03x04 - Norma Rae Bunker

[bunniefuu]

He asked Amy Bloom
to the carnival,
she said, "No".

Then he asked
Nancy Jenkins
and she said, "No".

Then he asked me
and I said, "No".

Well, what's wrong with him?

He wears his shirt
inside out and eats
notebook paper.

I once knew a boy
who ate library paste.

Ew!

God, do youse have to be
talking about boys so
early in the morning, eh?

You know there's
a time for that.

When?

When I ain't here.

Uncle Archie says if Adam
had never met Eve,

the world would be better.

I didn't say better,
I said quieter.

Eat your cereal.

I'm only eating the fruit.

Billie says there's enough
chemicals in there to k*ll
a whale.

- What are you talking about?
- Whales don't eat cereal, they eat human beings.

- Don't you understand?
- It's the sugar that's bad for you.

You're wrong.

Your average American
needs about a
half a pound of sugar

every day
just to stay awake
in this country.

Look it up.

Please just leave
the nutritionarianism
in this house to me, huh?

And another thing,

I seen you down
at the joint yesterday,

you washing off the tables
with the soap and water.

Don't do that no more,
use that special spray
we got.

That stuff is bad
for the environment.

Why?

It's aerosol.

No, it's
"Sweet Pines
of the Yellowstone".

I mean, we use that
so that the customers
will like it, you know.

It takes their minds
off of what's

wafting in from the
kitchen on the one side

and from the restrooms
on the other side.

Just do what I tell you, huh?

And let that be true
for the two of youse
all the time.

Don't always be arguing.

The two of youse
just do what I tell you,
life could be beautiful.

Pick up, United Nations Special.

Oh, that's me.

Thank you.

Here we are, Yankee pot roast,
Italian sausage, French fries,
and Russian on the salad.

And if w*r breaks out
in your stomach, remember,

I didn't start it.

- What's the matter, Sid?
- Don't you like Veronica's yogurt pie?

I hate it.

Well, come on,
it's good for you.

Will you look at her, huh?
Jazzin' around here kibitzing
with all the customers.

Now she's sitting down
with Sid, having a chat.

The next thing you know,
she'll be feeding him.

She is.

What?

Take it easy. Your niece
is doing a great job.
All the customers love her.

I want a waitress, Harry,
not a visiting nurse.

Ah, look at this. God!

Excuse me here,
but, Sid, if you don't mind
feeding time is over, huh?

Can't you give some service
to the hungry customers?

There's a guy over here
who's gettin' ready to
nibble on the tablecloth.

Okay. Okay.

Hi, how are you today?

About ready
to eat the tablecloth.

How's the liver?

It's pretty good,
if you like organs.

Why don't you order
the steak sandwich?
It's the special today.

Uh, excuse me.
Just a minute.
Would you mind?

Every day I have
to have a little chat with
my niece here right at 12:22.

What's wrong now?

What is the matter with you?
Why are you pushin' the $3.95
special over the $5.95 liver?

- Well, I was just being honest.
- I don't like liver.

But who cares what you like?
You ain't Julia's Child!

Archie, will you
quit pickin' on her?

Billie is a joy
to have around here.

She's the best waitress
you've got, and you know it.

I'm just trying to be helpful.

If a customer doesn't
know what to order,

I like to recommend something.

Fine, then recommend
the high-priced items.

Can you do that?
Like for instance,
the seafood platter for four.

But he's just one person.

So what? If the good Lord
didn't want people
to order more than they eat,

he never would have
bestrowed upon this world
the doggie bag.

Can I get back
to my customer now?

Yeah, yeah, but remember,
the bigger the check,
the bigger the tip, eh?

She must be doing
something right.

Sid just had
pie and coffee, he left
five bucks on the table.

When was the last time
somebody left you
five bucks, huh, huh?

When was the last time
you was workin' in the
kitchen, huh, huh?

Hello, Bunker.

Oh, God, here comes
big-budget brain!

I've got something
for you to sign.

My arm is half-broke
from all the crapola
you had me signin' last week.

That was just the first round.
Saving this business is
a 15-round title fight.

Ah, come on, youse accountants,

you're always making
everything sound worse
than it is.

All right, come on, let's go.
Gee, you've got something
for me to sign,

let's go on here
in the office, get
the t*rture over with.

Hi, Billie.
How you doin'?

Oh, hi, uh,
you're working today?

Yeah, well, there's a lot
I gotta do around here
to pull this place together.

Yeah.

Say, you do know what I do
around here, don't you?

Well, sure,
you order the napkins
and the straws.

Oh, Billie, you have
no conception of what
the problem is.

No. What's
the problem?

Archie: Hey, Costello!

- That's the problem.
- Your uncle.

Archie:
Come on, will you?

I'm warning you, Costello,
I ain't got much time
to spend on this mess.

I'm spending time
on the mess, that's why
you can see the phone.

Never mind the wisecracks, huh?

All right, but before we get
started, the name is Abbott.

Whose name?

My name.

Then why do you keep
call yourself Costello?

I have never
called myself Costello,
you call me Costello.

Aw, jeez, a perfectly
innocent and harmless mistake
that anybody could make.

- Come on, come on.
- What's the bad news?

All right. All right.
Just sign this,
and I'll be on my way.

Yeah, all right.
But wait a minute, huh?
Let me look at it.

I want to know what
I'm signing first here?

That is the reimbursement
check to the bank for your
liability insurance,

which the bank covered
when you failed to pay it and
I explained all this last week

so will you please
just sign the check?

I'm signing it, I'm signing it.

Eight hundred and fifty dollars?

Eight hundred
and fifty dollars.
Sign it!

You don't have
to get nasty about it.

I'm signing it.

- God.
- Jeez, for $850, you know, you'd think the bank

could give me
a little something like a
premium or a calendar with

- Mr.
- Reagan's picture on the front of it, or at least a blender.

Bunker, what you get is
the opportunity to stay in
business. Sign the check.

I'm signing it.

Here. Here.

All right. All right.
So, how's your new
waitress turning out?

My new waitress,
what's that to you?

Well, obviously I'm interested
in all facets of the business.

- Is she efficient?
- Does she work well?

Does she have a boyfriend?

Uh, keep your mind off of that
facet of the business, huh?

Anyway, I should think a guy
like you would have a
girlfriend of his own.

- Not anymore.
- She moved out.

Was you living with a girl?

Sure I've lived with a couple.

A couple, huh?

Uh... in some kind
of a whaddayacall,

a menage-a-troos there?

No, one at a time.
Hey, what do you think I am?

I know what you are.

But whatever you are,

you stay away from
my little niece out there.

She's an innocent young girl.

Oh, how young is she?

She's about 12.

And she's from down
the state of Maryland,
you know,

the country, way out
in the toolies, someplace.

And I don't want her
spoiled by the likes of you.

Okay, okay.-

Excuse me.

Archie Bunker's Place,
A. Bunker here.

Oh, hiya, Chuck.

- Yeah, this is Chuck from Chuck's Meats.
- You seen the checks there.

Did you get my check, Chuck?

Uh, the check for the chickens.

Yeah, well, check will you?

But before you check, Chuck,

I was glad to notice
that, the chickens,

they was already strangled,
and plucked, Chuck.

Where are you going?

To the bank, Bunker.

Well, see that you don't
be castin' your eyes

with the desirables, see,
on my little niece, will you?

You? No, no,
not you, Chuck.

- Why would I be telling you that?
- You're an old man.

Pick up, steak sand.

Pick up, steak sand.

- Oh, that's me.
- Thanks, Harry.

- Hi, again.
- Hello.

Are you busy, or can you
get me a cup of coffee?

I'm busy. Harry,
can you get him a cup
of coffee, please?

Say, I'll bet New York
is quite a change for you?

Not like that
little farm town
where you grew up.

This hustle and bustle
and tall buildings.

Oh, yes, you know,
I'd never ridden

in an elevator
before I came here.

No kidding. I practically
grew up in an elevator
on Central Park West.

Oh, you must be so worldly.

Well, I've been around.
Where did you grow up?

In a haystack
in downtown Baltimore.

Oh, now, you're putting me on.

What makes you say that?

Hey, seriously, look,
tonight you and I are
gonna go out to dinner.

Oh, we are?

- That's right.
- I'm gonna show you the town.

Maybe I'm busy.

Oh, well, are you?

No.

So there's no problem.

Yes, there is.

Tonight is the night
I have to change the bag
in my vacuum cleaner.

- Hey, wait a minute.
- Wait a minute.

Are you saying
that you don't want
to go out with me?

Gee, you are pretty
worldly, aren't you?

Cream and sugar?

- Forget the coffee.
- I need a shot.

Well, Harry make
that shot a cash sale there.

Just a minute, will you,
Barbara Lee, there.

Uh, Billie...

Billie, whatever.

This accountant
was just askin' you out.
Wasn't he?

- Yes, he was...
- Yes, he was. Don't talk
when I'm talking to you.

I don't want you going out
with him, understand?

'Cause he's got the loosest
pair of morals I ever
seen on a young man.

Don't go out with him.
I forbid that.

You understand what I'm saying?

Yes, I understand
what you're saying.

Good. Now do your work
like a nice little girl.

The kid's gonna do
what she wants to, Arch.

No, she ain't, she's gonna
remember what I told her here.

Billie:
Um, Roger...

why don't you pick
me up at my uncle's
house at 8:00?

704 Hauser Street.

Roger: All right, fine.

8:00. I'll be there.

The kid's got
a short memory, Arch.

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Wait a minute,
what has she got on...

Oh, hold it, hold it, hold it.

You can't leave this house
wearing them things.

What? I'm wearing jeans.

- I know what they are.
- I seen them on TV there.

With the kid bendin'
over double backwards
in her Melvin Kleins.

Jeans leads to no good.

I think Billie looks sexy.

That leads to no good.

Ain't you got homework to do?

Math. I did it.

Well, do it again.

Always find the
second answers there,

'cause in my experience
every column of figures
has two different answers.

Let me get back
to this other case.

Where's Mr. What's-his-name
takin' you tonight?

- I don't know.
- I'm leaving that up to him.

Jeez, if you don't care
that much, why don't you
just stay home with us two?

- Because I wanna go out.
- I wanna have a good time.

- I hate that.
- Don't go in his car.

Why not?

Don't you know nothing?

What do you want to do,
wind up in some
dark drive-in

where you won't know
where his hands are
until it's too late?

You shouldn't be
listenin' to none of this!

I'll get it.

- Hi, Roger.
- Come on in.

Thanks, Stephanie.

- Hey, Billie.
- I like your jeans.

Oh, jeez, it starts already.

- Nice house, Bunker.
- Thank you.

It's just, I expected
something different.

Oh, yeah?
What did you expect?

I thought I'd see
a little black jockey
out on your front lawn.

Come on, Roger, let's go.

Wait a minute there, Costello,
I want to ask you something.

Archie, please.

Hey, this is important.

Where are you taking
my niece tonight?

I don't know.

You don't know?

No.

- She don't know, you don't know.
- Who the hell knows?

Let's go, Roger,
we're going to be late.

Late for what?

I don't know.

Hey, Costello,
you better bring that kid home
from "I don't know" by 10:00!

I hope you guys
have a nice time!

"I hope you guys
have a nice time."

Why would you hope
for a terrible
thing like that?

Wouldn't it be wonderful
if they fell in love?

No.

And let me tell you somethin',

if them two falls in love,
it's going to be no movies
for you for six months.

I mean it. I mean it.

You're not
the Reverend Philip Armstrong,
you're Boston Blackie.

Blackie: You can't
pin this on me, Inspector.

- Inspector: Oh, no?
- Explain why the last words

scrawled in blood
on Cartwright's desk were,

"Blackie did it."

Blackie:
That doesn't mean
it was me.

Inspector:
Come on, Blackie,
let's go downtown.

Blackie:
You won't take me,
Inspector.

Archie!

- Hey, Archie!
- Wake up and let me in.

Hey, Sarge, Company B thinks
we're the Germans again.

Hey, Archie, it's Billie.

Who?

Billie.

Billie! All right.

- Hold it, just a minute.
- I'll let you in.

Oh, jeez, look at the time.

The guy that invents
rubber coffee tables
is gonna make a fortune.

All right. Hang on,
I'm comin' to the door now.

I'm puttin' the light on
here, I'm takin'
the chain off for you now.

- Thanks.
- How did you expect me to get in with the chain on?

I didn't expect you
to get in with the chain on,

so you could nip
past me here slumbering
on the sofa. Come on in.

What was you doin' out
until 2:00 a.m.?

3:00 a.m., and I was
having a great time.

I don't wanna hear that.

Did you do anything tonight
you should be ashamed of?

Would you be happy if I told you

that Roger and I
spent the entire evening
in his apartment?

Why the hell would you think
that would make me happy?

Then I won't tell
you that. Goodnight.

- Wait a minute, kid, here.
- I'm your father's brother, you know?

I'm your uncle, you know?

You're my niece, you know?

She don't know nothin'.

Jeez, Lord, did I do
somethin' wrong, huh?

You put me through this
teenage t*rture
all over again?

Or are you just
in one of your
playful moods?

Here it is, Sid.
Meatloaf Nicaragua.

Swell!

Hey, Billie,
I hear you had a good time
on your date last night.

Archie: Shut up!

- Oh, I had a terrific time.
- I was out till 3:00 a.m.

Do you have to yell
that out to the world?

3:00 a.m.? That's pretty
late for a first date.

Oh, well, you know,
there's a chance
nothing happened.

Yeah, one in a million.

Listen, I could
k*ll this guy,
Costello, you know?

No, don't do that, Arch,
you might need him
for the shotgun wedding.

Ah, come on, cut that out!

And here he is!

I'm gonna straighten
him right out now.

Now, don't forget,
he's taking care
of the business.

Ah, the business he's takin'
care of, you don't need no
addin' machine for that.

Hey, Costello there,
could I see you
in the office here, huh?

Please?

Oh, hi, Roger.

Hi, Billie.

Archie: Now, Costello!

Sit down there, huh?

What's the big emergency?

You break the calculator again?

Hey, nothing in this
office is broke...

at the moment.

And what does that mean?

- Just sit down, huh?
- Sit down.

I just wanna have a little
talk with you, man-to-man,
huh?

Let me start.

Now it's a well-known fact,
that youse guys that
fool around with figures,

and I know this
from my ex-partner,
Murray Klein, there,

is they got these
sexual surges, you know,

that's in a permanent
state of carousals.

Bunker, Billie and I went
to a double feature and sat
in a coffee shop, that's all.

God, a double feature.

What pictures did you see?

It was a couple of
G-rated films that
Billie insisted on seeing.

Swiss Family Robinson and
Raccoons of the Wilderness.

What was the subject
of the raccoons picture?

It opens with Baby Raccoon
being chased by evil Mr. Fox,

and then the mean hunter
with the wooden leg...

Cut, cut, cut.

Well, let's say I believe you.

You gotta be out of
two pictures by midnight.

That's when we went
to the coffee shop.

What could you do
in a coffee shop
for three hours?

Both: Drink coffee.

Cut it out, you took
her to your apartment.

No, no apartment.

In fact, the only physical
contact we had all evening was

when our hands accidentally
touched in the popcorn box.

Outside of the popcorn box,
what else touched?

Nothing touched.

She didn't even
want to talk to me.

Then why did she stay
with you for three hours?

I don't know. I don't know
why she went out with me.

- Neither do I.
- I certainly told her not to.

You told her
not to go out with me?

You damn right, I told her.

I told her she was
a child, and I ordered
her to say no to you.

And why she turned
right around and said
yes, I'll never figure.

But she ain't gonna say yes
no more, 'cause you
ain't gonna ask her no more.

Now, do you understand
what I been telling you here?

Now I understand.

Good. 'Cause I hate
to waste my valuable time.

Billie, I want to talk to you.

- Later, okay, 'cause I'm busy.
- -No, now!

Excuse me, what is this?

You used me last night.

You only went out with me
to spite your uncle.

I just talked to him
so don't try to deny it.

I haven't said anything yet.

Boy, am I surprised at you!

I didn't think you were
that kind of person.

Well, I'm not, really.

Things just sort of
happened, and you got
caught in the middle.

- I'm sorry.
- I really am.

You know what bothers me?
You never gave me a chance.

Well, I might have if you'd
talked to me straight,
like you are now.

I mean yesterday,
you were coming on
to me like you were

James Bond selling used cars.

Yeah, well...

I guess I was trying
a little too hard
to impress you.

Why don't we just
forget yesterday,
okay?

And maybe we can go out
again and try to get
to know each other.

Yeah, maybe we could.

Good.

Bambi and Dumbo
are coming
to the Imperial.

Okay, I deserved that.

Archie: Costello!

Costello!

I was just leaving, Bunker.

I'll see you, Billie.

Bye, Roger.

Archie, look at me.

What?

I'm grown up!

Oh, jeez, don't be askin' me
to notice that. Now sit down.

You have to understand
that I need to live
my life my own way.

Sure, but just give me
a little time to show
you how to do that,

and then you're on your own.

Now, last night I was
startin' to tell you
some things, you know,

about men, that most women
generally don't know.

When you go out with
a guy to the movies,

you always make sure
that you have
your own popcorn box.

And then, for some reason,

only the Lord knows why,
he created young men

into savage animals.

- Now that's "A" and "B".
- But the most important thing is three.

And that is that we all got
these certain feelings, see,
these joys.

But, uh, it's better if

here on Earth,
we put them things
down, see?

'Cause then we're gonna
have 'em again
in the hereafter.

But will they be as good?

Well, uh...

- what do we care?
- We're gonna be dead, ain't we?

You've really given me
a lot to think about.

- Oh, yeah?
- Well, that's good.

That's good.
I'm glad to hear that.
That's nice.

And listen here,
remember another thing.

You know, you're
my brother's kid,

so that makes you
like my kid, there,
and all I want to do

is give you all the benefits

of my whole world of experience.

Thanks.