03x24 - West Side Astoria

[bunniefuu]

And not only were
they three cases
short this week,

but they're raisin'
the price of our beer.

Ah, jeez, tell me
about it, will ya?

I'm up to my keester
in concerns around here.

With Veronica down
in Florida, or wherever,

leavin' me Jose on the griddle,

and God knows what he's cookin'.

Hey, I was a good cook
before I met you.

Before you sneaked up
here from Nica-rooga,

you thought a BLT
was a bacon,
lizards, and tamales.

The recipe was beans,
lizards, and tamales.

Well, Mr. Van R.,

all I know is it's tough
being a businessman
nowadays, you know,

- despite of all Mr.
- Reagan is tryin' to do for the country.

True.

I picked up my cheese yesterday.

Well, I don't know,
nowadays,
I feel like somethin',

I don't know,
maybe a long vacation.

Speaking of vacations,
Archie, have you
thought about mine?

Yours?

You just left Baltimore.

I mean, gettin' outta there
should be vacation enough
for a lifetime.

I've been here for months.

I need a change of scenery.

Oh, a change of scenery,

well, just take the trash
from here out to the alley,
huh?

Funny. Funny.-

Well, you know,
this is what
you gotta do

- when they come up with this stuff, Barney.
- -Yeah.

Archie, hi.

Oh, hi.

How are things?

Oh, things is, uh...

Uh, wholesale prices are up.

She don't mean that.

Hi, Barney, how ya doin'?

- Hiya, Katherine.
Fine, how are you?
-Good.

Well, well, well, well,
I... I guess youse all
know Katherine Logan, huh?

- Sure.
- Hi, Katherine.

- Hi.
- I know I sure do.

Oh, hey, hey...
I wanna tell you

that there's
no hard feelings
since I saw you last.

As a matter of fact,

I'm dating
a different girl
every week.

Oh, I'm happy for you.

Yeah. Well,
I prefer it that way.

And coincidentally,
so do most of the girls.

Uh, Barney,
we're all very happy
for you there.

Uh, Katherine,
come on over here,
will ya?

Uh...

Maybe you'd just like to
sit down at that table...

No, not that one,
way over there.

- Oh, okay.
- -Gee, it's awful nice to see you.

What brings you
to this neck
of the woods?

I had some stops to make
in the neighborhood. So...

Uh-huh.

Who is that lady?
She's very familiar.

Oh, that's a girl
I used to date,

until she showed
some interest
in Archie,

and then I graciously
stepped aside.

She dumped him.

Ring Magazine
gave me a job
in the ad department.

- Oh, that's right.
- Your late husband, rest his soul,

he used to work for them.

- Yeah, right. Yeah.
- Aw, geez.

So, how long has it been?

Oh, I ain't got no memory
for things like that.

Four or five months...

Uh, six.

Well, gee,
what kind of a host
am I, huh?

Order a little something
to drink here...

Oh, I really don't have time.

Oh, please,
don't be silly.
Have a little somethin' there.

Aw, look at them all
gawkin' over here.

What are youse starin' at?

I wasn't staring.

Uh, Billie, bring us
a couple of beers, huh?

You know something,

I nearly called you up
about two weeks ago.

- You did?
- Yeah.

A bunch of us was
arguin' in here

about how long
was the long count

in the Dempsey-Tunney
fight, you know,

but somebody come in
who knew the answer,
so I didn't bother.

Oh, that. Okay.

Well, it wasn't only that.

I thought it would be
nice to talk to you.

Why didn't you?

It was so late.

I wouldn't have minded.

You wouldn't, huh?

Mmm-mmm.

Gee, it's a shame
that you come in
at just this time,

you know,
with the lunch crowd
back and forth.

Oh, yeah. Well,
I gotta go anyway.

Well, no. Not before having
something for lunch, huh?

Oh, I'm late, I'm late.
Uh, I'll see you, okay.

- Yeah, really?
- Uh, like when?

Uh, is she coming back?

- No, no, no.
- She ain't...

- Well, yeah, maybe she'll come back.
- I don't know.

Well, I mean, what's it to...

Why are you starin' at me?

Here, clear away
the table or somethin'.

Clear what?

- All right.
- Clear the table back here.

They're people eating at it.

Well, tell them to hurry up.

Uh, excuse me
there, Mr. Van R.

- Arch?
- Yeah.

Did you ask the lady out?

Uh, no, I didn't,
Mr. Van R.

Well, are you gonna?

No.

Hey, Arch,
don't hesitate
on my account.

Katherine and me
are ancient history.

Do tell?

- Yeah.
- You might say we were just a brief stroll

down the boulevard
of broken dreams.

You mind if I don't
discuss Katherine and me
with you, Barney?

I suppose Arch
was struck
by Cupid's arrow?

Well, he sure
is a big
enough target.

Uh, hey, kid,
ain't it about time
for you to be to bed?

No, I like studying down here.

Well, I'm gonna be
botherin' you in a minute
with that TV, you know?

They're gonna be showin'
them classic repeats
of The Rifleman.

Do you want me to go upstairs?

Yeah!

Well, why didn't
you just say so?

Jeez, I thought I did.

Okay, okay.

Don't be fresh.

And don't be stampin'
up them stairs.

Uh, hello? Could I speak
to Katherine Logan, please?

- Oh, that's you?
- Jeez, I didn't recognize the voice.

Well, you know,
I never talked to you
on the phone before.

Oh, how did you know it was me?

Very good guess.

Uh, the reason I called is,
I was thinkin' about today

and you comin'
into the bar and...

Uh, yeah, Tony,
send us one of your hot,

delicious pizzas
with the mushrooms.

Oh, great, a pizza!

I was just coming
down for a snack.

Yeah, well, tell you what,

why don't you wait upstairs,
kiddo, and I'll call you
when they deliver, huh?

Can we have
pepperoni on it, too?

Tony, uh, throw some
pepperoni on there, huh?

Oh, when I eat
too much pepperoni,
my stomach gurgles.

Yeah, well, k*ll the gurgles...

I mean,
k*ll the pepperoni,
Tony, yeah.

Maybe half mushroom
and half pepperoni.

Half mushrooms
and half pepperoni.

And I really like thick crust.

Give her a thick crust.

Excuse me,
it's my little niece, here.

She's runnin' around nuts.

- Ah, it's nothin'.
- It's that age.

Yeah.

Listen, uh, what about
you goin' to dinner
with me some night?

You know, my treat.

- Well, any night at all.
- What about tomorrow, 7:00?

Ah, swell.

Yeah, I remember
the way over there.

Gee, I walked past your place,

you know, at least once
or twice since then.

- Great. Great, okay.
- So long.

Was you listenin' in up there?

Stephanie: No!

Katherine:
I got the key.

Archie: I got it,
I got the key.
I can open it. Yeah.

I don't think
you can open it
with a rabbit's foot.

Oh, that's a rabbit's foot.

No, no, I got the key in there.

- No, no.
- You're all set.

Oh, jeez.

Would you like a nightcap?

Yeah, yeah, I'd like somethin'.

Oh, oh, yeah, excuse me there.

You know, I was gettin'
a little nauserated
in that cab, there.

I mean, what the hell
was that taxi driver
smokin'?

Marijuana.

- Is that what that was?
- That's what that was.

Well, no wonder
he took the short cut
through the shopping mall.

- You want a beer?
- -Yeah, beer, that would be beautiful.

Okay.

Hey, wait a minute.
The last time you were here,

I turned around
and you were gone.

Oh, no, I ain't goin' no place.

You see, my hat's
on the hook there.

Hey, awful nice apartment
you got here, Katherine.

Katherine:
Thank you.

- Yeah.
- You know, the fish in the aquarius and everything.

Tropical fish
are a hobby of mine.

I took it up
a couple of years ago.

Oh, yeah.

I bought some fish
in the tank for my kid,
you know,

but hardly a week
goes by, we don't
see one or two

of them floatin' belly up.

You know, dead.

Well, she's probably
over-feeding them.

Oh, I know, but even so,

you'd think they'd have sense
enough to quit eating
when they're full, huh?

- Here's lookin' at you.
- Here's looking at you.

Okay.

You know
what I just spied
on the wall here, huh?

- There's one of my heroes there, huh?
- -Oh, yeah.

The Brown b*mber from Detroit,

Joe Louis, what a man.

Now, what does it say there?
"To Frank, all the best, Joe."

He must have sent that
to your husband, huh?

Yeah, Frank knew all of them.

Hey, you wanna see
his scrapbook?

Oh, yeah, I wanna see
everything you got.

Well, you know what I mean.

Hey, this is it, huh?

Let's see who you got.

- Oh, hey, right away.
Max Baer there.
-Yeah.

Hey, hey,
and Max Schmeling.
Oh! Jack Dempsey.

This is the white section
here, I guess, huh?

- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, the colored guys are back here.

Why don't you have
these guys up
on the wall with Joe?

Most of them were,
but I finally took
them down.

Yeah, why?

Because that's my past,

and this is my present.

Oh.

Well, that's pretty
good, you know,

when you can break off
the past from the present

just by movin' pictures around.

Yeah, well, it can be done.

I had an awful
good time tonight.

So did I.

Could I ask you somethin'?

Yeah, go ahead.

Why, uh...

Do you like me?

Um... You're funny.

- That's it?
- Hey, that ain't bad.

A lot of people are very boring.

Yeah, well, this is true.

And you sing to me
while we're dancing.

Well, it's like
romantic, you know.

Gee, look at the time, huh?

Well, and I gotta get up
for work in the morning.

Me, too.

I shouldn't have drunk
all that wine tonight,
you know,

because it's gonna be
tough to drive.

Yeah, that's right.

Especially since
you don't have a car.

Oh, I ain't got a car.

Just remember, don't ask
him too many questions.

Why not? How else
are we gonna find out?

He'll probably be
in a terrible mood
this morning.

I mean, who knows
what time he got in
last night.

3:17.

I heard him sneak up the stairs.

Just remember,
it's none of our business.

Hey, hey, h*-h*-h*.

How is my two
beautiful little
nieces this morning?

Oh, ain't this nice,

they poured out
my Cocoa Crunchies
and coffee for me.

Thank you very much.

Are you okay?

- Yeah, fine.
- I never felt better.

Did somebody spike
your toothpaste?

Oh, come on, will ya?
It's a beautiful morning.

Ain't a man supposed to
be happy in the morning?

Talk, talk.
How's school?

I got an "A" on my history test.

Oh, that's terrific.

And how's all
your interesting
little playmates?

You want to hear
about my friends?

- Yeah, yeah, I like them.
- Amy, Daisy, Dippy, Dopey, all of them.

You forgot Sneezy.

Oh, him I like
the best of all, huh?

The kid with all
the allergies.
How is he?

It sounds like your date
went rather well.

Date? What do
you mean, "date"?

With Katherine.

God, what was it,
on the 11:00 news?

Archie, you left
the bar early
with a tie on.

You had flowers
and a Whitman Sampler.

We didn't figure
you were going
to play pinochle.

Oh, come on, you know,
it wasn't a date
or something like that,

you were thinking there.

- It was just going out to dinner with a person.
- That's all.

- I mean, it could have been a friend, like Mr.
- Van R.

Except that she wears
a dress, and I don't have
to cut her meat for her.

Where did you go?

- Did you have fun?
- Are you going to see her again?

- Hold it! Hold it!
- Hold it!

Don't be firing questions
at me like that.

- Forget it, huh?
- Tell me about something else.

Okay.

You want to hear what
Phil Rogers said to the
teacher in French class?

Please don't tell me
nothin' about your annoying
little playmates, huh?

I ain't never
seen anything like it.

He's in the storeroom
going through all the bills

and he's crooning
With a Song In My Heart.

Last time I heard
Archie sing that song

was when Nixon was elected.

You know, that says
something very revealing
about Archie.

All I know is,
if Katherine makes
Archie this happy,

life around here
is gonna be
a lot more pleasant.

And I'm going to
take advantage of it.

- Ah!
- Here's the two bourbons you was gettin' the call for.

- How is everybody?
- Mr. Van R?

Why, just fine, Arch.

Swell, how ya doin' there,
Barney, and why ain't you
at work?

Whaddya mean?
I am.

Oh, God bless
the civil service, huh?

- Uh, Archie?
- Yeah?

Remember those old friends
I was telling you

I wanted to go visit
in Baltimore?

What do you think
if I could get a couple
of days off sometime?

- Two days to visit friends?
- Nah, nah, nah.

That ain't enough.

You need a week
to visit old friends,

and it's very important
you keep up your contacts.

And Baltimore
should be beautiful
this time of the year.

As long as the wind
keeps blowin'.

Thanks a lot, Archie.

Don't mention it.

Well, sounds like
you had a good time
last night, Arch.

Yeah, yeah, I had
a good time, yeah.

So you're gonna
ask her out again?

Yeah, maybe I will, Harry, yeah.

Uh, hey, Arch,

I think it's time
we had a little talk,
man to man.

Who's gonna talk
for you, Barney?

I get it, yeah.

- Come on over here.
- Sure.

- Sit down.
- Yeah.

- Have a little heart to heart, here.
- -Yeah.

What the hell is
the trouble with you, now?

- Oh, no, it's not me.
- It's you.

You see, when it comes to women,

I like to think of myself as...

well, as a man of the world.

In a word, sophisticated.

Well, uh, sayin'
I believe that, Barney,
what are you gettin' at?

Well, in a word, caution.

What do you mean?

In a word, trouble.

In a word, what the hell
are you talkin' about?

Look, if you give
Katherine any attention
at all,

she's gonna start clingin'
to you like a vine
and talkin' commitment.

The first thing
she's gonna do is start
cozyin' up to your friends.

Next, she'll be in
buying you little gifts.

And before you know it,
pal, bang!

She's gonna sh**t me, Barney?

Worse. Marry you.

Aw, cut that out!
Will you stop!

And will youse all stop, huh?

Jeez, you see a man
goin' out with a woman,

and the next thing you do,

you're comparin' them
to the Prince
and Lady Bligh.

Hey, I ain't thinkin'
about nothin' like that,

and Katherine
ain't interested
in that at all.

Oh, yeah?

- Hi!
- Hello.

- Hey, Katherine, how are you?
- -How're you doing?

Gee!

Hey, hey, look who's here.

Long time no see.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, well, hey, sit down, sit down, please there.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Yeah, so what, uh...

Barney...

Need I say more?

Will you shut up?

Well, for goodness sakes,
what brings you around?

Oh, nothing really.
I just thought
I'd bring you a little gift.

Oh, a little gift.

Uh, jeez, ain't that, uh...

Huh, huh, huh?

Barney, uh, Barney,
why dontcha
have a drink?

- Harry, on the house, huh?
- On the house, please?

- Thanks, Arch.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Oh, gee.
- Open it.

- I didn't expect nothin'.
- I know.

I don't think I ever got
nothin' like this before.

It's a little stuffed
mouse with no eyes.

No, no. It's a rabbit's foot,
silly. Remember last night?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Last night was, uh... Oh.

You know, you and me,
we're just gettin' to
know each other, right?

- Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
- Yeah. And, uh...

I wouldn't think that
it would be right

if you was to make any
commitments for yourself.

Oh?

Uh... Yeah, yeah,
let me explain.

Please do.

Go on.

- Yeah, yeah.
- What I mean is that

it wouldn't be right
for you, you know,

- to start makin' plans about a...
- kind of a no-strings guy like me,

who's busy runnin'
all over the place there,

and two nieces at his
throat all the time.

Uh, you want our
relationship to be casual,

is that what you're saying?

- That's exactly the word, there.
- "Casual."

- An excellent word.
- You know what I mean?

Easy. Fun.

No commitments.

No commitments.

Is that what you want?

Yeah.

But that don't mean
we can't go out.

Oh.

I mean, we can go out
all we wanna go out,

I mean, you wanna go
out tonight, huh?

- I'd love to...
- Oh, swell.

But I have other plans.

- Huh?
- I'm busy.

Previous engagement.
Capisce?

- What do you mean?
- Already you're startin' to go out behind my back?

Hey, no strings, remember?

Yeah, but, uh...

I mean, after last night,

how could you think
about goin' out
with other guys?

Who I go out with is...

none of your business.

- It ain't?
- No.

Well, I know, but I mean...

- Hold it.
- Our relationship is casual, remember?

Easy.

Fun!

Oh, uh... No, no,
I... This ain't good.
I mean, I...

Hey, Arch!

I heard every word.
You were beautiful.

I couldn't have done it
better myself.

Oh, what the hell
are you talking about?

You just got out
of the clutches
of a grasping woman.

Don't you feel better now?

Yeah, Barney, I feel terrific.

Good.

Who is it?

Archie: Uh, it's me.

Uh, Archie?

Yeah.

You got a minute?

I was just about to leave.

A minute.

Come on in.

No hook.

Well, I see you got
yourself up pretty nice
for this guy, huh?

Archie, if you have
something to say,
say it.

Well, could I sit down?

Go ahead.

Katherine...

Oh, you're over there.

What I wanna say is...

It's very hard to say
when you're starin'
straight at me.

I mean, could you
look someplace else?

Could you look at the fish?

Oh, God.

I just think there was
a misunderstanding.

Oh, I understood perfectly.

- I'm glad you did.
- I didn't.

You were doing all the talking.

I wasn't thinking.

I mean, on rare occasions,
I've been known
to talk without thinkin'.

Archie, what do
you want from me?

Listen, will you look
at me, please?

Will you make up your mind?

Okay.

I wanna keep company
with you, like I said.

Sure. You can be casual.

But I can't make plans
with anybody else.

That doesn't sound fair to me.

- Wait a minute.
- Come here, will ya?

No.

Please.

I don't care nothin'
about the plans
you make.

You can make all
the plans you want.

I just don't want you
goin' out with
other guys.

That's ridiculous!

In the first place,
I'm not going out
with any other guys.

What the hell
do you call this
guy tonight?

I happen to be going out
with two very good friends
for dinner,

and the reason
that I came by the bar

is to invite you to join us.

Oh, God, I blew it.

Forget it.

Jeez, Katherine,
I'm sorry, you know.

So, the invitation
for tonight is still open.

Come here.

I accept your invitation.

- For dinner.
- Huh?

Come on, we're
going to this new
Moroccan place.

- What do you mean, Moroccan?
- What are your friends, Arabs?

It'll be a lot of fun.
You eat with your hands.

- Jeez, big deal.
- I can do that at the Colonel's.

The Colonel's doesn't
have belly dancers.

- Oh, whoop-dee-doo.
- All right, here's your coat.

Help me on with it.

- Oh, gee, I'm sorry.
- Yeah, sure, here you go.

Hey. Hey,
there you are.

There.

The door?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Now why, in this one
moment, would I forget
coats and doors?

The two things I always
been so careful about,
all my life.