03x26 - Rabinowitz 's Brother

[bunniefuu]

Archie: Hey, I got a terrific
surprise this morning.

What?

I feel good.

You're kidding.

No, I slept like a log.

And you know why
I slept like a log?

Why?

Windows closed.

If you want to
sleep good in New York,

you gotta keep the air out.

I'm making breakfast
this morning.

- Yeah, where is it?
- What have you got?

It's a protein pickup drink.

Egg yolks, raw milk,

wheat germ oil and prune yogurt.

That sounds very healthy.

It is.

But I hate healthy.

I'm 58 years living
on unhealthy.

Why fool with success?

Here's your coffee.

Where's Billie?
Ain't she up yet?

I guess not.

Well, what time did she
come in last night

from that dopey night
class she's goes to?

Uh, I don't know.

Well, you musta woke you up
when she come in.

No, I had the
windows closed, too.

Geez, she's just
coming in the door.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- What do you call this?

You been out the whole night?

Yes.

It's been the most stimulating
night of my life.

You was with a guy.

My economics professor.

And she ain't even got
the decency to lie about it.

You shouldn't be
listening to this.

After class, a group of us went
over to Professor Goren's house,

and we talked all night.

Then we went out for breakfast.

Archie:
Oh, don't give me that.

No normal human being
can spend a whole night

talking to a professor.

This man is fascinating.

He explained in detail
how Reaganomics

is going to lead us
into a great depression.

Oh my God, another communist
on the public payrolls.

He happens to be a Democrat.

Hey, hey, a dupe is even worse.

Now, you listen to me.

I want to know why
you didn't call me up,

let me know what
you was doing there.

I'm here the whole night
pacing the floor.

You were not.

You shush up.

You said you slept like a log.

Will you shush?

Last time I called late,

you yelled at me for
giving you a heart attack.

In fact, you said, "If you
can't be home before 11:00,

don't bother calling."

That's right.

Those were your exact words.

- Who are you, huh?
- Her lawyer?

Let me tell you something.

From now on, I wanna hear
from you every move she makes.

Who are you, the CIA?

In this house, yes!

Yes, that's who I am, the CIA.

I don't know what's
come over you lately.

Never come home for
supper with the family.

Always trotting around with
a whole lot of new people,

who I hate and I ain't even met.

Archie, after six months
of being here,

I'm finally starting
to have some fun.

Oh, fun. Fun for you,
that's t*rture for me.

You shouldn't be
listening to this.

Billie, be reasonable, huh?

If I don't know where you are,

then how am I gonna
keep an eye on you?

You don't have to
keep an eye on me.

- I'm grown up now.
- I'm 18.

I even vote.

That ain't my fault.

Richard E. Nixon done that,

that's the one mistake
the man ever made.

But under this here roof,
there's only one vote.

And I got that vote.

You know, you're right.

You're damned right, I'm right.

That's why I shouldn't be
under this roof anymore.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Hey, you should listen
to this here, huh?

Every time we have
a little argument,

and there's some words,

she's reaching for
the "Samsonites."

You ain't going
no place, Billie,

'cause there's no place
for you to go.

You ain't got the
money to live alone.

How do you know?

'Cause I don't pay her enough.

- Life is tough, Billie.
- Life is tough.

Yeah, well, tough or not,
I'm gonna face it.

You handled that real well.

And don't...

I gotta start stopping yelling,
I'm gonna have strokes.

Don't be a wisenheimer
over here.

And don't worry,
she ain't going nowheres.

- Gary: Cash?
- He pays you cash?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Bunker, aren't you aware
that it's against the law

to pay Raoul out of petty cash?

Don't be giving me the law here.

He's a Spanish guy.

He don't know nothing
about the law.

You know anything
about the law, Raoul?

- No.
- No.

The man is a walking misdemeanor

ever since he crossed
the border late one night.

Right, Raoul?

Inmigracion?

No, they're terrorizing
Brooklyn today.

Go on back to work.

I don't believe this, Arch.

We're running a bar here,
we're out of vodka.

So, what's the difference?
Don't matter.

Spots on the sun.

I'll order some today, tomorrow.

And meantime, what am I
gonna tell the customers

who want screwdrivers
or Bloody Marys?

I don't... Hey!

I know what to tell them.

Two days, no vodka,

it's our little protest

against the Russians
going into Salvador.

Salvador is us.

- Oh, where did they go?
- Afghanistan.

Tell them that.

It's nice to see a man
with a global conscience.

Eh...

Bunker, have you ever considered

taking inventory
of your merchandise

so you'll know exactly
what you've got?

Well, checking around,

I can tell you I got
one too many of you.

Uncle Abe said there'd
be days like this.

Yeah? Well,
your Uncle Abe is right.

He didn't say every day.

Shirley, I need a favor.

Are you still looking
for a roommate?

- Yeah, sure.
- Oh, terrific.

Well, how soon do you
want to move in?

Uh, tonight?

That's a problem.

Oh.

Well, my fiancé
just got into town,

and it's an efficiency
apartment,

and we haven't seen
each other in six months.

You know what I mean?

Oh, I get the picture.

Hey, I'm sorry.

- Oh, no, that's okay.
- Um, thanks, anyway.

Ladies, ladies, conversation?

While the customers is
waiting service out there!

And look at you.
You got my office

looking like
a Greyhound bus station.

Is that supposed to scare me?

I'm not bluffing, Archie.

In fact, I've already
found a place.

Do tell.

Well, just in case,
tonight for supper,

we'll put your plate
on the table.

That's one plate
you won't have to wash.

- Yeah, we'll see.
- Well, in the meantime,

could you do something
for mankind?

Look for a bottle of vodka.

Archie: Here we are.

Hey, come on,
don't be moping there, huh?

Here. I brung you a lovely
pile of franks and beans.

Well, I've been sweating
over them for an hour.

Eat them.

I can't.

I'm worried about Billie.

Why?

I don't know where she is.

Ah, she'll be all right.

Hey, hey, you know where
she probably is?

The YWCA.

And if she's there,
she'll be home tomorrow.

'Cause she ain't gonna be able
to take more than one night

listening to the wailings
of 1,200 forgotten women

on their cots.

Oh, I really appreciate this.

You saved my life.

Hey, what are friends for?

Listen, I had that extra
bedroom all cleared out,

and you can stay
as long as you want.

Terrific.

I don't know how
I'll ever repay you.

Well, we'll try to
think of something.

No, really. I don't want to
take advantage of you.

Billie, take, take.

No, until I find my own place,

I want to split all the expenses
right down the middle.

Now, how much do you pay
a month for this place?

$1,175.

What's half of that?

$150.

I was always terrible at math.

- You're a doll.
- Aw, come on.

But I insist on paying
half of everything else.

And I can do most
of the housework.

Billie, that's not necessary.

I have a woman who comes in
every now and then.

Well, just tell her you
don't need her anymore.

My mother?

- You're so cute.
- Oh, no, no, no.

Don't say "cute."

Cute is a liability.

I mean, last week,
I was in front of a jury

making this impassioned plea,

and a lady in the front row
pinched my cheek.

Okay, you're not cute,

you're... adorable.

That's what I am.

Especially when
you do Peter Lorre.

Mm-mm. Not again.

- Oh, come on. Come on.
- Okay.

You despise me, don't you, Rick?

You know, I have many
friends in Casablanca,

but somehow,
because you despise me,

you're the only one I trust.

I love it.

- Yeah. Oh, hey,
I'm working on a new one.
- Oh.

So nice to see you.

We don't get many visitors
in this part of Transylvania.

That's great.
That's Boris Karloff, right?

Close enough.

Well, I'm getting really tired.

I think I better go to sleep.

Oh. Yeah, yeah, right.

Oh, you've had a tough day, huh?

You've been through a lot.

Get some rest.

- Mm-hmm.
- This is gonna be great.

I mean, we can have fun,
we can talk.

You're a real pal.

- Good night.
- Good night, Billie.

Yeah, I guess it'll work out.

I mean, you're right.

It's going to work out.
It is going to work!

- Of course it will.
- It's cool.

How the hell will it work?

With cold showers it'll work.

- Hi.
- Oh, hi.

I forgot to tell you what
a terrific breakfast you made.

- I love eggs Benedict.
- Oh, I'm glad.

I take pride in my hollandaise.

Hey, and you,
I can't believe the way
you cleaned up that kitchen.

Well, that's the way I am.

Everything has to be spotless.

- Boy, I know.
- You even dusted the bagels.

- I better get in there.
- Oh, okay.

Remember, not a word to Archie.

Do I look suicidal?

Bunker, we have to go over
these sales figures.

Oh, what the hell
is a matter with them?

Well, according
to these figures,

either business is better
or your arithmetic is worse.

Listen, I ain't in the mood

to talk business
right now, you know?

I've got a few domestic
problems on my mind here.

Billie, she's driving me nuts.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, I'm sorry
I can't get into it

with you there,
you know, Rabinowitz.

Because it's a personal
private, family matter.

And I don't like to discuss
them things with strangers.

I don't blame you.

She left home.

Really?

Gee, smart lawyer, you had
to drag it out of me, huh?

Well, all right,

I might as well tell you the
whole story, if you must know.

We had a little disagreement.

And then words
led to other words,

you know, as words generally do.

And, uh, she packed
her bags and went out.

And I don't even know
where she's staying.

- Hey!
- What?

Did she say anything to you

about the place
she's staying at?

Uh, yes, yes, she did.

What?

She told me she had
a great breakfast there.

That's all?

Bunker, I wouldn't
worry too much.

Billie's a mature young woman.

Oh, that mature.

That's another word
for dangerous.

That's what worries me.
That's what worries me.

You know, in case
you ain't noticed lately,

she ain't exactly
built like Olive Oil.

- I've noticed.
- Hey.

I mean, take a young lady
like that, single, alone,

out there in the world
all by herself.

Come on, what red-blooded
American male

ain't gonna make a move on her?

Oh, there's gotta be one.

No, I really want to
thank you for today.

Oh, for what?

Well, for taking me
to the Metropolitan.

I haven't been to a museum
since fourth grade.

Aw, Billie, New York has
some of the greatest art
in the world.

I mean, we have the Whitney,
the Guggenheim, the Modern.

Not to mention the subways.

You're such
a breath of fresh air.

Oh.

Well, you know so much about
fine wine, art, music...

Hey, we saw the original
of this today, right?

- Right.
- It's a, uh...

- Yeah, Gauguin.
- Gauguin.

That's a whole book about him.

Hmm.

Hey, I like this.

"Tahitian Woman Bathing."

It has a certain mood
to it, doesn't it?

- Definitely.
- Mmm.

"This work embodies
the primitive sensuality

of Gauguin's style.

We are struck first by the eyes,

then the delicate face framed
by an abundance of dark hair."

So true.

"The hair leads us
from the shoulders down
to the girlish curves

of the lithe young body."

"The final curve
of the bent right leg

returns us to the top
of the painting."

Don't stop.

That's all.

Oh!

Oh, yeah.

Boy, what a painting.

- Mmm.
- Where are you going?

Oh, I'm gonna take
a quick shower before dinner.

Gary, how many showers
do you take a day?

Hey, it's been a busy day.

I mean, walking around
the museum

and poring over art books.

All that culture, uh,
makes me sweat.

Hey, you're too young
to be out with him.

Don't come back.

Don't be looking at me.

Harry: Hi, Arch, we may have
a problem in the kitchen.

Ah, well, throw some Drano
in it and leave me alone.

It ain't a clogged drain.

Harry, I got problems at home.

Billie ain't back, huh?

Did I mention her?

Let me tell you something,

if she wants to leave home
and go out and live by herself,

that's her own life.

I ain't the one to interfere.

What is going on out here?

He's looking in
the refrigerator.

What is he doing, Raoul?

I think he's talking
to the chickens.

Uh, yoo-hoo,
Mr. Hoo Hoo.

Mind if I ask
what the hell you're doing

with your nose in my icebox?

I'm from the Quick Count
Inventory Service.

The owner hired me.

Wait a minute there.

Hey, I'm the owner,
and I didn't hire you.

Well, this was
a Gary Rabinowitz.

Gary Rabinowitz, the owner?

How do you like that?

Let me call this guy.
What's his number, here?

I got his home phone right here.

What the hell is he doing,
posing as the owner of
this place?

Some nerve.

Sending a guy over here
to count my chickens.

It's ringing.

Billie: Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

Ah...

Oh, God, a heavy breather.

Listen, creep,
you're a sick man.

My roommate happens
to be a lawyer,

and he knows every cop in town.

These two girls of mine
are gonna have me on a table

with hoses up my nose!

What is it?

The big one.

She's at Gary Rabinowitz's
apartment.

Now, take it easy, Arch.

Gary, dinner's almost ready!

Gary is gone. He won't be back.

Tonight, you'll be dining
with Count Dracula.

I'll be right with you.

I just washed my hair
and I can't do a thing with it.

You're crazy, Gary.-

Who is it?

Archie:
It's the creep, in person.

Open up.

Gary Rabinowitz's apartment.

Well, I knew no good
was gonna come

of all of that touching
in the bar.

It's not what you think.

I didn't have any place to stay,

and Gary was sweet enough
to let me stay with him.

- Sweet?
- Don't give me sweet.

What the hell are you
talking about, sweet?

Where the hell is this guy?

Sweet! What are you
talking about, sweet?

What is sweet about a guy

taking advantage, huh?

Trying to reduce a young girl
of 18 in an apartment.

You're completely wrong.

Gary would never do
anything like that.

He's not that kind of a guy.

Is he a f*g?

No.

Well?

- We are good friends.
- That's it.

Oh, honey,
you don't know nothing.

You're so naive.

Don't you know a man and a woman
can never be good friends?

Why not?

Because their hormones

make them do things.

It really isn't even
any of your business,

but I'm just telling you,
once and for all,

that there...
Nothing funny is going on.

Natasha, darling,

what did you do with my pants?

As soon as I put them on,

I intend to bite your neck...

Oy vey.

Nothing funny, huh?

Well, I certainly think

that this is
a little funny, you know?

A half-naked guy chasing you
around the living room there,

screaming at you
in broken Yiddish.

Well, huh...

I don't know what to say.

I mean, you know,
my heart is broke.

And by the way, what
would your little mama say,

if she could see this here, huh?

You running around
looking for your pants.

Trying to bite a young
un-Jewish girl on the neck.

What would she say?

Well, she'd probably
say, "Gary, tateleh,

put your pants on."

I think I will.

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

While I got the two of youse
here in front of me,

I wanna ask
the two of youse, huh...

am I too late?

Too late for what?

Oh, sorry, I'll try
to put it a little politer.

Uh, was youse doing things?

Gary and I have a very
special relationship,

and there's nothing
sexual about it.

I could go on
living here indefinitely,

and he would never
lay a hand on me.

Right, Gary?

It's a question.

Ah, ha, ha, you see.
At least he's being honest.

Look, Billie,
you have to understand that

when you're this close...

well...

I'm not a saint.

I mean, underneath
this towel, I'm a...

Hey, hey, we know what's
underneath the towel.

I didn't realize how
difficult it was for you.

I guess I should've been more
sensitive to your feelings.

What? The hell
with his feelings!

It's my feelings what
you got to worry about.

All right, I'm satisfied.

I believe the two of youse.

As long as you
are still unsoiled.

Get your stuff together
and come on home with me.

How can I come home with you
watching every move I make?

I can't even take a class
without you jumping down
my throat.

- Take the class!
- Take the class!

Live your own life.

Could that be your mother?

Uh, no, Bunker,
it's just dinner.

Listen, why don't you join us?

No, no, no, no.
What have you got?

- Veal parmesan.
- No, no, no, no.

- Why not?
- -No, the first place I ain't hungry.

The second place,
I promised Harry faithfully

I'd come and lock up
the place for him.

Take that off!

If you insist.

But don't do it here!

Not to worry.
I'll be right back.

Why is he talking Jewish to you?

Don't be giving me that
look with them two eyes.

I was just wondering if you'll
ever let me live my own life.

Yes, yes!
I'll let you live your own life.

Anyhow, I mean, after all,
I ain't your father.

'Cause if I was your father...

All right, take it easy.

I am only your poor
softy of an uncle.

Just admit to me what you
was doing here was wrong.

We were not doing wrong.

Oh, come on, honey.

Listen, honey, huh?

This kind of business here,

the living together and all
of that, it looks wrong.

And it always will look wrong.

And I don't care what youse
people think, you know?

In this world...

the way things looks...

that's the way they are.

Oy vey.