm-hmm.

Dotty, supposing, um...

supposing you had
a business, legit.

Uh, yeah.

And supposing somebody
was to use your store

for another business,

not legit.

You mean like me?

No. Oh, no.

Yeah.

Listen, Dotty,

Archie and me, we got a problem.

Hey, uh,

your voices
are carrying in there.

Everybody in the place
stopped talking.

Hey, all of yous, talk.

Uh, you were saying, um...

I was saying, Dotty,

I was saying that...

you can't come around
here anymore.

We don't want any part of it.

And we don't want
people to think

that we have any part of it.

Oh, uh, I wondered,

just for curiosity,

what would be your weekly gross?

Archie.

Will you lay off?

Why don't you finish
the kid's homework?

- He can't.
- He doesn't know any more.

Will you get out of here?

And that's it.

Hits you that hard, huh?

You're not a bit interested
in these other ladies here

what they do when they leave
with their gents, huh?

Oh, well, come on.

Dotty, I mean,
these other ladies, uh,

they ain't like you.

I mean, uh,

they don't come to do that here.

Oh, Archie,
I don't it here either.

Oh, God forbid.

But, uh...

them other ladies,
uh, they, uh...

they don't get paid.

Well...

there's all kinds of pay.

Somebody gives,

somebody gets.

You ask your wife.

Dotty.

- Listen.
- Oh, no.

- I...
- Don't worry, boys.

Don't worry.

- You get your wish.
- I'm gonna leave.

I just, um...

I just wanna thank you

for being so nice about it.

Bye, Dotty.

Oh, hey.

Good-bye, kiddo.
Give me a hug.

Thanks for helping me
with my homework.

Oh, that was my pleasure.

I think I remember the answer
to that question you asked me.

The seventh wonder of
the world is the Sphinx.

- Are you sure?
- 'Cause my Uncle Archie said something different.

- Oh, yeah?
- What did he say?

King Kong.

Well...

I guess your Uncle Archie
is the boss.

Good-bye.

Oh, I feel terrible.

- So do I.
- Ah, shut up.

So do I.

And shush you.

What do you feel terrible about?

Only done what you had to do.

Ah, we could've
let her stay here.

You know, we just make-believe
that we didn't see what
was happening.

What's a hooker?

Harry, will you take
this kid home?

All right, Stephanie,
let's go home.

I already know what that is.

You know,
the trouble with you is

you're one of them do-gooder,

bleeding heart liberals.

Once in a blue moon,

you do something
that makes sense

and then you feel guilty
about it.

I think I'm gonna
send her some flowers.

Well, hey.

That's a good idea.

Now, that'll fix everything up.

And you can put my name
on the card.

- Do you know where she lives?
- Yeah, someplace around here.

Around the corner,
over the travel agency.

Well, he may be blind
but he ain't paralyzed.