02x06 - Veronica and the Health Inspector

[bunniefuu]

How can you
sing so early
in the morning?

In my country we say,
"Music is the food
of love."

Well, stop stuffing yourself
in front of a starving woman.

Hey, what's the matter with you?

- Just keep chopping, Desi Arnaz.
- That stew is for today.

Hey, don't worry, you're
looking at the human
Vegematic.

I slice, I dice, I peel, I core.

Do you have to learn all
your English from commercials?

Let's see, what else?

Ah, over here.
Over here is the silverware,

there's the ketchup, mustard,
the pepper and salt, napkins,
whatever else you need.

And I think that's it.

And we're very
glad to have you
with us, Samantha.

Well, I'm glad to be here,
I think.

Oh, I know you'll like it.
You're gonna go nuts
about this place.

This place is driving me nuts.

Maybe now, with extra help,
a person can get some time
off for recreation.

No time for yourself?

Lately, the only man in
my life is Johnnie Walker.

Be nice to her.
She's had a sad life.

Hey, Murray,
what happened
to that hand cart

you promised me three weeks ago?

Archie went into the city
for it.

Come here, I'll give you a hand.

What's happening in the kitchen?

A little skirmish between
El Salvador and Nicaragua.

- Will you two stop fighting!
- Once and for all, stop!

They're not fighting,
he cut himself.

I cut my finger.

Is it bad? Let's see.

- Let's not.
- I even pass out at the sight of marinara sauce.

Is it deep?

I'm afraid to look.

- Oh, come on.
- I'll get you to the hospital.

Hey, you better report the
details of that accident
to the shop steward.

Shop steward?
Oh, that's a laugh.

This ain't a union joint.

How come?

I can tell you in two words.

Archie Bunker.

Okay, Jose, here you are.

Back where it's
nice and warm again.

Veronica, look who's here.

Jose, are you okay?

They gave me this.

Aw, it's gonna be all right.

He just took a couple
of stitches, that's all.

- A couple? Try seven.
- And the pain's k*lling me.

You should go
right home to
your bed.

Oh, somebody else is
using it in the daytime.

- Oh, sure.
- They're all restin' nice and warm in here

and me have to luggin' this
thing all the way from
Hester Street.

Nobody to help me.
It's too late now.
Jeez.

You should've seen
everybody on the subway.

They was all frozen
stiff in there.

A guy thought
he was gropin' me,
he was gropin' that.

Maybe next time
you'll get lucky.

Don't talk dirty, Veronica!

Come on, Harry,
you wanted this thing,
take it away now.

Thanks, boss.

You havin' your breakfast, dear?

I am trying to keep warm.

You know, it ain't fit
for man or beast out there.

So will you go out and
shovel the snow, Jose?

Jose, don't talk to me that way.

He cut his finger
in the kitchen.

That's right.
I cut my finger.

He cut his finger.

I hired the only
Spanish guy in New York
who can't handle a knife.

- You're all heart, Arch.
- That little wound cost $212.

They soaked you $212 for that?

No, they soaked us for it.

What do you mean, "us"?

He got hurt on the job.

But Jose, didn't you have
your insurance handle that?

What insurance?

You ain't got insurance?

How's he supposed to get it?

With his American Express card?

Don't be funny, will you?

Every American
ought to be carryin'
disastrous insurance.

Only certain classes of
people, they don't keep

their financial prior-orities
straight, you know.

That's right.
I spend all my money

wearin' fancy clothes
and drivin' fur-lined Chevys.

And now you're broke.

Not to mention his
penthouse and his yacht.

Oh, he ain't got that.

How could you
afford insurance when
you were a working stiff?

I got it for nothing, wise guy,

because I was a loyal,
dues-paying member of
a dangerous union.

He's right.
Unions do provide
excellent group coverage.

You said it there, little girl.

And they also offer a lot of
other kinds of protections
for the working people.

Yes, yes, many protections.

Here's a young lady who knows
what she's talking about here.

So how come
Archie Bunker's Place

isn't affiliated with the
Restaurant Workers' Union?

Who the hell are you?

Archie, this is Samantha Peters.

She started working
for us today.

I don't see her startin' work.

If she wants to start work,
she can start by gettin'
me a cup of coffee.

Excuse me.

What kind of people
are you hiring...

Excuse me, excuse me.

I didn't hear you
answer her question.

How come we got no union here?

Because we don't
need no union here.

We're a big, happy family here.

You and Jose and Harry
over there and little
whaddyacall here...

- Linda.
- Linda. Yeah.

Mr. Bunker, you
yourself just admitted
the necessity of unions.

That's right, you just
opened your big mouth
before, didn't you?

Will you close yours now?

Whole other thing with me.

When I was workin'
on that loadin' dock,
it was a different situation.

Let me tell you something.

When you're
in the clutches of
a guy who pays you

next to nothin'
for the work you do,

well, all right,
then you need a union.

Where do we sign up?

Will you put a lid
on it and get back to work
in the kitchen over there?

I don't wanna hear
nothin' more about unions.

- Come on, come on.
- Case closed.

What are you
talking about,
case is closed?

- These people have their rights.
- We have got to talk.

Will you stop being a liberal?

- You're a boss now.
- Don't you know nothin'?

You let a union in here,
the first thing you know,
it's gonna be all over you

like a runnin' rash.

You ain't supposed
to be listenin'
to this!

With all due respect,
Mr. Bunker...

What the hell do
you know about unions?

Well, I was the shop
steward on my last job.

Uh-oh, uh-oh.

And I just
wanna tell everybody here
one thing about the union.

If there was a union here,
there would be a lot
of improvements.

Uh-oh, uh-oh.

What about pay?
Can they get me
more money?

Well, I don't know what
you're making right now,

but with the union,
you'll get a fair
minimum wage.

You don't need the
union for that, Jose.

- I make sure your wages are minimum.
- Tell her.

What about overtime?

Shush! Shush!

You get time-and-a-half
for a sixth straight day,

and seven straight days
is double-time.

What about 19 days in a row?

That's sl*very.

That is the restaurant business,

which I wish we could
get back to right now.

Arch, I think we've got to talk.

- No, no. No talk, no talk.
- I don't wanna hear no talk.

Now, I'm gonna talk.

Youse people don't know
anything about this.

Don't youse know that
the unions are run by all
these Mafioso guys there?

Don't give me that.

Yes, yes!

Like that
boyfriend of yours,
Rocko, that fired shots

at your underwear on the line.

What are you talkin' about?

I'm only tryin' to tell you
that anything extra them
guys get for you,

you gotta pay for it.

If you're late with your dues,

them g*ons come around,
they break your arms
for you, there.

When you finally
get your gold watch,

you'll have to wear it
on your ankle.

That's absolutely ridiculous.

No, it ain't ridiculous.

Hey, you take the case
of Jimmy Hoffa.

One day, there he is,
a happy guy going out
to lunch with a pal,

the next day he's part
of an off ramp in Jersey.

I think we've got to talk.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I haven't even mentioned
the health and pension plans.

The employers have to
pay for them entirely.

Entirely?

See, see, see?

I think we talked enough.

Yeah. You talked
a little too much.

Hey, Sam, how do
we join this union?

Hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it!

Now listen, I've had just
about enough talk about
unions in here.

We're too small to be union.

- Oh, no, you're not.
- All you have to have is a simple majority vote.

Why don't we vote, then?

No! No votin'
is allowed in here!

Where the hell do you
think you are, Poland?

Mr. Bunker...

Now, I don't wanna
hear no more from you.

You're an outside aggrieviator.

And you're the one
that hired her.

Mr. Bunker, you cannot
stop us from voting.
The union bylaws...

Hold it. The law says
that only employees
can vote, right?

- Right.
- Well, that leaves you out,

because you're no longer
an employee. You're fired.

What?

I'll spell it out for you.
F-I-R-D. Fired!

Wait. No.
You can't fire me.
You don't have just cause.

Well, I have.
It's just 'cause
I don't like you.

So, arrivederci and mama m.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute, Sam.
- -All right, all right.

- What the hell do you think you're doing?
- I'm your partner.

You're supposed to
consult me about
these things.

Okay, okay, okay.
You hired her, I fired her.
That's what partners is about.

Do you think you're
gonna get away with this?

It's a dirty job, Veronica,
but somebody's got to do it.

Well, maybe she can't vote,
but that ain't gonna stop us.

As for me, I vote union.

That makes two votes.

Well, I vote union, too.

- Shut up!
- You're a girl.

Okay,
everybody's
going on strike.

Que pasa?

- Revolucion.
- Muy bien.

- Harry, what do you say?
- Make it unanimous.

Harry,
Harry, Harry.
Harry. Friends.

- You're right, Arch.
- Lodge Brothers.

- You're right.
- Nineteen years together.

- You're right.
- Hey, hey, hey.

- I gotta go with them.
- Huh?

I used to be management,
but now I'm just a worker.

Harry, Harry...

- Come back here, Harry!
- Will you shut up?

Let 'em go! Let 'em go!
But if they walk out
the door,

they'll never walk back
into this bar and
grill again.

Jeez.

Well, you know
who's to blame
for this?

- You!
- You!

- What do you mean, me?
- What do you mean, me?

Come on, guys, we're gonna win.

It's only the second day
and they're in trouble
already.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's right. Not one
union delivery truck's
crossed this picket line.

Yeah, every time Archie
has to go out for supplies,

it warms my heart.

Hey, that's not all
that's warmin'
your heart.

- What are you talkin'?
- Quit holdin' out.

What?

- You got it, Harry.
- Go, drink up.

Not all, not all.

Is it worth it?

We're freezin' out here and
he's sittin' in there nice
and warm.

This damn heat is
k*lling me in here!

What happened?

Why would you put
a hot pot on the stove?

Hot pots belong
on the stove, moron!

What's going on?

Nothing.

Can I take your order?

Yeah, we're starved.
Hey, how is the
Veal Veronica?

Tough. Very tough.

Today's special,
the Chef's Surprise?

What is that?

When I know, you'll know.

The eggs happen to be in season.

Eggs.

We'll take two cheese omelets.

Yeah.

Good choice. Coming up.

Two cheese omelets
right away, before
they leave.

Can't you see that
I'm in pain here?

Why are you fondling the Jell-O?

Because we're all out of butter.

And you know
whose fault that is.

Yours.

We are out of butter because
union drivers won't cross
a picket line

and we wouldn't have any pickets

if you hadn't thrown
our people out the door.

I didn't throw
nobody out the door.

They walked out the door
because you was weak.

How many times
have I gotta tell you?

Bosses don't have
to be weak no more.

We got
a government in there
now that's workin' for us!

Archie, can we stop this?
Can we just stop it right now?

Look, let's call
them back in here,

we sit down and we negotiate.

Now, Mr. Van Ranseleer has
agreed to be the mediator.
Hmm?

No! Jeez.

Wait, I'll get
you the vinegar.
Where's the vinegar?

- Stay away from me, please!
- Every time you get near me, you t*rture me.

Archie Bunker
don't negotiate
with no traitors.

Now, as soon as they
start freezin' out there,
they'll come crawling back.

What happened to my soup?

Murray, that should not
have been soup in there.

Why not?

Because I done the dishes in it.

It did the job. Now we
don't have a first course.

- Yes, we do, we do, we do.
- What?

I've been making it over here.

- Here, see, here it is.
- What is it?

Now, give me a hand with this.

Dependin' on how long
this has been cookin',

- this could be a two-man job.
- All right.

You hold the pot down
and I'll remove the food.

All right. What is it?

This is
an old recipe
I learned, see,

when I was in Foggia,
Italy, in WWII.

This here is
Spaghetti Ala Stronzo.

It looks
like it's been in
there since the w*r.

Why would you say a rotten
thing like that to me?

It reminds me of a land mine.

- It's been in the pot for hours.
- Don't you understand?

It has to come out, get some
air and breathe, so it can
loosen up.

And then it'll be lovely.

Hey, where's our food?

Hey, this ain't no
fast food joint, lady.

You want speed, you gotta
go to a drive-thru, you know?

Because everything in here
is cooked to individual taste.

- Here, here.
- Your turn to serve.

How can I do that with
this hand?

- They wanna see you.
- They asked for you.

All right, give me it,
give me it, give me it.

- Hold open the door for me.
- Okay. Come on.

- All right...
- They're nice people, too.

Let me through.

Hi, what's for lunch?

Aw, gee, kid,
you should've ate
at the cafeteria today.

Why shouldn't I eat here?

Because I love you.

How long are you gonna
keep everybody out there?

They're freezing.

Are they in pain?

Uh-huh. And they're
all calling you names.

What are they callin' me?

Who's Simon Legree?

A very great man.

He invented a cure
for St. Vitus' dance.

- Now, I got some personal friends to take care of here.
- Excuse me.

Here we are.

Ah, it's you again.

Do you know me?

This we've
been waiting
45 minutes for?

Ain't that what you ordered?

It's ridiculous.
A person could starve in here.

Oh, lady,
you'd be a long time
starvin' anywheres.

Hold it there.

I specifically ordered
mashed potatoes.

Come on, them is beautiful
Rhode Island Russets there.

Won't they mash?

She don't let you talk, eh?

- Come on, come on.
- A potato's a potato.

I ordered mashed potatoes,
and I want mashed potatoes.

You want mashed potatoes, huh?

All right.

Now you got mashed potatoes.

Hey, what's that
singing out there?

The singing... Oh, hey,
don't pay no attention
to them out there.

It's just a crowd
of derelicts, you know,

and they're
singin' in the hopes
of a turkey dinner.

Oh, can we get turkey for lunch?

No, because the guy that
strangles the birds went
to a matinee.

- You'll fall sick.
- You'll get poisoned!

- Hey, watch that.
- You could put an eye out.

Look at all of this.
You're a disgrace!
All of you here!

- And half of you don't even work here.
- You're just labor g*ons

sent down
by the union to
make trouble here!

Look at this! A couple of
mob guys if I ever seen 'em.

And you little whaddyacall...

Linda.

- Jeez.
- I take you off of a laundry truck and give you a nice inside job.

Nothin' personal, Mr. Bunker.
I just consider this
a career move.

Well, let me tell you somethin'.

Ronnie Reagan is gonna
put an end to all of
this crapola.

How?

Youse ain't never
gonna work again!

Thanks for comin' around,
Barney. Nice to see you.

Hey, what happened
to your hand, Arch?

Oh. A touch of arthritis
from the cold, that's all.

Oh, yeah, that's painful.

Oh, yeah. Very. Yeah.

May I say something to you?

Yes, ma'am.

You're a slob!

So, how's it goin', Arch?

- Barney, will you be a pal?
- Put on an apron and help us here?

Not me. I'm a union man.
It's one thing to cross
the line to say hello,

but scabbing is something else.

You're also supposed
to be my friend.

I am your friend and
I'm their friend, too.

Do you know
how hard this is on me?
Boy, I could sure use a drink.

Well, go and make it yourself.
And don't forget to write it
on your tab!

I thought for once you'd buy,

since you're
going out of business.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Where you going with that?

Murray said
I could take it to
Veronica and the g*ng.

You ain't
gonna give none of
them my coffee free.

Hold this.

I suppose they love
your Uncle Murray, huh?

That's what they say.

And what do they say
about your Uncle Archie?

What are youse lookin' at?

How's it going inside?

He's going crazy.

Aw, that good, huh?

Jose: Hey, Mr. Van R.

Veronica:
Give him a hand,
give him a hand there.

How are you all?

Veronica: Fine.
How you doin'?

I'm fine.
How are you all
holding up? Huh?

Oh, listen, we're still here
and it's getting colder
every minute.

Seems like
the man upstairs
is taking their side.

You got to remember,
he's management, too.

The way things are going,
Mr. Bunker's gotta
give in soon.

I mean,
he can't be
totally irrational.

Archie: If you don't
like the food in here,
go eat somewhere else.

Barney, what happened?

- It was horrible.
- He wanted me to sample this, this thing.

He kept calling it spaghetti.

This might
be a good time
to talk to him.

Stephanie: Good luck.

- Okay, okay, Mr. Van R.
- Be careful.

Mr. Van R.,
please come in.

You gotta help me.

You've got to talk some
sense into Archie, there.

I've had it.

Nobody needs to
talk no sense
into me!

Here he is.

Okay, thanks.
Thank you.

Oh, hiya there,
Mr. Van R.

How are you, Arch?

If you dropped in for lunch,

I'm afraid all I can offer
you there is a wedge of
spaghetti.

No, no, thanks.
Now, listen.

You've got some
employees out there

that wouldn't mind
coming back to work.

Listen, Mr. Van R.,
they can come back
any time they want,

as long as they
leave their union
on the front doorstep.

Just how long
do you think you
can go on like this?

Well, as long as it takes,
'cause I'll never be
a quitter.

- You'll never be a cook either.
- You're gonna ruin us.

No, I won't.

Can't you
get anything
through your head?

Everything goes through my head.

We've gotta let them in.

Not in my place. Never.

All right. I'm gonna
let them into my half.

All right,
you gonna be
weak, be weak.

All right, everybody,
come on in, let's talk.

In you go.
Leave those things.
Come on in where it's warm.

Oh, boy!

- Murray: Close the door after you, would you?
- That's it.

Oh, wow. I see
business is booming.

Listen, we're doin' fine,
Veronica.

Who are you kidding?

- Now, look.
- It's obvious to me that both sides need each other.

As long as this goes on,
both sides are the losers.

Now, let's sit down
and talk about the union.

We are sittin' down,
Mr. Van R.

Archie,
we can't go
on like this.

We can't afford a union.

- Look, all we have to do is raise a few of the prices.
- That's all.

That's what k*lled
your friend, Jimmy Carter.

- Arch, think about me, will you?
- I need a place to eat.

My heart may be with you,
but my stomach's
with Veronica.

Well, Veronica
ain't here no more.
She's gone. I don't need her.

- I don't need any of youse.
- I don't need any of youse!

Well, if that includes me,
you better find yourself
another partner.

Aw, come on, will you?
What are you startin'?

Are we supposed
to eat these omelets?

No, pal,
you wear them
as party hats.

Let's get out of this dump.

I'm sorry,
I heard this was
a nice little place.

It was a nice little place.

All right, all right,
all right, all right.

- Hold it, hold it, hold it.
- Hold it, everybody, now.

- Not youse two.
- Take a walk to Weehawken.

I'll make a deal with youse.

Come on back and see me
through lunch, and then
I'll talk.

- All right, now show your gratitude by getting into that kitchen.
- There.

Aw, jeez,
Arch, you know, after four
hours of picketing out there,

the union says we got
to have a 15 minute break.

Ready, g*ng?

All: Yeah.

All:
♪ Look for the union ladle

♪ Our buns are toasting

♪ Our salary's high

♪ With overtime

Okay, youse g*ons,

you'll all be
disappointed to know
that the strike is settled.

So now you can
go on into the city there
and sabotage the Waldorf!