04x14 - The Promotion

[bunniefuu]

- There you are, sir.
- Enjoy yourself there.

Oh, oh, nix, nix.
Bruce, Bruce, let me tell ya

- how to do it, huh?
- One more time.

Knifey.

Knifey goes here in slotey
one-ey.

Forkey.

Forkey go here, huh?

In slotey two-ey, you savvy?

- Huh?
- Yeah, yeah.

But where do the soup spoons go?

You mean soupey spooney,
Bruce, huh?

Soupey spooney go there,
in slotey four.

There. Now, you throw 'em in.

What the hell's the use
in talking, huh?

He don't understand anything
even though I try to tell him

in his own language.

And that's very strange,

because you know,
the Chinese people,

they know a lot
about silverware.

That's the way
they name their kids.

How do you figure that?

Oh, you never heard that?

That's what they do,
ya know, for luck.

Whenever a little ch*nk kid
is born.

They... they grab a handful
of silverware,

they drop it on the floor,

and then, they name the kid
according to the sound.

You know, ping, pang,
ding, dong.

Arch, you never cease
to amaze me.

Thank you, Harry.

- Well, my station's all set.
- So I'll see you later.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Why are you running away now?

The dinner rush
is just about to hit us.

I'm going to my philosophy class
on Tuesdays

- and Thursdays, remember?
- Oh, philosophy.

Why are you wasting your time
on that?

What good is that going
to do you?

It teaches you different ways
to think.

Ways to think...
That is so ridiculous.

Nobody ever taught me to think.

I know.

But try and think of this.

Philosophy is what moves people.

No, what moves people
is laxatives.

Philosophy
is what constipates people.

Don't be looking at me, pal,
drink your beer, there.

The point I'm trying to make
is you don't meet aggression

with aggression.

Isn't that like Christ said,
"Turn the other cheek"?

I think Christ
was on the right track.

But with NAFTING,
Non-Aggressive Force Training,

I've taken that a step further.

When confronted
by someone's angry energy,

you take that energy,
you re-channel it,

and you send it back
as positive energy.

- Yes, Miss Bunker?
- What if you live and work

with someone who displays
angry energy all the time?

That's when you'll see
how well NAFTING works.

After a week of sending back
positive energy,

you'll see
that individual's anger fade.

Try it.-

All right,
that's it for tonight.

Don't forget chapter seven
for Thursday,

and some of you
have not turned in your topics

for your term papers.

- Mr. Gifford.
- Hmm?

I enjoyed your topic selection,

but I don't think,
"The Films of Clint Eastwood"

quite fit in with the philosophy
of non-aggressive force.

How about Jerry Lewis?

Stay with Clint Eastwood.

Excuse me, professor.

I just wanted to tell you
how much I'm enjoying

- your class.
- And I loved your book.

Oh, you finished it already?

I'm halfway through it
a second time.

Do you know
what my favorite chapter is?

"Go With The Flow"?

How did you know?

That chapter encompasses
the basis

of my whole philosophy.

All my best students
usually enjoy that the most.

Thank you.
I'll take that as a compliment.

It was. But remember,

NAFTING isn't just a bunch
of words in a book.

It's a life's tool
to be used every day.

Believe me,
I can certainly use it.

Excuse me, please.
Excuse me, please. Thank you.

- Have you got a minute?
- A minute?

- Yeah.
- No.

Hey, waiter! What have you done
with my steak?

Your steak, huh?

Do you see it
on me anywhere's, baby?

Give me a break,
you see we're shorthanded.

Hey, you! I ordered
the light beer.

A light beer?
You don't look like a fruit.

I'm not. I just want half
the calories.

You want half the calories?

- Yeah.
- Well, I can give ya that.

There. That's half
the calories there.

- Excuse me please, gents.
- Coming through

- with the crockery here.
- Thank you very much.

- Hi.
- Oh, you at last!

- What a time to leave me alone.
- I'm rushed off of my feet.

And you taking advantage
of the fact

that through no fault of mine,
you're related to me.

I see your point
and it's well taken. I am late.

I am your relative,
and I'm sorry about that.

Huh?

I think that you
should just sit down

and let me take care
of everything.

What is all this
sweet talk here?

Is this some kind of trick?

Hey, I'm not waiting
around anymore.

The service here stinks!

Hey, go, buddy. Nobody's holding
a g*n to your head.

There's the door,
and as you pass through,

make sure it don't hit you
in the behind.

Excuse me, sir.

I respect your opinion
and your right to say that.

However, if you understood
the difficulties,

perhaps you'd give us
another chance.

If you care to stay,
I'd be happy to wait on you.

Well, I want a steak,
but I want it right now.

Well, right now,
it would have to be raw.

Okay, you can cook it a little.

Hey, hey. What kind
of an act is this?

What are you trying to do,
be a Doctor Joyce Smothers?

No, I'm just going
with the flow.

Oh.

Well, go over there
and bring another root beer

to the lady
with the home-made wig.

Excuse me, ma'am,
I'm sorry to keep you waiting.

Would you like
another root beer?

Yes.

And if possible, I'd like
to get it before nightfall.

Oh, I think I could manage that.

I love your hair.

Oh, well, thank you.

I got it at Gimbels.

Bunker, I've just come
from the bank.

- Oh, jeez.
- It took me an hour and a half

to straighten out your account.-

Look at that check.

- All right, I see the check.
- What the hell's the matter?

It's good, I made it out
to my refrigerator repairman.

- So what?
- Who writes a check

for 370 dollars and change?

I wrote it that way, wise guy,

'cause that's how much the man
told me it would cost.

- This is insane.
- What do ya mean, insane?

Listen, let me tell you.
If I had done anything insane,

- the bank would call.
- Oh, they call.

- They call me!
- And they call everyday!

- And I'm sick of it!
- Don't raise your voice

- to me, Rabinowitz!
- Excuse me, excuse me!

Gary, Archie.

Don't you realize
that you are now

at what my professor calls,
the "Moment of Sanity"?

Billie, this man has never been
at the "Moment of Sanity."

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

I'm talking about the moment
where you can either escalate

an argument or shake hands
and forgive.

Professor Wright says
that if all countries recognized

that moment,
all wars could be prevented.

- Nah!
- To your professor.

And all of that crapola.

Let me tell you
and your professor something.

- People love w*r.
- People need w*r.

A good w*r right now,

would put this economy
right back on its feet.

We ain't got nothing else
to look forward to!

Well, at least you see
what I mean, Gary.

No, Billie, I don't.

No matter what
your professor says,

sometimes in this world,
you have to fight.

Table four.

That's a lie.

What did you say?

That is lie number 17

from the chapter entitled,
"Common Macho Myths."

Oh! NAFTING again?

Look, would you stop throwing
that garbage at me?

It isn't garbage.

Why don't you come to class
with me tomorrow night

- and learn for yourself?
- Billie, it's a waste of time.

If you heard
Professor Wright speak,

you wouldn't say that.

Honey,

I don't want to go.

But it would mean so much to me.

To us.

You're a very important part
of my life.

And I want to share everything
with you.

This could really deepen
our relationship.

What time is class?

Aw, jeez! Pecking.

Listen, I've got enough
of pigeons over my head

without two over my office.

Go back to work, huh?

And you.

At least during business hours,

can't you tie a knot
in your glands?

If you read chapter seven,

"Smiling
To Better Mental Health,"

you'd know that it takes
twice as many muscles to frown,

as it does to smile.

So why ever frown?

As the song says,
"Let a smile be your umbrella."

And you get a lot of rain
in your face.

Shh!

Nothing disarms like a smile.

An example.

I was pulling
into the parking lot tonight.

And someone cut me off
and took my space.

What did I do?

I didn't curse at him.

I smiled and said,
"Have a nice evening."

In that moment,
I changed his life.

See, doesn't that
tell you something?

Mm-hmm. The man spends
a lot of time

looking for parking spaces.

A smile
is the universal language.

Oh, that's heavy.

Give the man a chance!

Honey, this whole philosophy

is based on the quotations
of Mary Poppins.

I sense a little hostility

from our friend sitting next
to Miss Bunker.

Would you care to share
your thoughts with the class?

Uh, no. No, I wouldn't.

- Oh, don't be shy.
- No, really,

I'm just here to observe,
thank you.

Well, I'm sure the class
would like to hear your opinion.

- I really don't feel like...
- Gary,

if you have something to say,
say it.

Please, whatever it is
that's on your mind.

Well.

I mean, I wouldn't want
to be offensive or anything.

Offensive, how?

Well, like saying that I think
your theory is a...

A crock.

Gary.

No, no, no.
Don't be angry with your friend.

Would you define "crock" for us?

Okay. Uh, it's a philosophy

based on a bunch of cliches
strung together.

But what are cliches?

Pearls of wisdom

that have stood the test
of time.

- That's very good.
- You know, I read that once

in a fortune cookie.

I love Chinese food!

Professor, what...
What are you smiling at me for?

You know, you can't just smile
your way through life.

- You ought to try it.
- All right, fine.

The next time I run
into a mugger,

I'll just kiss the guy.

Maybe if you did,
you wouldn't get mugged.

Honey, I'd still get mugged,
but I'd get molested first.

You need to re-channel
your anger and aggression.

He's right,
you're full of hostility.

I'm hostile! How can you say
that I'm hostile?

The fact is, every minute
of anger

takes six days off your life.

Really?

Well, then I'm going to lose
another couple of weeks,

because I'm going
to get this off my chest.

Don't you see
that you're not being rational?

- I'm not trying to be rational.
- I'm just being normal!

I am having a simple,
normal emotional response

to this... this nonsense.

- I mean, look.
- Can't any of you see

what this man is doing?

You're all sitting around here
like you're in a coma!

- Stop smiling at me!
- Act like real people!

Do you all see what's happening?

- We can learn from this.
- This young man

is simply a product
of an insecure,

neurotic society.

Insecure? Neurotic!

I am the healthiest person
in here!

- Just go with the flow.
- I'm gonna do that!

I'm going to flow
the hell out of here.

Are you coming, Billie?

No.

No?

Well, fine.

- Stay here and smile.
- See if I care.

Have a nice evening.-

Excuse me, professor.

I want to apologize.

For what?

Gary. I've never seen him act
that way.

- He was completely unreasonable.
- Oh, don't be so tough on him.

Some people can accept
new ideas, others can't.

I'm sorry he disrupted
your class.

A little healthy exchange serves
to reinforce my theories.

If NAFTING couldn't stand
a challenge,

it wouldn't be worth very much,
now, would it?

You're so understanding.-

Let's just say I try to practice
what I preach.

May I ask you a question?

- Sure.
- Please.

Yes.

How well do you type?

Oh, about 60 words
a minute. Why?

I'm writing a sequel to my book.

It's called, "NAFTING II,
The Other Side Of The Mantra."

No, I believe

that you should lighten
philosophy with humor.

It helps to reach more people.

That's wonderful.

The girl who used
to do my typing

graduated with honors,
by the way.

You want me to type your book?

Well, it's a lot of hard work
and it's long hours.

- I don't know what to say.
- I mean, I'll pay you of course.

Oh, I don't care
about the money.

But still, I'll pay you.

You'll do it?

- I'd love to.
- Oh, great.

Terrific. Thank you.

Oh, um...

please feel free to comment
on my work.

I'd appreciate the input.-

When do you need these by?

As soon as possible.

I know you'll do a great job.

Billie, I...

- Harry, Harry, come here.
- Look at this here.

Over here.

- Hi.
- What is this, huh?

The Christian Science
Sleeping Room?

I'm sorry, I guess
I'm just a little tired.

Yeah. Well, get yourself
some coffee.

It's no wonder you're tired.

Up half the night,
using the typewriter there.

- You gave me a nightmare.
- I was being attacked

by giant wood peckers
wearing bells.

I'm sorry but once I got started
I just couldn't stop.

Professor Wright's new book
is so fascinating.

He has this theory that all wars
are caused by poor nutrition.

His theory? What a liar
that guy is. I read that

in the National Enquirer
long ago.

They had an exclusive story
in there about how the Civil w*r

was started when Abe Lincoln
ate a can of bad tuna.

Yeah, don't give me the look.

They even had photos there,
of the president throwing up.

Well, I don't usually agree
with the Enquirer,

however I respect your right
to believe it.

Since when did you
ever respect me?

If it's okay with you,
I'd like to take my break now.

I want to bring Professor Wright
the pages I typed.

Go ahead. You didn't do
no work this morning.

Why should this afternoon
be any different?

A cream cheese on a bagel
with a kosher pickle.

Aw, jeez!

The Rabinowitz Special, huh?

Go on, Billie, at least serve it
to him, he's in the office.

- Now serve it to him.
- You don't have to,

you know, feed it to him.

- Here's your lunch.
- Thank you.

I can see
that you're still angry.

It's such a waste of energy.-

Billie, I am not so immature
as to hold a grudge

about that...
That scene last night.

Believe me, I am not angry.

You certainly seem
a little miffed.

Oh, miffed, yes. Miffed I am.

But being angry
at Professor Wright

is such a waste of time.

I'm not angry with him.

I wouldn't even waste
an opinion on him,

except to state conclusively
that the man is a jerk.

I'm angry at you

for being foolish enough
to fall for it.

Well, I can understand

- how you feel about...
- Damn it! Don't tell me

that you understand!

Can't you get mad at me?
I just insulted you, didn't I?

But Professor Wright says
that when someone insults you,

you thank them for their input.

And then,
they'll never insult you again.

Oh, yeah?

Well, try this one on for size.

You're speaking
like a mindless robot!

Thank you.

Billie, I can't take
this anymore!

I'm gonna need a bottle
of Valium a day

just to keep up with you!

That's funny.

- Oh, no, it's not.
- No, this is very serious.

If you stay
with this NAFTING thing,

it could cause an...
I don't know what between us.

Well, um, can we talk
about this later?

Because I have to bring
some papers

- to Professor Wright's office.
- Are you telling me

that we can't talk out
our problems?

His work is very important.

Our relationship isn't? -

Don't you think
you're over-reacting?

- One of us has to.
- You're not reacting at all!

Rabinowitz, a very refined woman
just complained to me

that your voice
infiltrating through that wall

made her jump up
over the toilet.

Well, uh, I think
I'd better get going.

Billie, you're pushing me
away from you.

I mean, this thing is taking up
your whole life.

I don't intend to fight
for a little room in it.

Well, that'll have to be
your choice, won't it?

Oh, good, you're still here.
I was so afraid I'd miss you.

Whoa, whoa. Relax.

Remember, around here,
we go with the flow.

You seem to be trying
to swim upstream.

You're right.

Here are the pages
you asked for.

Oh.

You finished it all?

Well, you said
you were in a hurry.

You're a remarkable young lady.-

- It was so fascinating.
- I couldn't stop.

Really? Do you think
it's as good as my first book?

Better, if that's possible.

Let me ask you something, um...

what did you think
of the chapter,

"Healing Through Touch."

Well, I didn't quite understand
all of that one.

Well, I haven't completed
it yet, but basically it's...

It's the second level
of NAFTING.

Wherein you take the energy
inside you,

and you transmit it to others
through touch.

Oh. Well, I look forward
to reading it when you finish.

Oh, it probably won't be
for a while.

But I could show you.

Do you have any aches
or pains anywhere?

Um, my shoulders
are a little stiff from typing.

Okay, let's try the energy rub.

It should get rid
of any stiffness,

and make you feel like
you had a great night's sleep.

- Really? Okay.
- Well, maybe for a minute,

but then I have to get back
to work.

Well, it won't work
unless you put everything else

out of your mind.

- I'll try.
- Okay.

Close your eyes.

Picture a peaceful setting
like a... a lake or mountains.

Got it.

Now put yourself in the picture.

I'm there.

Now, imagine a bright sunny day.

And the sun
is warming you all over.

You know, I think
I can actually feel it.

Good. Then my positive energy
is flowing into you.

- It sure is.
- Good, go with it.

Keep your eyes closed.

Relax.

And now lean your head back.

That's it.

All the way back.

Do you feel
like you're floating?

Yeah.

How does it feel?

- Wonderful.
- Good.

What are you doing?

Don't be nervous.

I just thought you were ready
for the third stage of NAFTING.

It felt more like
the first stage of necking.

Please, please. Please,
don't put it on that level.

You must remember this,
a kiss is just a kiss.

- And a sigh is just a sigh.
- Yes.

And this is all a part
of NAFTING?

Yes.

It's also part of Casablanca.

Yes.
Oh, that's a beautiful movie.

You're a phony.

Billie, Billie.

- You're a bright, sensitive girl.
- Don't overreact,

you could go a long way
with this.

Yeah. You mean all the way
to your bedroom.

If it was meant to be.

I think I've just reached
the last stage of NAFTING.

Leaving.

Oh, oh. Here she is,
back from the professor.

Only she's back a half
an hour late.

- You know that?
- And, please, don't tell me

that you appreciate
me telling you.

- I don't! You're bugging me.
- Lay off, will you?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whatever happened
to little Shirley Temple?

She jumped off
the Good Ship Lollipop.

What does she mean by that?

She means there won't be
any more late-night typing.

Well, that could be good, huh?

Yeah.

Now she can go out
with Rabinowitz again.

Aw, jeez!

Hi, Billie.

I knew you'd be smug about this,
but shut up.

I know you always think
that I'm wrong and you're right,

so maybe I was wrong
about Wright

and you were right about Wright,
and okay, the guy's a phony,

but I don't want to discuss
it again, all right?

Right.

Do I detect a teeny problem
in NAFTING land?

- Stop dwelling on this.
- If you bring it up

one more time,
I'll never speak to you again.

Well, it'll be hard,
but I promise.

Aw, jeez! I...
I hate to barge in.

But the ladies in the toilets
is getting nervous again.

Billie was just screaming at me,
isn't that wonderful?

Jeez, youse Jewish guys
love persecution.