01x18 - The Ambush

[bunniefuu]

You know, business
is getting so good

in our little restaurant there

that maybe it's time
we put tassels

on the menus.

Murray:
Arch, why don't we close
early tonight, huh?

Not much action at the bar.

What do you say?
I'll get the cash.

Hey, hey, talking about cash,

ain't you glad I bought us
that little safe over there?

Oh, now, I don't wanna start

an argument with you but,
you know,

that safe is useless.

That's what you think, wise guy.

Well,
if the Saturday night bandit

breaks in here, right,
and he sees the safe,

he knows the money is in it

and realizes
that he can't open it,

what does he do?

He does what we want him to do.

He robs somebody else.

But what's the first
thing he does?

He leaves
the "premisaries."

Right.

Right.

With the safe.

He picks it up.

He tucks it under his arm,

and he exits laughing.

Archie: Well,
let me tell you something,

- laughing boy.
- Please.

If I had wanted
a burglar-proof safe,

I'd have went out
and bought us a big one.

But then I wouldn't have
wanted to lay out

$2,000 or $3,000.

Well, what is this one for?

Did you think I was gonna put

the money in this safe?

- Murray: Yes.
- Don't be stupid.

This here serves only a decoy.

What do you mean decoy?

I'll show you what I mean.

I had no idea

putting the money in that safe.

I put the money right here

in this here cigar box, huh?

Where no intelligent bandit

is ever gonna look for it.

That is terrific.

Now how come Brink's
didn't think of that?

Because big companies

always overlook the oblivious.

- Harry: Hey, guys.
- I'm ready to take off.

Okay, Harry.

- We'll cover.
- Arch, why don't you go home?

I'll close up.

- No, why don't you go home?
- I'll close up.

No, Arch, it's my turn.

Well, that don't make
no difference.

- I'll stay anyway.
- I'm in no particular hurry

to rush home.

No, Edith and the kid
are over in Nutley, New Jersey,

Aunt Flavia's dying over there.

- Oh, yeah?
- What is she dying from?

From 92.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, I look at the bright side,
you know.

The old lady is finally
getting out of Jersey.

Okay, guys,

last call here.

I'll have a double scotch
old-fashioned

with two cherries,
a slice of orange

and a hunk of pineapple.

Are you thirsty
or are you hungry?

Just make the drink, will you?

If I want humor, I'll read
the c*ck napkins.

Why after all these years

are you first ordering
an old-fashioned?

In case I walk by the Waldorf,

I don't want the doorman

to smell beer on my breath.

Van:
I'll have the usual.

- All right, coming up.
- Well, since I don't run

a fruit stand here,

I'm gonna give you
a straight scotch,

take it or leave it.

Well, Mr. Van,
you come in every night,

you sit here all night drinking,

I never once see you
go to the toilet.

I know.

I like to have something
to do when I'm home.

Okay, guys.

The sooner youse all drink
your booze,

the sooner we'll
be able to lock up

- and get out of here.
- Give us a break, will ya?

I just got my drink.

Hey, how come you're closing
so early, Arch?

What are you worried about?

What do you mean?

You know,
the Saturday night bandit.

Are you scared he's
gonna knock over the joint?

I ain't scared of nothing.

Don't tempt fate, Arch.

Yeah, you've been lucky.

Six or seven saloons

have been hit
in the past two months.

Yeah, you know,
if you catch him,

there's a $2,500 reward.

I know all about that, Hank.

Yeah, if you do,

then you buy a round
for all the regulars?

No, I won't.

Then I'm rooting for the robber.

If anyone comes in here,

we're gonna be ready for them.

Oh, geez,
would you look at this guy?

What the hell is he gonna do

with a baseball bat?

Whatever he does,
he's bound to do better

than the Mets.

Or the Yankees.

Well, I don't know.
The Yanks got some

pretty good hitters, ain't they?

Yeah, Billy Martin
was their best hitter

and he didn't even use a bat.

- Yeah.
- Hey, listen, guys,

let me tell you something.

I got the best protection of all

right down here under the bar.

- Uh-huh?
- Hey, hey, hey, hey,

this is better
than any baseball bat.

- Oh.
- Hey...

- What are you doing?
- Come on, now.

What is... what's he got?

A g*n!

I'm not deaf.

This here is my answer
to any crook

who comes in trying to rob us.

- Freeze.
- Hey, come on, Arch.

Archie:
Oh, look at them.

They're all yellow.

Murray:
Where did that come from?

From Louie the loan shark.

It's on loan, you know,

until the emergency is over.

Wait a minute now.

You mean to tell me

that you would sh**t
a human being?

Listen to this guy
with the "human being."

When was anybody ever
robbed by a chicken?

Human beings happen to be

the kind of people
who rob you, huh?

So "ipso fatso,"
them is the kind of people

that you sh**t.

Wait a minute, Arch.

How much could he get away with?

You know, today's receipts
are already in the bank.

All we've got is a couple
of hundred dollars

to open with tomorrow.

But that's money, ain't it?

You mean you would
sh**t somebody

for a couple of hundred dollars?

In the w*r,
I shot people for nothing.

This here is a w*r too.

It's a w*r against crime.

So?

So how many wars

did we ever win with a ball bat?

Well, your logic overwhelms me.

I know that.

And I'll tell you
something else.

If each and every
responsible citizen

of the US of A
was to sh**t one crook,

the crime rate
would be cut in half.

Hey, he's got
a point there, you know.

You do not have
to sh**t anybody.

All you got to do is hit him,

tie him up with this,
and then just call the cops.

Oh, sure,

and then ever after pay his room

and board up in Attica,

or some other country retreat.

See, the trouble
with youse liberals

is you're soft on criminals

and you're hard on the taxpayer.

Well, I'm with Arch.

You got to have a g*n.

Yeah, well,
I'm with Murray,
you got to have a bat.

Yeah, well,
I'm with both of them.

How can you be
with both of them?

Well, I'd hit him over
the head, tie him up,

then I'd sh**t him.

Ain't it enough
to sh**t the crook,

you got to be mean to him too?

Well, I'm against both.

God gave you brains, use them.

Talk to him, reason with him.

It's time to go home,
Mr. Van R.

Barney:
See you, fellas.

- Archie: Yeah, all right, fellas.
- Yeah, see you.

All right, you guys,
see you in the morning.

Harry:
Good night, Murray.

- Step.
- Well...

- Got it.
- Hey, that's good.

I tell you, I agree
with Mr. Van Ranseleer.

Well, let me tell you
something, Murray.

g*ns don't k*ll people.

- I know.
- People k*ll people.

Don't give me that
bumper sticker stuff

that would... put the g*n down.

- Will you just put it down?
- I ain't gonna put it no place.

Go on home, will you?

I said I was gonna close up.

- All right.
- Then put it away,

- will you?
- Go on. Go on.

Go on.
When you close up,

you do it your way.

- All right.
- Don't you... don't.

I close up.

I do it my way, huh?

- Look out.
- Yeah, all right.

Give me the cash.

No, I'm not gonna
give you the cash.

- Give me the cash.
- Oh.

- You're kidding.
- Hand it over.

- Here you go.
- You got it.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna put it in
our little, you know,

what you call safe back there.

That's all, huh?

Be careful where you point that.

Oh.

All right, you.

Don't do anything stupid,
all right?

I ain't gonna do nothing stupid.

I know what I'm doing.

- Good night.
- All right. Good night.

Good night.

Geez.

Oh, well.

♪ I like New York in June

♪ How about you?

♪ I like a Gershwin tune

♪ How about you?

♪ I like a fireside

♪ When a storm is due

♪ I like potato chips

♪ Moonlight, motor trips

♪ How about you?

♪ I'm mad about good books

♪ I can't get my fill

♪ And Greta Garbo's looks

♪ Give me a thrill

♪ When all...

♪ When all the lights are low

♪ May not be new

♪ But I like it

♪ How about you?

Hey, Archie?

- It's Murray.
- I'm back.

Hey, Arch?

"Auf wiedersoon," kraut.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

What the hell
is the matter with you?

Oh. Geez, what the hell

are you doing sneaking back here

at going on 3:00
in the morning?

I didn't sneak back here.

I came back because
I was worried about you.

- Oh.
- I called you.

Didn't you hear me call you?

No, I didn't hear nothing.

Geez, look what could've
happened to me.

I could've k*lled you.

I would've been the dead one.

Is that really
the point, Murray?

It would've been
all over for you.

I'd have to live with that
the rest of my life.

Get out of my way.
I need a drink.

Geez, then pour one for me too.

Look at this.
My hand is shaking
like a leech.

I know you couldn't
be trusted with a g*n,

that's why I came back.

Oh, well.
All right.

Drink and drink
and go on home again.

Oh, I'm not going home.

I'm staying right here.

If you're gonna be waiting
around for some thief,

I'm gonna make sure
that you don't k*ll anybody.

Oh, listen, Murray.

If I can take that guy
without no gunplay, you know,

and collect the $2,500 reward,

I'll do it, see?

I don't wanna use this here
unless I have to.

- That's exactly my point.
- I don't want you

- to be using that anytime.
- Murray, Murray.

Murray, let's wait and see

what happens, huh?

Oh.

You know, Arch,

I don't think
we're gonna get that

Saturday night bandit now.

Oh, we'll get him.

It's Sunday morning.

Well, I don't mind sh**ting him

on a Sunday.

You know something?

You could sh**t yourself
with that thing.

Oh, like, I could,

but I ain't gonna.

What the hell do you think
I am, a dumbbell?

No, don't be giving me
that look.

Let me tell you something.

It's very rare

that you see me
do anything dumb.

That hole in the door
is pretty dumb.

I have to get my pants cleaned.

Geez, did you do that?

Oh, no.

I was on the floor
when you shot me.

Oh,

you're too neat anyway.

Why the hell
are you always so neat?

Well, it's poor early
"troilet taining."

"Troilet taining"?

Toilet training.

Why? Was your mother

changing your diapers too much?

Not enough.

You know, that's kind of
a disgusting story there.

Well, that was
my childhood problem.

What was yours?

Getting caught.

At what?

Everything.

Look at this here.

That's a dead soldier here.

- Yeah?
- You know what you do

- with a dead soldier?
- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.
- You take him out of the line.

Ah.

And the very same to you.

Hey, you know, Arch,

I think we both
had enough to drink.

Huh?
Oh, I don't think so.

No, we could stand
a little more.

I think we ought to leave.

If that robber
is gonna come here,

I think we ought to be home
where we'll be safe.

Nah, you mean pass up
a $2,500 reward?

Not a chance.

Oh, you'd do anything
for $2,500, wouldn't you?

Wouldn't you?

I wouldn't risk my life for it.

Yeah.
Well, what would you risk

your life for, huh?

Huh? What do you think
your life is worth?

I never put a price on it.

Oh, you.

You never put a price on it,
huh?

- No.
- No.

You wouldn't put a price on it

because you were raised rich.

What the hell do you mean

I was raised rich?

Raised rich.

Well, most Jewish people
is raised rich.

What people?

Oh, look at this guy.

He's trying to make believe

he don't know
what I'm talking about.

What people?

I'll give you a hint.

Starts with a G.

G?

For Jewish.

Oh, I see, G.

Well, that makes you a J.

How do you figure?

Gentile.

Absolutely right.

And another thing

about youse people, see,

you Jewish people,
youse always had

a happy childhood.

Hmm?

I always wondered
why I was always such
a sad kid.

Were you really
honest to God a sad kid?

Yeah.

Well, maybe you ain't Jewish.

Ever think of that?

No. I'm Jewish.

And if you're Jewish,

then you had

a bar mitzvah, right?

That's right.

Then you wasn't sad.

What the hell
are you complaining about?

I never had no chance

when I was 13 years of age
to say,

"Now, I am a man."

You could've said that any time

without a bar mitzvah.

Oh, why, well, I mean,
I did say it when I was 18.

I went up to my old man
on that day, and I said,

"Hey, pop,

today I am a man."

What did your old man say then?

He hit me with a shovel.

Listen, if it's any
consolation to you,

you're very special to me,

and I think you're a man.

Well, that's very nice.

That ain't no real bar mitzvah.

Sure it is.

Here's a fountain pen.

What the hell was that?

What?

- What?
- Shh.

There's a noise out here
at the door.

Maybe it's the wind.

Don't jump to confusions.

Let's check it out.

Well, it was the wind.

But the next time,

it could really
be somebody, you know.

Where's my rod?

It's here, safe in the safe.

Give me my rod.

Oh, no.

No.

We're gonna use these, Arch.

Oh, geez.
Are you silly?

A little hunk
of clothesline there

to handle some huge colored guy?

How do you know
it's a huge colored guy?

All right.
All right.

I ain't prejudiced.
A huge Puerto Rican then.

Murray, come on.

Give me the rod.

- No.
- Murray, give me, give me.

No. No.
Stay away from the safe,
will you? Hey.

Woman:
Good morning.

Both:
Did you say that?

Woman:
No. We did.

Hiya, guys.

Both:
Hi.

Drop the rope.

Woman:
And the bat.

Just relax.

Harry:
♪ I'm just a gigolo

♪ And everywhere I go

Holy cow.

What happened?

Archie:
What does it look like,
you dope?

- Geez. I better call the cops.
- No, untie us.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Oh, geez.
- What the hell are doing here?

What...
kind of a jerk are you?

It's too late in
the morning for God's sake.

This whole thing
is Murray's fault.

Him and his baseball bat.

You're lucky that neither
one of us got k*lled.

The two of youse
couldn't do a thing, huh?

Well, not against the two
that come in here.

Big guys?

You wouldn't believe
the size of them.

Yeah.
And one of them packing

a big bazooka or something.

Oh, here.
Here, here.

Look at there.

And blew that hole
right in the door there.

Which, fortunately,

if nobody says the wrong thing,

our burglars insurance
will have to pay for that.

Oh.

Oh, the safe's gone
and the dough with it.

Oh, no.
The money wasn't in the safe.

The money was in Archie's
cigar box.

Did you put some money
in the cigar box?

Leave me alone, will you?

Just wouldn't know.

Couple of damn fool women

go looking for money

where it ain't supposed to be.

Women?

You mean, you got held up
by a couple of women?

Well, wait a minute, Harry.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Wait until the guys
hear about this.

- Oh, wait a minute.
- Wait a minute.

- Murray: Harry.
- Wait a minute,

you ain't gonna say
nothing about this

to the guys.

Uh, yes I am.

- Oh, Harry.
- Listen now, Harry.

- Harry.
- Uh, yeah?

Murray, yeah?

You like your job, Harry?

Huh?

Yeah.