02x04 - Hiring the Housekeeper

[bunniefuu]

Linda: Straight.

- Stephanie: Full house.
- Ladies over treys.

Six games in a row,
you're a fast learner.

You're a fast teacher.

I don't think
I'm the one
who taught you.

- Okay, dealer's choice.
- Five card draw.

Deuces and one-eyed jacks wild.

Archie: Hey, Barney,
your dog is
on my lawn again.

He's home.

I'm home.

Hi, Mr. Bunker.

- Hi there, Linda.
- How are the two of youse doing over there?

I think I'm getting hustled.

- Yeah?
- She ain't giving you no trouble, is she?

- Beating the pants off me at poker.
- Let's settle up.

Well, I guess I owe you
a few bucks there, Linda.

So, you been here,
what, four or five hours?

Six.

Six, yeah. How much
an hour is that?

$2 an hour.

But she ate something
here, didn't she?

It comes with it.

All right. So, what's that,
$10 or $11, eh?

$12.

$12. Jeez!

At this rate,
I better give you the bar.

I'll stay home
and take care of the kids.

Well, easy come, easy go.
Here you are.

Wait, wait, wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Hold it!
Hold it!

Was youse playing
for real money here?

Of course.

- Give her back her money.
- -No!

Don't say no to me!

I won it.

Really, it's fair,
Mr. Bunker.

Now, wait, wait a minute.
All right, fair?

I'll tell you what's fair.
You were playing cards
in my house,

so the house gets a cut, right?

How much?

This here much!

You take that, Linda.

No, Mr. Bunker,
I couldn't.

All right, I know what's fair,
just call it your tip, huh?

Thanks, Mr. Bunker.
Next time
we'll play Scrabble.

Yeah, do that or play dolls.

- Dolls?
- Dolls?

All right, anything,
play anything,

but let it be
something decent, huh?

Thanks very much
for helping us
out here, Linda.

Really, much obliged.

How's everything going
down at the restaurant?

It's fine. Murray handles
us girls very well.

Hold it, hold it.

What do you mean,
he handles youse girls?

No, I mean, he's real nice
to the waitresses.

- Oh, well, yeah.
- Okay, Linda.

- Good night.
-Thanks again.
Good night.

How about a little
five-card draw?

Deuces wild, jacks are better.

How about a little
"brush your teeth,

"get into your pajamas,
and go to sleep"?

How do you play?

Don't be a wise guy, huh?
Come on, get up them stairs.

That's a disgrace.

A little girl like you
growing up to be
a card shark.

- Party pooper.
- Never mind that!

You ought to be damn glad
that I took you away

from that low-class family
that was raising you.

I was just trying
to make some money

to help you pay your taxes.

- Well, never mind my...
- My taxes?

- Come here, come here, come here.
- What are you talking about?

What do you know about my taxes?

You got a post card in the mail.

Oh, yeah?

It's from the county
tax assessor.

It says the value of
the property has gone up.

Oh, they don't have
to send me no postcards
to tell me that!

I know that.

Smartest thing I ever
done in my life

is to buy this beautiful home.

"The adjusted taxes
are $1,242."

Let me see that thing.

$1,242? For this dump?

Hey, thanks, Linda.

Can't you find a nicer word
for your house than dump?

Well, what would you suggest?

I'd call it an eyesore.

- Call it anything you want.
- All I know is I've had it.

This here tax notice
is the last straw that
busted the camel's hump.

I've always loved
your house, Arch.

And my dog has always
loved your lawn.

- Do you hear this?
- That's another thing.

I gotta pay extra taxes
for a lawn I can't even
walk on.

Look on the bright side, Arch.

The value of your house
keeps increasing all the time.

And so does his taxes,

and the heating bills
are going right
through the roof.

Now, Arch, you gotta
get out of there.

Yeah, yeah,
the heating bills
is terrible.

Well, why move for that?

Why don't you just
insulate your attic?

That don't do no good.

You heat up the attic,
the bugs think
it's a tropical resort.

They don't fly south no more,
they just come downstairs.

I didn't hear that.

No, no,
I'm all fed up
with it, really.

And, listen, it ain't
just because I'm...

you know, alone now.

I've been thinking about
selling that house
for the longest time.

You never told me about that.

Well, I didn't tell you
about my "prostrate" problem,
neither.

Ah, no, it's just that

the house seems
just too big now,
you know.

You would leave Hauser Street
after all these years?

Where would you move to?

Oh, maybe right around here.

Maybe I'd buy one of them
new co-op compartments.

There you go.

Excuse me.

Did I hear you say
that you were interested
in selling your house?

Well...

- Allison Flanders, Elmhurst Real Estate.
- -Oh.

Mr... Um?

Oh, me,
I'm Archie Bunker.
I own the place.

We own the place.

You know,
your neighborhood is
very hot right now!

You should've
been here in August.

No.

I mean, this is becoming
a desirable neighborhood.

See, young couples
are buying these old,
run-down houses

- and renovating them.
- Oh!

- Mrs. Flanders?
- Uh, just a second.

Just a second, huh?
So, uh, that's interesting.

So, what would
a beautiful house
like mine

fetch nowadays?

Where's it located?

Right across
the street from mine.

That don't help her none.

What the hell
do you think you are,
a national shrine?

704, Hauser Street.
It's very near
Northern Boulevard.

In fact, you could hit it
from there with a beer can.

I just got 75 for a three bed,
two bath in that area.

Jeez, well, that's just
like mine, ain't it?

No, no, you got
two bedrooms,
one bath.

Who the hell needs
more than one toilet?

So, uh, what do you think
we could get for it,

- Miss, uh...
- whaddyacall?

- Flanders.
- Yeah.

- Miss?
- Mrs.

Happy?

Will you lay off?

So, what do you think?

Oh, well, um, 62, 63 maybe.

And I have some
fabulous co-op listings.

Oh! Well, that's
very interesting,

we were just talking
about that here.

I might like to buy one of them.

I just love helping people.

A lot of people need help.

Now, when would you
like me to show you
some co-ops?

- How's tomorrow morning at 10:00?
- -Good for me.

Are you gonna close our deal
before you start another one?

Will you leave her alone?
Get over there and sit down.

Busy, busy, busy.

You better grab
that 10:00 while
it's still available.

- I'll grab it.
- -Why don't you go grab a hot handle?

I'll take
the 10:00 appointment.

Mr. Bunker, I am so glad
you have chosen me
to be your real estate agent.

Well, hey, hey.

- I'll see you tomorrow at 10:00, huh?
- -Yeah, yeah.

- At 10:00, 10:00.
- Bye, bye, bye.

- Bye, there.
Bye. Bye.
-Bye, bye.

She's quite a talker, ain't she?

To say the least.

Hey, Arch, now don't
do anything foolish.

- Aw, shut up.
- When did I ever do anything foolish?

Well, what do you think?

I don't know about you,
but when I...

Please!

- What did he do?
- Will you stop that?

- Isn't it...
- Isn't it charming?

It's a few dollars more than
the other two we've looked at,

but I think you will agree.

I'll agree to anything.

Newly painted.

Just last week.

I'd say three weeks ago.

What do you think, Arch?

Oh.

I can't tell the difference
between one week
and three weeks.

No, no. I mean,
do you like the place?
I think it's perfect.

Oh, well, the place.
Yeah, well, it is very nice,

but I don't know,

for some reason, it feels empty.

They design it that way,
so you can put
your furniture in it.

Oh, sure, I never
thought of that.

I'm not surprised.

I should tell you that
this is the last listing

in your price range,
Mr. Bunker.

Oh, well, then I guess
we better look at it.
You wanna show us?

- Sure, sure, I'd love to.
- Now, I think, by far,

the most wonderful feature
of this entire co-op
is this incredible view.

I mean, just take a look
out that window, huh?

- Great.
- Yeah.

The view is over
this way, Mr. Van R.

Hey, look at them two guys
on that roof down there.

Is one of them guys
mugging the other one?

That's not mugging, Arch.

Oh, my God.

You may be asking yourself
what about security, huh?

Yeah, yeah, what about security?

Well, this is the com-center.

See, you can talk
with people downstairs,

you can buzz them in.

I guess
I can buzz 'em off,
too, huh?

- And, now, the kitchen.
- -Yeah, let's see the kitchen.

The kitchen is
a gourmet chef's dream.

All built in.

Your ice maker,
your food processor,

your cooking surface,
your trash compactor...

Where's the stove?

That's the stove.

- That's the stove?
- That's the stove.

- You mean, you cook on there?
- -You cook on it.

- You mean, right on there?
- -Right there.

Well, I can see it
working for pancakes,
but, you know,

soups and gravies and that,

wouldn't it just run
all over the edge there?

Not if you use a pot.

- Shall we move on?
- Yeah.

I want to show you the bedrooms.

I love this floor plan.

Excuse me, I, uh...

I didn't hear the price.

Oh, 59, 4.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Now, this is the second bedroom.

I think it's
an absolutely
perfect size

for a little girl
like your Stephanie.

Oh, yeah.
It's a lot bigger
than what she's got.

If I can only
talk her into moving.

No problem, no problem.

Now, let's take a look
at the master bedroom.

Let's.

Uh, yeah, Murray, go ahead,
you check the master bedroom.

I gotta take a minute here.

Right.

Murray!

Mr. Van R.,
I brung you along

because I need
your advice, you know.

I mean, what do you
think of me
moving in here?

Well, I...
I haven't seen
the place.

Oh, well, it's very beautiful.

It feels big for the price.

Now, your capital gains can

be offset by
the interest payments...

No, I really don't wanna ask you

about the financials, you know?

- I mean, it's like...
- It's like personals, see.

I, uh...

I hate to sell that
old house, you know.

But, then again,

I mean, with Edith gone,

I can't stand it there,
you know.

I understand.

Allison:
We're waiting for you.

I'll be right with you.

Murray:
There's no hurry, Arch.

He's like a child,
always grabbing
for sweets.

It's just that

every place I look
there, you know,

- everything in it, it just...
- it reminds me.

I know it's hard.

But with time,
the pain will lessen

and the memories
will grow sweeter.

Well, yeah,
but I don't want to wait
that long, you know.

I wanna move out of there

and get into some
place like this

where I can have
new memories right away.

Well, if that's
what you want to do...

I'll do it. I'll do it.
Thanks for the advice,
Mr. Van R.

Thank you very much.

Please, come and look
at the master bedroom.

Well, I don't want to
look at the master bedroom.

Oh, please...

- I've already
made up my mind.
- Oh, but Mr. Bunker...

I mean, I'm going
to take the joint.

- Wonderful!
- And I'll get rid of your house in no time.

That soon, huh?

Mmm. We'll have
an open house on Sunday.

We'll bring in a buyer,
and you will be finished
with that old place for good.

Okay.

Well, here we are,
little darling.

Our new home, huh?

Don't it knock you out?

Stephanie,

just take a look at
this place, will you?

Look at it, all brand new.

Got your own bathroom,
your own room.

It's all on one floor.

Look around, sweetheart.

Go ahead, go ahead,
baby. Take your time.

That one's gonna
be your room. Yeah.

That's the master
bedroom, Stephie.

- And there's...
- That's the intercom...

That's the kitchen
where you can...

Aw, now, come on,
what is this now?

You, you gotta let us
show you around,

like the real estate
lady showed us around.
Now, come on.

- I hate it.
- Let's go.

What do you mean, you hate it?

You didn't even see it.

You just went through here
like a 50 yard dash.

It's ugly.

It's not nice
like our old house.

What do you mean, nice?
Our old house is a dump!

Come here. Ah! Here,
look at that view.

Yeah, now there's a view.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

I... I don't trust that view.
Show her something else fast.

Well, uh, how about...

- Oh, look here, Stephanie, look at this rug, will you?
- Here, feel it, huh?

Yeah, the rug.
Feel that rug.
Ain't that beautiful?

Huh? See how soft
that is, there?

You come home from school
and play on this,

you could roll around
on that all day.

That's a beautiful...

That's something you don't
find in many apartments,
you know?

Carpeting, all over.
Shag, shag, beautiful.

You know the great
thing about shag, too?

You never have to clean it.

The dirt works its way
down in there and gets lost.

Ain't that great?

That's disgusting.

I don't want to move.

You what?

I don't want to move.

- You see what you done?
- What do you...

I wanna go home.

You know, you should've
took her by the hand...

- It's your responsibility...
- I don't wanna argue.

I don't give a damn
what she says,

she's gonna move in here!

I ain't gonna have my life
run by no fresh kid.

What a hell of a salesman
you turned out to be.

- Thanks a lot.
- I should've brung along

Miss Whaddyacall there.

- Flanders. Allison.
- Whatever.

Whatever.

She'd have forced that kid
to love the place. Come on.

Well, there's no use in talking.

You're gonna move
out of this place,
no matter what you say.

We ain't got
no beautiful view
from this room.

You feel a cold draft
running across
your feet there?

That's 'cause we ain't
got no beautiful shag
rug in here.

And then, while
you're eating
your breakfast,

don't you feel a certain
lack of security here?

Allison: If you people
want a fixer-upper,

this is by far
the best listing I have.

Why?

Well, just look around.

Have you ever seen a place
that could use more fixing up,
huh?

Wait a minute, wait a minute, there.
Uh, what are you doing?

The open house
ain't supposed
to start until 11:00.

Oh, but this is the only time
that John and Sylvia here

could take a look
at the place,
and I thought to myself,

"Well, why not just
start the open house
a little early, huh?"

Well, I know what you mean,
but, look at us,

we ain't even dressed here,

and look at the way
the place looks...

It's just that this is
Butterfly's day off.

What are you measuring, bud?

- I got some great stained glass.
- -Archie: Oh!

Sylvia and John,
this is Mr. Bunker.

Yeah, nice to meet
the two of youse there.

Serious buyers.

Oh! Well,
welcome, welcome.

Yeah, youse are gonna love
the place. Right, kid?

I'm going to go to my room.

Yeah, that's right. Go on
up to your room there...

uh, little darling.

Make your bed, will you?

Of course, this is
the living room,
dining area.

Yeah.

Would you call this Victorian?

Well, I would say it's
more like Herbert Hoover.

It's got possibilities.

Hmm, it's like
the Coopers' house

before they made it
livable, remember?

Livable? What do
you mean, "livable"?

I've been
living in this house
for over 30 years.

And without the Coopers.

The kitchen
is right through here.

Stephanie: Uncle Archie,
the pipes are leaking again!

Ah... Shut up!

Don't believe that kid,
she's lying.

Jeez, these pipes block,
but they never leak.

Oh, my God.

Think of the tremendous
challenge involved

in bringing this kitchen
back to life, huh?

- Twelve, one.
- Big, huh?

That's one thing,
it's a very roomy
kitchen here.

It's a great kitchen, lady.

I wanna tell you,
thousands of delicious meals

have been cooked
in this kitchen.

Right here on this stove, huh?

- See here?
- Real fire comes out of them four holes.

Sometimes the flame leaps up
to that height there,

when the neighbors
ain't using the gas.
We're leaving that for you.

There's another thing
you get for free.

See? Wrote on
the cupboard wall there?

There's a lovely recipe
for Chicken Divine.

We were hoping the kitchen
would be in better shape.

- We'll have to gut this whole thing.
- -Mmm.

Gut? What do you mean, "gut"?

Uh, we'll talk about it later.

Let's focus on
the possibilities of
the living room, huh?

Uh, what does he mean, "gut"?

There are so many
wonderful things
you can do in here.

Sure, you can do
anything in here.

You can play cards,
drink beer, and watch TV.

That's all there is to life?

No, there's more,
but you don't do it
in the living room.

We could probably
raise the ceiling
to the roof,

make part of
the upstairs a loft.

Oh, that's brilliant!

Wait a minute, buddy,
what do you
want to do that for?

This is a house,
it ain't a barn!

Stephanie: Uncle Archie!

What should I do
with the mousetraps?

They're full!

Ah! Cut that out!

- She's lying.
- The kid lies all day long.

This wall has got to go.

We can extend
the living room
out onto the porch.

No, but then,
if you open
the front door,

you'd fall right
out on the lawn.

And you wouldn't want to
fall out on that lawn!

I don't know if we could
salvage this woodwork.

It's pretty chewed up.

No, no, no, lady,
that ain't chewed up!

Don't you see what them is?

There's growth marks there.

That's from the kids
in this house that
was growing here, see?

Hey, look here, there's
my little daughter, Gloria,

when she was that height,
and there she is there, see?

Here's my little
grandson, Joey, there.

And this here is Stephanie,
the little liar upstairs.

Mr. Bunker.
Uh, Mr. Bunker?

Who cares?

No one will recognize
this place when you
get through with it.

Wait a minute,
who cares? I care.

I care, and the kid
cares up there.

Now, I've had
just about enough talk of
open house surgery here.

As a matter of fact,
the open house is closed.

What do you mean?

I mean, I ain't gonna
let no tearing up
be done around here.

This might just be four walls
and a ceiling to you, buddy,

but this is our home.

And it's gonna stay
just the way it is.

- Mr. Bunker...
-Come over here. Come over.
I wanna tell you something.

You know what
I'd like you to do?

I'd like you to take
these two loonies
the hell out of here.

You bring them over there
to that co-op there.

- Show them that.
- They'll buy that.

They can gut it,
they can burn it,

they can shove a loft in it.

Go ahead.

I'm sorry,
let's not waste
any more time here.

I have a wonderful little place,

just a teeny, tiny
walk from here.

Now, it's not quite
as rundown as this is,

but I think it's even
more of a challenge.

Oh, really? Why?

It used to be a filling station.

Filling station?

- Interesting.
- Hi-tech.

And, you,

hollering down them
two big lies.

Only one of them was a lie.

What do you mean?

The pipes really are leaking.

- Aw, jeez!
- Get away from me.

Are you mad at me?

Yeah, I'm mad at you.

- I'm sorry.
- I forgive you.

Well, to tell you the truth,
I didn't care much
for that co-op myself.

It was awful.

Well, like you said,
it was ugly.

I never liked all them
blank, bare walls.

God, I hate bare walls.

I always like wallpaper.

You know why I like wallpaper?

Why?

Because everywhere you look

you see a picture.

It smells better here, too.

Yeah.

I'll tell you something.

If you and me is
gonna stay here,

we gotta pull all this
together, you know?

The first thing we gotta do

is get ourselves a housekeeper.

Why do we need a housekeeper?

'Cause you don't do that good.

We need some nice lady in here

who'll cook for us,

clean up the joint well.

Somebody who's old enough
to run out and buy beer.

I really love this place.

Yeah.
Hey, it don't need
much fixing up, you know?

There's only one thing
that this place needs
that would make it perfect.

What?

A beautiful shag rug.