04x13 - Captain Video

[bunniefuu]

w, wait a minute,
you're taking me up wrong.

I didn't say you couldn't come
to visit for Christmas.

I just said I hate company.

- Well, all right.
- Well, then, come on.

Yeah, yeah, we got room,

- up in the attic.
- There's a cot up there.

It'll be fine.

- Remember Uncle Oscar?
- He slept up there.

In fact, he died up there.

Yeah, yeah, it's all right.

I... I think Edith's changed
the sheets.

Yeah. No... no!

No, I ain't gonna say
nothing to Billie,

it's supposed to be a surprise,
ain't it?

- Yeah, well, then I'll see ya.
- Goodbye.

Huh? Huh?

I said I ain't gonna breathe
a word to nobody!

Jeez!

My brother Fred
is coming for Christmas.

- Billie's gonna see her father?
- She'll hear you!

How? She's at work.

All right. Make a liar out of me
over details.

Aunt Edith told me that
he had three wives.

No, four.

Thank God your Aunt Edith
was gone

by the time he married Cindy.

Ah, that brother of mine...

he changes wives the way
I change my socks.

Did the mail come yet?

Yeah, can't you use your eyes?
It's right here under the paper.

Suppose it's a good thing
he's coming alone.

Otherwise I'd have to give them
my bed and sleep down here.

Just remember when he comes,
'tis the season to be jolly.

That's okay for you to say.

You been nicking me
for presents every day

for the past two or three weeks
for this here Chanooka.

It's Hanukkah,
and it's only eight days.

Yeah, but now it's Christmas
and I get nicked again.

Ah, here's a Christmas card

from an Eileen Baines
in Tenafly.

- Who's that?
- Oh, Tenafly?

God, that's another one
of Edith's relations

coming crawling out
of the Jersey swamps.

Oh, well,

we got any more of them
emergency cards?

You know the ones
you send to people

you never wanted to write
in the first place,

but now find you must?

- You don't have to send one back.
- They won't care.

Oh, they'll care, all right.

They'll all sit around and tell
each other what a piker I am.

Ah, here's one.

Yeah, here's a jerk that
signed his name in pencil.

So, all we gotta do, is erase
his name and we'll put ours.

I don't think that's gonna work.

Why not?

The card has their picture
on it.

What a no-class guy.

- Hey, ya, Harry. How's it going?
- Hey, Barney.

Hey, I appreciate
your letting me

- stay at your house...
- Ah!

But would you please
squeeze my toothpaste

from the bottom of the tube?
And by the way, use a hamper.

What are you bothering me
with those trivialities for?

Why don't you ask me
about my temporary job?

- You finally got a job!
- What is it?

It's over.

What was it?

Dressing the window
over at Putney's Clothier.

You know they paid me 20 bucks

to set up their inflatable
manger display.

And I passed out twice
blowing up the Wise Men's camel.

Pretty undignified work,
ain't it, Barn?

Yeah, But it's not as bad

as playing Santa Claus
up at Alexander's.

That's something
I would never do.

Hon... honey?

- Honey, where's the step?
- It's right in front of you.

You think you can
help me a little?

In the last three blocks

I've tripped over two curbs
and a poodle.

- Oh, come on.
- Stop being such a baby.

I helped you carry
your Hanukkah presents

- down to the office.
- Oh, big deal,

that was eight sets
of cufflinks and two broaches.

Okay, I owe you one.

Well...

if you'd really like
to pay me back,

you'd change your mind

and go on that skiing trip
with me.

I told you, it's family time.

I just couldn't leave Archie

and Stephanie alone
at Christmas.

Couldn't you change your mind

and come spend it with us?

- Christmas with Bunker?
- Mm-hmm.

A Rabinowitz is better off
alone in the snow.

Did Uncle Fred say
when he'd be here?

- Yes, some time tonight, honey.
- Jeez, what's the big deal?

It's a very big deal

when your father comes
to visit for Christmas.

Don't keep talking about it,
you'll blow the whole surprise.

What surprise?

Nothing, nothing, nothing,
honey. Jeez, leave me alone.

I'm trying to read
about the President.

Who're you looking for, Steph?

I was watching for snow.

Well, it ain't gonna snow
so get away from that winduh.

You know the President
is absolutely right here.

He cannot lay heavy taxes
on us private entrepreneurs.

'Cause if he does that,
we'll get sore,

we'll fire everybody.

That's only gonna make
the unemployment go up.

I don't know why
the American public

cannot grasp that.

Uh, Billie,
you'd better answer that.

Uh, Steph,
could you get that, please?

I can't.

- It's dark out.
- It's too dark there for her.

Boy, things are a little strange
around here tonight, huh?

- Oh, I don't know.
- I didn't notice nothing

- strange around here tonight.
- Who is it?

Good evening. Uh,

can I have a moment
of your time?

Oh, jeez, I know who that is.

Now, Billie, please

just let me handle this,
huh, darling?

- Yes?
- Uh, my name is Joshua,

and I'd like to ask you
one question.

Have you talked
to the Lord today?

Yeah, buddy, twice. Bye.

I hate the way
you answer the door!

I hate the way people keep
coming to that door, there.

Why should they come
around here at Christmas time

talking religion, huh?

People don't wanna
hear about religion.

People wanna be happy.

Well, you certainly
brightened his day.

Well, that's all right.

- I got a right to my privacy.
- You know what I mean?

You wanna look that up
in the Bible sometime,

you'll find
it's the first line there.

"A man's home is his castle."

And your drawbridge
is always up.

My what?

Nothing.-

- Oh! Don't anybody move.
- Let me get that.

Yeah, you get that.

Yeah?

Hi, Billie.

Dad! -

- What are you doing here?

Well, I came to spend
Christmas with you.

He come to spend
Christmas, there.

Billie, please, close the door.

The last of our heat
is hurtling out into the night.

Hey, Arch! Don't tell me
this is little Stephie.

Yeah, that's little Stephie.

- Hi, Stephie!
- Hi, Uncle Fred!

Hey, would you get that stuff
on the porch?

- A package.
- Oh, sure.

- Hey, Arch.
- Huh? Well, well, well.

Hey, I know you're supposed
to be my big brother,

but now this is taking it
a bit too far. Come on.

Uh, I happen to own a bar
and grill, you know.

- I'm supposed to look like this.
- What's your excuse?

- I have no character.
- Yeah, that's what I thought.

Uh, would you like
a little smile, huh?

- A little rye on the rocks.
- I'll join you.

- Sit down. Make yourself at home.
- Here, take Edith's chair.

- How you doing?
- Fine.

How's your mother?

Her mother's fine,

she just talked to her mother
on the phone the other day.

She's still in Phoenix.

Yeah, the mother
is still in Phoenix.

Where's Cindy?

Oh, ah... Uh, well...

- Cindy didn't come.
- Split up, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, a few months ago.

Jeez, another wife gone.

You're turning
into a regular Mickey Rooney.

You don't have
somebody else yet?

- No, no and I'm not looking.
- I, uh...

I've got some things
to straighten out.

Yeah, I think you better
straighten yourself out.

Here, good luck.

You should've seen your face,
Billie,

when you opened up that door.

I really surprised you, huh?

Yeah. I just wish you'd told me
you were coming.

Why would he tell you
he was coming?

Anybody told you he was coming,
would ruin the surprise.

There's no problem?

- No, there's no problem.
- Well, yes, there is.

You see, uh... I'm sorry
you came all this way but...

I'm not gonna be here
for Christmas.

- You're what?
- You're what?

Yeah, I made plans
with some friends to go skiing.

Wait a minute! Wait.

Wait a minute.
Let me get through her, huh?

Now, what friends?

Gary.

Skiing with Rabinowitz?

Well, I don't believe that
for one moment.

It's a well-known fact,
Jewish guys don't ski.

Could you change your plans?

Certainly,
she can change her plans!

No, I can't. You see, uh...

- Everything's all set.
- We have reservations.

- Please?
- Come on, Billie,

you ain't going no place.

- Excuse me.
- I have some calls to make.

Wait a minute. Don't...
Don't you leave here...

Billie, don't you go stamping up
that stairs.

And there she goes,
stamping up them stairs.

Now, you don't have to be
standing here,

listening to everything, do you?

Go in the kitchen,
get us some coffee.

Don't gimme the face.

- You don't have to make it.
- It's made.

All you gotta do is pour it.

Jeez, this is awful.

I think I got a better reception
at Anzio from the Krauts.

I... thought things
would improve with time, but...

we just can't seem to get past
her mother leaving.

Well, I think that's your fault.

Why don't you just sit
the kid down?

Tell her the truth
about her old lady?

- I can't do that, Arch.
- Why can't you do that?

It's the perfect time for it,
you know.

Christmas.

The season for broken dreams.

If I was you, I'd get at it.

She'd tell you the same thing
if she was here.

Ha

Have

have n

have not

have nothi

have nothing

have nothing t

have nothing to

have nothing to wo

have nothing to worr

have nothing to worry

have nothing to worry ab

have nothing to worry abou

have nothing to worry about.

See, first they teach you
to snowplow

and then, before you know it,

you'll be zooming down
the slopes.

Well, how long did it
take you to learn?

Eight years.

- Oh, I'm kidding.
- You'll do fine.

Say, Uncle Archie,
what do you think of this?

Oh, I hate that.

Great. That means your dad
will love it.

Uh, excuse me,
I have to get back to work.

Oh, honey,
I'm gonna stay for lunch.

- Hey, Rabinowitz.
- Hey, do me a favor.

My brother's been here
in town for two days,

she ain't spoke
ten words to him.

Can't you tell her to talk
to her father?

Look, Bunker, Billie can't be
talked into doing anything

- she doesn't wanna do.
- Believe me, I've tried.

Look, you'll probably
find this difficult to grasp,

but I'm only playing at Santa
because I'm an unfortunate man.

So, beat it, or I'll ignore
your chimney.

- Oh, get a load of Barney.
- h*, h*, h*, Barn.

Can it, Harry!

I got enough grief
just walking over here.

- Is my lunch ready?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, Barn.

I got a Santa's helper
special here.

That's a Blitzen burger
with lettuce, tomato, and holly,

and mistletoe on the side.

Ha-ha-ha. Very jocular, Jose.

Give it to me.
I'll serve it to Barney myself.

What're you staring at?

You object to Santa
getting a little c*ck?

Hey. Hey, Barney, don't talk
nasty to my customers here, ja?

If you can't say anything nice,
then don't say anything at all.

Don't be listening to me. Eat.

Arch,
this morning was a nightmare.

I don't think I'm cut out
for this people business.

Well, I told you that
when you got fired from shoes.

You know, I was kicked...

pinched, bitten
and worst of all,

every now and then
one of those kids

- would sit on my lap...
- Uh, Barney,

if this is a wee-wee story,
stop it.

- I'm sorry, Arch.
- I'm overwrought.

- Ah...
- I don't know how much

- more of this I can take.
- You're always...

- Are you almost done?
- I wanna talk to Santa.

- Oh, you do, huh? Hey, Santa.
- Here's a customer for you.

Get away from me, kid.

Don't pay no attention.

What a terrible thing to say
to a child.

All right, honey,
you just tell me

what you wanted to tell him.

I just wanted to tell him

that he was the worst-looking
Santa I ever saw.

- There you go, Barney.
- You can't fool a kid.

Oh, Uncle Archie.

Did you check the mail
before you left the house?

Yeah, it was just the usual pile
of holiday garbage there, honey.

- Wa... was there anything for me?
- Well, like from where?

Like from out of town.

Oh, no, honey,
there was nothing like that.

Now, excuse me, I'm busy.

Uh, Archie, is it okay
if I leave by about 3:30 today,

because Gary and I wanna get
on the road by 4:00.

Do you know this
is a very savage thing

you're doing? Going out of town.

Your poor father over
at the house, trying to cook

a Christmas dinner
for the family?

Well, you two will be there.

- It's mostly for you, Billie.
- You've got to be there.

But we've made plans
to meet people at the lodge.

We have to leave
by four o' clock,

- don't we, Gary?
- No, we don't.

Billie, I can change those plans
with one phone call.

Thanks a lot.

Honey, this dinner is important.
After all, it is your father!

Yes, listen to Rabinowitz.

But if we have to drive
at night,

then we'll miss all the scenery.

Why don't you just stop
all these phony excuses,

- Billie, and stay.
- It won't k*ll you!

- You're lucky!
- At least your father

cares enough to be here.

Some people
don't even get a lousy card.

- Well, see that? See that?
- Do you see the way

you're tearing
this Christmas apart?

Okay, I'll stay for dinner...

but I'll be done by 8:00.

And you can pick me up then.

Good.

Let me ask you something.

Do youse Jews really ski?

Only when we need to glide by
and check out our condominiums.

And, uh, then I add some, uh,
sliced water chestnuts.

That... that's what gives it
crunchiness.

- Aw, delicious.
- It's really good.

How'd you learn so much
about cooking?

Well,
mostly it was, uh, self-defense.

Yeah, cooking
was never a major requirement

for becoming one of Dad's wives.

Yeah, that's right,
all they needed

was a recently high school
diploma, huh, Fred?

Why are you pinching me?

Well, you know what they say.
Uh, everybody makes mistakes.

- I just seem to marry mine.
- Yeah.

No kidding.

In school they'd have these
parent-teacher conferences,

and every year I'd show up
with a different parent.

Aw, come on, Billie,
you're exaggerating a little.

Am I? Well, there was Janis
and Katherine before Cindy.

Oh, and of course Amy.

Wait a minute. Amy?

I don't remember him marrying
no Amy.

Oh, no, they weren't married.

Uh, Amy just stayed with us
for a couple of years.

Come on.
I don't wanna hear any of this.

Let's talk about something
more pleasant.

- Yeah, please! Huh?
- Something more pleasant.

The glazed carrots
are really good.

Thank you.

Yeah, the glazed carrots.

I mean, can't somebody
say something g*y?

I don't mean that. I mean
just say something funny, huh?

I know something funny.

Billie, you remember
when you were six?

She spent hours
sitting on the stairs, waiting

to take a picture of Santa.

Kept her mother and I up until
3:00. You remember that, huh?

- Well, that's funny.
- That's funny. Yes.

- Yeah, I remember.
- And I was seven.

Hey, how could you
remember back that far?

Because it was the last
Christmas we spent together

- as a family.
- Billie...

Before you started playing
musical wives.

Oh, jeez, this suddenly stopped
being funny.

Um...

Um, maybe I'll... I'll go fix
the sauce for the plum pudding.

God, you was a little
rough on him, wasn't you?

Not as rough as he was on Mom.

Oh, well, I mean, come on,
now, be fair, you know?

It takes two sides
to every tango.

What are you talking about?

Well, you know, I mean,
I don't wanna talk about

personal, private things,
you know...

still in all...

she left him.

You shouldn't be listening
to none of this!

But she was right to!

What woman wouldn't walk out
on a man who had girlfriends?

Oh-h*-h*!

And what about a woman
with boyfriends?

Huh? The car dealer?

Or what else would you call that

Toyota-Shitshubishi dealer
down in Phoenix?

What else
was she supposed to do?

Well, don't ask me. You know,
I ain't Dear Abby. Huh?

But ain't it kind of funny
that when she took off,

she didn't take you with her?

You know, most women,
gee, wild horses

would take to drag them away
from a child.

Of course, you do run across
the odd one who, uh...

don't wanna be with the child.

Why are you listening to this?

None of this should be said
in front of you.

Well, you know, they put a man
on the moon, you'd...

think they'd come up
with a diet sauce for this

plum pudding, huh?

- Did you wanna have a kid?
- What?

Oh, of course I did.

Hey, look... look, don't judge me
by the kind of father I've been.

I...

I wanted you.

What about Mom?

Did she want me?

Honey, she had you, she...

She was your mother.

Then why did she leave?

Well, you know,
I... I'll tell you the truth.

We were very young
when we got married and, um...

your mother felt caught.

She... she wanted something
for herself and...

That's why she left you.

But why did she leave me?

Well, you see, your...
Your mother was what we called

in the old days
a free spirit, you see?

Ha!

She always said I was too dull.

I think she was right.

So, I spent the last 12 years
trying to prove her wrong.

She never wanted me.

She didn't want me before I came

and she didn't want me
when I got here.

She left me.

And you never told me the truth.

How could I tell you that...

anybody didn't want you?

I can't take this.
I'm gonna go listen at the door.

Wait a minute. Wait a...
Come back here!

- What are you talking about?
- Listen at the door?

Where do you learn
a low-down trick like that?

From you.

Oh, hey, he...
Hey! Look at this here.

Two smiles coming out
of the kitchen. Ain't that nice?

Oh, gee, look at
the beautiful Christmas pudding.

Come on, everybody.
Let's sit down and eat this.

We gotta hurry up
'cause Rabinowitz

is coming to collect you
at eight o' clock, huh?

Well. I might think maybe
she might stick around.

- I'm gonna stay.
- Oh, hey, that's awful nice.

- Good, good. Come on, sit down.
- Come on, huh?

- Okay, I have to call Gary.
- Yeah, go ahead. Call Gary, huh.

All right, now we can
have a little peace on earth.

Who the hell is bothering me
Christmas Eve?

- I'll get it.
- No, I'll get it. I'll get it.

It's probably that group
from the church,

collecting for Christmas turkeys
for the poor.

I'll just tell 'em
the poor already ate.

Uh,
telegram for Stephanie Mills.

- That's me!
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Telegram for you, hey!
- Here you go.

- Sign here.
- Look at this!

Stephanie got a telegram
over here. Ain't this nice?

That's terrific!

You're in luck.

I got a Ben Franklin
quarter here.

- Thanks, Merry Christmas!
- Likewise.

What is it, Steph?

"Dear Stephanie...

I wanted to take
this special way

to wish a special daughter
happy holidays.

Love, your father, Floyd Mills."

- Ah, ain't that nice, huh?
- That's wonderful.

This is just exactly what
she's been waiting for, huh?

Terrific.

- Thanks, Uncle Archie.
- Thanks? For what?

For this.

- Oh, I didn't send that.
- Your father sent that.

My father wouldn't
have spelled Floyd, P-H-L-O-Y-D.

- Oh, well.
- This Western Union.

He... he should have spelt that
out to them, you know?

- Why didn't you?
- I did!

- Oh, never mind.
- Just sit down, huh?

Merry Christmas everybody.
Thanks be to God. Let's eat!