03x27 - Death of a Lodger

[bunniefuu]

Here you go.

- Hey, hey.
- I can't eat pancakes that ain't round.

I mean, look at these,
they got corners
all over them.

Eat 'em with your eyes closed.

Well, then how
are they gonna find
their way into my mouth?

- Good morning.
- Morning.

Oh, look who's up.

What time did
Rabinowitz get you
home last night?

I'm not sure,

but I think I passed
the paper boy
on my way in.

How was the ballet?

It was wonderful.

Aw, the ballet!

Jeez.

A bunch of fruits
in long johns leapin'
around a plastic swan.

It wasn't classic,
it was modern.

And as a matter of fact,

last night, we saw
the President's son
with the Joffrey Ballet.

Hey, that's the President's
little cross to bear.

Don't shift it over on me.

The main point
I'm trying to make is

I think you're seeing
a little too much
of young Rabinowitz.

I got half a mind
to call up his
little Jewish mother

with the high blood pressure.

Don't you dare.

I didn't say I was gonna.

I just said I got half a mind.

And if you can't
agree with me in
any of these arguments,

then don't be talkin'.

I'm not talking.

Well, don't be lookin'
at me with the
two big eyes there.

'Cause that's worse.

- Look at this.
- I'm eatin' Texas here.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I brought you
a little something
to eat.

Oh, wow, that looks delicious.

Oh, it smells fantastic.

I can't eat it.

Why not?

I'm depressed.

Oh, is Archie
getting to you again?

Not again, still.

No, no, this is something else.

This is sibling depression.

Oh, your brother Barry, huh?

Yeah. Hey, look,
it's not important.

I mean, I don't
want to talk about it.

Hey.

If it's got you down,
let's talk about it.

This morning,

he actually interrupted
a partners' meeting

just to yell at me
for putting a coffee
spoon on his briefcase.

I mean, the man is amazing.

He still treats me
like I'm five
and he's 12.

Well, what did you do?

I stuck my tongue out at him.

- Gary.
- I'm kidding, Billie.

I just did what I always do.

I kept saying, "I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

He wouldn't even look at me.

Maybe next week
he'll send an
inter-office memo

accepting my apology.

Why do you put up with that?

Yell back at him.

Yell at him?

Oh, Billie,
you don't know
my brother.

Archie: Hey, Rabinowitz,
I want to talk to you.

- You hear that?
- Yes.

Next to my brother,
that's sweet music.

What now, Bunker?

Sit down, Rabinowitz,

we're gonna have to
have a serious talk.

Now don't you remember
rule number one
around here?

- Of course, I do.
- "No shoes, no shirts, no Democrats."

Yeah, but that ain't it.

Oh, the other one?

"Never try to explain
the lamb stew,
just serve it."

No, that ain't it neither.

I'm talkin' about
the most important rule
around here,

which is rule number three.

Nobody never makes no changes

without first
clearing it with me

so I can have at least
a moment's thought
before I say no.

Bunker, that's not a rule,
that's a manifesto.

Well, let me tell you the resto.

There's only one
boss around here,
and that's me.

I know that.

Then how is it
Harry tells me that
you're making plans

to order liquor
from Lester
on Thursdays,

when I'm perfectly happy
to order my liquor
from Morty on Monday?

It's better to order
just before the weekend.

See, that way you
never get caught short.

Come on, will ya?
Harry, when do we
ever get caught short?

Last weekend.

All right, yeah,
but before that?

The weekend before that.

Who asked you,
huh, Harry? -

I gotta get back to work.

Oh, finally.

I got a delivery here
for Gary Rabowitz.

- Uh, Rabinowitz.
- Yeah, just, uh...

- Oh, that's nice.
- Bring it back into the office, will you?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Hold everything,
don't move that
no place there.

Who gave you permission
to order that?

- You did.
- Last Tuesday.

I don't remember Tuesday.

- You don't remember what year this is.
- Is that my problem?

Never mind that,
we don't need this here.

We got an old cabinet
back there that's
perfectly good.

Bunker, it's broken!

The two top drawers
haven't even opened
in six weeks!

Can't you use the bottom drawer?

I would love to,
but your bowling
ball's in there!

Hey, fellas, come on.

Your problem's
getting to be very
well-known out here.

Why don't the two of you
just go discuss this
in your office?

Oh, all right.
Why don't youse all
mind your own business.

Don't be looking at me, here.

Come on, let's go.

That old file cabinet
is the best.

What the hell is it anyway?

Only a coffin for
moldering documents.

I feel like I'm losing control

over all the events
of this establishment.

I'm gonna tell you
right now, it ain't
gonna happen.

With all of this
spending the money
without my permission.

With all of this
making changes
without consulting me.

It's gonna stop, Rabinowitz.
I'm telling you, I've had it.

You've had it?

Listen, Bunker,
let me tell
you something.

I've had it!

Are you mad about something?

Yes, I'm mad about something!

- Why?
- We're just havin' our normal morning conference here.

I don't need these
normal conferences.

I...

God, I think I'm getting a rash.

Where?

Here.

- Oh, there.
- No, that ain't nothin'.

You see what you did?

I'm 29 years old
and I'm coming down
with prickly heat.

Oh, now that's
hardly fair, Rabinowitz,

to start blaming me
for your prickly heat.

Look, I am trying
to keep this
business running

and you keep butting in!

Because it's my business!

And while we're
on the subject,
it's my butt.

All I want you to do
from now on is

nothin' but what
I tell you to do.

And another thing,

don't be seein'
so much of Billie.

Oh, hey, hey. Now just...
Let's leave Billie
out of this.

I just brung Billie into this.

Bunker, forget Billie.

That's what I want you to do!

Oh, God, it's spreading.

Well, I don't think
it's prickly heat, then.

I don't need this!

- Where're you goin'?
- I'm leaving.

Well, When are you comin' back?

I may not come back.
I... I quit.

- What! What? What?
- Wait a minute! What?

Hey, listen,
you can't quit
unless I fire you.

Then fire me!

Oh, oh, then, now listen,
I want youse to listen this,

listen to this,
listen to this,
everybody.

The man is standing here
and he's asking to be fired.

- You want to be fired?
- You're fired!

Thank you.

Ah, see how much
I'm worried about it?

I'll even call him a cab.

Don't bother, I'll walk.

And just remember, Bunker,

you won't have Rabinowitz
to kick around anymore!

Well, remember this, Rabinowitz,

I don't need you
to kick around anymore.

I've got plenty of people
in here I can kick around.

What do I do now?

Follow the man
with the briefcase.

Why are youse all
listenin' to this?

And what's with the face on you?

Archie, what did you do?

- What did I do?
- You was here, you seen.

- I didn't do nothin'.
- Nothin'!

But I'm gonna do
somethin' I shoulda
did months ago.

I'll do it right now.

All right. You know
the old saying,

"Better late than..."

Hello, let me talk
to Abe Rabinowitz
right away.

It's a matter of life and death.

Ah, Barbara Lee,
when you're done there,

see the ketchup
bottles over there,

they require
an emergency refill.

I hope you're proud of yourself.

What're you talkin' about?

Gary was the best thing
that ever happened
to this place.

Well, maybe for you,
Barbara Lee.

But see, the rest of us,

we wasn't interested
in neckin' with him
in the storeroom.

You'll be sorry he's gone.

No, no, I ain't gonna be sorry

because we're gonna get
his older brother, Gary.

- To come and help us here.
- Who I understand is not only smarter than him,

but more pleasanter
and more respectfuler,

and furthermore, is married.

You know, so, he won't
be chasin' nobody around
the premisaries.

Not to mention
anybody's name
particular,

just look at the
party and whistle.

Draw me a pilsner there,
will you, Harry?

Excuse me,
are you Archie Bunker?

Yeah, that's right, pal.
What can I do you?

I'm Barry Rabinowitz,
your new legal
representative.

Oh, hey, hey,
very pleased
to meet you there.

Pleased to meet you.

You know, you don't
look nothin' like
your kid brother.

Well, thank God for that.

- Yeah.
- Well, as long as you're here,

you might as well
meet my bartender,
this is Harry Snowjob.

- Snowden.
- Den, den, den.

- Nice to meet you.
- Hello.

Yeah, well, we might
as well get started.

The office is right back here.

I'm the easiest guy
in the world
to get along with

as long as people
know their place.

Bunker, let's get
something straight
right off.

I'm not a little wimp
like my brother,

- so you're not gonna browbeat or bully me.
- -Huh?

The only reason
that my Uncle Abe is
trying to keep you

from destroying yourself,
is his tender memory
of your late wife.

But I'm not gonna take
any of your usual crap.

Oh, now wait a minute...

I've been given
a full report
on this place,

and frankly,
I'm astonished that
this isn't a vacant lot.

Now, look, pal, I don't think...

And since I also
happen to represent

Murray Klein's share of the bar,

I'm going to take
an added interest

to make sure that
this place is run
more cost efficiently.

Now don't show me
to your office,
I'll find my own way.

Hello, cupcake.

The wimp was right.
You're real cute.

Hey, uh,
what do you suppose
your wife would say

if she heard you
talkin' that way
to a young girl?

My wife?

We signed the
divorce papers
last month.

I think I'm gonna like it here.

Well, you were right, Arch.

He's pleasant,
respectful and married.

How's your husband
feeling, Rose?

I talked him out of
having his operation.

Oh, that's good.

We bought a condo instead.

Barry: Let me
get this straight.

You have been working
here for two years, correct?

That sounds about right.

Can I see your green card?

My green card?

You know,
it's a funny thing
about that green card,

but it always
seems to wind up
in my other pants.

In other words, you're ill*gal.

- No, no.
- My mother and father was married when I was born.

I may have to do
something about this.

Harry?

Yeah?

Harry, I've been watching you.

Yesterday, it took you
almost three minutes
to mix a Gin Fizz.

Well, after all,
it was a Sloe Gin Fizz.

Too slow, Harry.

And you never measure,
you always give the
customers more than a shot.

So from now on,
use a shot-glass.

Hey, look, I've been
tending bar here
for more than 10 years.

You want to make it to 11?
Use a shot-glass.

I, uh, have been
watching you, too.

I'm not wasting time.

I'm cleaning, checking
salt shakers and
heading for the mustard.

I love the way
you head for the mustard.

Would you
take a break please
and talk to me?

Do you usually
come on to girls that
your brother dates?

No, 'cause none
of them were ever
as pretty as you.

Hey, hey, hey.
Would you
please tell me

what is it that
you see with
a little guy like Gary.

Things that you obviously
wouldn't understand.

He's warm and sensitive and fun.

- Fun?
- Excuse me.

What did he do,
show you his
Peter Lorre imitation?

Help me, Rick, help me.

You know, he started
doing that when he
was 10 years old.

Our folks had to
send him to
a psychiatrist.

Not interested.

Neither was the psychiatrist.

He thought it was
the worst Peter Lorre
he'd ever heard.

Hey,
whoop-dee-doo, there.
Whoop-dee-doo.

What is this, huh?
Come on, ixnay
on the flirtay.

What is it with
youse Rabinowitzes?

Does lust run
through your
whole family?

We were just talking, Bunker.

And I've been
expecting you
10 minutes ago.

You know my time is valuable?

I don't like to be kept waiting.

Come on!

I don't believe this guy.

This here is ridiculous!

I can't put up
with much more
of him either, Arch.

Now he's telling me
how to mix drinks.

This is ridiculous.

And he's telling me I'm ill*gal!

You know, you really
deserve this.

You should never
have let Gary go.

I think you oughta get him back.

Harry, let me
do the thinkin',
will you?

All right, I'm here,
what do you want?

Sit down, Bunker.

No, I think I'll stand
if you don't mind.

Bunker, your kitchen
help is ill*gal,

your bartender
should've been put out
to pasture years ago,

your food ordering is haphazard,

and your liquor supply
is understocked.

Get to the point.

Obviously, neither you
nor my wimp brother

had any idea
how to run a business.

So, I'm recommending
to my uncles

that we hire
a professional manager.

Well, I'm recommending
to your uncles

that you take a hike!

Bunker, six of the
original Rabinowitzes
have quit on you,

their accountants
have quit on you,

even my brother quit on you.

Hey, I ain't here to reminisce.

Now, listen, a law firm
doesn't usually give
this kind of help.

If I walk,
you are dropped
as a client,

and you'll never
get anybody who'll
do all this work.

Well, I think you're wrong!

Your Uncle Abe ain't
gonna quit on me.

He'll never let me down.

And he's the man
I'm gonna talk to.

He's on vacation,
we sent him
to the mountains.

Well, then I'll wait
till he gets back.

Just remember,
that old man is still
the head of your firm!

Not if we can keep him
in the mountains.

Therefore, our client,
Leone Meats Incorporated,

is under no
obligation whatsoever

to pay for any damages
to your kitchen utensils

which were incurred
during the slicing
of their salami.

Sincerely yours,
so forth and so on.

Marsha, why do I get
all these piddly cases?

Because you're nothing
around here.

You are low man
on the totem pole.

Or to put it more dramatically,

you are the bottom
of the barrel.

Gee, that's
tactfully put, Marsha.

Why don't you
just drive a spike
through my heart?

- What's next?
- The Simmons case.

Oh, yes, Simmons, okay.

Um. Dear Mr. Simmons,

we regret to inform you
that we have no legal basis

to pursue your request
for an injunction.

Despite the fact
that your neighbor's
fox terrier, Ralph,

continues to approach
your poodle, Naomi.

The courts ordinarily
will not interest themselves

in such, uh, relationships.

- Yes, Lillian?
- Lillian: Mr. Bunker's
here to see you.

I'm terribly sorry.

Tell him my appointment
book is filled
for the next decade.

Archie: Tell him
I hear him and I gotta
see him right away.

Lillian:
Mr. Bunker, please!

You are knocking
over my pencils.

It never ends.

Okay, Lillian, send him back.

Do you want me to leave?

No, no, stay.

- In fact, take notes.
- I may be able to submit this to Reader's Digest.

You know, that's
very discourtesy
to lie that way.

Hello, Bunker.

I knew you was in here.

So this is your office, huh?

Well, it's kind of
small but then,

it's very adjacent
to the toilet.

This is my secretary, Marsha.

Yeah, hiya, sis.

Look, I want to talk
to the attorney here
in private,

so, you know, you could leave.

- Bunker, you can say anything you want.
- She's my cousin.

Oh, yeah, jeez,
the whole family, huh?

God, the building
is full of Rabinowitzes.

It's like the Jewish Osmonds.

You getting all this down?

All of it.

Yeah, well, you don't
have to put down

the word Jewish there, you know.

Tell you why I come
over here, Rabinowitz.

Gary: I know why you
came here, Bunker.

Yeah, why?

My brother Barry
is driving you crazy, right?

- He's bossing you around and calling you names.
- I know.

For 20 years,
he called me
"the little wimp."

He still calls you that.

Don't write that.

I'm sorry, Bunker,
I'm not coming back.

No, these last few days,
I have been like a new man.

- I mean it.
- I have never been so totally relaxed.

- Yeah, what about your rash?
- Is it still itching ya?

No, it's completely gone.

And here at the office,
they're giving me

some very important
cases to handle.

I have a huge litigation
with a sausage company.

- A major injunction protecting animal rights.
- Am I right, Marsha?

Right, big cases.

So, you're just stuck
with my over-bearing brother.

- Hey, hey.
- Don't go jumping to no conclusions.

I didn't come here
to ask you back.

That was the furtherest
thing from my mind.

And as long as you
refuse my request,
to hell with it.

I just thought that
as long as I was
in the neighborhood,

I'd just drop by, you know.

To let you know
that your brother
advises me

that you left
my place in a mess.

Oh, really?

Yes! Really.

He tells me that
you understocked me
on certain items.

You overstocked me
on a whole lot of items there.

And that maybe
a lot of my employees

I shouldn't have
kept on so long.

In case you never
noticed, Bunker,
my brother is an a*s!

You want me to write that down?

No, don't write that down.

Write it down.
And underline it!

Anyway,
I just thank the Lord,
in his infinite wisdom,

for sending your
brother to me in time
to save my business.

- Oh, that's fine.
- That's terrific.

Go work with my brother, please.

You two deserve each other.

- Fine.
- Fine.

Fine.

Uh, by the way, Billie,

she asks me as long
as I was over here,
to say goodbye to you.

What?

Oh, gee, you didn't
hear the bad news, huh?

What?
What bad news?

Oh, well...

It's bad news,
you know,
I don't know...

Bunker, did something
happen to Billie?

No, no, nothin'
happened to Billie.

No, no, she's good.

She's better than ever.

No, what it is, is this, uh...

Your brother,
you know, he kind of
took a shine to Billie.

And, I mean, Billie,
she ain't exactly kickin'
him out the door neither.

You know, one of them
things there.

And as you know yourself,
you know, in case
you ain't noticed

he's better lookin' than you.

I'll m*rder him.

Oh, oh, gee, don't do that.

Don't do that, Rabinowitz.

- Gee, never go to violence.
- No, no, very bad.

No, violence never does no good.

Unless there's a little
hope left, see.

But, in a situation
like this, no, no, no.

Just remember the ol' sayin',

"It's better to have
loved and lost,

than, uh..."

be a rollin' stone
that gathers no moss."

Is he right about Billie?

Get your coat, Gary.

Yeah.

Wait a minute, Marsha,
you've never told me
anything right before.

Go, go.

Other way, Gary!

Marsha, it's this way.

Did you get him back?

Take it easy, take it easy.

He's comin'.
He's comin'.

Okay, where is he?

Huh?

- Where's my lousy brother?
- -Oh, uh...

In the storeroom with Billie.

With Billie.

Our storeroom?

Stop calling me cupcake!

Hey, wimpo,
what are you
doing here?

I'm taking my job back.

- Well, you can have it.
- As soon as I straighten out your mess.

Now listen, let's get
something straight, Barry,
there's no mess here.

I had this place
running like clockwork,
and I am taking back this job.

Now listen to me.

Uncle Abe knows that
when I take on a job,
I see it through.

You know what I'd love to do?

No, what?

I would love to tell Uncle Abe

which one of us
really botched up
the Medwin case.

Hey, hey, any good lawyer
can lose a little key.

Really?

I'd also love
to tell Aunt Sylvia
what happened to her cat.

- What are you talking about?
- It was 23 years ago.

And what does a kid
know about electricity?

But you know what, Barry,
I'm not going to do that.

I'm simply going
to tell you once,

to get the hell out of here.

And what are you
going to do if I don't?

I'm going to throw you out.

Listen,

if working with Bunker
means so much to you,

I'm not going
to fight you
over that.

I've got other things
to do, wimpy.

Barry, that's another thing.

Where did this
wimp thing come from?

You know, nobody else
has ever called me that.

Why did you start
calling me that?

It seemed appropriate
at the time.

Hey, listen, cupcake,

when you get tired
of this guy,
and you will,

give me a call?

I'll see you back
at the office, Gary.

And if you need
any help, feel free.

You, I was so proud of you!

Very interesting,
that, you know.

I always thought that
brothers fought like
that in gentile families.

You know, drawing upon
my own experience there.

But not the Jews,
I thought the Jews was
very much like this.

Live and learn.

You said it, pal.

Where the hell are they?

In the storeroom.