03x08 - Growing Up Is Hard to Do: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

Announcer:
She's got Freda
by the hair...

Here you are.

What's that?

The material you wanted.

That's not the material.
Those are his pants.

I found them
in the back
of his closet.

He never wears them.

- Let's ask him.
- You ask him.

Archie...

Get me a beer, will ya?

I'll get it.

We're making
a patchwork quilt
over here...

Beautiful.

And we thought we'd use this.

Beautiful.

You're sure?

Use whatever
you want there, kid.

Go, Freda, go, babe!

Oh, by the way,
there's a fire
in the kitchen.

- Swell.
- While you're in there, get me a beer, huh?

- See?
- Nothing to it.

- Aw, jeez.
- You know what I admire about these women

is the savagery there, you know?

- There's no love in 'em.
- It's all pure hate.

- How can you watch that wrestling?
- It's all rigged.

Listen, just 'cause
they know who's gonna win,
don't mean I do.

I'm back!

Archie:
Hi there, kiddo.

Don't you look snazzy there.
Where ya been?

Amy Bloom's Bat Mitzvah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I always thought
it was "Bar Mitzvah."

- That's for boys.
- Bat Mitzvah is for girls.

It's like confirmation,
isn't it?

Sort of.

According to Jewish law,
it means you've
become an adult.

Well, I don't care
what the Jews say,
by me you're still a kid.

Did you have a nice time?

- Oh, it was a beautiful ceremony.
- Amy read from the Torah.

And there was
so much food
at the reception.

You should've seen
the parting of the Red Sea
in Jello.

What are we gonna do
for my Bat Mitzvah?

They got Fat Freda on there.
She's fightin'
the Elephant Lady.

This here's
a grudge match there.

We gotta plan my reception.
It's only two weeks away.

- Aw, come on, kid.
- Give me a break, will ya?

I can't figure out
them Jewish affairs.

You gotta ask somebody else
that's been persecuted there.
Ask Mrs. Canby.

Go, go, Freda!
There, look at that knee!
Right in the kidneys there!

Hey!

- Freda's pulled the sack off the Elephant Lady's head there!
- Look at the...

- What a face!
- Look at this here!

You missed it, see.
They went to the commercial.

This is one of your
unforgettable moments
in sports.

Why did you do that?

We don't even know
where my reception's
gonna be.

We could hold it at the bar.

Oh, no, no, you can't
hold a thing like that
at a bar.

Well, then you'll
have to rent a place.

Eh, well, I guess we could
hold it at the bar there.

- Now gimme that thing!
- I don't wanna have to chase ya!

What about the guest list?

Invite whoever ya want there,

only I don't want a bunch
of boys hangin' around.

If she wants to invite
some boys, I'm sure they'll
be well-behaved.

It's not exactly a pajama party.

All your friends
will be there, too.

We'll all pitch in
to help. It'll be fun.

Of course,
I gotta invite Grandma.

- Hold it, hold it.
- What do ya mean?

- Your Grandma Harris?
- Why do you want her?

Why?

Because she's
my grandmother
and she's Jewish.

Oh, you gotta come up
with some better reasons
than that.

Archie, her grandmother
has to be included.

All right, we'll have
a photographer, right?

We'll take a lot
of beautiful pictures
and send her some.

I want her to be
in the pictures.

Oh, God, that woman,

jeez, she talks to me
like I got no class
and no taste.

- Gimme that, will ya?
- I wanna see the Korean midgets.

- All right.
- Then she's coming.

- Oh, gee.
- All right, all right.

We'll tell her tomorrow.
She's coming by to take
Stephanie shopping.

Tomorrow?

She's comin' again so soon?

She was just here
six months ago.

Go, go, go, you little gooks!

And one more cut,

and a radish becomes a rose.

- Not bad, huh?
- How'd you do?

This look like a rose?

No.

I kinda like it, though.
It reminds me
of Jimmy Durante.

Oh, come on.
Don't feel so bad.
It's your first try.

Get some more practice,
you'll do okay.

I think you're gonna get
plenty of practice, too,

when we do this
stuff for Stephanie's
Bat Mitzvah.

We gonna do that?

Well, Archie didn't say
anything, but listen,
figure it out for yourself.

Either he pays
a fancy caterer
hundreds of dollars

or he makes us
do it for nothing.

- I think you better pass the rest of the radishes.
- I gotta practice.

All right.

How's it going?

Hey, this thing for Stephie,

this ceremony,
what you call it...

Bat Mitzvah.

I thought that was
for baby boys.

- No, no.
- That's something else.

- A Bat Mitzvah, it's like a confirmation.
- You know, confermazione.

- Oh, everybody gets her presents.
- - Yeah.

Oh, yeah, well, for that
I got my little niece
a gold cross at Alexander's.

Jose, a gold cross
is not exactly one of your
top Bat Mitzvah gifts.

- It's not?
- It's not.

Oh. Well, then what
am I gonna get her?

Hey, when you were
Stephie's age,
what did you want?

Cleavage.

Can I get this "cleavage"
at Alexander's?

Listen, you know what I thought?

I thought maybe we'd
all sorta go in
together on somethin'.

Yeah.

In fact, I've got
a couple of good ideas...

Hey, what do you think, huh?

It's prettier. It looks like
Jimmy Durante's sister.

Hey, leave the radishes
to me till you graduate
in remedial chopping.

Pick-up!

Well, the fact is
I've been kinda planning
this whole thing

for the last couple of months.

I even thought it'd
be lovely to invite
the kid's grandmother.

It's a great idea
to have it here.

It's like Stephie's second home.

I assume this is
gonna be catered?

Oh, sure.

By you.

- Thank you.
- I'd love to volunteer.

What are you worried about?
It ain't gonna be hard.

All you gotta do
is whip up a big batch
of ham sandwiches,

you get yourself a load
of them little weenies
wrapped with the bacon,

you know, and some lovely
c*ck shrimps.

This is a Bat Mitzvah,
not a luau.

None of that stuff
you mentioned is kosher.

So can't you get in
somethin' kosher there,

have platters of them
crackers, you know, that only
the Jews can eat, the Mazdas.

We'll ask Stephie
what she wants to serve, huh?

Hey, where is the kid anyhow?
She didn't come in for lunch.

Oh, well, as you might
know, out shopping
with her grandmother.

The woman limos in here
a couple of times a year

- from Manhasset...
- Arch...

and she trots the kid
around the most expensive
stores in New York...

- Arch...
- spending all that moolah

that her unfortunate
husband slaved for...

- Arch...
- before he croaked
and she cashed in.

That's right.

Why didn't you say somethin'?

Well, you know, when you
creep up on a conversation,

you're liable
to hear anything,
huh, Stella?

Estelle.

Yeah, whatever.

You all remember my grandmother.

Sure, sure they all
remember there.

They was all with me
in the courtroom,
you know,

cheerin' me on the day
that I won the custody
of you from her.

I'm glad to see
you all under
happier circumstances.

Well, shoppin' all day
and only one bag, huh?

Oh, the rest is in the limo.

Somethin' I can get you,
Mrs. Harris?

- A little white wine might be nice.
- Thank you.

Oh, yeah, no charge
on this, Harry.

And here's a woman who
always demands the best,
you know,

so unscrew a new gallon,
will ya?

How about it, Stephie?
I got some fresh apple pie.

- Great.
- I'm starving after all that shopping.

Oh, jeez, yeah.

It's a tough life
there, huh, kid?

We had a great time.

Stephanie got some shoes
and some jeans
and an overcoat

and a few little things
she really needed.

I'm glad you said a few,
'cause I know you wouldn't
wanna spoil the kid.

- Oh, I'd love to.
- It's such fun.

We was just talkin'
about Stephie's Bat Mitzvah.

It's gonna be a first
for this place.

Oh, yes.

Uh...

May we sit down?

Yeah, sure,
park it over there
if you want.

Arch, a glass of this for you?

- Are you kiddin'?
- Draw me a beer.

Ah, well...

- I'll get right to the point.
- It's this place.

What about this place?

It's not suitable.

Aw, come on. What are
you talkin' about?

I mean, this is fine here.

We got all this room.

We got a kitchen over there,
your restaurant here,

in behind ya there
you got your
separate toilets.

Archie, this ceremony
has a religious meaning.

It's a sacred rite
deeply rooted
in tradition,

and it requires
a dignified setting,

like my country club.

Oh, a country club...

We have a beautiful
ballroom for dancing

and a sit-down dinner.

A magnificent
five-course meal,
with capon and prime ribs

and a gorgeous dessert buffet

and strolling violins.

Violins.

Listen there, Estelle,
you know, we really don't
need none of that stuff.

Well, I was going to say,
I'm going to pay
for everything.

I don't care.

The point is I don't want you
pushin' a nice, normal kid
like Stephanie

into the middle of all
that high-class refinery.

Why? Because you wouldn't
be comfortable? Because your
pride is getting in the way?

Oh, I ain't got no pride!

What I mean is, I just don't
like you comin' in here
and tellin' me what to do.

Archie,

would you please
think of Stephanie
for one minute?

Her mother gone,
her father abandoning her.

And now she has
a wonderful chance
to shine.

Please, can't we make
the most of it?

Well, sure, that's exactly
what I wanna do,

but I mean, I wanna
do it right here,
you know.

I know why you wanna
take her out to that
country club there.

You wanna show
the kid off to all of
your la-di-da friends.

There's no reasoning with you!

Do you two have to argue?

I ain't arguin', kid,

I'm just tellin' your grandma
that we have to have the
Bat Mitzvah reception here.

You don't wanna go way out
in Long Island there,

30, 60, 90
miles away to some
country club

where the waiters dress
better than the guests.

Archie, it's not fitting
to hold a religious event
in a saloon.

Hey, listen,
all religions come in here
lookin' for money.

Well, I don't want it here
or in a country club.

I want it home.

Home?

In that house?

Yeah, why not?

Oh, well, listen, kid,

the house wouldn't be too good.

I mean, you don't want
a whole lot of strangers
traipsin' in and out of there

you know, walking
around the place,

pokin' into the closets,
trying on our clothes.

Please can we
have it at the house?

That's where I really want it.

Yeah, but I don't think
we can handle somethin'
like that at the house.

We can if I cater it.

Then it's settled.

Now can I go home
and try on my new jeans?

Let's go.

Now, hold it, hold it.

Come on, I mean,
it ain't 100% settled
there, I mean...

It's okay, but, listen,
you gotta promise to play
the game by my rules.

Such as?

That you won't
go overboard,
as usual.

Moi?

No, you.

"And finally,
on this special day,

I would like to quote
the immortal words

of the bard
William Shakespeare,
who said..."

Make way for the chopped liver!

I'll never get this speech
memorized by 10:00.

Don't be nervous, honey.

Just relax and start
from the beginning.

"Friends, relatives,
honored Rabbi.

I want to thank
all of you..."

Where's Archie?

Well, I guess
I could always put it
on index cards.

If you want him,
he's at the bar,
getting some extra liquor.

No, no. I just hope
he stays there.

Have you seen what
they're doing out there?

Where's Maurice?

Outside unloading the truck.

Would you tell him
the florist isn't here yet?

And ask him if he
ordered the extra salmon.

Sure, I'll go tell
him right now.

Now let me see,

are there any loose ends?

Archie:
Hey, hey, where ya takin'
my furniture there?

That stuff was paid for
years ago!

Oh, yes.
That's the last loose end.

- What the hell is goin' on?
- Do you see what's happenin' out there?

There's two Puerto Rican
guys in a truck, they're
rippin' off my sofa.

They'll bring it back.

They're just storing
the furniture while they're
setting up for the party.

Hey, watch your end, buddy!

- I knew this was gonna happen.
- I knew it.

I knew you was gonna
go overboard on me.

Archie, it's going to be lovely.

You know I hate lovely.

Wait, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

- Wait a minute.
- What're you doin' with the chair?

Maurice says
everything's gotta go.

- Oh, yeah?
- Who the hell is Maurice?

Our caterer from the club.

Aw, jeez.

Hey, look, do I
leave it or move it?

- Move it.
- You leave it.

Make up your mind, will ya?
I get paid to move.

Move your butt!

- Just take the table.
- That'll be all for now.

Why can't you cooperate?

- That's another word I hate, you know.
- "Cooperate."

Hey, come on,
we've got to get
ready for temple.

Yeah, sure, I know,

but who moved the brown pants
to the suit I was gonna wear?

I know nothing
about your brown pants.

Mrs. Harris, I...

Why is that
revolting chair
still here?

Because it happens to be
supporting the gentleman

who's the head
of this household,

and here it will stay,

and you can tell that
to your f*g caterer
Maurice.

You just did.

Oh, you're a colored guy,
are ya?

Hey, listen,
no intense offended there.

I just wanted to
tell you that the florist
is on his way over.

And in the meantime,
I'll be out back...

flitting about.

While he's flittin' about
there, why don't he just
close the door, huh?

The heat is escaping.
It costs us money.

Hiya, Arch.

Oh, my God.

Floyd Mills.

Dad?

Stephie!

Dad!

I don't believe it.

It's nice to see
you again, honey.

Well, Floyd, as you can see,
we're very busy here
at the moment, you know.

Maybe you could go away
and come back some other time
in the future.

Uncle Archie,
I wanna see him now.

- Do somethin', huh?
- I'd like to.

Well, all right, Floyd.
Come on in there for
a moment or two here, but...

Listen, I gotta warn ya
right up front

that we ain't got
a drop of booze
in the house.

It's no problem,
Arch. I'm dry.

I've heard that song before.

Nice to see you,
Mrs. Harris.

- There's Archie.
- We ought to get ready to go.

What's going on?

Well, um...

Oh, Mrs. Canby,
Billie,

- this is my father.
- My real father.

Oh. It's nice
to meet you.

Same here.

Well, excuse me.
I'm going to go upstairs and get dressed.

Me too.
I'll see you all later
at the temple.

You see, Floyd,
everybody is dispersin',

so maybe you can
take a hint, huh?

- What do you mean, Arch?
- I'm here for my daughter's Bat Mitzvah.

How did you find out about that?

- Cousin Sophie.
- She saw the invitation you sent to Aunt Louise.

Oh, well, this is your doin',
you and your fancy engraved
invitations.

You couldn't use a phone?

Believe me,
Floyd was not
on my guest list.

Yeah, well, I can see
I'm not welcome here.

I guess I came
all the way up
from Miami for nothing, huh?

No, you didn't.
Right, Uncle Archie?

Well, listen, kiddo,
you know, the whole thing
has been planned out there

and everything's
accounted for down to
the last hunk of lox, and...

I just don't think we
can handle one more
uninvited guest.

I wanted to invite him.

I told you we didn't
know where he was.

This time your
Uncle Archie is right.

Stephie, um...

Archie and your Grandma
have good reasons
to resent me.

You've done some
rotten things, Floyd.-

Yeah, well, I was
hoping that we could put
all that behind us now

because I'm beginning
to turn my life around.

- Florist.
- Oh, what's the use?

Aw, come on, will ya?
We're havin'
a family crisis here.

- Why does it have to be a crisis?
- Why can't he just stay?

Archie, we need the flowers.

All right, all right, all right.

Come on in. Hurry up.
I can't leave the door open.
We're losin' heat.

Oh, my...

What?

Are you prepared
to meet your maker?

Absolutely not!

Why can't he stay?

Stephanie, I think
it's time you got ready.

- Yes, yes, it's time you got ready.
- Do that, huh?

And we'll talk to Floyd here.

Okay.

I'm really glad you're here,
and don't go away.

- Boy, she's really grown.
- I hardly recognize her.

That happens when you
haven't been around
for four years.

Yeah, well, maybe
I haven't been around
for four years,

but I'm here now,
and my daughter
wants me to stay.

Arch, I think he means it.

There's too much
going on in here.

Yeah, there's too much
goin' on here, Floyd,
we can't talk,

so why don't you go
into the kitchen there?

Oh, Maurice, there.

- If you're touchin' that chair, please don't.
- Leave it where it is.

Now this is
a very special day
for the kid

and I ain't gonna
have you do anything
to ruin this.

- Archie, I'm not here to ruin anything.
- Why can't you believe that?

Because you've always
ruined everything else.

My daughter's life
when you ran off with her.

- Yeah, well, I've changed now.
- I'm staying dry.

Yeah, well, what're
you workin' at?

Well, I'm packing meat
during the day and sweeping out
a bus depot at night.

I mean, sometimes 15,
20 hours a day.

Why couldn't you have
found one moment
to call us on the phone

and ask if you could come?

Because I knew
the answer would be no.

And I wanted to be here.
I mean, I'm Stephie's father.

Well, listen, I'm
her custodian, you know,
according to a court of law.

Tell him.
You was there.
You remember.

- I'm on your side, Archie.
- Don't press your luck.

Where do you want
the band to set up?

In the alcove, under the stairs.

Look, if you need
any help around here,
I'd be glad to...

You could stay away,

leave us alone.

Oh, he'll leave us alone,
all right, after he gets
what he come for.

Right, Floyd?

- Archie, I'm here for Stephie's Bat Mitzvah.
- That's all.

Archie: Get outta here.

You never went
outta your way for anybody
in your life but yourself.

You want the same thing
you wanted here the last time,
the long green.

If it's really cash
you're after,

how much would it take
to get rid of you?

Why are you treating
him like this?

Aw, jeez. Honey, honey,
I taught you never to listen
behind closed doors.

That's the only way
I learn anything
around here.

I know what my father's done,

and I don't really care.

I want him here today!

Archie,

I think
you're going to have
to let him stay.

Yeah, well, all right,
kid, all right, all right,
all right.

All right, Floyd, you can stay.

But listen, if I catch you
samplin' even one glass
of the Manischewitz...

you're out.

Did I miss anything?

Quiet. Stephie's
gonna sing again.

- Stephie's been singin' real pretty.
- What happened to you?

- The cleaners lost my suit.
- This is a loaner.

All: Amen.

- She's doing very well.
- You must be very proud of her.

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

She was talkin'
to me, Floyd, not you.

Can't we both be proud?

- I can be proud.
You could be elsewhere.
- Estelle: Shh.

The Rabbi is staring at you.

I don't care.

Floyd ain't got no right
to say nothin',

because he ain't got
no right to be here.

This is neither the time
nor the place.

We would like to continue
if we could have everyone's
attention, please.

Don't talk, Estelle.
Will you shush?

Stephanie Mills stands
before us today thanks
to the love and guidance

imparted by those
closest to her.

In recognition of that,
I now ask that

Stephanie's father
please come forward.