02x19 - Death of a Saint

[bunniefuu]

♪ Dolly'll never go away

- That was terrific.
- Now, I'm tellin' you, you're a shoo-in.

That's right. She's gonna
be the star of the chorus.

I have to get in
the chorus first.

And that's right.

Don't worry, she's gonna get in.

Gee, you got another
Barbra "Streisland" there.

Come on, Uncle Archie.

Listen, sweetheart,
you better get back to school.

Now, when you sing
with the other kids,

don't forget, do it
sweet and softly, hmm?

No, no, no,
that ain't right at all.

You gotta belt it
out there, kiddo.

See, what they want
in a school chorus
is a lot of noise.

Okay.

What did you tell her that for?

Because I'm right!

Gee, did you ever hear of
the Norman Pumpernickel Choir?

I know what I'm talkin'
about there.

Big boomin' voices.

That's what they need
in choruses!

I didn't make the chorus.

Huh?

Miss Springer said my voice
was too brassy and loud.

Who is Miss Springer?

The music teacher.

The woman is a dope.

She said my voice wouldn't
blend with the others.

Oh, what is she talkin' about?

Your voice ain't
supposed to blend
with nobody else's.

You got a great voice there.

The way you sing, you make
all them other little girls
sound like strangled ducks!

This teacher don't know
nothin' about music.

She sang opera for 15 years.

That proves my point,

because opera stinks!

I know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna go over
to that school.

I'm gonna see that woman
before she leaves for the day

and I'm gonna
straighten her right out.

No, Uncle Archie.

I don't think
that's a good idea.

Oh, well, I'm goin'.

I know you're going,
but will you take my advice?

Don't be angry and yell.

Use a little charm.

What did you think
I was gonna do,
boot her in the behind?

Certainly I'm gonna
use charm there.

Let me tell you somethin'.

Charm used to be
my middle name before the w*r.

- Yes!
- Anytime I want, I can turn myself into a regular Wayne Newton!

Hey, there.

Could I have a little word...

I hated to interrupt you
that way, you know,

but I couldn't tell you
how beautiful your
singin' was

until you stopped singin'.

Oh! Well.

Well, I said to myself,

"That woman in there
must have sang in
the opera."

You could tell?

- Oh, sure I could tell.
- However...

However, I gotta say this.

That you know,
unlike a lot of women
who sing in the opera there,

that you have kept
your figure pretty slender.

- Oh, boy.
- I seen an opera one time, you know.

It was a disgrace.

That woman there,
that big fat dame, you know.

She had to be
carried onto the stage
by four colored soldiers.

I have tried to keep my shape.

Who are you?

I'm Archie Bunker.

Stephanie Mills,
that's my little niece.

Why don't you let her
into the chorus?

Mr. Bunker,
her problem is troppo forte.

Jeez, the kid's
in perfect health.

She must've had shots for that.

I think Stephanie
would do much better
in the spring musical,

not in my chorus.

Can I take a minute
to say somethin'
to you here?

I was so lookin' forward
to seein' my little niece

singin' in that chorus,
you know?

I'm raisin' her all by myself.

I mean, I'm a man with
very few pleasures left.

Oh? You're alone?

Yes, I am.

Give her a chance, huh?

Do you know what that kid
said to me just before
I come over here?

She told me that you were
her favorite teacher.

Really?

Would I lie?

And I said to her,
I said, "Stephanie,

I want you to show
that woman the greatest
respect in the world,"

because, I mean,
opera singers, oh...

I mean, they're geniuses.

Oh, thank you.

Ah, for nothin'.

Give her a chance, huh?

Well, maybe I could
think about it.

Aw, gee, I can't tell you
how delighted

that makes me feel,
Mrs. Whaddyacall...

Miss.

I could've guessed that.

Springer.

Springer, that's it.

Victoria.

Victoria!

- Ain't that nice, Victoria!
- Can I call you that?

Please.

Aw, gee-whiz.
I gotta get back to work now.

You work nights?

Not if I don't wanna.

I'm the boss of myself.

You must've seen
my little bar and grill,
Archie Bunker's Place?

It's only a hop, skip,
and a jump from here.

Hey, you know what
you ought to do someday?

You ought to drop in there
for lunch, you know,

and have a free lunch
on the house.

Oh, Mr. Bunker,
you're too generous.

Oh, Victoria. Nonsense.

Now, you do that, will you?

I'm goin' to be expectin' you.

And I'll tell them all
to be lookin' for you

to be comin' in
whenever you want.

And in the meantime,
as us fans say, you know,

when we're runnin' like hell out
of the opera house, "Tallyho!"

Good-bye, Mr. Bunker.

Good-bye!

- Here you go.
- It took me all day yesterday
to turn that woman around.

Yeah, how did you convince her?

Threaten to smash
her fingers in the piano?

Oh, listen, I ain't like them,

you know, garlic-eatin'
boyfriends of yours.

I know how to turn on
the old charm.

Oh, yeah? I find that
a little hard to believe.

Listen, bein' with a woman
is just like ridin' a bike.

You fall off a lot?

Jeez, that was
a degenerate remark.

All I meant was when you learn
how to handle a woman,

you never forget that.

Hey, sounds like
you was havin' a pretty
good time there, Arch, huh?

- Don't be ridiculous.
- It was terrible for me,

with that woman smilin' at me
and battin' her eyes.

I think she's interested.

Maybe it's 'cause
you're so macho.

- What do you mean, maybe?
- That was it.

Victoria: Hello!

Oh, my God, here she is,
Beverly Drills!

Mr. Bunker?

Oh, how are you, how are you?

- Gee, good to see...
- This is, uh...

Hello, you must be
Stephanie's music teacher.

Yes, that's who it is.

Yes. Victoria Springer.

How do you do?
Murray Klein.

You're every bit as attractive
as Archie said you were.

Archie, you never said that?

No, I...
Well, yeah, I did.
Sure, I said that.

But not in so many words,
you know.

I was just in the neighborhood

and I remembered
your invitation,

so here I am!

Oh, well,
I'm glad you come there.

- You done the right thing.
- Welcome, welcome.

We'll get you a table
right away. Molly?

- Yeah?
- Get over here.

We'll just...
Would you put the lady
in the far table over there?

You know, I wanna get you
a table a little bit away

from the riff raff, there, huh?

Don't be lookin' at me!

You'll be joining me, of course?

Well at the moment,
see, unfortunately,

I'm the only one here
who's got the, whaddyacall,

the expertise to kind of
construe the dessert there.

Hey, that's okay, boss.

I already dumped
the fruit salad
into the Jell-O.

So, I'll see you in a minute?

Yes, in a minute.
Any minute, any minute.
Yes, yes.

Don't laugh!

Listen, she's very sweet.

And for Stephanie's sake,

go and join her for lunch,
will you?

I know what to do,
but don't you laugh!

Okay, I won't laugh.

I'm gonna pay you back
for torturin' me.

My operatic career
was really at its peak.

Wonderful notices,

when tragically,
I had problems with
my diaphragm.

You become a mother too soon.

Archie, you're a scream!

Oh, I'm having so much fun!

I really want to
return the hospitality.

Oh, no, no,
what do you mean? Hey.

Dinner at my apartment.

Oh, no, no, oh, no,
that ain't necessary.

Oh, I really want to do it.

Saturday night, 7:00.

Oh, gee, Saturday night
is the worst night for me.

You told me
you didn't have to work
unless you wanted to.

Oh, well, that's true,
but I'll tell you why
Saturday's out.

Because Saturday, I fast.

I don't believe that.

Yeah, yeah, to atone
for the oil companies.

Not this Saturday,

because this Saturday
would be the perfect time
for us to discuss

Stephanie's future
with my chorus.

Oh, that's the way
it's gonna be, huh?

Yeah, well, okay, I'll be there.

Uh, listen, Victoria...

would you mind a lot
if we invited

my pitiful partner over there,

Murray, you know?

'Cause he's alone
and he's a very lonely guy.

Oh, I don't see
why we couldn't
include Murray.

Did I hear my name mentioned?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Come here, sit down.

Oh, thank you.
Here you are.

- Yeah.
- Hey, you know what's been happenin' over here?

No, I don't.

Yeah, well,
you're gonna love this.

You and me, we're invited
Saturday night to
Victoria's house for dinner.

I'll get my girlfriend,
Millie, to come along
for you.

Oh, well...

But listen, I don't want you
to go through all that trouble.

- It's not necessary.
- -No trouble at all, Murray Klein.

Right, Victoria?

No trouble at all.

Yeah.

Well, it's all settled, then.

Yeah. Here's luck.

Saturday night!

I told you I'd get you.

Oh, I hate this.

Stop fumbling with your tie.
I've already fixed it twice,

I'm not gonna do it
a third time.

It is too tight.

Lose weight.

I can't do that this minute.

Nobody I knew ever had a father
who went out with a teacher.

Listen, I ain't
goin' out with her.

I'm goin' to dinner with Murray
at her apartment.

So, what's it like
to go out on a date?

Will you get her to
stop this over here?

How many times
I gotta tell you,
it ain't a date!

See, this is your fault,
for tellin' me to use
my charm, you know.

Every time I use my charm,
it's a disaster.

Well, I didn't
tell you to be Don Juan.

Ah, I couldn't be
a Puerto Rican if I tried.

I told you
not to go see her
in the first place.

I'll get it.

Get it.

- Stephanie: Who is it?
- Murray.

- Hi.
- Hello, sweetheart.

Well, Arch, you ready
for the big night?

Why are you so up, up, up?

Well, I decided to be cheerful.

Oh, come on now,
it's only one night.

We're gonna have a lot of fun.

And I think we better
get started 'cause we
don't wanna be late.

- Don't we?
- No.

Try to be
back by 10:00.

Yeah, you know...
What do you mean? Why?

Because Miss Springer
wants to get married.
Everybody knows that.

Oh, my God, did you hear this?

Jeez.

Wouldn't it be wonderful
if she had a terrible headache
and gave us dinner to go?

Come on.

- All right.
- Lock all doors!

Bye.

Listen, Murray.
Come here.

I'm awful worried
about this, you know.

Will you just relax, please?

Be yourself.

No, forget that.

Be friendly, be nice,
tell a joke.

- Compliment her on her clothing.
- Women just love that.

Must be them!

Mine?

No, mine.

Oh, hi.

- Well, hello.
- Good to see you.

Oh, come in.
How dapper you look!

- Well, thank you.
- You, too, Archie.

- Oh, gee.
- Thank you very much.

You don't look bad yourself,
there, Victoria.

Though we caught you
in pajamas, huh?

Oh! You're such a kidder.

These are Gloria Vanderbilts.

Oh, you borrowed them, huh?

This is my dear friend,
Millie Peterson.

Archie Bunker.

- How do you do, how do you do?
- Hello, Archie.

- And Murray Klein.
- Murray.

Millie, that's one
of my favorite names.

- Stale, stale.
- Is that right?

Oh, and this is for you.

Oh, you shouldn't
have done that!

Oh, come on, delighted.

Oh, really, you shouldn't have.

It's from our storeroom,
it's a slow mover.

- I'm sure it'll be fine.
- We'll have it with dinner.

- Why don't we all sit down?
- All right.

- Let me take your hat.
- Thank you.

There.

Where should I sit?

Sit there.

- All right, I'll sit here.
- You sit here.

I'll go get the hors d'oeuvres.

Well, Victoria, you're livin'
in kind of a nice place here.

Well, it's a very old building.

Well, it suits you.

Well, I mean to say
it's the kind of a place

where you'd expect to find
a teacher, you know?

Because it's dignified
and dead quiet.

Thank you.

What?

Well, to continue here.

About the furniture,

I was noticing,
it's all very nice, really.

I got a daughter
out in California,

and she's got one of
these little toy sofas,
whaddyacall 'em...

It's a loveseat.

- Murray!
- I'm here.

Murray, an hors d'oeuvre?

Oh, don't they look delicious?

Yes, of course, I'll have one.

Here you go.

Archie, an hors d'oeuvre?

Well, I'm not
very strong for
stuff like this...

- Oh, they're delicious.
- You must try...

Try one, Arch.

Yeah, I'll have to...

Yeah, what the hell?

It's different, you know?

What do you call it?

- Sushi.
- You know, raw fish.

I think Archie got
a piece of octopus.

I think there's a bee in here.

- Where?
- Aw, the hell with him.

Well, Millie,
would you sit down, join me?

- All right.
- Get acquainted?

So tell me,
are you into music, too?

- Oh, I love it.
- I sing in the shower.

Well, I'd like to come by
and hear you some time.

So, Archie, tell me
something about yourself.

Well, uh...

I live at 704 Hauser Street.

You're very close.

Oh, excuse me.

I mean, tell me,
what are your interests?

I mean, do you like
museums, theater, ballet?

I can't bring
that stuff in, you know.

My channel 13 is squiggly.

Uh, do you like jokes?

I love them.

Yeah, listen,
I know a great joke
that Murray told me, see.

I wanna tell you this.

It seems that up in heaven,
wait a minute, hold it.

Hey, Millie, give over
that for a minute
and come over here, huh?

This is a great joke,
you gotta hear this joke.

It seems that up in heaven,

there was a Hebe,
a ch*nk, and a Polack.

No, Arch, no.

A Hebe and two ch*nk.

There's my ding-a-ling.
Zucchini's ready.

I'll glaze the veal.

- Oh, Murray, help yourself to drinks.
- -Thank you.

- You hear that?
- I hate "koozini."

Will you stop dropping
faux-pas all over the place?

I didn't drop nothin' no place.

Here, hey, I spit it
into the doily there.

Archie: I wanna tell you,
Millie, very good dinner.

Oh, Archie, the wine
was really excellent.

Aw, thank you, there.

Archie, didn't you
like the zucchini?

Uh, well, I'll tell you
the truth, there, Victoria,

it gives me "dyspoopsia."

Next course, cherries jubilee!

Oh, no, where are we
gonna put it?

- No, no, no, I can manage.
- Just enjoy.

Gee-whiz, look at the time.
8:15 already.

Ain't it funny how the eyes,
you know, start to...

Yes, well, you have
a cup of coffee, now.

I know you're gonna
perk right up.

Victoria: Archie!

Uh, what?

Victoria:
Can you give me a hand
for a second?

Yeah, all right.
Murray, come on
with me, huh?

- No, she's calling you.
- Murray, come with me!

Get in there.

Could you open this for me?

I know you're an expert.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- You come to the right party.

I'm an expert on
the bottles, see?
I'll tell you what.

When a cork sticks
like this, here's a trick,

you just turn on the hot water,

a couple of drops on
the neck of the glass there

and the glass expands
and then you just,
you know, you just...

You get out the cork,
very easy, just like that, see?

Put it down.

Yeah.

Oh, Victoria, I meant to
ask you all evenin', you know.

What about Stephanie
and the school chorus?

- I've thought about it.
- She's in.

- Aw, jeez!
- That's great!

Victoria, I can't tell you
how wonderful it makes
me feel, you know?

Jeez, I could kiss you,
only it's 8:20.

Archie, could you do
one more thing for me?

No.

Uh, well, that is to say, what?

- Well, could you get those glasses down?
- The liquor glasses.

I can't reach them.

Yeah, I can do that, sure.

- There's one and this...
- there they are.

Victoria, what's that for?

I've wanted to do that since
the first time I saw you.

Why?

Didn't you feel that
chill up your spine

the first time you saw me?

Yeah, you were singin'.

Archie, we could have
such fun together.

Aw, jeez, no, Victoria.

I don't think so, Victoria,
because I hate fun, you know?

Well, I have
a serious side, too.

I'm not always
frivolous and g*y.

I gotta tell you
somethin' about myself.

Give me a minute, here, hey?

Victoria...

you and me, you know...

we couldn't, whaddyasay,
do nothin' together because,

we ain't got the same,
whaddyacall, "instinctuals."

Is there something
wrong with me?

No, no, nothin' wrong with you.

It's me. It's just that
I ain't a regular guy.

Let me, let me try to put it
to you delicate, you know.

I...

I'm q*eer.

What? You?

Yes. Yes!

I only just come out of the
cupboard the first of January.

I-I can't believe it.

Ah, but, Victoria, it's true.
It's true.

Now listen, we better get
right back outside there

because Murray is
a very, very jealous man.

Murray, too?

Yeah, I mean that business
of ours, that's only a blind.

But he was getting on
so well with Millie.

Well, yeah, he can do that.

See, 'cause he's one of them...

You heard of them guys,
you know, they call them
a "bilingual."

He's the one of us
that's attracted to
the women's clothes.

Get out of my way.

- That's a very attractive dress you're wearing.
- Is that real silk?

It's chiffon.

Millie! A word...

What's going on?

Let's get the hell out of here!

But I'm having fun.

- Forget that, forget that.
- Here's your hat.

- That's yours. Okay.
- Here's yours.

Come on, come on,
we done what we
come for, huh?

I got the kid
back into the chorus,

we had our dinner here
and I took care of Victoria.

How?

I told her that I'm promised
to somebody else.

Who?

Oh, Murray, does that really
make a difference, huh?

It's somebody you'd approve of.

Look, I'm going inside,
you'll excuse me, to
find out what...

- No, Murray, Murray, no.
- No, wait a minute.

Let me see what happened there.

Millie, what's goin' on?

Oh, Murray,
you should have
told me about this.

Told you what?

That you and me is partners
for the last two years.

What's wrong with that?

- Get out of here.
- Just get out.

- Get out!
- Get out!

Okay, okay! I get it.

I've been out with some
strange women in my life,
but those two are crazy!

Yeah, women, women.
Who the hell needs women?

I thought that was
a weird bunch in your bar.

Oh, Victoria, come on,
live and let live.

Oh, by the way, I forgot to
mention, I love your drapes.