So, what happened then,
Lieutenant?
Well, after I put
the pickpocket in his cell,
I realized my wallet is missing.
And it wasn't till after
we strip searched him,
I found it in my desk.
Boy, you must have
been embarrassed.
Well, not as much
as the pickpocket.
He had the words "Hi, Sailor"
tattooed on his behind.
What the hell did he mean
by that?
In English, Raoul! In English!
But I don't know how to say
"pasta fagioli" in English.
- No, no, no.
- Just don't speak Spanish
when the Lieutenant
is out there, okay?
- Carmody? But he's okay.
- Hey, when you're an ill*gal,
you don't take no chances
with the cops.
- Ah, we stay in here.
- Right.
I mean, why call attention
to ourselves?
I don't know. Why?
Lieutenant,
can I get you anything else?
- Ah, no. Thanks, Billie.
- How much do I owe you?
- Uh, let's see...
- Nothing, nothing.
On... on the house
for my friend Jimmy over there.
- Hey, you sure, Arch?
- I certainly am.
Anything to show my appreciation
for the beautiful job
you're doing out there,
protecting the American public
from the American people, right?
- Hey, Jose! Raoul!
- Come on out here
and start cleaning up, will ya?
Hey. Where are you go...
- What the hell you doing?
- Hiding there? Come on.
Always these problems
with the Latinos,
you know, Jimbo. I mean,
nice guys,
but they can't wake up
no enthusiasm
for the menial chores
that I provide 'em there.
To tell you the truth,
sometimes I don't know
how these people
ever worked up enough pep
to invade the Falklands.
- Well.
- So long, Arch. And thanks.
- Thanks a lot, Harry, Billie.
- Take it easy.
- Lieutenant.
- Catch you later, fellas.
Yeah, Jim.-
Hey, guys. Hey, hey, hey, cuss.
You know, youse two guys
remind me of the Three Stooges.
Why don't we close
a little early tonight, Archie?
Only the boss can say you close
a little earlier
and you ain't the boss,
I'm the boss.
Harry, uh, why don't we close
a little early tonight?
- Terrific.
- I'm away!
Look at this. Leaning up
against the table, here.
What do you call this?
This is a broom
and this is a... a bedpan.
Can't you help him
with the lingo, Jose. Huh?
Don't you know that bedpan
could turn him
into a social outcast?
All right, I'm gonna leave, too.
Oh, Jose, you're gonna
lock up here tonight.
You know,
not only the front door,
but double-lock the back door.
Be sure and do that, huh?
Sprinkle all the roach powder
in the cracks around here.
And the blue stuff
in all the terlets, huh?
Take out the garbage there.
And bait them mousetraps.
Why do I gotta do
everything around here?
Why is he always pretending
we got mice?
We got rats!
Take out the garbage,
double-bolt the doors,
sprinkle the roach powder,
put the blue stuff
in the toilets.
And then we got
to clean the kitchen,
cook the food... Oh.
- Why are we doing all this?
- Because in El Salvador...
That's not a bad answer.
No, no, no!
He's okay, don't touch him.
I know we gotta help him,
but if we...
If we call the police,
they might find out
- that we're ill*gal.
- But we got to do something.
Look, the best way
we can help him
is call the police
and then call an ambulance
but don't tell them who we are.
- Speak English!
- That's what I just said!
I didn't even go
by the alley last night.
I just walked
straight to my truck,
- right behind Billie.
- And you didn't notice anything?
Uh, Lieutenant...
I was walking behind Billie.
All right, Bunker, I've checked.
Now, the alley is not part
of your property.
Good. Then I ain't involved.
- Hi, honey.
- Uh, customers.
- Oh. Right.
- Customers.
So, uh, Lieutenant, I suppose
you're never gonna catch
this guy, huh?
Well, maybe...
The victim didn't see anybody.
- We don't have a witness.
- Who reported it?
We got
this anonymous phone call.
Uh, some guy,
hardly made any sense.
- What're youse looking at me for?
- I don't know nothing.
I'll vouch for that, Lieutenant.
Thank you.
Yeah, this is the fourth mugging
in this area this month.
Yeah, I know. Uh,
we figure it's the same guy,
it's the identical M.O.
Hey, Arch, you know,
you merchants
could help each other,
kinda keep an eye out,
report anything suspicious.
Why don't you join
the Neighborhood Watch?
- That's a terrific idea!
- He'll never do that.
- I'll never do that.
- See?
Why?
I ain't got no time to waste,
watchin' out
for these characters
like Ganzoni,
that dago down at the market.
And the other guy,
that pervert, Mick McFeeney,
and his topless joint.
What a couple of dumbbells.
- They won't join either.
- Because they're smart.
Archie,
we've got to get involved
- to stop what's going on.
- No, no, no!
- You gotta stay out of it.
- Let me tell you something.
The first rule
of an American businessman
is mind your own damn business.
You know, that's the problem
with this country.
Everyone is only looking out
for themselves.
The problem
with this country is,
we ain't done that
since President Coolidge.
Listen...
let your motto be my motto...
"Live and let's live."
At the same time,
I'm always willing
to bend over backwards
to, uh... turn the other cheek.
That's not a pretty picture.
But I've seen him do it.
Jose... we got to tell him.
Raoul, you know
what could happen to us.
But that was fourth mugging,
all with identical M.O.
- What is M.O.?
- It's a police word.
- What is it?
- Mo! What else could it be?
You're right.
I tell you what.
If he comes right in here,
and he walks right up to us
and asks us face to face,
"Did we see anything?"
We tell him the truth.
Hey, fellas?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Did you see anything?
- No.
- No.
They're ignorant. All they know
is sweeping and mopping.
Yeah, and, uh, you know,
spreading the roach powder
and putting the blue stuff
in the toilet.
A... and taking out the garbage.
Hey.
Then you could've been
in the alley
- about the time it happened.
- Uh, well, uh,
actually, last night we...
We didn't take the garbage out.
- What did you do?
- Stash it in here overnight?
No, no. I mean,
we... we took it out,
but, uh, well, last night
we... we took it out the front.
The front? How unclassy!
And what did you do?
Leave it there by my entrance?
No, there, under your name.
And you didn't see anyone
out there, huh?
- No.
- No.
Well, thanks anyway.
I told you.
Everybody in here is ignorant.
- Hey, morning, Arch.
- How's it going?
I wish I could say
it was going good,
but it's going lousy.
I went over to Ganzoni's Market
to pick up our regular
vegetable order, there,
you know, the cabbages,
carrots, koozini's,
not to mention the lettuce,
and the joint is closed.
At nine-thirty in the morning.
Great. What are we gonna do?
Not we, Harry, you.
You are gonna
get into the pickup truck
and you're gonna go
over to Ferguson's Market.
Arch, I'm a bartender.
And you like being a bartender,
don't you?
- I'll get my truck.
- Yeah.
Hey. Come on, man.
You can't keep going on
like this. Snap out of it.
But I still feel bad
we no say nothing.
Hey, there ain't been
no more muggings, has there?
And it's been three days, right?
Anyway it was dark. I mean,
what could we say
about that guy?
Not much. Only he was a gringo,
brown hair, a mustache.
Short like you.
Yeah, and don't forget
the scar over here.
Yeah, I mean,
what could the cops do
with that?
- Hi, Archie.
- Hiya, there, honey.
Hey, hey, come on, fellas, huh?
Shouldn't youse be working here?
I mean,
shouldn't you be startin'
- the salad?
- Hey, boss,
how can we make the salad
when we ain't got the greens?
Gee, no greens.
Well, listen, start
with the salad dressing, huh?
So when we get the greens,
we'll dump 'em on there.
They can't make the salad.
It's all the fault
of the Duke of Sicily,
Alfonso Ganzoni.
- Didn't you hear?
- What?
About Mr. Ganzoni.
He's in the hospital,
in critical condition.
He must have squealed
on somebody.
Archie,
he was on his way
to the bank after work,
and he got mugged
by that same guy.
- Oh, he got mugged.
- Poor Mr. Ganzoni.
Oh, gee, my poor friend.
Did youse hear that, fellas,
huh?
Mr. Ganzoni,
he got mugged last night.
He's in the hospital.
The same guy done it, there.
Poor, sweet Mr. Ganzoni.
That's why
we ain't got no salads.
Well, hey, better him
than the butcher, huh?
No, no. Uh, make that,
"And furthermore."
Uh, "The party of the first part
demands that the party
of the second part
be party
to all future discussions
involving both, uh... parties."
- That doesn't sound right.
- God, I hate this stuff.
- I'm not surprised.
- You're not very good at it.
Does your job require yo
to be so candid, Marsha?
- Uncle Abe said you needed help.
- Thank you.
Yeah, Lillian.
Mr. Rabinowitz,
there are two gentlemen
here to see you.
I don't have any appointments.
It's a matter of death and life!
Raoul? Is that you?
- Mr. Rabinowitz?
- Is that you?
Jose? Is that you?
Why don't I show them in
- so we can clear this thing up?
- Yeah, good.
Do you want me to stay
and take notes?
Maybe you better.
Boy, it would have been great
if they taught Spanish
in Hebrew School.
And then you could've sung
"Bésame Mucho"
- at your Bar Mitzvah.
- It's cute, Marsha.
- Hola.
- Come on in guys.
Um, Jose, Raoul. You could
just grab that chair over there.
Oh, this is my cousin, Marsha.
- This is Jose.
- Nice meeting you.
- And Raoul.
- How are you doing it?
Like everybody else.
Ah, so, guys,
how can I help you?
We need advice.
Uh, Raoul,
let me do the talking.
What Raoul means is, uh,
a friend of ours needs advice.
Two friends. But... but not us.
These two friends of ours
they're ill*gal aliens.
- Like us, but not us.
- Uh...
And, uh, they witnessed a crime.
You know that ski mask bandit?
- Well, Our friends...
- Not us.
They seen him,
and without his mask.
And they want to go
to the police
but they're afraid
to get in trouble.
- And they don't want no trouble.
- And neither do us.
You guys can identify
the ski mask bandit?
Raoul!
Sorry, Jose.
He made me spill the frijoles.
You know, there's no law
that says you have to testify.
I mean, no one would ever know.
You could just turn your back
on the whole matter.
- No!
- No!
I'm glad to hear you said that.-
No. No!
You're getting this down? -
That's very amusing.
You want me to toss you
a hat and cane?
Look, Marsha, do me a favor,
call the D.A.'s office.
Now, tell him I'm bringing in
two clients tomorrow
to identify that mugger.
But don't tell them
anything else.
What about us being ill*gal?
Just don't volunteer
any information.
Your background
might never come up.
But what if it does?
Oy vey.
What does that mean?
Deportation.
You got to protect us
from "oy vey."
I'll try.
Thanks for the bag, Harry.
Any time, Jose.
But you ain't gonna need it.
Harry's right.
I bet we'll all be laughing
about this
as soon as you get back.
Yeah. In about 20 years.
- Hey, Raoul! Come on!
- We gotta get going.
Mr. Rabinowitz
is waiting for us.
Okay, I take this?
You ain't gonna need that.
Ah, but you've
never been to El Salvador.
We gotta get going.
Aw. Okay. I am so proud
of you guys. Come here.
Oh.
Hey, hey, hey!
What is goin' on here? I mean...
What's this?
Youse two guys leavin' early?
- Yeah. We got to do it, boss.
- God help us.
Now, come on don't be bringing
Gawd into this.
I told the two of youse,
youse can have
two religious holidays off.
Christmas and Halloween.
Don't give me the look.
The pollocks only get Halloween.
It ain't a holiday, Arch.
They're giving a statement
to the police.
They're going to identify
the mugger.
Youse two guys seen that mugger
in the alley here?
Yeah, we did.
And youse withheld
that information
- from the police?
- Yeah, we did.
Boys...
I'm proud of you.
Youse ain't as dumb as you look.
Now, don't go down there
spoiling everything.
Archie,
they wanna tell the truth!
What are you talking about,
the truth?
The truth don't work
for the foreign born.
- Now, who put them up to this.
- You?
They're doing
a very brave thing!
- They could get deported!
- I know they could get deported
and that would be
a very selfish thing
of them two,
to let themselves get deported.
With all I done for them here.
And all the work
that has to be done around here.
Look at it all,
it gives me a headache.
For instance, the blue stuff
in the terlets.
Archie, right now the terlets
ain't the most important thing!
I know the most important thing
is the roaches!
But the terlet
is still a very big item!
Ey, maybe we won't get deported.
I mean, maybe they'll think
we're from this country.
If they believe
you're from this country,
they'll believe
I'm Menachem Bagel.
Leave them alone, Archie,
go on, boys,
you're doing the right thing.
Don't be shoving them
out the door!
She's shushing them
out the door!
They're headed for the door!
And there they go! They're gone!
What is the matter with you?
You're trying to ruin me,
ruin my business?
Do you know how long
it will take me
to train a couple
of new illegals?
And you should be trying to help
this situation.
They're doing the right thing.
Ah, You and the right thing
get away from me!
Do you hear her going on here?
- They ain't gonna get deported.
- But supposin' they do?
Then who's gonna
make the lunch today
- and the dinner tonight?
- And all the meals tomorrow?
And thousands of meals
down into the future years!
I think I gotta go down there
with 'em. That's all.
And try to salvage
the situation.
I gotta go in there and...
And speak up for them.
What's he gonna do?
He's gonna get 'em deported.
According to our reports,
Counselor,
Mr. Perez and Mr. Rosario
at first denied
any knowledge of the assailant.
The District Attorney's office
does not like witnesses
that change their stories.
Please, Mr. Baker, let me allay
your fears. I mean, my clients
are gonna make
wonderful witnesses.
They're pleasant, soft-spoken,
highly-credible people.
You're not gonna have
any problems.
Hiya, fellas.
- Except for one.
- Hiya, Jimmy boy.
And congratulations.
I see you caught your mugger.
Another colored guy, huh?
Bunker. Meet the Deputy D.A.
Oh, well, it... it... it's kind
of a natural mistake.
I mean, it's just that you, uh,
look a little dangerous.
I am.
- Who is this guy?
- Uh, this is Archie Bunker, Sir.
- Oh, right.
- And I'm sure you'd agree
that he has absolutely
no business whatsoever
- even being here.
- Archie Bunker
of Archie Bunker's Place?
That's right,
Mr. District Attorney.
Um, uh, my place
is right by the alley
which is the scene of the crime,
and that's why I come here.
I brung you a couple
of materialistic witnesses
- out here. Uh, Joe and Ralph!
- Joe and Ralph.
Joe and Ralph, come on in here.
Uh, the D.A. is the colored guy.
Don't say nothing offensive.
Oh, uh...
Here they are, Mr. D.A.,
They're Joe and Ralph.
Uh, two of the finest
American guys
you'd ever want to find
in the city of New York.
And I'll tell you
how good they are,
they come with me all the time
to ballgames, you know,
at Shea Stadium,
and, you know,
before the game begins,
when they're playing
the National Anthem there,
there's always a couple of guys
that sing a little too long
at the end there.
"The home of the frees
and the land of the braves."
Joe and Ralph.
Do you mind, Mr. Bunker?
I'd like to hear their story.
That's what I'm telling you,
Mr. D.A., their story.
Uh, Bunker, why not let Joe
and Ralph speak for themselves?
Yeah, yeah, they can
speak for themselves.
- Sure, go ahead.
- Don't talk too much.
Now, according to your attorney,
you got a good look
at the assailant.
Uh, he means, yeah, he see.
- Saw.
- Saw.
Whatever.
All right. I want you two men
to take a good look
at these photographs.
The victims gave us
what information they could, uh,
estimated height,
approximate weight, eye color,
nature of crime,
type of disguise.
- The computer did the rest.
- Now, it's very possible
the man we are looking for
is among these here.
- Hey, that's him! The top guy!
- I never forget a face.
Are you sure? You don't wanna
look at the others?
- There was no others.
- He was alone.
Lieutenant, get my office
to draw up the arrest warrant.
I wanna move fast on this.
- Yes, Sir.
- Okay. Well, we're all finished.
Glad to help. Come on, fellas,
let's go back to work.
Uh, Bunker,
why don't you run on ahead?
And we'll finish up
the statements without you.
Oh, I'm not letting go
of these guys.
I'm gonna stay here
with my colleagues.
Now, gentlemen,
you are presently employed
- by Archie Bunker's Place.
- Is that correct?
- Yes, Sir, that's right.
- Archie Bunker's Place.
- That's my place.
- The famous restaurant
over in Astoria there. Hey,
we do one hell of a business.
That's why we gotta have
two chefs over there.
See, this is the head chef
and this is the chef
that works underneath him.
I know they don't sound, uh,
like they're from here,
but they are. They're...
They're... they're from far away
but inside the country.
- It... it's the south.
- Uh, Minnesota.
- Minnesota?
- Yes. See, a lot of them
Latin types, they cross over
into the deep south
because, uh, they're immune
to the mosquitoes.
Okay, that's it.
What the hell's going on here?
You told me
they were credible witnesses!
- M... Mr. Baker, I can explain.
- No. No. Let me explain.
We ain't from Minnesota,
Mr. Baker.
I mean, Raoul and I, we...
We don't belong in this country.
We are ill*gal aliens.
No kidding.
Mr. District Attorney,
I want to tell you
that I'm shocked
to hear this.
I never dreamed
that these two guys
were gonna walk in here
and say a thing like this.
Did you two southerners realize
that when you came forward
you could get deported?
Yes, Sir, they did.
And still you came forward.
We must.
It was the only right thing
to do.
Amazing.
Amazing!
I must say...
I'm impressed.
Yeah, Mr. D.A., you're impressed
with this here?
We can't even get citizens
to come forward
and testify these days.
- Oh, that is very true.
- I mean, ain't it pathetic
the number of people nowadays
that try to duck their duty?
Yeah, And a few
of them whites, too.
Mr. Baker, as material witnesses
in a pending case,
they wouldn't have to be
deported immediately,
would they?
Deported?
Maybe not.
Do you think
you could do something
- to help them?
- I can't guarantee it now,
but I'm gonna do everything
in my power to see
that they gain residency status.
- Oh, that's great.
- Oh!
- Thank you! Mr. Baker Thank you!
- Hey!
Hallelulu!
Oh!
Let me congratulate you
on a fine way
- you handled this case.
- Hmm.
And you know something else,
boys,
- I'm proud of you, after all.
- I mean, I really am.
And to show my appreciation,
I'm gonna give you both
a little raise.
Twenty-five cents an hour.
- Wow!
- Thanks, boss.
That's 2.50 an hour!
Never divulge your gross income
inside of an official building.
You're paying these two men
2.50 an hour?
Yes. And they're worth
every penny of it.
Worth a few pennies
more than that.
The minimum wage is 3.35
an hour.
Uh, I thought that, uh,
Reagan k*lled that.
Bunker,
failure to pay minimum wage
is a misdemeanor.
I know that, Rabinowitz.
Up to 500 dollars in fines,
Mr. Bunker.
- Oh, yeah, I know. Yeah.
- Mm-hmm. And back wages.
- Wow!
- And interest.
- Wow! What's interest?
- More money.
Of course you could avoid
the charges and the fine...
And the interest.
Thank you. Just by paying
the 3.35.
All right, all right, all right!
Why do people
always do this to me, huh?
Rush up and tell me
the right thing to do...
just before I do it.
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