04x08 - Archie Gets a Head

[bunniefuu]

Chuck's Meats,
842 dollars and 21 cents.

And Interboro Towel Services,
is 87 dollars.

So that gives us here...

Jeez,
I hate this rotten machine.

- Is something wrong, Archie?
- Ah, no, nothing at all,

except this here Jap calculator,

tells me that my bills
for last week

was 1,837,000 dollars
and 12 cents.

That's Reaganomics for you.

Hey, please, don't be smart,
huh. Don't be smart.

The president's
tinkle down theory

needs a little time
to tinkle down over the nation.

I'm talking about
this here machine.

Sometimes I think
it makes mistakes on purpose.

The machine makes mistakes?

- Yes! Yes! Yes!
- I'm willing to believe

it's another sneaky
Jap attack on America.

Then why use it?
Add the figures in your head.

How am I gonna add in my head,

when I only got
ten fingers on my hand?

Yeah.

Well, ah...

can I ask you
an important question?

Make it fast, huh?
Can't you see I'm busy here?

Can I have a raise?

No. Goodbye.

Hello. I've been working here
over a year.

Don't I deserve something
for it?

Come on, Billie,
look at me struggling here.

How much of a raise do you want?

Ten dollars a week.

Oh, Billie, that is so unfair.

Well, I want to take
some more classes

at night school next semester.

Oh, next semester?

Well all right,
let's wait until then.

And then we can argue about it.

But you'll say "no" then.

Yeah, but look
at the bright side,

you'll have all that time
to hope.

Now please, huh?

You see I'm up to my eyebrows
in work here!

And where the hell
is Rabinowitz?

I ain't seen hide or hair
of him for a week!

That's because Gary's
not just a bookkeeper,

he's an important lawyer.

Get out of here!

If he was important,
they wouldn't let him work

for me.

- I'm cracking up, Marsha.
- I can't take it.

You get through everything.

Just pretend it's like
your finals week at law school.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Was that the summer
of your nervous breakdown?

Marsha, I'd prefer to think
of that time

as a period of adjustment.

Find that, will you?

Yes, Lillian?

It's Archie Bunker, again.

Matter of life and death.

Take a message, Lillian.

Please, don't make me
do that. I hate talking to him.

Burdens must be shared, Lillian.

Marsha, I'll never finish
all this by Friday.

Hey, kid.

Barry, I've asked you
not to call me kid.

It beats wimp.

Have you got
the Fullerton research memos

- for me?
- When have I had the time?

You've given me
all this other work.

You are such a mess!

If you followed my example,

you would be
a lot more organized.

No, if I followed your example,
I'd be divorced, with herpes.

I shouldn't be hearing this.

I'm going to have to do
the research

on the Fullerton case myself,

and Marsha is gonna work
for me this week.

Oh no, no, no, no.
You're not gonna take Marsha,

Marsha belongs to me.

Marsha is the best researcher
in the firm.

- I want her.
- Well you can't have her.

Wait a minute,
you're not talking about

a piece of meat, here.

This is a human being.

- Marsha, don't get carried away.
- Funny.

I think that I should have a say
in who I work for.

After all, I am your cousin.

Marsha, everyone here
is our cousin,

including the parking attendant,
and he doesn't complain.

You! Find yourself
a temporary secretary.

There must be
a lot of desperate women

out there, nowadays.

Marsha, come! -

- I'll get it.
- For old times' sake.

Yes, Lillian.

- It's Bunker again.
- You've got to do something.

He's threatening
to come down here,

and he says he's not bluffing.

- Don't worry.
- That means he's bluffing.

Why? Why is this happening
to me? Why?

- You wanted Bunker as a client.
- Suffer!

Marsha!

Hello.

What are you doing
sitting on your butt

over in your office...

Bunker, how pleasant
to hear your voice.

- Pardon me, I have to leave.
- What's the problem, Bunker?

The problem is all this
addition here, help me.

For this I went to law school.

Come on, will you,
Rabinowitz, get at it.

All right, I'll get...

Bunker, what happened
to this calculator?

The calculator...

fell.

It fell?

Are you kidding?

This thing looks like
it was attacked with a hammer.

It fell on a hammer, twice.

I thought that a cup of coffee
might help perk you up.

He don't need no perking up.

Jeez, when he's around you
what he needs

is a little hosing down.

Now come on, let the man
do his work, will ya,

and you do yours.

And no fooling around in here.
While I'm way over by the bar.

Lady, don't waste no paper,
in there.

What happened to the calculator?

It's Archie's retaliation
for Pearl Harbor.

Oy...

I've heard that "oy" before.

Did your Uncle Abe call you
a schlemiel today?

Today?

No. No, I'm just drowning
in paperwork, you know.

Everyone at the office has been
given an important case

except me,
and I get all the piddley ones.

Like the Schwartzkopf divorce.

This woman
goes into a male strip show

and finds out her husband,
a small businessman is the star.

Really, for six months
Schwartzkopf the Furrier

has been moonlighting
as "Zampano the Barbarian."

Can we get tickets?

We don't want tickets.

And then, this morning
my brother Barry walks in

and takes Marsha away from me.

Now I need to find
a temporary secretary.

- A temporary secretary, huh?
- Yeah.

Look no further.

Billie. No, no, honey.

Come on, I know
what you're thinking.

No, you couldn't be
a legal secretary.

Why not?

Well, it requires
a lot of typing.

- Well, I type 70 words a minute.
- Yeah?

Yeah, but, you know,
there's a lot more

to it than that. I mean,
there's also shorthand.

Straight A's
through high school.

Really?

Hey, but, you know,
the legal profession

- is a very complicated business.
- I mean,

there's terms and words and...

Hey, sometimes
even I don't understand it.

Are you saying
that I'm not smart enough

to handle the job?

No, no, honey, I'm not saying
anything like that.

You're the one who's always
encouraging me to better myself.

Now a chance comes along
and you won't let me take it!

Oh, sweetheart,

let's face it, you work here.

Well, only because Archie says
if I don't,

he'll be on a table
with tubes up his nose.

Well, then how could you
possibly work for me?

Well, I don't have
to quit my job here.

I can have Archie
put me on the nightshift,

then I can work for both of you.

No, you can't.

Billie, I ain't gonna have

my carefully planned
schedules here snafued by you.

You heard him, I'm sorry.

Wait a minute! I'm not going
to be a waitress

for the rest of my life.

I happen to be very interested
in the legal profession.

Now you wait a minute,

a secretary is the last thing
I'm gonna allow you to do.

I mean, working around
all of them

electronical typewriters
and copying machines

can be very, very bad
for a girl's,

forgive the expression,
her-mones.

I don't believe this.

You don't believe this?

I read this
in The National Enquirer.

- You don't believe that?
- What the hell

are you gonna believe?

They tell about the case
of a poor girl

who through no personal fault
of her own,

got herself in a family way.

Huh.

And then she got
the front of herself

up against one of them
duplicating machines.

The results of which
is this here.

That she had four
identical twintuplets.

Two one week and two the next.

Now case closed, Billie,
case closed.

Please, huh, case closed,
case closed!

Archie, either I work
the night shift or I'll quit.

Billie, you don't want
to do that.

Come on, she ain't gonna quit.

Oh, no? I quit.

- Billie...
- Oh, come on, come on.

Think about what you're doing.

You'd be leaving your
poor uncle there in the lurch.

Yeah, hey,
don't forget the tubes.

The tubes.

With me you'd make a few calls,
you type a few letters,

and after a week
you'll be out on the street.

Wandering...

lonely...

Yeah, not only that,
by the time you were ready

to come back there,

maybe I'd have
a replacement for you.

Well, I'll find another job.

Hey, hey. Jobs ain't gonna
tinkle down that fast.

- See you at home, Archie.
- Billie, Billie.

Now Billie, Billie,
wait a minute, wait a minute,

don't be running
out the door on me, there.

Now listen, I said no before
and I've changed my mind.

After all, you're going on
20 years of age

and I think you're entitled
to make this one decision.

So I'll let you work there.

Just don't face none
of them machines, you know.

You can work for one week
and one week only.

I was hoping that you'd see it
my way. Thank you.

I suppose this makes you happy?

Why wouldn't I be happy?

Okay, honey. Now let me tell you
all about the file cabinet.

Now in the top drawer..

- Mm-hmm.
- I keep all my incoming

- correspondence.
- Mm-hmm.

Now in this drawer over here,

I keep copies
of my outgoing correspondence.

- And Oh...
- What is this?

It's my blanket.

Why?

Uncle Abe keeps turning up
the air conditioning.

He sweats a lot.

Hey, kid...

- Ooh, a little cupcake.
- What are you doing here?

Hello, Harry.

Barry. Don't tell me
you're the kid's new secretary?

Well, life in the office
is going to be

a lot more interesting
from now on.

Barry, don't you have some widow
you can foreclose on?

Funny, kid.
Uncle Nate wants to see you.

You. Welcome to the firm,
cupcake.

We're gonna see
a lot of each other.

Thanks for the warning.

Look, honey, I gotta go
talk to Uncle Nate.

You wanna just go ahead
and start on that?

Oh, sure. Now don't worry
about anything.

Everything is going to be fine.

We'll have
a wonderful week together.

Well, I just wouldn't want
anything to go wrong between us.

Oh, now what could go wrong?

Nothing, if you keep doing that.

I am going to be
the perfect secretary.

- You'll love everything I do.
- That's great.

I can't look at that thing
all week.

Hi, there, cupcake.

Say, you've really fixed
this place up in two days.

If I didn't know better, I'd say
this is the office of an adult.

Don't you think
it's time you stopped putting

your brother down?

Don't you think it's time
that we went out

to lunch together?

I've made reservations
for two at Maison Fromage.

Sorry, I never eat
at restaurants whose names

I can't translate.

Excuse me.

Besides, Gary and I are going
to eat

at one of his favorite places.

- The Whistle Stop?
- Mm-hmm.

- You can't eat there, cupcake.
- The food is terrible.

Well, then why does Gary
eat there all the time?

Because they send
your sandwich around

to you
on a little electric train.

Sounds like fun.

The novelty wears off very soon,
when you see

your hamburger derailed
on a fast curve.

Excuse me? Back again, huh?

Didn't you used
to work around here?

I happen to be very busy, kid.

And I came in to tell you
that a Mr. Kruger is coming in,

in less than 10 minutes.

And you are going to talk
to him. And there is your memo.

Barry, I can't do this.

Now I'm already
over-loaded with cases.

You know
the Schwartzkopf divorce

is turning really nasty.

- That's a pushover.
- Well, you think so?

Now his wife is threatening
to drag

his leopard skin g-string
into court.

Handle it, handle it.

Handle it?

You know, sometimes,
you're absolutely beyond belief.

Find time to talk to Mr. Kruger.

Cancel your lunch
at Choo-Choo Heaven.

I'll be back.

Abuse like that is why
I slept with a night-light

till I was 20.

Forget about him. Let's move
on to the correspondence.

Okay. Honey, you know,
I really wish

you hadn't taken down
that painting.

- I hated it.
- I painted it.

Oh, uh, well, anyhow,
what do you think of your desk?

Oh, hey, the desk?

- The desk looks fantastic, honey.
- It's so neat and it's...

- Another new plant?
- Mm-hmm.

You know, honey,

these things take up
a lot of valuable oxygen.

- No, they don't.
- They supply oxygen.

And they make the room
much more cheerful.

Cheerful?

This looks like it hates Jews.

Trust me, you'll love them
once you get used to them.

I'll try.

Oh, is this the letter
I asked you to type for me?

Uh-huh, is it okay?

- Oh, yeah, it's a nice job.
- Look at...

Wait a minute...

what's this word, "jubilant"?

I never said
the word "jubilant."

I hate the word "jubilant."

Well, you wrote "happy."
That sounds so lame.

"Jubilant" is better,
believe me.

Uh, Billie, you cut out
the whole third paragraph

about the lessor and the lessee.

No, I didn't cut it,
I summarized it

there at the bottom.

The way you had it written,
nobody could've understood it.

Billie, nobody is supposed
to understand it,

except lawyers.

If everybody could understand
this stuff,

I'd be selling shoes.

Now, could you just retype
the letter

the way I dictated it.

Well, okay, if I can find it.

Hey, where there any calls?

Oh yes, a woman named Betty
called.

- Who's Betty?
- Oh, Betty Aaronson.

She's a client.

A client who called three times
in 20 minutes?

Well, she's probably anxious
about something.

- Oh, she is.
- She can't wait to find out

if you'll have dinner
with her tonight.

Billie, now come on,
honey, this is business.

I have to go out to dinner
with clients all the time.

Could you just get her
on the phone for me, please?

I can't, I have to retype
a letter, remember?

Uh, Billie.

Uh, honey, I'm afraid
that this arrangement

isn't really working out.

You're starting to bring
personal feelings into this.

- And...
- Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

- I won't do it again.
- Thank you.

Now, if you want to have dinner
with Betty Aaronson,

I'll get the little tr*mp
on the phone.

- Yes, Lillian.
- It's Mr. Kruger.

Oh, okay, thank you.

Hey, I'll tell you what,

why don't we just start over,
okay?

You could get your steno pad out
and make some notes for me, huh?

Okay, I'm sorry.

Aw, forget it.

If you want I can come back
when Happy Hour's over.

Hi, Mr. Kruger.

Won't you come in
and sit down, please?

This is Billie Bunker,
she's my secretary.

I'll bet.

Yeah!

Well, now how can I help you?

I see this is about
some apartment buildings.

Yeah, the tenants are making
unreasonable demands

and won't pay their rent.

- I want 'em evicted.
- Evicted, plain and simple!

Well, what are they demanding?

Better lighting, more security,
new plumbing.

I told 'em...

you want luxury,
live on Park Avenue.

I see. Mr. Kruger,
where are your buildings?

Right off the corner
of Nostrand Avenue near Kishnif.

I know that area.
Those are all slum buildings.

I resent that, young lady.

"Slum" is a word
invented by Communists.

My buildings are landmarks.

Are you kidding, half that block
is burned out.

Billie!

It's bad enough
you rent those apartments,

now you want to try and kick
those poor people

- out into the streets?
- Uh, see here, young lady...

- Billie, I really think...
- How can you work for a man

like this?

You ought to be defending
the people he's kicking out.

What is this? A law office
or the Red Cross?

Billie, I really think...
I think you should just...

The Rabinowitzes
will not represent

a slum-lord like you.

- Right?
- What?

Fine! There are plenty
other lawyers that will.

No, no! Mr. Kruger, really,
Ms. Bunker didn't know

what she was saying,
I think, she...

I can't believe
that you did that.

You wouldn't have represented
that guy?

I would have explained his case
at our Monday conference

with my recommendation
not to take it.

That's how we do things
around here!

What the hell did you just say
to Mr. Kruger?

- Nothing.
- Nothing?

He stormed out of here, cursing.

You know that man
could have represented

thousands of dollars
of business for the firm!

Look, Barry,
things may have been said,

- that got misconstrued...
- You blew it again, didn't you?

You're totally incompetent
as usual!

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
now stop yelling at Gary,

this was my fault.

Well that's very noble of you,
cupcake, but I'm not buying.

I don't think Uncle Abe
is going to like this.

Uh-uh-uh!

Don't worry, I'll explain
how it happened.

Billie, honey...

I would never want anything
like this to...

To come between us, you know?

Neither would I.

I love you very much.

You're sweet.

And you're fired.

- I'm fired?
- Mm-hmm.

You're firing me?

Look, to save our relationship.

What relationship?

Well I think it's wonderful,
you know.

You've finally seen Rabinowitz,
for what he really is,

he's a tyrant.

I never thought I'd say this,
Archie, but you're right.

So, when are you gonna dump him?

- He's dumped.
- Oh, good,

that makes me very happy.

Happy enough to give me
that raise?

No, that happy I ain't.

Well, well, as I live
and breathe,

if it ain't Prince Charmin'
himself.

Hello, Billie.

- Won't you even say hello?
- Hello.

Ah, Rabinowitz,
speaking for Barbara Lee,

she don't want no further parts
of you.

She's finally seen
your true colors.

Billie, I brought you
some roses.

You know what I suggest
you do with them flowers,

you plant them
where the moon don't shine.

- You plant them, Bunker.
- You've got a bigger garden.

Honey, now we have
to talk this over.

There's nothing to talk about.

I tried to help you,
and what did you do?

I fired you.

As if I were nobody.

Even if I did over-step
my bounds a little

with Mr. Kruger...

you didn't give me a chance
to learn.

You would've never treated
any other secretary that way.

- Well, you're right.
- Then why me?

Honey, you wouldn't have treated
any other employer

the way you treated me.

I mean look what you did!

You hid my painting,
re-did my office,

rewrote my letters.

And then after you left,

I discovered the worst thing
of all.

What?

You went
into the top right hand drawer

of my desk,
and ate my emergency Mallomars.

Would you do that
to any other boss?

Well, no.

I guess you're right.

I'm sorry.

Hey, I'm sorry, too.

You know, my Uncle Sol told me
ten years ago

this wouldn't work out.

He told you
about this ten years ago?

Well, you see, my uncle
had this expression,

What?

Well, roughly translated,

"If your sweetheart works
for you...

it's a suitcase
full of herring."

What is that supposed to mean?

Well, it means,
this is too much herring.

Come here.

Hey, boss,
guess what Billie's doing?

- I know what she's doin'.
- She's dumpin' Rabinowitz.

Boy, I never got dumped
like that.

Oh!