03x15 - Blind Man's Bluff

[bunniefuu]

Geez, I finally find
something worth reading
in this here rag.

It says the Reagans might
get their new china
in time for Thanksgiving.

Ain't that lovely?

Lovely?

Spending $200,000 on dishes
when there are hungry people
in this country?

Don't be giving me that
left-wing crapola, huh?

That ain't the way to look
at a thing like that.

Mr. Van R.:
Why not?

Uh, Mr. Van R.,
because the china,

that's gonna last
a lifetime, you know?

Starving people,
as a rule, don't.

I'm afraid you're right.

Can I get you
another drink,
Mr. Van R.?

- No, no, thanks, Harry.
- I gotta be going.

I got to get to the bank
before it closes.

The bank?
Hey, that closed
10 minutes ago.

- Oh, I forgot.
- Yeah, my watch stopped.

How could you tell?

The same way I knew
my cat was dead.

No matter how
much I shook it,
it wouldn't move.

Harry, let me have
another shot, you know?

Give me change in,
you know, quarters.

- Sure thing, Lloyd.
- Still trying to beat the machine, huh?

Yeah, well, you know.

Arch, would you cash
my social security
check for me?

Oh, yeah, certainly,
Mr. Van R.

Harry, don't close
the cash drawer.

Yeah, here we are.
What are the numbers there?

- It's $420.
- Oh, $420.
That's easy. Here we are.

- There's...
- There's $100.

There is $200 there...

Why'd you do that?

Do what?

I had that stack
all ready for
the bank deposit.

Well, get another
stack ready, huh?

- Here's $400.
- There's $410,

and $420,
Mr. Van R.
There you go.

Thanks. Thanks, Arch.
Would you do one more
thing for me?

Would you put it in
the right compartments?

The twenties go here.

Tens here, and the fives here.

Oh! Look at this
nifty system

Mr. Van R. got
for his money,
here, huh?

Yeah, I got tired of
paying $10 for a bag
of potato chips.

Plain or barbeque?

You know, you're a dope, Barney.

Here we are, Mr. Van R.
We're all set.

And don't spend
it all in one place,
unless it's this place.

- Thanks, Arch.
- Don't you worry.

All I'm gonna do is,
uh, pay my rent.

And buy a new cat.

So long.
So long, everybody.

All:
So long, Mr. Van R.

- Van: See you later.
- - Archie: Yeah, see you later.

Hey, Arch,

there's gonna be
a singles' dance

down at the
Veterans' Hall
tonight.

- You wanna go?
- Not a chance.

- Why not?
- There's gonna be girls.

Girls, Barney?

The only females I see
hanging around that joint

look like old army sergeants.

Why don't you go, Arch?
Give the ladies a thrill.

They're too old for thrills.

You know the only
excitement left for them

is watching Merv
and counting their
hot flashes.

What about the guys
that go there?

The only action
they deliver
is wiggling their ears.

And not all of them can do that.

Yeah, well, them
poor other guys.

Well, I gotta get down
the cleaners and pick
up my good tie.

Oh, it's a formal dance, huh?

Oh, it's semi-formal.

Does that mean the guy's
gotta wear socks?

Well, I'm going to the dance,
and I'll tell you what, Arch,

you're gonna miss a lot
of merriment.

I hate merriment, Barney.

Boy, what a lunch crowd.

That vichyssoise sure went over.

If you're talking
about the soup,
let me tell you something.

That stuff would've sold a
hell of a lot more if this one
back here had heated it up.

- You don't heat vichyssoise.
- It's cold potato soup.

Well, then why
didn't you say so?

I believe in calling
a spud a spud,
you know?

I don't never like
no foreign words.

You're no lover
of English either.

- Quick!
Somebody call the police!
- Archie: What?

- Take it easy, Mr. Van R.
- Harry: What happened?

Mr. Van R. was mugged.

Right over here, sit down.

Jeez.

Are you hurt,
Mr. Van R.?

I'm okay.

Except for this bump on my head.

Harry, get some ice.
Did they get anything,
Mr. Van R.?

- It was just one guy.
- He got my wallet.

- Oh, my God!
- And all his money in there.

Barney, did you see who done it?

No, no, I found him
in the alley.

Here's the ice,
Mr. Van R.

What kind of a creep
would mug a blind man
in broad daylight?

- A smart creep.
- - Somebody call the police, huh?

I'm calling the police.

- He was smart.
- He picked on a victim who could never identify him.

Barney: And, you know,
I missed being a witness
by just a split second.

Just long enough
for that creep to commit
that heinous crime

and run like hell.

And it's lucky for him he ran.

Because if I'd have caught him,

he would've been
layin' there right
next to Mr. Van R.

Can't you clam up?

You know you been
telling that story
all week long?

And every time
you tell it,
it gets longer.

Oh, yeah?

Well, it so happens,
that Lieutenant Carmody

likes to hear about
my heroic deed.

Right, Lieutenant?

Oh, sure, sure, Barney.

Mmm, that's great pie, Arch.

Thank you.

Uh, thanks, Jimmy.

Do you have to be
listening to everything
that goes on out here?

I mean,
ain't you got
nothing better to do?

Yeah, but they don't allow
Jimmy to do that on duty.

She's a kick, Veronica.

I don't wanna hear
no more of this.

All I wanna know is why
the law ain't fighting crime
the way it should, now.

I mean, the police.
It's been a week, and they
ain't found that mugger yet.

- I know, Arch.
- And we probably won't.

There just aren't any leads.

- You know, I really miss Mr.
- Van R.

He still won't leave
his apartment?

Hey, he's really scared.

We have to send his food over.

- Ah, that's a shame.
- I wish I could tell him it was safe out there.

You know, even I get scared.
And I'm a guy that's fearless.

Except when it thunders
and lightnings out.

Then you come
running over to my house
bringing your pillow with you.

I only did that once,
and you promised
you would never tell.

Aw, you going away mad, Barn?

- Oh, no.
- No, I'm not mad.

I just wanna sit
as far away as possible
from tattletales.

Hey, thanks, Veronica.

- It was really great.
- But I better be getting back to work.

8:00, Jimmy?

8:00.

Will you look it this, here?

For years,
she's in love
with the mafia.

Now it's the police.

- Not the whole force.
- I just thought I would try one.

Lloyd: I'm gonna need
more change.

Quarters, you know?

Harry: Sure thing.

Well, can I sit down
with you, Barn?

- Not until you apologize.
- I apologize.

- Sit down, Arch.
- Thank you, Barn.

Uh, Billie, over there?

Could you bring
your uncle a nice
cup of coffee?

Sure.

Hey, Arch?

What? I just sat down.

Got something to show you.

What, did your rash come back?

Will you come here!

Don't holler, huh?

God, I'm the only guy
working in this
establishment

that never takes time out

to sit down and have
a little cup of coffee
for himself.

- What do you want to show me?
- - This.

- What is it, q*eer?
- No, look at it closely.

- Notice anything funny?
- No. Wait a minute.

Where's
George Washington's
picture?

This is a twenty.

Look in the corner,
what do you see?

I see a little red mark
that you make when
you're counting money.

Well, I ain't counted
money since last week.

Oh, then ain't it
high time you
counted it again?

I mean the day
Mr. Van R.
got mugged.

- Oh, oh. I get it.
- Where did you get it?

Don't look now,

but Lloyd
at the pinball machine
just got change for it.

- You mean the guy...
- No, no! Don't look!

Yeah, grouchy Lloyd,
the pinball nut.

Are you sure he was in that day?

I can't remember.

I'll ask the kid, here.

Uh, Barbara Lee, get over here.

What?

Look over my shoulder,
what do you see?

Dandruff.

I said
over my shoulder,
not on it.

- You see this guy at the pinball machine?
- - Yeah.

- Well, do you know him?
- You seen him before?

Well, sure.
He yelled at me once.

When did he yell at you?

Last week,
when I served him
the vichyssoise.

He didn't like it cold, either.

Veronica, Veronica!

Come here.

Why are you whispering?

Okay, okay.
So, why are we whispering?

Remember that soup that you
made there? That cold...

What the hell
did you call it,
vicious sauce?

Yeah.

What day was that
you served that?

Uh...
I don't know, let me see.

First we had the bean
and the bacon,

the vegetable,
the basted...
Yeah, okay, okay, uh...

Vichyssoise a week ago today.

The day
Mr. Van R. got mugged.-

- Are you saying
that that guy's the one...-

- What guy? -

Lloyd, at the pinball machine,

- just gave me this bill, and it was one that we gave Mr.
- Van R.

Now, where is your...

Where is
your boyfriend, the cop,
now that we need him?

What good can Jimmy do?
Mr. Van R.
can't identify him?

Hey, are you guys telling
secrets over there?

Yeah, Barney.
And they're all
about you.

Wait a minute, wait...-

- What?
- Listen, wait.

You know how it is
when people are suffering
from amnesia?

One hit on the head,
their memories come back,
right?

She's lost
in the soaps,
once again.

Well, suppose
Mr. Van R. got
his eyesight back.

He didn't.

- We know that.
- But Lloyd don't know that.

Who is Lloyd?

The guy at
the pinball machine.-

Listen to me.
Will you listen?

Suppose Mr. Van R. says
that he got his eyesight back
when he got hit on the head,

and he saw the guy who done it.

Two to one, that creep
will give himself away.

And another thing we have
to do is get that $20 bill
back to him.

You're right.
You're right, Billie.

You take care of that.
I'll see you.

I will.

Do you hear these
two females here?

What the hell do
they want us to do?

Frame this guy?

Well, we gotta do something.

And then what happens is
Lloyd gets so rattled that he
tries to make a run for it,

only it's no good, he can't
because the police are right
there to catch him, huh?

So, what do you think, huh?

I think you're hitting
the sauce again.

It's a terrible idea.

Jeez, you sound
just like Archie!

- No offense.
- None taken.

Veronica, I can't go
around playing games.

I'm old and I'm blind.

But you've been
old and blind
for a long time.

You were never scared before.

So I'm old, blind, and scared.

I can't do it.

But you can't run scared.

There's too many of them.

Listen, I never
should've bothered you.

- No, no.
- No bother.

I must been crazy
to come here and ask
you to do this.

Yes.

You're probably
not the first
person he mugged.

Probably not.

Yeah.

And you probably
won't be the last.

So, uh, I tell you...

you just stay here
behind your locked doors,
and, uh...

and the big bolt on it,
and keep everybody out.

I will.

Of course, uh, it's funny.

Instead of the mugger
being sent to jail,

you're the one who ends up
behind the locked doors.

That's what you call, uh...
What do you call that?

Ironic.

Yeah.

Okay, Veronica.

What is it you want me to do?

You know what Abe Rabinowitz
would call this whole nutsy
charady here?

Loco.

Well, if he was looking at you.

If he was
looking at me,
he'd say meshuge.

- I think it'll work.
- Now, you get the money back to him.

Just slip it in his pocket.

- I can't plant this on him.
- You do it.

What's it gonna look
like if I get caught with
my hand in his pocket?

What's it gonna look like
if I get caught?

So, what's the next move?

I'll handle it.

Okay. Excuse me, everybody!

The 50,000th customer
walked into the bar today.

And my boss says that
he gets this $20 bill.

Gee, who is it?

The man at the pinball machine.

Hey, hey!

Lloyd.

- No kidding.
- Wait a minute!

We came in together.
I'll take that.

Uh, Barney, Barney!

Give that twenty to that man!

No! Give him
another one!

- Give it to him, Barney.
- I'll take your twenty off your tab.

Hey, hey!

- No, no, no.
- I need the cash.

Look, do I win it or not?

Yes, you do.
And your meal
is on the house.

Hey, hey, hey!

Pick up. Meat loaf.

This twenty is mine!

You're getting me mad,
pal, you know?

Give him the twenty,
Barney, or I'll add
it to your tab.

Yes, add it to his tab!

Oh, okay. Here.

Good news, everybody.
The rumors are true!
Mr. Van R. can see!

- Harry: Hey, that's great!
- Barney: You're kidding.

Yes, Barney.
It's a wonderful thing,
Mr. Van R.

Welcome back.

Thank you, Billie.
You look just as pretty
as I thought you were.

God. So what do
I look like, Mr. Van R.?

Fatter.

You know, now that I can
see all this pollution,
I'm gonna have to quit.

I'm leaving.

- How are you, Harry?
- Aw, I'm just fine,
Mr. Van R.

- You have a little spot on that apron.
- - Yeah, I sure do.

You know, I think I can take
off these glasses. It's not
too bright in here.

No, no, no, no.

You gotta keep
them on till your
next examination.

Doctor said.

God.

We all gotta help him
follow doctor's orders.

I don't believe this.

Yeah, it's like a miracle.

Is this on the level,
Mr. Van. R.? How many fingers?

Oh, Barney, what are you
asking silly questions
like that for?

Four!

How many now?

You're one of a kind.

One.

What color is this?

Will you please shut up!

- No.
- How did this happen?

Mr. Van R. got his
eyesight back when he
was hit on the head.

Tell us, Mr. Van R.
What was the first thing
you saw?

I saw the mugger.

He was medium height,
brown hair.
I saw him very clearly.

Hey, that sounds
like you, Lloyd.

It could have anybody, you know?

It does sound like you.

With that,
"You know, you know."

You guys are crazy, you know?

That's him!

Hold it! Hold it right
there, mister.

- Grab him, Jimmy, sweetheart.
- Twist his arm.

Yeah, and check his pocket.

He's got Mr. Van R.'s
money in it.

Yeah, he tried to pass it.

It's got my
red squiggle
in the corner.

Hey, wait a minute.
I'm being framed here.
She give me that twenty.

Boy, am I glad I didn't keep it.

Now look,
I gotta know what's
going on here?

These people are crazy.

They planted a twenty on me,

so as to make
it look like I mugged
the old guy, you know?

- You got any ID?
- You got a driver's license?

- I lost it, I...
- Where do you work?

- Well, I'm laid off, I had a job up...
- - Where do you live?

Well, I was in
the Bronx, but then I...

You ever been arrested before?

- Come on now, what are you talking about?
- - Tell you what.

You come along with me
and I'll introduce you to
the boys down at the precinct.

- Now, wait a minute, I've been framed here.
- - We're just gonna talk.

I want you to meet a computer.

Archie: Hey! Hey!

Hey, I like that, there, huh?

Hey, oh, ain't it a good
thing that I recognized
your red squiggle, huh?

Yeah, Arch.
We owe it all to you.

What do we owe?

We done it.

What did we do?

Look, I want to
thank all of you.

I may not have my sight,

but thanks to you,
I feel I have
my freedom back.

- Now, wait a minute.
- How did he lose his sight again?

Barney,

I would like to take
you over to Nutley,
New Jersey.

'Cause there's a large,
peaceful house there

with beautiful trees
and a big wall all around.

Could I bring Rusty?

God, Mr. Van R.
If you could see what these
women is wearing today.

Skirts short again?

No, it ain't the skirts.

They're wearing rubber pants.

And I don't mean
just inside, outside!

I wanna tell you,
there's something
to be said for being blind.

Arch, I don't know
anyone else
who would say it.

- Thank you, Mr. Van R.
It's good to have you back.
- Thanks, Arch.

I'll drink to that.

Hiya, Jimmy, sweetheart.

Hi, Veronica.

Can I get you something to eat?

I, uh, got some fresh oysters.

Oh, uh, ask me later.

Well, well, well, well.
Welcome to the law.

Always nice to see
New York's finest.

I wanted to ask you,

I hope youse guys
put that mugger away
for 10 big ones.

Well, that's what
I came here to tell you.

We had to let Lloyd Johnson go.

You let him go?

Yeah.

- See, see, see?
- What have I been telling youse here?

Harry: You mean
that creep's back
on the streets?

He's free?

That's right.
Couldn't even hold him.
Insufficient evidence.

That is the trouble
with our legal system.
It misquires evidence.

That $20 bill was evidence.

Well, no, it isn't.
You see, you gave it to him.

After he stole it
from Mr. Van R.

But you can't prove that.

I mean, Harry marks
a lot of bills.

See that, Harry? You was
wasting your time.

But Mr. Van R. identified
him from his voice.
He kept saying "you know."

Well, unfortunately, a lot
of people say "you know,"
you know?

That is not identification.

He's on the street?

That's right.

I'm sorry, Mr. Van R.,
I'm really sorry.

There just wasn't
any way we
could hold him.

I... I understand.

Oh, well,
I don't understand
nothing there.

I mean, here we all are,
wracking our brains

to work out some kind of
scheme to prove
that crime doesn't pay,

and youse guys let him off!

Oh, come on, Archie,
it ain't Jimmy's fault.

It's nobody's fault.

Well, if he ever comes
back here, I got a .45
that works without evidence.

- Well, I...
- I gotta go.

Wait a minute,
where you going?
It's early.

No, I've got some things to do.

You're not gonna
hide again, are you?

No, no, no.

- He's only one person.
- You can't run scared.

There are just too many of them.

Something wrong,
Mr. Van R.?

- No, no.
- I was just wondering...

Is anybody going
in my direction?

- Yeah, I am.
- I am, Mr. Van R.

Thanks, Jim. Thanks.

Hey, Arch...

something's been bothering me.

Yeah, well, me too.
About Mr. Van R., huh?

No, about me.

What?

You know, yesterday,
when you were whispering,

did you tell any more
of my secrets?

Just one.

I told everybody
that Barney Hefner has a
Donald Duck night light.