You know, seein' this picture
in the paper here,
I'd say the President's lookin'
younger every day, wouldn't you?
Arch, I haven't seen Mr. Reagan
since he was playin' football
in the movies.
Oh, gee, that's right. Yeah.
I... I forgot you was blind,
Mr. Van R.
Well, let me tell you somethin',
he's better lookin' than ever,
despite of all them stories
you hear about his grey hairs,
which is naturally coal black.
He's got the nice white skin,
you know, and the...
and the ruddy cheeks there.
He's always dressed in one
of them nifty black suits.
- Who was elected President?
- Reagan or Dracula?
Ah, Mr. Van R.,
that ain't very funny.
You know,
a little respect ought to be...
Guess who? I'll give you a hint.
It's a man, not a woman.
Mike...
Mike Gorman, you old son
of a g*n.
That joke wasn't even funny
when I could see.
- Oh! Edgar, how are you?
- I'm fine. Fine.
Everybody, I want you
to meet a friend of mine,
Mike Gorman.
- Hi, I'm Harry Snowden.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Yeah, hi there.
- Nice to know you.
Look at this,
Mr. Van R.'s got a friend.
- Mike, what brings you out here?
- Your birthday present.
Four Mozart Sonatas
for Flute and Strings.
Oh, Mike. Thanks. Thanks.-
- It's your birthday?
- Tomorrow. Tomorrow.
Happy 65th birthday,
you old pie maker.
- Oh, come on.
- Pie maker?
Well, that's because
of the Pi Delta sorority.
We went on a panty raid once
and Edgar never came back.
Me? They used
to call you "Mad Man Mike."
Uh, Billie, Billie,
men talk here. Get lost, huh?
So, uh, yous two knew each
other in college?
- Uh-huh.
- At Rutgers.
We were both interested
in politics there.
Now, we don't...
We don't talk politics in here.
- What do you mean?
- We talk politics all the time in here.
- We was just talkin'.
- And by the way,
did you catch the president
on TV the other night?
- I certainly did.
- Eh...
Exposing all them
commies infiltrating
the nuclear freeze movement.
He was smearing millions
of people.
Boy, smearing's too good
for them.
I wish I could've stood
on that channel and watched
it all happen, you know,
but I had to turn over
to a military program.
Yeah. Gomer Pyle.
Mike, why don't we go sit
at a table, huh?
Billie,
is that corner table open?
Yeah, sure.
Help yourself.
Sure. Help yourself.
- Yeah, sure.
- Yeah.
- Ah, yeah.
- Pleased to meet you there.
Because, you know,
any friend of Mr. Van R.'s,
who happens to be one
of my closest buddies
in the world.
Archie, why don't we throw
a party for Mr. Van R.?
We could do it right here
at the bar.
Nah, nah, nah, I...
I don't want no parties here.
I'll ask Mr. Gorman for a list
of all his old friends.
I said I don't want no parties.
Of course we'll have
to close the bar
because, you know,
the guests wouldn't want
to be mingling
with the regular customers.
What are you talkin' about,
close the bar and lose all
of that business?
My regular customers
are more important
- than any guests.
- To hell with the guests.
So, you mean the guests
will just have to put up
with the regulars?
Yes, the guests will have
to put up with the regulars
and if I ever get to tell 'em,
you too.
It's your bar.
Herb Taylor!
You know, I don't think this
is gonna be too much of a party.
There's no boys.
Well, uh, 65-year-old boys.
I guess I can't play any
of my records.
Uh, no, no.
Barney, hurry up.
Mr. Van R. will be here
in a couple of minutes.
Yeah, I'll be ready.
I hope he likes
this modest gift.
You see, unemployment
has curtailed
my usual extravagance.
Barney, you're wrapping a fork
and knife and a spoon.
- Yeah, that's his gift.
- A complete service for one.
But, Barney, this belongs
to the bar.
- I know that.
- But don't tell Van R.,
and don't tell him
it's not sterling,
'cause otherwise I might be
too embarrassed
to give it to him.
Oh, okay.
Hey, where have you been?
- Been out.
- Yeah, just
- about everybody's here.
- Give me a break.
It takes a little time to shop
for Mr. Van R.'s present.
- I had to get somethin' classy.
- A bowling ball?
This here is the,
what do you a call disguise.
The present is in there.
Any dope ought to know that.
- Did you put the lights out at home?
- -Uh-huh.
- Did you put out the garbage there?
- -Uh-huh.
Everything all right
at the house?
- A bird got in.
- I'll k*ll it later.
- Ewww...
- Excuse me, ma'am.
- Uh, I'm Herb Taylor.
- Yes. Oh, hi.
Uh, when is Edgar going
to get here?
Oh, Mr. Gorman
is bringing him over
in a few minutes.
He doesn't suspect a thing.
Great, I can't wait
to see Edgar again.
I haven't seen him since
the Teachers' Union meetings
back in the '50s.
Really? I didn't know
Mr. Van Ranseleer was a teacher?
Yeah, we taught together
before all the trouble.
What trouble?
Um, you know,
the committee stuff,
and all that.
Committee?
Ah, ancient history.
Excuse me, I think I see
an old friend over there.
What committee stuff?
Boy, I hope
this isn't what I think it is.
Siggy?
Siggy Kelvinsky?
- Is that you?
- Rachel Hickerson!
Oh, my Lord!
I haven't seen you
since the hearings.
- Oh, what we all went through.
- But we're still here.
- Have you seen Herb Taylor?
- Yeah.
He looks good.
Well, Siggy,
he didn't just get out
of jail yesterday,
it's been years.
Is he still active in the party?
Party? What party?
This is what I think it is.
What do you think it is?
Look, honey,
let me put it this way.
Did you see the movie Reds?
Oh, I love Warren Beatty.
- Now, I know you do.
- He's a cute guy.
But you remember what the movie
was about?
Yeah, Warren Beatty
was in love with Diane Keaton
who kept sleeping
with Jack Nicholson,
and I don't blame her,
'cause how I love
Jack Nicholson.
Honey, you're missing the point.
The people in the picture,
were communists.
Oh...
Oh.
Surprise!
- Hey, Herb. How are you?
- It's good to see you.
- Oh, Eddie. It's Rachel.
- Rachel. Rachel.
- It's Siggy.
- Siggy.
I missed the big surprise, huh?
- Not yet.
- Is somethin' else comin'?
With luck, no.
I never know what the hell
he's talkin' about.
Well, I'm gonna mingle here.
- Oh, no, no, no! Don't mingle.
- No mingling.
What are you talkin' about?
Mr. Van R. will think
I don't like his friends.
We'll find out soon enough.
Oh, no. What do you think
he'll do when he finds out
- who these people are?
- Ah, nothing major.
He'll just phone the FBI
and the National Guard.
Billie...
- Billie.
- Yes, Mr. Van R.,
- I'm right here.
- Oh.
Billie, uh, I understand
that you, uh,
organized this surprise party.
- Yeah.
- It was a nice idea.
- Thank you.
- But you shouldn't have.
Oh, you really shouldn't have.
I know. Um...
- These people...
- Mm.
Are they all communists?
- Honey!
- No, no, no, not true.
They... they're friends
of mine from the old days.
I agree
with you one hundred percent.
- Another thing...
- My name is Barney Hefner.
Yes.
I think that the factories
of this country
should be nationalized.
I mean that the national anthem
should be sung every morning
before work followed
by a prayer.
And that there is the way
we can beat Jap production.
Well, I'll... I'll explain
it to you later.
But right now we've got
to stop Archie
from talking
to certain key people.
All right. Like who?
Who's he talking to now?
- Um, a Herb Taylor.
- Yeah.
That's one of the key people.
- Well, then I have to stop this.
- How are you gonna stop this?
With tact, Gary. Tact.
I think I better
explain something.
You're a Republican, ain't you?
But just look at the plight
of the working man
in this country.
Talk about your exploitation.
I had to work all day
in a women's shoe store.
Don't you like feet, darling?
I hate feet, darling.
But I'll tell you
what I do like?
Jeez, I don't see
no blood there.
She said you was fightin'
with knives.
- Hey, everybody.
- Here's the cake!
Happy birthday, Mr. Van R.
- Aw, thank you, Stephie.
- Thank you.
Hey, I propose a toast.
- To Mr. Van Ranseleer!
- Here, here.
I'll drink to that.
And to all those here
who sacrificed so much
- for their beliefs.
- I'll drink to that.
To the man who told
the Un-American Activities
Committee to go to hell.
Edgar Van Ranseleer.-
I'll drink to that.
Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.
- Archie, calm down.
- What do you mean, calm down?
I'm calmer this minute
than I'll ever be again
in my life!
Hold that glass
and let me through there!
- Just a minute!
- What the hell is going on?
What, am I surrounded here
by a bunch of commies?
I don't think you are,
Mr. Bunker.
I mean, most of us are,
uh, liberals, democrats, uh...
maybe some socialists.
Yeah,
but never mind the malarkey.
We got any communists here?
I can't honestly say.
Oh well, now there
is your dead giveaway.
When a man looks you straight
in the eye
and says he can't honestly say,
then you know
you're in the Kremlin.
Hey, Arch.
Rachel here is a Trotskyite.
Barney, you dope, I'm talkin'
about politics, not disease.
And if she's got anything
like that you just see
to it that she don't use
the ladies' can.
Arch, let's not talk
about this, huh?
Mr. Van R.,
when I'm standin' in the middle
of communists,
what the hell else
am I supposed to talk about?
Hey, how about that Knicks game
last night, huh?
Edgar, old friend,
maybe we'd better go.
- Yeah, that... that might be best.
- I'll, uh, I'll call you.
Thank you for your hospitality,
Mr. Bunker.
Oh, jeez, don't mention it.
My hospitality,
I never saw anything
- like this before...
- -Archie, why must you always overreact?
Honey, what are you talkin'
about overreact?
You can't overreact
to a communist.
A communist's a traitor.
I don't know
what you're yelling about?
I mean, they really seemed like,
nice, ordinary people to me.
Hey, kid,
that's your clue
to being a communist.
A nice, ordinary person.
Well, so long, Arch!
Barney, Barney, Barney!
Where the hell are you goin'?
I'm goin' up to Rachel's place
to party.
Do you know what kind
of a party you're gettin' into?
A memorable one, I hope.
But first we are going
to paint the town red.
Barney, Barney! Bar...
Do you think that woman
is gonna brainwash Barney?
Hey, Bunker,
it's a pretty small load
to wash.
That's what I'm worried about.
Arch...
maybe we'd better have
a talk about this, huh?
Yes, Mr. Van Ranseleer,
I believe that we oughta.
Now, here's a chair,
let's just sit down
and have that talk.
- I certainly think so. I mean...
- Oh.
Uh, there's a chair there,
Mr. Van R.
Now...
there's only one question...
that I want to ask you.
And that is,
who are them people?
Why are they here?
And what do they mean to you?
Archie, would you stop
interrogating Mr. Van R.?
Now, these are simple questions
with simple answers.
Who are these people?
And why are they here?
What do they mean to you?
Well you see...
I was a high school teacher.
I taught American history.
This was back in the '50s,
during the height of the...
McCarthy Era.
The loyalty-security program.
The Red Scare.
And they was great days
for America, too, Mr. Van R.
Oh, you wasn't alive then,
kiddo. You remember that.
You should've seen McCarthy
in action.
Charlie McCarthy?
No, Senator McCarthy.
Same name, different dummy.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Anyway, they were investigating
committees all over the place.
And here in New York...
they subpoenaed the leaders
of the Teachers' Union.
And I was called up.
Why you, Mr. Van Ranseleer?
Because someone said
that I was seen associating...
with the people
that you saw here tonight,
in college,
and later when I was teaching.
Anyway, the committee asked me
a lot of questions.
Oh, I know the one question
they must have asked you,
Mr. Van R.
The communist question, right?
- That's right, they did.
- Yeah.
Well...
you told 'em you wasn't,
didn't you?
No, I didn't.
What the hell do you mean?
You didn't have nothin'
to hide, did you?
Archie, just leave him alone,
okay?
Listen. Listen, kid.
I'm gonna ask some questions,
so maybe you better leave
us alone.
Mr. Van R., now, this means a...
A lot to me.
I mean to say, if you...
If you want to remain my friend,
you gotta answer
to me that question
that you wouldn't answer
for that committee.
Are you now or have you ever
been a communist?
Arch...
I want to remain your friend.
But I didn't answer
that question then,
and I'm not going to answer
it now.
All right then.
Didn't answer it...
Well, I guess there
ain't nothin' more to be said.
I guess you're right.
Arch, ain't you been
a little ridiculous
about this communist thing?
Let me tell you
somethin', Harry.
When it comes to communism,
you can't be too ridiculous.
The late Richard E. Nixon,
remember?
He went all the way to the top
on that.
Yeah.
All the way to Russia to try
to make peace.
Aw, come on,
let me tell you somethin'.
That was the one big mistake
of the man's reign.
But that's all over now.
Now we're back
to makin' missiles,
so we can relax.
You know, Bunker, you ought
to leave your brain to science.
- Hey, listen, wise guy.
- I might just do that.
Leave my brain to science one
of these days.
I meant now.
Archie, we all know you're upset
- because Mr. Van R.
- Is your friend.
- No. Not no more he ain't.
- No more.
But why?
Just because he was a communist
doesn't mean he still is.
Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
How do you know he was ever
a communist?
It's obvious, isn't it?
Yes, yes! Hey, your tip-off
is right here.
- He wouldn't say that he wasn't.
- And so, ipso fatso, he was.
Did he say he was?
No, but...
all of his friends
were communists.
Ah, oh,
that's guilt by association!
I mean using that kind of logic,
your uncle
is Mr. Van R.'s friend,
what does that make him?
That would make me a communist.
If he was still my friend,
which he ain't.
Do you see my point?
During the McCarthy Era
thousands of innocent people
were accused of being communists
just 'cause they had friends
who... who may have been.
And that's what could've
happened to Mr. Van R.
Oh, I understand.
Oh, excuse me, there, buddy.
Uh, but this place of the bar
is reserved
for a special customer.
To hell with him.
He's right.
Who is it?
Uh, it's only me,
Mr. Van Ranseleer,
Archie Bunker here.
Oh, Arch.
Just a minute.
What brings you here, Arch?
Well, I was just goin' bowlin',
you see.
Yes.
Well, I was passin'
by your front door downstairs.
Yes.
Well, I suddenly realized
that if I was goin' bowling,
I shouldn't really be passin'
your front door,
'cause the bowling alley's
in the opposite direction.
So, uh...
while I'm trying to figure out
what I was doin' down there, I...
I thought maybe I'd come up
and ask you about it.
Would you like to come in?
I certainly would, Mr. Van R.,
yes.
I'm glad...
glad you stopped by, Arch.
That was nice of you
to give me that party.
Oh, don't mention it.
I thought I'd come up
and tell you that, uh,
as regards to all them doings
the other night, I...
I'm perfectly willin'
to forgive and forget.
That's big of you, Archie.
Mind if I sit down by the window
over there?
No, no, please, please do.
You know, I was thinkin', uh,
the government, uh,
every now and then makes...
mistakes. As we all know.
I mean, who's to say that you
was the only blind guy
by the name
of Van Ranseleer that was...
teachin' school in them days.
A city the size of New York,
there could have been hundreds
of youse there.
And the government mixed you up
with some other guy. The real...
guy, you know,
who for all we know
could still be at large.
I'll never forget the morning
of that hearing.
Do you know what I did...
after that hearing?
You went to lunch?
I went job hunting.
The Board of Education fired me.
You know how hard it is
for a blind man
who can't sing to find a job?
Yeah, I guess I see
your point, Mr. Van R.,
and all those people you met
were in the same boat.
No one would associate with us.
Yeah, but jeez, what can you
expect when you refuse
to answer the questions
that the committee asked you?
The constitution says
I don't have
to answer questions like that.
I don't have to tell
the government what I think,
what I read, who I vote
for or who my friends are.
But you know that, Arch.
- Well, certainly, Mr. Van R.
- Every citizen knows all
about the constitution.
But you gotta admit,
there's times,
you know, of emergency
when you gotta take
the constitution
and set it one side and do
what the hell you're told.
I can't agree with you.
Aw, Mr. Van R., come on,
you gotta agree with that.
Arch, if I have to agree
with you to be your friend...
then I'm afraid
we can't be friends.
Well, you don't have
to yell at me about it.
I, uh...
One of the reasons I come
over was I wanted to...
bring you this birthday present
I got you, here.
- Birthday present?
- Yeah. It's just a...
It's just a little piece
of sculpture.
What is it?
Uh, it's Ronnie Reagan's head.
Oh, you mean it's a bust.
No, it's his head.
See, what I thought
was that, uh...
when he comes on the TV,
you know, you could...
you could touch that, see.
And then you... you could see him
just like the rest of us.
That's wonderful.
And thank you, Arch.
Hey, will you be back
at your old place at the bar?
- Sure thing.
- Oh, that's swell, Mr. Van R.
Well, talkin' of that I...
I guess I better get back
to the bar myself, 'cause...
you know how they
are down there, they...
they find it hard to run
everything, you know,
unless I'm there watching 'em,
telling 'em what to do
and all of that.
There's just one very minor
point, uh,
before I leave.
I know you wasn't never
no communist or anything,
and I ain't gonna ask you
the question.
That's all water
over the bridge.
But I would like to know.
Did you ever go to one of them,
uh...
them Commie party meetings?
Just one.
Ah, the hell with it.
Probably years and years ago.
No.
So when was it?
The other night, at your place.
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