01x13 - Man of the Year

[bunniefuu]

Well, no matter
how many times I total it,

the slip comes out the same.

Business at the bar
last night was down.

- All right.
- You told me that.

Now, how much are we losing?

I didn't say we were losing.

Then what the hell
are you saying?

I just said we were down.

It's just like
your intelligence,

it's there but it's down.

Oh, I get it.

Uh, but it even so,

I don't put no faith
in no gizmo like this.

It says made in Tijuana.

Taiwan.

Tijuana, Taiwan,

it's all Puerto Rico.

Hey, Arch.

There's a guy here
who wants to see you.

Oh, well, tell him to come back

at 9:00 when we're open.

Well, he says
he's an old school buddy,

you know him well,

so I let him in already.

You let him in?

Geez.

This is probably some deadbeat,

wants to put the arm
on me for a loan

and he lets him in.

- Yes, sir.
- What can I do for you?

Archie Bunker.

Do I know you?

Don't you remember?

Well, to tell you the truth,

I, uh, I can't say that I do.

Oh, Arch, you disappoint me.

We were buddies
in high school together.

- Are you sure?
- I went to Bryant High

over in Long Island City.

Yeah. And I sat in front

of you during Homeroom.

Phil Weber.

Oh, Phil Weber.

Oh, yeah.

Geez, well, what the hell
happened to you?

What do you mean?

You used to be black.

Black?

No, I've always been white.

Are you sure?

Sure, I'm sure.

Oh, I know what you mean.

Yeah, there was another Weber...

He was black.

Oh, any relation?

No.

Uh, he spells his name
with two Bs.

- Oh, that's it.
- Yeah.

Well, uh, as you can see,
we ain't open yet,

but, uh, uh,

can we serve you anything?

Yeah, a cup of coffee.

Yeah, Harry, give us
a couple of cups of coffee, huh?

- Coming up.
- Would you like a little, uh,

bourbon eye-opener
with that, huh?

Are you gonna have one with me?

- Sure, sure.
- Yeah.

Sure, thanks.

This is my bartender
here, Harry Snowden.

Hi, Harry.

And coming up behind you there

is my partner, Murray Klein.

Murray, this is, uh,

Phil Weber with one B,
he's white.

That's right.

Phil and me, we went
to Bryant High together.

Yeah. Archie, I wanna
show you something.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Remember this?

Oh, for God's sakes,

look at this,
the old high school
yearbook.

Yeah, that was the year
we graduated, Arch.

Oh, geez.

Yeah, that's why I'm here.

What do you mean?

Well, I represent the committee

for the class of 1940

and they've chosen you,

Archie Bunker,
to be our Man of the Year.

- You?
- Me?

- Him?
- Yeah.

Why?

Oh, hey, hey, come on, Phil.

Hey, who put you up to this gag?

There's no gag,

you are the Man of the Year.

We've chosen other men before,

doctors, lawyers,

you know, distinguished men.

We always reach for the top.

Now, you're reaching
for the bottom.

They wanna be fair.

- Come on, Arch.
- What do you say?

- Uh, well...
- Arch,

you'll have the time
of your life.

And these
man-of-the-year things,

well, they're great
for fundraising,

and it's for an important cause.

Yeah. Well, what is this
particular cause?

A new organ for the high school.

Organ?

Yeah.

Well, geez.

It ain't often in a man's life

he gets a chance to make

such a classy donation.

Maybe they could
name it after you.

How do you mean?

The Archie Bunker Organ.

Uh, no, uh,

I don't think
I wanna push my name

out in front.

Uh, I better leave
my organ monogamous.

Yeah, Arch,
it's more stylish that way.

Yeah. Uh, well,

when would you guys
wanna hold this affair?

On the 15th.

Whereabouts?

Well, we thought
of the high school gymnasium,

but we can't
because we wanna serve booze.

And, uh, we want a place

large enough to make
a lot of money.

You're talking about
making a lot of money,

how do you go about it?

Well, my fellow
committee members

and myself, we sell tickets

for $25 a shot,

$10 goes to the house.

And the rest goes to his organ?

Yeah.

Well, I guess that's

only something I ought to do

for my old alma ladder, huh?

Arch, let me be
the first to toast

to the Man of the Year.

Yeah, sure.

Hey.

Now, all we got to do is, uh,

find a place to hold it.

Well, listen, couldn't
our large supply room...

Sure.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

We can have it right here.

Here, right?

We can honor the Man of the Year

in his own establishment.

Could we do that?

I don't know.

We have to check
with the committee.

They might go for it.

Well, why not?

Listen, Murray.

Here, take my card

and call me within the hour.

Archie:
Hey, Veronica, open up.

Just a minute, I got a new
telephone number here.

What do you want?

Listen, Thursday night the 15th,

I want you to whip up

a very special buffet.

What's the occasion?

The occasion
is my high school class

is naming me Man of the Year.

Hey, hey, hey,

that ain't no joke.

I know a joke when I see one.

All I wanna know from you

is what are you
gonna serve on Thursday?

Thursday, I'll serve

leftover corned beef hash
from Wednesday.

These people ain't gonna
wanna eat no leftovers.

They believe
you're Man of the Year,

they'll swallow anything.

They made him what?

Man of the Year.

Gee, that's neato.

Veronica, que pasa?

Senor Bunker...

nominado por hombre del ano.

That's what I said.

Does anyone ever pick a woman

to be Man of the Year?

Only if she's the wife
of the president,

or a starving nun in India,

or the girlfriend
of a rock star.

Do you think
we'll ever have
a woman president?

Women don't elect presidents
in this country.

Who does?

Guys like your Uncle Archie.

I guess it's hopeless.

Hey, Stephie,
don't you ever give up.

Remember, we women didn't
get the vote until 1920.

Who did you vote for in 1920?

Drink your milk.

Phil Weber Enterprises.

May I say who's calling, please?

One moment, I'll see
if I can ring his office.

It's Murray Klein.

Hello, Murray?

Hey, Phil.

- What'd you hear?
- Well, I talked

to the committee
and they thought

it was a great idea.

Hey, that is terrific.

Listen, we'll get
the whole thing rolling

and I'll see you Thursday.

Right, Murray. Listen,

it's gonna be a terrific affair.

Bye-bye.

Aah.

Well, that's the last

Man of the Year award
this month.

Are they falling for it?

They always do.

Next week at this time,

we'll be selling condos
in the Everglades.

- Two Rye & Cokes, huh?
- Great night, Arch.

Oh, hiya, George.

Glad to see you.

I wouldn't
have missed it
for the world.

Oh, it's nice of you to come.

Freddy, Freddy, over here.

- Where do I pay?
- Right here.

Oh.

Twenty-five bucks.

What's your name?

Alfred.

There you go, Al.

- Thank you.
- Have a good time.

Table, there's a table
in front of you.

Easy, easy, fella.

To tell you the truth,

school was the saddest
time in my life.

No, I went to Flushing.

Hey, listen, Arch.
We're running real low

on bourbon, rye, and vodka.

So soon?

What the hell time is it?

Bourbon and water, please.

It's, uh,
quarter past 9:00, Arch.

Oh, Mr. Van,
it can't be.

- I'm sure it is.
- Either that

or somebody moved
the dots on my watch.

All right.

Frank, open a couple more cases.

Frank:
All right.

Murray:
Hey, Archie, huh.

I never expected this, huh?

Archie:
Uh-huh.

Look at this,
they're still coming in.

And this guy Phil Weber,

he's really raking in
the dough over there.

- Archie: Hiya there, Phil.
- How you doing, huh?

To tell you the truth,

I always felt
unwanted in school.

Archie.

Oh, God...

Mariam Tightenscrew.

Oh, it's Gilford now.

Oh, uh, that's a...

that's an improvement.

You know Bernard,
don't you, Archie?

Oh, you brought Bernard.

- How are you, Arch?
- Bashful Bernard.

Bashful?

Why do you call him that?

Well, let me tell her now.

Bernard was the only guy,

who after gym class,

he would never
take his underwear off

in the showers.

We got married
right after graduation.

- You did?
- Uh-huh.

Did you guys have kids?

Yeah, six.

Six?

Wow. Well, Bernard,

you finally
took off your underwear.

All right. Hey, hey.

When you're my age,

you better hope you have
as many friends as this here.

Would you believe
that all of these people here

were my old classmates?

Knowing you, I expected
a much older crowd.

- There.
- Thank you.

Hi, $25 please.

Okay.

You alone?

Yeah.

- Thank you.
- Where's Archie?

He's around someplace.

What's your name?

Oh, he'll know me.

No, I went to Groton.

Hey, Archie.

Archie:
Al, Al Witherspoon.

How are you?

Look at all ballplayers, huh.

The whole infield.

Oh, gee, the whole infield
all together again.

Whatever happened
to the outfield?

Struck out by that
big pitcher in the sky.

Oh, geez. Well,

that outfield never could hit.

Archie, guess who.

I can't guess.

Bryant, Bryant you're a giant,

B-R-Y, try, try, try,

A-N-T for victory,

- Bryant, Bryant, Bryant.
- All: Bryant, Bryant, Bryant!

I bet you don't remember me.

Oh, yes, I do, Margaret.

How can I forget
the most beautiful

cheerleader of them all?

- Oh.
- Oh, God.

Every guy in the school
had a crush on you.

Did you?

Me? Hey,

I was gone on you.

You never asked me for a date.

Well, I was always scared
you'd turn me down.

I mean, after all,

you was keeping steady company

with handsome Hank Wallis.

Oh, yeah.

Good old Hank.

Did you ever hear
from him after that?

I heard a lot from him.

I married him.

Oh.

How is he?

Dead.

Oh, Margaret, I'm sorry.

Don't be.

Okay.

Well, what, uh,

what are you doing
after the party, Archie?

Oh, well, uh,

- I...
- Archie?

How's Edith?

Uh, Edith is fine.

What do you call, uh...

She'll probably be along

a little later, Veronica.

Who's Edith?

Who?

Edith.

Oh, oh, well, Edith

used to be Edith Baines.

Did I know Edith Baines?

- No, I don't think so.
- Edith didn't go to Bryant,

she went to Bayside.

- Oh, good.
- Yeah.

- And then...
- and she later became

Edith Bunker.

Oh.

I'm glad you're happy, Archie.

Thank you, Margaret.

Where can I find a drink?

Hey, you haven't changed a bit.

When I heard they made
you Man of the Year,

I just had a beer

to congratulate you, Archie.

Oh, I'm not Archie.

Didn't you graduate in '40?

Yes.

Bryant?

No, Flushing.

Are you from Flushing?

No. Astoria.

I think you're a liar.

Ready?

Twenty-eight hundred dollars.

Get the car,

bring it around front.

Son?

Yes.

This is Archie's cup.

Will you bring it to Murray

and, uh, have Murray, uh,

- present it to him?
- Oh, sure.

- Thank you.
- Uh-hmm.

Archie, you old son of a g*n.

You haven't changed a bit.

I'm not Archie, he's Archie.

Archie, you old son of a g*n.

You haven't changed a bit.

Nice to be remembered,

huh, Arch?

Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.

Come on in, come on in.

Enjoy yourself.

It's on the house.

No, I went to Flushing.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen,

if I could have your attention

for just a minute.

I've written a little poem

about our Man of the Year,

Archie Bunker.

And, uh, here it is.

He's as straight
as a bamboo sh**t,

and a spruce
and an oak tree to boot,

but Archie never cared

with what tree he's compared,

as long as it isn't a fruit.

I hope that tells you
something, Arch.

Yeah, it tells me
who's been doing the writing

on the men's room wall.

Okay, Arch.

Folks, can you hold it
down for a minute?

Just another minute.

Hold it for a minute.

Maestro, can I have fanfare?

That's it.

Friends, I just wanna read you

what's written
on this loving cup.

It says Bryant High

Man of the Year 1979,

Archibald...

Archibald?

Read the damn thing, will you?

Archibald Bunker, Class of '40.

Well, uh, first of all,

I wanna, uh, thank

my friend and partner here.

Uh, I wanna thank

all of you here,

coming together tonight

to honor me.

I can't tell you
what a thrill it is

for me to see all of you

after so many years.

I'll never forget it.

I want you to know, too,

that we raised, uh,

a good piece
of change tonight, you know.

And it's going
for a very good cause.

It will always fill my heart

with pride and joy

to know that the students
of Bryant High School

when they file
into that auditorium

every Friday morning,

that the main thing
they're gonna see up

on that stage is my organ.

All right. Hey, hey.

All of yous,
eat, drink, and be merry.

Go on.

Hey, Murray.

Operator, I did dial 911,

it's busy.

Murray. Murray, 911,

- what are you doing?
- Calling the police?

- That's right.
- Oh, no, no, don't call

- the police.
- What? What are you doing?

- Get your hands off it.
- No, no, no, no.

- What are you doing?
- Murray.

What's the matter with you?

Don't call the police.

Don't be ridiculous.

We've got to call the police.

We've just been had.

Your classmate
and his girlfriend,

they took off with the money,

we're left with a big food
and liquor bill.

And look what they did to you.

Now, give me
the phone, will you?

- Wait a minute.
- Wait a minute, Murray.

Please.

They made me Man of the Year.

They made you
schnook of the year.

- Now, give me the phone.
- Murray, Murray, Murray.

You know that and I know that,

but them people out there,

they don't know that.

Let me to talk to you, huh?

Will you sit down a minute
and let me talk to you?

What is with you?

Please, listen, listen.

All my life, I've been nobody,

you know?

I could never make
anything work for myself,

you know, like,
I wanted to be a
major league ballplayer,

but, uh, I could never
get over the sandlots.

And in the Army, uh,

I couldn't even make PFC.

But here tonight, you know,

for the first time in my life,

I'm somebody.

Archie, everybody is somebody.

Oh, not me.

I...

I tried to be somebody,
you know?

Well, I tried hard, everything.

I remember one time
I said to my old man,

God rest his soul,
you know, I said,

Pop...

boy, I wanna be somebody.

I wanna be somebody
even bigger than you.

That's what I told my old man.

What did your old man
say to you?

Well,

he hit me with a shovel.

Mine laughed.

Hey, listen.

We're taking the loss
of a thousand dollars

or more tonight, and...

I'm gonna take
the fall for that.

No, you're not.
No, you're not.

We'll both take
the fall together.

- Why?
- Why? We're...

we're partners.

Yeah, but I got
to tell you something.

When Weber and his girlfriend

scrammed out the door
with all the dough...

I seen them go.

All:

Hey, hey.

Listen to all them
swell people out there.

Hey, we don't wanna
disappoint them, huh?

Come on, let's go out there
and be with them, Murray, huh?

- Come on.
- Come on, let's go.

All:

♪ Which nobody can deny

♪ Which nobody can deny

♪ Which nobody can deny

♪ Which nobody can deny