Okay.
Here I come,
ready or not.
Not. I haven't finished.
Oh, that's all right.
Oh, watch out,
you'll burn your face.
Mmm. What is this?
Oh, celery,
onions, and mushrooms,
and spices.
I mean, the brown lumps.
Oh, that's liver and gizzard.
Urgh.
Oh, it's delicious.
Here. Try.
Oh.
- Why do you put them in?
- Mmm.
Mmm! 'Cause it's good
and Gloria loves it this way.
Gloria?
You're gonna send this
all the way to California?
No. She's gonna
eat it here.
Oh,
I didn't mean to tell you that.
Tell me what?
Gloria, and Mike,
and Joey are coming
tonight for Thanksgiving.
Neat.
Let's not tell Uncle Archie
'cause it's a secret.
I won't.
I don't know
little girls ain't too good
at keeping secrets.
Neither are big girls.
Yeah. Hmm.
Stephanie:
How long are they staying?
Oh, I don't know.
I guess until Mike
finds a new job.
Oh,
I did it again.
Another secret, huh?
Please.
Let's not tell Uncle Archie.
Okay.
Uncle Archie said that Meathead
couldn't hold a job.
He said he couldn't even find
his belt with both hands.
He can too.
You shouldn't repeat
everything Uncle Archie says.
- I didn't.
- I cleaned it up.
How did he lose his job?
He got fired.
Why?
He marched in one of them...
what do you call... a protest.
He got arrested.
Let's not tell Uncle Archie.
I won't.
Why was he arrested
for marching?
He wasn't exactly
dressed for it.
How was he dressed?
He wasn't.
He wasn't what?
Dressed.
You mean he was naked?
Don't say that.
Why not?
Because I don't wanna hear it.
I have a good idea.
- What?
- Let's not tell Uncle Archie.
Oh, jeez...
Oh...
would you listen
to this guy over here?
Come on, Barney.
Can't you pull
yourself together?
Why is it that I always miss
Blanche most at Thanksgiving?
Because Blanche is a turkey.
I wish I was dead.
Oh, jeez.
What a terrible thing
to say at Thanksgiving.
You know,
there are more suicides
during the holidays
than at any other time?
- Hey.
- Don't encourage him.
Oh, hey Barney. Hey, huh?
No funerals
this weekend, will you?
All your friends
got other plans.
Boy, what a cruel thing
to say to your old pal.
I'm only saying,
don't do it now.
You'll get another chance.
Christmas is coming.
Christmas!
Why is he still crying?
He's doing
his Christmas sobbing early.
Hey, Arch,
you know,
I got no place to go tomorrow,
especially.
Oh. Hey. Hey.
Don't give me that, Barney,
because for once in a blue moon,
we're having a quiet
Thanksgiving at home.
It's just Edith, and me,
and Stephanie.
You're rotten.
I can't help it.
Listen,
why don't you
come over here
and watch football
with me and my girl,
- what do you say?
- Hey, thanks Murray.
Barney.
- Barney: Yeah?
- Barney. Listen,
after the game,
why don't you come over
to my house for dinner.
The wife's roasting a goose.
She got the recipe from Blanche.
Oh, boy.
You know, I really
love Blanche's goose.
Blanche's goose
is what you got, too.
Why did you start on him again?
Hi, Edith. I'm home.
- Hi, Archie!
- Archie! Uncle Archie!
Uncle Archie!
Hey!
Hey, hey, Edith,
oh, oh my God,
don't you know it's red dogs
like that ruined Joe Namath?
Ah!
I thought you was gonna warn her
about the dangers of doing that?
What are you
so excited about, huh?
Are you on a sugar high?
The turkey, it weighs 20 pounds.
Twenty pounds?
Why do you need
a big bird like that for?
It's only her, me, and you.
Oh. Well some...
I...
What the hell is that?
Oh.
I bet I know who else is coming.
Who?
You went and you invited
a few of them "distoibos"
from the Hoo-Hoo Hotel
you work at.
Oh,
I never thought of that.
That would've been nice.
No, it wouldn't.
We would've been eating Turkey
with rubber spoons.
Come on, Stephie.
We got to finish cooking.
Wait a minute. Wait.
Why ain't youse two
racing for the door?
Both:
We're busy.
Something is up here.
Oh, don't tell me
that... Edith!
If this is one
of your relatives from Jersey,
I'm gonna open a vein.
Who is it?
My name is Capt. Spaulding,
the African Explorer.
Did someone call me Schnorrer,
hooray, hooray, hooray.
This is a gala day,
and a gala day
is enough for any man.
Say the secret word,
you win a free Thanksgiving
guest for dinner.
It's a common word. You used
to find it around the house
all the time.
Meathead?
That's the secret word, Archie.
Congratulations.
What the hell
are you doing here?
- It's only for the weekend.
- Where's the little monster?
- Hey, look who's here.
- Uncle Mike.
Hey Stephanie. How are you?
Nice to see you.
Ma. Oh, it's so good
to see you.
- Oh, hey.
- What a surprise.
Hey, wait a minute.
Where's Gloria?
Well, she had to stay
with little Joey.
You can't leave
a four year-old kid alone.
You could've bring 'em with you.
Gee! Why didn't I think of that?
Well, it's too late.-
- Listen, Arch.
- Do me a favor will you?
My suitcase
is on the front porch,
will you get it for me?
Go on! Go get your own bag.
Bag? You're talking
about the woman I love.
Is that you Gloria?
Hey. Oh.
Look who's here.
- Oh.
- Hey. Hey Joey,
you gonna give Grandpa a kiss?
No.
Archie:
Oh, hey. Hey,
listen, yeah, Mike.
Hey. You got to train the kid
the minute he sees his grandpa,
to come up and give him
a kiss, you know.
I think the child
has hated me too long.
Arch, he loves you.
Well, but still.
Oh.
Oh, Daddy's chair.
Oh. Gloria,
Ma's elephant.
Hello, Mr. Elephant.
And what did
Mr. Elephant always say?
Yay!
- Gloria: Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!
- - It's so good to be back.
What a surprise.
- What a nice surprise.
- It's nice to see you.
Really, nice to see you.
Hey! Ain't that terrific
that you can bring
your whole family home
for Thanksgiving?
You must be getting to be
a big shot out there.
Oh, big, very big.
My daddy had his picture
in the newspaper.
- Michael: Shh! Oh, son, son.
- Oh, Daddy.
It's so wonderful to see you.
Hey. Why is this, uh,
I heard the child say
you had your picture
in the paper,
then why don't you
send us a clipping?
Well, uh...
It wasn't Michael's best side.
That's it.
Yeah. But I would've
recognized him,
wouldn't I?
Well, yeah, but,
it's a little over-exposed.
Hey, Arch.
Good to see you.
My daddy was naked.
This is useless
without the knobs.
I can't tune that set
without the knobs.
What do you want me to do?
Joey,
I can't do nothing unless
you give me back the knobs.
Won't you tell grandpa
what you've done with the knobs?
No.
Don't you want Grandpa
to watch the football game?
No.
Don't you wanna watch
the football game?
I don't want him watching
the football game.
It's a violent sport.
You know how many kids
get serious injuries
playing football?
If you wanna be
a red-blooded American,
you got to get serious injuries.
So what are you saying,
he has to play football?
Well, what do you
want him to do,
take ballet lessons?
If he wants to.
- Why not?
- Shut up.
You know what he'll turn into,
if he does that, now.
Look at him with the doll.
He's got one foot
in the closet already.
Give me back the doll.
- Michael: Joey.
- Come over here and sit with Daddy.
Give him back his truck.
Don't jump.
Now, a truck.
Now that's a real toy for men.
So, I'm gonna talk
to you man-to-man:
give me back them knobs
and that's a direct order.
God. Where did he learn
that low habit?
How am I gonna punish this kid?
Don't go to his dance recital.
Dinner is almost ready.
Michael:
Oh, great. Honey,
bring that stuff over here.
I'm starving.
I haven't eaten a thing all day.
What?
What about four eggs
and half a pound of bacon,
three waffles
with boysenberry syrup?
Wasn't that breakfast?
I didn't have any toast.
Holy cow.
- Gloria: Come on, honey.
- Would you help me?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Joey, why don't you
sit here, by Grandpa?
I'm gonna help Mommy
in the kitchen.
Now, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
Gloria, Gloria, please,
please don't make
your husband do women's work.
I don't mind.
I ain't saying it for you.
I'm saying it
for the child here.
I wanna teach him what a man is.
God, it's a losing battle,
he's got the doll again.
Give me the doll, huh, Joe?
No.
Look at the big bug
flying past, there.
Give me that.
Arch, what is a man anyway?
Someone who sits
in the chair all day
while his wife's
in the kitchen slaving?
No, a man can help his wife
in the kitchen, now and then,
but not on special,
traditional days
like Thanksgiving.
He's only gonna help me
carry out the turkey.
Archie:
But that's the whole point
of the thing there,
little dummy.
That's woman's work.
Ah!
You learned that from
your little mama, huh?
Thanksgiving is a holiday
for women, too.
Oh, come on. I know that.
I'm only saying a woman
is supposed to celebrate it
by putting a meal on the table
all by themselves.
Oh?
Well, yeah.
Don't you know nothing about
the history of the country,
the history of Thanksgiving
and about the first turkey?
Yeah, they told it in school.
Yeah, well,
I'll tell you the real story.
When the pilgrim fathers,
when they seen the first
Thanksgiving
coming up on the calendar,
you know,
they said, "We ought to have
something special to eat."
So they sent this guy,
Myles Sandwich, out there
to find something.
And he was the guy
that brung back the turkey.
Now, he first wanted a buffalo,
see, but the buffalos
all went west,
and then he would've
went for a horse,
but the horse is too fast,
he couldn't catch a horse.
And he would've picked
some other bird,
but then all the other birds,
they could fly.
So he looked around him
and seen a turkey
standing there.
Turkey couldn't run,
the turkey couldn't fly,
so he said,
"We'll eat this dumbbell."
Grabbed ahold of the turkey,
strangled it,
brung it home to the women,
they done the rest.
Did they stuff it with gizzards?
No. As I recall,
they used, uh, corn.
Because corn let them know
when the turkey was cooked.
How?
Well, see, the corn swells up,
then it explodes,
blows the rear end
out of the bird...
Michael:
Here's the turkey!
Come on everybody, let's eat.
Oh, it looks great.
All right, all right.
Michael:
There you go, Joey.
Sit here next, Daddy.
- Oh, boy. Oh.
- Oh.
All right now, before we begin...
Before we begin,
now I hope everybody
takes and opportunity...
before everybody
digs in here...
I mean, don't you think
we all ought to say,
on Thanksgiving,
what we're thankful for?
Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
Well, if it's such a good idea,
why don't you open your mouth?
Oh, oh, sure.
Well, I'm thankful
that the whole family
is together.
Now, Stephie, you tell.
I'm thankful for Aunt Edith
and Uncle Archie.
Ain't that sweet?
You get a dollar for that.
Now, it's your turn, Archie.
Well, I was gonna say, Edith,
just what you said,
but then you just said it.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, you always got
to jump in so fast.
All I can add to that
is that I'm glad
they got here safe
and I didn't have to spring
for the airfares.
Oh...
Now, Gloria, how about you?
Oh, I'm thankful that we could
all spend Thanksgiving together
and that Joey's having
such a good time
with his grandpa,
aren't you, Joe?
No.
That's my boy. Let's eat.
Oh, wait a minute.
- Wait a minute.
- Wait, wait just a minute.
Edith, just a minute,
we ain't heard
from everybody yet.
What about you there,
thankless?
Ain't you got nothing
to be thankful for?
Yeah. I'm thankful for Ma
being such a terrific cook.
- Oh, you're welcome.
- Wait, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
We know that.
But ain't you gonna give thanks
to, uh, you know,
where all this come from?
The bedroom.
He knows damn well
I want him to say "God."
- Arch, please.
- Come on, Daddy.
- Let's eat.
- Why don't you give up?
Archie:
No. No.
No. No.
If he ain't gonna give
the proper thanks to God
then I'll give it for him.
But let me tell you something,
this guy here has got
a hell of a lot
to be thankful for, damn it.
Language.
Not just language,
a lot of other things.
This whole life
to be thankful for.
Look at him,
he's got a beautiful
little house
out there in Santa Barbara
with a lovely
little outside patio.
Daddy, please, can't we eat?
"Please, Daddy."
Ain't you grateful
that he's got such a wonderful,
steady, good-paying job?
What the hell is she crying for?
Huh?
Did I say something here?
What is she...
Do you know what I said?
Do you know what I said?
Do you know what... no,
you don't know nothing.
- Yes, I do.
- What?
Stephie.
I can't tell you.
You ain't getting a dollar.
What? Edith, Edith,
Edith, what is she crying for?
All I said was that her husband
had a wonderful, good paying...
Uh-oh,
oh,
maybe he ain't got
that wonderful job
no more, yeah?
Maybe he lost it?
I was fired, Arch.
I knew it the minute
he walked in the door.
Archie, please let's eat,
- the turkey is getting cold.
- Edith, Edith,
Edith, don't get
excited here, will you?
- Don't get excited.
- It ain't the end of world
he lost his job.
I ain't worried about that.
Hey, Meathead,
I know what's been going on
in California.
I read the papers, huh?
I know a lot of teachers
have been fired,
it's all because of this guy
Herbert H. Job,
and some preparation 13.
That's all it is,
but it ain't his fault,
it ain't your fault.
You'll get another
good-paying job
as a teacher, soon.
- Come on, come on.
- Have Thanksgiving dinner.
Thank you, Daddy.
Come on, don't worry about it.
Yeah, no.
- No, it's...
- there's just one thing.
Just one thing before you start,
and I ain't gonna
hold you up for long.
I just want to know
is that the reason
you got fired?
The Jarvis thing?
Well, I...
You see her pull
on his ear, there?
There's something's
"surruptious" about that.
Is that the reason?
You ain't gonna tell me, huh?
Well...
if you ain't
gonna tell me then, uh,
you tell me!
- Now I know.
- Now I know.
- What are you gonna do?
- There ain't one hunk
of turkey
or one dribble of gravy
that's gonna pass one lip here,
till I get
to the bottom of this.
Michael:
You're acting ridiculous.
- No, I ain't.
- I wanna know.
Let's eat now.
- No, we ain't gonna eat.
- No, we ain't gonna eat!
- Give me that plate.
- Wait. Daddy!
Archie:
will you cut
the crying out?
Cut it out.
- Stop crying.
- Stop crying.
If you don't stop crying, Edith,
I'm gonna throw this tray
at the elephant.
- No, give me that!
- No, Daddy.
All right, go on.
Put the bird back on the tray.
And then get your hands off.
- Don't hit him.
- She stabbed me
right in the back
of the hand with a fork.
It don't hurt.
God, it does now.
Anyway, here's
where these things
hurt a father.
Edith, sit down.
Sit down.
We ain't gonna go on
with this dinner
till I get to the bottom
of this whole thing.
Stephie,
would you please
take Joey
upstairs and play.
We ain't gonna eat yet.
Come on, Joey.
They're gonna yell
at each other.
I think the children
should hear this
if it's terrible.
Yeah, when they're grown up.
All right, now.
I want to hear the real reason
that you was fired,
so come on, give.
- Well...
- Don't tell him.
Why not?
I was fired because... ow!
Don't you kick me!
I was fired, because I took part
in a protest march
against nuclear energy
and I was... ow!
Ow!
Why did you do that?
I'm sorry, Ma.
I didn't mean to do that.
I meant to do this.
Ow!
- Come on. Let's eat.
- Just a minute.
Just a minute, now,
we are coming up
on this thing here, Edith.
Now, just a minute.
The whole world is parading
against nuclear energy
and nobody gives a damn.
They didn't can you
just for that.
If you must know,
they wanted to build
a nuclear power plant
on the site of a nude beach
and I joined the protest march
in the nude.
Okay.
I...
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