03x21 - Relapse

[bunniefuu]

Come on, Gary.

I think you broke
a record at bowling
last night.

Look, don't laugh.

It takes a lot
of concentration
to throw 19 gutter ba*ls.

I liked the one you threw
into the lane next to ours.

Yeah, so did I.

That was the only spare
I got all night.

You were great, though.
What did you throw?
Two, three strikes in a row?

Five.

Five, right.

Well, you know,
it was really kind of
an off night for me.

See, when I'm hot,
I can bowl a 60, 65,
no problem.

I really had a good time.

Yeah, so did I.

He's coming.

I seen that.

Hi, Bunker.

- 9:00 a.m.
- in the morning?

Don't you know that
normal people stay away

from each other in the morning?

And, you, you seen
her last night.

Can't you wait
a decent week
to see her again?

- Why should he?
- I'm free.

Don't be sayin' things
like that, you're free!

Unfortunately, Bunker,
I came here to see you.

Which spoils the rest
of the day for me.

You're no trip to
Disneyland yourself.

- See you later, Gary.
- Yeah.

Can't you say that
without touchin' him, huh?

And can't you
get into the office?

I hate this,
because 9:00 in the morning
always costs me money.

It's not gonna cost you a thing.

It's Murray Klein.

He wants to sell
his share of the bar.

Well, I want him to sell.

Now.

Now! To hell with him.

Bunker, Murray gave you
30 days to find a partner

to your liking six months ago.

But where do I get
the time to go hunt
around for a partner?

I mean, the responsibilities
around here keep me busy
every minute of the day.

You seen me yesterday,
working three hours
on the menu.

Yeah, you changed the name
of the seafood platter

to the Delish Fish Dish.

Yes!

You give an item a classy name,

so then you can charge
a dollar and a half
more for that item, there.

That, my boy,
is the restaurant business.

Now you mind your business,

and you call Murray
in San Francisco

and tell him I need more time.

- No, you don't.
- Murray found a buyer.

Yeah, who?

The White Lily bar chain.

Bunker, they're prepared
to put minimum $100,000

into this bar
to rejuvenate
the place.

- No kidding.
- $100,000?

Well, whoop-dee-doo, gee.

Hey, I could put in that
salad bar I been dreamin'
about there, you know?

Give the customers
all that delicious
green roughage,

which is good for them,
there, with the little
smashed baco-bits

and the croutons
and them m*dget tomatoes
that I love so dearly.

- Yeah, right.
- Anything you want.

There's even something
in it for me.

They have their own lawyers.

I would never have to
work for you again.

Yeah, well, yeah, well,
uh, yeah, we could maybe
think about this here.

Yeah, White Lily, huh?

Yeah, it'll look good
on the window.

Yeah. Oh, hold it,
hold it, hold it, hold it...

Whoa! Say that again, what?

- Oh, it's just a little policy they have.
- They like their name on the window.

Hey, hey, hey,

they ain't gonna get
nothin' like that.

Look, they can't have
their manager's name
on the window.

- I'm a partner!
- What the hell are you talkin', manager!

Your personal income
as a manager
would double.

What do you care
if they take your name
off the window?

No, no, Rabinowitz!
Hey, hey!

For a proposition
like that there,

I got just two words.

I will never sell my joint
to the White Lily chain,

you can call Murray
out in San Francisco

and tell him to
take a flyin' leap off
the Golden Goose Bridge.

I knew you wouldn't go for it.

I'm gonna be stuck here forever.

Look, Murray still
wants to sell his share,

and if you don't find
somebody, he will.

All right, all right,
I'll put my mind to it
now, pronto.

You know that when
I put my mind to a thing,
anything can happen.

You're telling me.

All right, all right, here,
I'll put an ad here,

in the Daily Business Weekly,
you know?

I'll just advertise
for a very wealthy guy,

silent partner,
who'll keep his mouth shut
and let me run the business.

Good luck.

Yeah.
Well, where you going now?

I'm gonna talk to Billie.

Well, listen, just talk, huh?

Control your hungry lips.

- Ah, hello.
- Yes, please.

I wanna sell something
through your newspaper,
yeah.

Uh, tell me, how many
words can you give me

for, you know, say
less than five dollars?

- More coffee,
Mr. Popadopolus?
- Yeah, yeah.

Yes, thank you very much.

Yeah, and
the third one is
on the house, there.

I gotta tell you
the truth there,
Mr. Poopsolus.

I wasn't thinkin'
about a Greek
for a partner,

but we can get past that.

As long as you got the money.

And this is gonna
take a lot of money.
You got it?

Sure, money is no problem.

I gotta tell ya,
I'm amazed at all of youse
Greeks there, you know.

Youse jump off of the boat

with nothing except
the shirts on your back

and the aromas of the sheepses.

And then the
first thing you know,
youse all got fortunes.

Well, it's true. Yeah.

Yeah, it's very mysterious, too.

It's no mystery, Mr. Bunker.
I own four restaurants, hmm.

Oh, you own four restaurants...

- Did you hear that, Harry?
- The man already owns four restaurants, there.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
well, I shouldn't be
surprised.

'Cause youse Greeks
is well known to be crazier
than anything in the world

about ownin' restaurants.

Unless it's gettin' drunk
and dancin' with men.

How's it goin' with this guy?

You know Archie's
sales technique,

first you get 'em
interested,
then you insult them.

And you're running
the restaurants,
that's a good thing,

'cause that means
that you're gonna be
away from here,

takin' care of them
four restaurants,
and the customers in here,

they ain't gonna see you,
and neither am I.

Sure, you run it alone.

Yeah.

After we make a few changes.

What kind of changes?

Like on the menu.

Ah, the menu here, yeah, well,
uh, like what would you
suggest for the menu?

Rip it up, hmm.

Huh?

Americans don't like
their own food anymore.

And I agree with them.

We need to add
different kinds of food.

We need to add moussaka,

stuffed grape leaves,
gyros, young lamb,
baklava...

Hold it, hold it.

Hold it, hold it, hold it!
Hey, that kind of food,

that might be okay
for people who live up
in the mountains

and strangle furry animals,

but my customers here?
No, no, no, no, and anyway,

I can see right off
that you wanna be
a boss,

and there's only one boss
in this joint,
and you're lookin' at him.

What is it you're saying?

Well, I think I'm sayin',
with very deep regrets,
take a hike.

What do you mean, "Take a hike"?

Uh, well, I'll put it
to you in Greek.

Zorba, vamoose.

Ah! Bunker.

Hey, hey.

Yeah, and don't smash
no dishes as you dance
your way to the street there.

Don't pay no attention to me.

Eat your lunch
and go back to work.

There goes another one.

That makes eight.

Well, they all
want changes,
changes, changes!

Well, any new partner
is gonna expect
to make some changes.

- Ah!
- -I can make moussaka with garbanzos.

Don't t*rture me, huh, Jose?

Garver, are you sure
I can't go with you?

You wanna blow this
deal like you blew
the Starlight Lounge?

Look, Larry, let me handle this.

The Starlight Lounge
wasn't my fault.

Oh, no?

Who told the owner's
wife she looked like
My Friend Flicka?

Well, she did.

She didn't.

Maybe it was Trigger.

Larry, you're too...

honest for your own good.

I know, you mean too dumb.

Why don't you just say so?

Because I'm not
as honest as you.

Look, just keep cool.

I'll grease up to this guy,

we'll buy the bar,
squeeze him out,
and run it on our own.

Uh, after we buy
the bar, are you sure
I can hang around here

and no one will kick me out?

Sure you can.

We'll even buy you
your favorite
video game, Pac-Man.

No, I told you,
I'm through with Pac-Man.

Right now,
I'm mastering Donkey Kong.

How could I forget?

Look, I saw an arcade
place down the street.

Go wait for me there.

Now, you got the money
I gave you?

Uh-huh.
I got it right here.

Don't flash it, stash it!

- Now, here.
- Here's a roll of quarters.

Go knock yourself out.

I'm okay! I'm okay.

- Excuse me.
- Could you tell me where I could find Archie Bunker?

- You found him, pal.
- What do you want?

Well, it says here
you're looking for,
"A silent partner

with cash on hand
who wants to join

with a right-thinking
white American

for the business
opportunity
of a lifetime."

Ain't that beautiful,
Harry, the way they put
that in the paper, huh?

Beautiful.-

Well, I may be
your man, Joe Garver.

You ain't my man,
you got a beard.

Oh, the beard
can come off
in 20 minutes.

Sit down, Joe.

Garver, huh? Garver.

Well, that's a nice,
safe sounding name,
you know?

Joe Garver.

I mean to say,
it sounds like nothin'.

Which is good, huh?

Uh, you mind if I call you Joe?

- Please do, Arch.
- Yeah.

Now, first off, you gotta
understand that you would

be buyin' my ex-partner's
share of the business.

- I see.
- Yeah.

Now, there's three
very important questions
I gotta ask you

right over the top.

The first one is this.

It's gonna cost a lot of money.

A lot of dollars.
You got 'em?

A lot of dollars is what I got.

Terrific.

Now the second question is,
can you be a silent partner?

I'll tell you why.

'Cause we don't want
no advice
of no kind in here.

This joint runs
like a well-oiled machine.

Like Chrysler before the Japs.

- Perfect.
- I don't have much time to spend here.

I just want a good investment.

Terrific.
So far, so good.

Now the third and last question,

and it may be the most
important question of all.

What do you think of the menu?

- I like it.
- Nice, plain design.

Say, look at these specials.

This one, the Delish Fish Dish.

Sounds great.

That's swell, Joe. Swell.

You may be my man.

I think the next step is,
we just gotta call my lawyer.

Uh, Arch, let's not
rush into this.

I'd like to see
your books, you know?

Just to check your yearly gross.

When can my accountant
make an appointment?

Oh, anytime, anytime at all.

I gotta tell you,
you can save yourself
an awful lot of money

on the accountant, you know,

goin' over piles
and sheets of papers
and everything.

I got the main numbers
at a glance in there,

on a little index card.

Folly me.

Uh, that way there.

Yeah, go ahead of me.
Uh-uh. That a boy.

- Well, well, well, well.
- Uh, Harry. Harry!

I think I got a live one here.

You know,
it's gonna seem
very strange

getting used to a new partner.

That's because you're slow.

It took you two weeks
to get used to it

when we changed over
from popcorn to pretzels.

I like popcorn.

My mommy used to
hide little bags of it

in my jammies when I was asleep.

She's a saint.

Barney, even you admit
she's a little loony.

You find that in
a lot of saints.

Hey, when am I
gonna get to see
this guy, Garver?

Oh, we're expectin'
him any minute.

He's up at
the Rabinowitz office,

goin' over some
legal mumbo-jumbo.

You know how it is
with them attorneys.

Oh, boy, I sure do.

I got a bellyful of that
when I got my divorce
from Blanche.

Oh, yeah,
but this ain't quite
the same, Barney,

because unlike Blanche,
Garver ain't doin' nasties
with my lawyer.

- Hey, Arch.
- Arch, get a look at the weirdo who just come in.

Oh, geez, he looks
like he just jumped over
the wall at Bellevue.

I'll handle this.

Hey, hey, hey,
don't be lookin'
at him over there,

you'll make him
think he's welcome.

Uh, could I help you there, pal?

Oh, no, I'm just browsing.

Ah, he's just browsing.

Uh, then you want
McFeeney's Topless
around the corner.

Yeah, but just browse
over there,
don't touch nothing,

or they hit you
over the head
with a club.

No, no, this is the place.

I'm just trying to
see where to put
my Donkey Kong.

You better not think
about that till you
get over to McFeeney's.

We got some kind
of a bezerko here.

What's a Donkey Kong?

Yeah, what the hell
is a Donkey Kong?

Why, it's probably
his invisible little friend.

Oh, yeah.

You know, I used to have
an invisible little friend
when I was a kid.

His name was Moo-Moo.
He lived in a closet

and he taught me how to fly.

That's nice, Barney.

Boy, I sure do miss him.

You know, I haven't
seen him since
my wedding night.

See, that might have
been the trouble between
you and Blanche.

She liked Moo-Moo better.

Blanche liked everybody better.

Oh, uh, hey there, Napoleon.

You know what?

I think I just seen
your donkey gallopin'
past the window there.

Don't you think
you better catch him?

You're really crazy.

Hear this?
He's laughing at me.

I got good news, Bunker.

Hi, Garver.

Uh, hi, Larry. Well,
what a surprise.
Let's go, Larry.

Garver, you know this here guy?

Uh, yeah, he used
to be the janitor
in my building.

- Used to be what?
- The janitor.

He ain't a Puerto Rican.

- Uh, I'll take care of him.
- Come on, pal.

I told you not to
come around here yet.

I was just trying to see
where to put my video game.

We'll put it where
the pinball machine is.

Now, go wait for me
at the apartment.

I hate it there.

We ran out of Cocoa Puffs.

Go buy some more.

Oh, okay.

Oh! Watch out for...-

I'm okay, I'm okay.

Everything checks out
with Garver.

He's got the money,
a clean record.

Swell, there's nothin'
wrong with him.

Well, I wouldn't say that.

What's wrong with him?

The man is willing to pay
money to be your partner.

Rabinowitz, I don't need
a lawyer who hates me.

There he is!
Joe, how are you?

- Hey, hey, hey, looks like we got a deal, huh?
- -Great.

Well, there's one small thing.

All of Joe's money is in
a joint account with someone
named Lawrence Billings.

Uh, oh, he's just
a business associate,

but I have power of attorney
to invest the money.

Well, that's all right,
ain't it?

Sure, it's perfectly legal.

I just wanted you
to know that
it's not all Joe's money.

I don't care whose it is,
as long as Ronnie Reagan
prints it.

Well, that settles it then.

We can go to the bank tomorrow,

and sign the papers,
deposit the checks.

This is the moment
I've been waiting for.

- Ah, me, too, Joe.
- Me, too.

This is a moment of celebration.

Hey, Harry, bring over
that Mexican champagne

I opened on Tuesday
and three glasses, huh?

Make that four glasses, Harry.

Barney, what do you want?

Joe Garver, Barney Hefner.

Like Rabinowitz here,
I'm a member of the bar.

- What bar?
- This bar.

Oh!

- Nice to meet you.
- Barney: Nice meeting you.

- Here you are, gents.
- Barney, please, huh?

Will you stop
bothering
this man here

and don't be
botherin' any of us.

- You know what I think you oughta do?
- -Huh?

Go over in
the corner there
and talk to Moo-Moo.

Moo-Moo's here?

- Here, drink this.
- You'll see him.

Nah. Moo-Moo'd never come
into a place like this.

Good health,
good health
to all of us, huh?

Hey, yeah.

And after this,
you can go away, Joe.

You know what I mean to say,

a long vacation someplace
and don't do nothin',

except wait for
your profit statements.

Just keep running this place
like you always have,

and I'll be happy.

Terrific, Joe, terrific.

Yeah, well,
I've gotta
get going.

- Gary, I'll see you tomorrow at 11:00.
- -Right.

- See you, Arch.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Barney, Harry!
- So long, Joe.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, well, huh?

- You know, I'm in shock.
- For once, you didn't screw something up.

Which leaves you nothin'
to do, really, except...

go away someplace
and chase an ambulance.

Well, I'm not
going to go just
yet.

I've got some paperwork
to do for tomorrow,

and Billie asked me
to wait till
she comes in.

What for?

- Haven't you heard?
- I think she likes me.

Hey, Arch, I been thinking.

Spare yourself
a headache, Harry.

Will this new partnership
have any effect on my job?

No.

What, no! What are
you talkin' about?

You're the best
bartender in town.

Jeez, you're honest,
you listen to the boss,

you never drink
on the job,
you behave yourself.

My wife is right.
I'm dull.

Bunker, will you sign this?

Don't be pushin' things
under my nose,
askin' me to sign.

What is this?

It's a letter
of agreement
from you to Murray.

It gets your ex-partner
off your back.

That I'll sign.

Harry: Hey, hold it,
hold it, what is that?

Hey, it's Donkey Kong!

Again?

It's the new video game.
You know, I've wanted
to try this.

I didn't know
you ordered it.
That's great.

Harry: We didn't
order nothin'.

I got the invoice right here.

- "- Deliver to Archie Bunker's Place.
- " There's the signature.

This is the signature
of a fermented person.

Can I see that?

- Oh, boy!
- My game is here!

- Okay!
- Put it over here and take out the stupid pinball machine.

Hey, that is an
intelligent pinball
machine, and I love it.

- I can do anything I want.
- I own this bar.

Who are you?

Larry Billings.

Rabinowitz!

Is this your signature?

"Lawrence Billings"?

That's my name,
don't wear it out.

Look, do I leave
the machine or not?

- Yes!
- No! No! Get this
King Kong outta here!

I'm the owner!

If you touch my
machine, I'll have
to hurt somebody.

Oh, I ain't gonna
put up with this
another minute.

Harry, call the police.

No, Harry, don't do that.

Just let me handle it, okay?

Larry, hi.
I'm Gary Rabinowitz,

I'm the lawyer for the bar.

I have a lawyer?

Can I sue the fat guy?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
- Shh! Shh!

Sure, you can.
Why don't you and I

sit over there
and have a talk, okay?

Uh, okay.

Now, Larry, you say
you own the bar?

Uh-huh. Along with
my cousin, Garver.

- What is this?
- You're Garver's cousin?

I'm not talking to you.

I don't blame you,
Larry. Talk to me.

So Garver's your cousin?

Uh-huh.
My mother left us
all her money,

and Garver said if we buy a bar,

he could run it like
he always wanted to.

Do you hear this, Harry?

And then I would
have a place
to hang out

where no one would
pour beer on my head

and kick me out in the street.

Oh, Lord help us.

He said that we could
buy the bar by buttering up
the tubby guy

and then squeeze him out,
and we'd have it
all to ourselves.

Do you hear that?

They wanna squeeze
out the tubby guy!

Well, we'd have to.

You wouldn't let
a guy like me
hang around here.

I'm gonna go play
Donkey Kong now.

I don't believe
what I'm hearin' here!

It's true. I'm three
times New York champ.

This individual has got
a brain like a grape.

I mean, if I'm wrong,
tell me what I got here?

I'd say you got yourself
a truly equal partner.

Rabinowitz, if you
wanna be smart,

then figure out a way
to get me out of this.

I'd love to, Bunker,
but I think I hear
an ambulance.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Get here.

Tell me, what are you gonna do?

If I get you outta this,

- I have to get you into something else.
- -Yes.

That could take days,
weeks, years.

You know,
my health insurance
doesn't cover psychiatry.

Larry! What
are you doing here?

- Hi, Garver.
- My game is here.

Did you say anything to Bunker?

- Uh... Oh, yeah.
- I'm suing him.

Arch! I'm sorry
about this.

Whatever Larry said,
he's got
a wild imagination.

Oh, cut the song
and dance there,
huh, pal?

The deal is off.

- No, wait a minute.
- It's not up to you to call off this deal.

It's my bar.

You're not the one
that's selling.

Now, as Murray's lawyer,
only I can
call off the deal.

You've got no grounds
to call this off.

Hey, hey! You lied!

You fragrantly fraudulated
your way in here!

Ain't that reason enough?

Well, legally, I suppose.

Arch, this can all be explained.

And I'm sure you can
get along with Larry.

Hey, fatty, can we
move the pinball
machine or what?

The deal is off!

And you're a crook.

- No, I'm not.
- I'm just trying to take care of my cousin.

Why?

I promised his mother.

What for?

For a lot of money.

Oh, God. Well,
that may be true.

But listen, I got
personal tragedies
of my own,

enough, really,
now the two of youse,
please leave.

And take that
machine with youse!

Why don't you keep the game?

No!

- Larry: Wait!
- Where are you going?

- You had to do it again, didn't you?
- You couldn't stay away

and keep your mouth shut.

Does this mean we don't
own this place anymore?

You got it.

Are you mad at me, Garver?

No more than usual.

You know, I was thinking,
maybe we should look into

buying the topless joint
around the corner.

- You think so?
- Oh, yeah.

People are lined up
trying to get in.

Besides, no one would ever
notice my machine in there.

Hey, that's a great idea, Larry.

Why do I always
have to come up
with the good ideas?

We'll be your neighbors
yet, tubby.

Well, I wanna tell ya,
if you're lookin' for a flaw
in the American system,

there it is.

Any dumbbell lucky enough
to have some money

can buy his way into business.

That's the flaw, all right.

Well, I blame
the legal profession, too.

You approved this
whole deal, here,

and thank God I caught
your mistake in time.

And now what are you gonna do?

Well, I'll just have
to try to stall Murray.

- Yeah, and find me a new partner.
- -I know.

- And look after things around here.
- -I know.

- And take care of the legal business.
- -I know.

And take care of the accounting.

Oy, I know.

Which means you fellas'll
be seein' a lot of
each other from now on.

Oh, you're damn right
we're gonna be seein'
a lot of each other from...

Oh, jeez!