04x09 - Barney Gets Laid Off

[bunniefuu]

- God, that's great.
- When is it?

- Next week! Isn't that gnarly?
- What?

You know, gnarly. Far out.

Oh, sure. Uh, how are you
gonna tell Archie?

- I've got it all figured out.
- You're gonna help me.

But who's gonna help me?

Uh, hey, hey, hey. When I see
the two of youse

with your heads together,
I start to worry. What's up?

Uh, nothing. We were just
discussing that, uh,

new kitchen table in there.

- Uh-huh.
- Yeah, yeah. We're really

excited about it.

Yeah, well, I'm glad
you're excited.

I happen to be in pain.
It cost me an arm and a leg.

Okay, boys, bring out
the old table now.

Please don't hit the wall
and knock off none of the paint.

- I don't know, boss.
- I don't think this thing's gonna fit through the back door.

Don't worry, I measured
it with my own two eyes

- very accurately.
- My specs aren't...

Come on. We don't wanna disturb
the customers too much.

Uh, madam. Madam, we're
gonna have to move freely here.

Uh, you could shift, huh.

This way, guys. Just follow me,
just follow me.

Hey, hey! Hey, what's goin' on,
youse two?

Stephanie is going
to audition to get

into the High School
for Performing Arts.

Yeah! It's really gnarly!

- Huh?
- Uh, it's far out.

- Hmm?
- Swell, Harry.

- Ah! Oh.
- Hey, that's swell, Stephie.

Yeah.

- But don't tell Uncle Archie.
- I haven't told him yet.

Not a word. Not a word.

All right, bring the damn thing
back into the kitchen now.

If you knew it wasn't gonna go
through the door,

- why didn't you open your mouth?
- Duck your head.

Oh, thanks, boss.

Please, make it fast, huh, Jose.

Uh, listen, why don't you
put wheels on it?

Then we could move
it faster, huh.

Or maybe you'd like aluminum
wheels there, huh.

Maybe a plastic Jesus
hangin' over the leg.

- Hey, hiya, g*ng! Hi, Steph.
- Hey, Barn.

Draw me a tall cool one,
huh, Harry?

Hey, comin' up. Did you hear
the good news about Stephie?

- No.
- I'm gonna audition

for the High School for
Performing Arts in Manhattan!

- Hey, hey!
- That's the cat's pajamas.

- What?
- Gnarly.

- What?
- Forget it.

Uh, how're you doin'
there, Barney?

Hiya, Arch. I just heard
the good news.

- Barney!
- Good news? What's wrong?

Stephanie's try out.

Try out? Oh, jeez,
not Little League again.

No. This is the High School
for the Performing Arts.

It's a terrific school.

- God, I don't believe it.
- Where is it?

It's in the city.

It's on West 46th Street,
just off Times Square.

Times Square?

There's nothing wrong with it.
Kids go there from all over.

- It's run by the city.
- Run by the city!

So is the Tombs Hoosegow

and the nut farm
on Randalls Island.

You signed my application,
remember?

No, I don't remember
nothin', kid!

Sure you did!

Remember you were watching
The Fighting Seabees on TV.

John Wayne jumped
into a bulldozer

and he ran over
about 1,000 Japanese guys.

You were cheering,
"Squash them Nips, Duke."

And I handed you
the application to sign.

And you said, "All right,
gimme the damn thing."

Don't talk... don't... Hey, hey,
watch that language, there.

That's what you said.

Well, all right,
forget what I said.

God, the kid's got
a deadly memory over here.

- Whatever I said, it's out.
- The... No, no, you can't go.

Why not?

Because I don't want you to have
nothin' to do

with show business.

Don't be lookin'.
Come here, sit down. Sit down.

Now, let me tell you somethin'.

You always laughin' at me
for readin'

the National Enquirer,
but it tells the truth

about people
in show business, there.

And they're all the same.

They're all afflictuated
there with the booze,

and the drugs, there.

Divorce, broken hearts
and broken dreams.

It's the truth. Hey!

You'll never find accountants
or welders gettin' mixed up

in them scandals.

Plenty of performers
lead normal lives.

Ronald Reagan was an actor.

Yes, but he never
took that serious.

Yeah, I know. I saw some
of his movies.

There you are.

The man only went
into that profession

so's he could meet people
who could

open the door
to the White House.

You gotta let me audition!

That's what I wanna do.

Honey, that kind of stuff
ain't real school, there.

You gotta stay in real school.

And you're flunkin' math
and science.

I know 'cause I sign
your report cards.

- Her grades are passing.
- Oh, oh. Just barely.

That don't look good for me.

She's got so much talent.

It's a shame to let her
waste it.

No! No! Case closed!

Hey, come on, Steph,
don't be upset.

All the greats were
turned down at first.

Hey, hey, they even told
Burt Reynolds

- that he couldn't act.
- That must've been

before they seen him
drive a car.

There's no use givin' me
the sad eyes,

I said no and that's final.

Thanks for ruining
my whole life.

Aw, come on, now don't go
stompin' outta here!

And, of course, there she goes
stompin' outta here!

You're impossible.

Why must you always
be so negative?

Ah, negative, negative.

The negative. I hate that thing.
I'm not negative about nothin'.

Then why can't you reconsider?

Harry, no, absolutely no.
And about that, I am positive.

Don't be lookin' at me, Barney.

I'm the one that's gotta raise
that kid.

And let me tell you somethin',
I don't need advice

from nobody on how to do that.

I'm warnin' you, Barney!

This is only
gonna make him madder.

But it's the only way
to get this attention.

Take away all his distractions.

Now, let's see. TV guide...

and that newspaper, you got
the cigars, the channel changer.

Well, that should do it.

What's with the chain?

It ain't the Purple g*ng
out here, it's me.

You run upstairs
and I'll stall him.

- Hmm.
- Come on, will you open

the door for me, please?

Just a second.
I'm coming to open the door.

Here I am, opening the door now.

Jeez. It certainly
took you long enough.

Hi, Archie. Can I talk to you
for five minutes?

Oh, no, Billie. I know what you
wanna talk to me about!

I don't wanna hear nothin'
more about it. I'm very tired.

- Leave me alone, will ya!
- My feet hurt me!

All I wanna do is
sit down in my chair,

watch a little television,

read the paper, smoke a cigar

- Where the hell are the cigars?
- I guess you're out.

I left five of 'em here
this mornin'!

Who smoked 'em? You?

- Come on, where's my paper, huh?
- Where's my channel changer?

Right here, and I'll give it
to you

if you'll just give me
your undivided attention.

- Gimme that channel changer!
- Oh, five minutes, Archie.

- All right, Billie.
- I got my watch here.

Five minutes. Go.

All right, come on down, Steph.

Aw, jeez, what is this, huh?

I thought I'm gonna talk
to you here.

What are you gonna do...

Jeez.

- Well?
- What do you think?

Well, in the first place,
I'm very tired of that song.

And in the second place...

I gotta be perfectly
honest, kiddo.

You know, it just
wasn't that good.

What?

Listen, I always say,
never try out for nothin'

if there's the slightest
chance you're gonna fail.

You know?

I mean to say, if... if...
If I could tell you

that you was excellent,

then I'd say, "Well, go ahead,
take a shot."

Oh, now, please, honey,

don't go stompin' upstairs mad,
there. God!

How could you?

- How could you say that to her?
- I...

How could I say that to her!

I'm doin' it for her own good.

Now, where the hell
are my cigars?

Well, how do you know
she'll get hurt?

She just might make it!

- Uh, well, hey, hey.
- Well, don't be too sure.

There's a lot of kids in there
competin' for that stuff, there.

And some of them are
born naturally talented,

you know, like, for...
For instance, like the coloreds.

What?

They make the greatest singers
of all, don't they?

And why? Because they got
the lungs for it.

'Cause all their lives
they're buildin' up their wind

racin' through the city streets,

keepin' ahead
of the police cars.

Yes, that's true.

Hey, and not to mention
the Espaniolos, huh?

Hey, there's a talented bunch
of people.

You know, when ordinary infants
is playin' with rattles, there,

they... they're playin'
with the bongos.

Listen.

You and me gotta face
what we got here.

And all we got here...

is a nice sweet little
Jewish girl

who ought to be thinkin'
about growin' up nice

and gettin' married.

Barbra Streisand was a nice,
sweet little Jewish girl.

Barbra Streisand
was never Jewish.

How do you know that?

If she was Jewish,
she woulda got a nose job.

The things you say
are ridiculous,

outrageous and they stink.

Be that as it may, Billie,

my watch tells me
your five minutes is up.

Gimme back my channel changer.

No.

Now, this is not fair.

You've always said that
Stephanie had a beautiful voice.

For the glee club in school.

She's better than that,
and you know it.

Listen, I know... Shush!

I know she's better than that.

She's even excellent.

But I don't wanna tell her that.

She'd go down there
and maybe she'd get in,

and if she'd get in, you know
what would happen?

What?

She'll take the subway
to Times Square and be m*rder*d.

That's a horrible thing to say!

m*rder is a horrible thing.

And so is show biz.

I heard that.

- You said I was excellent.
- Oh, jeez...

You ain't supposed to be
listenin' to what I say!

And you said that if you
thought I was excellent,

I could go for a shot.

I will not be held irresponsible

for the things I say
in this house, irregardless!

There's no sense in you
sittin' there starin' at me.

'Cause you ain't gonna go
to that school.

And that is final!

- He's a really great doctor.
- He's a schizophrenic.

It comes in very handy
when you need a second opinion.

"Stella! Stella!

Don't ever leave me!

Don't ever leave me, Stella.

Sweetheart, baby, I need you!"

This whole thing is
like a teeny Ed Sullivan show!

- I think it's exciting!
- Well, I don't get on with it.

- Stephanie Mills.
- Take a seat, please.

- Yeah. Yeah...
- I'm all checked in.

Just have to wait
till they call me to audition.

I hope it ain't gonna
take too long, honey.

You know, I gotta get back
to work.

Just help me rehearse my lines
for the dramatic reading.

Oh, Stephanie,
I thought Billie done

all that with you
over and over again.

Well, all right, give it to me,
where do I...

- It's Romeo and Juliet.
- Oh, yeah. I almost finished it,

I think, when I was
in high school.

Why didn't you?

Uh, well, mercifully, the w*r
had come along, ya know.

And all mental activity stopped
for four years.

- Uh, where?
- Here, just start

from where
they first meet, right here.

Okay. "If I profane

with my unworthiest hand
this holy shrine..."

Is... is this a boy talkin' here?

- Yeah, Romeo.
- Oh.

"This holy shrine,
the gentle twine

is this my lips two blushing
pilgrims ready stand..."

Was this show ever a hit?

- Oh, don't look at me that way.
- How would I know?

"Two blushing pilgrims..."
There you are.

"To smooth that rough touch

with a whadyacall
a tender kiss..."

Where does it say "whadyacall"?

- Well, it don't say it there.
- I was just ab-libbin'.

You want to be an actress,

you gotta learn
about ad-libbin'.

"Good pilgrim, you do wrong..."

Honey, what're you doin'?

You nearly took the face
off of me with that.

- It's an original composition.
- What do you think?

We think it is too loud.

- I thought it was real good.
- Thanks.

Hey, when do you
go in to audition?

- I don't know.
- Maybe I better go check.

- Yeah, check, check. Please.
- I'll be back in a second.

- Yes.
- Excuse me.

Thank you.

Oh, you ain't gonna
toot that again, are ya?

Oh, God, this hurts.

- I'm not kidding.
- My parents don't like me.

When I was five,
my family moved.

It took me six months
to find them.

E.T. got home easier than I did.

- Jeez.
- So, uh, what's your name?

A. Bunker.

I didn't ask you what you were
built like,

I asked what your name was.-

Seriously, uh,
where're you from, Pop?

Huh?

- Too tough for you?
- Watch my lips.

Where are you from, Pop?

I think I hate you, child.

Uh, oi, uh...

Hi, I think I'll sit over here
with you adults.

- Do you have a child here, too?
- Yeah, a girl.

God help me. I wish it
was a boy. Maybe I'd be sittin'

in the middle
of a football stadium.

Not if he was as talented

as my boy, Michael.-

He's interested in dance.

Oh, a dancer. Ah, well, let me
tell you somethin'.

I'm a personal friend

of one of the greatest
dancers in the world,

Sammy Davis, Jr.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

And let me tell you somethin',
he's a very fine man.

I mean, a guy who's really down
to earth. You know?

Well, he has to be.

He's got 60 pounds
of gold around his neck.

- Yeah, he does, you know.
- That's right.

Well, I'll tell you somethin'
about Sammy.

He wears all of that stuff
with a real...

- What do you call tastefully.
- You know, huh?

'Cause Sammy ain't one
of them show biz weirdoes.

Like Tinker Bell there flyin'
by in the green pantyhose.

Oh, look at this.

This kid must be a t*rture
to his poor little old mammy.

I am his poor little old mammy.

I can tell by your face,
you feel bad.

But just remember this.

Our beloved president

is goin' through the same misery
as you.

Not quite.

He's never met you.

How do ya like that, huh?

Me sitting here tryin'
to be nice to her.

Jeez.

You know somethin',

the colored people's gettin'
very touchy nowadays.

No, no, it's not that.

It's just that some
stage parents

can be a little sensitive.

I mean, they're so proud
of their kids,

they get, uh, kind of biased.

Oh, yeah, well, of course,
this is true, yeah.

I guess it's understandable
when you have a talented child.

I know,
I'm proud of my Jennifer.

She's a wonderful singer, uh.

- Oh, a singer?
- Yeah!

Well, hey, listen,

when it comes to singers,
there's one kid here

who's heads and shoulders
above all the rest of 'em.

Really? Uh, which one?

See the cute little number
over there in the ponytail?

Oh, yeah.

She's the greatest kid singer
I ever heard in my life.

Really?

Absolutely.

And that there is
my unbiased opinion.

- It's my turn, Uncle Archie.
- Oh, good, good, honey.

- Go ahead, go ahead.
- Good luck, good luck.

Hurry up! Get in there.

Break a leg, Stephanie.

Oh, thanks.

What a terrible thing
to say to her, "Break a leg."

What is the matter with you,
horn player, there?

How would you like it if I said
to you, "Have a fat lip"?

Hey, clam up. Clam up, clam up!

All of youse clam up, will ya?

How am I gonna hear
what's goin' on inside the door?

What's the matter with you?

- I can't help it.
- I'm a little nervous.

I called the school,
and they said the letter

should be coming today.

Oh, is that what you're
worryin' about?

Can't you be like me?

Jeez, that's the furthest
thing out of my mind.

Here comes the mailman!

Oh, I'll get that!
I'll get that. I'll get that.

I'll get that.

- Oh, jeez, well, there you are.
- Give it to me.

God, what the hell
took you so long?

What is this stuff?

"Gagliani Brothers..."-

- "...- Adult Film Productions.
- Tijuana, Mexico."

Don't be lookin' at that!

Excuse me, but the plain wrapped
package, that's Mr. Hefner's.

I might have knew.
Barney Hefner's dirty stuff.

Here.

Let me tell you somethin'.

The one mistake our president
Ronnie Reagan made

was to fire Al Haig
and keep youse guys on.

Here it is!

Archie, you can't open her mail!

What are you talkin' about,
I can't open it?

I can open it, by law. The law.

The owner of a house can open...

any mail that comes
to that house.

That's the Nixon amendment.

Look it up.

Well, I think you're terrible,
invading her privacy,

butting into her personal
messages,

- and tell me what it says?
- Oh, jeez.

What?

Oh, jeez.

Ain't that awful?

And the kid was
the best one there.

The whole damn thing was a gyp!

Never mind that. Stephanie's
gonna be home any minute.

How are you gonna tell her?

I'll... I'll... I'll tell her,
I'll tell her.

You gotta be very careful
tellin' kids things

like this, you know.

You need... need to have a little

sort of tackiness, there.

That's what I was afraid of.

You sure you don't want me
to tell her?

- Oh, no, no, no.
- Leave it to me, eh.

I've got many years
of experience

tellin' people things
that make 'em feel rotten.

Hi. Did the mail come yet?

- No, darlin', no.
- There was no mail today.

Then what's that?

Oh, uh, that don't count as
mail. Junk, you know.

- Uh, people dunnin' for money.
- Ridiculous.

Imagine Teddy Kennedy
asking me for dough?

- Archie!
- Don't be jabbin' me

in the sacroiliac, there, hmm.

What's going on, you two?

Well, honey, uh, I got... I got...
I gotta tell you somethin'.

Come... come over here
and sit down, huh.

Just... just... just sit down
in the chair, huh?

That's a good girl.

I didn't make it, did I?

Well, before I begin, huh,
how would you like a Twinkie?

- I wasn't good enough, huh?
- Yes, you was good enough!

What do them jerks
over there know?

The whole thing was
the fix was in.

Archie! Uh...

Stephanie, they said
you were terrific,

but your grades
were just too low.

They require a higher average
in that school.

They require a higher
average in that school.

I don't think that's fair!

I mean, it was
my math and science
that pulled my average down.

I mean, what does
math and science
have to do with it anyway?

h*... h*... honey, don't be
knockin' math and science.

It's very important,
math and science.

There's hardly a day goes by

that I don't use
math and science myself,

one way or another, you know.

Oh, now... now... now,
listen to me.

Stephanie, don't feel bad.

But what you got to do now
is you gotta give up

this singin' career,
you know, please?

And be just a nice normal kid.

I want you to go on back
to school, there, you know.

And then, work hard
to get out of school.

You meet a fella, you grow up,
you get married,

be a housewife,
then you have kids.

Then you grow old together
and... and... and you die.

See? I mean...

that's... that's normal.

And then you never have to look
at yourself in the papers

and see yourself doin' nas...
Nas... nasties

with Eddie Fisher or something,
huh?

I don't wanna be normal.

Nobody does, honey.

But that there is the key
to a peaceful life.

What is that for?

- You know what I'm gonna do?
- No, what are you gonna do?

- I'm gonna go back to school...
- Yes.

And I'm gonna work
on my math and my science.

- Yes. Yes!
- And then I'm gonna
try out again next year!

- Yeah... No!
- -And I'll even take acting and ballet!

And I'll take
a musical instrument!

- Like the French horn.
- Uh... Oh, the hell...

Now, come on!
Don't you listen to anything

I'm tryin' to tell you
down here?

And look at that! Up the stairs!

My words is wasted,
I'm talkin' to the wall.

Nobody pays no attention
to me here!

Archie, I'm sure that Stephanie
thinks you're gnarly.

I'm what?

Gnarly. It means far out.

I don't wanna be far out!

But you are.