04x04 - Double Date

[bunniefuu]

- We on for tonight?
- Oh, yeah.

- I'm looking forward to it.
- Oh, me too.

- Mm.
- Mm.

Look at them two
over there, huh?

Always pecking at each other...

like a couple of pigeons
hunting for ticks.

Rabinowitz, could I have a word
with you over here?

What is it, Bunker?

Can't you keep your lips
to yourself?

I mean particularly
during business hours?

And anyway, you're supposed
to be in the office there

going through the accounts.

Bunker, I've been doing that
since eight o'clock.

I just came out to get
a cup of coffee. You mind?

No! You can have coffee,
I'm having coffee myself.

The only thing I object to
is when you stop along the way

to help yourself
to some extra sugar.

If you folly my meaning.

I folly.

- I'm on a break now.
- Oh, great!

So, where is it
that we're going to eat?

- Eat? Oh, no, no, no.
- No, we are not gonna eat.

We are going to dine.

Now, I made reservations

at Tavern on the Green,
Central Park.

- Oh, that sounds fantastic!
- Yeah.

Then, after dinner, we'll take
a nice hansom cab ride

through the park.

How romantic.-

My middle name is romance.

I thought you said
it was Herschel.

What? What?

Look at the tomato
just come in, boss.

Impression,
you can see her tonight...

Guess who?

- Uh, I don't know.
- Give me a hint.

Oh! Aunt Sophie?

- Cheryl!
- Ta-da!

Cheryl! Well,
what are you doing here?

I mean, you...
You didn't call or anything.

- I called your office.
- They told me you were here.

- I wanted to surprise you.
- Oh, you did!

Oh, Koala Bear!

Koala Bear?

Uh, Billie, this is Cheryl Dodd.

- She's an old friend of mine.
- Old friend?

I think you can do better
than that, Koala Bear.

After all, we were engaged once.

Engaged? Gary,
you never told me...

And, uh, Cheryl,
this is Billie Bunker.

Uh, she's a waitress here.

A waitress?

And... and a very close,
personal friend.

Thank you.

Uh, sit. Please.

Gosh! Five years.

You look great, Gary.

- Ah, I feel great.
- But you, you look terrific.

Doesn't she look terrific?

- Yeah, she looks terrific.
- You know, Cheryl's a model.

She does magazine ads
and billboards...

I thought you looked familiar.
I saw your bra ad in the subway.

Really?

Advertising Age
called it provocative.

It's hard to tell,

someone drew hair on your chest.

Those subways
are really something,

aren't they?

Well, being a waitress,
I have to get back to work.

Uh, look Billie, why don't you
just stay and join us?

No, no, no. Now, Koala Bear,
just sit down and talk.

Nice.

I have been seeing your face

all over town. You must be doing
fabulously well.

I've been lucky.

- What about you?
- Your own law firm.

Oh, come on, it...
It's not exactly my law firm.

It's me and a dozen relatives.

We're kind of the Osmond family
of the legal profession.

- So, um...
- tell me, are you happy?

- Oh, I've never been happier.
- Oh, that's great!

I'm getting divorced.

Oh! Uh...

- sorry to hear that.
- Who's handling it?

I hope you can.

Oh, Cheryl, I'm...
I'm not a divorce attorney.

Gary, please. I am desperate.

I had to fire my lawyer.

Yesterday in his office,
he tried to undress me.

That's so unprofessional.

You never do that in the office.

- That's why I need your help.
- Look, Cheryl, I...

I can't just jump
into a case like...

All you have to do is pinch hit.

Come over to my place tonight,
we can go over the file.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, uh, tonight's out. Na-uh

It won't take long.

- I'll fix dinner.
- I'm sorry, Cheryl.

I... I just cannot
come over tonight.

Why don't you come over
to the office now?

I can't, Gary. I got
a photo session in 40 minutes.

- Hmm.
- I hate to do this to you.

But I really am in a bind.

I've got to be
in court tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Please, Gary...

for old times' sake?

Have you ever seen
this girl before?

Yeah, I seen her in a bra
and panties in Times Square.

What?

- On a billboard, Arch.
- She's a model.

She's also his ex-fiancée.

His ex...

What are you trying to tell me?

That that beautiful girl there
nearly married Rabinowitz?

- So she's a model.
- So she's gorgeous.

- So she's probably rich.
- Big deal.

Tuna salad, table six!

Look, uh, Billie, I'm afraid
something's come up tonight.

Cheryl has a legal emergency.

She's got a messy
divorce hearing tomorrow.

What a shame.

So, I'm going to have
to go over to her place

and go through her... You know...

- Her briefs?
- Yeah.

No! Well, yes, legally speaking.

I mean,
it's... it's strictly business.

I have to determine her alimony

and assess
her personal property.

It looked pretty good to me.

How come you never told me
about her?

- Billie, that was five years ago.
- I was still in law school.

It's ancient history.

Well, it looks like history
is repeating itself, doesn't it?

Oh, come on, now. Billie!

What? -

My hand is under this.

What goes on here, huh?

I mean, what's goin' on
between the two of youse?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Rabinowitz,
I want to talk to you.

Let's get this thing
straightened out, huh?

What is it with you?

I mean, first you go
and get yourself tangled up

in my niece's affectations.

And then the next thing,
I see you kissing

that poster girl,
right in front of her.

Are... are you some kind
of a degenerate?

Look, Bunker, what I do
is none of your business.

Listen, you want to go
fool around with that model,

- that's fine.
- But leave Billie alone.

I don't want to go
fooling around with that model.

Are you telling me
that she was willing

to marry you?

Yeah.

Why?

You mean you haven't heard
about us, uh...

Jewish men?

Ah, come on, Rabinowitz,
cut it out, will you?

Ah, I mean that... that's true
about the coloreds,

but not about the Jews.

It's nice talking to you,
Bunker.

Hold it, hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it.

That's all you've got
to say to me?

That's all.

Except that this conversation,
as always,

has been sparkling,
provocative...

and strange.

I'm gonna be watching you,
Rabinowitz.

I'm gonna be watching you
like a hawk!

I don't know, Cheryl, I mean,
under these circumstances...

Oh, no! No, no. No more for me.

Um, I'm going to make
a motion for a continuance.

I mean, the respondent, uh,
is simply not...

What?

You're still adorable,
you know that?

Yeah?

Yeah.

You know, I think it's my skin.

- I, uh, I took your advice.
- I never use soap.

Remember when you took me
to the Catskills...

and we went skinny dipping-

- at night?
- Yeah, I remember.

Uncle Abe
would never let me forget it.

I came out of the water
and I bumped right into him.

Actually, I think it was
the highlight of his life.

- Oh, the poor guy.
- Uh, thank God, you knew CPR.

Well, we had some great times.

What ever happened to us?

You don't remember?

Well, I took you
to the country club dance,

and you wound up going home
with the golf pro.

- I was terrible.
- Mm-hmm.

- Did I hurt you real bad?
- Ah, no!

I just didn't date for a year.

And my whole family
thought I turned g*y.

- Oh, you're not serious?
- Really.

My mother was so upset,
she sold my cemetery plot.

- You still crack me up.
- Well.

Mm.

Uh, Cheryl. Whoa!

Now, look, um,
what I came here to do...

let me just, uh, try to do it.

Okay?

Okay.

Oh, Cheryl, please don't.

Hey, I owe you one, Koala Bear.

- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.

- Don't I?
- No.

Maybe.

Oh, what's with you?

You look like
you're falling asleep

over your lunch.

Billie kept me up all night.

Oh, yeah? How'd she do that?

She was pacing the floor,
and when she wasn't pacing

the floor,
she was grinding her teeth.

Aw, jeez, it's all over
that Gary Rabinowitz.

God, what a waste of time.

- It's not a waste of time.
- She likes him a lot.

Why are relationships
so complicated?

- Because people are in them.
- And people are screwballs.

Understand?

Now, let that be a lesson
to you, little girl.

There ain't no guy out there
that's worth you crying over,

or me getting heartburn
over your crying.

- C'mon, Uncle Archie.
- Oh, no, I mean it.

My advice to you is,

- give up boys now.
- Save yourself the trouble.

God, the way
you're growing up sometimes,

I feel like shoving you
in one of them convents.

And it might be nice.

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

If I weren't Jewish.

Yeah.

Uh, well, I'll tell you
one thing you can do.

- You can go to school.
- Do that, huh?

- Okay. See you later.
- Yeah.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Billie, Billie, uh...

What is all this pacing floors
and grinding teeth?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking
about Gary Rabinowitz.

Why don't you
dump that guy, huh?

He ain't never gonna be true
to you.

Don't you know that?

I mean, uh,
about Jewish guys, that Jew...

About Jewish guys,

they're world-famous
skirt chasers.

Where do you get these things?

Where do I get these things?

- I get them out of the Bible.
- Don't you understand

that it's a tradition
with the Jews now?

It comes from the time way back

when they was walking
for 40 years in the desert

with nothing
to keep them company,

but bagels and camels.

Need I say more?

I wish you'd say less.

I wish you'd do like I tell you.

Read the Bible. Do that.

And it wouldn't do you no harm

to read the Bible
neither there, sis.

Help me, Lord!

What do you think?
What do you think, Harry, huh?

I don't think Rabinowitz
would do that.

He probably went to her place,

did the legal work
and went home.

If you believe that, Harry,

then I've got some swampland

in Nicaragua
I'd like to sell you.

You own land, Jose?

You guys have a one-track mind.

- Morning, Harry.
- Strong coffee, please.

Sure. Tough night, huh?

You have
a one-track mind, Harry.

Morning, Billie.

Good afternoon.

You look tired.
Did you work hard last night?

Oh! Yeah, don't ask.

The... that previous attorney
just bungled the whole thing.

I... I didn't get home
until two in the morning.

Gee, two in the morning, huh?

Yeah, I was really beat.

Yeah. Well, serving a client
takes a lot of strength.

Yeah.

I called you every hour
on the hour till 6:00 a.m.

You never went home last night.

- Oh, what?
- No, actually, you're right.

I... I kind of fell asleep
on Cheryl's couch, you know.

From exhaustion.

Yeah.

Rabinowitz...

I may be inexperienced,
but I'm not an idiot.

You slept with her, didn't you?

No. No, I...

What can I say?

We had a little wine.

We started talking and...

it just...

happened.

Do you know why I tried
to call you last night?

I was calling you to apologize

for being so immature
and for not trusting you.

Well, I must be an idiot.

Try to understand, what happened
last night was...

Uh...

It was an impulse.

Impulse?

Well...

so is this.

Damn it, Billie!
Now, we have to talk about this.

No. I don't want
to talk about it.

- And I don't want to see you.
- Just stay out of my life.

Did I just hear her tell you
to stay out of her life?

That's fast service, Lord.

You better come clean, Dolan,

or I'll beat it out of you.

No, no, don't hit me.

I'll tell you.

- I'll tell you.
- Don't... don't hit me, Pop.

Don't hit me with the shovel.

Jeez, not again!

Come on, tell me.

- All right, all right!
- I'm coming to the door.

Who's out there
at one o'clock in the morning?

Oh, Rabinowitz?

- Yeah.
- What a surprise.

Bunker, I have to see Billie.

Come on, will you?

You called up here
12 times tonight,

- she wouldn't come to the phone.
- Can't you take a hint?

Look, I know that... But...

Hey, go on. Hey...

Come on!

Get away from me.

Bunker, have a heart, will you?

Barney's dog has my leg.

k*ll, Rusty, k*ll!

What's all the commotion?

Oh, no, no. Nothing, nothing.

Just a couple of dogs
just fighting on the porch.

Go on back to bed.

Bunker, you have to let me in.

I have to let you in?

- Who are you? Immigration?
- Who am I? A ch*nk?

Billie says to let you in.

Aw, jeez!
I knew this was gonna happen.

- Hi.
- Thanks, Stephanie.

Well, well. Good old Rusty.

He lost his bladder,
but he ain't lost his teeth.

Billie, uh...

- I couldn't sleep.
- I had to see you.

Can we talk? Please?

- C'mon, Rabinowitz.
- Give us a break, huh?

It's one o'clock in the morning.

Come on in the kitchen.

Isn't this exciting?

What do you mean, exciting?

When are you gonna learn
to recognize t*rture?

You really hurt me.

I know.

I'm sorry.

I feel sick about it.

I have hives all over my body.

Good.

Gary,
it's not like we're married.

I guess that you have the right

to just go and do
whatever you want to do.

But I thought
that you cared more than that.

Billie, I do.

Well, you have a funny way
of showing it.

Billie,
I can't take back what I did.

But you have to believe me.

There's nothing
between Cheryl and me.

I... I have no feelings left
for her at all.

No feeling...
You were engaged to her.

Oh, Billie,
that was such a fluky thing.

I couldn't really believe

that a girl like Cheryl
actually liked me.

I mean,
considering my past history

with women.

I mean, I've dated
some major league neurotics.

Nina Plotkin.

She carried mice in her purse.

Let's not forget
Evelyn Korshack.

Oy.

Compulsive eater.

I took her
to my cousin's wedding,

and right during the ceremony,
she snuck into the kitchen

and ate the top two tiers
off the wedding cake.

Including that little
plastic bride and groom.

Hey, it's not funny.

- I had a bad streak.
- It could happen to anybody.

And then I met Cheryl.

For three months
I felt like Robert Redford.

We'd walk into a restaurant
and people would...

Would turn around
and... and look at us. Well...

at her.

Well, I'm sorry
that I'm not Cheryl.

I'm not sorry.

You, uh, you laugh
at my Peter Lorre imitations.

You appreciate me.

And you're beautiful.

You've already given me
more than Cheryl ever could.

Except for last night.

Billie, I've told you.

I'm not gonna rush you
into anything.

I'm happy right now just to...

be with you.

Okay?

Okay.

Good night.

Billie.

I love you.

You guys made up!

Did you kiss him?

I'll never tell.

Good night, Steph.

Good night.

Do you ever get hungry
this time of night?

I do
when I haven't eaten all day.

Should we have some chicken?

I think we should.

It's Uncle Archie's.

- We shouldn't.
- But he's asleep.

We should.

Oh! Thanks.

Looks good. It is good.

Oh, my God, ain't this terrible.

I thought I was having
a bad nightmare in there.

But this, what I see
before me is even worse.

Look at them,
eating my chicken here.

Shades of the meathead.